Entire story merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Hi.

Me and my Fiancé have a great relationship. We talk openly, enjoy each others company and do small things to make each other feel special. What I am scared about is I am having doubts about our compatibility regardless if things are going great or not.

There are differences in our preferred lifestyle.

Me : Loves hiking. Would rather explore new caves than go clubbing. Staying home and watching a movie or cook.

Her : Loves clubbing, visiting friends and not stay at home. She does enjoy it once in a while, watching a movie or cook with me.

But this is what is scaring me. We are doing more of what I want to do, and less of what she wants to do. We do go hiking together, and we do go clubbing together. The problem is, when we do go clubbing, I spend my time at the bar, drinking the night away. She spends her time on the dance floor so we see each other on such a night about 5 minutes maybe.

I simply have no desire to dance. Never had. Kind of a metal person. Truth be told, the clubs we go to irritate the living hell out of me. But I hold my pose well. The point is, I just started the process of telling her we are doing this and this, which is what I know she likes and wants because I started feeling guilty that we do too much what I want to do.

The other problem is, in my past I use to do a lot of LSD, some KAT and lots of pot. When we met, she was using KAT and pot. I was clean for a month or two, only smoking a joint in the past 5 years and no other substances.

I knew I had to say no, but I lit one up with her, and now we are still smoking a joint every now and then. I feel I have had a positive effect on her life, as she use to smoke daily, and since she met me, she only does it once or twice a week. As for the KAT, I told her one night that it has to stop. It was making her emotional beyond which is normal. It always completely takes away her sex drive for days on end and creates great over reactions for minor misunderstandings.

She tried to quit, and did for a month or two, then she started seeing her old friends again. So it started all over again. But she kept it from me, but I soon confronted her telling her all the signs are back. So she confessed. This broke my trust. I am trying to support her through this, but another month or two passed then it spoiled an entire romantic evening. She kept it from me again, and I made an entire romantic evening for us. Instead of being happy she started crying and then confessed she used it again. On a guilt trip the entire evening was a mess. I did not get mad, I only told her I do not like it and I want it out of her life because of this. Guilt trips, emotional outbursts etc.

So I am confused. She told me she will outgrow it, which in turn I said is BS, because you do not simply outgrow addictions. She refuses it is an addiction and says it is an escape and she needs it. Like I said before, I have experimented with a lot of things in my life, and simply do not understand how this crap can be addictive. It makes you talkative, and that is about all. OK So maybe a small buzz. Who cares.

I don't know. I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then it's a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself I can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and I am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day I sit there tell her what's on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say I do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and I keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But I have doubts. Lol

I tell myself it is due to her previous relationships where she had abusive boyfriends who manipulated her, abused her etc. Her mother told me she has never has a decent boyfriend in her life. So I don't know.

Truth is I still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But I am scared I will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... I am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.

What do you people think.

It is difficult for a relationship when the trust goes, but if you really love her and it sounds like you do. This trust was broken by an addiction which takes over and makes you do things your ashamed of, and its this shame that I think led to you not being told. It will be a hard road gettng someone of drugs they have to want to do it. But she hasn't been unfaithful I wouldn't worry about that happening. Just concentrate on breaking the drug addiction with support if you can.

I will. I am confident I can help her get through this. It just takes a lot of energy out of me, considering I am struggling with my own addiction at the moment, and recently realized a few other things. For instance the thread about our sex lives. Lets just pray I stay strong enough to support us both, working out my issues, while supporting her through her issues.

It would be very selfish of me, to give up now.

I hope you manage to stay strong. You could do with some support for your addiction but you may be getting already,

No support for my addiction. Wanted to share it with my partner again but it became obvious I am alone on this one. Every time I just try to talk about it she changes the subject.

It is because she feels responsible and if I talk about it she assumes I am blaming her. But so far it is going good. I will manage. She on the other hand told me she doesn't want to quit.

So I am on the fence whether should I be patient or run away. Meditate on this I must.

It seems you like her a lot and it is very selfless of your part to help her like that. Nonetheless, she needs real professional help as it is an addiction she has. I have seen countless friends go into this path and then never get out of it even with "harmless" drugs such as pot. You need to get her to a specialist one way or another.

Of course you're suspicious--she's went behind your back more than once, partaking in drugs she knows you don't agree with.

The trust has been broken.

I admire your willingness to keep trying, but "talking this out" simply isn't going to cut it. She needs professional help, as one posted earlier. And this process is going to take time: relapses, emotional outburts, and other things of that nature. Are you prepared for that? If so, and she is willing to get help, you guys might have a chance. If she doesn't want to get help, and I would sincerely consider looking somewhere else for love.

You said you have doubts about her opening up in the future: if you have doubts now, I wouldn't ignore them. Be realistic, and be sure to know when your energy of trying to make things work with her has expired, or you'll be running in heartbreaking circles for a long time.

Good luck.

...
Truth is i still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But i am scared i will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... i am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.....

You can't save her. Her addiction has a path and she is on it. It's more than any drug; it's a lifestyle. Being an addict, you understand that.

Happy relationships exist between people who have very different tastes, opposite politics, even different religions. Although you can't make a clubber into a hiker at heart, happily married couples accommodate their partner's differences. They pay attention to each other and notice what hurts or heals the other. They give wholeheartedly of themselves in the service of their mate's fulfillment. But once you introduce serious drug use, the presence of mind goes to the substance and not to the other. Challenge that, and you become the obstacle to scoring.

You probably can stick this out for a while, but there is nothing in your narrative that says you have the ability to transform this situation into one that won't break your heart. Since she is lying and confessing to you, she sees you as the authorities, not her playmate (This doesn't mean in all ways, necessarily, but regarding her next high). It would take the two of you together to fight your way out, one or more great therapists, both of you bottoming out and being ready, a good support group, and possibly several years on a roller coaster. Are you up for that?

If you really love her, then think deeply about what you are prepared to endure in order to be the bast catalyst for her and for your own recovery. It might be refusal, separation, insistence, blameless distancing, non-judgmental witnessing, and/or a dozen other ways of taking a stand for your mutual liberation from drugs. Deal with your own addiction. You can only be a force for healing if you are doing your own.

If you look within and find that your love doesn't go that deep, do both her and yourself a favor and make a gentlemanly exit. Do it right. Do it honorably, courageously, honestly. Give her the experience of a person leaving with integrity. While very hard to do, this can be done. Succeed and you help both of you move to the next steps in your lives.


Tao

I agree with the other posters as well. She does need professional help, but the first step to getting help for a problem is admitting you have a problem and wanting to get help for it, right?
She says she doesn't want to quit. She is abusing your trust for her and going behind your back. You also pointed out that she is very loving and caring for you. I have to disagree. If she 'loves' you she would be trying to help you help her with this addiction. If she "cares' for you, she would would not ignore you when you try to talk to her about stuff.
There are a lot of issues here. You love her enough to do all of this for her; but does she love you enough to do the same for you? Don't get married until you are sure... good luck!

Thank you all for the comments. I have decided I will stick it out for a few more months as I have seen some progress over time, especially last night and I am starting to believe there might be a happy and loving outcome.

PS. We had a great time last night clubbing. So I concur taoplr that there can be happiness in our differences. She even insisted we go hiking tomorrow.

Thank you all for the comments. I have decided i will stick it out for a few more months as i have seen some progress over time, especially last night and i am starting to believe there might be a happy and loving outcome.

PS. We had a great time last night clubbing. So i concur taoplr that there can be happiness in our differences. She even insisted we go hiking tomorrow.

and from post #1:

I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then its a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself i can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and i am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day i sit there tell her whats on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say i do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and i keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But i have doubts. lol

There is something noble about your decision, or maybe misguided. Time will tell.

You would be wise to examine your motives—besides what you experience as love—day to day, and to trust your intuition as you gain experience with her. What story is running in the back of your mind that gets you to think that you have the horsepower to transform things for two people who are frequent users, one of whom displays hostile behavior when high? You are telling yourself that you can get the two of you through this and one hopes that you succeed. But be real: what are your chances?

That's not to say that you shouldn't give it a full-hearted try. Just go into it with your eyes open; keep a core part of yourself to yourself, detached from all this, centered and grounded in your own being.

You know addiction. Addicts will say and do anything to hide and sustain their dependence. You will wonder if she is playing you for a long time. At the very least, she is motivated to deceive you, a caring friend who wants her to end her addiction. This is going to take a lot of love, discipline, smarts, energy, and most of all, stamina.

Bottom line: Go for it, because that's what is in you to do. Get professional help asap. Being in therapy will make a huge difference. Establish clear boundaries, limits of drug use, partying, indulgent behavior, and abuse. She will breach some or all of them.( Addicts don't accept other people's boundaries.) Decide how may times you will forgive her and how far you will take this commitment. Once you reach your limit, move. If you pull this off, you will have done something extraordinary. Maybe you both can grow and have a life together.

If you fail, or hit your limit and bail, immediately forgive both of you. I am sure you will have done everything you could. No denial. No blame. Move on with your life.

My hope is that through the ups and downs to come, you will be pleasantly surprised to feel the wind gently pressing at your back.

Tao

Tough spot and I can relate to quite a bit of it. Trust is not the only thing your relationship is lacking. It sounds like communications are down too. K isn't physically addictive, neither is LSD or pot. So a lot of these posters are assuming that this "addiction" is in full control. I see a different situation here.

I see a girl who likes to party. Since you aren't opposed, you partake with her on occasion, but ultimately you sound ready to grow up a bit. She doesn't. I'm not saying using these drugs is only partying by the way. Anyone who needs to party this hard on a regular basis has some "issues" in life. However, these drugs are not even on the same planet as Heroin, Coke or Meth.

She's going to have to grow out of this all by herself. You can either continue to hang on for the ride which will become less and less enjoyable or cut ties now before you really get hurt. An earlier poster hit the nail on the head. She sees you as some kind of authority in her life instead of a partner in crime. She's looking for a partner in crime right now. As you become more worried, she will become more resentful.

Since you used to party a bit yourself. Remember any "older" girls weathered pretty hard by drug use still hanging out with kids a bit younger than them? All that partying wears people down. Some see it early and break away and become true adults. Others get stuck in perpetual childhood and become a joke to everyone.

It's impossible to predict which road she will go down, but for your own sanity, you may want to think about how well this girl really fits into a mature healthy life.

Tough spot and I can relate to quite a bit of it. Trust is not the only thing your relationship is lacking. It sounds like communications are down too. K isn't physically addictive, neither is LSD or pot. So a lot of these posters are assuming that this "addiction" is in full control. I see a different situation here.

I see a girl who likes to party. Since you aren't opposed, you partake with her on occasion, but ultimately you sound ready to grow up a bit. She doesn't. I'm not saying using these drugs is only partying by the way. Anyone who needs to party this hard on a regular basis has some "issues" in life. However, these drugs are not even on the same planet as Heroin, Coke or Meth.

She's going to have to grow out of this all by herself. You can either continue to hang on for the ride which will become less and less enjoyable or cut ties now before you really get hurt. An earlier poster hit the nail on the head. She sees you as some kind of authority in her life instead of a partner in crime. She's looking for a partner in crime right now. As you become more worried, she will become more resentful.

Since you used to party a bit yourself. Remember any "older" girls weathered pretty hard by drug use still hanging out with kids a bit younger than them? All that partying wears people down. Some see it early and break away and become true adults. Others get stuck in perpetual childhood and become a joke to everyone.

It's impossible to predict which road she will go down, but for your own sanity, you may want to think about how well this girl really fits into a mature healthy life.

Inertia,

I agree with you that her addiction isn't to any particular drug. It's to a way of escaping. Her behavior when she's lit says it's deeper than lifestyle. She's got some chemistry going on.

LJDK has quite a project on his hands. If he can become an adult, maybe she will be inspired. Longshot but possible.

Tao

Now we are still smoking a joint every now and then.


What a mixed signal you send, and how very pompous of you to choose her drug of choice for her. Your both at different stages in your life, and if you want to tell someone its not okay to do drugs, you must lead by example. Not merely tolerate what's okay with you.

You had your thing, that you have overcome, and grown to be responsible within in the limits you set for yourself, but don't expect the same for her, as that just ain't fair.

We all have our own timetable, and the way we process things, so lighten up and enjoy the journey, or quit! Don't try to control, but teach, and guide if your about being better and happy.

The good thing is, I think you see that, and are trying.

Don't try to control, but teach, and guide if your about being better and happy.

[/B]

If you can pull this off, more power to you. I had become controlling in this respect. I didn't mean to be, but my patience reached its limit. Like I said, tough spot.

Hi.

Me and my Fiance have a great relationship. We talk openly, enjoy each others company and do small things to make each other feel special. What i am scared about is i am having doubts about our compatibility regardless if things are going great or not.

There are differences in our preferred lifestyle.

Me : Loves hiking. Would rather explore new caves than go clubbing. Staying home and watching a movie or cook.

Her : Loves clubbing, visiting friends and not stay at home. She does enjoy it once in a while, watching a movie or cook with me.

But this is what is scaring me. We are doing more of what i want to do, and less of what she wants to do. We do go hiking together, and we do go clubbing together. The problem is, when we do go clubbing, i spend my time at the bar, drinking the night away. She spends her time on the dance floor so we see each other on such a night about 5 minutes maybe.

I simply have no desire to dance. Never had. Kind of a metal person. Truth be told, the clubs we go to irritate the living hell out of me. But i hold my pose well. The point is, i just started the process of telling her we are doing this and this, which is what i know she likes and wants because i started feeling guilty that we do too much what i want to do.

The other problem is, in my past i use to do a lot of LSD, some KAT and lots of pot. When we met, she was using KAT and pot. I was clean for a month or two, only smoking a joint in the past 5 years and no other substances.

I knew i had to say no, but i lit one up with her, and now we are still smoking a joint every now and then. I feel i have had a positive effect on her life, as she use to smoke daily, and since she met me, she only does it once or twice a week. As for the KAT, i told her one night that it has to stop. It was making her emotional beyond which is normal. It always completely takes away her sex drive for days on end and creates great over reactions for minor misunderstandings.

She tried to quit, and did for a month or two, then she started seeing her old friends again. So it started all over again. But she kept it from me, but i soon confronted her telling her all the signs are back. So she confessed. This broke my trust. I am trying to support her through this, but another month or two passed then it spoiled an entire romantic evening. She kept it from me again, and i made an entire romantic evening for us. Instead of being happy she started crying and then confessed she used it again. On a guilt trip the entire evening was a mess. I did not get mad, i only told her i do not like it and i want it out of her life because of this. Guilt trips, emotional outbursts etc.

So i am confused. She told me she will outgrow it, which in turn i said is BS, because you do not simply outgrow addictions. She refuses it is an addiction and says it is an escape and she needs it. Like i said before, i have experimented with a lot of things in my life, and simply do not understand how this crap can be addictive. It makes you talkative, and that is about all. ok So maybe a small buzz. Who cares.

I don't know. I love this girl with all my heart, she is very loving and caring towards me as well, but the moment she uses that stuff, she no longer has time of day for me. Then its a cycle of 5 day emotional regret and guilt, she gets irritated at me for no reason, snaps at me etc. I am trying my best to not let it get to me. I keep telling myself i can get us through this. I can get her through this. But its getting harder and harder, and i am struggling to trust her in any sense at the moment for the simple fact that she withheld this from me. I now feel if she could have withheld this, how easy would it be to with hold flings etc.

I really want to make this work between us. I try my best. I always want to talk things out, but she usually has an enormous fit, starts yelling she is not in the mood to talk, she is tired etc. So at the end of the day i sit there tell her whats on my mind and never get any feedback from her. OK lets say i do once in a while. But no more than 20% of the time.

I want to make this work with her, and i keep telling myself she will reach a point where she will be more open towards me. But i have doubts. lol

I tell myself it is due to her previous relationships where she had abusive boyfriends who manipulated her, abused her etc. Her mother told me she has never has a decent boyfriend in her life. So i don't know.

Truth is i still have a lot of energy and willingness to go on trying. But i am scared i will end up burned, tired and depleted of all energy. I just love her a lot and do not want to lose her over a stupid drug addiction. But the trust thing is harder now... i am always suspicious, and its driving me up the wall.

What do you people think.
This sounds aweful coming from an advice site, but if I were you I'd ring someone like the Samaritans or Frank. Or, buy a book on addiction/drug use and read it. There will be things in there that you do already by instinct, and there will be things in there that you haven't thought of which will help no end. I did the same for my ex with a different issue. We still split because she wore me down then didn't realise how dead I was, and thought I didn't love her anymore - I was so down I wasn't sure either. Watch out for yourself, as well as her. If you burn, she'll hopefully be OK again by that point, and you need to make her realise that it's all OK - you just need her to be there for you for a bit and all will be fine. Tricky business are up's and down's, but navigate wisely and it's possible I reckon. Good luck.

Look around and try to find some things you both like that you haven't thought about doing.
There's more than clubbing and hiking. Maybe find a club that feels more comfortable to you.

I agree she may not be addicted to anything but using it as an excuse to do because she wants to. Tell her that if it isn't an addiction then it should be easier to stop and it would mean more to you than she can imagine.

You have to look at all the pros and cons as well as all your options and come up with something.

My wife is married to an alcoholic/addict. Yes, that was an admission. You see, my addiction didn't hit overdrive until I started having back problems, eventually surgery. All that did was give me validation for the drugs. I'm clean and sober today though, only through the love of a GREAT woman, GOD obviously, and detox, rehab, and AA/NA. The twelve steps are there for a reason, and they work. But, this isn't about me, I just wanted to give you my history so you'd know I have EXPERIENCE. Tears, pills, hangovers, throwing up in the bathroom at work, on,and on, and on, I could go with my EXPERIENCE, the one thing you can be sure of with an addiction is: they get worse, like a wildfire out of control, they need containment, and fast. YOU should try Alanon,or Naranon, it's for family members of alcoholics and addicts. There are meetings everywhere, it's free,and anonymous. My wife goes , and it's truly helped. Once she sees that you're going, it may open her eyes.

I had to look up "KAT", as I wasn't aware of what it was. Is it addictive? You can be addicted to chocolate... so... It's obviously posing a problem...

The most important thing is that SHE needs to understand that she has a problem. Only then, will things begin to get better. Good luck to you, and keep coming back. Send me a private message if you need some more answers.

Considering that she is your fiancée now, you both must have accepted each other's lifestyles already. I think it would be unfair to hope for any type of change at this point.

Thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although I might be having second thoughts at times, I made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can I quit.

She does see me as some sort of authority and I can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something I have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

What I am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where I come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. Funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then I realize I still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least I am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely I can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night I am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now I tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as I enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

That's a clear, courageous decision. You might declare it to her as a commitment that you will be there unless she tells you it's over, which she could do by choosing her habit over you.As I rote earlier, it will be hard for her to put you first, but there's a chance.

She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

This raises an important point. If you are to be a force for sobriety, you will need to set boundaries (limits) regarding acceptable behavior (how you treat each other), nights out clubbing (Yer not 18 no more, dude) amounts of drugs (your goal is near zero; hers has no shape yet), and consistently reinforce them. She will repeatedly test those boundaries and see you as both a pain in the butt for holding to them (the authorities) and a source of stability, comfort, and safety for being reliable with them. (a beacon)

At the same time,"going with the flow," which you state is not your greatest skill, is necessary. To lead the two of you toward addiction's exit door, you need to join with her first, mentally and emotionally, and then move yourself toward the door. You have already been doing both of those: joining with her and planning your separation from substance abuse. To the degree that she is attuned to you, she will follow. You will walk a fine line between pacing (moving in synch with her) and leading (changing the pattern). If you lose her, or when she relapses (not "if") your first action must be to go back to pacing. You can't pull her out of the pattern she is in by yanking on her from above, from some superior position, but you can move shoulder-to-shoulder as a gentle leader-follower pair. If she also makes the commitment, there will be times in which she might lead.

What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.

To traverse this terrain, you will need rest and nourishment. Some of that can come from a few of my favorite authors:

This blogger is a close friend of mine. Greg and I grew up together. We think alike:

Brodsky’s Better Being Blog (http://brodskygroup.com/blog)

and

senseofbalance2002 (http://brodskygroup.com/TCC/senseofbalance12_02.htm)

If you are tense when you drive: tccdriving (http://brodskygroup.com/TCC/tccdriving.htm)

This will tell you about love:

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love (9780375709227): Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books (http://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948114&sr=1-1)


Any book by this author will save you hundreds of hours spent in unnecessary anguish:

Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/Byron-Katie/e/B001H6S8B4/ref=ep_sprkl_at_B001H6S8B4?pf_rd_p=482609291&pf_rd_s=auto-sparkle&pf_rd_t=301&pf_rd_i=byron%20katie&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0PDAM6H22NNM4141P1TH)


You might be chronologically too young for this next book, but it will help you address what you are dealing with:

Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (9781592402076): James Hollis: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Second-Half-Life/dp/1592402070/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948155&sr=1-1)


Both of you will benefit from Tolle's perspective:

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) (9780452289963): Eckhart Tolle: Books (http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948189&sr=1-1)


The generosity of your heart will be reflected in this great book:

Amazon.com: The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property (9780099273226): Lewis Hyde: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Imagination-Erotic-Life-Property/dp/0099273225/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948246&sr=1-1)

That's a lot to think about. You will need it and more. Yes, growing up is hard work. The alternative is a living hell in which your body matures, but your mind stays in the past, never finding the truth of your existence, never "getting it." Fortunately, you don't have to do that.

tao

thank you all for the inspiration and approval. Means a bunch.
Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.

She does see me as some sort of authority and i can see the resentment in her eyes. Mostly due to my controlling behaviors which only became evident now. I will try my best to just enjoy the ride. Overall this is something i have not been able to do in a while. Just go with the flow so to speak.

What i am trying to get her to understand is that it is not the drug itself that bothers me, but more the following days after use where i come 2nd to her next high, the mood swings and the constant tiredness when coming down.

Sorry to hear this Fuzzy. funny you should say that you thought about not loving her anymore. I feel like that sometimes, until we have a huge fight then i realize i still do. :/

She is starting to realize and admit there is a problem which is a good thing. People change as they grow, so although it might be wrong of me to expect change, at least i am hoping for positive changes in lifestyle. I do not expect her to stop clubbing at all. That would just be wrong. But surely i can look forward to the day where we are both sober.

I told her last night i am stopping pot and everything. Will lead by example as suggested. Damn its hard growing up. Can hardly look after myself and now i tackle this. And just for the record, our communication is actually picking up. We are talking more openly than ever before which gives me comfort for what the future holds.

I compromised a lot this weekend. We actually went out Friday Saturday and Sunday. Can really do with sleep. I think it should become easier with time to enjoy her activities almost as much as i enjoy the quietness of the bush veld.
Hi LJDK, I'm so glad you've realised you still do! I didn't realise, which led to our breakup in the end. I'm really glad she's beginning to realise there's a problem. The important thing for you to do is to keep that problem in perspective, and in reasonable, manageable chunks in her mind. Be ready for her to flip out and become miserable because of how upset she's made you. Of course it may never happen, but it did to me. Just so you know. If she sees the full extent of the problem straight away, she may shy away and believe there is no solution but to leave you and stop causing you harm. Remind her why that's the worst thing if it ever happens.
Sorry that's quite long, and involves more of my experiences than yours. But, hopefully it'll help. Of course she may well see the whole problem and deal with it instantly - all people are different.
All the best.

To traverse this terrain, you will need rest and nourishment. Some of that can come from a few of my favorite authors:

This blogger is a close friend of mine. Greg and I grew up together. We think alike:

Brodsky’s Better Being Blog (http://brodskygroup.com/blog)

and

senseofbalance2002 (http://brodskygroup.com/TCC/senseofbalance12_02.htm)

If you are tense when you drive: tccdriving (http://brodskygroup.com/TCC/tccdriving.htm)

This will tell you about love:

Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love (9780375709227): Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books (http://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948114&sr=1-1)


Any book by this author will save you hundreds of hours spent in unnecessary anguish:

Amazon.com: Byron Katie: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/Byron-Katie/e/B001H6S8B4/ref=ep_sprkl_at_B001H6S8B4?pf_rd_p=482609291&pf_rd_s=auto-sparkle&pf_rd_t=301&pf_rd_i=byron%20katie&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0PDAM6H22NNM4141P1TH)


You might be chronologically too young for this next book, but it will help you address what you are dealing with:

Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up (9781592402076): James Hollis: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Second-Half-Life/dp/1592402070/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948155&sr=1-1)


Both of you will benefit from Tolle's perspective:

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) (9780452289963): Eckhart Tolle: Books (http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948189&sr=1-1)


The generosity of your heart will be reflected in this great book:

Amazon.com: The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property (9780099273226): Lewis Hyde: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Imagination-Erotic-Life-Property/dp/0099273225/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247948246&sr=1-1)

That's a lot to think about. You will need it and more. Yes, growing up is hard work. The alternative is a living hell in which your body matures, but your mind stays in the past, never finding the truth of your existence, never "getting it." Fortunately, you don't have to do that.

tao
Wow, I learnt a lot there too! Most of it I knew, from my own thoughts. However, in the heat of things it's easy for one's own thoughts to go astray. I did the emotional link thing with ease, but didn't set boundaries - just clearly stated how upset her negative behaviours were making me. She kept getting through eventually, but there were always more hoops to jump through, and eventually it broke down. I wasn't strong enough to pull through and enjoy the ride at the end (I'd slipped a lot).

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR HER. You won't anyway, but just to be sure. Hiking and the like are your life, and you must live it at all times, no matter her needs. That's how I lost out. Good luck.

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit. I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after I told her, you know what... do it, she then changed her mind.

I told her a few nights ago I believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but I am on my emotional downer at this point in time and I really do not feel like I have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps I should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and I assume she most likely did use again.

Now I am super irritated, and knowing myself I cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like I do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night I am a bore. So I asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no I have doubts considering I am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, I have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All I know is despite my previous enthusiasm, I am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

Her being furious is again HER putting her first.

A toxic relationship will suck the life out of you because you constantly give in and lose a good part of YOU. You end up giving over your personality, your needs, your wants, your desires, until you are spiralled down to no self image or self worth.
No matter how much you want a relationship when it means your sacrificing YOU you do not need it. You NEED OUT.
Then you can rebuild yourself.
Then you will come to look back and wonder how you made it through what you did

Good luck. I suggest she tries therapy and maybe rehab. All drugs are addictive. Take care.

Do yourself a big favor an educate yourself as to what a person suffering from addiction is all about. Alanon is a great place for that education. You need facts to get understanding, and obviously you don't have the facts. Google Alanon.

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit.I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after i told her, you know what... go ahead and do it, she then changed her mind.

This says that you don't understand what's going on in her. She will blow off everything for her habit. EVERYTHING. She has no choice at this point, at least from her perspective.

A month without using is a start. After 18-24 months one might start to expect her to stay clean.

And, why in the world would you tell her to go ahead and do it? Sarcasm doesn't work in this situation. You have no chance of helping her unless your position is clear, consistent, and on message: You Want Her To Stop.

I told her a few nights ago i believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

That's a big piece of all this: she can't cope emotionally. You can't teach her that and you can't take that away from her. She has to learn, and she has to do that clean.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but i am on my emotional downer at this point in time and i really do not feel like i have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps i should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and i assume she most likely did use again.

Now i am super irritated, and knowing myself i cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like i do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night i am a bore. So i asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no i have doubts considering i am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, i have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All i know is despite my previous enthusiasm, i am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.

You know where this is heading. She will crap on you whenever she feels like it, using or not. You will be boring unless you are distracting her from who she is. Stay in this relationship and you're screwed. She will suck you dry like a vampire, without even trying. It's no effort for her, because you are doing most of it yourself.

You have bitten off more than you can chew.You can't save her, period. Get out and tell her why.


Tao

Thank you all again for the great advise and input. Also those references are great.

I just got off the phone with my fiance; she said she wants to go to her buddy quick. I asked her if it because she wants to make a line again. She said yes. I am kind of furious at this moment considering she wanted to blow off dinner with my parents for her habit. I do not understand considering it has been more than a month now since she used, and now all of a sudden it has become an issue again. But after i told her, you know what... go ahead and do it, she then changed her mind.

I told her a few nights ago i believe she is only trying to escape dealing with her emotions. She then burst into tears and agreed with me and told me she hates dealing with her emotions.

I really do want to stick this out and ride out the rough oceans, but i am on my emotional downer at this point in time and i really do not feel like i have the energy to continue. I feel burned out. Constantly compromising etc.

What also gets to me, is that the last few days she was extremely irritable, snapping at me constantly which made me believe she is using again. Perhaps i should assume less. I just do not know how to go forward now considering she already told me she wants to, and i assume she most likely did use again.

Now i am super irritated, and knowing myself i cannot act like all is fine and dandy. It is hard trying to act like i do not care in order to prevent arguments or prevent her from feeling comfortable enough to tell me in the future. Sigh.

What caused my emotional downer is she told me last night i am a bore. So i asked her if she thinks we will work out, she replied yes and asked me the same thing. I said no i have doubts considering i am a bore and she is a party animal.

She is furious... but hell, i have the tendency to be brutally honest. Perhaps this is what spurred her sudden interest in using again. I do not know. All i know is despite my previous enthusiasm, i am losing all my energy on this. This was mostly a rant. Kind of feel better, all that is left to do know... is go for a run. Great stress reliever.
Listen to me. Please. A relationship cannot be built on this. Not straight off: she must realise who she is, without the drugs. My ex's problem was computer games. You will find yourself in doubts about her, whether you love her etc. This will tear her to pieces if she finds out, but it will be honest at least. Unless you can see through (find the strength).
Ideal situation: you helped her see what she wants. Now you have to help her believe there is a way to get it. At the moment, she doesn't - not really: after a month nothing much changed (it's not long enough to realise anything's different after a long time in a habit).
So, a downer you will be on (I was too).
Next: when she knows what she wants and that she has the power to get it (and has begun to have hope because of things she's initiated herself), you must leave her alone to get it. That way, she will become herself and you will become yourself (post-downer), and once it's blown over you should meet again and fall in love proper.
After habits come beauty hardly ever seen in this world: they've learnt life's most valuable lessons the hard way.

Best of luck.

As much as I do want to get out I can't. I am scared I am using this addiction as an excuse to bail for fear of commitment.

She did use again last night and I joined in so she would not feel alone and so that I do not look like an authority. She threw away the rest after 1st use and said she let herself down. So there is still hope.

I think my depleted energy levels are mostly from work, then I blame my frustrations on the relationship. But there are things that I am not 100% comfortable with. For instance, the last few days / week she has been very irritable, snapping at me etc.

We hardly talk anymore. It's like we have nothing to say to each other. I am scared we are drifting apart. Then I took her caving last night now we talk again a bit more. But I phoned her earlier and then again, we have nothing to say to each other. I do not know why this is happening. But it is usually one sided conversations.

She tries to initiate it one day, then I give 1 word answers killing the conversation, and then other days its vs. I don't know if perhaps I am feeling we are drifting apart because I am emotionally distancing myself from her. I do not do this on purpose, it is just when she goes into her silent irritable mode, I automatically pull away.

Perhaps I assume too much, but I have always been a firm believer I can sense others emotions. In fact I have been told my entire life I am "sensitive" to others emotions. And I cannot help but feel there is something wrong between us. Like she is holding something against me. I asked her what is is but she denies it.

Or is it normal that couples goes through a dip where there is not much conversation going on? She tells me it is comfortable silence. I do not feel comfortable if it lasts a week.

Joining in so she doesn't feel left out?
How do you expect to get anywhere positive with excuses like that?

That is as bad as me saying that I don't want my kids feeling bad so I will join in in cussing the neighbor kids out.

You need to get a good perspective and a good grasp on exactly how you need to go about bringing about changes. Joining in in the problem will never solve anything.

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out. It's the only logical option. Either that or I must tell her it is over.

I can't sit back and keep telling her no, because it only hurts me. Thus the only solution is to not make it an issue until she gets over it, or I must break this off and explain to her I need stability and someone who knows what they want in life.

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out. Its the only logical option.

So you become her partner in crime then she gets over her addiction and you end up hooked and then she dumps you.

Please seek help you can't handle this alone.

Perhaps you are correct. Perhaps I should get help. Damn I hate it when things go south. But that is life... can't be moonshine and roses all the time.

Better South than in oblivion!
Get help for both of you

Good luck.you can do it.

Hey. There is an answer, you just have to be strong enough to leave. She now wants something from life, and she doesn't yet have *quite* the means to get it herself. You can instill those means with the last essence of yourself. It will then take time and effort to keep yourself alive and kicking, but you can do it.
This is not an excuse: it is method, and it can work.
You pull away rightly: it's a signal that it's time for you both to live your own lives, and remember how wonderful you are as individuals. A relationship can come once you both have that from within yourselves - it will never happen if you stay together. This happened to me as well, but I wasn't strong enough to leave. She believed I no longer loved her, and because I was in no fit state to argue (I half believed that myself), she left. This same path is what awaits you if you stay together now, most likely as far as I (and everyone else, by the seems of it) can see.
I forgot to mention last time: there is hope. Reason I say this: as soon as we'd split, I felt absolutely terrible. Everything went straight to sh*t and I died inside. I told her so, by writing on Livejournal (she knew my account, and we'd used it at times to communicate when verbal broke down); and by crying down the phone. That was the time she first reached out to me, and made everything better. I believe your lassy will do the same. You must prepare both of you for it, and realise the reason you are pulling away: subconscious things happen because they should happen - but if you realise that, you can often work out your subconscious' master plan ;)

Jesus you're similar to me. I was always sensitive to the emo's of others too! And, this started drifting away once I got to about your stage. I couldn't see through her anymore, like she was an open book to me and no one else. I also lost sight of my goals, and why I was doing it. Yet, I carried on for fear that leaving was weak, leaving was going to break her, and leaving would mean the end forever. It turned out to be the other way around. If I'd left her, we'd still have had the pick-me-up from her to me, and we'd probably be madly in love right now.

Remind her of where the keys to her life are, say you cannot develop as people without the drugs while you are together, and that that is the *only* reason you have to split. Also that you should keep in touch, especially when the chips start turning down. You can still pick each other up, but only when it's really needed - not everyday or every time.

I wish you the very best, and I think you've found someone seriously special. She doesn't realise how special she is yet (and it's not really one of those things you can be told - you have to find out for yourself), but when she does you'll instantly fall back in love with the person you first saw when you met her - and you might even be a bit more open to things like clubbing after!

Thx Fuzzy, that is quiet an insight. I told myself this was the last time. We are going through the constant tired, irritated and angry phase now due to her relapse. She said this is the last time, like she did the other times.

But I promised myself regardless of how much I love her, care for her and want her... if she relapses again then I will explain to her nicely that iti s obvious she is not ready to settle down or capable of dealing with her emotions.

I just reached that point where I can no longer tolerate it and resentment is starting to set in deep now. Which is never a good thing.

Thanks for all the advise everyone. I know what I have to do now. Now its just a waiting game. Maybe by some miracle this was truly her last time and we can start growing as individuals again. But for now, less focus on her, more on me. Selfish? Perhaps. But I tried my very best.

I have to become her partner in crime again, and lead her out.

Sorry guy, but your lack of knowledge is part of the problem, and has made you an enabler, and that does more harm than good.


It's the only logical option. Either that or I must tell her it is over.


The logical option is to get information, not enable her by using with her.


Either that or i must tell her it is over.


That's what I recommend, as your trying to do something you know nothing about. Better to leave, than send the mixed signals your sending, because you can't help without guidance.

Although i might be having second thoughts at times, i made up my mind. If she chooses the bad road, then so be it. But only when that is 100% certain can i quit.



That will never be 100% certain, I'm afraid. You will be too worn down to see it if/when it appears. I said never - I never say never... It's unlikely that you'll see it.

My advice is don't do this. Don't make absolute promises like this, because it's like dropping a wall down inside yourself; a thing you can't cross. It divides you, and disallows certain connections to be made in your mind. This will be bad for you later on if left in place - and I've not really had much experience of breaking my own: you will need someone who understands as we do, to delve deep within you and ask you that one question that knocks on the 'magic' (loose) brick. Then it will fall. In my experience, I've never seen a wall that wasn't harmful to someone.

I'm sorry to be so contradictory. I don't believe this is the end yet - it doesn't sound like you've managed to explain enough, and that post sounded like it was written in the 'heat of the moment' a bit. You should both understand the reasoning behind what you're doing, or it will be wasted effort. You still love the person lying there underneath the drugs - at least if your path still lies similar to mine then I'd bet money that you do. That person will only come out if you don't destroy her by running at some predetermined time: you've probably been feeling that it's slightly easier than the hardest possible path*. Go when it feels right. You have done some preparation for this already, but not enough. The forefront, conscious part of our minds is not good at making decisions such as this: I'd leave it to your subconscious to decide when it's right, but you must listen to it and not leave it aside thinking it's a glitch. It won't be long by the sounds of it, but remember to give her wonder and awe, and give her the power to believe that what she wants from life it is possible (for her specifically) to get.


Try to remember, how it felt when you met her. That meeting will never happen again: all future events are influenced by the past, so are automatically different. However, something as good or better can happen again. She is the person you want - don't let that slip away out of frustration. Help her, and you help yourself. You sound ready to retract and get your life back, and maybe she is too. What she hasn't got is preparation for the split. Ideally she would understand that it is just separation: not a proper break-up. And it's not through lack of love - that one's easy to prove. Try having a think about the situation turned on its head: if you were her, what would you really need your lover to say/do now? If she was you, what would she do? That's helped me a lot in the past.

Best,
Fuzzy

PS This was a bit of a messy post - I'm not entirely clear what I should've done in my relationship, so passing on clues by explaining what happened-type things is all I can offer now. Hopefully you can gleen some information out of it that helps you.

* I've found that the hardest possible path is almost always the best one to follow... Especially in a relationship like yours. It's less painful in the long run if you take on the pain as and when it appears.

Sorry guy, but your lack of knowledge is part of the problem, and has made you an enabler, and that does more harm than good.

The logical option is to get information, not enable her by using with her.

Thats what I recommend, as your trying to do something you know nothing about. Better to leave, than send the mixed signals your sending, because you can't help without guidance.

What do you think he's looking for here? Ways to blow up Iran? This guy has opened up his heart and life here, so that others might be able to help two lovers stick together and work through this </fairytale>: the admission of lack of knowledge has been and passed - get with the times. The thing about being an enabler is the most helpful thing you said, but it's phrased harshly. It sounds like you might *have* said knowledge - why not share, or at least share how you got it..

My knowledge comes from first hand experience with drugs, and alcohol, and how to overcome them, and also helping others overcome them, And that does include many family, friends, and loved ones, who live through the lives of those who suffer.

What do you think he's looking for here?? Ways to blow up Iran? This guy has opened up his heart and life here, so that others might be able to help two lovers stick together and work through this </fairytale>: the admission of lack of knowledge has been and passed - get with the times. The thing about being an enabler is the most helpful thing you said, but it's phrased harshly. It sounds like you might *have* said knowledge - why not share, or at least share how you got it...?

So are you suggesting that OP DOES do drugs to solve the problem??

I doubt that he is suggesting that anyone do drugs to solve any problems. Drugs are definitely not the best choice to solve anything, it only makes things worse.

People who do drugs do so, because it makes them feel good.

Yes. And I suppose drugs make a person forget the emptiness inside them. I ve never touched any drugs never wanted to.I do believe though that one would need professional help to get off them.

so are you suggesting that OP DOES do drugs to solve the problem???

What? I'm saying that the user talking about him becoming an enabler as a negative thing is helpful, and you come out with that. Some people are either deranged or refuse to learn to read before posting responses...

Being on drugs is just a way to face the problems and the stressful things in your life. That is my opinion.

I have and never will get on drugs because even though time do get hard, I'd rather face things with an open mind. I would not want to kill a few brain cells to forget my problems and wake up to find that they are still there. Then what? Go find more drugs because the problems didn't go away while I was high before...

I don't know what people are thinking when they take their lives in this direction.

Well I did make it clear to her now that this is a thing of the past. She got very sick from her relapse so I doubt she will be using again. Still, I made it clear I can no longer tolerate it.

So we decided we will start excersizing together and get in shape and eat more healthy. After all, a healthy body is a healthy mind.
She just started with a detox, no cige's, booze or weed. Lets hope this helps the cause.

And yes, we do drugs because it feels good. But never ever to forget something bad... for life has taught me that you only feel worse afterwards. Not better. Drugs do not take away pain, sorrow or anything but the capacity to reason properly.

Wow - it sounds like you're both way more mature than either me or my ex were. Brilliant plan, and I'm glad to learn that a hard line has worked for you - but don't let her get downhearted if signs of change aren't imminent. You seem to be well on top of this now.
Absolutely agree - drugs take away the capacity to reason properly, which leads you to a) think less of yourself as you're less capable of solving your problems after taking them than you were before, and b) take more drugs to *avoid* the problems further. NOT to face them. People turn to them probably because they don't believe a viable solution exists, so they want to be as happy as possible for as much of the time as possible.

Congrat's. Now all you need to know is whether she's doing this for herself, or for fear of losing you if she doesn't (probably both, and thinking about it in your situation it probably doesn't matter - it's unlikely to be for the worst).

And yes, we do drugs because it feels good. But never ever to forget something bad...
That's not true at all, but its only a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed.

for life has taught me that you only feel worse afterward. Not better.
For some its an easier way out. Facing a problem, and solving it are to different things.

Drugs do not take away pain, sorrow or anything but the capacity to reason properly.
For some they do take away the pain and sorrow, and it's the easiest way to feel good.

I say all this to try and point you in the right direction, as I think you have little understanding of the true effects of drugs, on the mind, body and soul, so you can at least LOOK for the proper information, such as Alanon, so you can know how to help, and what to expect.

Her choice of drugs doesn't matter, nor how much, or how often she uses, the whole problem is much deeper, and until its resolved, or at least addressed, seldom do people have a chance.

I urge you to give her that chance, and educate yourself, and encourage you to help her dig deeper.

Its also a fact, drugs, and alcohol, have a profoundly greater detrimental effect on females than males, so doesn't minimize the danger she is in.

The good news is the solution is out there.

Threads merged
Hi again.
My fiancé wants to go out tonight to one of her friends birth day party.
Not a big deal right!

Well to me it might be. Not sure yet. One, we seldom do go out. But when we do it lasts for 5 - 7 nights in a row. Then I start refusing to go out because I only go out to clubs because she wants to. I can't stand clubs simply because the people are all wasted, and the music is really not my type. I am a relaxed person with very little interest in socializing but knows it has to be done for her sake.

In any case. Perhaps my anti social behaviour is the cause of my lack of willingness to go out tonight. Maybe not.

But let me tell you something else.

1: The dude told her the other day on text he will give her an open mouth kiss if she kept his sunglasses safe. (he forgot it at her work, she is a hairdresses - got his hair cur) Sure he might have just been expressing his gratitude.

2: We have no cash atm. She is going to make more debt just so we can go drink with them.

3: I am sick, my throat hurts like hell and I'm tired as hell considering I couldn't sleep with her snorring last night.

4: Those friends of hers are 5 years younger than me, intrested in 2 things. Drugs. Sex.
(based on previous occasions that we met)

5:I have nothing in common with any of them, or get along with any of them.

If I go, she will get upset because I am not very chatty with her mates. If I don't go, then I'm being antisocial and a bore. If I tell her to go without me, then I tell her openly go and enjoy your night with the dude that told you he wants to give you an open mouth kiss.

Hmmm

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4870783)

I think you have MANY issues to work out together, as sex, drugs, and your social life seems to be having problems.

As to the partying, a week is a long time to have a good time, doing what?

Man you can't keep up with her, and really do need to gets some honest communications going, so you both can work on a compromise solution that works for you both.

If your not willing to work together, you will grow apart.

The thing is we do have open communication. And I lost count of the times I said no, I don't want to go out. So I feel guilty for wanting to say no again, because I say no more than I say yes. And she does compromise a lot, and so do I.

Still I am not in the mood. But guess I have to just keep my mouth shut and tag along and take everything as it comes.

A sour puss is a poor partner to party with, so take a better attitude with you.

Given her problem with drugs, and alcohol (alcohol is a drug ), recognize that she may be triggered, and want to participate.

That's something to work out ahead of time, will she use, and get carried away, or is she ready to be around something she likes to do, but it's a problems in her life, and abstain, and have a good time without using?

That's what I meant by open communications, as is she really ready for that, and is it a good idea?

All you have expressed is you don't like her friends, or what they do, and some guy Frenching your female, when you both know good and well, their are dangers, and issues to discuss.

Hi again. New question or thing.
She works 6 days a week. Only off on wednesdays. And then every 2nd Sunday she gets a day off. So today was her day off, or is. We are moving to a new place this weekend. So my mother stopped in to fix a carpet stain.

So my fiancé got super irritated when I saw her earlier during my lunch break. She goes off telling me how this was suppose to be her off day, and she didn't want to spend half of it helping fixing the place before we move out. Also she felt incompetent for being able to do it herself.

So she kept lashing out at me, and I starting feeling surely this cannot be the only reason. I must add we have not been sleeping very great the last few nights. Our bed is kind of wasted.

In any case, so I text her to ask her I did wrong, because she was extremely rude towards me earlier. She then tells me she feels like she has no time for herself.

So what do I do? Right now my intuition tells me I must ignore it because women have a right to be upset over little issues. Also she is on her period atm.

But I cannot help and be extremely angry right now at her for acting this way. I mean its not my fault she burned the carpet, if she didn't burn it my mother would not have been there today to fix it. Also I see no reason why she has to be upset towards me. I feel like switching off my phone and just ignoring her at this point in time because frankly I try to keep her happy to lift her spirits when she is down but also due to my lack of sleep I am just not in the mood for her crap today.

Feel like dropping her stuff off at her moms house and just call it quits. Feeling like a failure atm. Can never satisfy her, but I might be exaggerating a bit.

Maybe its time you had a good think about what you want to do?what kind of life do YOU want?

She has a drug problem, plain and simple. You see the kind of drama it causes. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Based on what you've said here I think I know the answer to that question. I'd think long and hard before taking the plunge with this one.

I have to give her the benefit of the doubt at least. She hasn't used since her last relapse and I already made up my mind, if she uses again I will send her packing regardless of the amount of pain it will create for me and her.

Because I know I don't want this kind of ups and downs for the rest of my life. Doesn't PMS justify her behaviour today?
I sure hope it does otherwise she is definitely using again.

The thing you need to recognize is maybe your letting past problems, influence small everyday problems, and making them bigger than what its worth.

Something's are only a temporary glitch, that will pass, if you let it.

PMS?? Geez dude, every guy knows that's the worst time of the month for man, and woman!!

Let it go, you have enough problems, without making more from nothing.

OK. Will take your advise talaniman. I reckon I am taking past issues and reviving them for the sake of justifying what is happening.

Hi again.
Got something else to add.

New thing that happened. If you have read my life thread, and you are familiar with all the past stuff, then maybe you can tell me if I am handling this the right way.

Tuesday night, she got home. We just finished moving into our new place so we were both over tired, stressed from the sudden shift in life's responsibilities.

The 4 nights before this I tried to get her into the mood. But failed. I understood its due to stress, the big change of moving etc. So I let it go. Any case. Tuesday I had a headache like never before from falling on my head during the day. I was tired from all the moving and carying stuff.

So I was lying in bed, when she woke me. She tried seducing me, but almost as if just trying to make up for the other 4 nights, but still I wanted to be seduced but was too tired to do anything to seduce her. Short while later she stopped said I should just sleep in her arms. OK. Then she asks me why the lack of passion from my side?

I made the mistake of saying its because I feel rejected after 4 consecutive nights of trying in vein. She got super mad. So a fight began. And she told me I am too much of an effort in her life(because I am always anti social) and that she has given up so much for me (drugs and she blames me for giving up her friends which is not true... they disappeared when she stopped doing drugs). We never have fun and she feels like an old lady. She also told me I am always serious which frankly was BS. I made some bad moves and said bad things when she mentioned our sex life.

We talked about it. Everything that was mentioned. Including the other night when she told me her mom does not want me to marry her. Then we got in bed. The phone rang and we got out of bed and went out with friends for some drinks.

So everything appears to be fine. She laughed and had a great time. Yesterday everything was very chill. Not one mention of any of the issues. But there was this long silence. Maybe because I kind of did not respond to her talking for about an hour then she stopped talking.

I just felt, well if she says nothing is wrong after the huge fight, why the need to speak if she always calls it comfortable silence?
So I am pretending nothing is wrong because she said nothing is wrong. No more Mr. Serious. I believe the best way to go is to stop analyzing everything so much. This would then have prevented me saying what I did which sparked the argument.

It seems she needs to have more fun and less seriousness in her life. And to be honest, since I stopped talking serious stuff with her, I feel better... but I still have this nagging sensation that she is really getting bored with me.

I made the mistake of saying its because I feel rejected after 4 consecutive nights of trying in vain.

Interesting you chose to dredge up a, what you thought was a slight from the past, instead of saying you had a headache, from a fall on your head, and was tired from the days events.

That's not honest communications, and lead to a misunderstanding.

I believe thinking before you speak, leads to better communicating, and not some tit for tat excuse, that was meant to hurt.

You can correct that with the truth, and an apology, and some understanding of why you felt bad by her rejection of your attempts at seduction. Bad timing, and not very compassionate of her feelings, which you wrongly took personally.

Yip. I did apologise and explained myself better after the dust settled. Hopefully I can prevent this in the future.

Hi.
Not sure what to do or if there are any great self help books out there. Please be so kind as to recommend some.

My situation. I am insecure. For instance, we were at a theme park standing in the que and I got frustrated at the fact that my fiancé would constantly turn her back towards me and instead chose to stand next to my friend and not me. The entire day she would not look at me once, but constantly stare into my friends eyes and talk with him, but not once with me.

If I go an stand by her side she would move to the opposite barrier and look away from me, turning her back to me.

When I talk only my friend looked and responded. She would not look, smile or respond in any way. So is started feeling insecure about this. Why she is acting this way I don't know.

I told her how I felt and she said I am going to push her away if I make this an issue. Now I feel I was in the wrong. I told her body language says a lot and the fact that she turns her back on me constantly pretending I am not there says a lot to me. She then said I imagine things etc. and started screaming about how childish I am so I just left the house.

I am starting to feel that I am no longer ready for this relationship. I never use to be this insecure, but the more my love grows the more I become insecure.

Try reading these books:

The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews (http://www.books4selfhelp.com/)

Amazon.com: Self-Help Books: Personal Transformation, Motivational, Success, Stress Management, Happiness, Self-Esteem (http://www.amazon.com/Self-Help-Health-Mind-Body-Books/b?ie=UTF8&node=4736)

Its easy when things you cannot control take such a big chunk out of us, that its so upsetting. You can control yourself, your thoughts, and actions. I think it helps to think before you act, or speak, at least then you won't have something stupid to apologize for.

Sometimes the best actions, are none at all.

Have you had a check up, or a talk with a doctor? You should, you never know. Given your history with this female, she doesn't bring out the best in you for sure. You may be getting some of her weird moods transferred to you.

Listen to Tal!

Had to spread the love Tal... but I think your really onto something!

I am a big believer in trying to control what you can control, stop trying to control what you can't control.

Other then that; Listen to Tal! (like artlady so greatly put it!)

I will have to see a shrink at some point. Noticing a lot of issues I have, then taking it out on the relationship.

I might have some damage that I picked up 9 years ago and its starting to work itself out now. What happened was me and my ex girlfriend broke up, we were together 3.5 years. She cheated on me. A few days after the break up my best friend died in a freak accident, and then to top that off, me and my family moved far far away so I had no other friends or anyone to relate to.

Withdrew from society for roughly 8.5 years.

Took me 8 years to return to his grave and make ammends with the reality that he is gone. So I must admit getting back into the whole aspect of society, and life in general is hard.

No wonder that its hard, it sounds like you had a lot on your plate back then, and especially when life altering incidents happens all at once... it would do a number on anyone.

I'm glad that you've decided to take a hold of all of this now though, that's a good start (if one can put it in those words)

Everybody heals at their own pace, and some need more time then others.

I def recommend seeing a psychologist, I started seeing one about 4.5 years ago and has found it very helpful! I've found that it has given me the tools I need in order to deal with some difficult things... and you seem to be at a place now where you are ready to deal and face some of the issues that you have been experiencing and that's a good starting point for therapy.

I'm sorry to hear about the things that happened to you though!

Roxy

Hi.
Not sure what to do or if there are any great self help books out there. Please be so kind as to reccomend some.

My situation. I am insecure. For instance, we were at a theme park standing in the que and i got frustrated at the fact that my fiance would constantly turn her back towards me and instead chose to stand next to my friend and not me. The entire day she would not look at me once, but constantly stare into my friends eyes and talk with him, but not once with me.

If i go an stand by her side she would move to the opposite barrier and look away from me, turning her back to me.

When i talk only my friend looked and responded. She would not look, smile or respond in any way. So is started feeling insecure about this. Why she is acting this way i dont know.

I told her how i felt and she said i am going to push her away if i make this an issue. Now i feel i was in the wrong. I told her body language says a lot and the fact that she turns her back on me constantly pretending i am not there says a lot to me. She then said i imagine things etc. and started screaming about how childish i am so i just left the house.

I am starting to feel that i am no longer ready for this relationship. I never use to be this insecure, but the more my love grows the more i become insecure.

Maybe it is not you that is insecure, but your girlfriend. It sounds like she may be a little immature and not ready for a relationship. I would not want to be with someone (especially if they were my boyfriend/girlfriend) if they ignored me, saved their smiles for others, and brushed me off. It is always hard when both partners like each other on different levels. It also makes breaking up more difficult if you are the one that likes her more. However, if she treats you this way while dating, she could very well treat you similarly if you guys ever got married. Think about long-term whenever you begin to date someone. It saves a headache later on. There is a right girl out there that will definitely appreciate you.

Here is a book that you might want to read. It is called Escaping Emotional Entrapment by Daniel Rutley. It is a good read for anyone and will definitely encourage you and help you to see "things" in a different manner.

Don't sell yourself short. If you need to, make a list of what you want out of life - Long term and short term. Work towards those goals. Keep them realistic. Just remember that we all have our ups and downs, and that life is full of lessons. Learn from every situation and improve on the next.

I am sorry about what you have already had to face. These are hurdles that I know you will eventually jump over.

Good luck. Rita

Hi.
26 me
21 she
Together 7 months now. Me 7 years single (excl 1 one night stand) Her. 3 months single after 3.5 year relationship.

Not sure why I am feeling this way and it is scary as hell.
I love my fiancé very very much. We are going through that phase where you fight about everything. Small... big... does not matter. So for about 4 days all went well no fighting. Last night it started again.

Only this time it is obvious my fiancé has been keeping all the past fights against me. It all became too much for her to handle. She cried and cried and cried. Obviously very frustrated, sad and angry. So we tried talking about it, but every time when we start making progress she suddenly says we are talking in circles and then pulls away refusing to continue talking.

Now she wants a break, and go sleep at her mothers house. This morning all is fine, except when we spoke over the phone earlier I made a joke with her, she was irritated due to a customer that upset her. I ask her why and she said she doesn't want to say. Foolishly I make the joke "now my girl doesnt even want to share this with me" Bad mistake. She Screamed OMF, I'm going now... so I just put the phone down.

Text her, sorry but it was a bad joke... please let go of all the grudges you are holding against me etc. She phones back, she is sorry etc. didn't know I was joking.

Now here comes the problem. I have these constant thoughts popping up my head that I should end the relationship. The confusing part is, I feel neutral. I do not feel happy or sad. Not scared or sure. Just neutral. No emotion what so ever. I have been crying for a week or so every night, until she gets home then I hold my pose when she is the same room. Now I am just so depleted of all energies I simply do not care anymore.

I think I might have pushed her away subconciously for thinking about leaving her on and off. There was no reason for these thoughts to start except the fact that she did give off a lot of signs of cheating for 2 weeks a while ago. Stuff like, shower when she gets home, refusal to talk, distant, irritated, gets mad very easily at the slightest criticism, keeping huge distance between us when we are sleeping, only have sex when she wants to.. no compromise like in the past. So for a long long time I was convinced she is cheating, perhaps that is when the "tension" started. We also had a huge fight when I raised these little suspicions with her.

What sparked the whole fight last night is that during sexy time she reached climax. Then proceeded to say she is wondering why she can only do so with stimulation of the whatever etc. I told her most women are like this (I think) but then asked if I still do it for her in this regard. She replied "you do it for me in all other ways" I assumed she is saying no, but in all other aspect you do, but don't worry I will get this aspect from someone else. And that's how the fight started. Although I did not say she will get it somewhere else I sure did think about it.

I just want to get these thoughts out of my head. I do not want to leave her, I want to be with her and marry her when all our issues are sorted out... but why can I not suppress these idiotic thoughts of moving on? Is it intuition that is warning me? Perhaps the thought of getting married that is scary? She did ask me if I feel that I was pressured into asking her for her hand. But I was not. .

Perhaps I should give her the space she needs and use this time when she goes to sleep at her mothers as time to get back in touch with who I am. Oh yes, she also said she no longer wants to come home because its not fun like it use to be. She misses the fun we had etc. I have noticed we are both depressed these days... can't even get out of bed to do the hikes we use to etc.

Sigh... any advice... sorry for the super long post.

Threads merged

This problem has been going on for a while now. 7 months is not a very long time before getting engaged. It sounds like you didn't know her as well as you thought before jumping into a serious relationship. You need to slow things down with her. I think the fact that you're engaged is putting some pressure in the two of you to become more serious.

Slow down, spend some time talking things out and getting to know each other better. It's good that she asked for a break. Just give her some time and space to let things cool down. Once you've each gained some perspective, you will be able to approach the situation more objectively.

It is what I did yesterday. Took things slow, and I'm planning on keeping it that way. Last night was wonderful, it felt like the old days where we could just talk without any pressure.

She now changed her mind and does not want to take a break. I guess it all came down to the both of us constantly focusing on the negative and forgetting about the positive. Always trying to look for something to fix between us.

Somehow I feel happy again.

She seems to have a lot more energy today, cleaned the place before I even got up, full of smiles and giggles. I reckon you are right that the pressure of being engaged got to us. Somewhere along the line we forgot why we are together and why we liked each other.

Hi. Its me again.

My issue is something personal. Ever since she said that she doesn't want sex I have been wondering how it would be to be with someone who wants me in that way. I just do not feel wanted anymore. I know its wrong and I do not want to think about other women, but I just feel I can no longer go to my fiancé and try to get her in the mood. We hardly get to spend time together, and she is always tired when she gets home.

Candle lit baths, massages, doing the house chores etc. gets me no where... even on her off days she is too tired. I have tried everything. She's just never in the mood. What scares me even more is that I have started withdrawing emotionally from her... perhaps this is why we no longer fight. And to top that off, I have been spending more and more time with a female co worker... just smoking buddies... but that doesn't mean my mind is starting to crave more than a cige.

I don't know how to control this desire to feel wanted again. I just feel alone. In the past I would communicate this with her, but have learned that it usually ends up in a fight... and I am tired of fighting. I know I would never cheat... I would rather break it off with her... the thing is I believe the only way to resolve this is to communicate, so I have tried long and hard to get my fiancé to work through the book men from mars women from venus as it might help to learn to communicate but the only one who read the book was me. I think in the past 4 months she read the introduction.

So I told her we have to go see a intermediary... couple councilor or a pre-marriage councilor but this too results in a huge fight.

I almost left her about a week ago. I had the letter written and was ready to read it to her when she said what I needed to hear at the time. So I decided not to give up. But I am so scared I will reach that point of becoming so frustrated that I will leave.

Thing is lately I just care so little I cannot really be frustrated... I just do not care anymore. Do not feel wanted, one sided effort to learn to communicate without conflict... what's the point.

You a way to uptight guy relax, breathe, your making mountains out of mole hills. SLOW DOWN and stop trying so hard. Balance yourself with something else besides her. 7 months and your feeling the way you do because you expect too much, too soon, and will surely crash and burn. Fiancé in 7 months?? Who's idea was that?! Go back to dating her, you'll both feel better.

I guess you have a point. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon. Its just so hard to relax... need a vacation.

Guys go fishing for 3 days with their buds, to get away and relax, and think of NOTHING.

Hi again. Talaniman. Thx. Went fishing with friends without the fiancé. It helped a lot. I am slowly learning to stop stressing so much about all the small things.

Our relationship has since reached a new level of trust and comfort.

Thx everyone. I believe we will be just fine from now on. This community is great.

That's great news-keep going and good luck.

Hi.

I started realizing that there is this loop going around and around.
Why?

To clarify.
Everything is fine, both partners are happy and content. ( lasts a few weeks)

Then small issues are causing fights (lasts from a day to a week maybe more)

Everything is fine again (shorter period than 1st phase)

Fighting starts (shorter period than 1st fighting phase)

Then back to phase one. All is happy. Crap starts again. Why is it like this? Why not be consistent or is this what bonds us? After all how do you know you are happy if you are never angry or sad?

Or is my relationship not the norm?

Some couples thrive on confrontations with each other. One of my best friends her at school fights with his GF more than any 2 human beings I have seen fight, yet 75% of the time, they look to be hopelessly in love with each other. Other couples think their relationship is coming to an end after one disagreement. They key is you have to find that common ground. I always maintain that a little bickering back and forth is a good thing to have in a healthy relationship.

And reading your last line, that is quite dead on. If you are emotionless and never fight with someone you love/like whatever, then you need to consider why. Emotions drive relationships, either down the toilet, or down the aisle

If serious arguments aren't solved by calm,mature communication,but are forever rehashed,that's a big hint that the relationship is headed for real trouble.
Both people in a relationship need to be able to discuss whatever problems or disagreements that arise or its not much of a relationship.

Well said, aiyerrc.

LJDK, it does sound like your relationship is based on confrontation. Have you tried letting your partner have their way for a week or so just to see if someone will then pick a fight? That would be one way to tell. The other way is to ask yourself if the making up is worth the fighting?

Actually we have not had a fight for weeks now. It just sprung to mind today when I recalled a fight my friend and his wife had. And after talking with some friends I realised all couples fight.

I must admit however, I do become unsettled if we do not fight for longer than 2 weeks. And it has been about 3 weeks now. It makes me feel dead inside if there are no arguments for such a long time.

Perhaps I do thrive on confrontations.

...After all how do you know you are happy if you are never angry or sad?
You answered your own question.

Fighting is a good thing, the trick is finding balance.

I'm not quite sure fighting constantly is a good thing, it would seem in relationships that a lot of fighting takes place,no one is listening.

If fighting is the ONLY way that a couple can communicate their feelings,wants and needs,something is wrong.

Fighting increases the blood pressure,and upsets the balance in the relationship... where it is up and down and does not stay on an even keel for very long... for relationships to survive,both parties need to take responability for the relationship,and listen to what each other is saying and finding a compromise...

Constant argueing chips away at the feeling of security with in the relationship and feelings of anger and resentment build.. you could possibly find yourself fighting over how much you fight!

If every 2 weeks you feel the need for a good row,your not fulfilling some aspect of your own needs,and perhaps need to examine why you feel the urge to fight.

So fights are a good thing now? Wow, I'm so not learning anything in life.

So fights are a good thing now? Wow, I'm so not learning anything in life.

I don't think fighting within a relationship or for that matter anyway in life will help with most situations..

Finding a balance,communication and compromise will achieve more...

People get upset and angry when they feel hurt or misjudged, anger can be positive if used sparingly,not as the norm.

Not a good thing if its all you do. But if you never test each other you can never grow. I would say its like a muscle. You have to break it down in order for it to grow back stronger.

But strain it too much and it will snap without a chance of recovery.

As for my need to fight, I usually only feel this way when I am sleep deprived and tired. And boy am I sleep deprived. But I have noticed this patern in myself and just avoid conflict when I know I am this tired.

Not a good thing if its all you do. But if you never test each other you can never grow. I would say its like a muscle. You have to break it down in order for it to grow back stronger.

But strain it too much and it will snap without a chance of recovery.

As for my need to fight, i usually only feel this way when i am sleep deprived and tired. And boy am i sleep deprived. But i have noticed this patern in myself and just avoid conflict when i know i am this tired.

I disagree.

Because a relationship is not an exam,nor a competition.

Testing your partner to see how well they cope with an argument or issue can not only cause 'breaks' in the relationship but actually breakup the relationship..

Relationship grow and thrive on support,love,mutual respect and understanding,not rehashing ancient history,crying ,hurt feelings and resentment.

Perhaps I am wrong for testing my partner... I was told by her a few times that sometimes she feels I am trying to push her away.

So I guess you are right when you say it can break a relationship. Its just I have this itch to pick a fight when I am stressed and tired.

Regardless, if women have the right to be mad for reasons beyond logic, surely men may be mad for logical reasons.

My logic behind picking a fight once in a while is to not have a perfect relationship. Those usually end up null and devoid of emotion where both decide to part ways simply because it lacks emotion.

So fights are a good thing now? Wow, I'm so not learning anything in life.
Yep

I guess no one actually read my post, I said the trick is finding balance.

It's reassuring when a girl is ready to go toe-to-toe with me because I know she got balls and can handle whatever's thrown at her. Women like that know what they want, and if you're dating them, it means they want you, not need you, so you can actually live a life outside of the relationship.

My relationship was like this... until I figured it was going nowhere forward... and I just finally stopped it and broke up with her for the 3rd time and she left to a new guy...

We stopped the cycle...

Perhaps i am wrong for testing my partner... i was told by her a few times that sometimes she feels i am trying to push her away.

My logic behind picking a fight once in a while is to not have a perfect relationship. Those usually end up null and devoid of emotion where both decide to part ways simply because it lacks emotion.

I have read your other threads. You don't need to worry about having a 'perfect' relationship. You need to work on having a healthy relationship.

You need to find a mature way to deal with your stress. Accidentally snapping when you are stressed is one thing. Picking a fight is another. When you do that, you are forcing someone else to deal with your problems and causing them to feel stressed. IF it happens often enough it can be seen as a type of abuse. It is often how verbal, emotional, and mental abuse begin.

Disagreements and arguments happen in any relationship and they can get heated, however, they should be resolved or the individuals should walk away until they are calmer and can handle the issues together. Yelling, screaming, name calling, hurtful words and accusations should not be allowed to happen or continue if they do. Debates can be fun as long as they don't devolve into fights.

Life and reality are tests that every relationship deals with. Putting your own 'tests' on the other person means that you don't trust her. You don't think she will stay by your side if the going gets rough. It also means that you don't want her to be there because that means she can hurt you when/if she leaves. Make her insecure so that you can be more secure in knowing you were right. Not good for having a healthy relationship.

My husband and I were dubbed, 'The Odd Couple', because we fought a lot. But, it wasn't personal, or nasty fighting.

We just disagreed on most things. Our views on politics, an article in the paper, an opinion on just about anything, but, because we argued, didn't mean we were doomed to fail, or that the relationship wouln't work out.

Many times we disagreed on most everything, but if a decision had to be made we always reached a compromise. Some may see this as a bit weird, but it worked, and does work for us.

We've been in social situations with others who didn't know us, who left because they thought it was going to come to blows! Lol It never has, ever.

Sometimes opposites do attract, and that makes life interesting.

33 years and going strong, we still argue, but at the end of the day, it's all good.

Every thing happens in cycles, and after more than 3 decades with the same woman, we know each others cycles very well. We both know nagging is okay at times, but sometimes it's the wrong time, so we both adjust to each other very well, and being able to compromise is an important part of the cycle. Neither of us forces things when it won't fit, as it already takes a lot to put up with a partners s h i t in the first place.

Its no easier now than it was before, we just know how we will deal with the low part of the cycle, and enjoy the heck out of the high points. We have had a lot of experience. And looking for more.

It is what it is and mostly we are happy, but we all go through those glitches, and have to make adjustments, every now and then.

Hi.

This is somewhat personal but also more of a general thing in relationships.
Adapting, changing and growing.

A Few days ago I realized the reason me and my fiancé were fighting was not because of her faults but because I refused to grow with the relationship. I was stuck in the "in-love" phase. The phase where talk means little, only cuddling, kissing holding hands and childhood fantasies of what love is mattered.

She however moved on to the "comfortable” phase. No need for lots of kisses to show affection. Less cuddle time etc. So I started becoming worried that our relationship was heading downhill. Only focused on what I no longer get, instead of what is.

I have limited experience when it comes to relationships. That being said… am I starting to wake up, or am I lying to myself? Do relationships really evolve to a comfortable state where less affection is necessary to show your love?

I mean I look at my parents and they are very happy to just sit there and be comfortable in silence, no needs to kiss kiss the whole time. I told my fiancé this and she agreed and she seems a lot more distressed since then which is a good thing. It is still very hard work to actively avoid giving too much affection to her… but she seems more happy now and says she is.

What do you people think?

Hi again, LJDK!

Maturity concerning actions and thoughts in an intimate relationship does take time, patience, communication with your partner, and of course, love.

I think that you're growing more mature as far as understanding what true love is really about, so as to enable better, an intimate relationship to progress to that which is long-lasting.

Thanks!

Hi.

Sorry I am so upset at the moment my hands are shaking.
I have no idea why... I guess it's a lot of stuff that has builded up. Negative projection from my friend's relationship into mine etc.

Well here goes. She phones me and invites me to lunch. Then I sounded a bit unsure if I could make it, then she says OK never mind I will go... pause, I will go have lunch alone.

Immediately my hearts starts racing. Furious as hell I become for no real reason. So I phone her on my way there. And I start ranting and raving at her, asking her if I am the rebound guy or is going on because lately it feels like speaking to a brick. Not even a wall, a wall still gives off an echo. But I speak with her about normal stuff and not even a yes or a umm or nothing. Just staring at the TV.

A Few mornings ago she got up and could not look me in the eyes once. The whole 3 hours before we go to work she would avoid me. I told her this is dodge and she must be hiding something. Drug abuse... that was what I was thinking but I did not mention it directly.

Personally I think I might just be upset from this crazy heat, the fact that I don't want to sit at work right now, my debt issues and all sorts of other crap and now I might be taking it out on her.

Why am I suddenly so scared I might be the rebound. Come to think of it I am an idiot. She did tell me way back when we met she is not ready for a relationship. 3 times to be exact. But we kept at it.

Maybe I am just becoming super nervous now that the wedding day is coming closer and closer. I know she loves me... I know she is over worked... working 6 days a week... I know and understand a lot of the things that gets her down. She already picked her dress and she is super excited to get married.

Truth is she gives me a lot of attention and love. And does not turn mute as often as I would like to portray this image of her. But I feel like bursting out in tears. Depressed. Scared of losing her and at the same time trying to lose her.

I guess I am just super scared... unable to believe that I could be so lucky to have her in my life. All I really know is solitude and sadness. Not love and companionship. Damn it must be one of my bipolar moods coming through again :/

When are you getting married? Maybe mutual pre-wedding nerves?
Can you not have a proper discussion about this?
You know, it sounds as if you're making a mountain out of a molehill.. .

I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think we will have a chat after work. Perhaps she is scared too!

We are getting married in September only. But I have noticed that since I asked her I have been on this rollercoaster of being sure I want to, and then not being sure I want to.

Been there done that-nerves are normal-it's such a huge commitment.
Do you truly love her and do you truly want to spend your life with her? Do you feel you are truly compatible?
Does she feel the same?
If the answers to these questions are yes,and you are able to talk honestly about any problem that pops up,you are fine.

We are still a young couple... but so far we have managed to talk about all our issues. Although it was hard at times, took some fighting screaming and throwing fits before calming down and sorting stuff out.

But yes I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. Guess I will be asking her those questions tonight.

Good luck.
Take care. :-)

So I asked her if she thinks she could and want to spend the rest of her life with me. She said no. We talked, fighted over BS. Went for dinner when things calmed down.

So I tried talking to her, trying to figure out why it seems like she does not care anymore about us. She said "i dont care about our relationship anymore, i am only 22 and i dont need this sht"

I told her I noticed this a while ago, thus all the fights we have been experiencing. She left for work now, did not speak a word this morning.

I honestly don't know what to do. Do I try and cling to something that is dying or do I let it go with dignity. How could things get so bad so quick.

I can honestly see that she does not care, and I have been seeing this for some time but kept telling myself I am expecting too much. Sigh.

The reasons she gave me is that I am not the same as when we met, I use to be a go with the flow person and lately I make much issues about little things. Granted perhaps I have been a little out of touch with myself.

Still, not sure if its over now or what the hell is going on. She did not say its over, or she needs a break or anything. Still I cannot help but feel that we already broke up. Damn I'm sad... scared... :'(

I always believed a man's intuition speaks just as loud as a woman's except we are taught to be tougher and hang in there. Since your first post you already knew in a way that things were going down and going down fast. Let's be real, it's what lead you to post here. You are wise and you saw signs that were there. She was distant and you just didn't get the right vibes anymore. Don't be too hard on yourself. Feelings are feelings. If you are sad then it's because something is making you sad. If you are angry, something is making you angry. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel a certain way. You really can't help it. You can try to not portray it to others but is that being honest? Your ex is not the right one for you. You both cause each other stress and pain. Itls not your fault nor hers. It took me a while to understand that. You live and learn and you do better next time. You will meet someone else and you will be okay. I say you let this girl go already and begin NC and heal ASAP. I think you already know what's going to happen and you and I both know the damage is unrepairable. Something's are better left broken than to get hurt fixing it. I wish you the best. Hang in there! Your friend, Emopunk7

Sorry to hear this-I always had the feeling this relationship was very volatile and that the two of you were not on the same page.

It sounds like breaking up would be the best option,sad as that is.

It's your choice of course,but that's what I would do.

OK. She came to me and said she is sorry, she wanted to hurt me so she said she does not care about the relationship. As for the not wanting to marry me, well that we have not talked about.

I have adopted a new policy in our relationship and that is to play the role of the stereotypical male, cold distant, not wanting to talk about "issues".

So far it has been going great. She does seem concerned about me being distant but that is what she wanted after all... like they say be careful what you wish for.

In all honesty I think this role suites me better than the role of a man who is in touch with his emotions.

I can feel myself slowly drifting away from her. From this relationship. I am not sure if I feel anything at all anymore. After the harsh words of the other day, I dealt with it as if a break up occurred. Perhaps why I no longer feel much.

Not sure what she is thinking, not going to make the mistake again to care. Caring leads to issues that could have been left in the closet.

I think your communication has broken down,she's playing games and being very immature. Even thinking about marriage at this point,would be,pointless. Is there anything left to work on? All I see is confusion. Something is going to have to change and soon.

I did try to open communication but we seem to lack this ability. Both of us, to do it without getting upset and pointing fingers.

Perhaps couple counceling.

Suggest it to her.
Without communication you really don't have a relationship.

Hi.

If you did something bad, how do you hide it without becoming too distant or detached.

What did you do? And I wouldn't hide it, it always finds its way out in the open. Come clean now and accept the consequences

Whatever it is,don't hide things from a partner-honesty is always the best policy.

I did not do anything. And I am not trolling. I am merely trying to understand different perspectives on how people manage to do this.

I have never been able to hide anything, thus I keep out of trouble.

No one said you were trolling. Some people have a higher tolerance for guilt I guess. I mean there is no clear answer because every person is different, I know people who just don't care what they do or who they hurt while I know others that rationalize it in their own heads

I guess you are right. It has to come down to how much you really care about others.

I would like to live in such a cold mind for a few days, just to see their perspective.

I must admit I have been thinking about cheating, a lot to be honest. But I know I won't be able to hide it very well. Thus my interest in the subject.

Thought there might be tips on how to not feel guilty about such things.

If you've been thinking of cheating, get out of the relationship. It's obvious you are not committed to her.

If you're asking us how to cheat and get away with it, we aren't going to help you with that.

No that's not what I am asking. I am trying to understand how they can do it. I have been cheated on before... it's so easy for some people you won't know about unless they tell you.

Because some people are just that good. I know a girl who has cheated on her boyfriend at least 5 times, each time she got caught managed to flip it and make the boyfriend feel bad and that he deserved it. Some people are just classless and have no heart

Wow... I won't call that good on her behalf, but there is no other word really.

Its damn sad to think people can cheat on their partners for their own selfish desires. Yes sure I think about cheating... who doesn't? But its still a choice if you do it or not.

And I know myself I won't. What gets to me is that some people like to justify their cheating. Be it to hurt their partner because they made them angry, or just to get back at them for calling them fat.

Yes sure i think about cheating... who doesnt?

I don't. I've been with my husband for 19 years. Never even considered it.

Wow... I honestly did not think there are still humans on this planet who still has respect for others.

wow... i honestly did not think there are still humans on this planet who still has respect for others.

There are many people who have respect. You just have to be choosy when looking for a lifetime partner. Don't settle for less.

My husband and I are total opposites. He loves head banging metal, while I love pop music and tunes from the 60's. He goes to Korn concerts while I go to broadway plays.

We not only have a life together, but we respect our lives apart as well. Every story from his concerts and/or my plays brings freshness back into our relationship.

Boy, that really sounded sappy didn't it? :p

wow... i honestly did not think there are still humans on this planet who still has respect for others.

I'm sorry, but this is just offensive to me.

Yes, there are people with respect and a moral compass.

Sounds like you need to find some better friends!

In my opinion, this question is nonsense. "How to hide something from your partner" isn't a question that should be asked here. People that are here to give help are helping from the side of honesty, a good conscience, fostering trust and commitment, not cheating, lying, and dishonesty.

I'm glad you're "not going to hide something from your partner" but this question is seriously concerning.

wow... i honestly did not think there are still humans on this planet who still has respect for others.

Sounds like you've been disappointed many times in the past.

Bottom line, you haven't met enough people in life.

Hi.

If you did something bad, how do you hide it without becoming too distant or detached.

I'm going to answer your question.

If you want to do something bad and hide it, first get rid of your conscience, your heart, your soul, your morals. After you do that, it should be easy as pie to do whatever you want with no regrets.

You can't have it both ways. You're either honest and loyal, a good person, caring and true, or you're not. It's your choice what path to go down.

I really don't understand why you asked this question to begin with. If you aren't thinking about cheating and getting away with it, why wonder about how to do it?

Hi.
Well me and my fiancé have a set date now for our wedding. I love her with all my heart and cannot understand why am I looking for another girl. It might that I'm scared of commitment. I mean honestly, me and my fiancé have been through a lot. We worked out a lot of issues and I am confident we are compatible sexually, emotionaly and in all aspects. I couldn't have asked for better girl.

I recently ran into a girl I knew since I was 4 years old. We have been talking. And today we almost agreed to have a fling. She is also getting married soon. So I don't know if we are both experiencing the same thing. Why is this happening? We decided to stop talk talking to each other after almost getting it on.

Is this normal? I don't know if I should tell me GF.

Cold feet or not,if you are thinking about a fling,and have even made arrangements,your not ready for marriage.

Put yourself in your girlfriends shoes,what if this was happening to her,how would you feel,hurt? Betrayed? Of course you would.

If your close to getting married,these feelings are not going to disappear by magic,you need to deal with them NOW.

My advice,talk to your fiancé about your concerns,your worries,if you cant,there is a serious red flag in front of you.

Sounds like you're all over the place. Get your act together.

Marriage is a huge step and if you can't take it seriously, then you shouldn't drag out this relationship. You should let her go now before you end up in court over a divorce.

Hopefully you have seen that the solution to your fears is not to seek comfort in the arms of another.

Why not be honest, and just tell your g/f the truth, you are scared. You love her, but you are SCARED!

While its normal to be afraid of taking a big, unknown, life changing path, and to find comfort any place that looks good, the better course is to be honest with yourself, and the partner whose will be most affected by your actions. At least then you can have a chance to work together, find a solution that benefits you both, and don't have to make excuses for bad behavior.

Cope with your fear with facts, gotten through honest means, heck she may be more scared than you are.

Thx guys.
talaniman, she has admitted to me she is scared. She also said from time to time she thinks about leaving me as the commitment is too much for her.

I think we are both terrified. I understand most of her concerns. Her biggest being her mother cheated and left her father and she is worried she is making a mistake, that we might get a divorce.

I am not trying to justify my actions or bad behaviour. But there comes a time where a man has to step back and realize that if you are nice, conciderate and loving... your girlfriend gets upset about minor little things, dishes... laundry... this and that. Then there is a light and you realize what's the point in being perfect if you still going to get mauled.

And yes, I would be upset if I found out she was doing the same thing.

Thx guys.
talaniman, she has admitted to me she is scared. She also said from time to time she thinks about leaving me as the commitment is too much for her.

I think we are both terrified. I understand most of her concerns. Her biggest being her mother cheated and left her father and she is worried she is making a mistake, that we might get a divorce.

I am not trying to justify my actions or bad behaviour. But there comes a time where a man has to step back and realize that if you are nice, conciderate and loving... your gf gets upset about minor little things, dishes... laundry... this and that. Then there is a light and you realize whats the point in being perfect if you still going to get mauled.

And yes, i would be upset if i found out she was doing the same thing.

You're simply NOT ready to get married. You are trying to line up an "ace in the hole", BEFORE your life long commitment. You are setting it up to fail already. Making excuses along the way.

This is the biggest crock of &%#@ : "But there comes a time where a man has to step back and realize that if you are nice, conciderate and loving... your gf gets upset about minor little things, dishes... laundry... this and that. Then there is a light and you realize whats the point in being perfect if you still going to get mauled." B.S.!

NO, there comes a time in a REAL MAN'S life that he realizes that he loves a particular woman so much that he cannot see going through his life without her. That he wants to love, honor, respect, protect, and cherish, that lady so much, that he wants to TRY to be "perfect" for her. At all cost. And "nice, considerate, and loving" just comes natural. There is no "mauling". This is just a cop out.

Do yourself, and most importantly HER, a favor and don't even consider marriage until you realize that fact.

You should be planning a family, a future. Not a "fling".

I got married in my mid thirties. Because I knew that I wasn't ready to settle down and commit to one woman yet. I went through a lot of bad relationships before I found an angel. She is not "perfect". But she is perfect for ME. And for that reason, I was truly happy that she gave me the opportunity to be her husband. And I will be the best husband to her that I know how to. I am not perfect by any means. She doesn't want perfect. She wants honest, loving, and respectful. Most brides do.

Why are you rushing something that is doomed from the start?

So what your saying is, that no one ever thinks about cheating before they get married and statistics lie that most couples cheat before marriage and 1 year after marriage?

So you are using statistics to plot your future course? Not a great idea at all, in my book, as you make your own life rather than go by statistics.

With all your fears and issues why are you getting married? You don't seem to have any reason to.

I think instead you both work on your issues with each other, to see if they can be resolved by communicating, and working together, and having a partner with a drug addiction is a big red flag that she may NOT be a good choice any way. To have a healthy relationship, both partners have to be healthy, and in this case, neither of you is ready for such a step.

OK I hear you.
So just to recap considering a lot have changed since this thread was created.

Some background. She has not used any sort of drug for 5 - 7 months now. Including weed. Nor have I. We are now straight edge and excersize often and instead of looking for a high we look for adrenaline rush such as going "kloofing" or "caving".

We have open communication in 99.9% of our relationship. The one exclusion would be my thoughts of cheating. The people around us in our lives, my parents her parents and our friends have all stated without us asking about it... that both of us have grown exponentially emotionally and as a couple.

We no longer have "fights" that gets out of hand. Its now more like she gets mad at something and I understand, she feels better and vice versa.

Our sex life, well that's pretty healthy except I might have a slightly higher one than she does... but we deal with it when that time comes.

That being said... its mostly why I don't like threads being merged seeing as circumstances change and people here tend to keep waving the same flag around.

Also, I am not looking for judgement. More like someone who can relate and give constructive advise.
EDIT:
And to answer a question. I want to marry her because I cannot imagine living my life without her by my side. Its cliché but yes she does complete me. Still, its insane to think that for the rest of your life you will spend it with one person, and you are not allowed to have sex with anyone else.

This rule makes very little sense. I think it was placed in society to create conflict. Why else do so many people fight about this issue? Why am I strugling with this issue. And yes, most of you might say you have never even considered cheating. But you will be lying to yourself and not me. Its human nature. And comon knowledge that every pot has more than one lid.

Then you will have no problem telling her that you can get married but screw whomever you want, and let me know how that works for you.

I have had many clients who get together while they are getting clean, so I tell you like I tell them, don't make any life changing decisions until you have both been clean at least a year. And then think about it and talk, before you do anything.

Recovering people are notorious for having fears they can't, or don't know how to deal with, and feelings that change, when a better option comes along.

Don't play with your recovery, and don't be in a hurry to assume that someone else feels as you do.

And healthy people know that they have feelings for others, and always will, that something you can't control. You do have absolute control over what you do about those feelings, and whether you will cross the lines of good behavior, which is something you define for yourself, and as a couple.

That's what honest communications is about, not just feelings, but FACTS.

So go talk, and stay sober, and keep growing.

LJDK disagrees : Your emotional reaction has delivered 0 constructive advise.

You ask for help, and when someone gives you a straight answer, you give them a "reddie" for the trouble.

You do realize that the "disagrees" is for factually incorrect information only. Read the rules please. You've been here long enough to know that. People get attitude reddies all the time. What good does that do? Debate the point here on the board, if you think that I was wrong. I'd like to hear it.

And by the way, my answer was pertaining to how a man should be feeling on the final steps to marriage. It was not meant to be taken personally, but I see that it struck a nerve. It was not an "emotional reaction". It's not MY sister that you are already planning to cheat on. I wonder how far you and that other girl have already gone. " Almost getting it on..."

And as far as the "0 constructive advice". Did you think that any answer here was going to magically turn you into the man that you should be when you ask a woman to be your bride? That's not going to come from here. That takes time.

You ask a question like this one, be ready to swallow the views from all angles. Don't be so thin skinned.

"We decided to stop talk talking to each other after almost getting it on."

"Is this normal? I dont know if i should tell me GF."

Yes, tell your girlfriend that you almost had sex with this woman.

She deserves to know the real you.

LJDK

Ok shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if she told you that she is happy to marry you BUT she cannot commit to not having sex with other men, and that being faithful is simply something created by society to instil conflict?

What does marriage mean to you? It seems like you want a very serious commitment from her and none from yourself with regards to infidelity.

If I sound harsh it is because I simply cannot believe that you are considering getting married with those thoughts and beliefs in your head.

EDIT: I just noticed that you do not wished to be judged, well maybe I did that a little. However you simply want someone's opinion that agrees with your own to justify your own thoughts/beliefs?

So what your saying is, that no one ever thinks about cheating before they get married and statistics lie that most couples cheat before marraige and 1 year after marraige?

Can you show the poll, or study, that these "statistics" are supposedly coming from?

Marriage.

Thx.
That made sense. And it is actually helping me get my mind set right.

Hello.
So the date to get married is in 2 weeks.
Just want to say thank you to everyone who contributed. I have learned a lot, and have grown a lot over the months.

We are now both ready for this and things are going well. There are certain aspects I disagree with on this site. Mostly the majority of opinions are riddled with negativity.

But there are also some good advise here. And I thank you all for that. Have a good one. Thx again. If I did not have this forum we might not have made it through this rocky start of a relationship.

Can't wait to get this wedding day over though. Stress stress stress.


Edit : also I just browsed through all the stuff I said in this thread. When I look at it I can't even believe that was me. Wow. Bit confused. But it should serve as a reminder of what not to be.