Hi.
New member here.

I am confused. I got engaged recently to a girl I truly love. But I am so scared these days and confused. I have major insecurity issues due to my ex that cheated on me.

My fiancé and I made love 3 times a day for 3 months. Then it started getting less and less. We talked about it, and I told her I am to scared to try to turn her on, because I simply do not know what turns her on anymore.

I am starting to feel I do not do it for her and that she might have found or is looking to get it somewhere else. After all, it is very obvious I cannot turn her on. There is always something wrong, either I am seducing her to slow and gentle, or to quick and hard. I just can't seem to win anymore.

There are times when she suddenly wants to stop during the act; telling me she is not feeling very well anymore.

She said there is too much pressure on her to have sex with me because she knows I have a high sex drive and she wants to satisfy my needs. There have been occasions where we have sex then she does not reach orgasm or does not want to (what she says) and this is becoming more frequent which is placing stress on me, knowing that the whole act was for my benefit, not because she wanted to make love to me.

So it's a catch 22. She does not want sex often, and I do. She is stressed to satisfy my needs, and I am stressed believing if I do not manage to lower my sex drive it will drive us apart for causing too much stress between us. I was told by her I am making a big deal out of sex. Which is most likely true.

It gets more complicated because if I am in the mood, and I suppress the desire I become very quite. Constantly thinking of not touching her, do not try to arouse her, do not make it obvious that I am in the mood, as I do not want to place stress on her to satisfy me. She knows me well and picks up on this.

I do not understand how we can go from 3 times a day to just once every 2 weeks. But to be truthfully honest the longest we have gone without sex is 5 days which I know for a fact only happens because she feels that she needs to please me.

The only solution can then be to get something to lower my sex drive. It is starting to affect our relationship. I have become more stressed at work, if I am stressed I want sex. If I want sex and I know I shouldn't and then I become more stressed and quite.

Any advise would be most awesome. I feel the problem is with me, and not with her. I think it is normal for a girl to settle and wants less sex than in the early days.

I would just like to mention one thing that got to me the other day.
Made a nice bath filled with bath foam and rose pedals for her. Lit the candles all around the room. Made it nice and romantic. Served her favorite wine while she was in the bath.
Made the bedroom nice and romantic full of flowers etc. And this was one of the times where during sex she just suddenly tells me to stop. Looked like she was having a panic attack. And she does not suffer from anxiety.

Thx for reading.

Wow, Kind of confusing on why she just wants to stop in the middle of intercourse. I can see how sometimes, sex does slow down through a relationship. It isn't like you aren't trying, but sometimes things just get a little less interesting.

Try thinking of your relationship instead of sex. Sex isn't everything in a relationship. If you are in it just for sex then maybe you aren't ready to get married. Think of other things and about her and what she wants. Go help yourself in the bathroom if needed sometimes. If you really love her, then don't let sex separate you guys.
I know how you feel stressed all the time because not having sex. When I was with my last ex, I maybe had sex 20 times in 7 months and it was horrible. I had to help myself a lot because I knew it helped me and her out. Luckily I am with someone else and have no problem worrying about sex. So I do see where you are coming from with the stress. I hope this helps.

I believe the reason she wants to stop during the act is because she forced herself to "get in the mood" before we started. I know her history well, and she did explain to me that her ex broke her down emotionally if she did not want to have sex. Manipulated her, and made her feel and believe that she must have sex with him in order to keep him happy.

We did talk about this, and I did explain to her and tried to convince her that there is no must when it comes to sex. That she does not keep me happy with sex, but simply her presence makes me happy and talking to her.

That being said, I believe you are right adam. I need to focus on the relationship and doing things together more, and less about my sexual desires.

Damn, I actually feel like an idiot now. But I do tend to have selective amnesia when I get so frustrated.

Based on what you have said, and what her reactions are, I think she sees your focus as being on sex, and not on her. It sounds like that really is the case too.

You can't "make" her get in the mood for something she clearly isn't wanting to do, ergo why she stops you. Plus what I see in your words is that everything revolves aroudn sex... not the relationship, and you can't have a relationship when the focus is on sex...

Its clear, you are letting your little head call the shots instead of the big head.

Now just drop the sex part for now... if there isn't enough of a relationsip to still enjoy yourselves, then trust me, marriage is the LAST thing you need to get into.

It doesn't give your age but I'm going to guess you are both really young, as in early 20's at the most.

From a woman's point of view I think that being expected to have sex 3 times a day, on a continuous basis would place enormous pressure on me.

Your fiancée is reacting the way she does because your focus is on quantity not quality. It's not true that a women's sex drive declines as quickly as you think, but it certainly will decline if she feels under pressure.

As a woman, feeling that you're expected to have sex and feeling under obligation to perform are the biggest passion killers. You need to seriously back off and think about her needs not yours.

You're not a child any more, surely you can manage your sex drive? Try masturbating a bit more often and try thinking of sex as an act of 'making love' with your fiancée, rather than as a release for your pent up sexual frustrations.

Sex is so much more than simply a physical act, it's a way of connecting deeply with the person that you love. Show your fiancée some of this love by giving her the space to create her own desire for you without feeling pressured and stressed by your demands.

You people make a very valid point. We sat down last night and I told her I want leave sex out of the relationship for a while to focus more on enjoying each others company and doing things together.

Yes I am 26 and she is 21.
I just to get my head back on straight.

Somewhere along the line I lost the plot. Truth is, I do not want to make sex the primary in our relationship. Especially now that we are engaged I think it is time to look more into her needs and wants, instead of what I want.

After all, she is the one I want to please. Not myself. Actually I feel a bit ashamed for being so selfish.

You people make a very valid point. We sat down last night and i told her i want leave sex out of the relationship for a while to focus more on enjoying each others company and doing things together.

Yes I am 26 and she is 21.
I just to get my head back on straight.

Somewhere along the line i lost the plot. Truth is, i do not want to make sex the primary in our relationship. Especially now that we are engaged i think it is time to look more into her needs and wants, instead of what i want.

After all, she is the one i want to please. Not myself. Actually I feel a bit ashamed for being so selfish.

It's a common issue among young people... its an easy trap to fall into as it doesn't happen right away, it gradually happens until one day you realise all you ever do it get together for sex.

Its no you have recognised this and can take action before the relationship collapses. Take your time and don't be in a rush to marry, You really need a few years of dating to really know your partner to decide if marriage is right for both of you.

Hi.

Sometimes during the act of making love my fiancé gets the urge to urinate. She says it feels like a p is building up, so we stop and then she goes to the restroom but cannot p. It looks very unconformable and like it may hurt at times.

She seems to be in a lot of discomfort when this happens.
Should she see a doctor?

This only happened on rare occasions in the past but has been the case the last 4 times in a row now and I am very concerned that there might be something wrong with her.

Does she need to see a MD or a Gynecologist for this?

Completely normal.

Some women experience female ejaculation which feels a lot like needing to pee.

It comes from the urethra but does not contain urine.

Tell her not to worry about it at all, if you practice hitting her g-spot she may be able to orgasm this way, but she has to understand that the sensation is completely normal...
Just remember to use a towel on the bed!

I actually have this problem myself. To be crude, it's the term referred to as "squirting". What she really needs to do, is learn to relax and let go. It will be a much enjoyable experience for both you and her, once she becomes used to it. I recommend several things. One, if you do not already do so, oral is a great way to learn to relax through the orgasm. Try watching a video or something on it if you haven't done it before. Another thing that she can do personally, to learn to relax her body and let go, is to try some yoga. It really works wonders for relaxing through a tense situation, such as the female ejaculate, or gallstones (very painful experience, yoga helped me limit the pain I experienced during an attack.). Hope the advice helps!

If it is NOT usual for her, and it is PAINFUL, she needs to see her gynecologist.

If it is NOT usual for her, and it is PAINFUL, she needs to see her gynecologist.

While my own post did not mention this, I concur. If it is PAINFUL and not just uncomfortable, it could be something like a urinary tract infection. It never hurts to visit the doctor, and trust me if it's not medical but related to an orgasm, the doctor will have heard it before, no need to be embarrassed.

Well she did say it is more of a discomfort than actual pain.
Still it might help her relax if she goes to see the doc.

Thx for the input. Hold thumbs that things turn normal or at least turn positive in the near future.

Please do at least update us, and let us know if she is okay.

While she may feel an urge to pee, even if she has to her body will be unable to pee until she is no longer excited.

It's like you getting up to pee while hard, until you are flacid again you will not be able to pee. The urge is normal, but trying to pee will be painful.

It's very thoughtful that you would seek out information about this so that you can understand and help her.

It sounds like female ejaculation, I agree. Though without knowing more I could not tell you with any certainty. What I can tell you is this. If you stimulate her to that point and she doesn't get the release, she will probably emit the fluid when she urinates after intercourse. There are books and videos and lots of articles about female ejaculation. It is a highly controversial subject though. Women's bodies differ, that's generally accepted as the truth, and the same goes for instances like female ejaculation. Not all women experience this sensation or ever have this type of orgasm. It can be mildly painful if she doesn't release that fluid IF it is female ejaculation. Anyone who has ever experienced this will tell you that is feels a lot like needing to urinate. So it is definitely an indicator.

I say if she feels the need to release, try it out. Worst case scenario it's not her having this type of orgasm and she gets a little urine on you. At least then you will have tried something new if that is the case.

Synnen has a point though, if it's painful, or if you don't feel comfortable trying, ask her to talk to her Gynecologist, it's their job to help her understand her body.

I will let you know what the doc says if she agrees to see one. But for now I will not say anything to her about this until it happens again.

I do not want her to stress too much... she has enough problems at the moment, and I don't think she needs me to be concerned about our sex life at this point in time.

So it might take a while before I will have any news. Thank you again for the input. Just hoping it is all OK.

PS. We did try to "release" in the past, a little fluid did shoot out, but then she quickly closed up, and said it was too intense and does not feel right. I think after that it might have been extremely unconformable for her, and I am too scared to try and get there again. The last thing I want to do is make her feel bad or uncomfortable about our sex life.

That's a good indicator that it felt better though. It IS normal for her to feel that way though if that's what it is, it's a very different kind of orgasm, and a very different sensation. I think I screamed and laughed the first time, all purely from shock. It was very embarrassing.

PS. We did try to "release" in the past, a little fluid did shoot out, but then she quickly closed up, and said it was too intense and does not feel right. I think after that it might have been extremely unconformable for her, and i am too scared to try and get there again. The last thing i want to do is make her feel bad or uncomfortable about our sex life.

I am the same way.
It is a very strange feeling and I don't really like doing it.

It was fun/amusing/strange the first few times it happened but after the novelty wore off I didn't enjoy it, many women do though.

There are certain positions that make it happen almost every time for me so we just avoid those positions :)

I kind of did that too... We laughed our butts off then hopped in the shower. :D

Well the doc said all is OK. We achieved it, but she said she does not like it at all. Stressed for nothing, but at least I feel better now.

Thx for all the input everyone.

Hi again. This is the start. It happened to us too, surprise surprise - maybe we should become a case study! It's simply because she does not need your every particle to care about her, just to stay alive anymore. So, you do not give it. It's not conscious - just something that happens. Before, you cared about her because a) you saw in her someone wonderful, and b) because she needed it.
Next step: break apart, reset the batteries, and meet up and care because she's fantastic and because you want to. She will do the same for you (part of the problem now is her not caring for you so much because you've backed off - and for good reason see my post on other thread).
There you have a perfect start to a relationship: you've been through the darkest, and know you could do again if it came to it. I wish you all the very best.
Oh and about sex, that's exactly it - sex leads to lacking conversations because you've forgotten how to talk (that much sex does anyway)! This problem was with my 1st partner (of 2). Dude... This is getting scary. Are we connected?

Hi.

My Fiancé confessed to me she does not really enjoy sex. Apperently it is because of how many partners she had, and bad mistakes she made in her past. Once in a blue moon I can see her drifting off during the act. I stop and then ask her what is going on.

Then it is the usual that she is getting flash backs from old relationships etc. and she has to keep reminding herself that she is with me etc. But this does not happen on every occacion. Like I said, only once in a blue moon. But still it hurts me to see this happen.

She also confessed she has a very low sex drive and I am starting to notice. The usual confusion is attached, having sex 3 times a day and now once a week if I am lucky. Unfortunetly I have a high sex drive so I resort to masturbation when needed as to not put pressure on her.

What's even more irritating is the fact that she always sms's me during the day telling me how bad she wants me right now, and by the time she gets home she is so tired it is eat shower and sleep time. I am starting to give up. I feel like a failure.

She wants to go see a counceler and I would like that as well, but we cannot afford it at this point in time. So what do you think. What possible solutions are there for this predicament.

She is definately sending out mixed messages. She's hot and cold. She really needs to get into some therapy.
If she doesn't like sex, that's one thing, but I sense it might be something more. Ask her to go to her doctor about the "low sex drive" and make sure there is nothing wrong medically, and then, maybe some therapy.
I hope this works for you, because a marriage without sex is often not the best marriage to be in.

She needs to see a Dr... and a counselor.

If she really doesn't enjoy it then why is she constantly teasing you about it?

I'd lay odds if you ever got married you would be constantly fighting over sex, because once she has the ring on her finger she is likely to demand celibacy... not an uncommon tactic certain women use to get what they want then say, too bad, shops closed for business. Don't like it tough?

If you want peace of mind... I'd move on... or expect to get a lot more of the same out of her.

She may have issues she will never get over.

She needs to see a Dr....and a councellor.

If she really doesn't enjoy it then why is she constantly teasing you about it?

I'd lay odds if you ever got married you would be constantly fighting over sex, because once she has the ring on her finger she is likely to demand celibacy...not an uncommon tactic certain women use to get what they want then say, too bad, shops closed for business. Don't like it tough?

If you want peace of mind...I'd move on...or expect to get a lot more of the same out of her.

She may have issues she will never get over.

There is always an open shop down the street... ;)

We kind of had a small fight about sex last night. The weekend we went away to the bush. During the weekend we made sexy time, it looked like she was reaching climax then she demanded I stop.

So I did regardless being right there. Later that day she wanted to do it again. Same thing. She said I should stop and I did. She then pulled me back inside of her and said "hurry up"

I felt offended and put my clothes back on told her that was wrong in so many ways. She cried etc. and tried to talk. I wasn't in the mood. So I left and went to make a fire and have a beer.

So there I was, making love twice and both times just before I reach climax I am demanded to stop. We almost tried again but she said she is too sensitive now and it hurts.

So last night I told her how frustrated I am, and she wanted to give me oral. I objected and told her it's nonsense simply because I do not need a sympathy relief. Either she wants me, or she doesn't. Its not a chore to be done around the house.

At least now I have fuel to say no. I simply cannot tell anymore if we are having sex because she wants to, or because she feels its an obligation. So I guess I will be forgetting about sex. Sigh

OK. I tend to post in the heat of the moment.
Steve, that might be a joke or not but just for the record. No matter how frustrated I get, I will never cheat. Its against my being.

My strategy. Forget about sex completely. Not going to mention it, hint or touch her body in any place that might give her the idea that I want sex. Instead I will use this time to work on other aspects of our relationship. I will keep this up for 2 - 4 weeks.

If by that time she is still not interested in sex. Well then I will reconsider my strategy.

Well I'm no expert but it sounds to me like you should try making love instead of just having sex, sounds like she needs to be handled gently let her know you how you feel w/ actions instead of words. This could be a lot of work, if your not willing to do everything it takes then you'd be better off moving on, but I believe, w/ enouf patience and work you can work through this.
If you love this girl then you should give it your all, always tell her how beautuful she is and try to make her feel a comfortable as you can. Stick w/ it till you've tried your best, don't feel discouraged if it doesn't work, I don't know the person your inquiring about but if nothing works she may be unfaithfull to you, and if that's the case maby she will see how hard you are trying and maby just maby change her ways, good luck hope you find what your looking for.. .

OK. I tend to post in the heat of the moment.
Steve, that might be a joke or not but just for the record. No matter how frustrated i get, i will never cheat. Its against my being.

My strategy. Forget about sex completely. Not going to mention it, hint or touch her body in any place that might give her the idea that i want sex. Instead i will use this time to work on other aspects of our relationship. I will keep this up for 2 - 4 weeks.

If by that time she is still not interested in sex. Well then i will reconsider my strategy.

It was a joke, but I also feel that sex is an important part of a relationship and if its permanently, unexplanably absent, the relationship might be in trouble.

Fully agree. Sex is an important part, hence my frustrations with the current situation. What makes me wonder though is we have been going through a tough patch of sorts... and I never once accused her of being unfaithful. We talked and I did not want to tell her what is bothering me. She then said she has never cheated on me, which is strange considering I never accused her or hinted towards it.

Fully agree. Sex is an important part, hence my frustrations with the current situation. What makes me wonder though is we have been going through a tough patch of sorts... and i never once accused her of being unfaithful. We talked and i did not want to tell her what is bothering me. She then said she has never cheated on me, which is strange considering i never accused her or hinted towards it.

Possibly the confession of a guilty conscience?

Perhaps. But I will never know. I did confront her about it, she just said she said it because all her previous boyfriends accused her of this.

Get her into counseling... if she refuses to go or insists she has NO problem... I'd lay it on the line, she goes or you leave for good.

Gives the chance for redemption, if she really cares she will make the attempt, and if she won't go... you have a clear answer that she doesn't give a damn.

Sex, is but one of the problems in this relationship, and only a symptom of a bigger problem, as there are many issues that needs to be addressed by you both.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/scared-am-screwing-up-378843.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/p-sensation-during-sex-380710.html

That's really why threads are merged, for more information, and less confusion, as facts, as much as you can give, are valuable when seeking input, and advice.

May not seem like it, but all these issues your having are related to a bigger picture.

Get her into councelling....if she refuses to go or insists she has NO problem...I'd lay it on the line, she goes or you leave for good.

Gives the chance for redemption, if she really cares she will make the attempt, and if she won't go...you have a clear answer that she doesn't give a damn.

Didn't he say she was willing to do counceling?

... It seems as if she is stuck on something in the past about her "old boyfriends or past experiences" everything is related to that. As a female I can understand how she relates everything to them considering when you go through something bad or it doesn't end well you seem to think that is just how it always goes... Some how it needs to be proven that you are different as of now she is not allowing you to show that sexually she wants something else may it be mentally or emotionally who knows... she might not even realize that... If you love her and really want to make things work out you will find means of doing so. It's not always easy and it's not always right away. From the reading though it seems as if she does want sex but then freaks out pulls away... For some people it is hard to get over the past which ends up ruining good healthy relationships. Since you can't afford counceling currently I would work on communication with her so then maybe one day when you can afford it you can both go and see if you can get through this...

I wish you both the best of luck believe me I know that situations like this are hard.

Kagan~
(sorry for the ramble)

Didn't he say she was willing to do counceling?

...It seems as if she is stuck on something in the past about her "old boyfriends or past experiences" everything is related to that. As a female I can understand how she relates everything to them considering when you go through something bad or it doesn't end well you seem to think that is just how it always goes... Some how it needs to be proven that you are different as of now she is not allowing you to show that sexually she wants something else may it be mentally or emotionally who knows...she might not even realize that... If you love her and really want to make things work out you will find means of doing so. It's not always easy and it's not always right away. From the reading though it seems as if she does want sex but then freaks out pulls away... For some people it is hard to get over the past which ends up ruining good healthy relationships. Since you can't afford counceling currently I would work on communication with her so then maybe one day when you can afford it you can both go and see if you can get through this...

I wish you both the best of luck believe me I know that situations like this are hard.

Kagan~
(sorry for the ramble)She's had this problem for a very long time obviously... why didn't she go before? Problem is a lot of people will toss that out to defuse a situation while having no intentions to follow through with it.

Personally... lifes too short to have to deal with it. What happens if it takes years to get the money... what if she refuses to go at that point... in the mean time she makes no effort herself to improve the situation, and his life is horrible. What if it takes years more to even start to see any results... IF there are results? What if nothing ever gets better... you've wasted a good portion of your life.

Yeah that might come across as cold hearted... but I believe people are who they are... and there are all sorts, you should find someone like you and not waste years trying to change someone who isn't into someone that is... it rarely works.

I did consider it at one stage but then thought sex is just sex and I need to forget about it. We did have great sex last night... which kind of convinces me there is hope.

Although I doubt I would want sex with her any time soon. She reached climax pretty quickly last night. We stopped and I was smoking when she asked if I finished. I said no, but its OK. I have a hard time saying no stop when she is pulling me into her. So we went at it again, but she pulled her face as if in pain.

I stopped and asked is going, why is she pulling her face... but she ignored me and continued and well I did the only thing that was left to be done. Finish. So now I feel pretty bad and I'm not sure what is going on with her atm. I did ask her about the face pulling thing again, but she said it was a little sore but pleasureable at the same time.

This disturbs me. Guess I will avoid sex for a while. Don't think it was normal what happened last night and I kind of feel like I hurt her in some way.

The bad thing is, if I insist on stopping the act when I see that expression she gets upset and feels she cannot satisfy me. If I continue I feel lousy. Sigh.

Don't let her expressions make you feel bad as its no secret that pain and pleasure often register the same. Its her actions you deal with, which say she enjoyed it.

but she said it was a little sore but pleasurable at the same time.

I'm wondering if she meant for you to stop doing a specific thing, not stop altogether? That would make sense.

In any case, you two have some serious communication problems. If you aren't even able to talk about how much pain she was feeling or if that's a big deal to her, you aren't communicating.

Also, if she's too sore for sex after two times, then you should be gentler and also maybe she has a mild yeast infection or something that's making her sore. (That does NOT mean she was unfaithful!) Start by really listening to her and not jumping in with your own reactions. It sounds like this whole thing is becoming AN ISSUE and you are both getting defensive. You should start by promising yourself not to get defensive when you talk to her. And each time you talk, really listen, ask questions until you feel like you understand what she is saying. Say back to her what you think she said, from her perspective. One conversation won't do it. But over time, she'll start to trust that you are really listening.

The impression I'm getting is that you think you can sort of read her mind and figure this whole thing out without much input from her.

Lastly, it's perfectly possible for a woman to want sex at 10 am at work but be wiped out by 10 pm. It's happened to me! I'd ask myself why work is so stressful and how she can relax, not assume right away that she was being manipulative.

Okay. I just read the two other threads. That kind of changes things...

I did consider it at one stage but then thought sex is just sex and i need to forget about it. We did have great sex last night... which kind of convinces me there is hope.

Although i doubt i would want sex with her any time soon. She reached climax pretty quickly last night. We stopped and i was smoking when she asked if i finished. I said no, but its ok. I have a hard time saying no stop when she is pulling me into her. So we went at it again, but she pulled her face as if in pain.

I stopped and asked is going, why is she pulling her face... but she ignored me and continued and well i did the only thing that was left to be done. Finish. So now i feel pretty bad and im not sure what is going on with her atm. I did ask her about the face pulling thing again, but she said it was a little sore but pleasureable at the same time.

This disturbs me. Guess i will avoid sex for a while. Dont think it was normal what happend last night and i kind of feel like i hurt her in some way.

The bad thing is, if i insist on stopping the act when i see that expression she gets upset and feels she cannot satisfy me. If i continue i feel lousy. Sigh.Sounds almost passive-agressive on her part.

Just an update. I made peace with our sex life. All things aside, not getting enough, not satisfying her, being stopped in the middle, I would say I kind of convinces myself this is how it is with her.

She is going to a therapist end of next month. Still a while but I reckon we will survive until then. Have had some great sexual encounters in the mean time. :)

Give her the chance to make improvements... but put off any plans for getting married until some point after those improvements are made.

If she recognises she has a problem, and is taking steps for improvement half the battle is over.

Reading all of your threads(your other posts) makes me believe she is having some psychological problems,possibly the result of KAT use.

I think she has a need to be in control in the bedroom for some reason.Be it getting a sense of pleasure from your pain or just having the upper hand and controlling the sex.This sounds like she is engaging in BDSM without you being aware of it.

Bottom line ,I think she is playing out some sort of neurotic fantasy and you are the pawn in the game.
I think she needs psychiatric help.