We are 37. We were a couple as teens, drifted apart at 19 and found our way back 2 1/2 years ago. BUT he was incarcerated so we were forced to build our relationship over the phone, through mail and through weekend visits where we sat together, held hands, played games, ate together.. talked and talked and talked. He was released just the first of March this year. We live together, spend all of our time together and for all purposes appear to be in love. The problem: I feel like he doesn't desire me. He will have sex with me but it's quick and impersonal. I have talked at length with him about it, but he always has reasons and I am just left feeling insecure and empty. During our years apart he lived fast and crazy and slept around. I lived exactly the opposite having only a total of two partners all of that time. At first he said he wanted to be tested for everything because he was terrified to hurt me which was a big turn off for him. OK> tests are all clear, but here we are. I could be giving him oral sex and in the middle he just loses interest. Or even when we are being intimate working up to sex then it just fizzles out. This all really hurts me and I am lost as to how to proceed.? He doesn't touch me sexually. Sex is once every week or two. We snuggle then he will get hard.. I will touch him OR not then he will jump up, grab a condom and then it's over. He gets up right away after and goes to the bathroom. This is killing me. I feel NO intimacy. I don't feel desired or wanted, but he makes me feel loved in all the other ways? Please help. Obviously there is way more to this, but I've already written a book here.

I hate to bring up what may seem obvious to only me hun but is it possible that he may have been subjected to something really bad while incarcerated? He may be afraid to talk to you about it fearing you wouldn't feel the same after he opens up and tells you. The other possibility is after being incarcerated for so long maybe physical touch is hard for him to deal with.. either way it sounds like he may need someone to open up and talk to. Would he be open to speaking to a counselor or therapist of some sort? I wish you luck it sounds like you really love him a lot and I'm sure it hurts feeling distant in these areas.

I see two people that might be good friends... but make horrible lovers... whatever his issues are... it shows you are both incompatible... he does need counseling... but I see nothing but pain and heartache in it for you if you stay with him.

I wondered about something happening to him too and have asked him and talked about it all along. He is 6'7 240lbs> Very fit and fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) very well connected on the inside. I can never know for sure, but doubt anything happened. As far as you thinking the time isolated from love and human touch could have affected him... I agree somewhat with that. He is very affectionate. Holds my hand all the time always opens doors for me, is sure to walk on the traffic side of the sidewalk if we are out. He insists on holding me every night while we sleep and if he wakes up, he re-snuggles. But sadly, I fear that maybe.. even though he says otherwise... maybe he doesn't feel the way he needs to for us to be a forever couple. How long can I feel like something major is missing and feel so low? It makes me feel insecure and undesirable. Ugh. After all those years apart then all the anticipation over the last 2 years.. seems like we would be hard to keep off one another.. but NOPE. Sigh.. OK, well thank you for your thoughts and if you have any other, please share them. :(

Would he be willing to see a counselor with you? Maybe he needs to learn how to take his time and actually "make love"... otherwise, I've seen too many posts from women on here who are desperately unhappy with their husband/partner's love-making to suggest you just tough it out with him. It's a very important part of a relationship. Good luck.

But sadly, i fear that maybe .. even though he says otherwise... maybe he doesn't feel the way he needs to for us to be a forever couple. How long can I feel like something major is missing and feel so low? It makes me feel insecure and undesireable. ugh. after all those years apart then all the anticipation over the last 2 years.. seems like we would be hard to keep off one another.. :(

Have you said this to him? Shared exactly this with him? If not.. then why? What keeps you from having this talk if you haven't already? I think there has to be more to it if he's as affectionate and loving as you say.. hmm see my hubby and I were and are very close we met when I was 16 and we married at 18.. we talked about everything, I didn't find out he was sexually abused by a much older brother when he was a kid till I was pregnant with my 2nd child! He's a big manly guy and he didn't want me to see him in any other light. I'm glad we did because it helps me to see why there was so much resentment towards his brother and why he always fought with his mom about introducing me and our kids to him. Anyway what I hope you can sit down and be very open with him about how you are feeling it just may save your relationship. *big hugs* Good luck to you and let us know how it goes!

Thanks for answering back you guys. Well, I have brought this up to him on several occasions, but he always has answers for it such as: 1. I don't want to risk hurting you (the whole STD thing previously, but now has been tested and is clean of everything) 2. I don't know or understand how I just lose interest in the middle. 3. It's not anything about you, it's some malfunction about me. 4. Why can't you just be happy with our lovemaking? Anyway, he just says stuff like this and when we talk about it I feel like a jerk for bringing it up like I am some sex freak or something. Well, it's FREAKING weird to me that he doesn't fondle me or rub me or barely kiss me intimately. Or when he happens to kiss me deeply (very rare) and this goes on for a few minutes and then.. nothing..? I feel bad saying that I am not satisfied, but I feel like we are two people having sex rather than two people making love and it bothers me a LOT. I know he is not physically attracted to me. He admits he is very shallow and wants me to lose weight. I did weigh 240 then went to 160, but since he has been out (5 months) I have gained 25 pounds. It's because I am SAD and I know the weight is an issue for us, but if you really love someone.. really love them.. why does this matter so much? I'm not privy to a man's true way of thinking, but does it really matter if the woman going down on you is 100 pounds or 180 pounds? Sorry, now I am rambling. I am hurt and confused and am afraid to face the possibility of this not working out. BUT in all honesty I would rather be alone than with someone that possibly sees me as not good enough. He says, "you're not THAT fat and you have so much more to offer than those dumb skinny girls at the gym." <~ I think that was SUPPOSED to be a compliment?. ugh...

2. I don't know or understand how I just lose interest in the middle. 3. It's not anything about you, it's some malfunction about me.

Hmm does he have physical issues as far as being able to keep an erection maybe?


I know he is not physically attracted to me. He admits he is very shallow and wants me to lose weight. I did weigh 240 then went to 160, but since he has been out (5 months) I have gained 25 pounds. It's because I am SAD and I know the weight is an issue for us, but if you really love someone.. really love them.. why does this matter so much?

It shouldn't matter to a certain extent.. lets face it we do though want to see our loved ones happy and healthy.. but yeah changing for someone else hun that's just not healthy. He should love you for who you are and the fact you lost so much already! Good for you. I still think there's something missing and I hate to ask again but would he attend some type of couples counseling? I know several pastors and such will do it for free whether you attend church or not.


I am hurt and confused and am afraid to face the possibility of this not working out. BUT in all honesty I would rather be alone than with someone that possibly sees me as not good enough. He says, "you're not THAT fat and you have so much more to offer than those dumb skinny girls at the gym." <~ I think that was SUPPOSED to be a compliment?. ugh...

Lol yes some men aren't very tactful with compliments but I do believe he was letting you know he appreciates you. Maybe this all boils down to you two lived out this fantasy A lot over the phone and such and now real life hits you and maybe he's just not that into sex and you are and it may be something you have to deal with. I suggest you focus on some more positive things and friends in your life so you don't feel so overwhelmed and then try to think it out more clearly once you feel better... I think that it's hard when you are "with" someone in a long distance or relationship like you two had and most of the contact is through phone, email, or letters. I know because my hubby was in the marines.. then all of the sudden those barriers are gone and you're like OH! This is still work and I had a lot of romanticized ideas that just aren't being met by my expectations. It was hard for me to go through as well. I realize I may be way off so please ignore this if I am. I really hope you two are able to work things out but I'm really concerned with you being so sad and I hope you have some outlets back home to have some carefree times with your friends and relax a little. Good luck sweety! :)

I totally understand that you feel disappointed and rejected by his lack of interest in you sexually.

But, I think that one of the things that happens in a situation like this (particularly with a man) is that the more you talk about it and make an issue of it, the more they withdraw from thinking about it or doing anything about it.

What you describe is someone that is not interested in sex as intimacy. It seems he can do the affection and hand holding thing, but he can't connect at a sexual level. I would suggest that this is his pattern, as you mentioned that he's had a fast and crazy previous sex life with random women.

He may never be able to connect with you the way that you so much desire. You need to decide how much effort you want to put into this relationship. Yes, you can go to counseling, and yes you can continue to talk about it, but to what end?

I would try really hard not to take this personally, as I suspect that it's probably not about you but about him. I also suspect that the more you try to expose the issue with him, the further he will retreat into his shell.

Well, I'm not a shallow type and honestly a big difference in weight does matter to me. But that's not what his problem is... its way deeper.

And by that I mean he has issues... possible several issues. And depending on how long he was in jail... he likely played Butt Pirate while he was there... either voluntarily, or by force.

I'm not saying he is a bad person... but its obvious you have a major difference in both your libido and your affection. And that is no small chasm to bridge. I'd save time and heartache by being his friend... but not his lover and find a compatible boyfriend.

Thanks for the advice. I see some truth in all of your answers. I believe he has issues making love because he did live so long just having sex. We were together from ages 14-19 and we did make love and lived together @ 16 so he has some experience of what it's supposed to be like. I think we did build up this idea of how things would be and they have fallen flat. No, he doesn't have a problem keeping an erection. He won't see a therapist because he thinks "we DO have sex, so what's the problem?" I think he WANTS to have those lust type feelings for me, but you can't MAKE that feeling happen. A few months ago he asked me, "YOu know how sometimes you see me a certain way and get all like "I just got to have that?" Well, I don't ever get like that.....We have talked about this previously at length and as much as I want to talk to him about it..I do think harping on it will only make him retreat more. I suppose it's time for me to decide what I can handle and either decide to be happy and satisfied or move on.
Case in point: This morning his boss called and said they were starting 90 minutes late so we were awake in bed as I had already served his breakfast there like every work morning. He wanted me to lay on his chest as usual so I did. He took my hand and put it in his boxers (common).. then after messing with him some he pushed my hand away and said, "go to sleep." (also common..or he'll turn over and say he's hot.. we live in AZ, it IS hot) anyway, I stayed on his chest, just removed my hand. He asked if I was angry and I said, "no".. and I meant it. I was just a little heart sick as I lay there staring into the darkness confused. A few minutes later I turned over and he spooned me and then asked if I wanted to do it cause he is hard?.. I said, "nah, I'm OK." and I squeezed his arm to reassure him. So, then he is all rubbing against me and I said, "If you want to play games, play them with yourself." He said, "I want to play with you." and he persisted rubbing himself against me and I continued to deny him, but then he got a condom and did it with me laying there on my belly. Afterward, I asked him why me saying NO means nothing and when he says NO that it means NO? He smiled and said, "cause I'm the dominator!".. AHHHHH I am LOST!! And BTW it's very hard for me to deny him even though I want to so he can see how it feels, but I can't because I want so much to feel that with him.
Sorry to be so graphic and I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I need someone to get what is going on here? He likes how aggressive I am and also likes that I take control so what does that little quip even mean?
The thought of letting him go and imagining someone else wrapped up in his hug makes me sick to the point of almost vomiting.

we live in AZ, it IS hot

I do too lol and yes AZ heat is smothering at times! It's just my observation but the whole not listening when you say no and that seeming to turn him on I'd say yes there's some issues there. I agree you can't constantly harp on him about counseling and I really think you've so far tried all you can so it definitely seems like you have to make some choices hun. I really wish you luck I'm sure you're going through a lot so be sure to surround yourself with support (friends/family).

A few months ago he asked me, "YOu know how sometimes you see me a certain way and get all like "I just gotta have that?" Well, I don't ever get like that.....

This disturbs me. It seems to me he's telling you he's not as into you as you are him.


Afterward, I asked him why me saying NO means nothing and when he says NO that it means NO? He smiled and said, "cause i'm the dominator!"..



He's playing games. If he can't dredge up some passion and love during sex, maybe you should rethink the relationship, as heart-breaking as that may be.

Please try to tell him that seeing a counselor isn't about the frequency of the sex, or the act of sex... it's about the lack of love, desire or feeling that should be accompanying it. Every couple has just "sex" once in a while... when time is short, etc. but mostly there is an emotional component to sex between partners, a real lust and affection for the other person.

Emotionally, what was he like when you were young? Was he different in bed? Was there feeling?

I hope things work out for you...

He was passionate when we were younger and I don't just mean more frequent.. he would touch me and kiss me and FEEL me and we were so in tune and into one another and now it's SEX.. that's it. If we are touching each other on the rare occasion that it does happen.. right when it starts to get a tiny bit heated he either shuts it down or goes for a condom.. I have said, "slow down.. let's just BE and enjoy this" but he insists and then.. done.. Thank you all for your advice and your good wishes. I am going to figure this out or let it go.. I'll get back and let you know the outcome. Oh yeah.. and I agree.. that comment made me think he is not SO into me as well..

Sounds to me like he was forced to play catcher in jail ( think about that a little) so many times that he needs to call all the shots now he is out.

Get away from this guy... he isn't going to change, in fact he sees absolutely nothing wrong with anything he does. Like I said... there will only be heartache here.

Against my better judgement and yours, I answered him with a question when he came home and asked me what was wrong. I asked, "Would you see a therapist with me about our sex life." He said, "No!" I inquired why he wouldn't to where he answered, "Are you trying to ruin it?" I said, "No. of course not." Then he said/asked, "then what the F?, why can't you just leave it alone?" I retreated into silence for awhile then asked, "Is this the relationship you want? One where I am afraid to say how I feel or open up to you for fear of you getting mad because I need to feel like I can't come to you when something is bothering me." He said, "no." Then that was it. Nothing more. He never asked me why I thought we needed therapy or what was on my mind. Nothing. I might give it another go in awhile cause at this point I think there's really nothing to lose. I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Ok, so I talked to him later on that same night and I felt like we got somewhere. He got angry at first and I realized I was really hurting his ego, but he needed to get past that and really hear me. I explained how it all made me feel and told him I wasn't willing to be in a relationship where I felt so disconnected and for me to feel connected there needed to be more intimacy (I described what I wanted/needed), not just sex. He said he was completely happy with our sex life, but since I wasn't then obviously he wasn't doing his job right and needed to figure it out. We talked about his past sexual experiences and he admitted that since we were younger and living together, he had not had anything with anyone that meant more to him than something casual. He had cared about a couple of people but they both cheated on him so it ended badly and he just never cared to put more effort in until finally just "getting off" became normal for him. The sexual experience I described here between him and I seems to be the norm for him and he says he really didn't know I wasn't happy. As far as him losing interest mid way... his testosterone is 2 points below the lowest that is considered OK.. He is scheduled for injections every 2 weeks for three months to try and get that number up. We will see if that helps.
So then, where I am at is here: He loves me and I have no doubt about that. He truly doesn't get what making love is and if he is willing to try then I am willing to be patient. I won't wait forever, but for all of the history we share, for all of the time, energy and hope that was put into this working out over the past 2 years and for the sake of me being able to look myself in the mirror and KNOW I did all I could to save it.. I will give it some time and see if he puts forth the effort. Because even if it's sloppy and not exactly how I imagine it.. if he tries and works at it then he is loving me and really, that's what this is all about.
Thanks to everyone who commented/gave advice.. this really helped me talking this all out on here. Be well!