I have a boyfriend whom we have been official bf/gf for 3 months now, but we were technically together for the 3 months before. This included long distance while I was abroad, we were basically bf/gf, we weren't seeing anyone else but didn't want to put a label on it over the internet.

Now, he treats me awesome and he seems to really like me. Hes very nice and considerate to me and is touchy feely a lot. The only time he hasn't treated me well was one day when he said he was tired and stressed. (He was just kind of snappy) I want to stress this because of what Im going to say about him next.

A month before we started dating, his best guy friend played a joke on him where he IMed him and said “Hey this is your ex” My boyfriend, thinking it was really his ex and not his best friends, said something like “I never really got over you” later in that conversation. His best guy friend told me this (actually right before we started dating. I didn't care at all at the time) and he is not lying for sure. Well his ex found out about this joke, she actually IMed the best guy friend demanding to know who it really was, and she actually started talking to my boyfriend again. It was obvious from his Facebook history that he wasn’t just being polite when he was talking to her though she initiated the talking and they exchanged phone numbers. This stopped shortly after we started dating but she got a boyfriend too at the time.

When she got dumped a few months ago (this was while I was away abroad), she emailed my boyfriend all depressed and said “lets get married when we’re 26. we can work out our long distance fighting issues and lets hang out” (that’s why they broke up, not because he stopped liking her obviously Ive gathered) My boyfriend says she goes through men like crazy and that she gets hit on all the time. But he said that he told her "we can hang out but Im seeing someone from school," and they did hang out. He says she was being crazy with that email and she was just upset. When I said I didn’t like that she just says “Oh hey lets get married and get back together” he said “She never asked me to get back together.”

He said he doesn’t talk to her but that she depends on him and trusts him and he wasn't going to be a jerk when she talks to him. I am not sure completely about the not talking to her. I think he did awhile ago on Twitter because she said something about it on his Facebook wall. She said "Hey, sorry I didnt reply on Twitter I dont know how to use it yet" I got a bad feeling and actually joined the site to see. She doesn't have anything on hers but I can tell she's only had it for 2 months so we were def together. My boyfriend said that was from so long ago he can't remember. In response to that and when I mentioned him flirting with her before we started dating on Facebook he said "I can't remember every little thing Ive said or done" He said he can't ignore her and that he's just being polite when replying.

We’ve fought about it, he said I don’t have anything to worry about he wants to be with me. He said he doesn’t think about his ex. He did post on her wall in response to the Twitter thing the day after we fought and I was so upset about it.. but it was innocent (the comment) and he said he's not going to just ignore her.

I can't help being insecure!! Esp since my boyfriend is def into looks and she's much prettier than me.

My question is will a guy say “Don’t focus energy on her when I want to be with you” when he really isn’t over his ex? I get the feeling he's with me because he can't be with her.

It's all about how you feel, relationships are mainly about trust, and some say that if you can't trust then you won't have a healthy relationship, maybe you should sit down and talk to him one on one, go to a restaurant or something you know make it a friendly environment so he won't feel threatened or cornered. And talk to him in a way where he won't feel that you are automatically accusing him, and tell him how it makes you feel when the other girl says what she says about the getting married issue, guys have hearts and can be sensitive and maybe that's just what he is being towards her, but my thing is If she wan'ts to be with him and if he really and truly wanted to be with her he would be with her. But maybe you just need a break from him to get your head straight and he needs a break, yeah breaks suck but just call it quits for awhile and see what you get, remember if you really love him u'd leave him and if he comes back or tries to make things right then he's worth keeping, and taking back but if he acts as if he doesn't care, and doesn't even attempt in the slightest just know that it was a lesson learned. Remember every boyfriend you have and every break up you go through you can always take something from it to better yourself and each guy that is not worthy of you just gets you one step closer to the one you are really meant to be with. Trust me honey bun, I have been through many relationships to know that, you are so focused on making him happy and feeling that you don't deserve him, and being insecure that you have got to GOT TO love YOURSELF before you can even attempt to love anyone else.
And with that I'm out (my hands hurt from typing I hope that I could be of some assistance and it would be nice if you got back to me with how things are later with your relationship)

If he wasn't doing anything with his ex before, your paranoia may drive him to it. You don't even have any hard evidence that he's not just trying to be friendly. I think you need to just let it go until you get some serious concrete evidence.

This sounds a bit sketchy to me. The ex didn't even want to talk to him until she found out he "wasn't over her" and all of a sudden she is pounding him with texts, emails and Facebook posts? Is that correct?

I am sorry but knowing that he clearly isn't over her he shouldn't be talking to her. That isn't fair to you or to him, or even to the ex. If he is going to be in a relationship there shouldn't be baggage, and he certainly shouldn't expect you to put up with that baggage while he "comforts" his ex... sounds like some major red flags here and regardless of his actions he is emotionally attached to another women. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster. I believe you have every right to be cautious of this, as I would be if I were you.

How old are you guys? That sounds like an extremely immature thing for his "best friend" to do, and then he told you about it? Why?

(Just my opinion, I may be in the minority here)...

Ok I guess I should clarify that a bit, because it is a weird situation.

I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22, we will call him John. We are seniors in college. John is in a frat and I won't lie some of his friends are total s. I always thought he was the opposite of them, but now Im starting to see he is somewhat like them... though for the most part he treats me very well.

John's best guy friend, we'll call him Rick wanted to get revenge when earlier John had IMed him on AOL saying he was a gay guy interested in him (John was just playing a joke) Rick wanted to find out something about John (I honestly can't remember what, this was awhile ago and it was trivial) and decided to IM him to grill him. Rick needed a person whom he was going to pretend to be and decided to be John's ex, because he knew that when she broke up with John, he had added her several times on Facebook as a friend after she deleted him, and she kept ignoring his friend requests. Thus, Rick thought it was plausible if he said "hey Im you ex" to John then he would talk, because obviously John was still somewhat trying to hold onto his ex. Rick didn't talk to John that much pretending to be his ex, but he told me that they started talking about the relationship and Rick, not knowing really what to say, didn't say much. But Rick did tell me that John said to him "I never think I really got over you" and Rick said some other stupid things, Im not sure what, but John got mad and texted his ex saying "what are you doing?" and she said "what?" That's how they started talking. She got online and IMed Rick, demanded to know who it was and why he was pretending to be her. Rick explained and everything and did say to her at the end (or at least he told me) "well he said he wasnt over you" and she replied "well we talked about this, I thought he moved on" John does not know that Rick told his ex what he said.
Why did Rick tell me this? One day we were talking and I, he brought up John and I was kind of tipsy and blurted out loud I thought John wasn't over his ex. (this was right after I found out she emailed him saying lets get married and was confused)

I think his ex is dependent and needs to have a boyfriend, so when she got dumped ran to him. John tells me its because "she trusts him" but I think its because she knows from that that he's not over her and she wants the attention? She doesn't like him or at least I think not. That's what I think.

But, my main point here is that he told "her" he wasn't fully over her. This was a month before we started dating. He apparently told her "No I have a gf" 5 months later when she messaged him on Facebook saying "whatchu doin?"

I think 2 things here:
1) Hes not over his ex, but he really knows she won't get back with him and is playing games, so he's staying with me.
2) He did have feelings for her, but met me and decides he likes me more or that I am better than her. (He started liking me a month before this whole AOL/ex thing happened. I was interested at first)

He tells me Im awesome and sexy all the time except for when he seems to be in a bad mood. So because of that I want to think number 2. But from my experience, a guy who says "im not over you" doesn't have feelings vanish just because he is dating another girl who has good quality (especially when he's still talking to her sometimes and even hung out with her once)

Whew that's confusing. Thoughts?

Sounds like too much drama.

Just go up to him and ask him if he's over his ex yet. If you are satisfied with his answer, drop the problem and move on from there.

If you aren't satisfied with his response and have some lingering doubts, then let him now about your concerns. See how he reacts. If you see him putting the effort to try to comfort you, then move forward from there.

If there are still more problems, then try to address them again. But at some point, you might have to let go if he's not willing to put the necessary effort to make this relationship work.

Either way, don't just sit around feeling bummed out about the problems. Go do something about it.

Simple answer here: NO!

I don't find it respectful to talk to an ex of mine while dating another girl... especially if I am not over her yet, and especially if the girl I am currently dating is worried.

Drop this soap opera drama, and get your head around the fact that he is being stupid in college like most guys do. When he gets tired of being his exes emotional tampon, he will do something about it, other than just being polite.

Be aware though that your behavior is not all that mature, and may in fact make it worse with the way you react.

No offense talaniman, but I think you are being a bit harsh.

The whole IM thing with his best guy friend and his ex "going crazy" and emailing him... that was THEM not me. I am not into drama, which is why this is particularly getting on my nerves. Something happens and then I think its over and done with... but then it happens again and I don't like constantly feeling irritated/upset.

I haven't done anything other than observe what has been happening with the situation. In fact, I think I handled it maturely. The first few incidents, I let go. When he went and saw his ex, and what he was saying about her didn't match his actions, I let it go at first. But once they kept happening, I got angry. But I cooled off before I confronted my boyfriend and didn't make crazy accusations... the worst I said was "I get the feeling you still have feelings for your ex" (arent I suppose to honest?) We did fight, but it wasn't a yelling match just a heated argument.

I don't understand how Im being immature. I know he's in college and isn't the most mature person, but he is graduating in a few months and I wanted to simply see what other people thought. I have never had "ex issues" with a boyfriend before so I don't want to jump to conclusions and I was trying to describe the situation in as much detail, because on these forums its hard to know things about situations since we don't really "know" the people (as in see them in person). And it seems to me from other peoples' replies that Im not totally overreacting.

That is all, thanks everyone for their input.