My husband left me last Sunday after my sons football game when I caught him on the cell phone talking to a woman he had met when he was away at work.We have been married 4 years, She lives in Virginia and is married with 2 kids. They haven't been talking long, I checked the cell bill. I went ballistic as to be expected. I didn't realize anything was wrong, he has been laid off that job for 3 weeks now so he is around town all of the time now. He has told his mother and sister that he didn't cheat on me not as much as a kiss, but still says he doesn't think we can work things out, he will still tell me he loves me and his step son and doesn't want to abandon him, like his father did. I have begged him to give me another chance, I know that probably is a mistake, but I really didn't know anything was wrong until that day, and I know I can change the way I may have treated him occasionally, which really wasn't that bad. I love him with all my heart and don't see myself moving on... We are going together to another ballgame today, I just don't know whether to keep bugging him, or I'm afraid if I try to put on a happy face and leave him alone, he will think that I did give up... Help!!

You catch your husband talking to another woman and you beg him to give you another chance? He is the one who should be begging you for another chance. Instead of asking whether he will come back you should ask yourself if you really want him to come back. Maybe this is a sign that you are better off without him.

I agree with the above post.

He is caught with his hand in the cookie jar,so to speak, and you are blaming yourself.

If you treated him badly,there are other ways to fix that.

Seeking out another woman is not an option!

I would not kowtow to this man. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that it is time to discuss this like adults and make a plan for a future together or not.

You should not have to put your life on hold while he decides to make a choice ,you or her.

Get a backbone,stand up for yourself and don't take the blame for his wandering eye.

How can you blame yourself for his behavior? You're the victim. He's the one who broke your trust. He's the one who has to earn it back.

But in your situation, it looks like he doesn't want to earn your trust back. On the contrary, you're the one begging for him to take you back as if you did something wrong.

You sound very emotionally needy. Maybe you need to work on some self-esteem and confidence issues before you pursue any relationship with another man.

You CAN go on without him. You MUST go on for the sake of your son. He cheated even if he didn't actually have sex with her ( I think that he did). Do you want your son to know his mother has no respect for herself, as to beg back a liar and a cheat?

He wants to be with someone else. I know that is a horrible feeling, but you need to try to stay strong and carry on not just for your son, but for you. Whatever you did, or didn't do, it's not your fault that your husband decided to be with another woman. You need to get that into your thinking. HE is guilty, NOT YOU.

I suggest you get a good attorney, one who specializes in divorce so you can take him to the cleaners .
The world is full of good, honest, men that won't cheat on you. This guy says that he doesn't want to leave your son like his biological father did. Guess what? He already has.

May GOD give you strength and serenity.

Your child has to be your priority. You have to keep your child's best interest first. An unhealthy relationship with your husband is definitely not in the best interest of your child.

I'm new at this, so I don't know how to add to my original post, but I think I messed up, or did I..?. My husband took us to the ballgame, dropped my son off early to get dressed and we headed to the ATM... and took a detour, we had sex along a lake in the woods in the middle of the afternoon... Does he really want to leave? Is he just leading me on?? Is he thinking of coming back? He still says he loves me, but I just left it at that and pretended nothing happened. It was entirely his idea, then he sat in the truck for an hour with a "headache" probably on the phone with her I am afraid, but not sure... Am I really an idiot for holding on? Is he just not sure? I feel better about the situation, but should I? Oh Lord I must be an idiot!!

What's going on? Something sounds 'not quite right' here.

Something is wrong with your communication - you need to TALK. Not have sex, not ignore what happened and hope for the best - you need to talk!

If you still love him and he (claims) he loves you then put on your boxing gloves and fight for your relationship.

Talk to him. Be direct. Let him know that you love him, but he has to choose - you or her - no pussyfooting around. Settle for nothing less.

I can understand that you're fearful of losing your marriage but letting him get away with this will just allow him to do as he pleases and you will lose his respect as well as the marriage.

He's already testing you - it's time to throw down the gauntlet and put him to the test.

You need to sort out your problems with him before you go back to sex. Because now you're just more confused.

If you had time to have sex, then you had time to work on your communication system and issues.

I didn't add before that he is 10 years younger than me, but that has never been an issue, he doesn't look it, or I don't I think, I am 41, everyone guess early 30's Thank God! I am not a religious person but I have prayed and even ask a Pastor in town to talk with him, but of course he refused... He says he's OK, but just doesn't know what is wrong... Just not happy... But what blows my mind is that it has NEVER showed before, just before he left, it was I love you every time I talked to him and he always called me beautiful and was so sweet, always has been!! He always said he'd never cheat on me because his mom and dad always did and that was just wrong... I think it is over finances and responsibility, I think it just got to overwhelming and he needed a break, but I intend to force the issue of him helping pay for the house if I can, we just bought it last August, it's a 110 year old Victorian and we were remodeling and having fun doing it. I don't want to sell it, I love it! I think I mentioned before, the other women he is talking to is married with 2 kids, so how does he think that responsibilities are just going to go away?? He hasn't taken anything from the house, but his work clothes and OUR Truck, he was laid off from his job and is drawing unemployment and
Working for a friend for cash under the table... Which yes, I have considered turning them in for, but would that benefit me? He has helped me with a few bills when I ask him to, although he likes to act like he doesn't have money... $400 a week unemployment plus probably $300 or $400 more cash from his friend maybe more, it was supposed to be $100 a day in the beginning. I just don't know what to do, I love him so much and I think a lot of it was I didn't express it enough while we were together, I had been in a bad relationship with my sons father for 15 years and that hardened my heart so much, but I worked on it, or so I thought... Is it to late, I do not want to loose him, he is my heart now!

I also need to add that my husband has been a wonderful father to my 11 year old son, he does things with him that his real father never did, bought him a dirt bike and just always did treat him like his own, my son also is devastated, because he says he doesn't remember his dad leaving and my husband was the only dad he ever had and he can't imagine life without him, he has even begged me to quit football, because he wants him to play... I think it's even harder, because my son looks like my husband, not his father... Just a wild coincidence... So I feel that I should hold on for my son's sake also, I am just hoping that he will realize that the grass doesn't get any greener, he came from nothing and now feels like he can have it all thanks to me I suppose, always has GOOD jobs ($40 per hour) till now, because I pushed him to better himself, I guess that's the age difference, maybe I pushed to hard... I would be so happy if he would just come home, no questions ask and I told him that. Maybe a mistake, but I couldn't help myself. I have lost 12 pounds, no appetite, no energy I don't know what to do... I don't want to give up... Am I crazy?? He has told his family that he never cheated, just talked, and I believe it so far, she is in another state... Help!

I also need to add that my husband has been a wonderful father to my 11 year old son, he does things with him that his real father never did, bought him a dirt bike and just always did treat him like his own, my son also is devastated, because he says he doesn't remember his dad leaving and my husband was the only dad he ever had and he can't imagine life without him, he has even begged me to quit football, because he wants him to play... I think it's even harder, because my son looks like my husband, not his father... Just a wild coincidence...So I feel that I should hold on for my son's sake also, I am just hoping that he will realize that the grass doesn't get any greener, he came from nothing and now feels like he can have it all thanks to me I suppose, always has GOOD jobs ($40 per hour) till now, because I pushed him to better himself, I guess that's the age difference, maybe I pushed to hard...I would be so happy if he would just come home, no questions ask and I told him that. Maybe a mistake, but I couldn't help myself. I have lost 12 pounds, no appetite, no energy I don't know what to do... I don't want to give up... Am I crazy??? He has told his family that he never cheated, just talked, and I believe it so far, she is in another state...Help!

For heavens sake, I can understand that you're confused and in a state over what has happened - but you need to set some boundaries. There is no point telling him to come home because all is forgiven - you're just setting yourselves up to fail again.

He's keeping you waiting while you go crazy - tell him that he needs to decide - he either comes home and you work it out or he moves on. He can't have it both ways.

Stop having sex with him and stop pleading and crying. Make your position clear and let him decide. You then need to talk and come to some decision about what the relationhsip and the marriage means to you both - salary, age, etc are all irrelevant - what do you both want to do?

Ok... I'm still crazy. Found the girlfriends phone number and unsure what I wanted it for... Would it do me any good to confront her? Probably not, she is hiding too, because I picked up his cell just as she left a message for him to call when he could she was in the car, so she's sneaking around too!! I did block my number and call just to see if it was a girl because there was no name, just abbreviations... "Na" Investigated and found address and home phone too, I know I'm near stalking, but I am soooo depressed and hurt, I don't feel like I can go on without him, I know I can, if I sell the house, but I love it here, and I still love him with all my heart!!

Things are still the same with us, he isn't really talking much other than to say we can't work things out, that I have had my chance and didn't take it, he got a really good job offer but has to go out west for 3 weeks to train and I don't think he is willing, I am hoping that he will and maybe have time to think completely on his own and away from everyone. Not that it may be in my favor, but at least he may have a clear mind to reconsider everything. I know I sound pathetic, but I am extremely hurt and completely blindsided by all of this and I just feel that I deserve another chance to make this work... Please tell me that It is possible to win him back, I don't think he is ready to move on , still hasn't taken his things and hopefully he won't but I am not bothering him like I was, and have not contacted the women

You would be best served, I think by backing way off him, and letting him come to his own conclusions without your influence. No more begging, or pleading please.

You treat this like your on your own.

Listen to the advice given.

Listen.

You said in one of your posts 'he is my heart' he's not! He is having sex with another women,he is having pillow talk and most likely bad mouthing you to her..

Find your spine,at least for the sake of your child if not for your own sanity.

Pack a bag,and go on holiday,do not contact him!

Be strong,if you have been the hook he hangs his hat on,most likely the other women won't put up with him and he'll come back with his tail between his legs begging forgiveness,I only hope you tell him to go take a running jump of the nearest cliff!

It sounds like he is getting a lot of support from his mother and sister. Is he staying with them while he's away from your home? Does he at least call his step-son?

Whatever happened when he was working out of town, is still not on the table. He is using the phone/text to continue what was started there. This goes beyond what you said about them only talking for a short while. What happened before he came home is what you need to find out.

Whatever that amounts to, continues, and he is unable, and/or unwilling to even talk to you about it, let alone work on getting through it, and past it.

So you have hit a brick wall. The facts are what they are. No change will take place as long as the truth is hidden. You cannot deal with an invisible foe, whether it is his talk pal, or whether he has been looking for a way out of the relationship for a while. You have no way of knowing, unless he can start by being honest.

You cannot change what you do not know. Give him a time limit with clear expectations of what you will consider the very basic start of rebuilding your marriage. Ask him for enough respect that he can exclude his mother and sister from the intimacies of your marriage and your problems. As long as he's being propped up by them, he won't face what he's done with just you.

Consider marriage counselling as part of your expectations, and give him a time limit of say, 30 days.

During the 30 days, please... don't be a sex object. Have a little respect for yourself, and show some confidence in your ability to be rational, practical, and in control. Set your emotions aside until you know what you are dealing with, and in the meanwhile, go and see a lawyer, and know what your rights and obligations are.

Put yourself in a position of strength, regain your dignity and control, and take charge.

Things are still the same with us, he isn't really talking much other than to say we can't work things out, that I have had my chance and didnt take it, he got a really good job offer but has to go out west for 3 weeks to train and I don't think he is willing, I am hoping that he will and maybe have time to think completely on his own and away from everyone. Not that it may be in my favor, but at least he may have a clear mind to reconsider everything. I know I sound pathetic, but I am extremely hurt and completely blindsided by all of this and I just feel that I deserve another chance to make this work....Please tell me that It is possible to win him back, I don't think he is ready to move on , still hasn't taken his things and hopefully he won't but I am not bothering him like I was, and have not contacted the women

My dear,yes,not to be harsh but you do sound kind of pathetic and needy and unrealistic.
You don't win people back.

You can't make someone love you if they don't.You know that but in your desperation,you are grabbing at straws.

Forget about the emotional side of this while he is away and get some legal help to insure that you are not left out in the cold.

Consider that you may have no choice but to give up the home you love.

Consider also that a home with two unhappy parents is no place to raise a child.

It is time to start planning a future without him in it.I know you have been blindsided and I don't just think it's the affair making him decide to leave.

He used you for sex and I don't know if that was to humiliate you or what but it shows a total lack of respect.Everything he is doing to you is showing a lack of respect!

It is time you stood up and said ENOUGH!

Make plans to live alone with your son.He is always going to be a priority.Show him,by example that he should never allow anyone to treat him less than honorably!

Had to spread the rep ArtLady, but that was a good point about sex for humiliation, and also about her son.

Thanks everyone, I think it may have finally sunk in, I am pulling back and laying low, my son has made me realize what kind of a person my husband has became, and I think I can move on with my life eventually. If it should work out later, then so be it, but right now, I really don't care, and it won't be because of any more of my efforts. Thanks again, I'll keep posting

Thanks everyone, I think it may have finally sunk in, I am pulling back and laying low, my son has made me realize what kind of a person my husband has became, and I think I can move on with my life eventually. If it should work out later, then so be it, but right now, I really don't care, and it won't be because of any more of my efforts. Thanks again, I'll keep posting

Good luck to you.I know this is very difficult for you.

Your son is a smart kid,looks like you have done a great job with him.He is pretty insightful for an 11 year old.

Like they say *out of the mouths of babes*.

Time to think of you and him and what is going to make your life better.
Take care.

Chelle, my lady and I have been married for quite some time. At times, I have been miserable and unhappy. I cannot speak for my lady, but since I am the perfect human being that I am ( :) Yuk, Yuk), I just know she has existed in a blissful state of happiness for all these years?

The truth is that regardless of how unhappy or miserable I might have been over a situation, I never even considered finding solace with another woman. I know that that kind of betrayal would devastate my lady and there is absolutely no need to cause her that pain.

As to backbone or spine, my lady has one serious spine. I truly believe it is actually made from a high tensile steel I Beam.

I can honestly tell you that I know where my lady stands on just about anything. Her particular hot button is lying and second to that are her principles.

I know this because we talk to each other. I witness her living by her principles every day. Eventually it rubbed off on me.

I will say it again, my one cardinal rule: If I am going to do something that I know she will not be happy with, I don't do it. If I think I have to call her and ask, then I really already know the answer and I don't waste the call. I call for another more pleasant reason.

It's me again... HE CAME BACK SUNDAY!! That evening, he came back and told me he couldn't stand to do this to me anymore, and he was trying to teach me a lesson, that I did need him and didn't want to be without him, which I did tell him constantly that I didn't need him I would be fine without him and often that I wished I'd never married him, because he was so irresponsible... So to some extent it was my fault, I constantly cut him down, so he would think he wasn't good enough for anyone else, but clearly he was... and I have learned from my mistakes and we will work this out... I promised to work on being nicer, and he deleted the number from his phone and swore never to talk to her again... and he swore to me that they never had sex, just talked a lot, and I believe him even though I don't want to sometimes. We talked and agreed to communicate more, and he got a new job and has to go to Oklahoma for training for 3 weeks, so that could be a good thing for all involved... I guess I did the cutting him down because I do have low self esteem, and that was from the previous ex, my sons dad... I have lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks and it shows, so I will work on the self esteem and we will work on our relationship and I think we will be OK!! Thanks for all the advice and wish us LUCK!

Well, it just shows, doesn't it, that there are 2 sides to every story.

I knew something didn't sound quite right.

Hopefully, you will be able to listen and communicate and resolve this.

Chelle, I hope everything works out. I have learned recently that nothing is more important than my relationship with my wife. Once that is solid, everything else falls into place. Good luck!

Chelle,

You need to stop and make some hard decisions. Why would you want someone back who chose to put you in abject misery and a complete panic because he was teaching you a lesson.

Sorry, I'm missing the LOVE in that B.S.

I understand everyone's point of view with my issues, I just feel better trying to work things out because of the quickness of all of his decisions. I thought long and hard on whether I really wanted him back out of neediness or love, and I truly think it was love. I went through my sons dad leaving and would have took him back after a few days, but 2 weeks I was way over him and we were together for almost 15 years, he was a jerk and mean to me, my husband has never been that way, always a sweet heart and treated me like a queen, so the sudden departure was just too odd, I still think it was his pride that was hurt when I caught him talking and he didn't know what else to do but run. I am willing to give this a chance, we are getting along good, he still acts a little distant sometimes, but I'm sure it feels odd especially knowing how much he hurt me, it's odd to me also, but I feel much better with him here. I am being nicer and I should have been all along, I always tried keeping him at a distance so that I wouldn't get hurt, but all that done in the long run was hurt me and my son, and I won't do that again. Thanks everyone for the opinions and input believe me I took it all to heart and thought about it a lot, I think I made the right decision... I guess time will tell.

my son has made me realize what kind of a person my husband has became

Has this statement changed?

I can understand wanting to work out your marriage, however, there isn't just you.

Be careful that you aren't taking him back because you are scared of being alone or he has you convinced that you are the only one with the problem.

Do you have someone that you an talk to about the previous marriage who might be able to help counsel you and your husband to go forward from here?

I have talked about my previous relationship with everyone for years, (we were never married) He was a pure pardon the phrase. But my husband has never been that way, and everything is back to perfectly normal now, I don't think that was afraid of being alone, I didn't want to be, but I was through the whole 15 years of the former relationship, so I wasn't really afraid. I know I am not alone in working this marriage out, but before he left up until that day, he was the ideal husband, in everyway, never a bad word or anything towards me, I did, just take advantage of his good nature and took him entirely for granted... He never done anything with friends because I would get mad, didn't do anything without my approval because I would throw a fit and pout for days, so I think as long as he holds up to his end of the deal, I am the one with issues to work on, and I have been doing that and he is back to Mr. Perfect and I think that it really will work as long as I am somewhat human in my actions, as I wasn't in the past

I really hope it does work out for both of you. :)

Just wanted everyone to know we are still together and doing great, things have been worked out although I don't entirely trust him, I want to and am working on it, I am just that way, I have issues with trust from the past(not with him) and of course this didn't help. He has repeatedly told me that all they did was talk and I do believe that and I have changed my attitude towards him and our relationship... Never take anyone for granted, like the song says you don't know what you got till it's gone and that's a fact. My son is extremely happy about this to, although he's not his birth father, he is the only one who truly acts like his dad and not just a sperm donor.

I am so glad that you are doing better. Trust does take time and a lot of work. It sounds like you are doing a good job working out the problems. I am glad your son is happier, too. :)

I hope things continue to improve. Good luck. :)

I hope that things do work out. Trust is a big part of a relationship. Have you guys thought about marriage counseling? I would strongly consider it because on top of trust, communication is HUGE. Every argument my husband and I have gotten into has always come down to communication. The one red flag that I didn't see addressed so far, unless I missed it, was where you stated that you didn't know anything was wrong until he left. If both parties are happy in a relationship, they don't just up and leave. If there was a problem, he should have been talking to you about it, not this other woman.

Hey it's me again... still doing great, only one problem but I am dealing with it, he got a job after 3 months of lay offs and guess where it is located?? Within 10 miles of where the other woman lives... but he is definitely working not just visiting, a friend of mine got him the job and I went with him to pick up the company truck, so I know its legitimate. He has swore to me that he wants me and only me has apologised repeatedly for what he done and promises that it will never happen again. I desperately want to believe and trust him again and he is only supposed to be there another few days while they are training him then he is off to other places it's for the railroad so they travel a lot, but he is keeping close contact with me and I am doing my best to trust and believe... wish me luck... I think he is sincere when he says it's over but I guess it will always haunt me.

I have to agree with most of the others. He should be begging you for another chance....you shouldn't be begging him. He did the wrong, not you. Don't blame yourself. He may not have kissed her, but he may be having an "emotional affair" with her.

Hello chelle,I'm glad everything is working well.. keep the lines of communication open... it takes time to rebuild trust.

You made the decision to continue the marriage,try and move forward,having lingering doubts will only hamper recovery.

Although difficult to get over,its not impossibe... you learn to live with the past and move forward in a positive way.

I'm back again and things are still great... He has a new job, quit that one because it bothered me, him being in that location... So I didn't mind him being jobless for a few more months, things got a little tight, but we've made it through. Has a new job now, doing what he loves and home every night and seems perfectly content. I have been working on the trust issues and doing better at that to... I think we're going to make it, seems that way anyway. Thanks everyone again for the support and advice and I will keep posted occasionally on how we are. Never really thought that we would be this happy again, but so far so good!! Wish me Luck

What! Do we have a happy ending? Pinch me!!

I am going through a similar situation. You and I both have to grow some backbones. Sometimes God takes us the long way around to get what we want because there is a lesson in the situation. 1st, you have to realize that your job is not to change the mind of your husband but to discern what is really happening. 2nd, the power of life is already in you not around you. 3rd, anyone not willing to fight for your favor does not deserve it. 4th, rejoice in the Lord always, even in trials and tribulations.

STOP calling the man. You were a good woman to him, he needs time to miss the benefits of that. You need to get into you more. Find out if you want to take him back becaue if you don't express that change needs to happen before he returns, he will do the same thing and you'll be a point A all over again. Be strong. You are a prize to be cherished.

Hi Katina, it helps to read the whole thread before posting, as she and the guy are very happy now.