My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. He is a wonderful guy and we have an open and honest relationship... but there are a few things that are really bothering me.

He cannot orgasm through sex... oral sex, penetration, on top, on the bottom, handjob, etc. We've tried many different things and I feel really bad because I think it's something I am doing wrong (he insists it's not me). He seems to be only able to orgasm through masturbation and even then he has to try really hard and it doesn't always work. He feels bad about not being able to too because he wants to so bad. He often comes really close to orgasm... and then loses it just seconds before completion and it's frustrating as hell for both of us. I've tried playing around while trying to remove the focus from the final outcome, often not orgasming myself so we can have fun without the pressure of having to "finish" but I don't think that has worked.

The other thing is that he CONSTANTLY watches porn. I don't have a problem with porn and would love to watch it with him but he mostly watches porn in the wee hours of the morning when I am sleeping or if I am not home. If we had an awesome sex life then I wouldn't have a problem with him watching porn ALL DAY long if he wanted... but since we have the problem noted above, I feel that all his porn watching and likely masturbation is making it more difficult to resolve the other issue. He's said he can't help it... he's addicted to porn and he watches it mostly when he's bored... but I can't help but get really upset by this because I would rather he masturbate with me around so at least I can share in his orgasm experience which he otherwise seldom has.

I know he is under a lot of stress and pressure (employment and starting up a new business) and I know that stress and depression often has a huge impact on sexual desire but we've talked and he does find me sexually attractive (I have asked on numerous occasions) and he wants to please me... but right now... the frequency of sex has decreased and seems to be dwindling.

I guess the only other thing to add is that I recently found something out that really hurt me. He never gives me oral sex... said he's not sure why but one day he will do it. Last week we talked and I finally found out the reason. He doesn't like the way the female looks. He can't stand to look at wide open and the idea of eating it or having his face near it like that grosses him out. This means that he really won't ever get around to giving me oral sex and that does bother me. I love to give my partner pleasure and that includes oral sex... but I don't hardly do it for him because it's a give and take situation. I enjoy giving him oral sex and find that often I "stop" myself from doing it because I feel it isn't fair that he gets it and I don't.

I know there are lots of points in this post... but I am just so upset... I love him and he's so good to me and we get along so well in all other aspects of our relationship... I just wish he could get over these hurdles... I wish there was something I could do to help. He is very affectionate.

Any ideas?

How old are you. And how old is he?

He may have erectile dysfunction. Does he have diabetes? Or any other health problem?

Is he able to masterbate to climax watching the porn?

If he has a problem having an orgasm while watching porn, as well as thru sex, he needs to see a doctor.
Believe him when he says it isn't you. Almost every guy watches porn. They are very visual. It has nothing to do with you.
The problem seems to be with him, and that's why I suggest he see a doctor.

If he has a problem having an orgasm while watching porn, as well as thru sex, he needs to see a doctor.
Believe him when he says it isn't you. Almost every guy watches porn. They are very visual. It has nothing to do with you.
The problem seems to be with him, and that's why I suggest he see a doctor.

Yeah... I have told him that... He's getting his testosterone levels checked... then we will take it from there. I have nothing against porn at all... I enjoy it. I am worried is all. He says he's been single so long and has masturbated so often that he thinks THAT could be the reason he has trouble orgasming in any other way. Makes sense except he says now he's having trouble even when I am not there which makes the problem all that much more frustrating.

Thanks for your input :)

I have more advise for you hon, but unfortunately I DO need to know your age. Not just site rules, but my own personal little indocrynosy (I KNOW I didn't spell that even close to the right spelling lol)

how old are you. and how old is he?

he may have erectile dysfunction. does he have diabetes? or any other health problem?

is he able to masterbate to climax watching the porn?

I am 36 and he is 38. We're checking the "health" avenue. Maybe it's stress? Depression? Medical issue? I guess I was wondering if anyone else had this problem so I didn't feel so alone.

Yeah.... I have told him that.... He's getting his testosterone levels checked.... then we will take it from there. I have nothing against porn at all... I enjoy it. I am worried is all. He says he's been single so long and has masturbated so often that he thinks THAT could be the reason he has trouble orgasming in any other way. Makes sense except he says now he's having trouble even when I am not there which makes the problem all that much more frustrating.

Thanks for your input :)

Too much thoughts and worries. Thoughts are giving emotions and fears that can happened. Try not to think of anything, just live the moment and feel.

I think he needs to lay off the porn and the masturbating and see what happens.
He may need to retrain his brain to accept sexual pleasure in a different way.
The mind body connection is very complex and it just may be that he is acclimated to only one way of getting pleasure.

Question,if he enjoys porn but finds a woman's vagina less than appealing,what is he watching porn wise?

Perhaps you could try to duplicate his porn fantasy.

I am 36 and he is 38. We're checking the "health" avenue. Maybe it's stress? Depression? Medical issue? I guess I was wondering if anyone else had this problem so I didn't feel so alone.

He has no problem getting an erection and usually no problem maintaining an erection. Sometimes we have to stop because I get a little raw from so much friction (figure if we go a little longer maybe he will ?)

I think he needs to lay off the porn and the masturbating and see what happens.
He may need to retrain his brain to accept sexual pleasure in a different way.
The mind body connection is very complex and it just may be that he is acclimated to only one way of getting pleasure.

Question,if he enjoys porn but finds a womans vagina less than appealing,what is he watching porn wise?

Perhaps you could try to duplicate his porn fantasy.


I have tried telling him to stop watching porn and not masturbating. He says that he almost never masturbates except when he is with me... sometimes I am not sure if I believe that. But I know he watches porn almost every day. The only thing I can do is put parental controls on his computer?? And then when we tries to go to a porn site and can't he will ask me what's going on and I will tell him? He did tell me a few times, jokingly, that is the only way he will stop looking at porn. Maybe I should do it and see what happens?

Oh... he looks at all sorts of things in porn... he just doesn't like to see wide-open close-up shots of the ladies "". When he said that to me last week I started to cry because I had no idea he felt that away. Then he felt bad... said he didn't mean it the way it sounded. He's seen lots of vagina in porn and I have a very nice one... but that vagina... in general turns him off.

Too much thoughts and worries. Thoughts are giving emotions and fears that can happened. Try not to think of anything, just live the moment and feel.

I am honestly trying... we don't talk about it often. We don't have sex too often either and I don't pressure him about it. It's there... we can't help but notice that it's there. Even if we don't talk about it... it's there. When we have sex, I usually and he loves to watch me . I suggested he masturbate with me so at least I can be part of his orgasm and that took some time for him to get used to. He is REALLY shy! Even though we live together and sleep together and have sex together and walk around naked together etc... he is still a uncomfortable masturbating with me and he doesn't know why.

I have tried telling him to stop watching porn and not masturbating. He says that he almost never masturbates except when he is with me.... sometimes I am not sure if I believe that. But I know he watches porn almost every day. The only thing I can do is put parental controls on his computer??? And then when we tries to go to a porn site and can't he will ask me what's going on and I will tell him? He did tell me a few times, jokingly, that is the only way he will stop looking at porn. Maybe I should do it and see what happens?

Sorry if I' m wrong and it 's hard to tell you this, but after all that you said I think the porn sites are more interesting then you(sorry about that)... So if he told you to do... "that"... why don't you give it a try ?

Don't lock the computer. This will cause resentment between you. I have tried this with my husband and a game caled world of warcraft. It just causes anger.


It could be any number of medical issues. Or he could be masterbating too often. Definitely time to take a break from the porn and see a doctor.

I agree with Artlady that he may have become desensitized to having an orgasm during sex because of the visual stimulation he now requires through the porn-masturbation habit.

I suspect he needs to refocus on a real woman (i.e. you) and literally lay off the porn for a while. However, if he can't control his desire to look at it, then he's got a problem. It's not up to you to control this for him - he has to do it.

Talk to him - how important is your relationship to him? If it's important and he wants to shift his masturbation-porn addiction then he needs to take steps to do this. It's his choice, and you can't make it for him.

He's a big boy now - he can't continue to ignore your feelings and needs in the relationship - if he's seeing a doctor about his testosterone levels - then perhaps he can get a referral to a counselor.

Sorry if I' m wrong and it 's hard to tell you this, but after all that you said i think the porn sites are more interesting then you(sorry about that)...So if he told you to do..."that"...why don't you give it a try ?

Could be... but I am way more sexually adventurous than he is. He knows this too. I don't ever push him though because I don't want to make him feel insecure. Maybe the knowledge alone makes him insecure? I don't know. I don't want to lock his computer because there should be a level of responsibility on his part to be adult enough to know that what he is doing isn't helping. I guess I could lock it... just until he notices and asks me about it. Then we can have another talk about him cooling off on the porn and masturbation for a while. We've talked about how the porn and masturbation isn't helping and he understands why I tell him not to... but then says he can't stop because when he's bored he has nothing else to do. I used to believe him... but he asked me to clear the history in his computer because he has to bring his laptop to work and I checked the history and it's not like he's surfing the web for hours and then is so bored he looks at porn. Most of his porn history is first thing as soon as he logs on to the computer in the morning. (sigh)

we don't talk about it often. We don't have sex too often either ... He is REALLY shy! Even though we live together and sleep together and have sex together and walk around naked together etc.... he is still a uncomfortable masturbating with me and he doesn't know why.

Try to start a discussion with him... If he is shy then you got to do the next move. Talk to him and show him that you care. You should be like a teacher for him... That's my advise..

I agree with Artlady that he may have become desensitized to having an orgasm during sex because of the visual stimulation he now requires through the porn-masturbation habit.

I suspect he needs to refocus on a real woman (i.e. you) and literally lay off the porn for a while. However, if he can't control his desire to look at it, then he's got a problem. It's not up to you to control this for him - he has to do it.

Talk to him - how important is your relationship to him? If it's important and he wants to shift his masturbation-porn addiction then he needs to take steps to do this. It's his choice, and you can't make it for him.

He's a big boy now - he can't continue to ignore your feelings and needs in the relationship - if he's seeing a doctor about his testosterone levels - then perhaps he can get a referral to a counselor.

He often says that... he's masturbated for so long he can't any other way. I know it stresses him out because he WANTS to when we have sex... and he can't. I think this makes him even more depressed :(

While it DOES happen that men find porn more attractive than their lovers, its not the only reason, and its definitely not the first thing you should look to. Most of the time, if a man is no longer sexually atracted to you, he LEAVES. Especially if he isn't married to you, and isn't 'stuck' in the relationship know what I mean?

Oh... I just noticed that when I write the word ( c u m ) it doesn't show up in my posts! I am reading them and thinking to myself "hey!!! I forgot the word" but I know I wrote it!

He often says that ... he's masturbated for so long he can't any other way. I know it stresses him out because he WANTS to when we have sex .... and he can't. I think this makes him even more depressed :(

This makes me want to Really EMPHASIZE him going to the doctor. If he is depressed, it can be helped.

while it DOES happen that men find porn more attractive than thier lovers, its not the only reason, and its definately not the first thing you should look to. most of the time, if a man is no longer sexually atracted to you, he LEAVES. especially if he isnt married to you, and isnt 'stuck' in the relationship know what i mean?

I know what you mean. I have asked him if he is attracted to me... told him that I would understand if he wasn't and that I don't want to force him to be with me if he doesn't want to be with me. He always replies "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be" I am a big girl too - always have been since I met him and I have always said to him that I know I am not like the skinny girls in the porn he watches etc... but he says porn is just something he watches and I turn him on in so many more ways than porn. I am just feeling bummed... like there should be more I can do to help him but that maybe I am the problem. I don't want him to feel trapped because I would hate for him to be with me because he has to.

...going to the doctor. if he is depressed, it can be helped.
It might be an answer, but I tell you communication is the base of any relationship, so... talk to him, don't be afraid to do this, he might need your affection.

It might be an answer, but i tell you communication is the base of any relationship, so ... talk to him, don't be afraid to do this, he might need your affection.

Trust me - there is no lack of communication and/or affection in our relationship. We never fight, we don't argue. We get along SO well. We're best friends as well as lovers. We laugh at how other people always fight, how silly people are for not communicating etc... We talk about everything... but the fact remains - he is shy and he is frustrated at his inability to orgasm during sex. I know he doesn't want to have kids and I have suggested we use condoms so we have better protection but that doesn't seem to help either.

Trust me - there is no lack of communication and/or affection in our relationship. We never fight, we don't argue. We get along SO well. We're best friends as well as lovers. We laugh at how other people always fight, how silly people are for not communicating etc... We talk about everything ... but the fact remains - he is shy and he is frustrated at his inability to orgasm during sex. I know he doesn't want to have kids and I have suggested we use condoms so we have better protection but that doesn't seem to help either.
Well then put into his place and see what's his desire... What would you do in his place...

I still think that you might benefit from an objective third party assisting you with this issue.

If you're both so well suited and can talk about everything - then talk about this and figure out, together, what you're going to do.

Getting on well together is great - but the mark of a good relationship is being able to talk about and work through the really difficult issues.

I am working on that - trying to get him to open up about it. I am sure it can't be easy for him and he always says "I'm so F*@ked up". I try to reassure him but if he feels that he is messed up there isn't much I can do to help him.

I suggested we see a therapist for this but I think we're going to investigate the medical avenue first to see if there is something medically wrong with him. If all is well in that department, then some therapy might benefit us both.

Mr. M? I am not sure what you mean by your last comment.

What kind of porn does he watch?

Why does a source of pleasure, for both of you seem like a gross place for him? Is there a bad history there for him?

What parts of life he afraid of? Why is porn such a source of comfort and normalness for him? Why doesn't he watch it with you? Shy, I could be totally wrong, but I don't think that's the reason he won't masturbate in front of you.

He often says that ... he's masturbated for so long he can't any other way. I know it stresses him out because he WANTS to when we have sex .... and he can't. I think this makes him even more depressed :(

It is a vicious cycle and the only way it is likely to change (if not a physical issue) is to stop what he is doing now.
Success in bed is not always measured by having and maintaining erections,or even orgasm.

Taking it slow and being open and avoiding the stress of performance will be a good way to begin.Set a goal not to have any orgasms,mix it up a little.

Performance anxiety can be a real downer.

If he is bored during the afternoon,there are many other hobbies he could be engaging in besides porn and masturbation.
He needs to understand the change needs to begin with some of his behaviors(possibly) and he needs to decide what he is willing to give and give up to make your relationship better.

Sounds like me, I have some high blood pressure but I've been trying to stay away from salt and fast food. Check him for high blood pressure it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had the same problem and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't perform. I never had a problem satisfying her because I know how to work my tongue pretty good. See if he's up to using a dildo on you it might turn him on. I don't know how you feel but many men have a secret desire for threesomes. Maybe things will be up and run its course. You never know until you try! :)

Sounds like me, I have some high blood pressure but I've been trying to stay away from salt and fast food. Check him for high blood pressure it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had the same problem and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't perform. I never had a problem satisfying her because I know how to work my tongue pretty good. See if he's up to using a dildo on you it might turn him on. I don't know how you feel but many men have a secret desire for threesomes. Maybe things will be up and run its course. You never know until you try! :)

I'm not sure that threesomes are a good solution when they can't even manage a good twosome!

Sounds like me, I have some high blood pressure but I've been trying to stay away from salt and fast food. Check him for high blood pressure it couldn't hurt.
My wife and I had the same problem and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't perform. I never had a problem satisfying her because I know how to work my tongue pretty good. See if he's up to using a dildo on you it might turn him on. I don't know how you feel but many men have a secret desire for threesomes. Maybe things will be up and run its course. You never know until you try! :)

Secret desire ,fantasy is one thing ,bringing someone else into the mix takes a very stable relationship,of which this is not,right now.

If there are issues between TWO people, bringing a THIRD person in is not going to HELP with those issues---unless the third person is a counselor, and you're TALKING with the third person, not having sex with him/her.

I would like to know what HE is trying to do to make it better. You both seem aware of the problem, and his response is to say he's messed up and watch porn? I know, that sounds harsh, but if he is so wonderful in every other aspect, and willing to try, and is affectionate... He should be more open to trying anything at all.

It may be that be is putting too much pressure on himself as well. I know my hubby will do that once in a while and then he gets frustrated and can't finish, and he's such a vanilla the idea of doing something else for me doesn't seem to occur to him. If he has such a hard time ejaculat*** the issue sounds more like something he needs to talk to a doctor about. Especially if you have tried everything.

As for getting him betwixt your nethers, if he doesn't like the way our anatomy looks, try turning the lights off! Some of the most interesting experiences you wind up having intimately can come from experimentation and a willingness to be open. That sounds to me like the biggest issue, and your biggest hurdle, trying to get him a little more comfortable being open about it.

By the way, if you do go to counseling, try having him go to the doctor first, if it is medical, he will stop blaming himself and it will be a huge sigh of relief!

The guy NEEDS to see a doctor, to determine if its medical or psycological in nature. Until its determined WHICH it is this is all just guessing.

Thank you all for your input. We are seeing a doctor about it.

We talked the other night about it... it was a long discussion. He says he watches porn when he is bored because there is nothing else to do. He has chronic pain and can't do too many physical things. We are investigating for some sleeping disorders right now because he suffers from insomnia. He wakes up at 4am and can't get back to sleep so he goes downstairs. He said he watches porn strictly out of boredom. When he is done doing all the other things he normally does to alleviate the boredom, he turns to porn. He says "when I am bored, I do what most other men do - I look at tits" and he assured me that he doesn't masturbate. His lack of sexual desire right now could be linked to so many things: chronic pain, financial stress, work stress, medical condition, lack of sleep, etc. and until we thoroughly investigate all the avenues, it is hard to know what the problem is. He understands why I feel the way I do and has promised me that the only times he does masturbate is with me. He used to masturbate several times a day and has really pushed that back to maybe a few times a week. He wants to please me but has so much going on right now it's just one more thing to add to his plate of stressors so I don't push him too much.

I know he loves me and wants to be with him and I am sure this will sort itself out in the end either by discovering what his medical conditions are, when the financial and work stresses are resolved and/or by seeing a therapist/councilor. But... this is going to take some time. For now... I don't want to push him. He is such a great guy... I don't want to add even more stress to his life by making him feel bad about his inability to ejaculate during intercourse. He feels bad enough about it himself. I think his inability to ejaculate during sex is one of the many reasons that he isn't really that interested in having sex too often because every time we do have sex he is faced with his inability to finish.

As far as threesomes go etc... he has never had any of those experiences. I would call all of his experiences VERY Vanilla. I, on the other hand, have had very many different experiences which I have shared with him. He is intrigued but at this point is not interested (though he jokes about having another woman with the "can I watch" comments etc. what man doesn't have a pervert in him?) - in reality, he says he is not interested in adding other people to our sex life. I don't blame him.

This is going to be a slow and steady thing. We will examine the medical, the stress and finally, if all else fails, the "emotional" or mental side of things. It could be in his head.

Sounds like he needs a hobbie.
video game? Cable? Movies? A book? Anything to make him not reach for 'himself' in bordom you know?

I'm glad to hear it! I hope it made the both of you feel better to talk about this. One less stresser can be so so helpful. Good luck!

Cronic pain can be the major factor there... nothing like pain to keep the noodle soft. I've had several operations that had me in some pretty serious pain for a few weeks.. let me tell you THAT was about the only thing that adversely affects Willy the one eyed wonder worm from standing at attention.
Do not equate that with guys instinctive nature to like to see naked women. The two are not necessarily linked. We like seeing naked women just like many women like to read romance novels... and before a woman jumps up and says they are NOT the same... I will say to a man seeing naked bodies is no different than a woman reading about romance and imagining the rest.

Depending on how severe his pain really is to him it can be a small factor to a major factor.

He doesn't have a problem getting an erection - there is almost never a "soft noodle" problem. It's that he can't ejaculate. He sometimes stays hard for long we have to stop because he knows he can't finish. We don't concentrate on it... but he says he wants to ejaculate... he feels it getting really close and just as soon as it feels so good he's almost going to finish... it goes away and he's left with an erection and can't go on. Sometimes his penis gets SO sensitive we can't even touch it anymore.

He does have hobbies - video games, forums, movies, etc. But when he's exhausted all of those, he watches porn. Like I said - he said he is committed to getting this sorted out and doesn't masturbate when he watches porn anymore. His being single for most of his life has caused his only "sex" to be with himself. Being with me is very new to him and at my request he has stopped masturbating alone. In the beginning he said it was really hard to do but now, I think with all his stress and pain, his lack of "desire" makes his promise not to masturbate without me easier to keep.

He said he's addicted to porn - and he can't seem to help himself and finds himself watching it when he has nothing else to do. So... having said this... now what? I don't have a problem with porn at all - I have a problem with how much and how often and only because we don't have a great sex life. I have told him that if we had great sex I wouldn't care if he watched porn 4 hours a day every single day... I don't have a problem with porn.

He needs to see that doctor... if he isn't whacking off several times a day to the porn that isn't the reason for his problem. While pain MIGHT be an issue with that, I'm not sure it is. I know in my case with a lot of pain its usually an all or nothing issue. But I guess it might not be enough to kill it altogether, but it might be enough to provide suficient distraction to make finishing difficult.

That's might very well be the case as distraction is a very effective means to delay ejaculation for sometimes several hours of intercourse. I developed that technique myself about 30 years ago (before there were books on it or the WWW) so I know it works.

I think he might be reluctant to admit the probelem is physical and is willing to blame anything else. But a Doctor might be able to see throuh the distractions and find a root cause, and treat it if possible. Guys get really funny about performance issues... the last thing they are willing to accept is their own physical problems.

He needs to see that doctor....if he isn't whacking off several times a day to the porn that isn't the reason for his problem. While pain MIGHT be an issue with that, I'm not sure it is. I know in my case with a lot of pain its usually an all or nothing issue. But I guess it might not be enough to kill it alltogether, but it might be enough to provide suficient distraction to make finishing difficult.

Thats might very well be the case as distraction is a very effective means to delay ejaculation for sometimes several hours of intercourse. I developed that technique myself about 30 years ago (before there were books on it or the WWW) so I know it works.

I think he might be reluctant to admit the probelem is physical and is willing to blame anything else. But a Doctor might be able to see throuh the distractions and find a root cause, and treat it if possible. Guys get really funny about performance issues....the last thing they are willing to accept is their own physical problems.

I need to get a book... lol

When you guys go to the Doctor, ask for a prostate exam. He won't like it but the gradual increase of the problem you mentioned a couple of times might indicate the problem being there.

If he really likes porn then tell him that you want to make your own porn video it may spice things up and evoke an orgasm