This is kind of long, haha.

Met a girl who lived about 90 miles from me around Jan. Started dating became exclusive hit it off well. I'm 24 she's 20. She still has a few years of school left, and I'm graduated and working full time. Only saw her on the weekends. We both made efforts to see each other, whether I went there for a night, she came over for a night, or we met in her hometown. We rarely got to spend all weekend together. Once school ended she moved back home. She worked a lot and took a course and her work schedule was so different each week it was hard to plan. Things went pretty well I met her family numerous times including some extended, as well as she has met mine. Throughout the relationship she seemed happy and if I ever asked her, she agreed. We did at times wish we were closer, but sometimes I thought it was best we weren't since during the week she has school anyway. So that would give her time for focus. Things were moving fast and we were getting serious. Not marriage or anything but just spending our free time together and numerous daily updates of what was going on. At about 3 months she said I love you.

She did have a serious ex-boyfriend, started in same town then long distance mostly like a flight away, for like 2 years when she was 17-19. Her parents didn’t like him because she would ditch school to fly and see him and fly places like that. So she would lie. Okay. Now with me, she didn’t want to lie to her parents so she rarely did, and we wouldn't do anything crazy like she did with her X. her parents liked me.

Around 4 months in the relationship summer she went cold one weekend and was being very distant. Toward the end of that weekend we talked on the phone and she said that she just wanted to hang out with her friends, since she didn't see them at all this summer, because the time she had off we would have plans. I just told her she should communicate that more. And then we moved on.

Now throughout the summer she only visited me about 3-4 times. I visited her a lot more, mostly for a day or for an evening and because her schedule stunk. We didn't really get a chance to spend ALL weekend together. We always talked about in the fall when school started then we could spend all weekend together and maybe a weekday trip here and there since she would have a car up there too. But she did say there were certain weekends that she couldn't hang out, which was fine. She wasn't the only reason to go up where she was in school and/or her hometown. I had tons of friends in both places, both mutual or not, that I would see on my trips too both with her and alone. So she knew if I came to see her and she had plans, she didn’t have to feel obligated to see me, since I had others I can easily go out with etc. So that was totally fine with me.

We talked numerous times during the day. Skype, voice, email, text, sometimes it was just to say hi and sometimes we actually had big things to talk about. But I know at times especially this past month it was a bit much. But we were both just going with the flow.

Around 5 months she did a surprise visit to me. That night I tried to look at her phone and she freaked out. She said she doesn't like anyone taking her phone. Whatever, I kept on the phone and then started looking through her messages, not what, but from who. A guy she dated briefly like 4 years ago who she knew since little, and was her first, was on there. (I didn't know it was her first until later). I know he likes her because she's told me this, but she said he randomly texts to go to to church or whatever. So no big deal, I don't care. I was pretty secure about the relationship and trusted her. The only reason I looked at her phone is because she always looked at mine. Mine was always with me, always sitting there, because I had to have it near me.

We had our 6 month anniversary and then shortly after she was being kind of weird. Over the phone she said she felt overwhelmed. (Because at 6 months I asked her what she thought. Since at 6 months u either want to be with the person, or u don't, u should know. Whenever we talked about future, she got very iffy. She almost never wanted to plan too far in a head, maybe no more than a month or so. Which whatever, fine.) So we got to talking and she said we should take a slight step back. She was overwhelmed with the texting and the emailing and phone calling. She said the I love you and I miss you and I want to be with you texts were too much and constant. I told her we've always talked multiple forms that since day 1, so I hope you haven't always felt this way. So she said let's just relax on talking as much, but she had to go. (she runs away from serious convos a lot with her excuses.) She said she'd call in an hour. I knew she had plans and things to do, I didn't hear from her until well into the night. She said that she felt we need to take a break. Stay together, but just take a break and see if she misses us, misses everything. Fine.
She calls me that next night to talk, and I talk like normal. Then she asks if she can call later and we can skype. We traded pictures from our recent trip and she acted happy. Towards the end of the skype I asked her so what's up. Finally she said she wants to be with me but she doesn't know about being in a relationship. Goodnight. I love you.

I guess I’m just here to vent. Throughout the relationship I noticed she would do her best to avoid any arguments. Especially in person, since we only had so much time together and she didn't want us to be fightting. We really never fought though. I’ve spent HOURS reading different stories, including 2 in the sticky, and I see every time someone says they need a break, there’s someone else in the picture. I am 99% sure that her first from the phone text is not a threat. Right now I think she was just overwhelmed with us and her free time was us, and it was constant. And now with school starting and her preparing for that, she will be busy the next 3-4 weekends. But that’s my 2 cents. I will update you soon, as I know she will call soon.

Well it looks like she isn't sure about the commitment idea. She clearly likes you but seems afraid and uncertain about the future. It seems that she is actually overwhelmed with all the events. Remember she is still young. Her previous relationship that she embraced with such effort has really had an impact. The problem lies within her. She seems confused and wants to slow down and understand what she wants from life and where she's going. I would advise you to have a stress free talk about how she feels and what is troubling her. Let her know that you are there for her no matter what painful secrets she might reveal. Let her know that you are willing to listen and help her solve what ever is on her mind. Take it easy on the "I love so much" part cause this will make her feel uncomfortable. Just show her that you really care about her feelings and you do want her to be happy no matter how it will effect you because she is really thinking too much about how you feel and that makes her feel anxious and stops her from unfolding her troubles.
Good luck!

Thanks so much Mikis. She told me about her past relationship when I asked about it back in the beginning. I know that she didn't like how they were together a lot for like 5+ straight days at times. She knows I will be her for her and support her for anything.



Yesterday morning she calls me at work. I'm thinking ? She just wanted to say good morning and I told her I couldn't do this. I can't talk to you when you are thinking about breaking up. She said she had to go, (again, but I know she was getting to work), and would call me later.I said okay then let's finish this conversation tonight I hate dragging it. 2 hours later, an email, "how is your day going?". I didn't respond. At night she sent me a text saying goodnight. I said are you going to keep your word on what you said about calling me? So she calls me. We talk for about 40 minutes. First she tries to do small talk like we usually do how you doing etc, yadda yadda. She asks why I didn't respond to her email, I said no small talk. She asks, did you just delete it? Me thinking who flippin cares? She said the past few days she didn't know what she wanted. We talked via email durin those days about me coming up the first few weekends since she cannot come to me with her schedule. She was busy the next 4 weekends with moving in and work and school starting. She wanted a break because she felt that she didn't see her friends this past summer (I toldher that's not my fault as it takes 2, and plus her work schedule was absurd), the relationship was moving too fast and serious, originally distance wasn't an issue and now it is (which baffles me since I told her we could meet during the week if we miss each other, and if we were in the same city then things would be even more serious.. so she'd run away anyway, and she just said she wants to see if she misses us, so why is distance even relevant), we are both at different places in our lives. She did consider me one of her best friends a month ago, she loves talking to me as we can talk endless about anything, and in person the enjoyment we have is remarkable. She wanted to take a break, like 30 days, get settled in with school and see how we are, see if she misses me, everything, but she still wanted to talk daily. I told her she has 2 options. A) Work out our differences and stay together. B) break, that means breakup in my eyes, so no contact. She got mad that I would be willing to not talk to her and said something about our friendship. Well needless to say, we went break up.

I realize she's young, but for her age she was quite the mature girl. But
I guess I am confused on the reasons for break. Because they all just came down trickling and she didn't really talk to me about it in the past. Part of me says talk to her and be that great friend and supportive person, but the other side is telling me okkkkayy so I'm not going to give her the cookie and the steak. Or whatever that line is, haha.

If we were to get back together there would be some definite changes, and I'd make it clear that it's okay if we didn't see each other every weekend because she I know felt bothered that I wanted to hang out every weekend. And I know she wanted it to be a little different where she could be with her friends all weekend, and have more time to miss me. But part of me also realizes she doesn't need to see that person every weekend (even though we mostly have the past 6 months) is because her past serious relationship of 2 years she wouldn't see her ex for months, and I think she's in 'that mindset'. But again that's that small chance IF we get back together.

It is just confusing, because you love someone, and you say you're in love with them, yet you are willing to talk away from it and not even ATTEMPT to work on it? She said she's tried, but that was on her end, we didn't both work together on these issues since they were never brought up.

I don't expect a reunite with us, but I know I will be running into her in the next month or so at the bars.. So far I've kept no contact.

And by no contact I mean so far its been like 12 hours, ha.

Keep going.before you know it it ll be twelve days!:-)

Here are some of the things I see:

1. She doesn't know what she wants. This is bad. This shows that her interest in devoting time to you and your relationship is wanning fast.

2. Communication problems. She has problem adequately communicating how she feels to you and you have problems adequately communicating how you feel to her.

3. Distance. Distance always puts a major strain on a relationship. It makes it much, much harder to retain that physical intimacy and bond needed for a healthy relationship.

4. Age. She is still growing. You are too. You are both at different points in your lives. She is in the middle of her college life, you are at the end of your college life. You are about to take the next step with getting your career and working toward becoming established. She is still in college party mode. She wants to live it up and be free to explore all her options, while you want a relationship and commitment from her. It is not really anyone's fault that this has happened, but more than likely the age and timing in which you both entered this relationship wasn't right.

When a girl is in to you, I mean really in to you, she will do anything she can to spend time with you.

Now that you are broken-up, it's time for you to quit worrying about her, concentrate on graduating and your career, and start living your life and becoming successful. She is at a whole different point right now and is not ready to settle with one person. She is free and wants to explore and I think it is fair for her to do that, just like it is fair for you to go out and see what opportunities exist for you. She wants to spread her wings, you already have and are about to take off.

Go NC to make it easier on you both to move on. If you run into her at a bar, be cordial, pleasant, and polite. Sometime things just don't work out either because of all the external circumstances surrounding everything. Just know that neither of you are at fault, it's just the way it worked out.

Thanks JMW.

Actually I am already graduated, have an AWESOME job, and have my own company. Haha, those were such a turn on for her. She loved that I was goal orientated and had my head on straight.

But yeah now she definitely came to the I don't know what I want. I want to be with you, but I don't know if I want a relationship.

I do see what you mean by her wanting to be in college party mode. But she was like that spring semester, she would go out during the week, and then on weekends when I was there we would all go out, or she would come see me for a night where we would relax and do non alcoholic, mostly, activities. Part of me thinks she'll do that the first few weeks, then she could get partied out like she did all last semester and then realize she's missing what we had. But that's what we'd like to think right? At least that's how I'm seeing it.

When doing NC, how do you know if it is right to respond if she really sees that she wants us back and doesn't really care about the whole party scene as much, as last spring?

If she wants to get back with you will know. She will do anything to communicate that intention to you.

Until then, assume the worst and start getting yourself back into focus.

Understood. But where do you know when if she is trying to communicate just because she wants me to be a friend , as opposed to really wanting to get back together. The whole pie and piece thing

You will know because she will tell you. Don't dwell on what she wants right now, just do for yourself, and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule - Do your own thing after a break up, and don't worry about someone else's thing.

Concentrate on YOU don't waste time worrying about her thoughts or actions.

Yeah. I have been. I went out last night, it was a good time. I started rekindling with old friends, have plans to meet out with them this weekend, including a few attractive ones, ha.

Just in the back of my mind I don't see her as walking away.

I dated a girl few years back that didn't want commitment, so I gave her the cold shoulder no contact. A week later she wrote me a long email saying how she wanted to be with me. Then poof. We were together. Ha but that was luck. Of course not together now but I learned from my mistakes, kind of, well, not really, since some mistakes I made again in this most recent relationship.. haha damn

We all make mistakes-we re human-hopefully we learn from our mistakes!:-)

She has another person in mind. I went through this and it's similar. She has somebody she wants to experience dating with and she is not sure if sticking with you is a good idea

But on the trust we had and her talking about me with her rents its hard to see how it could be like someone else involved.

She just texted me. I no CONTACT !
If she wants me, I think I'll know, but her text was short, so psh

Miss memuch lol

Any contact from her will be meaningless. If she wants to get back together, which is highly unlikely, she will definitely let you know in another way besides a crappy text. Hell, if she texted you wanting you back, I wouldn't take that either. What a lazy way to attempt to convey your feelings to someone...

Yeah. It's funny to me because past few weeks if I asked her are you happy she would say, if I wasn't happy I wouldn't be with you.

Then it was like a light switch, poof, step back, no break for 30s, no breakup. Ha.

I'm disappointed it was a phone breakup, but hey, it shows about that person.

I hate it when they push your buttons just to get a reaction. Any reaction will do.

She's back..

I was out on fri night, her friend saw me at bar time and texted her. She sent me a message saying hey when do you want to get your stuff. Then I talked to her and then sat we tlaked like we weren't broken up, I had her meet me early sun morning to talk. She said she didn't want to break up, she just was too overwhelmed and I put her in a situation of either being together or nothing and she became pressured to just make a decision.

We decided a few things will be changed, like the understanding that she was tired like the past 4 weeks because of her work schedule and on her open day we had plans so she couldn't just sleep in or relax. So hopefully things work out for the best.

She did say what upset her the most was that I refused to talk to her after we broke up and would avoid her attemps to contact.

Question


Understood. But where do you know when if she is trying to communicate just because she wants me to be a friend , as opposed to really wanting to get back together. The whole pie and piece thing

Answer

You will know because she will tell you. Don't dwell on what she wants right now, just do for yourself, and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule - Do your own thing after a break up, and don't worry about someone else's thing.
She asks

miss me much lol
You did well ignoring this feeble attempt at contact, as it sounds as if your okay to be treated like you did something wrong, rather than admitting she over reacted, and could have just communicated her feelings.
Then this happened

she's back..

She said she didn't want to break up, she just was too overwhelmed and I put her in a situation of either being together or nothing and she became pressured to just make a decision.

We decided a few things will be changed, like the understanding that she was tired like the past 4 weeks because of her work schedule and on her open day we had plans so she couldn't just sleep in or relax. So hopefully things work out for the best.

She did say what upset her the most was that I refused to talk to her after we broke up and would avoid her attempts to contact.

Does that mean she will tell you she is tired, and overwhelmed, so you can back off, and let her rest? Or will she just dump you over the phone again?

Your right she is back, and you know changes must be made, not just by YOU, but HER too! Or else nothing will have been learned, and getting back together will only be another mistake.

Yeah. We are together now which is good, but we will see the changes that will happen.

Originally she said she didn't see a future with me. I guess the last week of being broken up she realized that she actually does see a future.

I told her that I don't want her freaking out either. And then she has to make plans with me like we always have, meaning a future date on our hangout so we have that ability to look forward to something. She also said that school is gooing to be busy and stuff with work also, but she doesn't want to do a seeing each other once every few weeks relationship. I told her I don't want that either, so we BOTH have to put forth the effort to see each other hopefully once a week, if not the weekend then maybe during the week.

I haven't seen her in like 12 days minus this past weekedn for an hour when we talked.
She's got a pretty busy work schedule but I asked her to make the effort after work since after labor day she'll being school without a car.
After that conversation she got all weird again. Not saying much on the phone, almost acting distant. Then we kind of ended the conversation like not normal.

A few texts to ask what's up and she said nothing, I told her when she's not happy I'm not happy. But I still sense something like she isn't tell me.

I'm annoyed. Oh my rants

Oh and of course she replies that she's happy.
But actions speak louder than words, at least by our phone conversation where she was like more like a "blah" pasive state

But then on a text she says everything is fine she's happy.

I mean I realize people can be stressed with other things

But jesus, make a bigger effort to make me understand if something else is on your mind, or state that really you are happy and not to worry about crap hah.

OK. The best advice I can tell you is back off a little. You seem like you are trying to "fix" things and constantly asking her what's wrong. This is not a good way to go about things. By questioning her and trying to find out "Whats wrong" all the time, you are annoying her and pushing her away.

What's wrong is you are now looking too deep into things and annoying her and yourself out. Relax... Stay cool. Don't think things will get back to the way they were overnight... if ever.

You both need to work on you communication skills. You need to quit worrying about her so much and start worrying about yourself, or else you will push her right out of the door again.

Heck yeah I am annoyed and stressed. For a second there I felt like I was happier last week when I was 4 days into NC.

Not really try to fix things in a night but yesturdya being there first day back, we've emailed and spoke the same way we have before we broken up, and I wasn't even the initiator for the most part. Confusing.

So when things seem weird don't look so much into it? I just thought that after how well estyurday supposively went, that her stubbornness on the phone wouldn't have been there, unless her attitude from something else is just affecting how she was talking to me, and not realizing it.

Maybe I'll do a semi NC. Not be so responsive to her. And not answer every time she calls when she is at work or at home.

Not necessarily do NC... but don't assume things are wrong all the time. Try doing more things on your own so you have more to talk about with her than the relationship.

Talking about the relationship does more harm than good.

Sorry guy but relationships are to be enjoyed, as you grow together. I see none of that at all, do you??

I know spending time is better than sitting there on the phone talking about the relationship. She called me again after work to talk asking me how my day was and stuff. A normal conversation.

I brought the hanging out again, when, because we are unsure. I told her this weekend, and she works, but come after. It's like she can't make that olbigation to see me. The weekend after she has her first weekend of school and would prefer me not to come since she hasn't seen people since 6 months (I don't know where 6 came from school ended in may) and wants to be able to hang out with them etc and not have to worry about if I'm doing all right and what not. And I told her I know people there so its no like I'm going to be clung to her hip.

Well then she started to become less enthusiastic about us, and not sure why. She has to think about it she says. Well I told her I'm not going to date a girl that isn't eager to see me, nor that is only going to see me once every 3 weeks. She said she's okay once every 3 but I'm not..

So now I'm trying to figure out if she 'says' we're together now just so it's easier to move apart and forget about me and just has me hanging on her thread.

If she doesn't come visit this weekend, I think I'm pulling the cord myself, and doing NC. Because then I won't see her for 2 weeks, and haven't seen her for 2 weeks prior, and the 2 hours Sunday morning psh, come on that was nothing.

Tell me again why you wanted her back in the first place?? This is starting to sound like the same crap you started with.

I would disappear from her life forever, with no advance notice at all.

I don't know its confusing to me now. I guess I can either see if she's going to attempt to visit and make things right, or am doing what I did best, NC.

Ask yourself if you still want to be in this situation in a months time? A year? Etc etc.I think its time to walk away.

I don't. And trust me I've been reading all your answers over and over. And you know the NC was AWESOME, I felt good.

But when she came back, it made me realize, OK a few things
She did miss me.
She broke up because she needed some space. (the whole time she said she knew we'd get back together pretty much)
We can't just jump into things like it was, even though it did feel like that sometimes these past few days.

She told me she didn't know if she wanted to put as much effort, which was a reason why she called it off last week. When we talked Sunday I said I want to see that. I'm supposed to be up and visit her for sure in 2 weeks, but I told her I can't wait that long and stressed to come today or this weekend.

I think if I don't see her this weekend.

I will tell her straight over the phone, that now I don't see a future with her, her lack of commitment-meaning trying to see each other isn't there, and I'm done wasting my time and playing games. Then disappear without saying anything else, leaving no contact.

I mean I realize she is overwhelmed with school starting, but if she really wants this to work, this is MY demand and what I want to see.

And stick with the N C one hundred percent.good luck.

I would walk. This is not what you want, but this is all she is willing to give. Why touture yourself? Find someone who wants to see you and be with you, not string you along until someone better comes along... thats what she is doing.

So this whole second look thing is based on her feelings changing yet again a week ago??

I think your fixing to learn why men should never think with their hearts, because females can feed you just what your heart wants to hear, and that's what she is doing.

Hey talaniman
I missed what you meant by the second look thing

Here's an update.
We been speaking well like we never broke last week. I told her that if she didn't make an effort on coming here this weekend, then I don't know how I am going to feel.

Well, she finally got her work schedule for this weekend, and she doesn't work Sunday, so what do you know, she called me excited happy to come up and hang out all day, if she is prepared for her move to school since she moves up the next day. But today she is set to go and can't wait. So I guess I kind of see where the stress was coming from for the breakup or space last week, where she had the work schedule, then she had her roomates bugging her to come up early, then she had me asking to hangout, then she had the preparation for school and hanging out with her family.

So things are looking okay once again. But I am going to make sure that I treat that as a breakup that happened, and not just a space thing, because we were broken up. She didn't even tell her parents that we did, but instead told them that we are just taking a breather, which made me realize the whole time she didn't want to break up, but really just needed some space to breath.

Am I ranting too much? Haa. Either way it feels good to get the things out. But I like everyone else's perspective on things. My friend still thinks she's young and doesn't know what she wants, that, or she's really good at convincing me and knows what to say to keep me as interested, haha.

And I do see that she doesn't like confrontation with people. Getting in arguments. But I'm trying to change that. We haven't really gotten into a fight with each other until well that breakup, but even that wasn't a fight. We've been in a small argument here and there. But to me I like to have an argument from time to time. I like to see how that person handles themselves, and the situation. Do they need some time to think abou tstuff? Do they want to resolve it right away? Do they just put a guard up? Do they ignore it?

I guess I analyze crap like that, ha

Talaniman Rule- Never analyze the female mind, You will go crazy.

Just pay attention, and be yourself. I have never tested a female, never will, but if she puts up with my crap, and I can deal with hers, that works, now for how long?? Well that always remains to be seen.

The real test is how well you work together to resolve your issues, to the benefit of both.

Relationships/marriages are about to partners that are willing to keep working together, no matter what life throws at you.

So she came over yesturday and spent the day with me. Things for the most part went well. We attended a local event that was going on and I don't think she could have been happier, and to spend the day outside with me.

The only problem I see is that we have hit a point in our communication. She doesn't either know how to or doesn't want to open up on sometimes when we talk. For example if I ask her something (not like what is your fav color but) she will say I don't know.

Then on her drive back we talked a little and I told her IDK is not really an answer that's going to help me understand. Then finally she told me her reasoning , but she kept it brief.

I guess short term okay fine, but long term this connects back to her overwhelming and running away breaking it off again.

I asked her about that too, in person, on how do I know that she won't run away if she gets overwhelmed. I told her she doesn't have my 100% trust, which kind of bothered her, but I said that I gave her my all and then she ran away, and there's no saying that will happen again. She said there is no saying she may run away, but she's going to try harder to talk about issues.

So I guess I want to know how can I get her to crack. She knows I'll be there for her on anything. But when it comes to things, I would like her to talk about it when they originally come up, and not just give me a short answer then make an excuse to go.

For some people its harder to develop the skills, or acquire the experience, to learn to communicate effectively. On your part, patience is required, while these skills are developed in your partner.

People grow, and learn at different times, and speeds, and patience is a necessary tool for growing together.

Understanding these differences between people, goes a long way to being able to communicate with them. You both have to learn each other language, and that takes time, and a lot of practice, and again, patience.

So when we are discussing something and I am given an answer which makes no sense to me, for example IDK, then just keep working on, while not trying to pressure, to get the person to communicate their thoughts?

The difference between pressure, and gentle pressure, is how much you apply. People need time to think sometimes is all. Some take longer than others.

Your putting way too much pressure on her, and she will run. I agree with Tal. Your older and she is younger, no matter how mature she is. She is having second thoughts and by you wanting things your way, she will just eventually say good-bye. The only way you will have a chance with her to rekindle the way it use to be, is to back off and give her space. That is what she needs right now. You are settled, graduated and have yourself together. She isn't on the same page as you.. take it slow.

Threads merged

I'm curious, if your girlfriend is hanging out with a guy or 2 she slept with in the past (like a one night thingy), would that bother you? I mean not alone, but if she hangs out with the guys roomates and he's there, or obviously she sees them at bars. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be bothered by this or not.

Well, I go through this same thing man. My girlfriend is only friends with guys she has hooked up with, other than her girlfriends. That means every time she talks to a guy friend, she has hooked up with in some way. Sure it bothers me, but you know what, I spend a lot of my time with her so I doubt she could fit in time with a side fling. If you don't see your girlfriend a lot it might be something to worry about. That connection between people who hook up is always going to be there. There will always be that twinkle in the eye so to speak. SO my friend, just be weary. If you trust your girlfriend you should be fine. If you don't trust your girlfriend it might be valid to worry. But hey, look at it this way. Those guys are old stuff to her. You are the new guy in her life. Only if your relationship was very very bad would she go back to the old and the used.

Hey there

True true. It sucks it has to be that way. I'm not going to tell her NOT to hang out with them, but it does bother me a little. When I asked her she said he doesn't like her, never did, just good friends. But at the same time I don't think HE knows about me. We are in a LDR too, 90 minutes a way, so its not like bam lets hang out kind of thing.

I trust her, but I know she's flirty with people, naturally. So although I know nothing will happen, alcohol makes people do silly things, which is what was that happened between them 2

i trust her, but i know she's flirty with people, naturally. so although i know nothing wil happen, alcohol makes people do silly things, which is waht was that happened between them 2

It has nothing to do with alcohol or any other thing. This has to do with you being insecure, period. I have "hooked up" with girls and remained friends with them. There is NO sparkle in the eye either as I never had an emotional attachment to most of them. Sex doesn't have to be about a deep connection, even though it probably should be. There is a link that one of the experts has here regarding LDR... they aren't easy and we tend to overanalyze everything about everything, so to speak. It would probably do you good to read this link.

She has given you no reason not to trust her so until then relax and enjoy your time together. Simple as that. If two people are going to hook up it will happen and if she wants to use alcohol as an excuse then you have bigger problems.

You either trust your girlfriend or you don't. That's the question you have to ask yourself.

I guess I always been to avoid awkward situations you know? Like in this case avoiding a situation where she comes back and says oh they got drunk and he made a pass at her. Crap like that lol.

The bottom line is about trusting. Do you trust her or not? It truly is essential in ANY type of relationship. You can't spend your time worrying about things that haven't happened while you are dating her, that will be just miserable.

The bottom line is about trusting. Do you trust her or not? It truly is essential in ANY type of relationship. You can't spend your time worrying about things that haven't happened while you are dating her, that will be just miserable.

Had to spread rep. It can't be more clear than that.

This is an internal conflict. It's not about her actions. It's about how you feel knowing these aspects of her. Is this the type of girl that you want to be with? Can you let her live her life without feeling so insecure about her?

I trust her.
But where do lines get drawn? I read some posts in the past where the girl wants the pie and the slice. That's why I thought hey is this one of those situations?

And you are right, I seen myself stressed out sometimes in the past thinking about things, that I need not waste time thinking about.

And when you say is this the type of girl.. then I can either say it doesn't make me comfortable she is doing that, or be find someone else right?

p.s thanks guys I do like the feedback as I am seeing the view from another perspective. Maybe I do have certani insecurities that I need to deal with on my own.I guess I just never know when the line is crossed, or if it is crossed.

but where do lines get drawn? I read some posts in the past where the girl wants the pie and the slice. That's why i thought hey is this one of those situations?

The line is drawn internally. You decide where to draw the line. You decide by seeing your comfort zone. Has she crossed your comfort zone?


and you are right, i seen myself stressed out sometimes in the past thinking about things, that i need not waste time thinking about.

If you feel that stressed about it, you can try to bring it up with her and see where that leads. Relationships do take hard work, so she might be willing to compromise because she cares about you, but don't hold your breath (i.e. don't expect her to change for you). Keep in mind that you can't ask her to be someone else. You can't tell her what to do and not to do.


and when you say is this the type of girl.. then i can either say it doesnt make me comfortable she is doing that, or b find someone else right?

Exactly! If she's not your type, then it's time to call it quits. You're not forced into this relationship. Relationships are suppose to be happy and natural. It's not suppose to be so stressful.

Whoever you are with unless you trust them the relationship will suffer. Why paint worst case scenarios?this seems to be more about your own insecurities than anything else.

See if these sights help you.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship (http://www.aish.com/d/w/48964126.html)

Its easy to be insecure, and LDR's intensify those feeling. Your situation is made a bit more difficult because your still learning how to communicate with each other.

Your own actions should be thought out to insure honesty, and clarity, and never be impulsive with your words, or actions, as working on yourself is important, and relating with others on a level of trust requires maturity, confidence, and a lot of thought, along with communication.

LDR's make all those things really hard, for even the best couples.

I'm an idiot.

So this past weekend a few days prior she was talking about hanging out. This was the first weekend after school started so all this time I thought she wanted to party. But she said maybe one night with the roomates then the other night with me or come visit me etc. Then it was all weekend with me. Then Fri she said she wants to stay up there and party with her roomies, and she'll see me the weekend after, since I was coming up there anyway. Well fri I ended up going up there anyway, saw her for a bit and then she was going to drink with her roomies, girls night. FUnny thing is when I went there, there were like 3 other guys there. She said it was the roomates BF, and his friends, so I was thinking okay SOME flippin girls night hey. When I was leaving her roommate asked if I wanted to stay and drrink with them, I looked at my girlfriend and she didn't seem that excited so I just left. An hour later she says the girls night is kind of lame and her and one of the roomates are going to the bars to meet this guy (old friend of hers who was visiting in town) and said I should come there too. Well I was at a party so I figure I'd meet her later. When I was going to head there she said she was already home and had a ty night. I went to see her and she was DRUNK. She said she's done with it ALL. I asked what. she said she ran into her old roommate (who I messed around with and doesn't know we are dating) and she blew her off and didn't say anything. So she was upset with that and said it was over. So here she is breaking up with me drunk. She said she doesn't see us getting married. (this is the girl that didn't like to look too far in the future). She said that we are in different places in life, the distance is too much and stuff. So it was a repeat of when we had the break, only the whole can't see us getting married. Wow.

So I left back to the bars and then like na idiot went to her place after and stayed over. Sat she hung with her roomates and I saw her a few times during the day I stopped over cuddled she wanted me to stay but I had other plans. I asked her if she wanted to come but she said she wanted to nap. She didn't know if she wanted to get back to gether. She said she didn't like how when she wanted to go out I asked if she was going to drink. I mean I don't care if she drinks but I know she gets flrity and I don't want her blacking out thinking OK what did I do. You know? So she didn't like that. So I went out that night and she stayed in.. WEIRD. I figured she would have went out and partied, but no. She texted and said m aybe it wasn't a good idea if I came over that night. She said we need to figure things out... well, me being drunk, I told her I'm coming over and I went over there anyway. We didn't really cuddle, as in the text she said I can sleep with her but no cuddling. I woke up that morning and it was just akward. I asked her if she loved me and she said sometimes. I got up and left and then texted her and she responded it came out wrong. She said do you actually think I'm not in love with u? Whatever.

Hours pass, she texts me to see if I was still in town. I didn't respond.

I feel like an idiot. She tells me she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know if she wants a relationship. So it's over. It's weird because I mean I feel okay, I do miss the idea of her, how great times we had and I did kind of see a future with her, but again I don't get if you're in love like you say you are, then are willing to just walk away from it.

So this weekend I'll be up there for a birthday party, I may see her out, I may not. I have a feeling she may try to contact me. She may try to talk to me at the bars. I don't know.

I'm on no contact since this morning. So far, so good. I just feel I don't know like just an idiot for some reason.

You're not an idiot.

Put down the stick you're beating yourself with and realize that she has no clue what she wants, which is not fair to you.

Stick with no contact until the dust settles. Busy yourself. Time will lend clarity to the situation.

That was exciting, but leave her alone until the emotional dust settles and you both can have a serious adult, sober conversation. Your party animal g/f doesn't seem to have time for a relationship.

Read my signature. To be honest, I wouldn't give the time of day to someone who put her friends, and the bars, before being with me. No way.

But I saw her point of view being the first weekend in college with her new roomates and she wanted to be with her girls

And then come sat she didn't even go out , she sat at home doing her school work lol...

But yeah... I'm just bothered because out of all the girls I dated, she was quite the amazing, head on straight (ha for the most part when it didn't include relationships), girl that I ever dated. Lik eher qualities I would see in a wife.

But yeah she is young and trying to see what she wants in life.

I am just not sure what's in store for this weekend if I run into her. Do I miss her? I don't really miss the constant text and phone talks here and there, but I wouldn't mind a hey how are you what's up kind of deal.

I'm annoyed because this is the 3rd relationship where after 6 month point, they usually went sour

The first one asked me to convert to her religion, I left.
The second one said it was too serious
The third one, well, you figure it out

I'm not sure hwat to do... do I do a no contact for a few months? Do I try to talk to her after giving her some space?

Well by the looks of it, it seems I should leave her alone and no contact.
But what if she comes back yet AGAIN realizing she knows what she wants, which was me.

Sounds like a game she is playing with you. She wants to be single and party and experience college. In her mind you are holding her back, so when she doesn't want you around anymore, she just "breaks-up" with you.

Pretty soon, you will be coming back writing that she hooked up with one of her roommate's friends or something.

This situation is no good. Why are YOU letting yourself be dragged through the mud over and over again. If I was constantly smelling this much BS, I'd end it myself.

What you fail to see is that you focus on the reality of your situation, not the what ifs, that may not happen. That's about your healing, and how well you adjust to your changed circumstances.

That's what's important right now, you, not her, or what she does.

Sounds like a game she is playing with you. She wants to be single and party and experience college. In her mind you are holding her back, so when she doesn't want you around anymore, she just "breaks-up" with you.

Pretty soon, you will be coming back writing that she hooked up with one of her roommate's friends or something.

This situation is no good. Why are YOU letting your self be dragged through the mud over and over again. If I was constantly smelling this much BS, I'd end it myself.

Yeah, I know it is stupid games. I failed to pickup on it when it first started. But the whole partying thing, I didn't understand, because she didn't even go out on Saturday, sat at home by herself watching TV. And Friday, she was out for maybe 2 hours, then went home by midnight. So that's why I didn't see the partying thing maybe as what she wanted, even though she talked about can't waiting to party that first weekend of school.

But when I look back on all this, I did put up with a lot, went out of my way, put in more effort. Yes I may be happy when I was with her, but still. It shouldn't be this hard to be in a relationship.

Well currently in no contact. How is it working out? Easy so far. I thought about her a few times during the day yesturday and this morning. But I think I'll survive.

No contact continues.

I'm beginning to realize how the communication wasn't always there, and she'd avoid arguments just for the sake of avoiding them.

Hell, she broke up with me under the influence of alcohol. 2 thumbs up to that one. The first time was over the phone.

NC since sun morning. She called just now and left a vm.

She said she had a feeling I wasn't going to answer. She wanted to talk to me.. so if I want to tallk call or text or wahtever.. if I want. Bye

She s fishing.Dont swallow the bait.Man up and step away from the drama.

It's a given that once you go NC they will eventually try to get in touch with you. That is when you find out how much strength and how serious you really are about doing this.

I don't feel like calling, because I don't know if it's a you know what I made a mistake or a HI friendly crap

So I feel better not ignoring it. I think if she really wanted me, she will keep attempting, she knows I will be in her college down thur-sun. so I would expect higher efforts to see me when I'm there. Bu ti could be wrong because she really isn't a chaser.

If she really wants you she will show up in person and do everything she can to prove it. Phone calls, emails, texts, they mean nothing.

Haha yeah true. But she won't show up at my place because she has no car in college.

So that means since I am ignoring this, she will have to make a much stronger attempt thur-sun.


Otherwise, she just wanted attention. And then I suckered in to breaking nc

I think the hard part of NC is when THEY are doing the contacting. That's when you find out how strong you are.

You mentioned this was only your third relationship. That's how it works. You meet new people, date, even have a relationship for a few months. You learn about yourself and what you like; what you don't.

If you want to stop the drama, then you stop. NC
This situation of on and off again could go on for years, if you let it, and during that time you will miss out on many other opportunities life has to offer.

No no I don't want drama.

But if it comes to a point where the girl REALLY realizes that she loves me and misses me and wants to work things out, then cool.

But I don't want to be a sucker and answer if that's not the case you know?

And I also don't want to think what if , like if I just lost the opporunity and will always wonder what if...

I'm surprised she called actually, I would have expected like a text, and not a phone call.

She may just want to make sure she still "has" you.

Time will tell what she really wants, but it's not going to be any time soon.

Talaniman Rule-Once you start NC, Its time to get a life that you enjoy without the ex. Or else you sit like a dope wondering what if, or what she means, or why not. All a waste of time.

Talaniman Rule- Nothing like a break up to find out about yourself, and do you like what you have become?

Talaniman rule- If your worrying about what an ex is doing, or will do, then your not doing what your supposed to do for yourself.

Talaniman Rule- If you can't make yourself better by yourself, how the heck can you expect somebody else to do it for you?

Talaniman Rule- Never show your wussihood by falling for cheap crap from another human being, ex, or not.

1:00am text

"are you done talking to me"

Damnit sh ewoke me up, time to back to sleep

Tal I like the rules u have.

Tal s rules are good advice and Id re-read them every time this girl tries to contact you.

Wish I didn't have to learn them the hard way :( :o

That's why it s called the school of hard knocks!:-)

Don't let her emotionless texts make you feel guilty. This is what she wanted.

Yeah.. but she did leave a voicemail wanting to talk earlier in the day. And I am going to be up in her town in a few hours, I'm talking 2 miles from her place. She knows that too. So I don't kow when to differentiate if she REALLY wants to talk . As I won't be able to come on here and talk to you guys haha

Some of you are going to hate me, for breaking NO contact.

After 5 days of NC I was in her town visiting some friends. At around midnight I texted her asking if she wanted me to come over. And so I did. We did the sex, and that morning I told her friends with benefits was great, and she got extremely upset. She bluntly said I want to get back together with you. And I asked how am I supposed to believe that. She said because she wouldn't have slept with me then. So of course I ask, why the hell did you break up with me then. And she said she needed space. She was overwhelmed again. So I told her I don't know I want to get back together with her.

Later that day she called and asked me out on a date to lunch, so I accepted. I made it clear we're not together, but I'll go on a date. We hung out for a few hours and she said she apologizes for breaking up. She always works on an impulse, and doesn't think. So I asked her you assumed we were together even though you said we were broken up? She said yes, because she just needed some time to get things together. This is the second time she did this, and I told her I can't go back and forth. She insisted she come visit me all weekend this weekend and spend time together and wants to take me out somewhere nice to eat. I figure, what do I have to lose. She's trying to chase me again, as I'm not being completely available to her.

Any thoughts?

You've been going along with the program so far, why stop now?

Here's what I don't get. You call her up, clearly intoxicated and looking to get laid. Fine, you did. Then you say to her how you are cool with the whole "friends with benefits" thing... again, whatever, I think it is a pretty lame thing to do, but whatever. Now, if you are "cool" with that deal then I don't see how you expect to resolve anything by having casual sex with your ex girlfriend. That is like starting a whole new thread.

Why open up one can of worms for another? It almost seems as if you are trying to act like the typical guy who has no emotions and wants to be in control role. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I was cool with it, but she totally was not. And then she opened up and told me the whole deal about wanting to be back together and she made a mistake yada yada.

Then I think you know maybe she was confused those past few weeks back and forht, and now she finally know sshe really wants to be with me.

You've been going along with the program so far, why stop now?

Because I believed that she really wanted me back, and she said if I didn't call her thur she would have tried to get a hold of me on Fri. since she already texted me on wed and didn't want to bug me again.

Got to love relationships. Especially with the wrong person. So it's been months since I posted. But basically we got back together. Things were going great. We talked numerous times a day text, phone call, skype (I see it was too much though.)

We hung out pretty much every weekend I picked her up a few times and brought her back to my town, spent days of the weekend with her. She said I love you a lot. Things were going well. Said I was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She asked me to her thanksgiving but I was out of town for that. She talked to me about christmas and spending christmas eve with my/her family.

Well.. the weekend before thanksgiving I was down there for a few days. She started acting weird. She said immediately that she needs some space. We don't need to hang every weekend. She felt as it was just school and me. So I said okay to the space, then the next day she thought I should leave. Well I went to a friend shouse in town because I wasn't going to leave already since I planned all weekend up there. Ended up going back over there and she said it was a bad idea we are hanging out because she was wanting space and we had sex twice but after that she felt as that wouldn't be good either.
Okay. Fine. But then she said I'm in town so its hard not to want me to come over. Confusing.

Finally I left. Out of town for thanksgiving, with the understanding that she wants space, and I told her I do, but we would not see other people.
Thanksgiving eve we talk a little and she still wants space, so I said fine then she said lets revisit in a week. So I told her happy thanksgiving because I wouldn't talk to her the next day.

Few hours later I find that she removed the fb relationship status. She said that we weren't really talking now so she didn't want to have that on there. What a bunch of bs.

Well, the next day she calls me on her way to work. 8am. I sent her a text to email me her thoughts, because she wants space yet contacting me. So in the email we agreed let's give space, AGAIN. What happens? After work, she calls me again, and I'm like I thought w weren't talking. She got mad and said I just called to with you a happy thanksgiving to you and your family. Then got off the phone. I spoke to her again and told her I couldn't do this. I need an answer. I threatened to break up and she said its ironic that she wanted space and here I am wanting to break up (after reading many articles on this site, I see that POWER thing here)

Flipping crazy. Then the next day we talked a little bit. At night she seemed VERY irritated aggravated on the phone. I was confused, she wanted space, we agreed we wouldn't talk for a week, and here she was contacting me. Yes it's my fault for not doing NC. I SHOULD HAVE. But I didn't. Idiot.

She said that she loves me the same but the level of interest wasn't the same. I told her you can't tlel me you love me the same but want space. So either A) you are interested in someone else, or you just don't love me the same. She got mad, yelled at me, and hung up. I called her back and told her she has to stop playing these stupid games. Then she said maybe we should be friends. I said okay. She had to go because she had 'another phone call' and said she would call me back.

I sent her a text, saying I know you aren't going to call me back, but I love you, and I wish the best of luck to you on whatever road you take.

She replied immediately saying best of luck?

I said yes, I want you to be happy, and I accept whatever decision you will make.

A few hours later, she sent me a sweet dreams, I ignored it.
Removed her from Facebook.

Havent' talked to her in a week.

Those of you reading this may see like it's a game. And yes, I agree I take responsibility for some of it. But I guess in the heat of the moment and the way the relationship was going, I just got pulled into it.

I can tell you one thing. DAMN did I learn a lot from this relationship looking back. Asking myself, was I really happy? I mean was I happy at the idea of her, who she was, having someone, how she got along with the family. But did the negativity really outweigh the positives?

Ah, life continues on.

Hey whatsnext- I really think you have to put a fork in this relationship and call it done once and for all.

Sounds to me like she is definitely still in college party mode and I'm sure she's seeing other guys in college. She's young and is just playing games right now.

I know how girls that age are- my last 2 ex'es were 21/22 and they were the same as her. Girls that age don't want to settle down and want to do and meet whoever they want without a guy getting in their way.

Just let her be and start no contact but this time don't give in and get on with your life. You sound like a good guy and you're successful so my advice is find someone your age that has her career and appreciates you more. Good luck!

It sucks looking back on the memories and thinking of what could have been.. Or it's funny how just a week before the breakup you're told that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them.

I haven't spoke to her in, 9 days. I've been fine the past few weeks but then just recently I some saw pics go up on fb (nothing bad) but just like her looking as if she's doing great happy and not regretting her choice. And she removed this necklace I got her that she has worn for so long.

So I sat back today thinking wow I do miss her... but I have done nothing to make contact nor do I plan to. It is just tough.

Oh believe me I know just what you mean. For a while after my break up I'd look back at all our pictures from so many incredible times... I knew I couldn't keep doing that and stopped cold turkey. Yea she told you that you're the best thing that ever happened to her and 3 days before my ex was saying that I have forever with her.

As for FACEBOOK just don't ever look at it again-all it could do is cause you pain. Of course she's happy- she wanted the break up. My ex was very happy after she dumped me. I read her twitter days afterwards and it said "loving life- happiest I've ever been"... that was not easy to read :( I'm sure both of are ex'es don't regret their choice but I've accepted that and you need to also to move on.

Its been almost 4 months and I still miss my ex also. Its going to take a lot of time and patience. It will get better- just very slowly.

Sounds like you're on the right track and were all here for you. I still post on this site whenever I'm down and it helps a lot.

Thanks for the response bjohn.

What bothers me is that you trust someone and they tell you things, only for it to hit you in the face.

Then for me the next time I meet someone I'm on a higher guard because of past experience, then the new person always wonders why I'm uptight or not letting things flow as usual, and well, of course, its because of the past

Yeah it makes sense they are happy as of cousre theyinitiated it. And now I see where people say when girls breakup they actually have been contemplating it and probably just kept you around (or planned to after breakup) until they are over you. For me, I felt the last 4 days I was with her she had me around so it was easier to let go.
Oh well
Her loss.

I just read your original thread on here again and its pretty weird how similar our situations are. You said your girl lived 90 miles away... mine lived 95 miles away!

The only differences being fri-sun & Tues I lived in her house with her & her family and we were engaged. Other than that its very similar situation.

Mine like yours wanted to spend more time with her friends when summer came around because her free time we were always together and also mine like yours left me/cheated on me with a boyfriend from 4 years ago.

You said that yours kept you around for 4 days after the breakup- so did mine! We went to see her family that she never met and it was a 4 day trip and after the trip I never saw her again (except when I had to pick up the ring) So just know you're not alone and its NOTHING you did. I'm sure you put 100% into the relationship just like me.

The difference is I drove to my ex's house probably 100 times and she never drove to mine once. Our ex's were almost the same age and most (not all) girls that age are just going to bounce from guy to guy. Then when they get to 30 or low 30's they start looking for someone to stay with. But they want to go craqzy through there 20's.

All the things your ex said to you near the end is the same things my ex said to me- its weird. Mine was like yours in that she never wanted to have serious conversations either. When I tried talking to her she wouldn't say anything and it just got me more frustrated.

Wow. I just read your post, and you are right we are quite in similar situations. But you are wrong, as I did travel there to visit SO MANY TIMES MORE than she did haha, she probably visited on avg once a month.

You know, I just re-read my post, and totally forgot she broke up with me before in the past, as well as did the space thing before. I did NC back then also. Then she hung with her Ex after she asked me and I told her it would bother me and disrespect me. Why did I miss these clues. Then when we were broken up and space, did she hook up with anyone? I mean now I don't really care if she did, but I guess I would want to know for the benefit of knowing if it was okay for me to put full trust in that person or was I just too blind to see it... and need to kick up my guard next time and not be so easy to trust.

I;m happy this bs relationship is over.Seeing it with the emotions not all at its high, I can see there was no future. It was just a game. I was blindsided at the time, just happy to be in love and all that junk. She's a great girl, very beautiful, great fam, good sex multiple times (well, least the first 4 months ahah), and we got along well.

But what did I learn from this?

1) Never will I date a girl under 25.
2) No more bs long distance relationships. If you don't live 20 miles from me, FWB is all it will be.
3) Space? You want space? No contact, and NEVER attempt to fix it. Walk away. Goodbye.
4) I made her priority, I reorganized my schedule daily life to be with her.
5) I was ALWAYS available. At first not so much, but then after a few months I rarely missed a call or responded to a text longer than an hour. Psh. No more

You learn from mistakes. It may take time. I'm glad there's a site like this. Do I miss her? Yes. I do. But I think it will be great once I find that someone, that is nearby me, that will put as much effort as I did, and the relationship is with ease, and not a burden to keep it moving forward.

Wow. I just read your post, and you are right we are quite in similar situations. but you are wrong, as I did travel there to visit SO MANY TIMES MORE than she did haha, she probably visited on avg once a month.

You know, I just re-read my post, and totally forgot she broke up with me before in the past, as well as did the space thing before. I did NC back then also. Then she hung with her Ex after seh asked me and i told her it would bother me and disrespect me. why did I miss these clues. Then when we were broken up and space, did she hook up with anyone? I mean now I dont really care if she did, but I guess i would want to know for the benefit of knowing if it was okay for me to put full trust in that person or was I just too blind to see it...and need to kick up my guard next time and not be so easy to trust.

I;m happy this bs relationship is over.Seeing it with the emotions not all at its high, I can see there was no future. It was just a game. I was blindsided at the time, just happy to be in love and all that junk. She's a great girl, very beautiful, great fam, good sex multiple times (well, least the first 4 months ahah), and we got along well.

but what did I learn from this?

1) Never will I date a girl under 25.
2) No more bs long distance relationships. If you dont live 20 miles from me, FWB is all it will be.
3) Space? You want space? No contact, and NEVER attempt to fix it. Walk away. goodbye.
4) I made her priority, I reorganized my schedule daily life to be with her.
5) i was ALWAYS available. at first not so much, but then after a few months i rarely missed a call or responded to a text longer than an hour. Psh. No more

You learn from mistakes. It may take time. I'm glad there's a site like this. Do I miss her? Yes. I do. But I think it will be great once I find that someone, that is nearby me, that will put as much effort as I did, and the relationship is with ease, and not a burden to keep it moving forward.

OK but mine never drove to my house once! Not that I minded though- her house was very big and the parents spoiled me so I liked going there.

Yea mine said she wanted to go on break back I May (2 months before she ended it for good) I told her were leaving for our cruise in 4 days and then she didn't know what to say but stayed with me and went on the cruise. I should have known- that was just one of many red flags. Two months before that I saw a text message to her best friend saying that I was like a monkey on her back that she couldn't get rid of! So obviously me coming there every weekend was starting to pi** her off long before she dumped me.

Oh man so I definitely think our ex'es did the same thing in that they asked for breaks in the middle of the relationship so that they wouldn't feel guilty when thet were cheating on us. I would almost guarantee both our ex'es were cheating at that time. When girls ask for a break or space they're basically breaking up and so girls never break up to be alone so they were doing other guys- almost guaranteed. Yea I hear you about the trust thing- I never could fully trust my ex... she did too many shady things that she always had an excuse for. I always got surprises when I snuck a look at her cell- its not that I have trust issues- she made me be like that. I should have checked her phone a lot more than I did and I could have saved myself some bs.

Same here- part of me is glad the relationship is over and it was just a game to her. I guess I got played but was just too in love to see it. Yea mines family was awesome too- I was so close to them. I mean they let me live there 1/2 the week! Sex was incredible until 1/2 way through the relationship- then I was the one doing most of the initiating so who knows if something was going on with her then (cheating?)

Yea I hear you with the no one under 25 thing- anything under that there's a very good chance it won't work out or if it does they'll end it eventually. Yea I agree about the no more long distance relationship also- its so hard to make it work because there's too many obstacles and not to mention its wayyy to easy for them to cheat and us not to ever find out. Yea when they say they want space or a break NEVER EVER talk to them again- I learned that too now. I made mine priority also and was always available. I was so crazy about her I think I always answered calls and always texted back. Whenever I didn't she'd get mad but I should have played the game more.

Talaniman Rule-When they want space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives, and do your own thing.

Talaniman rule- You came here for help, so don't second guess yourself. Haha.

Hey Tal- how many rules do you have? I'd like to see the whole list haha

I think the worse feeling is when you are trusting someone, and they questioned if you trusted them in the past based on some talks or actions.

Then I look back, and wonder if they did cheat. Not that I can do anything now, but to really learn if what I had was real, and if I was just too silly to realize that certain things that happen were red flags.

It was real to you, and really that's all that matters for now. The rest will come to you when your clear headed and logical, usually way in the future. Funny how that works, but for now look forward, not back. When the emotions are all gone and your into the reality of the now, (the misery, pain, and confusion, no longer stings your soul) Then you can examine what you have gone through.

But I think that's been happening. Because back in sep when we took that break, then broke up. Well when we got back together from that point on until the breakup around thanksgiving. I kind of was seeing things a tad differently. Like, do I see a future. We have no plans. etc.

I guess I wish I could really know if it was real, I felt it was, but now when I look back, and I question a few things.. which I didn't before, but when I read other peoples post and they have ex of cheating for quite some time, it's like, wow.

but i think that's been happening. because back in sep when we took that break, then broke up. well when we got back together from that point on until the breakup around thanksgiving. i kind of was seeing things a tad differently. like, do i see a future. we have no plans. etc.

I guess I wish I could really know if it was real, i felt it was, but now when I look back, and I question a few things.. which i didnt before, but when i read other peoples post and they have ex of cheating for quite some time, it's like, wow.

You know what WN2009 still to this day (and its been 4 months) I question things. You're probably going to for quite some time. Just this morning I started thinking of when my ex may have started cheating (its usually when they don't care if you have sex or not anymore)

I know what you're saying about knowing if its real. Have you ever heard the saying "its better to have loved then never to have loved at all"? You loved her and that's really all that matters. However, in the future keep an eye on her actions to make sure the love is reciprocated.

Did she always seem happy to see you when you first got to her house? Was she in a good mood/happy when you would go places with her? The thing is we could question things for the next 3 years but they won't change anything and it won't help us move on with our lives.

Yeah that's what I was getting at . The reciprocation of love. Was it really a front from her end? Then making sure you're sure of things when you get into another relationship.

She seemed to be happy yeah, till the last few weeks I guess. She loved going places and doing wholesome things.

I looked at her profile pictures of us on fb and she removed them (hahah she's not my friend but I snooped a little). Welp, that's my OK she's not coming back for good.

And she knows I won't make contact. So if she sends me something on christmas, I'm most probably going to ignore it. Or say something like cheaters celebrate christmas? Awesome.

Lol

I'd just ignore any Xmas greetings should they arrive-complete silence is pure gold.

I think what people don't realize with the whole NC thing is that, once/if they do contact you, and the ball is in your court, meaning you don't respond back, it will make you feel better about the situation.

I understand where you're coming from but sometimes them getting in touch,if they ever do, can start the what ifs and the whole false hope thing again.
The beauty of 100
% NC and sticking to it,is that you stop that confusion and you recover more quickly.

Yeah that's what i was getting at . The reciprocation of love. Was it really a front from her end? then making sure you're sure of things when you get into another relationship.

she seemed to be happy yeah, till the last few weeks i guess. she loved going places and doing wholesome things.

i looked at her profile pictures of us on fb and she removed them (hahah shes not my friend but i snooped a little). welp, that's my OK shes not coming back for good.

and she knows i won't make contact. so if she sends me something on christmas, i'm most probably going to ignore it. or say something like cheaters celebrate christmas? awesome.

lol
Not that I'm going to look at my ex's Facebook but how did you see your ex's fb if you're not one of her friends?

My ex's birthday just passed and I never acknowledged it. I still don't know what to do if she sends a "mERRY cHRISTMAS" text- I guess I'll ignore it but it won't be easy. I know the smart thing to do is ignore any Christmas or New Years texts from our ex's but I would still at least like to be friends with my ex- I don't know :confused:

That last line how you said you'll say something like "cheaters celebrate Christmas"- you should send that... guaranteed she'll leave you alone for a long time! The one time I talked to my ex on Yahoo IM I said all kinds of things like that-(telling her once a cheater always a cheater.. etc.)It did make me feel a lot better. She must have denied cheating like 50 times but when a girls a self proclaimed nympho like her and then sex doesn't matter anymore- she had to be getting it from somewhere else.:rolleyes:

I'd say calling the cheater a cheater might make you feel better for a while,but I don't think that feeling lasts very long.
I think a dignified silence is the best policy.

I'd say calling the cheater a cheater might make you feel better for a while,but I don't think that feeling lasts very long.
I think a dignified silence is the best policy.

You're right Amicon- I was wrong in saying he should send it. It really wouldn't do any good except to stir up a big argument. Ex'es are always going to deny cheating anyway so even if you're 99% sure they cheated- if you don't have proof- accusing them won't get you anywhere I realized

John,

If you click on her profile (say from a friends) FB is stupid and tried to introduce new privacy settings. Well. Now anyone can see your profile pictures, regardless if your friend or not. You have to explicity put them on your block list to disable that. I think.

Yeah, I've decided no contact. I've been doing awesome actually. I don't really miss her. Now I think I missed the concept of her, but too many things that would have prevented anything major from happening between us in the next 2 years. So we would have hit a plateau, or maybe she saw we did and didn't want to go any further so poof, she's off.

Ill always assume/live with the fact that she cheated on me. Not that it's the easy way out, nor will I ever find out, but my gut feeling says this is why.

Hey man, I'm glad to hear you're doing better. So how long has it been that you two have been broken up?

Your situation is probably the most similar to mine on this whols site being the fact our ex'es were 90 miles away and they both were cheating on us and they both went back to ex'es from 4 years ago.

I'll also always assume/live with the fact she was cheating on me. The thing that gets me so mad is I don't know how long she was cheating on me and with how many different guys. I would assume at least 2 or 3 guys and I'm thinking 3-5 months she was cheating. She told me when we met she cheated on her last boyfriend for the last 6 months of their relationship!

Anyway the only thing I struggle with is if I should tell her I know she was cheating just because I get so mad when I think of how I treated her like gold and she would do that behind my back.

I'll know for next time that as soon as a girl becomes a little distant or doesn't care if you have sex with them or not- then they're probably cheating.

We broke up just before thanksgiving.

Now we broke before around sep, so I think ever since then I deep inside didn't feel the same.. like was expecting it to end, or her to mess up somehow.

I mean I don't know if she cheated, its hard to say if I suspect it, but eh. When I was always with her and talked to her so much its hard to see when she could cheat lol..

She texted me. The message was thanking me for helping her with this class over the semester, as she did extremely well in it.

I, deleted the message. Lol. Maybe that was her I feel bad message to me.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-do-get-her-attention-what-she-thinkin-421743.html

Let this go guy, as its getting really confusing going back and forth with two open posts about two different people. If your not ready to let go of the ex, and end this chapter, why run after other girls??

Wait. Talanman.

In what way did I give the message I still had feelings for or was hoping this X girl would come back.. When she texted me I simply deleted it, no feelings.

Then lets close this thread as you have moved on, and there is no further need for advice or input.

Lol okay.. but I didn't realize threads got closed..

You are pursuing another girl now so what would be the point of revisiting the ex again? Don't worry as threads can be closed, they can be opened and merged if need be.