Background:
My husband and I have been together for two years. He had been married once before and had two children with his ex who are both under ten years old. I was hesitant to start a relationship with him because I have no experience with children, but after meeting these sweet kids, I decided to put my heart into this relationship. Not only the one between my husband but with his children as well.
His last relationship was a very complicated one. They had met at a bar, one thing led to another, and nine months later he found out that he had a daughter at 18. He decided that marrying her was the right thing to do, but after she cheated on him he left her. He returned to their home once again (he said that he missed his daughter)... they couldn't get along, he left, then yet again found out that she was pregnant after she had told him she was on birth control... blah blah. They spent four years getting back together "for the children" then finally called it off for the last time in 2006. We met 2007... only a year later

The problem:
We have visitation every summer and winter break since we live in two very separate states. When we first moved, his ex would not let us talk to the children for over three months. We called every week, on birthdays, holidays, and no calls back. The ex did end up calling us after her child's birthday to let us know that she was not letting the children talk to us for their own safety, this was a trying time for them and she felt as though talking to their dad would some how hurt them,, This infurriated me, but my husband felt as though there was nothing he could do but to seek legal help.
BIG SURPRISE, once we spoke to a lawyer and paper work was sent out, the children called and are now allowed to come visit us before we ever had to go to court(It was in the paperwork that we get the visitation we now have all along).

This visit my step children have told me that they were very hurt that we had "abandoned them when we had moved. I was at a lose for words and mistakenly...maybe not mistakenly but I know that you should never speak negatively about the childrens mother......told them that there is no way we would ever abandon them, we love them so much and were so hurt becuase their dad and I called their house day after day trying to get ahold of them and that their mom called us and told us why she wasn't letting you talk to us.
I immediatly felt guilty because they defended their mother by saying that their mom did loose her phone for a few days and that their mom told them that she was just protecting them...this threw me for a loop because they had just said that they were so hurt....and all I could muster to say is that I didn't think keeping them from us was a way of protecting them and asked them how they felt. They reluctantly shrugged it off and didn't answer which told me that I lost my cool.

As the days went on, they told me things like I wish that I would have gotten my moms teeth because she said that bad teeth run on dads side of the family and that they are both getting braces sometime this year due to their dads bad teeth. They also mentioned that they were surprised that their mom let them come here because their dad doesn't watch them and is always pawning them off to my mother-in-law/their grandma. This is so far from the truth, we are very OVER protective of the children, and by the way their mother doesn't work and sends them to day care for eight hours a day and most the days their grandparents (her parents) pick them up from day care.....I guess there are too many examples to list...I'm just wondering...
What can I do the next time my step children say something negative about their father?

Part of me wants to call the ex (she was very chummy with me when we first got married, and even asked if I needed her to send their shoes, etc. which I feel was a poke, but none the less she is always trying to be nice which I appreciate.) Then again, as it stands my husband deals with her and for the most part lets me live peacefully without hearing her ridiculous requests. (i.e: we bought a sherrif set with an orange toy gun for the son to play with while he was here because he really really wanted it, and she called my husband letting him know that the toy was not allowed to be played with and told the kids if they played with it and she found out that they would be grounded when they got back home.) Which is another issue entirely... I think if I were in her shoes I would worry about my children too...but telling us what to do....I didn't think it was right....
My husband insisted if we would refuse to comply that she can be very nasty and that he is happy with the progress he has made by simply shutting up and letting her talk when she is on the phone yelling at him. Atleast he gets to see his children if he cooperates...
and at the moment we do not have money to hire another lawer to fight this battle.

I know it is hard for the kids to live two seperate lives, and ideally they would love to have their parents together as would any child...but is this something I should let slide? She has done this numerous times, and I feel as though she shouldn't have control over our lives...is that petty to think that way? The thought even crossed my mind to call her and ask her what rules she enforces in her home and maybe try to enforce them here? Don't get me wrong, in no way are we the lineant ones....we fight to have the children eat all of their dinner because mom doesn't make them eat vegetables, and try not to get too involved, but sometimes do not let them wear the crazy outfits they pick to wear...even though "mommy lets us wear whatever we want because it is our choice... though when they get made fun of at school we are the ones having to console them...
I need some advice!! I have yet to bring anything to my husbands attention, but we have talked about the fact that she commands orders... I understand that he doesn't want to loose his children again (you should have seen him during those 3 months)... but where do I draw the line. I worry how things will progress as they get older.. if their mother continues to bad mouth us... I am scared that I will say something stupid.. out of place... again... that may hurt the very close relationship I have with the children...

That's a very difficult situation you're in and I'd tread lightly. My sister deals with something similar and from her experience the more you resist what the mom wants (not in big matter but smaller ones such as what toys they can play with) the more she'll find to nit pick at but the more you go along with it cheerfully the more she'll start to lay off. As I mentioned this is in my sisters case I know it may not work in your case but she just found that the ex really enjoyed inconveniencing my sister when her son would come home and tell her it upset my sister it made the ex happy. But when she decided to just smile and say OK np the ex started to lay off because she wasn't getting the reaction she wanted. Good luck to you!

You can not get in the middle. You/he can not get argumentive over this.
The best thing to do is for DAD to have a talk with the kids telling them that there are people in life that will twist and exaggerate things about others. Never believe what you hear about others without going to the person and asking for their side of the story.

It shouldn't work by 'her demanding'
He may need to go to court and have some changes made in the custody/visitation order.
Like he could have a 3rd party agreement where she is not allowed to communicate with him in any way, shape or form except through a relative. They can even be the ones to pick up and drop the kids off for visits.
He can also have it put in the order that she is not to bad mouth him and possibly even get some counselling for her inappropriate behavior.

In a way, you are in a good position here.

You've only been a step mom for two years, and you have not raised children of your own. I see that you have great insight here, and you're trying to do the right thing. My first thought is, you are good for these children, have no resentment toward them, but need some guidance in dealing with their mother.

I look at this as being a continuous circle. Between you, your husband, the children, and their mother. You are as important, and as involved as either of them are; it is your home, your shared life with them, and your parenting of these children that will see them into healthy adults.

When things are brought up by the kids that give you an opportunity to 'correct' information or behaviour, avoid doing so, unless it is directly related to you, personally. If they ask about why there was a rift or no contact or abandonment, those are issues that you should tell them to speak to their father about. If they complain about their mother, tell them these are things they need to speak to their mother about.

As you have found out, defending the actions of your husband vs their mother, only leads to misinterpretation. You are dealing after all, with children, who express emotion on a children's level. They do not have the life experience to understand why adults do what they do.

Prompt your husband when these types of issues come up, and let him know what's going on, and maybe he should talk to them. But, talk to them without bashing the other parent, but to reassure them that things are fine, and that won't happen again. He should offer respectful and encouraging answers to these children, about their mother.

Don't put him in the position of having to defend you, when she calls and asks what the hell you are doing telling them that she was the cause of them feeling abandond. That pits two against one, and nobody wins.

I would send her an email, or phone her, and just be straight with her. Tell her you want to do the right thing by the children, you love them, and can see that they are well cared for (at least in what really counts), and let her know that when things come up regarding their care, or questions you may have, is it okay for you to call her for advice. Also tell her that she is more than welcome to call you, or email any instructions etc. and let you know if she is bothered by anything.

This is, and millions may disagree, going to be more about how you manage being a parent, while caught between your husband and their mother. Be diplomatic with the kids, don't speak for anybody else (their parents), and encourage them to speak with either their mom or dad when issues regarding the two of them come up. Don't put them in the ping pong ball court, bouncing around between believing who is telling them the truth.

All the adults have to be on the same page here. The kids will quickly learn that complaining about their parents won't affect their relationship with you, and they will accept that they need to speak to their mom, or their dad about issues to do with them. Don't add fuel to the fire, don't be a negotiator, and know your boundaries.

A friend of mine uses a diary notebook. The notebook arrives with the children with any special notes, information, etc. that you and your husband need to know. The book is returned with the kids, also with information from you on how the week(s) went, any problems you had, the things you did etc.

Ideally, the adults can all agree not to discuss personal or legal or any issues that involve one or the other, with the children. Adult business is between the adults only.

Failing that level of cooperation, free yourself from feeling the need to explain things to the children that were not your decisions to make in the first place, and defer to their mother or father. I know if I were the mother of these kids, I would really appreciate and respect that insight, and feel a lot more secure knowing that I'm not being painted as a rotten person to my children.

Go for the gold level, and settle if you have to, but clearly you are good for these children, and will do the right thing by them.

Good luck to you. I think you're going to be an amazing mom.

I speak from personal experience of being in a very similar situation - in fact, much worse.

All I can say to you is that as the 'step parent' and as the non custodial parents you have to learn to live with paradox and keep your real opinions to yourself.

The children love their mother, no matter how many lies and distortions she may utter. The children will also observe, as they grow older, that their father is not the gorgon she makes him (or you) out to be. They will begin to understand that all is not quite how it seems. It is not currently your place to 'enlighten' them about their mother's true motives - the children will eventually work this out for themselves.

Your role is to set the example of living with integrity. Don't bad mouth her or question her motives when the children talk about her. I would highly recommend that you do not have personal dealings with her - especially around the children. They already have a mother and a father - let your husband deal with her and them, it is his responsibility.

Remember that you want his children to see your home as a place of joy and sanctuary. Pick your fights. Clearly there are some rules that you will not compromise on - but not eating vegetables and wearing crazy clothing may be things that you want to ignore.

I have dealt with the paradox in my life by realizing that I am not a mother to my husband's children. I strongly support my husband in his parenting of them, and look after them when they are with us, but I am not their mother. It takes time and patience to live in and with this dynamic. I can assure you that it is ever changing, and each day brings new challenges!