Shelly07
Aug 9, 2009, 12:14 PM
My reason of writing this is to 1. actually put it on paper to try to view it objectively, 2. to see if anyone else has been where I am. I’m so confused about marriage. I’m not even as confused about my husband, as I am at this point about myself. His actions are very clear, I just don’t understand why I cannot see this clearly.
We’ve been married 2 years. We did the long-distance thing, then just got married. He did not propose, we just discussed it to that point. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t run back then—no proposal? It may not be a big thing to some, but I was that naďve girl who thought occasionally about what my “future husband” would think just for me. My husband did not do that, and I just went with it. I convinced myself it wasn’t that important anyway.
The wedding. I cried on my wedding night. We did not sleep together, rather we had a huge fight. The reason being? He was insistent on inviting some of his family members who have clearly disrespected me. He also had been lying to me, because I naturally expected him to have handled the situation. Some of his family have been very disrespectful toward me, saying some harsh things about/to me. My then-fiance told me he had spoken with them about it and that he avoided them. I came to find out that he did not change a thing, and simply fed me something to keep me quiet. I, to this day, still find that really un-honorable. The entire duration of our relationship, he was focused on himself. His relationship with his family, HIS need to have a little independence (since I caught him speaking on the phone many late nights with a “strictly platonic” female friend. The same girl who had downright made up lies about me and told him. He went out of his way to delete all of their conversations he had on his Blackberry. I found it, he lied until he was caught).
The marriage. He moved from California to New York because I’m still in school. I had 2 years left, and he has made it clear to me he would work full time as I attended school full time. Well it turns out that he had lied about finding work, resorted to spending all of our wedding money, borrowing over $40,000 from his parents without telling me (whereas I am assuming we have a steady income, and am living accordingly). I trusted him, when he said he wanted to be in charge of finances/etc. I have asked him many times to let me see his pay stubs, and he went out of his way to hide it from me. We went to a marriage councilor about this, and although it was helping me in the process, he flaked the guy for a payment and we BOTH are now being sued to pay the fee, along w/extra.
The thing is, that he was working for someone who, when the recession came, cut his salary by well, ALL. He did not discuss any of this with me. He stayed on a solely commission basis, which was generating zero. Basically, he was not getting paid for getting dressed and going to his “office” every day. He borrowed from his dad to cover all costs and keep from letting me know the truth. He lied about paying rent, and now I am being sued for non-payment of rent. When he finally fessed up, after getting caught of course, we had to move back in with my parents because once I was aware we had zero income, we’d be downright stupid to continue paying rent. He has been chasing a dream this whole time, because he was told from his “boss” (whom never paid him) that they would cash in on some “lucrative” deals –they’re in the finance business. This guy, my husband, has been played. He has never gotten paid, and is still on this hope that with minimum work, one can succeed. It doesn’t work like that.
The sex life. Boring. Has been stagnant from a very early stage, because he always was not sexual enough. He did not step outside of the box and even make me feel as if he was interested, really. I just went with it because, again, it wasn't really that important.. So after about a year and half of marriage, I noticed he’d always log into his work computer (remotely, from home). He’d say he’s working. I got into his work computer, and saw about 11-12 various porn videos on his computer. Numerous images. It broke my heart. He was into every sexual thing you can imagine, but never even considered trying any of it, or even opening up about it to me. Then I saw he had Google searched, “Sexy Indian girls” when, I always have thought of myself as one? One time casually, a family friend of ours was mentioning how there’s a particular Indian girl who’s a porn star & how that’s pretty ty, my husband kept the name in mind. He Google searched her, downloaded many videos of just her, and even had images. He would sit there, on his work computer, alone in their make-shift “office” and look at this. Random times of the day. He would look before he came home to me. He says it was because of a lot of pressure at work and sexual pressure from me, that he needed to get into a “sexual mood” before coming home. I think that’s ridiculous. That hurt me so bad, I still feel disgusting myself.
The final straw. While we were living at home, he did not have a job. He lied to me, my family, and his family and said he got a job at a reputable firm. He studied for some exams, and claims he passed. I have dropped him off at this office, and even made sure to get pay stubs and deposit them myself. He literally woke up every day, got dressed for "work", got onto the train, then hung around all day "looking for work". After about a week, he stopped getting pay stubs and said it was direct deposited, so I can check. I noticed a steady income coming in, and we started looking for apartments to move into. I myself, started getting my resume out there so I can pay my own way, and start saving already. I had a private bank account, which he was completely aware of. I had an accident and had a settlement. I never touched it for personal use, because I’m concerned about surgery in the future. Well, I came to find out, that he had been taking money out of MY account and putting it into ours. He WAS NOT WORKING. All those “direct deposits” I saw on the statement of our joint account, was him putting MY money in there to, once again, deceive me. He did. He wrote checks out of my checkbook, forged the signature, then went to cash them. All before depositing a specific amount every 2 weeks, to make me the fool to believe his "job" is directly depositing his paycheck. At that point, my parents told him to leave at my request. I was not able to deal with this, not during a heavy summer class. He has been there, back at his parents’ house, for about 3 weeks now. I think it’s absurd that he has not clearly spoken to me. So far, I hear lame excuses for why he felt he had to go there. Every time I hear them, I want to hang up… which is why I don’t care to bother speaking to him at all. I’m so hurt, pissed, frustrated, but most of all confused. What on earth is it about this person that I would even consider having him in my life?
The thing is, I have not been a perfect wife. I do see my wrongs clearly, and am learning from them. I was sometimes demanding, sometimes tyrannical. I have belittled him, and looking back I was a fool for it because it only shows my own lack of control over myself. I was angry at the scope of my career, and how I feel repressed for not "working" or whatnot. But he was not a help to me. I feel like we have zero communication, and whenever I try to talk it's like speaking to a wall. I get no genuine response, rather just agreeing with whatever I say. He doesn't speak up, but I feel it's because he doesn't feel I'm worth the effort. To be honest. All of the things he's lied about, it's taken such a toll on me. I don't feel like myself anymore, I feel as if I lost touch with myself. This person has drained so much energy from me, I seriously question why I still am fearful of being without him. It's not so much a fear of being without him, but without anyone. I just know I don't want to spend my life with someone who is capable of so much deceit. It just goes against my grain, and I'm so mad at myself for allowing it to get this way. I hope someone can relate, or at least give some input..
We’ve been married 2 years. We did the long-distance thing, then just got married. He did not propose, we just discussed it to that point. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t run back then—no proposal? It may not be a big thing to some, but I was that naďve girl who thought occasionally about what my “future husband” would think just for me. My husband did not do that, and I just went with it. I convinced myself it wasn’t that important anyway.
The wedding. I cried on my wedding night. We did not sleep together, rather we had a huge fight. The reason being? He was insistent on inviting some of his family members who have clearly disrespected me. He also had been lying to me, because I naturally expected him to have handled the situation. Some of his family have been very disrespectful toward me, saying some harsh things about/to me. My then-fiance told me he had spoken with them about it and that he avoided them. I came to find out that he did not change a thing, and simply fed me something to keep me quiet. I, to this day, still find that really un-honorable. The entire duration of our relationship, he was focused on himself. His relationship with his family, HIS need to have a little independence (since I caught him speaking on the phone many late nights with a “strictly platonic” female friend. The same girl who had downright made up lies about me and told him. He went out of his way to delete all of their conversations he had on his Blackberry. I found it, he lied until he was caught).
The marriage. He moved from California to New York because I’m still in school. I had 2 years left, and he has made it clear to me he would work full time as I attended school full time. Well it turns out that he had lied about finding work, resorted to spending all of our wedding money, borrowing over $40,000 from his parents without telling me (whereas I am assuming we have a steady income, and am living accordingly). I trusted him, when he said he wanted to be in charge of finances/etc. I have asked him many times to let me see his pay stubs, and he went out of his way to hide it from me. We went to a marriage councilor about this, and although it was helping me in the process, he flaked the guy for a payment and we BOTH are now being sued to pay the fee, along w/extra.
The thing is, that he was working for someone who, when the recession came, cut his salary by well, ALL. He did not discuss any of this with me. He stayed on a solely commission basis, which was generating zero. Basically, he was not getting paid for getting dressed and going to his “office” every day. He borrowed from his dad to cover all costs and keep from letting me know the truth. He lied about paying rent, and now I am being sued for non-payment of rent. When he finally fessed up, after getting caught of course, we had to move back in with my parents because once I was aware we had zero income, we’d be downright stupid to continue paying rent. He has been chasing a dream this whole time, because he was told from his “boss” (whom never paid him) that they would cash in on some “lucrative” deals –they’re in the finance business. This guy, my husband, has been played. He has never gotten paid, and is still on this hope that with minimum work, one can succeed. It doesn’t work like that.
The sex life. Boring. Has been stagnant from a very early stage, because he always was not sexual enough. He did not step outside of the box and even make me feel as if he was interested, really. I just went with it because, again, it wasn't really that important.. So after about a year and half of marriage, I noticed he’d always log into his work computer (remotely, from home). He’d say he’s working. I got into his work computer, and saw about 11-12 various porn videos on his computer. Numerous images. It broke my heart. He was into every sexual thing you can imagine, but never even considered trying any of it, or even opening up about it to me. Then I saw he had Google searched, “Sexy Indian girls” when, I always have thought of myself as one? One time casually, a family friend of ours was mentioning how there’s a particular Indian girl who’s a porn star & how that’s pretty ty, my husband kept the name in mind. He Google searched her, downloaded many videos of just her, and even had images. He would sit there, on his work computer, alone in their make-shift “office” and look at this. Random times of the day. He would look before he came home to me. He says it was because of a lot of pressure at work and sexual pressure from me, that he needed to get into a “sexual mood” before coming home. I think that’s ridiculous. That hurt me so bad, I still feel disgusting myself.
The final straw. While we were living at home, he did not have a job. He lied to me, my family, and his family and said he got a job at a reputable firm. He studied for some exams, and claims he passed. I have dropped him off at this office, and even made sure to get pay stubs and deposit them myself. He literally woke up every day, got dressed for "work", got onto the train, then hung around all day "looking for work". After about a week, he stopped getting pay stubs and said it was direct deposited, so I can check. I noticed a steady income coming in, and we started looking for apartments to move into. I myself, started getting my resume out there so I can pay my own way, and start saving already. I had a private bank account, which he was completely aware of. I had an accident and had a settlement. I never touched it for personal use, because I’m concerned about surgery in the future. Well, I came to find out, that he had been taking money out of MY account and putting it into ours. He WAS NOT WORKING. All those “direct deposits” I saw on the statement of our joint account, was him putting MY money in there to, once again, deceive me. He did. He wrote checks out of my checkbook, forged the signature, then went to cash them. All before depositing a specific amount every 2 weeks, to make me the fool to believe his "job" is directly depositing his paycheck. At that point, my parents told him to leave at my request. I was not able to deal with this, not during a heavy summer class. He has been there, back at his parents’ house, for about 3 weeks now. I think it’s absurd that he has not clearly spoken to me. So far, I hear lame excuses for why he felt he had to go there. Every time I hear them, I want to hang up… which is why I don’t care to bother speaking to him at all. I’m so hurt, pissed, frustrated, but most of all confused. What on earth is it about this person that I would even consider having him in my life?
The thing is, I have not been a perfect wife. I do see my wrongs clearly, and am learning from them. I was sometimes demanding, sometimes tyrannical. I have belittled him, and looking back I was a fool for it because it only shows my own lack of control over myself. I was angry at the scope of my career, and how I feel repressed for not "working" or whatnot. But he was not a help to me. I feel like we have zero communication, and whenever I try to talk it's like speaking to a wall. I get no genuine response, rather just agreeing with whatever I say. He doesn't speak up, but I feel it's because he doesn't feel I'm worth the effort. To be honest. All of the things he's lied about, it's taken such a toll on me. I don't feel like myself anymore, I feel as if I lost touch with myself. This person has drained so much energy from me, I seriously question why I still am fearful of being without him. It's not so much a fear of being without him, but without anyone. I just know I don't want to spend my life with someone who is capable of so much deceit. It just goes against my grain, and I'm so mad at myself for allowing it to get this way. I hope someone can relate, or at least give some input..