Okay, I am 18 years old and the reason I bring up this topic is because you don't hear people talking about it very much, and its always been something that has bothered me very much. I used to wake up almost every night when I was 10-12 years old to my parents having sex; the walls would shake I could hear their moaning through the paper thin walls. I used to cry myself to sleep because I was so disturbed. To this day I believe I have OCD about hearing people have sex, its one of my deepest fears and if I even sleep in the same house with spouses or couples, I can't stop thinking I might hear someone having sex. I came across a post the other day about parent's opinion on their kids hearing them while they have sex, and a lot of them responded "Oh we don't care." Well I am telling you all this story if you claim "to not care" that your kids hear you having sex. It has psychologically made me fear sex because my first knowledge of sex was hearing my parents having sex. I am not saying that every child will end up like me, but its possible. Please parents maybe be a little more considerate of your kids, most of them know what your doing, and even if they don't express it, 99% of the time they are traumatized and think about it a lot the next day. I am just defending kids, because to you it might be just making love with someone you love I understand, but please understand what it can do to your children if they hear it. What are your opinions on this? Has anyone else been as traumatized as me because of this? And parents who don't think it's a big deal why?

Feel free to express your opinions on the anything to do with the matter of kids hearing parents having sex, I am merely sharing my negative experience with the issue to encourage some ideas on it.

If you are not going to counseling/therapy it might be a good start to help you overcome this.
I am not exactly sure how it fits in as OCD
It is definitely a phobia though.

I agree parents should not have an I don't care attitude.

If you are not going to counseling/therapy it might be a good start to help you overcome this.
I am not exactly sure how it fits in as OCD
it is definitely a phobia though.

I agree parents should not have an I don't care attitude.

Well maybe not as extreme as OCD, but I do often obsess about it. I have never heard of a phobia like this one before.

Yeah I am not sure I think most things are more of a OCD/phobia combination.

It's not "OCD". But, it might be a phobia. Do you go to any kind of therapy? Talking will help.

most of them know what your doing, and even if they don't express it, 99% of the time they are traumatized and think about it alot the next day. I am just defending kids, because to you it might be just making love with someone you love I understand, but please understand what it can do to your children if they hear it. What are your opinions on this? Hello white:

I don't doubt SOME kids are traumatized like you are, but MOST aren't. Parents have been making love around their children since we lived in caves. In fact, on another thread very similar to this one, a kid is concerned that he's TURNED ON by hearing his parents have sex...

I think THAT'S the norm, and you're not. Get some counseling. Sex is GREAAAAAT!

excon

Sex is a natural and wonderful thing that parents do. So the kids here it, why does that bother anyone, it is natural. And the idea of not expressing yourself, just laying there till it is done sort of of scares me more than being noisy so others may hear you.

I believe most kids hear it and care less, even know that means mom and dad are still in love with each other.

I believe this is a very minor issue for a very few people. If you still have issues as a adult over this, get counseling.

A healthy relationship includes sex, even after you have kids.

I have to agree with Excon and Chuck, it's natural, the phobia you're experiencing is not the norm, you need professional help.

I have a very open relationship with my kids. I kiss my husband in front of the, hug him, and even though the door is closed when we're having sex, I'm sure the kids hear us, I'm not exactly a quiet person.

They know they can come to me with any questions or concerns. They know that sex between a man and woman is natural and a way of showing love to one another.

Really, therapy is the key for your phobia because really, it's not normal for you to feel this way.

Good luck.

Sex is a natural and wonderful thing that parents do. So the kids here it, why does that bother anyone, it is natural. And the idea of not expressing yourself, just laying there till it is done sorta of scares me more than being noisy so others may hear you.

I beleive most kids hear it and care less, even know that means mom and dad are still in love with each other.

I beleive this is a very minor issue for a very few people. If you still have issues as a adult over this, get couseling.

I never said sex was a bad thing. I said hearing my parents having sex was a very negative experience for me, and I believe it is for any child. Why does it bother anyone? Because as a child its disturbing to hear your parents moaning and thrusting and hearing something so private. I have tried banging on walls etc to try and stop them, which I'm sorry I didn't mention.

I'm not quite sure what the relationship is between hearing your parents having sex and now being phobic about it. But granted, the mind can do strange things. It may have been that as a prepubescent female you were distressed by the moaning and this has remained with you.

Perhaps one of the things to think about is that your parents were enjoying themselves. They did not do this to distress or demean you, they did it because it is a healthy and natural part of a loving relationship. Imagine how much worse you would feel if you'd heard your father beating your mother or raping her?

I don't agree that 99% of children are traumatized by hearing their parents being sexual - they may be interested or embarrassed but to be traumatized is, I would suggest, rare.

Please get some counseling - I really believe that you will benefit from speaking to another person about this phobia of yours.

Hello white:

I don't doubt SOME kids are traumatized like you are, but MOST aren't. Parents have been making love around their children since we lived in caves. In fact, on another thread very similar to this one, a kid is concerned that he's TURNED ON by hearing his parents have sex...

I think THAT'S the norm, and you're not. Get some counseling. Sex is GREAAAAAT!

excon

Excon thank you for taking the time to reply. I don't think I'm normal at all, I understand I have a very serious issue. Excuse my use of the word "traumatized" for most kids, I think disturbed or disgusted may have been a little better I don't know. I just know that no child can benefit from hearing their parents have sex, and I don't believe any child is comfortable having to hear it. I never said sex isn't great did I say that? I am completely okay with sex or my parents having sex, but I don't want to hear others having sex. Why am I one of the few people on this website who is directly shunned from good advice and told to get counseling? I didn't think my problem was that serious... Ive seen worse.

A healthy relationship includes sex, even after you have kids.

I have to agree with excon and Chuck, it's natural, the phobia you're experiencing is not the norm, you need professional help.

I have a very open relationship with my kids. I kiss my husband in front of the, hug him, and even though the door is closed when we're having sex, I'm sure the kids hear us, I'm not exactly a quiet person.

They know they can come to me with any questions or concerns. They know that sex between a man and woman is natural and a way of showing love to one another.

Really, therapy is the key for your phobia because really, it's not normal for you to feel this way.

Good luck.

No I have no problem with sex or love, I didn't say that. I am in a very loving relationship I know what kissing and hugging and expressing physical love is, and its importance. I understand sex is love, and I'm sure your kids do, but I honestly don't believe hearing your parents have sex is something that affects a child's sexuality positively.

I have no idea whether hearing my parents have sex influenced MY sex life---but it sure influenced my MARRIAGE.

It is a healthy part of marriage to have sex. People have been doing it for CENTURIES--and for most of those centuries, they were doing it in the same room that their kids were in because that's what they had---a one-room shelter.

I also don't think that you are being shunned from good advice and told to get counseling. I think that most of the people responding to you completely disagree on your views of sex and marriage, and whether kids overhear their parents expressing a good aspect of both is distressing. Sure, it was embarrassing to hear my parents have sex--but it was also nice that my parents DID have sex, because that meant they still loved each other.

The reason counseling is suggested is because a professional counselor can help you work through any lingering issues you may have with what distressed you about your parents having sex. I suggest counseling to people all of the time. I think it's a highly underrated form of help, and that most people in their lifetimes would benefit from seeing one.

I can understand what you are saying.
My old boyfriend said that when he was 12 his mom ran from the shower to her bedroom with nothing on not knowing he was around.
It had pretty much the same impact on him.

We thought you took it harder than what you originally said though because we thought you meant like that it made you freaked out enough that you may not even want a relationship. Couldn't tell what degree it bothered you. I did think you were saying you have a fear of ever experiencing that again though,
A counselor may be helpful even if you don't think the problem is that serious like Synnen said

Why am I one of the few people on this website who is directly shunned from good advice and told to get counseling? I didn't think my problem was that serious... Ive seen worse.

I don't think you've been shunned at all from good advice. I think counseling is good advice for you. A lot of times we don't tell people what they want to hear, but what they need to hear.

I have no idea whether or not hearing my parents have sex influenced MY sex life---but it sure influenced my MARRIAGE.

It is a healthy part of marriage to have sex. People have been doing it for CENTURIES--and for most of those centuries, they were doing it in the same room that their kids were in because that's what they had---a one-room shelter.

I also don't think that you are being shunned from good advice and told to get counseling. I think that most of the people responding to you completely disagree on your views of sex and marriage, and whether or not kids overhear their parents expressing a good aspect of both is distressing. Sure, it was embarrassing to hear my parents have sex--but it was also nice that my parents DID have sex, because that meant they still loved each other.

The reason counseling is suggested is because a professional counselor can help you work through any lingering issues you may have with what distressed you about your parents having sex. I suggest counseling to people all of the time. I think it's a highly underrated form of help, and that most people in their lifetimes would benefit from seeing one.

Thank you for your help. But again, nobody is understanding me, its very frustrating. I never said I had anything against my parents having sex. I am not someone who was sheltered for the entirety of my life, I am well aware that sex is essential for a marriage, which everyone keeps stating I argued against this... I did not. Its children having to hear their parents having sex that I disagree with. You are a sexuality expert, can you honestly tell me a child's sexuality is affected in a positive way when they experience hearing their parents have sex? I understand when your parents have sex that its because they love one another, but can a young child understand that? If a child is not very educated about sex, do you think it's a positive experience if they can hear something as private as their parents having sex? I know I, maybe not other children felt confused and disgusting myself, like I was somehow involved in this sexual experience because I was forced to listen to it, and it was something private that should have stayed between my parents and I shouldn't have been a part of. I'm sorry but I feel as if nobody is understanding me, so you think it is all right for parents to have sex so loudly that children can hear it. And do you think children always are passive about it and it doesn't affect them in any way over the years? I believe children aren't so passive about this, unlike everyone here, who somehow think children are affected positively by hearing their parents have sex. I feel like I cannot agree with this point of view what so ever.

I agree with you I think if I went through that it would leave a lasting effect on me. Thing is what do you think you need to do about it now to get over it? Or do you think it is just something that is going to affect you the rest of your life? I am not sure what answers you are looking for other than knowing others have went through this to and see it the same as you.

How did you know they were having sex at such a young age... as you said you were not very educated about sex. You heard them... you did not see them. I just don't understand how it could have traumatized (sp?) you that mutch.

Thank you for your help. But again, nobody is understanding me, its very frustrating. I never said I had anything against my parents having sex. I am not someone who was sheltered for the entirety of my life, I am well aware that sex is essential for a marriage, which everyone keeps stating I argued against this... I did not. Its children having to hear their parents having sex that I disagree with. You are a sexuality expert, can you honestly tell me a child's sexuality is affected in a positive way when they experience hearing their parents have sex? I understand when your parents have sex that its because they love one another, but can a young child understand that? If a child is not very educated about sex, do you think its a positive experience if they can hear something as private as their parents having sex? I know I, maybe not other children felt confused and disgusting myself, like I was somehow involved in this sexual experience because I was forced to listen to it, and it was something private that should have stayed between my parents and I shouldn't have been a part of. I'm sorry but I feel as if nobody is understanding me, so you think it is alright for parents to have sex so loudly that children can hear it. And do you think children always are passive about it and it doesn't affect them in any way over the years? I beleive children aren't so passive about this, unlike everyone here, who somehow think children are affected positively by hearing their parents have sex. I feel like I cannot agree with this point of view what so ever.

You can't agree with it because it hasn't been your experience and you're very intent on believing that your experience must be everyone's experience. Well it's not.

Your parents had sex very loudly and you hated it. That's fair enough. That's your experience.

I think that we all hear you're distressed, disturbed and traumatized by your experience. Well, now do something about it.

Go and speak with someone that can help you understand your distress and trauma and deal with it. You don't have to carry this with you for the rest of your life.

You had no choice about hearing your parents having sex, you do have a choice about how you will deal with the distress that you feel.

You I agree with you.I wouldn't like it if I hear my parents having sex. It would mentally affect me. But I think it depends on each ones liking.

From an anthropological point of view I have to say that this is a very Victorian point of view.

Excon made a good point when he said parents had been having sex in ear shot of their kids since the stone age.

I would be very interested in understanding why you viewed this as such a negative thing. Unless as such a small child you were convinced that they were hurting one another and that influenced your sexual ideals. That's possible.

I do however have to say that your statement about it being abnormal for a child is completely wrong. Historically family groups slept in large open rooms with only very thin dividers, if any, and not every child in history was disturbed.

Honestly as a parent I would be pretty pissed if a person of your opinion told my child this. That may be the issue here as well.

Mind you I am not attacking you or telling you to go get counseling. I think plenty of younger children don't have the proper grasp of a sexual adult relationship and being exposed to it in the wrong way CAN traumatize them. I would feel safe assuming that your parents didn't respect how you felt about it, OR take the time to talk to you about it and be open, thus the banging on the walls. That was a failure on your parents part. And it has effected you as an adult sexually.

It's unfair, but having this opinion certainly doesn't make you insane, just of another mind set. I'd still be pissed if you told that to my child and traumatized them in the same way you were though.

To take such a Victorian stance about family and sexuality and say that basic human nature, and certainly hearing adults have sex is one way of knowing that this is a normal function. Kind of like hearing dad pee in the bathroom with the door closed. It just happens. It's not dirty or wrong, but a natural part of the reproductive process to engage your partner sexually.

I would MUCH rather my child overhear my husband and I making love than learn about sex from another venue like porn. That's MY point. In this day and age our children are over exposed and much too early. I would rather it be in a controlled loving family home environment than via a tape or magazine or some other ghastly website. I'd rather my child question me than think all sex is like a video.

Here is a poiunt to ponder... I'm willing to bet many times you assumed it was sex, it likely wasn't. Besides, would YOU give up sex just because there is a child in the house? If so, I feel sorry for your spouse. I mean if one or both of them are screamers, THEN consider it when kids are away from the house... otherwise what goes on behind closed doors is perfectly fine and normal.

Which do you think would be more traumatizing... a few sounds behind closed doors of unknown origin? Or one parent physically abusing the other in front of them?

Chey's point that the parents are the ones who allowed a natural thing to become traumatic needs expansion. Had they taught their children that loving one's partner included touching and kissing and making love and even having sex (get your minds out of my gutter) then this young lady would not be battling a budding neurosis now. Good luck to you, white rose, and try to raise your children better than you were, just as I do every day.

I think we fear what we don't understand and hearing your parents may have frightened you,possibly thinking they were hurting each other.I think the trauma is more one of the fear of that than the actual act of sex.
That fear may be what you are unable to let go of and understanding that is half the problem solved.

I had (or have) the same problem. I completely understand that it is normal and a healthy factor of life for adults and our parents to have sex, and that it is an important part of any relationship. However, like you, I too witnessed my father & my step-mother having sex when I was the age of 12. It was before they were married, and I heard them when I was "sleeping". Their moaning had woken me, and I was genuinely scared. For some reason it really upset me, and I was emotionally ruined by this. It may have something to do with the fact that after that night, it continued. Over and over, I would wake up and hear them having sex. Since I was so young, I didn't realize what I was really getting into when I talked to my dad about it. I asked him if he could "quiet down" and he looked mortified. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but it was really bothering me to hear them almost every night.

As I got older, it continued, but it got worse and worse. We'd go camping, set up a tent-trailer, and as I slept on the floor, them in the bed, they'd go at it in the middle of the night. Clearly this woke me up as I was pretty much right beside them, and the trailer was even moving. When we were back at home, every weekend (some week days) I'd wake up hearing them. I don't know if it's because I'm paranoid so I'm automatically tuned to wake up when I hear them, or if it's because I'm a light sleeper. Either way, I've heard them way too many times to count.

Then a few years ago, we went on vacation, and I heard them whispering to one another in the early morning in the same hotel room that I slept in. They had one bed and I shared the other with my step-sister. She slept through everything, but I was afraid of them realizing I was awake and listening so I tried to fall back asleep. It didn't work. I didn't want to breathe loudly, I didn't want to swallow, I didn't want to make any sort of noise at all that would alert them of my being awake. I was very ashamed, and knew that it was private, but I couldn't go back to sleep because I was so scared.

Then it happened again, while on another vacation. Then again, but they were actually having sex this time. Even today, they continue to be very, let's say, un-subtle. I walked in on them in the middle of the day on the couch in the living room. I walked in on them again when they were sitting together and my dad was feeling up my step-mom. It occurs so much, that I'm literally deeply, and emotionally scarred and disturbed. It has really affected my views on sex and the way I see them.

I'm 18 now as well, and I still haven't had sex because I'm extremely terrified of it. I know that it's normal, healthy (in some ways) and whatnot but I'm so deeply wounded from everything I've witnessed that I can't see past it. My 16-year old step-sister just started having sex with her boyfriend, and when I found her birth control pills I got very nauseous and a bit frustrated that she was sexually active. All of the kids I grew up with have had sex - all of my friends, etc. It's really bothering me a lot. I can't seem to get over it, even though I know I need to. I don't know how, and I've tried talking to a therapist about how to improve this strange condition but she says I will grow out of it. I don't think she understands the severity of my disturbance.

I know that parents need to have a sex-life and they should, because as you get older, it becomes more important to keep that aspect of your life alive. However, I'm so scarred and wounded from my past that I don't know what to do about it. It's getting out of control, and ruining my own personal relationships with not only men in my life, but friends, family, pretty much any social contact I have. I can't view anything normally anymore. I'm wondering if it's really a psychological issue.

Most definitely psycological... keep in mind that most of the world will have sex... except for a very few. Its all in your mind. THe fact YOU are the one having problems coming to terms with this says it might be in your best interest to get counseling now while you are still young and have time to have a normal sex life rather than leaving the irrational fears unaddressed for any longer.

how did you know they were having sex at such a young age...as you said you were not very educated about sex. you heard them...you did not see them. I just dont understand how it could have traumatized (sp?) you that mutch.

I said I wasn't very educated about sex, but I still knew they were having sex.

I had (or have) the same problem. I completely understand that it is normal and a healthy factor of life for adults and our parents to have sex, and that it is an important part of any relationship. However, like you, I too witnessed my father & my step-mother having sex when I was the age of 12. It was before they were married, and I heard them when I was "sleeping". Their moaning had woken me, and I was genuinely scared. For some reason it really upset me, and I was emotionally ruined by this. It may have something to do with the fact that after that night, it continued. Over and over, I would wake up and hear them having sex. Since I was so young, I didn't realize what I was really getting into when I talked to my dad about it. I asked him if he could "quiet down" and he looked mortified. I didn't mean to make him feel bad, but it was really bothering me to hear them almost every night.

As I got older, it continued, but it got worse and worse. We'd go camping, set up a tent-trailer, and as I slept on the floor, them in the bed, they'd go at it in the middle of the night. Clearly this woke me up as I was pretty much right beside them, and the trailer was even moving. When we were back at home, every weekend (some week days) I'd wake up hearing them. I don't know if it's because I'm paranoid so I'm automatically tuned to wake up when I hear them, or if it's because I'm a light sleeper. Either way, I've heard them way too many times to count.

Then a few years ago, we went on vacation, and I heard them whispering to one another in the early morning in the same hotel room that I slept in. They had one bed and I shared the other with my step-sister. She slept through everything, but I was afraid of them realizing I was awake and listening so I tried to fall back asleep. It didn't work. I didn't want to breathe loudly, I didn't want to swallow, I didn't want to make any sort of noise at all that would alert them of my being awake. I was very ashamed, and knew that it was private, but I couldn't go back to sleep because I was so scared.

Then it happened again, while on another vacation. Then again, but they were actually having sex this time. Even today, they continue to be very, let's say, un-subtle. I walked in on them in the middle of the day on the couch in the living room. I walked in on them again when they were sitting together and my dad was feeling up my step-mom. It occurs so much, that I'm literally deeply, and emotionally scarred and disturbed. It has really affected my views on sex and the way I see them.

I'm 18 now as well, and I still haven't had sex because I'm extremely terrified of it. I know that it's normal, healthy (in some ways) and whatnot but I'm so deeply wounded from everything I've witnessed that I can't see past it. My 16-year old step-sister just started having sex with her boyfriend, and when I found her birth control pills I got very nauseous and a bit frustrated that she was sexually active. All of the kids I grew up with have had sex - all of my friends, etc. It's really bothering me a lot. I can't seem to get over it, even though I know I need to. I don't know how, and I've tried talking to a therapist about how to improve this strange condition but she says I will grow out of it. I don't think she understands the severity of my disturbance.

I know that parents need to have a sex-life and they should, because as you get older, it becomes more important to keep that aspect of your life alive. However, I'm so scarred and wounded from my past that I don't know what to do about it. It's getting out of control, and ruining my own personal relationships with not only men in my life, but friends, family, pretty much any social contact I have. I can't view anything normally anymore. I'm wondering if it's really a psychological issue.

Yes your situation was a lot like mine, its good to know that there is someone else out there who feels like me and can see my point of view. I'm an eighteen year old girl as well, and merely hearing my parents having sex over my life has mentally disturbed me and tainted my views on sex, your parents seem worse. And you said, "She says I will grow out of it. I don't think she understands the severity of my disturbance." That's the response I get from people 99% of the time. Like here, despite the fact some of it was great advice, they try to downplay the effects it has on some children because they probably have sex while their kids can hear it, and their kids have "turned out fine." My parents think I have turned out fine as well, because I have, well except with sexuality. See sex is a good thing, but having sex so other people can hear it is disrespectful and inconsiderate, I don't care if your 2 years old or 55 nobody wants to hear other's having sex! Especially people that are more close to you than anyone else, your parents.

I am the same way... I used to hear it a lot and it would disturb me, I remember that happened when I was having a sleep over... omg...

I am paranoid about it to... I won't live with another person because I don't want to hear it... I live with my boyfriend so its not a problem, but yeah... It freaks me out too...

I totally know what you mean. I've heard it so many times and I do think it's inconsiderate to the child especially if you are blatantly still awake or if you have friends over (which has happened twice now" it's really embarrassing and I don't feel comfortable having friends to sleep over anymore because they definitely don't want to hear that. They also always make a big deal about me going out and not doing school work and then when i come back home I get woken up in the middle of the night. I'm perfectly happy to get out of the house especially if it means not having to hear. It hasn't had any "lasting effects" but since I'm still living with my parents I would really like some advice on how to deal with it.

You seem convinced that your childhood was traumatized by hearing the love making of your parents. I think that's pretty lame, and I don't think they are to blame. I suspect that if that is something that you haven't come to grips with at your age, you may want to seriously consider seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

When I think of trauma in childhood, I think of children in war zones, watching their parents being blown to bits, and schools hit with rocket attacks, and the young dying every day because they don't have clean water or enough food to sustain life itself. I think of those children of soldiers who's fathers and mothers have died in war, and the trauma of being old enough to understand at an early age that death comes at the hand of violence in the street, in the home, and in the workplace. Have you read about Fort Hood? I wonder if the lives of the children left behind have been traumatized by their parents deaths at the hands of a madman.

So you heard your parents making love. So freaking what!! Get over yourself, and realize that if you have a problem, it is your problem, not theirs. Do what you have to do and deal with it, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't mean to be insensitive but I do believe that hearing your parents have sex, is more of a positive experience than a negative if any at all. The fact that you are putting so much thought into the fact that your parents had sex and having negative reaction to it is telling me that you are having more deep rooted sexual problems that you make out.

I think blaming your parents for your problems is the inconsiderate thing to do. I would also go as far as to say that you would have this problem whether you heard your parents have sex, you would just blame it on something else. It's not the norm but it's not wrong not to like sex. Stop blaming your problems on your parents and get to the root of the problem.

Okay well am going through the same experience and damn its tough.. thinking that your going to hear your parents moaning every second is SICK!
I mean I don't like sleeping anymore.. so that I won't have to go through the thinking process...
I totally get the whole "crying yourself to sleep"
I did that to.. still do it
One Question:
Did you by any chance get over it?
Or does it still hurt ?

Bloomzii--how old are you, that you're still living with your parents?

Am 16!
And yup living with my parents !
I can't see the point out of your question!

The point of my question is this: You are posting in ADULT sexuality.

You are not an adult.

Please refrain from posting in Adult Sexuality until you ARE an adult.

Any further posts from you on the adult sexuality boards will be deleted.

Because you need to be over 18 to post on this board for obvious reasons ;)