Ok, I really need help with this one. I met someon a little over 2 weeks ago and we hit it off instantaneously. He told me he never married and lived with his girlfriend for 14 years but they split up last year. During that time we met about 6 times... we were always in touch via on-line, texting and talking on the phone daily. Before we met we both said we didn't want complications... I told him I did not want to change my life meaning I was not looking to move in or marrying anyone. He seemed to hear he did not want any strings or commitments as he said at that time he was still messed up over his ex (she cheated on him last year and so had trust issues) and confused as to what to do. Anyhow, we have never fought... we both agreed we loved how we got along including sexually. He could not see me enough and no, we did not always have sex, he did take me out. Anyhow, last time he was here was Tuesday and he spent the night... everything was fine and then on Thursday evening I receive this email from him saying that he had not been completely honest and felt like a jerk for not telling me but that he and his ex still lived under the same roof. He said he had not slept with her in 4 years and that they were more like best friends. He was saying that she had been talking to him about giving it one more try before calling it quits (they had been together for 14 years). I thought now she wants to try? Is it because she sees he is happy? That he is moving on and she doesn't want to lose that? I just thought it was odd that they had over a year to try and work this out and they decide now to try?? Yes, I was upset and then he got mad at me for being upset. I told him I was hurt and he said is this what this is all about? He said we were friends, we said no strings, no commitments and no complications but that was before we met and found out we really liked each other so why is he throwing that in now and why is he so mad at me for being upset??

You only met this guy 2 weeks ago and you moved way too fast. You exchange too much emotions with him and you didn't even know him. You just went on the things he told you and then made the mistake of believing him.

You and he didn't have a relationship and he told you before him that he wanted a no strings attach thing. I guess you thought once the two of you had sex things changed but it didn't.

Now you know the truth and instead of being mad that he is mad with you you should just leave him and stay away from him. If he wants to work on rebuilding a relationship with his ex then let him. Don't get upset with his girlfriend because she did nothing to you.

In the future be more cautious with who you meet and get to know them. Don't believe everything you hear. And give it more than 2 weeks.

Why do you offer your body to someone who will have no string with you?
Are you making yourself extremely easy for men to have sex?
Your message is actually "hey guys, you do not have to worry about me at all, and can have sex with me for nothing."
Please have self-respect and work on the real relationship.
It is stupid to set you up in the 'no string' condition, sleep around, and develop feelings by yourself (aginst your set up) & get upset.
It does not help anything, but ruin yourself further.

It is very simple to fix.
1) Move on from this guy. The entry was wrong. It will not work. He absolutely has no respect or feeling for you.
2) From no on, you say nothing about the "no string" BS in the any date.
You will be treated as a decent girl not a 'free hooker'.

Decent men have no respect on girls who voluntarily suggest "no string" hook up. They despise them actually.

To add to what the others said and answer your question so mad at me for being upset?
People will get mad at you for being upset because it sort of throws the blame, fault or guilt back on you. It can even make you feel like your hands are tied where he is right end of story. Basically it is a manipulation tactic.
They often will revert back to some past issue and emphasize it to 'win' their point but they will flip flop when you try bringing up a related issue from the day before telling you to leave the past in the past. They use whatever to their convenience even when it contradicts their other tactics just so they can have a hold over you.

Thanks everyone for responding. Nohelp thank you for answering my question as to why he would be mad at me for being upset. I wondered if it was the guilt thing he had. I know what we had and it was very special. I have not spoken to him since that night. He will need to deal with his stuff first if he wants me in his life at all.

Winding thank you for your efforts. I never agreed to the no strings... I said no complications but he heard no strings, big difference there.

Liz28, you are right... we moved too quickly. Neither of us expected all this to happen, meaning really like each other. He is in a dilemma and I asked for no complications... this is a huge complication.

I can tell you that a man who has been dating his girlfriend for fourteen years has some commitment issues. If he comes back into your life, it won't matter how special and great your relationship is, you will probably be getting just more of that from him. Even if he were to walk away tomorrow, he would need about two years to himself otherwise you would just be the rebound.

Move on, don't maintain a hope that there is a future in this relationship, no matter how wonderful your two weeks + were.

I can tell you that a man who has been dating his girlfriend for fourteen years has some commitment issues.

For real!

My thoughts were he was mad at me for being upset because I was not being supportive... you know "yes baby... do what you must and I will be here waiting for you"... no.. My response was "you knew exactly what you were doing?" and I wished him good luck with his relationship. He said it was killing him keeping this from me and was a selfish prick for doing so but knew that I would not give him the time of day otherwise. I think he was banking on me falling for him to the point where I would do just about anything for him... NOT. He said to me wouldn't you have rather I told you than 6 months down the road you found out?? I said "no, I would of rathered you left me alone". I feel good with how I dealt with this situation. Yes, I miss him... yes, he was right I was falling for him but I am not into complications and I meant it. Also, this is why he said to me no strings because he was still dealing with this situation. I am glad he told me on his own though and not that I found out. I am actually so surprised at how much time he gave me and how available and attentive he was to me. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was falling for me big time. I can't see someone going through the trouble just to get some or would they??

Yeah he expects you to be supportive but is he supportive of you? Some people are just so one sided. You need to take a good look and figure if he is doing the things he does from a selfish one sided perspective that is all about him.
They are usually the get even types and will sometimes go to great lengths to get even.
They even justify it by thinking you have to learn a lesson and they are going to be the one to teach you,

I don't know if this is the case with him but really think about it and see where he might be like that.

Yes, some people would be do or say anything to get some nookie but I glad to hear your past it and is letting him go instead of being stuck.

Your heading in the right direction and there are single and available men out there. Time to get out your fishing hook and go fishing.

He was in a different mind set while you were dating assuming he was truthful. He was looking to move on with his life.

Yet when the opportunity arose for him to work out a relationship that he valued for fourteen years, he knew that he wasn't ready to move on.

Don't analyze too much, just know that he wasn't the right person.

Yeah I did say to him... "your wife did this to you, not me!"

You have been very helpful NOhelp, thank you very much. I guess I needed some re-assurance. That last thing I need is another controlling and manipulative man in my life.

yeah I did say to him ... "your wife did this to you, not me!"

You have been very helpful NOhelp, thank you very much. I guess I needed some re-assurance. That last thing I need is another controlling and manipulative man in my life.

He didn't have a wife, he has a girlfriend of fourteen years. It says a lot right there.

Yeah, well to me it is the same thing hence why I called her his wife to him. He seemed to like to keep reminding me he was never married lol.

Yeah he knew what you meant but correcting wording is another tactic to take the point off the issue.
I hear so many guys call girls 'my wife' when they may have only been dating a month or two. But when it isn't to their advantage to call them wife or ex wife then they will make the wording an issue.
Either way you should be able to look back on everything you know about him and see the patterns.

yeah, well to me it is the same thing hence why I called her his wife to him. He seemed to like to keep reminding me he was never married lol.

Because he is a commitment phobic so he very easily discerns the difference and has to ensure that you understand she is his girlfriend. He probably won't married this women and it would have predicted a very difficult picture for your future. You should mentally thank him for walking away after two weeks because he will walk away from her after fourteen years and I can tell you that is a lot more heartache.

Two weeks?

I tend to forget specifics rereplying to posts and get the posts a little blurred. Gee two weeks. He thought they were broke up so he moved on by looking for a rebound, wife and him working things out, your high and dry out of the picture. He has a history with his wife.
Sometimes threatening and acting on leaving is a wake up call. She may or may not want him back for the right reasons but that doesn't matter it is THEIR decision.
The 'I haven't slept with my wife in four years'
Is a line married guys give girls to feel sorry for them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard guys say that.

two weeks?

I tend to forget specifics rereplying to posts and get the posts a little blurred. Gee two weeks. He thought they were broke up so he moved on by looking for a rebound, wife and him working things out, your high and dry out of the picture. He has a history with his wife.
Sometimes threatening and acting on leaving is a wake up call. She may or may not want him back for the right reasons but that doesn't matter it is THEIR decision.
The 'I haven't slept with my wife in four years'
is a line married guys give girls to feel sorry for them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard guys say that.

This was not his wife, but his girlfriend of fourteen years. It's a different spin on the story.

They only live under the same roof (so he says). They broke up but they continue to live under the same roof because of convenience and expenses but now she wants to work on the relationship with him. But why now after over a year does she want to work on it? I personally think it's because she saw he was in a very good mood and moving on and probably figured out he met someone else. I just think it's odd why now she wants to work on it when they had over a year to fix things? He feels that after 14 years, he wants to make sure. He says he is confused about how his feelings for her. He says he still has feelings for her but then he doesn't. As for whether he leaves her or not... I say she should have thought of that when she decided to have an affair on him but you are right in that he did do me a favor telling me.

In reading all this it also sounds like he was working on me so that he could have the best of both worlds and when he realized that wasn't going to happen, he then got mad, hence same time I was upset.

How is it a different spin? If he went back to her he must want to work things out.

In reading all this it also sounds like he was working on me so that he could have the best of both worlds and when he realized that wasn't going to happen, he then got mad, hence same time I was upset.

I think that sums it up
You were a shelter with benefits like friends with benefits until he knew where to go from there

Woohooo... we figured it out!! Thanks everyone!!

By the way nohelp... Is that your tattoo? I really like it if it is!

No I am too chicken to get a tattoo but I liked the heart.
May have to change my avatar to a motorcycle :D don't have one of them either--afraid I'd break my leg or something but I like bikes.

Hey hey slow down lady I see you're pissed and pissed big time and the worst part is you're pissed on your own self but.. hey come on he's just another schmuck whose being greedy and confused over emotions... its like he was already pissed over his devotion to his ex and now you caught the sneeze... See first of all pull yourself together and then tell this tommy to go take a hike and you go on to let things settle down a bit and then pull your emotions out of this puddle and you know even if you're going to try to fix things they are only going to get worse on you cause this ain't about you darling its about that tommy and his little 14 years old fantasy or call it infatuation and you've got nothing to care about only if you're too weak to trail him after... from what I see you are a strong lady with a future to grab and some peace to snatch so go hail peace and bury that tommy for some time cause he needs a lesson to be taught... but don't worry he'll be back.. back sometime... but take care if you go on nannying him he'll never come for a nanny.which you ain't.
See you... and let me know.

Hey hey slow down lady i see you're pissed and pissed big time and the worst part is you're pissed on your own self but ..hey come on he's just another schmuck whose being greedy and confused over emotions...its like he was already pissed over his devotion to his ex and now you caught the sneeze....See first of all pull your self together and then tell this tommy to go take a hike and you go on to let things settle down a bit and then pull your emotions out of this puddle and you know even if you're going to try to fix things they are only going to get worse on you cause this ain't about you darling its about that tommy and his little 14 years old fantasy or call it infatuation and you've got nothing to care about only if you're too weak to trail him after...from what i see you are a strong lady with a future to grab and some peace to snatch so go hail peace and bury that tommy for some time cause he needs a lesson to be taught ...but don't worry he'll be back ..back sometime...but take care if you go on nannying him he'll never come for a nanny.which you ain't.
See ya.....and let me know.

What did you read?

His 14 year old fantasy, a/k/a his girlfriend of fourteen years... doesn't sound like a fantasy to me.

Why in the world would she or should she want him back in her life.

Please follow the complete post so that you can give accurate advice inclusive of all of the facts. It didn't seem you completely read this entire post.

Or this part too?


and you've got nothing to care about only if you're too weak to trail him after....

Winding thank you for your efforts. I never agreed to the no strings... I said no complications but he heard no strings, big difference there.


Good to know, and it sounds much better. I feel relieved in fact.

When you say "no complication", and have sex with a man in the short period time, the combination implies "simply physical relationship", which means "no string" (EVEN FOR ME!). It is a heaven sent message for the 'no string' type guy, and make him to jump on you with joy. Unknowingly, you set you up as no string type girl.

You rather say "let's see how it goes, and take it slowly." Period.
It opens you a good possibility of developing true feeling between you and your man. Your man will set up his mind in the direction, and treat you with respect.
Why do you have to have the 'no complication' talk in the early dating stage? You never know how you will feel after having physical relationship with the person. When you say less, you seem mysterious, and a man will wonder & pursue you further. Do not have sex in 2 weeks either. The longer a man waits, the more he will respect & want you. Good luck!

By the way, he is not a good man, you did not loose anything. A man with unresolved 14 yrs of relationship sounds very aweful. Do not date a guy who has emotional baggage. Just forget him and move on. I am glad you are in the right direction.

If you did in fact agree that it'd be "no strings, no commitments and no complications" then you really have no cause to be hurt or upset. And it really isn't fair to expect so much after only 2 weeks anyhow. But I think you do have a pretty good grip on the situation between him and his ex. She sees him happy and sees him moving on, so she now "wants him back." And obviously he can't let go, which explains why he was still living with her and why he's allowing himself to be lured back in. But I think she's just trying to control him and he's allowing her to do it. I don't think she really wants him or cares for him but he's too naïve to see that. Disappear form the picture for a while and see how long they continue to stay together. It's a shame because he probably is robbing himself of a lot of good dating opportunities by continuing to allow himself to be putty in her hands.

So I guess it took me to help him realize he better give this 14 yr relationship a real shot of fixing before he actually leaves her. If he comes back he better be out of that situation. Just two nights before he was asking me where in London I would want to live. I said where I do live lol. All I know is the whole thing is strange. We clicked... I mean really clicked but I am not putting up with this bs.

Even if he comes back and isn't going to work through the relationship with his girlfriend... they had fourteen years together, he should really be single for a long time to heal emotionally. Why wait around for two years or become the rebound girl for a two week relationship. Heal yourself and wake away completely.

I think you are right s_cianci. He did tell me she was a strong woman and could see her leaving if she wanted to. Fact is this... she was having an affair who is to say she won't do that again. She is just buying time till she meets someone else. That's what I think anyway. He said she came home with a bunch of self help books lol.

Justwantfair, ty for responding. He says he has been living like this with her for a year and a half... but NOW she wants to work on it. He said he stayed because neither of them could afford being out on their own and he was working out of town for 4 weeks at a time. Honestly, what I see is we met.. we were friends, we hit it off.. he shows he is in a very good mood, she panics because wth is she going to live lol and he has no idea what is going on but that he wants to move on but then he doesn't. He doesn't even know how he feels about her. Gee, the more I write about this, the more I realize why do I want this complication?? This is what I meant about no complications lol.

Things will always be complicated because of him. He is giving you nothing but a list of excuses to why he have to be with her. If he doesn't want to be with then he knows where the door is. Also, she isn't forcing him to stay this is something he is doing on his own because he wants to.

To make things simple you should stay away with him and stop listening to his long list of excuses.

Justwantfair, ty for responding. He says he has been living like this with her for a year and a half... but NOW she wants to work on it. He said he stayed because neither of them could afford being out on their own and he was working out of town for 4 weeks at a time. Honestly, what I see is we met.. we were friends, we hit it off.. he shows he is in a very good mood, she panics because wth is she going to live lol and he has no idea what is going on but that he wants to move on but then he doesn't. He doesn't even know how he feels about her. Gee, the more I write about this, the more I realize why do I want this complication???? This is what I meant about no complications lol.

That is what I am trying to point out. Mentally you are making excuses and putting yourself on hold for this man, it shows in your writing.

It doesn't matter why she is interested again. It matters that he jumped, it matters that it 'was convenient' for a year and a half to live together, still consider each other best friends and that there are still unresolved issues between the two of them. They couldn't make this break before you came along, they won't make it now. Your relationship has showed him that he is not over her and you are wasting energy worrying about their relationship.

Nothing would have ever come from your relationship with him. You were not going to be the one he changed for and can you even imagine spending ten to twelve years loving a men who will not marry you? He apparently cares for and loved this woman... so why hadn't he married her? It was before the cheating and she probably started cheating because she was stuck with a commitment phobic man who wasn't fulfilling her needs... is that where you really want to be? Wake up... now move on.

Hi Winding... ty for your response and sorry it has taken me so long to get back. I just wanted to explain what I meant by no complications. I did not want a man with baggage. I don't want to live with anyone, nor marry anyone. I am no where ready for any of this. I just want someone I can do things with, have fun, companionship and intimacy. I find many men want to have control or try to manipulate... hence, just like he tried.

Things will always be complicated because of him. He is giving you nothing but a list of excuses to why he have to be with her. If he doesn't want to be with then he knows where the door is. Also, she isn't forcing him to stay this is something he is doing on his own because he wants to.

To make things simple you should stay away with him and stop listening to his long list of excuses.

Hi, yes he is there right now with her trying to fix things. He has to try everything first. They have a lot invested in that relationship fortunately though no children. He has my support to try and work on it. Just a few nights before we were talking about my relationship with my ex and how I did not have any regrets. My reasons for no regret is because I know I did everything I could to try and salvage it. I believe that is where he is at right now. He is not sure how he feels, if he wants to stay etc. The last time I talked to him he said they agreed to seek counselling together :). I don't just care for him as a sexual partner... I truly enjoy his friendship and care. I believe he does too hence why he told me. He said he felt like a selfish prick... he did this all on his own. I mean I had no clue because he was giving me all his time and attention A LOT. He said they were living separate lives under the same roof except for family functions. Anyway, he still wants to keep in touch via phone or emails. We decided we should not see each other though because I don't think that would be such a good idea. I just did not / could not understand why he was mad at me for being upset. I never agreed to no strings... that's just what he thought. I wanted no complications... I have enough to worry about to have to worry about a relationship but here I am !

An update... at first I was not supportive but now I am. I was angry at him because he had not told me he was living with her. Anyhow, once I got over that we decided to not see each other anymore but he would like to talk with me occasionally and asked me if that was OK. Not sure if this is a good idea if he is going to be trying to work on his relationship and why would he want to keep in touch?

A hundred red flags.step away from this.let him get on with his manipulative life.you deserve better.good luck

I can't see someone going through the trouble just to get some or would they??
Are you kidding? Men will travel for miles to get some. No trouble at all for us!

Anyhow, once I got over that we decided to not see each other anymore but he would like to talk with me occasionally and asked me if that was OK.
He is a liar and cheater, and that's a fact. Remember that. So its reasonable to assume he will do it again, especially if it worked before.

Not sure if this is a good idea if he is going to be trying to work on his relationship and why would he want to keep in touch?
It's a lousy idea to keep in contact, because if you do, you will get more of the same lying, and cheating, as you did before. Was the sex that great that you disconnected your brain?? Don't believe anything he says about his relationship, as his "lines" are standard for liars and cheaters. His G/F probably has no clue what he is up to and knows NOTHING!! How do you know he isn't married? ( Yeah right, he SAID he wasn't, sheeeeezz! )

Break off all contact with him whatsoever, and disappear from his life. It no longer matters what he says, It only matters what you do about what he has done, and sorry to be harsh, he used you to get his rocks off, and wants to do it again, as long as you let him. Your probably not his first "no strings attached" victim, nor will you be the last.

Pray for his g/f, and leave the lying cheating b@st@rd alone. This is a no-brainer!!

talaniman is giving you very sound advice.there s no point trying to secondguess this waste of spaces intentions he s bad news.

(HARSH POST WARNING)

2 weeks...

Wow u really give a s@@t about this person after two weeks??

He used you... He doesn't care about you. You were just another chick he was using...

My advice: Get a Life :mad:

If' he's been living under the same roof with her they've been having sex. Relationship or not.


You should seriously just never talk to this man ever again. You're already having complications that you don't want. And whether you like it or not, there is another woman in the picture. No matter what he tells you it is, there's still going to be issues between you two regarding her in the future if you do not look the other way.

A whole two weeks... is it called a relationship in that amount of time?

Basically, what I get from your post is this:
You two didn't want any strings attached
No commitment whatsoever
No thoughts about working toward marriage
And no living together

It was just sex. Sorry but you take all of that away and have sex after 2 weeks... that's all it was. He hasn't had sex with her in 4 years, he needed to get some!

He's a jerk. He has been with a woman for 14 years and no marriage. What? There's your reality check lady, he doesn't want a commitment at all. If he can't commit to a girl after 14 years, no wonder she wants out or is having an affair... wouldn't you?

Just move on. I promise there won't be no heartbreak on either side of this. Two weeks isn't long enough to make that kind of connection that would lead to heartbreak.

An update... at first I was not supportive but now I am. I was angry at him because he had not told me he was living with her. Anyhow, once I got over that we decided to not see each other anymore but he would like to talk with me occasionally and asked me if that was ok. Not sure if this is a good idea if he is going to be trying to work on his relationship and why would he want to keep in touch?

THREE WORDS:DANGER,WALK AWAY!

If you don't walk away RIGHT NOW,you will regret even meeting him.If you continue this poisonous affair,there'll be a time not too far away,you won't even talk about the two weeks in a good way.

Remember the fun YOU had in those two weeks,take that fun and walk away.Dont turn back even when you see him running behind you to get you back.These kind of men do that,just to make you question your decision.They make you feel guilty for turning your back on them,when actually they have nothing to offer themselves.

You'll be getting into BIG trouble.Get out of this.