A friend of mine started to shun me - even though I'm not exactly sure why.

Last week, I may have made a joking comment about her friend that was offensive, and I thought so, and I apologized immediately.

Then she sent me two emails just talking about regular stuff - of which I didn't respond to, not because they were from her, but because I was extremely busy being immersed in studies and research, etc. Plus she sent me those emails late at night and said, "Oh, I'm going to sleep now" - which is more of a reason why I didn't respond.

Anyway, we usually talk during the end of the week and weekends, and although she was available, lets say - she refused to speak to me.

So I'm wondering, were my actions hurtful in not responding to her emails and the bad joke about her friend? I know it sounds petty, but she also went above and beyond in showing me that she's shunning me - I won't post the long-winded details, but she did.


So I'm wondering, how to treat this situation - we've been close friends for years. She has repeatedly stated that she doesn't want me isolated from her. So I wonder about this contradicting behavior.

When people shun you, does that mean that they're hurt? Or that they're trying to keep themselves esteem? Perhaps she no longer wants me in her circle, not sure. I just thought that she'd explain what's bothering her, instead of just taking the shun road.

If you value her friendship, and it appears you do, or you wouldn't be worried about this 'glitch', you had better pin her down and have an open discussion of the 'whys and wherefores' of this little setback. It could probably be something really minuscule.

Could it be she is just to busy at the present time and you are being too sensitive? She is being too sensitive ? Who knows dincher until you get it all out in the open where it can be dealt with and put to rest.

good luck

tick

I agree with Tickle but if after you have done what you can to save the relationship and she still wants to shun you move on.
If it is real shunning I consider that playing games and you are better off finding new friends.
But it may not be real shunning. She could just need some time and space right now as Tickle said.
So yes ask her to have lunch or something and talk with her about how you value her friendship and all and take it from there.

If she's ignoring you for those small reasons, then this friendship is very fragile.

Keep trying to make attempts to talk things out with her. But if she's going to keep ignoring you, then that's a pretty good sign that she doesn't want to talk to you, in which case you will have to wait for her to contact you.

It might be nothing personal, it might just be that she's busy. Until you talk to her, not much point guessing, because we could go in circles.

Well, she did show me - non verbal - that she made an extra effort to ignore me. Like I said before, we were very close friends, so I'm not sure why this "above and beyond" show.

So my questions - when people shun you, does that mean that they're hurt? Or that they're trying to keep themselves esteem? As a close friend for years, she should tell me what's bothering her instead of just shunning me. I know I'm whinging, but I think it's hurtful and quite honestly, I expected better treatment.

It can mean many things.
that she isn't ready to deal with you
that she wants nothing further to do with you
that she is changing her priorities giving you less thought
that she is hurt
that she is thinks less of you

the only way you can be sure is get her to give you a few minutes of her time face to face to tell her that you value the friendship and to please forgive you for things.

If she still treats you like she can't be bothered then she is shunning you. Then you move on.

Right now you can only guess and trying to guess what others think and feel will only make you go crazy

Stop assuming, and just ask her.

You've hurt her feelings, firstly the nasty comments about her friend, then ignoring 2 emails, OK it may have been late but you could have sent a few words, it wouldn't have taken a moment, but... you were too busy.

Ok you may have been friends for years but it doesn't mean you can ignore her feelings.

Don't let this compound, sort it out.
Phone, go for a coffee, send a card, anything that will clear the air.

Don't wait for her, it's a question of pride and stubbornness on both parts.

Lifes to short for trivial misunderstandings.

Thanks for the answers - we're okay now. :)

Threads merged

What do you do when someone snubs you and you have no idea why? Would you approach them and ask them why, or would you just ignore them until they "come around".

Me personally, I would love to confront them in a nice way and ask why, however, that kind of feeds into the negativity in the sense that I'm exposing the other person's behavior and that in itself can be confrontational, and make the person feel uncomfortable.

However, if I ignore it, then *my* feelings will get hurt in the sense that it sort of builds resentment.

Hi, dincher!

Now, I don't know your particular situation. But, if it was me, in most situations, I would tell them that you're having a problem and that they are the ones that can help you to solve it. That way, it's not so confrontational and makes them feel good because they are the ones who are being recognized and chosen as the helpful ones.

Then, you go on to tell them how you feel, without blaming any one person or group.

This approach can also work with speaking one-on-one with individuals.

Again though, I don't know your specific situation...

Thanks!

Hi, dincher!

Now, I don't know your particular situation. But, if it was me, in most situations, I would tell them that you're having a problem and that they are the ones that can help you to solve it. That way, it's not so confrontational and makes them feel good because they are the ones who are being recognized and chosen as the helpful ones.

Then, you go on to tell them how you feel, without blaming any one person or group.

This approach can also work with speaking one-on-one with individuals.

Again though, I don't know your specific situation...

Thanks!

Yeah, but even if I said, Oh, I'm having a problem, what do you think of a person who's snubbing me, etc - they'll know I'm talking about them.

Hi again, dincher!

You don't have to use the word snub. You could tell them that you're feeling badly because you feel there's something that's come between you and them to cause a "distancing" to happen between you and them and that you would really like to be good friends with them.

Do you have to speak with them as a group?

If they're not mature enough to be willing to discuss things and want to work things out, then perhaps it might just be best to seek out the friendship of others.

I wish and hope only the best for you!

Thanks!

Does your question have to do with this post?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-deal-w-close-friend-shunning-you-384311.html

Well to be honest, it is the same person- only she came out of her hole and acted as if nothing happened only she's doing it again, and it's frustrating. But I've decided not to say anything to her- to just let her seek me as I haven't done anything to ber (that I know of). But now I have another question- Does it seem as if I don't give or care (in her point of view) if I don't communicate and ask why?

I would simply ignore her. That's in no way saying be rude, or confrontational, but leave her and her attitude alone. For whatever reason, she is behaving badly toward you, but you can't control the actions of another.

You can control what you do about it. Doing nothing in this case is an option. Her reasons are her own, and until she tells you what her motives are, you have no facts in which to act.

Do you think she may want attention from you?

I don't know what she wants at this point. The last time, she broke her silence by sending me a birthday gift which was more than 100 bucks- so I thought, we'll OK. Then we were friends again and now- 2 months later, she's doing it again- going above and beyond ignoring me and showing me blatantly that she is. Not sure what this whole attitude is about.

I have had this happen before, by someone who wanted my attention. Talked about me like a dog to her friends, because she liked me.

I don't know if this applies to you, or if your interested, if it does.

I can tell you that if a female spends 100 bucks for a gift, she is very interested.

Oh lol no, I'm a woman - hope that bit helps.

So anyway... I am wondering - this girl's birthday is coming up in a few weeks. If this person continues to snub me, should I even bother to send her the gift? Or should I just leave her and her attitude alone?

Nope if someone is so inconsiderate to you why even bother giving them the time of day.
People like that aren't even appreciative any way. Some people like that will throw whatever you gave them in the garbage first chance they get.

SAVE your money and take yourself out to eat or something.
Don't give her the satisfaction.

Nope if someone is so inconsiderate to you why even bother giving them the time of day.
People like that aren't even appreciative any way. Some people like that will throw whatever you gave them in the garbage first chance they get.

SAVE your money and take your self out to eat or something.
Don't give her the satisfaction.

Yes, I know and I've thought about that. The reason why I'm even considering it is because two months ago, while in the middle of shunning me lol, she bought me a gift for my birthday and it was over 100 bucks. I just cannot understand this odd behavior.

That is odd. Maybe you should buy her something but thing is no matter what it may be not ''as good as what she bought you''

?? IDK

That is odd. Maybe you should buy her something but thing is no matter what it may be not ''as good as what she bought you''

???IDK

Weird, isn't it? Her behavior is so strange I had to come and post it here :p

Well, come to think about it, she is a habitual pot user, so maybe that explains her erratic emotional behavior? LOL

well, come to think about it, she is a habitual pot user, so maybe that explains her erratic emotional behavior? LOL

Well, yes, smoking pot on a regular basis, over a long period will tend to screw around with personality features, general outlook on life, day to day actiivities, not mention losing friends because pot users can't handle the drama attached to some friendships.

I guess all of the above, dincher, explains her erratic behavior.

Tick

Hi dincher, on second thought, we have all be going in circles trying to find a reason for your friends actions, but you didn't say she was a pot smoker originally. That may havemade a difference to four pages of answers.:rolleyes:

Tick

Well, I thought maybe a regular user here may come out and say, "that's not an excuse". I don't know, it was just a thought- not a fact. It's rather strange that she's also"spiritual" (christian) and telling our mutual friends about loving one another, but treats me this way.

Maybe you didn't defer enough to her, after she gave you an expensive birthday gift. Have you tried talking to her again? This is weird, but if you want to know what's on someone else's mind, you ask them.

Maybe you didn't defer enough to her, after she gave you an expensive birthday gift. Have you tried talking to her again? This is wierd, but if you want to know whats on someone else's mind, you ask them.

Yeah, after she sent me the gift, I thanked her, told her that I love her, and we were fine again. But last week, she started with this crap attitude again.

Well, I thought maybe a regular user here may come out and say, "that's not an excuse". I don't know, it was just a thought- not a fact. It's rather strange that she's also"spiritual" (christian) and telling our mutual friends about loving one another, but treats me this way.

I don't know what you are saying here. A regular user of pot, or a regular user of this forum. I am a regular user of AMHD and it isn't an excuse, but potheads are rarely free thinking individuals, although they think that pot makes them more aware and in tune with their surroundings, it doesn't. Marijuana destroys brain cells over a very extended period, years, in fact.

Tick

Confession- I stopped trying to figure out what others feel a long time ago.

But I would ask her crazy a$$ what's up now.

Confession- I stopped trying to figure out what others feel a long time ago.

But I would ask her crazy a$$ whats up now.

Hahahaha, thanks a lot for the laugh.
If I asked her, she may get defensive. I don't want that.

Quote by dincher; hahahaha, thanks a lot for the laugh.
If I asked her, she may get defensive. I don't want that.

Take a chance, dinch, maybe 'defensive' will be good. At least get some good honest reaction her !

Tick

take a chance, dinch, maybe 'defensive' will be good. At least get some good honest reaction her !

tick

Ugh, I hate this kind of thing. It may give her the satisfaction of getting a "rise" from me, or it may make me look too desperate for her attention, two of which I don't like. Or worse yet, she may cop out and say, "Oh, i wasn't ignoring you. That was all in your mind" -which of course, I know it isn't. So how can I make my case, if she's telling me she isn't ignoring me? That's my dilemma

Ok, I finally did it. I confronted her - but it was through email because she made herself "unavailable" again.

So this is what I wrote:

Me: Hi how are you - just wondering if you're upset with me?

Her: LOL! No way am I upset with you , gosh no, but I am in pain, I think I've got fibro-sitis.

My mom had it once at my age too sob


Me: I hope that you feel better.
Excuse the bluntness but I had to ask. I know that it may make you feel uncomfortable but I am a no "mind games" person

Anyway, it's kind of a strong intuition that I have and a strong one at that. I guess last week, during event XX, I saw that you were there and didn't say hello, even though the day before you said we'd go together and then the next day I see you there and you don't even speak to me. If I made a comment that offends you, it's better to let me know instead of sitting on it cause it builds resentment.

Anyway, I want you to be happy - and if not "associating" with me will make you happy then that's okay.

I hope you feel better :)

Her: nooooooooo don't be silly, I love you!
Yeah this getting old stuff sucks...
Although I have to thank God because I did ask him to give me stuff that not life threatening and this isn't hahah

The whole xxx drama between why and a is getting old...

I've tried to mend fences with mk and he's been reasonably receptive so far.

But please don't think I'm avoiding you. I just can't go out as I stiffen up and then can't get up at all. I literally rolled out of bed today and dad got me asprins so I could get up lol


~~~~~~~~~~


I haven't written back yet because for some reason, I feel that this is a partial truth. Just a feeling that I have (even though I sound mean) What do you guys think? Should I just leave it at that?

Threads merged

When you sense that there is a problem in the relationship and confront them about it even in a nice way, they will either deny that there is a problem, or simply apologize for making you feel bad. I notice that this happens with any relationship.

For example, my ex husband - I've always asked him if he loves me or that if there are problems, to please let me know as I love him. Yet, he would always come back and tell me not to worry about anything that he loves me just so. But... when he left me for another woman, *she* sent me a nasty email with a laundry list of things that my ex husband didn't like about me.

That was 4 years ago.

Now, there is this girlfriend who I have (a regular relatinship) who's acting the same way. I'm sure last week she snubbed me - she went above and beyond to show me that she did. So when I asked her nicely why she snubbed me, and gave her the solid proof, she simply denied it and apologized. Yet, I'm sure that she *did* snub me. In fact positive. But she continues to deny, and apologize and say, "oh please don't feel that way" etc etc


So I'm wondering - what's wrong with speaking your mind, instead of punishing people by snubbing or simply leaving them without them knowing what they've done wrong?

So I'm wondering - what's wrong with speaking your mind, instead of punishing people by snubbing or simply leaving them without them knowing what they've done wrong?

Not everyone is good at it!
Sad to say.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
It would save a lot of life's problems if people truly learned how to communicate.

Not everyone is good at it!
Sad to say.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
It would save a lot of life's problems if people truly learned how to communicate.

Exactly. And the thing is that the person who's snubbing me and who has apologized without getting to the bottom of things, sort of speak, had her husband do the same thing to her. So I expected better from her.

People seldom live up to our expectations, or do things the way we want them to. Some times they can't, and sometimes they just don't want to.

I think people at their core to do not want to be rude, so they either avoid conflict or confrontation. Having said that, getting and email from another woman isn't what I'd call proof of anything other then a vidictive woman.

I think people at their core to do not want to be rude, so they either avoid conflict or confrontation. Having said that, getting and email from another woman isn't what I'd call proof of anything other then a vidictive woman.

Well, yeah, she was vindictive, but the point is that the things she wrote on that email were things that only my husband and me would have known about. Like for example - she said that I didn't make my husband meals every single day.

That was true - only both my husband and I were in college together during the time and we both worked full time jobs so like duh, how am I supposed to make him meals everyday? But the thing is that when I asked him (during the time) if it bothers him, he said, Oh don't worry, we are both in college, and I love you for you, not for the meals you make me etc etc. Like he didn't actually tell me it bothered him.

Some people have communication problems and simply can't "speak their minds" as you say. Often they may be afraid that they'll offend you by speaking their minds and being truthful. Let's face it ; we've kind of become a very sensitive society where everyone is sort of expected to tiptoe around on eggshells all the time. And there's always that fine line between standing by your own convictions while respecting those of others at the same time. Hard to do but necessary. Probably the best thing to do is to encourage people to open up, then put on your heavy armor.

Good advice, thanks a lot. Do you suggest keeping a relationship with these kinds of people? The problem is that I begin to feel after a while that they do not appreciate our relationship - meaning friendship or otherwise as much as I do. Otherwise, they'd say what's bothering them as they'd want to improve things.

Threads merged
I know that I'm beating this like a dead horse, but my good friendl who snubbed me last week is continuing to avoid me. Even after I approached her and asked her if there was a problem, it seems to have made things worse, as she only denied that there was a problem to begin with, and didn't bother to address the issues I brought up. She simply resumed to ignore me as if the problem was all in my head, as she claims.

I really appreciate her friendship - the two of us went through a divorce together, and I confided in her a lot of things. I love her like a sister - we even called each other soul sisters. I just don't understand how 4 years later, she can pick up and just leave, just like that.

What's worse is how I am feeling. I feel hurt now - as if I lost a boyfriend or something.

You haven't necessarily lost anything give this woman some space, maybe that's all she needs for a little while. One way or another you don't control this one, she does. You have done all that you can.

Tell her that you are hurt about what has gone on, that you don't understand it but that if she feels in the future she would like to talk to you, let you know what is going on.. that your door will always be open to her.

But only do this if you really are able to give her that space and allow her back in if she does come back. If not then your going to have to walk away and take what good you can from the experience.

Keep us posted. :)

I would give her space and only bother with her when she contacts you. Right now by your initiating communicating with her and her snubbing you you are only feeding the hurt.
The more you bother with her right now the more she is going to feel justified in her treating you this way because she doesn't seem to want to be bothered for whatever reasons and she isn't going to tell you.

I think its time to be friendly and polite, but drop expectations of a reasonable relationship with this person. Holding on to something that ain't happening, and where there is no good answers coming, is a waste of time.

Accept her for the crazy a$$ she acts like.

Your right, this horse is dead. Bury it.

Move on. My best friend in all the world will not accept my phone calls. I sent her nice cards in the mail. Nothing! Today I stayed home from her granddaughters wedding so as not to upset HER . I have no idea what is wrong, she is usually right in my face and I like bluntness. I love her granddaughers, she worked for me two summers as an intern at our library. I just could not go to the wedding, get in the receiving line and have her turn her back on me. Hurts too much. So I am moving on. It will take me a long long time to trust someone else to be a true friend. I thought she was.
I was wrong... so moving on. I have enough stress in my life with out taking on someone else's.