I recently was given a 'job' as a babysitter for a girl my husband works with, whom lives a few doors down from us in the apartment complex we are in.

At first I thought 'awesome, she doesn't have to pay an arm and a leg for corperate daycare, and I get a little extra cash for bills'

Now I'm having second thoughts. But I'm worried about these kids.

This girl isn't the type that I am usually friends with. She is very much the typical loud, 'partying' girl. She complains about everything (she doesn't complain about my childcare skills however)

For example she threw her phone and broke it because she was angry that they gave her the wrong phone number, (we live in Arizona, but they accedently gave her a California number) and then spent HOURS on my phone DEMANDING that the phoen company send her a new one because its their fault she threw the phone because they gave her the wrong number!


My concern here, is for the kids. She is NOT loving in any way! Her kids are a 2 year old boy, and a 2 month old baby girl. The baby girl is left to lay on the floor all day long, no love, not holding, no affection at all. If she crys, a bottle is proped up by a pillow for her to eat. Or a binky with SUGAR is put in her mouth! I'm sorry, but sugar on a binky doesn't sound right at 2 months to me... I understand that doctors sometimes do this to distract baby's when getting innoculations but she does this CONSTANTLY all day!

The 2 year old talks very well, but again, it doesn't seem to me that he is acustomed to love and affection. I give him hugs and kisses and he just sort of sits there limp. Like he doesn't even know what I am trying to do.


When they are at my house (8 hours a day 5 days a week) I am trying to give them all the love and attention I can, I snuggle with the baby, I hug the little boy.

She doesn't abuse them... she isn't mean to them... so I'm not sure if I can do ANYTHING...

But what can I do about this other than simply give them all the love I can while I have them?

If I was you, I'd stay away. You say she's the "partying" type... that typ3 typicallly puts financial importance on drugs, booze, etc before bills. So you very well might not get paid sometimes. And you also might get asked to sit a lot more than what you're thinking. Eveerytime she wants to go out, she's going to call you. And when people go out,they generally don't come back when they say they will (I bartend, so I know this! )

If she has a big temper, I was thinking, what if you started working for her but had to quit for one reason or another, she might get vindictive on you. Do things like become an annoyance, call DHS on you, spread rumors... just bug you in general...

IMO, not worth it!

The behavior you describe points to drug/alcohol use anyway...
typical loud, 'partying' girl... for example she threw her phone and broke it because she was angry that they gave her the wrong phone number, (we live in Arizona, but they accedently gave her a California number) and then spent HOURS on my phone DEMANDING that the phoen company send her a new one because its their fault she threw the phone because they gave her the wrong number!

Not normal behavior at all. Get away from her!

You could call DHS if you're concerned about the kids, if you believe (and it sounds like) she's drinking and on drugs. They can do SOMetHING. An investigation, drug testing, etc. Please, do it! If she's on drugs, the situation is only going to get worse. It always goes downhill...

I have a big mouth when it comes to kids,they can't speak for them self so someone has to.

When you see a situation,just speak up. No one likes to be told how to raise their children and they get very defensive but if you approach it with tact and even humor,she may get your point.

Neglect is child abuse,in my book.

Propping a bottle is not only dangerous,it deprives the child of the sense of comfort and bonding they need .In an emergency,we have all done it but as a habit,it is sad for the child.

Show her by example and perhaps you could say*when I try to cuddle with (boy) he seems uncomfortable,like he isn't used to getting cuddles,we know all little ones need their cuddles*.

Good points both of you.


I agree arty, I propped a bottle up for my daughter when she was little maybe twice, and both times was because the food on my stove was burning! And even then, my daughter was more like 7 or 8 months, not 2 months.

That's a great idea to broach the subject with 'he seems uncomfratable like he isn't used to cuddles'

I will try that when she gets home tonight.


passmeby, that's an excellent point! In fact, I am asking this because last night I had a dream that she went out with friends and left the baby with me (the 2 year old with her mother) and never came back for the baby girl and I kept her and raised her (I know, that wouldn't happen even if I wanted it to)

If you decide to continue watching the children, I'd try to take advantage of the opportunity to "show" her how to mother her children. Maybe she is just clueless...

It's all in the approach and wording however so that she doesn't become defensive. If she cuts you off from the kids because she gets angry you will not have a way of knowing how they are doing.

Simple remarks... "I love how little Sarah loves being cuddled...she snuggles right in my arms when I feed her" "Tommy is getting so big.....he has great fun sitting with me while we look at books together....and he is learning the names of so many colors and animals".

Now of course she may take it as, great... since they are getting this from you she doesn't have to worry about it... but hopefully you will be planting a seed and your comments will get her thinking about things she can, and should be, doing with them.

That's a GREAT idea doula! Why didn't I think of that. That was exactly my problem was if I call CPS and they get involved, and then they can't do aything about it, all I succeed in doing is cutting them from my life and I won't ever know what happens to them.

I must confess, I feel awefull about it, and I know its not possible (for legal reasons) but a part of me DOES want my dream to come true and her abandon her baby so that I can keep her. Even though I know the courts wouldn't do that. I LOVE Her to death. Is probably 'nesting instinct' as I have been trying to get pregnant.

Thanks for all the advise, I will utilize ALL of this for a while and see where it goes. As passmeby said, I want to find out if she is even going to pay me. She says she is. But if she starts making excuses, that's will only make me suspect drugs as passmeby suggested.

Oh, I feel for you!! This must be awful. I have two thoughts.. 1) RUN & 2) be there for the children... #1... the easy solution is to run away, but by your post, I take it that, that is not an option for you, since you have come to love these children---probably more than their own "mother". Sorry if I offend, but being a mother means more than making the baby... #2, be there and do what you can for the kids. I love the advice about showing her how to mother in a non-judgmental way. The infant clearly needs more snuggles and attention and the 2 year old deserves to have you in his life!! It sounds as if she is young and flighty so if you choose to stay, be prepared to not get paid and be taken advantage of. While this is not your problem, you have become involved. If you must call CPS, do so, it could save a life... at least you could try.

Good luck with your decisions

--shel

Yeah I agree shel. I am prepared to not get paid. It wouldn't bother me, as its not like this is the only job I have, (my husband works to pay the bills) it would just be extra money to make payday easier. I feel like these kids need me more than I need the money you know?

I know that I would Definitely call CPS right away if I even SUSPECT that they are in danger or being hurt. But for now I don't really have any proof. I mean, I have known plenty of GOOD parents, who are also 'partyiers' on their time off (NO drugs)

And I don't THINK she does drugs, so that's good. I just know she has one beer after work. (and I'm pretty sure its AFTER the kids are sleeping)


Wow sorry. I'm not TRYING to make excuses for her :P that's not what I mean LOL.

Thanks for all the advise everyone. I will definitely be keeping my eye on this and I will update this post if anything changes, so keep subscribed if your interested.

So... today I had a shocker...

Is it still considered child abuse if the parent THREATENS her child with child abuse?

She doesn't DO it, however she is constantly telling her son 'if you don't stop I'm going to beat you bloody'

Or today, which shocked me she said 'im going to kick you in your balls if you don't stop!"

OMG I about lost it!!

I have decided I am going to call CPS on her. I just hope they deturmine she is dangerous and take the babies away...

so...today i had a shocker...

is it still considered child abuse if the parent THREATENS her child with child abuse??

she doesnt DO it, however she is constantly telling her son 'if you dont stop im gonna beat you bloody'

or today, which shocked me she said 'im gonna kick you in your balls if you dont stop!"

OMG i about lost it!!!

i have decided i am going to call CPS on her. i just hope they deturmine she is dangerous and take the babies away...

Have you ever told someone you're so mad you could kill them? Have you ever said "I could just slap you?" I have.

If you call CPS be sure you can back up her words with actual physical threats. Do you see bruises on him etc.

Have you ever seen her hit her child?

If not, I don't think CPS is going to do anything. They're pretty busy. Is this abuse? Well it's verbal, that's for sure, but I don't think you can have your kids taken away for verbal abuse.

You could be opening a huge can of worms here.

I've seen her hit him. As well as push him off his bed and drop him on the floor. She is just flat out mean to him.

But your right, I haven't seen him bruised or anything, nor have I seen her do more than smack him or push him and that might not be enough. Maybe ill hold off and keep watching.

I could be over diligent, but I think its worth it if there is even a little chance that she might hurt him.

Smacking and pushing a two year old. That is brutal.

Disgusting behavior from a parent. From a human being.

Also just observing it and not doing anything about it.

ive seen her hit him. as well as push him off his bed and drop him on the floor. she is just flat out mean to him.

but your right, i havnt seen him bruised or anything, nor have i seen her do more than smack him or push him and that might not be enough. maybe ill hold off and keep watching.

i could be over diligent, but i think its worth it if there is even a little chance that she might hurt him.

If you've seen her hit him then I'd definitely call CPS. It can be sticky, she'll be really angry, she won't be bringing him over anymore (where he's safe) and CPS will have to investigate before they can do anything.

I agree with reporting her, sadly too often nothing gets done about it.

Smacking and pushing a two year old. That is brutal.

Disgusting behavior from a parent. From a human being.

Also just observing it and not doing anything about it.

I never said I didn't do anything about it. I told her not to hit him and that he is little and still learning. She just shrugged and said 'alright'

Thanks for clarifying.

Quite honestly though If I saw something like that. Who knows what I would do, but that is just me.

I agree joe, but I also think I'm de-sensitised to it, as my mother was 10 times worse with me and my brother and sister, so that's why I'm asking for others opinions on what that 'line' is you know? My mom slapped me around and pushed me all the time. And it was nothing to me. I didn't care about any of it until she pulled out the wide leather belt.

So its hard for me to understand where that line is. I have spanked my daughter, but not at 2, and not in the violent angry way my 'friend' does. And not NEARLY as many times (although I have since learned that spankings don't help my daughter so they have been discontinued)
But I would never treat my daughter the way this woman treats her children.

Where I live the mothers threaten their kids all the time as well as call them horrible names. Like screaming at their 2 yr olds You little D!-- wad, C--- face I told you 20 minutes ago to get me a beer. Or you are the spawn of satan and I wish I didn't have you. Or pulling their hair and dragging them backwards cussing at them. IF CYS is called they put on a lovely front and CYS leaves and says claims were unfounded.
It really doesn't do much good to call them unless there ARE bruises or some real physical proof of abuse or neglect like no food in the fridge, house filthy dirty beyond liveabilty, etc...

Jesushelper disagrees:

So what do you suggest?? Other posts have even said that calling CYS is opening a can of worms.
You disagree but it is a FACT that when CYS goes to these mothers houses they are looking for physical evidence. What they find is a mother that puts on a show and everything is all roses. CYS leaves goes back to the office and writes up 'UNFOUNDED' in the report.


thats a GREAT idea doula! why didnt i think of that. that was exactly my problem was if i call CPS and they get involved, and then they can't do aything about it, all i succeed in doing is cutting them from my life and i wont ever know what happens to them.

.




If not, I don't think CPS is going to do anything. They're pretty busy. Is this abuse? Well it's verbal, that's for sure, but I don't think you can have your kids taken away for verbal abuse.

You could be opening a huge can of worms here.

I did not say do not call CYS I was saying the ugly reality of what can happen if you get them involved and then they do NOTHING

Jenni has NO proof she is hitting them even though she saw it with her own two eyes.
Physical proof is what CYS looks for.

Most probably because so many people have falsely reported others for spite or to gain custody off the mother for themselves
BUT that is the fact.


She needs to try the alternatives the others have suggested first.

Hey jennie,you really have taken a lot on,between the 4 and 6 year old,and a 2 year old and a 2 month old baby,plus your own daughter..

It's a lot to take on,particularly when the 4 and 6 year old are biting and tearing around the house,and now what seems like crazy parents of the other children into the mix.

Maybe just taking a step back and making rules for the children and the parents,for what you expect from both.

Its seems a whole lot of hassel has landed on your doorstep.
You were trying to help out and make some money and now all you have is grief from all sides.

Aw red its not that bad :) the kids aren't horrible, just 2 4 6 year old boys :P when I tell them all to sit down and stop acting like goofballs they sit and settle down. I only have the two older boys for 2 weeks. Then they go back to school. Then my daughter goes to school too. So I won't even have her. It will just be the baby and toddler, hehe. HEAVEN!


In a way I DO agree with nohelp. CPS does tend to get a sugar coated veiw of things, and they have to take that at face falue. Its very unfortunate. So until I see some accual physical evidence that I can picture and document, all I have is she said she said.

My mom pointed out something to me. My 'friend' is 28 years old. Her mother isn't abusive, but her mother isn't around much to support her, or teach her how to deal with her kids. Baisically, she was handed kids and left to 'fend for herself' at a young age of only 17. (she has 3 other children, that stay with her sister, not sure on that whole story, but that makes me all the more suspicious you know?)

And unlike me, who had my sister, friends, my mom, my dad, my grandmother, etc etc you get the picture. I had so much support, I was out of high school, AND I was completely READY and WILLING to be a mommy.

She may not have been. (granted its her fault, she opened her legs, I'm not saying its NOT her fault) but mother hood may have been a huge surprise and 'inconvieniance' in her eyes, a 'SHOVE' out of 'childhood' and into adult hood. I'm not making exuses for her... but perhapes all she needs is someone willing to stay around her long enough to be a real friend, and help her learn how to be a real parent. (she can sometimes be a bit blunt and harsh, definitely a girl who speaks her mind, be it good or bad. And so its hard for many of her friends to stay around too long)

I think you and the others are right. Show her how to love her kids and treat them like a part of her. You said you already made one suggestion and she was open to it.
So she probably needs a mommy mentor to help her along.
Tell her things like proping a bottle in the baby's mouth can cause air bubbles and stomach aches. That leaving a bottle in their mouth for too long can lead to tooth root and she may have to get her teeth pulled by the time she turns 2 or 3
Shaking a baby can cause brain trauma and kill the kid.
Lashing out at your kid because you are in a mood is taking your anger out on the kid and can cause them to grow up disrespecting you.

Helpful hints may be all she needs.

Jennie,these are all good suggestions,but,you don't know this woman very well,and I would suggest you don't get to close until you know something more,the last thing you need is the kids and the mother hanging around your house everyday and the weekends as well.

I think you are spending too much time with the kids than their own mother so you are bound to bond more with them. Becareful of becoming a bit jealous without noticing. Not your fault though but you will be heart broken should she decide to completely remove the kids from your care. Try not to get too emotionally involved. You seem like a loving mother but it might kill your heart.

Yes I understand hiswill. I've been through that before, so I try not to get TOO attached. I had a ladie I was babysitting for, and I did for 3 months, her adorable 1 year old little boy who was just so sweet and such a joy to watch. I never really knew his mother well. But one day, (of course on the day she was suppose to pay me) I never heard from them again :( she didn't bring him over, didn't call, didn't answer my calls, nothing. It did break my heart. So I try hard not to do that anymore. But your right, I think I am getting attached. Especially to the infant, simply because I am trying to get pregnant, and she is filling that 'space' you know? :P

Yeah you can't let yourself get too involved like she has to have boundries set when she seems to be starting to overstep into your private time and things like that.