… Another “I’m having relationship problems” thread

Ok so here's how it goes –
After getting to know a girl and being ‘complicated’ (romantic friendship, basically) for 3 months it eventuated into a relationship. After about one month things began to speed up. This was something I wasn’t quite ready for or used to, (there was a 4-year gap between this and my previous relationship…). So at about two months I told her I couldn’t do it any more and wanted to go back to being ‘complicated’. This didn’t really work so I broke it off with her, more or less.
Here’s the twist:
The next day I had realised what I had done and wanted her back (I could have just talked to her about the issues instead of jumping the gun like I did…). After some conversation we settled for ‘complicated’ and everything was meant to go fine…
But it didn’t and the strange working of a women’s mind began to take its toll. Now she believed that I had to pay her back for this 2nd chance and if I really wanted her then I would work for it.
Ok, so basically the only time she would talk to me is when I talked to her (mainly via text MSG).
Of course she didn’t actually tell me this at the time and I thought that she had lost interest in me, despite the decision we came to. Finally I approached her about it and after a long conversation we came to the decision and understanding of a ‘two way street’.
And everything was meant to go fine….
But it didn’t. A couple of weeks later she didn’t want to physically interact with me (ie – holding hands). She said that it wasn’t ‘working for her’.
Here’s where it gets weird:
I saw her again the next week (not really intentionally) and with forced smile and forced happy mood I hung out with her for a bit. It seemed that nothing happened in the past and she began to slowly flirt with me again. This continued more and more the more we saw each other.
She took me out for my birthday to a restaurant a while ago where we had some interesting conversation. She tells me how we arnt together (she does this a lot, as if to remind me…) then she goes on to say how she felt a bit jealous when she saw a picture of another girl and me on Facebook.
And it feels like we are at the position when we first met.
Well that’s it really, she still flirts with me and means well and I do care about her a lot.
I’m just afraid of losing her… (Especially to someone else)
And I find the workings of a female difficult to read (must you be such a higgle-di-piggledy maze! )

I appreciate any pointers or help.
Thanks for listening guys

It sounds like she is over analyzing things, like going by what she thinks things should be at any given time, instead of going with her heart.
If you are going to continue seeing her you need to just be yourself and not make her feel you are pushing for anything more than a friendship but let her see you are interested in little things you do like being attentive to her and things like that.

She is still hurt with you breaking up with her and she is making you work hard for her in order to prove yourself again. In a way it is a little bit like playing games but in a way it is also a way to protect herself.

If the two of you are going really give it another shot then you need to a fresh start and the past need to be kept in the past.

Remember communication is the key and you need to expressed yourself instead of pulling back. However, I don't think you should rearrange your own life in order to please her. Compromise is a good thing but you should not be the only one doing all the compromising.

1) You need to decide (on your own) what type of relationship that you want with her.

2) Tell her exactly what you want.

3) Ask her what she wants.

4) See what wants you have a in common and what are different and then work from there.

Thanks guys
But why does she keep reminding me that we arnt together? Reassurence or to protect herself?

I don't know probably to protect herself.
Tell her I know and I know it is how you want it so I have to respect that so don't worry.
That may get her to admit that maybe she wants more... IF she does.

thanks guys
but why does she keep reminding me that we arnt together? reassurence or to protect herself?

Why don't you ask her , communication is one of the most important things in any Relationship.

If the pair of you can't talk to each other this early on I don't see much hope for the future. Sounds like your just playing games with each other :rolleyes:

Ah right, thanks again...

Hmmm... something must be wrong with me... I don't get this part... "She tells me how we arnt together (she does this a lot, as if to remind me…)"... then "I'm just afraid of losing her… (Especially to someone else)"

So ummm are you with her or not? You seem like a couple, but at the same time, you aren't. I'm confused. Sorry.. :(

I think she wants to be friends but afraid that he will go reckless https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/got-her-back-378104.html on her.

I think she wants to be friends but afraid that he will go reckless https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/got-her-back-378104.html on her.

What the? It's the same person?

Well that's how it is...
We still like each other... but we arnt actually together
It doesn't fall together well, I know. But I'm wating it out to see what's going to happen over the next month to determine her motives

I think she wants to be friends but afraid that he will go reckless https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/got-her-back-378104.html on her.

Hhmmm... interesting NH :rolleyes:

well thats how it is...
we still like each other... but we arnt actually together
it doesnt fall together well, i know. but im wating it out to see whats going to happen over the next month to determine her motives

So you guys are just friends now?

No not the same person the same pattern.

No, different person here, BlackVY

Ahhh... OK then... thanks for clearing that up...

Well from my point of view, the situation you are in sux...

You were basically, OK, then you left her, because it was too serious too soon for you, then you changed your mind and she took you back, but partially.

You noticed she wasn't giving the relationship her everything, so you mentioned this and decided to do a two-way street thing, which is how it should have been anyway, even after she took you back. This just shows that she didn't feel too great about being dumped and getting back together. So she was holding back.

Now however, she seems to have the upper hand in the relationship. Its not very fair from what I can see, but she still likes you, so she is jealous.

If I were you, I would be honest with her, tell her I made a mistake my leaving her, and I do care about her and want to be with her, and just ask her to take things slow. If that isn't cool with her, then I guess you guys will just be friends, but I feel for you, having this game being played on you. Been there. It hurts...

Ahh... thanks BlackVY
Yes she's very good when it comes to calling the shots.

But yes, everything will get sorted

Hmmm well seems to me since you left her and got back with her the next day, she feels like you owe were, like you said, since she gave you this chance, so yeah, she has the upper hand here.

Not a good position to be in, so you need to try to make this relationship fair and equal, or it won't ever work, no matter how much time passes...

Good luck to you... :)