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View Full Version : Questioning my marriage. Pretty long, but I need imput.


Shelly07
Aug 9, 2009, 12:14 PM
My reason of writing this is to 1. actually put it on paper to try to view it objectively, 2. to see if anyone else has been where I am. I’m so confused about marriage. I’m not even as confused about my husband, as I am at this point about myself. His actions are very clear, I just don’t understand why I cannot see this clearly.

We’ve been married 2 years. We did the long-distance thing, then just got married. He did not propose, we just discussed it to that point. Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t run back then—no proposal? It may not be a big thing to some, but I was that naďve girl who thought occasionally about what my “future husband” would think just for me. My husband did not do that, and I just went with it. I convinced myself it wasn’t that important anyway.

The wedding. I cried on my wedding night. We did not sleep together, rather we had a huge fight. The reason being? He was insistent on inviting some of his family members who have clearly disrespected me. He also had been lying to me, because I naturally expected him to have handled the situation. Some of his family have been very disrespectful toward me, saying some harsh things about/to me. My then-fiance told me he had spoken with them about it and that he avoided them. I came to find out that he did not change a thing, and simply fed me something to keep me quiet. I, to this day, still find that really un-honorable. The entire duration of our relationship, he was focused on himself. His relationship with his family, HIS need to have a little independence (since I caught him speaking on the phone many late nights with a “strictly platonic” female friend. The same girl who had downright made up lies about me and told him. He went out of his way to delete all of their conversations he had on his Blackberry. I found it, he lied until he was caught).

The marriage. He moved from California to New York because I’m still in school. I had 2 years left, and he has made it clear to me he would work full time as I attended school full time. Well it turns out that he had lied about finding work, resorted to spending all of our wedding money, borrowing over $40,000 from his parents without telling me (whereas I am assuming we have a steady income, and am living accordingly). I trusted him, when he said he wanted to be in charge of finances/etc. I have asked him many times to let me see his pay stubs, and he went out of his way to hide it from me. We went to a marriage councilor about this, and although it was helping me in the process, he flaked the guy for a payment and we BOTH are now being sued to pay the fee, along w/extra.
The thing is, that he was working for someone who, when the recession came, cut his salary by well, ALL. He did not discuss any of this with me. He stayed on a solely commission basis, which was generating zero. Basically, he was not getting paid for getting dressed and going to his “office” every day. He borrowed from his dad to cover all costs and keep from letting me know the truth. He lied about paying rent, and now I am being sued for non-payment of rent. When he finally fessed up, after getting caught of course, we had to move back in with my parents because once I was aware we had zero income, we’d be downright stupid to continue paying rent. He has been chasing a dream this whole time, because he was told from his “boss” (whom never paid him) that they would cash in on some “lucrative” deals –they’re in the finance business. This guy, my husband, has been played. He has never gotten paid, and is still on this hope that with minimum work, one can succeed. It doesn’t work like that.

The sex life. Boring. Has been stagnant from a very early stage, because he always was not sexual enough. He did not step outside of the box and even make me feel as if he was interested, really. I just went with it because, again, it wasn't really that important.. So after about a year and half of marriage, I noticed he’d always log into his work computer (remotely, from home). He’d say he’s working. I got into his work computer, and saw about 11-12 various porn videos on his computer. Numerous images. It broke my heart. He was into every sexual thing you can imagine, but never even considered trying any of it, or even opening up about it to me. Then I saw he had Google searched, “Sexy Indian girls” when, I always have thought of myself as one? One time casually, a family friend of ours was mentioning how there’s a particular Indian girl who’s a porn star & how that’s pretty ty, my husband kept the name in mind. He Google searched her, downloaded many videos of just her, and even had images. He would sit there, on his work computer, alone in their make-shift “office” and look at this. Random times of the day. He would look before he came home to me. He says it was because of a lot of pressure at work and sexual pressure from me, that he needed to get into a “sexual mood” before coming home. I think that’s ridiculous. That hurt me so bad, I still feel disgusting myself.

The final straw. While we were living at home, he did not have a job. He lied to me, my family, and his family and said he got a job at a reputable firm. He studied for some exams, and claims he passed. I have dropped him off at this office, and even made sure to get pay stubs and deposit them myself. He literally woke up every day, got dressed for "work", got onto the train, then hung around all day "looking for work". After about a week, he stopped getting pay stubs and said it was direct deposited, so I can check. I noticed a steady income coming in, and we started looking for apartments to move into. I myself, started getting my resume out there so I can pay my own way, and start saving already. I had a private bank account, which he was completely aware of. I had an accident and had a settlement. I never touched it for personal use, because I’m concerned about surgery in the future. Well, I came to find out, that he had been taking money out of MY account and putting it into ours. He WAS NOT WORKING. All those “direct deposits” I saw on the statement of our joint account, was him putting MY money in there to, once again, deceive me. He did. He wrote checks out of my checkbook, forged the signature, then went to cash them. All before depositing a specific amount every 2 weeks, to make me the fool to believe his "job" is directly depositing his paycheck. At that point, my parents told him to leave at my request. I was not able to deal with this, not during a heavy summer class. He has been there, back at his parents’ house, for about 3 weeks now. I think it’s absurd that he has not clearly spoken to me. So far, I hear lame excuses for why he felt he had to go there. Every time I hear them, I want to hang up… which is why I don’t care to bother speaking to him at all. I’m so hurt, pissed, frustrated, but most of all confused. What on earth is it about this person that I would even consider having him in my life?

The thing is, I have not been a perfect wife. I do see my wrongs clearly, and am learning from them. I was sometimes demanding, sometimes tyrannical. I have belittled him, and looking back I was a fool for it because it only shows my own lack of control over myself. I was angry at the scope of my career, and how I feel repressed for not "working" or whatnot. But he was not a help to me. I feel like we have zero communication, and whenever I try to talk it's like speaking to a wall. I get no genuine response, rather just agreeing with whatever I say. He doesn't speak up, but I feel it's because he doesn't feel I'm worth the effort. To be honest. All of the things he's lied about, it's taken such a toll on me. I don't feel like myself anymore, I feel as if I lost touch with myself. This person has drained so much energy from me, I seriously question why I still am fearful of being without him. It's not so much a fear of being without him, but without anyone. I just know I don't want to spend my life with someone who is capable of so much deceit. It just goes against my grain, and I'm so mad at myself for allowing it to get this way. I hope someone can relate, or at least give some input..

Shelly07
Aug 9, 2009, 12:24 PM
He has hidden emails, hidden accounts. Everything is so sneaky, nothing has been disclosed. I don't call this a marriage at all. I saw that he has applied for "Quick Cash Now" loans through one of his hidden emails. I saw he had Googled "where to get fake pay stubs" from his work computer, and doing the math, I realize I was a victim of one of those. I feel like he will put so much energy into the shortcut, he doesn't feel he has to work to get there. He lied to his parents about getting a college degree, even went as so far as to create one and show them. He lied to me sooo many times in the past about everything from nonsense to very relevant (finances). He said to me he is in therapy right now, "getting help" for his need to lie, yet that was a lie. He has stolen from me, lied to me, and went out of his way to make sure I would be fooled. Who does that? My concern is why am I even questioning this? A part of me feels like I am walking away from my responsibility to change the negative in myself before I "quit". Or to try all my hardest to make my marriage "work"? But the other part is saying, why should I try any longer? I did try, and was essentially played. Why should I spend the rest of my life with someone who clearly has no regard for me? I'm very confused.

N0help4u
Aug 9, 2009, 12:28 PM
Okay so you see your need for improvement but it doesn't change the fact that he would have done anything different.
He is a scammer and a canivore and you could have been the best wife in the world he still would have done what he did.
Don't think your behavior gives him a pass in pulling off the things he did.

You need to get out and away from the situation entirely and start over restructuring your life to the best of your ability.
Don't look back only learn from your mistakes and move on.

DO not ever believe a word he has to say

You should not continue with him

You are only confused because a part of you doesn't want to admit it is over and you are better off without him

Shelly07
Aug 9, 2009, 02:46 PM
I can't help but feel that if I wasn't the best person I could be, how can I expect the best out of someone else? But then I start to think.. There's things he's done that even at my worst, I simply would not do. I'm emotionally numb at this point. I'm so angry, but still really hurt.

N0help4u
Aug 9, 2009, 02:53 PM
You are looking at it all wrong. You don't make excuses for a deceptive person. It only makes you weaker and an enabler. If you feel you have problems you get away and work on you. You don't feed into their messed up ways and become more dysfunctional yourself.

You need to close this chapter in your life and move on. He will only drag you down and hurt you worse. Why be an open target for his scamming.
When somebody cons you out of your purse do you then open your house and give them everything else??

NO you BREAK the ties and RUN!

Gemini54
Aug 9, 2009, 06:08 PM
Er, and your question is?

You've been a fool - you knew that intuitively at the start, but you needed to amass the hard evidence. You've got it now - in bucket loads. He's a scammer and a cheat and it won't be long before he's living off you and having sex with someone else.

You've chosen someone that reflects back to you your own self hatred and lack of trust and confidence - you've treated him accordingly, and he's treated you badly in return. It was a marriage of convenience because you didn't want to be alone and it's blown up in your face big time.

What exactly are you afraid of? Leaving someone that has used you financially, lied to you, cheated you, offered you nothing emotionally and sexually, has disrespected you and doesn't communicate with you in any way?

Leave him. Get some counseling and find yourself. Develop some self respect. You will only find happiness if you do so - surely it's not rocket science?

Shelly07
Aug 9, 2009, 08:51 PM
I am amazed at how much conflict is in my mind right now. I needed to write this on paper and try to view it objectively, but I keep thinking that he will change. He will grow up eventually, but then the bigger part of me is like "Do you hear yourself?" I just don want to run from such a big commitment I made.

N0help4u
Aug 9, 2009, 08:52 PM
You made a commitment that you need out of.

You will not get anywhere good in this.

Gemini54
Aug 9, 2009, 09:13 PM
I am amazed at how much conflict is in my mind right now. I needed to write this on paper and try to view it objectively, but I keep thinking that he will change. He will grow up eventually, but then the bigger part of me is like "Do you hear yourself?" I just don want to run from such a big commitment I made.

What commitment? You've both used each other and you don't trust him... I don't see a relationship that is worth salvaging here - the marriage isn't worth the paper its written on...

He lied...
He stole...
He cheated and forged your signature...
He deceived...
He clearly doesn't care for you emotionally or sexually...
He's left you.

What planet do you live on? It's a no brainer.

Shelly07
Aug 16, 2009, 11:01 PM
I question if I ever was in love with him. I wasn't even in love with myself and realize how much of a toll this relationship has taken on myself esteem. I feel drained and honestly don't even want to fight for this. He never did.

N0help4u
Aug 16, 2009, 11:11 PM
Move on and get a life for you

sweet1028
Aug 17, 2009, 12:17 AM
This is not in any way your fault. He is not worth your time at all. You are out there trying to make something of yourself by going to college to get a good job meanwhile, he is putting you so far in debt that it's not going to get you anywhere for awhile if you did get a job.

Why would a man who made a commitment to you, do all of these things? It amazes me at how far it will go to lie to you. This is not going to work out, if he will go this far to lie about money, what else is he lying about? Or what else could he lie about?

Jake2008
Aug 17, 2009, 09:00 AM
The first thing I'd like to know is, was this an arranged marriage? Where are you living now, in India?

I think you have been duped by more than his deception. I highly doubt that his parents were not aware of his 'degree'. Surely they would have attended a graduation for such a special event. I think it is possible they made him out to be someone he wasn't, and they are not surprised at all, that he has ended up at home.

I understand where you have doubts, and think that you've contributed to this marriage falling apart by not being kinder, or more understanding of your husband. To tell you the truth, that is also part of the manipulation, if the faults are considered to be partly your fault, for whatever reason, that allows him to continue living the lie.

You cannot second guess yourself here. The facts are what they are. You have a papertrail a mile long, bank records, computer activity etc. You can also be sure that nothing is new. He didn't all of a sudden panic and get overwhelmed by the lies, he just got smarter and more devious. That is not new behaviour, it didn't start when you married him, and it won't stop after you divorce him.

He is the person he was before the wedding. And even if all of a sudden his personality split and he turned into this deceiptful monster, he still had a conscience, and could easily have said many things to you to get himself, and the marriage back on track.

He knew exactly what he was doing. For every day you thought he was going to work, and wasn't, was part of his plan. He fooled you every single day, and he must have been good at it, because he managed to spend a lot of your money without your knowledge or consent, let alone all the other lies he lived with, and kept from you.

It almost seems like getting married was something he had to do. He was at that age, his parents wanted him to move on, get married, have babies etc. He has some serious issues in thinking that he has to prove himself. To his parents, family, you. He has created the person everybody wanted him to be, which is the opposite of who he really is.

It isn't a matter of blame here, on your shoulders. You were sold a bill of goods, and you did not get what you bargained for in good faith. He is a total and complete stranger to you, and he designed it that way.

There is nothing to salvage on a marriage totally based on deceipt. I have a vision of your wedding, and thinking how sad a day that truly was. You had no idea who he was, although likely everybody else did. A celebration occurred, but of what. Passing him from his mother to his new wife?

If there was a disservice here, it started long before he met you, and his parents likely put enough pressure on him and expectations that he could never, in one lifetime, live up to them. I do hope he gets the help he needs to learn how to live an honest life.

It is really important that you stand on your own two feet. It will take a while for all of this to sink in, and please seek counselling. You need to learn how to let go of the relationship, and all the terrible deception you were subject to.

You may have been duped into marrying him, but you are in a position now where you can correct the path you are on, and live a healthier, happier life.

Shelly07
Aug 17, 2009, 07:21 PM
Wow, Jake. You basically said everything I've been thinking. To answer your question, it was not an arranged marriage. It was completely by both of our choice, and we were not pressured (at least I was not on my end) into it. I came to find out today, that he is thinking of finishing up school in California (where his family is from, and where he had began his degree). He has one semester left, and swears it will "make him a man" so when he returns here, he can hold his own and "prove" himself as a husband to me. I'm so bothered by this, as I feel he SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE making up the mess he made. It's been over a month that I found all of this out and we told him to leave. He has not come here once to face me or my family. Every day I gain clarity and realize that he simply doesn't WANT to work this out, because if he did, he clearly would have made efforts by now. He can make the effort to decieve me, but not to fix it? I'm so lost, and feel like I am letting myself down by continuing to fool myself into believing that this can work out. He clearly has no respect for our marriage or for me, and can only see things from HIS perspective or what will benefit HIM the most. Honestly, he has NO BUSINESS even considering going back to school over there. He claims it will only be one semester there, whereas it would take over a year and half transferring somewhere here in NY. My take on it? That school shouuldn't even be a priority right now, rather his marriage should come first. If I ever even considered lying to, cheating on, and stealing from someone (especially my spouse), I wouldn't be able to even fathom considering MY goals/objectives before I fixed the situation. But him? Nope, he truly believes that him going to school over there will change this situation. I am disgusted in him, and irritated at myself for even still thinking this can work out in some way where I will be happy. He has done nothing, shown me nothing, that I can say "at least he is trying here". Nothing.

mominmass
Sep 4, 2009, 09:38 AM
Get out now before you find yourself deeper in debt. Been there, done that- it's not fun. The breaking up part is tough but you have to protect yourself. Get counseling.

talaniman
Sep 4, 2009, 03:15 PM
I think you have enough evidence to gather what you can and run like heck from this whole mess.

Jake2008
Sep 4, 2009, 05:21 PM
It is almost unbelievable isn't it. It is a whole person who is different than the person you thought he was.

I don't know what I would do. I know it's easy to give advice to someone else, but, if I were facing what you were facing right now, I'd be falling apart.

But, you sound strong, and you are letting this all sink in and reflecting on it all, which is what you need to do. I agree with everything you've said, and as more time passes, you'll come into your own, and have the confidence to move on.

All the best of luck to you going through this. I think you're going to be just fine.

Cat1864
Sep 4, 2009, 08:17 PM
This may be a little late, but make it a legal separation at the very least. That way there should be proof that YOU are not responsible for anymore of HIS mess. (Including his lack of self-esteem.) You don't need to carry his baggage or pick up after him anymore. This doesn't have to lead to divorce but it should give you some protection. I would also try make sure that he hasn't left any time bombs set to go off when tax time comes around.

His going back to school ploy is probably going to be costing YOU even more money if you keep things the way they are "now". IF he really is going back.

It is time to talk to him only through a lawyer. At least until he truly is legally paying his own way.

Remember, his manipulations began before the wedding. If you were that much of a "fishwife" before the wedding, then I doubt he would have married you.