My husband frequently spends all night talking alone to a woman friend of ours. After everyone else has gone to bed, they stay up "talking" sometimes until sunrise. They say they enjoy talking to each other. He swears his loyalty to me and says there is nothing sexual. She says she values my friendship and she says my husband loves me very much. What are the chances they are innocent? Why don't they see that I am uncomfortable with this? (I have vocalized this to my husband, but not the friend.) Why couldn't they just GUESS that a wife would be uncomfortable with this and feel uncomfortable themselves? Should I intervene?

Sounds like an emotional affair. I would express clearly and in simple words that you are uncomfortable and wish it to stop. If he continues you will realize how he feels about you and you can address the situation accordingly.

I have guy friends that I am close to and that I talk to frequently. But I am always considerate of my partner's feelings, if he wasn't comfortable I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Why is he up all night while you sleep? Doesn't that leave him sleeping all day while you are awake?

What is the situation with the friend? What is her status? Why are these conversations taking place all night long?

If it upsets you, you've talked to him about it, and it still happens it's time to take the next step. Does this happen frequently? Once in a while? It sounds to me like you need to sit down and talk to him about this a little more thoroughly. I understand that men and women can have friendships with someone of the opposite sex, but to stay up all night talking seems a bit odd to me.

I agree, there is definently something going on here. It may only be an emotional thing, but it is absolutely not right for your husband to be doing this. Especially if he knows that it makes you that uncomfortable.

Just tell your husband that, if he needs to talk with someone, all night long or whatever, he should be talking with you. Likewise, tell your friend that she should be talking with her husband (if she has one.) And if she doesn't have one, tell her to find another single friend to latch on to for these all-night "chats."

You've confronted him and he brushed it off my saying that it's nothing sexual. But you are uncomfortable with the emotional aspect.

As a husband, he should be more considerate of your feelings. But as the person uncomfortable with the situation, you have to sit him down and make your feelings CLEAR and PRECICE, otherwise he will keep brushing you off.

Hello t:

If I were to pick which one of you should change your behavior, I'd have to pick you. It's NOT that I don't understand where you're coming from. I do.

But, he ISN'T violating your trust. He ISN'T cheating. Frankly, I think you'll do long term damage to your relationship if you DO intervene.

excon

Thank you all so much. I have recently learned about emotional cheating and approached my husband that way. He was shocked something non-sexual could hurt me so bad, but takes it seriously and says he will never be alone in her company again (SHE IS SINGLE) in order to avoid hurting me further.

Friday (3 days ago) I have -through email- sent her the emotional cheating information I found and I told her I wanted to talk. She texted me her mother is in the hospital and she wants things to "settle down" before we talk. What I'm wondering now is: Is she a friend to me? Wouldn't a real friend have made some time to reassure another friend - given the degree of upset I've made clear to her?

Hello t:

If I were to pick which one of you should change your behavior, I'd have to pick you. It's NOT that I don't understand where you're coming from. I do.

But, he ISN'T violating your trust. He ISN'T cheating. Frankly, I think you'll do long term damage to your relationship if you DO intervene.

excon

Yes! Yes! This is where I'm torn! I like to let people be themselves! I feel like a jerk but I am SO hurt and sometimes cry myself to sleep when they are up alone...

You should try to work things out with your husband first before worrying about this woman.

If she was a true friend, she would know herself that it would be hurting you by talking to your husband all night.

If you feel SO uncomfortable, you have to bring it up. You are married, you should be able to talk about anything with your husband.


"He was shocked something non-sexual could hurt me so bad" That sounds like progress to me.

Hello again, t:

Wow... All that happened in the last 45 minutes?? We're either THAT good, or you've been pulling our chain...

excon

Yes! Yes! This is where I'm torn! I like to let people be themselves! I feel like a jerk but I am SO hurt and sometimes cry myself to sleep when they are up alone...

I feel like they are getting closer and closer and I am getting more distant from both of them.

Part of me says, Let it play out... if it's meant to be... you can't stop fate... etc...

GOOD NEWS: He isn't sleeping with her. I'm confident of that.

BAD NEWS: He is not respecting your space 100%.

I think this will all be fine, but just be open and honest and say that if his best friend is not in the house (i.e. you) you are not comfortable. And that is normal. She is no devil, but leaned on a shoulder that was married and was not comfortable for you... some people it would not bother... if it bothers you, it's good to talk it out.

That said, your communication skills worry me. Why are you crying yourself to sleep rather than talking to him?
Don't let this get too big in your head before you all speak.

How old were you when you got married? How long did you date?

Hello again, t:

Wow.... All that happened in the last 45 minutes??? We're either THAT good, or you've been pulling our chain...

excon

Yes, well I wanted some answers on the original situation. I found this site AFTER I intervened and have been questioning myself... and questioning EVERYTHING! I didn't feel good about their talks, but also I don't feel good about my intervention :(

I think he has no business 'frequently having all night talks with a woman friend'. Would it be acceptable if you didn't know her?

I think you need to give your head a shake here and realize that it is NOT right!! He needs to put a stop to the conversations, and your friend needs a reminder of boundaries and that she has crossed the line with a married man!

What do they talk about- baseball? Politics? Potty training? That might take up all of five minutes, a stretch, but maybe 10. THEN what are they talking about.

In my opinion only a fool would think that isn't the first step in developing a relationship that will go beyond a telephone. Maybe it has already.

I can't believe that this would be considered harmless... sheesh.

I think he has no business 'frequently having all night talks with a woman friend'. Would it be acceptable if you didn't know her?

I think you need to give your head a shake here and realize that it is NOT right!!!!!! He needs to put a stop to the conversations, and your friend needs a reminder of boundaries and that she has crossed the line with a married man!

What do they talk about- baseball? Politics? Potty training? That might take up all of five minutes, a stretch, but maybe 10. THEN what are they talking about.

In my opinion only a fool would think that isn't the first step in developing a relationship that will go beyond a telephone. Maybe it has already.

I can't believe that this would be considered harmless......sheesh.

Absolutely right & when I ask what they talk about they both answer NOTHING. Everyone calls me a naïve, passive, blonde - but I do catch on eventually. This is the 3rd summer this has been happening.

Absolutely right & when I ask what they talk about they both answer NOTHING. Everyone calls me a naive, passive, blonde - but I do catch on eventually. This is the 3rd summer this has been happening.

Wow, more facts come to light. This sounds like a much bigger problem than when you first posted the question.

1) Either you have very poor communication skills and he just doesn't understand the pain that you are going through.

2) Or he just doesn't care.

At first I thought it was 1), poor communications skills, but now I'm leaning towards 2). You really need to sit him down and be PRECISE and UPFRONT with him. This problem won't fix itself magically.

If there's no improvement in his behavior, then you will have to take more drastic measures such as marriage counselling.

That is inappropriate and disrespectful. So you ought to speak up about it immediately. If you allow this to continue yourself esteem will be to the floor. Stop it before it is too late.

GOOD NEWS: He isn't sleeping with her. I'm confident of that.

BAD NEWS: He is not respecting your space 100%.

I think this will all be fine, but just be open and honest and say that if his best friend is not in the house (i.e. you) you are not comfortable. And that is normal. She is no devil, but leaned on a shoulder that was married and was not comfortable for you...some people it would not bother.....if it bothers you, it's good to talk it out.

That said, your communication skills worry me. Why are you crying yourself to sleep rather than talking to him?
Don't let this get too big in your head before you all speak.

How old were you when you got married? How long did you date?

I, too, am shocked at my communication skills! I pride myself on expressing myself honestly and constructively. I guess I've been fooling myself. Fact is, once I asked him not to do it and he PROMISED he wouldn't (2 years ago)... alcohol is involved - they stay up all night DRINKING and talking - - and he said he wanted to stay up talking and didn't remember (OR HONOR) the promise.

This is my second marriage. I have been married now 10 years to a man 18 years my junior. I am 53, she is 47, he is 36.

I, too, am shocked at my communication skills! I pride myself on expressing myself honestly and constructively. I guess I've been fooling myself. Fact is, once I asked him not to do it and he PROMISED he wouldn't (2 years ago)...alcohol is involved - they stay up all night DRINKING and talking - - and he said he wanted to stay up talking and didn't remember (OR HONOR) the promise.

This is my second marriage. I have been married now 10 years to a man 18 years my junior. I am 53, she is 47, he is 36.

My husband typically idolizes me and treats me like a princess. This is the only promise he has ever broken and yes, he is a drinker, but not usually to cause problems.

Ok, with the new facts coming to light I think:

a) you need a marriage counselor
b) he may have a drinking issue
c) you all need to get some things on the table

He is 20 years younger and is not so subtly making his needs known.
Do you or him have any kids? Does he have a job? What do you do?

Ok, with the new facts coming to light I think:

a) you need a marriage counselor
b) he may have a drinking issue
c) you all need to get some things on the table

He is 20 years younger and is not so subtly making his needs known.
Do you or him have any kids? Does he have a job? What do you do?

We went to a marriage counsellor 3 years ago when this started and he thought it was stupid.

He probably does have a drinking issue - I guess she probably does, too; I think this may be the basis of their friendship.

I have a 21-year-old daughter who does not live at home. He and I do not have any children together.

He has a good job with the state.

I sold my cleaning business 2 years ago to have more time with him and find something more fulfilling for myself. I recently got a part-time work-from-home job...

Often times things like this make the one questioning behaviour, the one that has the problem.

It is convenient for both your husband, and his female friend to have you think that nothing is going on. Trusting people who wouldn't engage in innapropriate behaviour such as they are, are the easiest targets.

Age has nothing to do with it, and, you have done nothing wrong. What they are doing in no way diminishes you as a person.

With the type of relationship that is going on with them, it isn't a spur of the moment thing to call up and see how each other are doing. They plan when to call, when it is safe, no prying ears, no interruptions, just the two of them under the shadow of the night. They decide when they are going to talk again.

In other words, they have a plan, and it works.

I would be inclined to pick up the extension and join in. Start talking about your day, and beef it up. Would you believe that some bozo nearly hit me in the mall parking lot today? Add a whole bunch of nothing to 'cool them off'.

When your husband asks what you were doing, just say, "nothing, nothing at all".

What are his needs that I am apparently not filling? He needs to drink all night? He needs to talk all night? He needs another perspective on everything-that-could-possibly-be-discussed rather than just my and his man-friends perspectives? I can't stay up all night...

Yes! Yes! This is where I'm torn! I like to let people be themselves! I feel like a jerk but I am SO hurt and sometimes cry myself to sleep when they are up alone...

NO, you're absolutely right feeling the way you are. Please don't let these "marital politically correct" people tell you that you are wrong. You have every single right to feel the way you are.

My ex husband of ten years had a friend at work - an older woman whom he would talk to and I was perfectly okay with that (cause I thought she was older and he wouldn't go out with her). Well, my trust betrayed me - today, my ex is living w/ her, gave her a baby or two, and I am divorced. Please please please, do not listen to excon - that is the way it starts. In fact, the bible says that the heart is treacherous - no one knows it.

It is imperative that you do something about this situation and pronto.

Hope this helps.

Yes, they used to talk via cell phone each night on his 45 minute drive home from work. When I discovered that I told him I was uncomfortable and it stopped - at least so far as I can determine from the online phone bill.

They never talk on house phones, just cell phones, sometimes text; and do the all night -outside- thing... Yes, they sure avoid my prying ears.

What is the best way for me to handle this?

Yes, they used to talk via cell phone each night on his 45 minute drive home from work. When I discovered that I told him I was uncomfortable and it stopped - at least so far as I can determine from the online phone bill.

They never talk on house phones, just cell phones, sometimes text; and do the all night -outside- thing... Yes, they sure avoid my prying ears.

What is the best way for me to handle this?

I'm beginning to think that there is something wayy more than just the phone conversations. I think you need to put your foot down. Every time that you see him pick up the phone to talk to her, you need to get up and join in. Period. See his facial expression when you pick up the other phone, or when you ask him to put her on speaker :eek: - the conversation will end so fast lol

No - I am never around when they speak by phone. This is something I ask for. I ask, Why can't you talk in front of me? Why must everything be private? And they say You can always be there; just come out back in the middle of the night (which I have and the conversation obviously changes... )

You can't listen in on the other phone when it's a cell phone

What are his needs that I am apparently not filling? He needs to drink all night? He needs to talk all night? He needs another perspective on everything-that-could-possibly-be-discussed rather than just my and his man-friends perspectives? I can't stay up all night...

Only he can answers these questions. However, I think even if you were to ask him you wouldn't get any staight answers. The calling each other every night would bother me to. However, I learnt that most drinkers who drink the way they do is because they are trying to run away from something. Not saying he is running away from you but maybe something in his past.

you can't listen in on the other phone when it's a cell phone

But you can ask him to put her on speaker phone ;)

What is the best way for me to handle this?

Without sounding jealous or anything just simply ask if you could be more included in their friendship and see what the response is. I think if you were more involved you would find out that either a) nothing is going on or b) that there could me more to worry about than the late night conversations.

Yes, they say I am included - if only I could stay up all night...

I don't believe anything is going on in the sense of a sexual relationship, but I do feel they are becoming closer to each other and I am becoming distanced from them both.

I feel hurt and uncomfortable and as though this could harm our marriage.

Yes, they say I am included - if only I could stay up all night...

I don't believe anything is going on in the sense of a sexual relationship, but I do feel they are becoming closer to each other and I am becoming distanced from them both.

I feel hurt and uncomfortable and as though this could harm our marriage.

It can harm your marriage and it has been for three years.

I'd be cutting to the chase. Enough bullfeathers here.

I would write him a simple email. Explain that you often fall asleep waiting for him to come to bed because he's on his cell phone with Ms. Windbag, so you decided to write him an email, with a cc to her.

Dear Blabbermouth,

I have decided that it is time for you to put a stop to the all nighters with Ms. Windbag. It is innapropriate for you to be talking to another woman regardless, however, the all nighters on the cell phone are upsetting to me.

I do not care what you discuss, although you can imagine what goes through my mind. Try picturing yourself in my position, and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize that you too, would be concerned.

I insist that the phone calls stop as I've said. This includes all contact with Ms. Windbag, unless you are in the company of fully awake people at a social gathering where we cannot avoid her.

If she charges by the minute, and has a 'business' on the side, she will have to get another customer.

The account is closed. Tonight, you come to my bed and we'll talk about it.

Yes. Sorry for the confusion. We have a home at the shore and host many weekend guests - this woman incuded (most weekends).

Their discussions are IN PERSON. She is here at my home.

So if it happens again, I should go out back where they are in our yard - in the middle of the night and say my "email piece"?

Yes... that WOULD feel better...

You all have been so helpful. I really need the impartial advice! I wonder if you would be so kind as to address the #2 issue:

This woman has been saying we are good friends and she values my friendship:

1) is this a possibility? And

2) how do I find out? 2)a) Should I?

My husband says just let her keep coming here on weekends like always. When he doesn't continue his all-night talks with her -which he swears he'll NEVER be alone with her again- if she's really my friend, she'll continue to be and if she's not, she'll stop hanging around...

For your marriage's sake, it will be best if you both discontinue the friendship.

I believe any internet chatting is worth for damaging spouse's feeling. If it lasts all night long between man and woman frequently, it is way beyond casual & innocent talk. People have tendency to be more secretive and seductive at night. They apparently enjoy the borderline affairs and thrills for your cost. It seems they already built cyber bond, and you are an alien for them.

s_cianci gave you a great suggestion. Please make yourself available every night, and engage with the 3 way chatting with them. If they feel uncomfortable with your presence or want to quit it before sunrise, it means they used to talked about something they do not want you to hear about. Please do it until they stop it completely.

My question is why you are afraid of intervening their emotional affair. There is no such a friendship between man and woman if they secretly talk to each other behind of their spouses back all night long. The woman is not your friend any more, because she knows who he is, and still does not stop talking to him. She is stealing your happy time. You are the person who should have him all night long, and you & your husband are supposed to please each other not others. Your husband is leaving you in empty bed, talking to another woman all night, and still claiming he is innocent? She says she values your friendship? Please give me a break. How can you call her as friend when she steals your precious stuff from you all night long & make you cry in pain? She is stealing your intimate & romantic feeling between you and your husband. It is obviously harming your marriage. Please do not afraid to make a big scene before you end up being used & divorced. You have all the right. If it was me, I would confront strongly when it happened first time. Please keep your marriage safe, while it is manageable.

The issue here is, if you confront them, they will keep it as deepest secret between them. Always prohibited pleasure creates more excitement.

I guess you know you can install software to track the keyboard stroking of your husband's computer, and trace their conversation. Just for information.

I feel like a jerkNo! Don't ever feel guilty for feeling the way you do. There is such a thing as emotional cheating and your husband and friend are (or, hopefully, were) guilty of it. Now since your friend's mother is in the hospital, you can allow her some slack but the issue will have to be promptly addressed. There's absolutely no need in the world for any single woman to be having all-night conversations with a married man. She could be out carousing around and heading up all the single men she wants! Hell, I'm single ; if she wants someone to talk to, I'll talk to her lol!

Not that it changes much, but ALL THIS HAS BEEN DONE IN PERSON IN THE BACK YARD AT MY HOME. She has been a weekend guest (with others) for 3 summers.

I confronted my husband many times saying I was scared, hurt and uncomfortable. He ASSURED me there were no sexual connotations and figured he had assuaged me. It was only when (the other day!) I discovered Emotional Cheating and presented him with it that we were both floored! And he has been promising to do ANYTHING to keep the relationship happy.

I want to believe he was just that innocent, but my mind is going crazy: What did they think? How did they think I felt? What is HER position? Why hasn't she contacted me since I asked to have a talk with her on Friday (3 days ago)?

if she wants someone to talk to, I'll talk to her lol!

HEY! Gosh, can I take you up on this? I REALLY appreciate your perspective!

We're in NJ, too, so watch out!

I just feel so hurt that they could go on like they did and not think it would bother me. With a good husband and a good friend like that - who needs enemies?

Do you think they could honestly have been innocent and be now shocked that I have been hurt all this time?

I just want to understand what drew them together...

It doesn't matter what drew them together. They ARE together, more so than you and he are. They share a connection obviously and they drink together.

Make no mistake about it, she is HIS friend, not yours.

This has gone on way too long and has caused you enough pain and anxiety.

They're probably just shocked that you are finally questioning them after so long of letting it go.

I don't know what his intentions are or past actions have been, but I know hers are not good ones where you are concerned.

I would try as hard as I could to stay awake and sit there all night with them and YOU pick the topic of conversation, i.e. husbands having emotional affairs with they and their wives' mutual "friends" and see how that goes.

Best wishes

Oh; very, very, very nice! How clear the view is from the outside!

Thanks SO much! I LOVE that!

Whew... that was a rough week. I have my new Plan Of Action, my Modus Operandi - and I'm cool as a cucumber!

Bring it on!