I get upset/mad/sad/jealous when anything other than me makes my girlfriend happy. When something other than her makes me happy she's happy for me unless she's hiding it from me. Why do I feel like this and what can I do to stop it?
We're 20 and have been dating for 14 months now and it's always bothered me a little but it's now starting to effect our relationship. What can I do?

Sounds like you don't love her at all. If you really loved your girlfriend, you would be happy that she's happy, nor matter who or what is making her happy.

As for you, you have controlling issues. It's good that you recognized this part about yourself. It's time for you to get some professional help. Go see a therapist or counsellor to help you with your self-esteem and confidence, as well as your controlling tendencies.

Had to spread the rep I wish! Well said. Many good points and a great suggestion.

I really have to agree that it does sound as if you don't really love her. Because if you did you would be happy that she is happy. What you are doing right now is turning every happy and positive event in her life into a huge negative.

I also agree that you seem to have a controlling issue and it really is good that you have recognized this problem within yourself and that you seek advice concerning it.

I would also suggest that you seek therapy in order to help yourself to get to the bottom of your issue as well as finding a solution to it.

To tell you the truth it's not every single good thing that I get mad at. It's the stuff I feel like I should be there for. Like vacations and weddings, when the only thing she can talk about is these. Yes that would be horrible if I got upset every time she was happy.

Another quick question here... I'll tell you why this came up after the answers but...
Do you think people change when they get married?

I get upset/mad/sad/jealous when anything other than me makes my girlfriend happy.

Hmm... so ANYTHING that makes her happy, and isn't you, upsets you? That's petty...


to tell you the truth it's not every single good thing that i get mad at.

Wait, I thought you just said... aha! I see, you're contradicting yourself!
You're in a contradicting situation with your girlfriend. You want her to be happy, but you only want her happy when it makes you happy, in other words, when YOU make her happy. Still petty, and controlling. This is a sign of emotional instability, and possibly a personality disorder (possibly, not likely).


it's the stuff i feel like i should be there for. like vacations and weddings

Okay, so it's only the big stuff that you care about? That's shallow, as even short-lived events in one's life can be as meaningful to someone else. I'd be willing to bet it IS everything, but you don't sweat the little stuff. To tell you the truth, fourteen months isn't actually that long, and you haven't been in her life very long. It is nothing compared to the twenty years that she has had her family. When she goes to parties, weddings, on vacation, or whatever, and you're not there, big deal. She was with these people up to eighteen years and ten months. Then, she is with you for fourteen months, obviously, she is going to want to spend some time with them instead of you.

And, finally...

do you think people change when they get married?

This could only mean one of two things.
1: Either, whoever's wedding she was at has since taken a larger role in her life, and you're jealous.
Or
2: You want her to marry you, and want yourself to change for the better.

I hope it's the latter, because at least it shows some willingness to change, whereas if it was the former, it shows movement in the opposite direction.
If it is neither of those two possibilities, then it is completely irrelevant to the matter at hand, as far as as much as you have told us is concerned.

Either way, in my opinion, no single thing actually changes a person. It's the total collection of all that has happened to a person in their life that changes them. In the terms of a wedding, it wouldn't be the fact of "we are legally spouses now" that would change a person, but how much heart they put into planning to satisfy their significant other, what exactly happened at the wedding, the fact that they now have in-laws (gasp!), all of their family and friends' reactions to the event, and other stuff of the sort. However, this ALSO means that a traditional wedding will have MUCH more effect on the change on a person than getting hitched at a shotgun chapel one weekend in Vegas.

This isn't love, and its about you wanting her to revolve around you, it really makes me feel bad for the lady... I would want the person I am with to be happy, and if I can make them smile 4times a day I'd want something else to make them smile 100 times, you must get over this or you will turn to make her miserable as as yourself

First of all, if the two of you are serious then you need to lighten up. Don't be mad at her, say to her "I need to understand you" and because you're both young work on your relationship. Then respond "I have a problem" then take it from there. Two heads are better than one! Don't feel threatened she's yours and she will agree. Jealousy will break up people don't let it break you two. ;)

You sound kind of like my boyfriend. Not to be mean but that's a sign of emotional abuse. You need to ease up and let her be herself. If you love your girlfriend let her be happy. I'm sure she'll be much more happy if you let her do her own thing.

All these answers are really great, I really appreciate it. Since I've posted this I've already started to loosen up and relax about the issues at hand. I do love her and I do want her happy more than anything else in the world and all of this has made me realize that my life with her is more important than anything else at this point, no matter what it is...

I know in the end (3 or 4 years from now) I'm going to end up marrying her and I know this issue of mine isn't dealt with yet but it's a start and the only thing I can do now is to talk to her about it.

YOu have only been dating for 14 months, and I think it is quite natural to feel insecure in a new relationship.

You will find in the early stages, that you compare yourself to other men, other people's reactions and affects on her, how she interracts and communicates. It is natural to feel a little inadequate, or coming up short, wondering if you have done enough, said enough, expressed yourself enough so she knows how you feel about her.

I don't think this is controlling behaviour as much as I think it is just you getting to know her well enough to feel secure in your relationship. In the beginning we all put our best foot forward, and try 100% to impress, and please our partner, only to have others seemingly make greater impressions.

As time goes on, and the fact that you recognize your feelings as a potential problem, is therapy in itself. As her sincerity is unquestioned and you are certain she is being truthful, you could give her one flower picked out of a garden, and it would mean as much to her as a dozen red roses she receives from a friend.

The meaning and interpretations of behaviour, until you know a person really well, seem questionable, and it is hard to just accept things at face value. As time goes on with your girlfriend, you will hopefully see that she is the type of person you thought she was, and your insecurities will vanish. It will only get better when you realize that you can allow yourself the freedom to just accept her saying, "I love you", and know that that encompasses and means everything.

As to marriage, it is similar in that love is no different on a Friday than it is on a Monday. Making a commitment to marry should be a natural course of events that have culminated over a period. You will have the luxury of loving unconditionally, and being loved unconditionally back.

People do change, of course. Nobody can predict the future, but with a common denominator and strong communication and trust (and love), you can overcome anything that comes your way, together.

I have been married 33 years this July 17th. I can say with honesty that the man I met all those years ago and fell in love with, is still the same love as it is today. Not to say that ups and downs and knock down drag out differences of opinion haven't had us wondering about each other, but, when you start with love, respect, and communication, those things never change.

Glad you're loosening up.

As the others have pointed out, 14 months isn't that long. Give yourself time to allow the relationship to develop. You don't need to get so far ahead of yourself.

If you treat her well and she's happy, then you should be happy. You don't need to worry about so many things. Relationships are suppose to happen naturally. So just focus on enjoying the time that you spend together and things will fall into place.

But also realize that she has her own life and you can't control her actions. By wanting to control her life, you will just push her away. While she's doing her own thing, you should do your own thing as well. Even though you two are a couple, doesn't mean that you're involved in every aspect of each other's lives.

I had someone just like this in my life once and it made me grow to resent him. No matter what fun thing I talked about, good news, something new, anything at all, even hanging out with friends and something funny happened. Well he would get all quiet and mad like. After some time I just stopped talking. Why bother sharing if its just going to cause guilt. I guess what I am saying is your going to cause her to have resentment towards you. If she can't share and laugh with you about things that have happened in her life then what good are you? You're the one insecure and you need to just be happy for her or your going to lose what you love most right now.

I have been told by every older couple I've ever ran into that relationships take work..

Also, I want her to be involved in every aspect of my life.

I have been told by every older couple i've ever ran into that relationships take work..

also, I want her to be involved in every aspect of my life.

It does take hard work. It's fine that you want her to be involved in every aspect of your life, but you cannot expect the same thing from her.

If you don't mind her being in your life and having some sort of control over you, then that's your business, but it's unreasonable to expect the same thing from her. You have to respect her wishes. Remember, you are with her because you make her happy.

If she doesn't make you happy, while respecting her wishes, then she's not a good match for you.

Well I plan on thelling her that everything that I've done... all the being upset and sad and mad at her was because I was trying to change her, move her away from things I can't stand. And that if she wants to keep doing whatever she wants it's fine because she's her own person and makes her own choices. But there's a couple things that I can absolutely not stand in a person and she did them before me and doesn't really anymore but still holds onto a couple of them, so I'm going to tell her that I'm not going to date this kind of girl ( and list the things I can't stand) not specifically about her of course.

If you start listing the things you can not stand then that's going to put a pile of strain on your relationship. You might as well pack it up and walk away right now. Just doing that you will have her walking on egg shells thinking you hate everything she is doing. If she made choices BEFORE you that you don't like then so be it. Its before you and that doesn't matter now. Why don't you try pointing out what makes you happy and what you love most about her. I am sorry but reading your posts I just see you causing your own doom. How would you like it if she sat you down and listed what she couldn't stand. Even if its not about you, it kind of makes you wonder doesn't it??

You're right it was a bad idea.. I do need to tell her why I love her you're right and I have pleanty of reasons but when something upsets me I write it down and when it keeps happening again and again and I keep getting upset over and over again I feel like she should know why.. I have a notebook where I keep things like that and granted it's not even half a page but I feel like she needs to know and I need to tell her to get any effect. She knows these upset me but she keeps doing them for some reason. Like she completely forgets the past..

I don't think she forgets, I think she is who she is. You can't change her. I don't know what it is upsetting you so much but you can't change a person.
My husband has been doing the same darn things for years and years, even though they make me cringe. But its just him. That's who he is and I can't change him. You either have to learn to love her for who she is today and move on with her, or let her go. If you have already talked about these things with her your only going to sound like a nag.
One question, why are you so focused on the negative? That's what I don't understand. You seem so determined to change her ways and remind her of the negative rather then loving her for who she is and accepting her.

Tendencies are one thing... I understand those things like I hate the way she loads the dishwasher or puts towels in with clothes when doing the wash or eating off my plate. I understand that. All that us fine..

Why am I focusing on the negetives? I honestly don't know...
Wait maybe because I see all of her negetives growing into big huge problems when we're older? Because I picture the future and I'm going to be the happiest person alive because I have her but for some reason I see her bad habits inflating into huge irreversible problems

Have you ever thought of your bad habits?
Maybe you chew like a hog and you don't realize it. Maybe your being anal about what load to put the towels in gets on her nerves. Its all these quirks that should make you love her. If she were exactly as you wished she would be then how boring. You sound anal and controlling in a sense. Again, I see this relationship as being doomed. Nothing you said is major. Its all anal picking. Who cares about those petty things.
What's on the list by the way? The things you hate about her.

OK the list... it's down to 3 things because the rest are stupid but..
1.) drinking on weekdays.. I know it's dumb everyone does it but I can not stand it.. like absolutely can't stand it.. when I think about it it drives me nuts and my head goes crazy cause I can see it in our future..

2.) telling me other guys are hot. One time a while back she asked me if she could have one night with a celebrity that she thinks is perfect apparently which made me very mad of course.. so I told her about it and it stopped until recently. Now she tells me about hot guys everywhere and even goes as fas as... "you should look like that"

3.) treating me differently when we're with friends.. mine or hers... for example I'm in mechanical engineering at school and one of the classes I worked my off for a D, which I was very upset about because I did do all I could and still only got a D. so I told her I got a D and she said she was proud of me... until we went to a concert with our friends and probably about 6 times that night she laughed at me saying "haha you got a D" and "who's never got a D in college?"

Yes I know the actual argument sounds very childish but it's the concept of the whole thing,
Something I ligitemately feel horrible about she's poking fun at

ok the list.... it's down to 3 things because the rest are stupid but..
1.) drinking on weekdays.. i know it's dumb everyone does it but i can not stand it.. like absolutly can't stand it.. when i think about it it drives me nuts and my head goes crazy cause i can see it in our future..

2.) telling me other guys are hot. one time a while back she asked me if she could have one night with a celebrity that she thinks is perfect apparently which made me very mad of course.. so i told her about it and it stopped until recently. now she tells me about hot guys everywhere and even goes as fas as... "you should look like that"

3.) treating me differently when we're with friends.. mine or hers... for example i'm in mechanical engineering at school and one of the classes i worked my off for a D, which i was very upset about because i did do all i could and still only got a D. so i told her i got a D and she said she was proud of me... until we went to a concert with our friends and probably about 6 times that night she laughed at me saying "haha you got a D" and "who's never got a D in college?"

yes i know the actual arguement sounds very childish but it's the concept of the whole thing,
something i ligitemately feel horrible about she's poking fun at


The drinking on week days could just be her thing right now. Unless its out of control I wouldn't worry. Your young and have no responsibilities just yet. I don't see that as an issue just yet unless its out of control. I personally have a beer nearly every day. But I function just fine.

Telling you other guys are hot I understand. That would bother me also. But having that "what if" celebrity talk isn't such a big deal. That never going to happen. But her comparing you to others is bad for your ego just like knocking your grades.

Maybe a talk is fine about how she makes you feel. But you need to realize there might be a side to her story also. You might have issues that bother her. Leave it open and talk together. Don't talk at her about what you hate. Talk together about what bothers you and how you can fix it or grow from it.

I have brought it up before and she doesn't know why she changes when we're around our friends about the knocking the grades things.. she even cried, but that seemed to do nothing because it still happens...

With the comparing me to other guys things I bring it up and she think's it's stupid. She always hugs me and tells me I'm the sexiest guy out there while I think I'm definanitly not because of what just happened... she seems to think it's no big deal even though I've brought it up several times...


I'm thinking she changes depending on who she's around because she doesn't really know who she is?

You should be able to go out with her, and reasonably expect that she isn't going to humiliate, put you down, or get other people to laugh at you. That is a sign of a very insecure person using another person to bolster their confidence and approval rating.

When this behaviour starts to happen, and you are promised that it will stop, and she says she understands why you feel the way you do, yet she continues, that is not a sign of a very sensitive or caring person. It certainly doesn't show love toward you.

She should treat you well, regardless of who is around, or what the circumstances are.

Partners have that ability to push buttons, but there is always a purpose. To make themselves look good or superior, or show off, but it is always at someone else's expense.

After what you have said here, I think that I would be concerned too. I wouldn't want that type of person as a friend, and I surely wouldn't want her as a long term partner.

You should be able to go out with her, and reasonably expect that she isn't going to humiliate, put you down, or get other people to laugh at you. That is a sign of a very insecure person using another person to bolster their confidence and approval rating.

When this behaviour starts to happen, and you are promised that it will stop, and she says she understands why you feel the way you do, yet she continues, that is not a sign of a very sensitive or caring person. It certainly doesn't show love toward you.

She should treat you well, regardless of who is around, or what the circumstances are.

Partners have that ability to push buttons, but there is always a purpose. To make themselves look good or superior, or show off, but it is always at someone else's expense.

After what you have said here, I think that I would be concerned too. I wouldn't want that type of person as a friend, and I surely wouldn't want her as a long term partner.

Exactly why I'm worried... she's not like this always... and she feels terrible when I bring it up, but I don't know what more to do... I need to sit down with her and just tell her about it because I know she was scared I was going to leave her.. and I'm not I know I'm not.

She just says things like that when we're around friends...

Could this come back to her not really knowing who she is?

Not necessarilly. Most people act different depending on who they're around, it's natural. It sounds like she still digs you, no matter where you are.

Also, have you asked her if YOU act any different around other people? I find that I have done the same thing without realizing it plenty of times before, because it's natural to act one way around one person, but a completely different way around another person.

You will just have to talk it out. If she can't understand how it makes you feel or how it humiliates you then maybe she isn't the right one for you. You shouldn't have to feel belittled by the one you love.

OK even considering everyone acts differently depending on who you're around there has to be a reason why she completely forgets what upsets me and just goes on making me feel like again and again

Force of habit. How old is she? 20. That is a long time to build up habits you don't like. You cannot make a 20 year habit go away in fourteen months. It takes more time, and patience.

Maybe, when she was with all of her high school friends, they encouraged each other to get better grades by jestering at the expense of the friend who got the worst grades.
Most likely, around her friends, she would talk about "good looking" guys, and she still does it now, even when you're around.
Etc. for everything else you don't like.

Bottom line, she doesn't mean to offend you, and she is sorry. However, you need to be more patient and understanding, and give her time to adjust to you more than herself, if it really bothers you that much.

I guess the only thing I can really do is tell her again and be patient

Also, another thing you can try. When someone say something like "Have you seen the new movie with [insert actor she fancies here]?" Change the subject. Be all like "Or, how about that new comedy staring [insert actor she doesn't like here]?"
Other things just to steer the conversation away, be it about anything she talks about which you don't like. It can be an effective way to, while not pointing it out, at the same time, get your point across.

Sounds like a good idea... anything else I could probably know?

Hmm... I can think of nothing, right now. Just be patient with her, and don't get mad if she slips up occasionally because it will happen. You need to help her, if she doesn't want to offend you, because only you can be sure what will.

Others may have other suggestions though, so you'll have to wait and see.

Anyone else with other suggestions I'd love them

Hey fish I am sorry I was hard on you earlier. At first you were just sounding nit picky about things. You didn't come right out with this part of it. Now I can see how your hurting and I understand it. I would be feeling the same way.

It's fine I probably didn't explain myself clear enough.. and the last 3 days all I've been doing was thinking about this; so over the 3 days have completely changed how I see this relationship... I don't know how that will change how I act though

Well when you think on things too much you sometimes lose the clear picture.

Yeah thet's probably what's happened.. give it a few days lol

I would talk to her too, seriously this time. If you cannot communicate something as simple as how you feel when she belittles you and puts you down, how can you communicate far more serious issues that you will face as a married couple.

Maybe it is just her nature to behave this way. Will she treat any children the same?

Because it is continuing, and you need to have her stop what she is doing, that shouldn't go without some consequence.

To avoid situations in which she behaves this way to you, would be to pretty much cut out your social life. That is not a good alternative either.

I think you are on the right path in figuring out whether she is capable, and willing, to change, or not.

to tell you the truth it's not every single good thing that i get mad at. it's the stuff i feel like i should be there for. like vacations and weddings, when the only thing she can talk about is these. yes that would be horrible if i got upset every time she was happy.

another quick question here.... i'll tell you why this came up after the answers but...
do you think people change when they get married?

Sounds like you should be getting mad at yourself but projecting your mad on to her instead. Often when people do things they feel weren't what they should have done or something they should have done instead of getting mad at their own self they take it out on the ones they love.
You need to learn to redirect your anger and be more assertive and proactive in a constructive way.


Do people change after marriage.
It depends...

1. Some people do not change and remain happily ever after married.

2. Some people do change.

3. Some people only show their good side until after they get married or think they have their partner wrapped around their finger good enough to be comfortable with letting their true colors show.

So I went to her vacation to visit her the last 2 nights and she said her mom told her she didn't look like she loved me... she said when she was young she never left her husbands side and all that jive and that my girlfriend doesn't seem like she's in love when she's around me...

Just letting you guys know... what do you think about that?

Ask her yourself. Its not what we think. If her mom notices it and says it then maybe the love isn't there. You just need to tell her all your feelings and have her put her out there to. You won't know otherwise until you talk to her.

I understand that... and we will have a big long talk on Sunday about everything... I just don't really know what I'm going to say anymore... I mean I have all my notes written down I guess I'll fall back on those

I would just like to give you kudos.
You came on here frustrated, posting before you thought about it very much, and ended up sounding like another one of those controlling, manipulative guys out there.
Even after everyone on the first page accused you of this, you didn't blame us, nor get mad. You simply kept trying to get help.

Most people wouldn't have done this, and it shows more commitment to your girl.
I would like to apologize, for myself and the others who accused you of the same, and thank you for sticking around and being dedicated to your girlfriend.

Please keep us updated on the situation after you get to talk to her!

I will you guys have been a lot of help

You can "hope" that she changes.

But DON'T "expect" her to change.

If you go into a relationship or marriage expecting your significant other to change, then there's 2 things:

1) You're setting yourself up for disappointment.

2) Yon don't really like that person as much as you think. You just like the good stuff and hope that the person can fix the bad stuff. You can apply this to anyone on the planet. Take anyone off the street, appreciate their good things and hope they change the rest. (Slight exageration, but it gets my point across)

It doesn't work that way. You either like the whole package or you don't.

I understand that... but I do love the whole package... it's just the things I've told you about that I can't stand... and she already feels terrible about them, so even if she doesn't change they're not that bad to deal with

but i do love the whole package...it's just the things i've told you about that i can't stand...

There in lies the contradiction already.

Nobody is perfect. Furthermore, nobody is going to be the exact person that you want them to be, that's what we call a fantasy.

The only thing you can really do is mention the things that bother you and IF she decides to change, then great, otherwise, you got to accept those things. If you insist too much, you will be the "controling" boyfriend and it will just push her away.

I would just like to give you kudos.
You came on here frustrated, posting before you thought about it very much, and ended up sounding like another one of those controlling, manipulative guys out there.
Even after everyone on the first page accused you of this, you didn't blame us, nor get mad. You simply kept trying to get help.

Most people wouldn't have done this, and it shows more committment to your girl.
I would like to apologize, for myself and the others who accused you of the same, and thank you for sticking around and being dedicated to your girlfriend.

Please keep us updated on the situation after you get to talk to her!

Greenies to you for this! I felt the same way and also apologized already.

Thx much sunflower!
Lol, I know, you need to spread the rep, as you just gave me some the other day!

Thanks for all the help guys.... i'll let you know what happens when i talk to her, even though i have no idea what to say lol.... if there's anything else you'd like to say just let me know. i'd appreciate it

All right so I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and she knows we're going to talk but I'm absolutely clueless... I have no idea what to say... I've got all my notes I've taken over the last week cause writing things down keeps me calm but I honestly don't know what to do... and of course I spend last night on vacation with her again and she bought the tiniest skirt I've ever seen, and she's not that kind of girl... I don't know what's got into her... it's like she's dressing to get a boyfriend now... so I'm lost I have no idea what to say... I don't want to yell but I need to talk about things. So



Any advice?

Well I talked to her...

... and?

Yes. I too would like to know the outcome of your "talk" with her.

Haha I know you guys would


So.. I went over her house and just sat on the couch with her.. and by this point her parents and her best friend all know I'm coming over so we can talk...

So I get over there and we joke around like we normall do, we go to lunch and when we come back I ask her if we were going to talk...

Well since I really didn't know what to say so I took all of the notes I've made all week and I told her they were from the beginning of the week and how I'm over most of it...

So she read them, and asked about a few... laughed about some and was crying and I don't know exactly what happened but I looked into her eyes and told her thet if she's not happy then I have to let her go.. so she started crying more... I then showed her the list of reasons I love her and that made her feel better...

And I know this sounds like I had it all planned out ans everything but that's not the case.

She read the list and she also had the same list she had written.. I read it and I couldn't be happier because I forgot about these things...

After that we figured out she was leaving on vacation on Friday... and her going on vacations is one of the reasons we were fighting before. So of course I tell her I was planning on taking her to a movie on Friday so she thinks I'm mad again...

We left the house at that point because her parents were making us angry and we're driving we both basically yell at each other for a good 10 minutes... she think's I'm mad again for her going on vacation, and I was upset about her leaving earlier and not being able to enjoy that last Friday night before she left for another week. Which I wouldn't be able to see her... but I was very angry at this point for her automatically getting mad at me for getting mad, so I yelled that I wasn't mad... and she always assumes I'm in the worst mood, which yes makes me angry... we both settled down because we both were upset about her leaving Friday because she was also planning something for our Friday.. so we settled down because we weren't actually mad at each other

None the less we went back to her house and everything was calm once again... I wasn't in the best mood at this point and I know she wasn't either but we decided to go to a movie fairly early, and it was a chick flick which made us both feel good about what we had I think..

So we went back to her place and on the way we talked about things some moreand what I first posted on here... and when we got back to her place the talking didn't stop.. and I don't remember what exactly we were talking about because there was so much and all kinds of emotion.. but I do remember this...

She said something like we needed to take a step back.. because our conversations have been fake basically for a long time... and I told her it's because we're taking each other for granted... we both assume that no matter what we're going to end up married which makes us try to please the other one less... which makes us look to the future instead of enjoying now... and also she doesn't look forward to our time together like she used to... so I told her we need to stop assuming everything about tomorrow and enjoy each other today

I told her I'm needy and jealous... that's who I am, that's as much me as anything else and she tols me she doesn't like that about me, but both of those reasons were in her list of reasons she loved me, so she then said she loves it sometimes, but only when she's needy or jealous... so I told her that sounded selfish..

That's when she said she doesn't really know what kind of girlfriend she is, which reminded me of about 4 weeks ago when we went to a concert and she absolutely made me feel like the entire night with the making fun of my grades and everything of that sort. And after that night I told her I know she's not that why girlfriend who verbally abuses her boyfriend but she was acting like it... so last night I told her she needs to figure out who she is.. she needs to find herself and figure out what kind of girlfriend she's going to be... it was soon after that I left because it was getting late but the whole way home I felt terrible and I told her that.. I felt like I shook her up and left her to put the puzzle back together and I told her that too... I felt horrible and worried the whole way home.. when I went to sleep I texted her goodnight like I always do but this message was 9 text messages long...


When I woke up this morning I was nervous until she texted me... I was basically running around with my head cut off nervous until I walked outside to my car and on the way I thought about her being herself and how there's 2 pairs of sandals that are her.. they're everything she is and I think they're the ugliest things in the world but when I was walking I remembered the look on her face when she showed me them and she was so happy... and for once they were something that no one else influenced... they were genuinely her... and that made me the happiest I've been in a long time, just thinking about that...
I thought yes they're ugly but they're her.
Also I talked to her this morning and she hasn't really thought about "finding herself" yet today but I told her about the shoe thing I I think it made her very happy


And now here we are

Oh fish I am so glad you were able to talk to her and get it all out. It was so true what you said about being taken for granted. Every couple out there goes through that. Also what you said about enjoying today. I think that rings true for all couples married or not. People don't just sit back and enjoy the moment. With the world like it is today everyone is always worried about what's next. You did great!!

But I have to say I only hope she stays true and works through this with you. She is working on finding herself you said. Some people spend there lives trying to find who they are. Lets hope for your sake she isn't one of those. Maybe together you can grow and she can learn who she is with you along the way.

It sounded like it went well and I am sure there is a huge weight lifted off you anyway.

It was so true what you said about being taken for granted. Every couple out there goes through that. Also what you said about enjoying today. I think that rings true for all couples married or not. People dont just sit back and enjoy the moment. With the world like it is today everyone is always worried about whats next..
That's exactly what she said, she said" yes we need to enjoy today and stop looking forward cause when we're married what are we supposed to look forward to?


But I have to say I only hope she stays true and works through this with you. She is working on finding herself you said. Some people spend there lives trying to find who they are. Lets hope for your sake she isnt one of those. Maybe together you can grow and she can learn who she is with you along the way.



I told her I'd be right next to her the entire way and that I don't want to sway her or convince she's someone she's not because I only want her happy... she said she was going to share everything with me and I really hope she does, because how many people get the opportunity to grow with a person like this? I'm so happy she's letting me walk with her and just stand next to her while she does this...

It is beginning to sound more and more like a maturity issue, on her side. Meaning that she is not as committed as you are to either being a girlfriend, or a future wife.

That is not a fault, it is more that she is just not in the same place you are right now. You want to move forward toward a deeper and more meaningful, realiable relationship, and she she said she wants to take a step back, and she doesn't know what kind of girlfriend she is to you.

So while you're trying to move forward, she is taking a step back, for whatever reason, and neither of you are in the same place.

Maybe she feels overwhelmed emotionally too. If she is not ready to accept and be comfortable with moving forward, perhaps it is just her backing off because she feels pressure. And not necessarily from you, but she's feeling pressure to do the right thing, feel the way she's supposed to toward you, and feel good about building a future.

All of that when she's not comfortable with the present relationship.

You, on the other hand, wish to resolve current conflicts, and her immature actions toward you (the putdowns etc.), and get past the differences, while solidifying the relationship, and moving forward together.

There has to be a certain level of commitment to begin with, in order to build a solid foundation that leads to the future. Without that in a long term relationship, you have nothing to fall back on when times get really tough.

I see you 'correcting' her instead of validating her feelings. For example when she says her conversations with you have been 'fake' for a long time, or she says that she doesn't look forward to her time with you like she used to, you have answers to explain her behaviour, and that is not what she needs to hear. You correct her thinking, and that leaves more doubt for her, than understanding of what she's saying.

For you to start with an agenda, i.e. the list, it may have cleared the air, but not in the way you wanted.

It is hard for me to see the two of you in a long term commitment. Maybe you are trying to hard to understand her, and she is floundering for words that you will really hear. It may be time to just ease off, and go again, but when she is ready.

While you may wish for her to be different, or think differently, it is sort of like forcing a square block into a round hole. It just may never happen. There may not be enough of a foundation that can be worked on, to reach the goals you want.

We talked about taking a step back as she called it and just acting like a normal couple... but the way I see it is it's not taking a step back that we're doing... we're simply slowing down to enjoy every minute of our lives together... that in itself is not stepping backwards. If anything it's moving forward

As a maturity issue? Yes she is somewhat less mature than I am.. she's done with 2 years of college and has had 3 majors. I have had one and not switching ever...

But that in itself is normal if nothing else... she's going to be fine. I understand every relationship needs a strong foundation and I don't know exactly what creates a foundation for any relationship... maybe you guys could help me out with this..

PLEASE do not tell me I'm not going to make it work with her or we're not meant for each other or anything like that... I don't want to hear it anymore, she's my world and I know she feels the same about me

I do hope it works, you obviously love her very much.

All I can add is try not to be blinded by love. Too many see and interpret things about their partners that may not be entirely accurate.

I just had my 33rd wedding anniversay, so I guess that makes me a bit of an expert on long term relationships. Either that, or it makes me a total idiot lol

A foundation is a mutual meeting place that you fall back on, when times get tough. It is knowing that you are loved unconditionally, and you love unconditionally. It is respect of eachother's opinions, goals, needs, desires. The good, bad and ugly of just being human without losing the farm when you don't always present your best face to your partner.

It is having an opinion that isn't corrected, but debated. It is speaking your mind without having to wonder if lightening will strike, and having your thoughts regarded with respect, even if you disagree. It is anticipating how another will feel, before you say something, and respecting their reaction, and putting their needs first.

It is not allowing third parties to know what your intentions are, or opinions are, of problems, when your partner should be allowed privacy without influence. Some things are just within a loving circle of two people, and they should stay there.

It is humbling to be loved so deeply that you are allowed to pursue your own goals, and have someone in your life who will put your needs first. It is also a mutual goal in life to see your partner through to their goals as well. Compromise and loyalty.

It is about agreeing to disagree, and being your own person, faults and all. No two paths of any couple will always be equal. Think of it as two different roads, one going north, one going south, but the main road in the middle, is the one you travel together, at the end of every day.

It's knowing when to talk, and when to listen. When to help, when to step back. It is letting the other fight their battles and deamons, and being there with a 100% commitment when they are adapting to change.

It is also about being satisfied that you have given that extra inch, walked that extra mile, and you don't have to think twice that you can also count on that from your partner.

Much of that comes with time, but goals and plans can't be set in concrete, because even concrete is subject to the forces of nature. Adapting, and falling back to that comfortable place that only two people who love each other can do, when hard times and unpredicted events happen. You can't schedule life.

My husband is not the same person he was 33 years ago, except that the essence of him, his character, integrity, loyalty and unwaivering love is still there, stronger than ever. But then, he had all those characteristics, after 2 years of marriage, or 10...

Much of that which you will love about your partner will change, and grow, but the foundation stays the same.

Without that, it just won't work.

I have read that 4 times now and I''m trying to interpret it into my life and what I keep thinking is basically it's knowing that you can be yourself and still be loved unconditionally...

Could I possibly have examples?

All it really means is that you don't expect your partner to be anybody that he isn't, and they don't expect you to be anybody other than you are.

When you consider someone's character, what that really means is the type, or kind, of person they are. They could be compassionate, generous, attentive, loyal but they may be unmotivated to reach their potential, or try for the promotion, or cut the grass every week because they'd rather go fishing. You still love the person they are, but you realize you cannot mould them to fit how you think they should be.

Accepting the whole package means not expecting to change the essential person that they are.

My husband and I were dubbed 'the odd couple', and 33 years later we are still the odd couple. We have totally different views on politics, religion, and we are both very strong individuals in our own right. He is quiet and comfortable in his own skin, I am always into new projects, new jobs, different experiences. He doesn't expect me to sit and read a book anymore than I expect him to skate 10k with me on the Rideau Canal in Ottawa in the dead of winter.

But, all the elements we do share, are what really counts. I never presume anything, or speak for him, or interpret his words, he is his own person, and so am I. We have had some major battles, knock down drag out fights, but in the end, things have always worked out. Not one is more important than the other.

Not everybody can recognize what they need, or want in a person, let alone how they can accommodate another person's needs. When you consider how rare it is that you can have someone in your life that you can share yourself as you are, without expecting you to change essentially who you are, then you've hit the pot of gold.

Wow, that's exactly what I needed to hear...

Threads merged


I've been in a relationship now for 14 months and I love her more than anything.. but for some reason my mind picks at little tiny things and dwells on them for up to days at a time, I even dream about these tiny insignificant things

I know she loves me like I love her, and I know no matter what she's always going to be right by my side

But I can't help the little tiny things eating away at my brain

Please keep all the questions related to the same issue in the same thread.

If it bothers you so much, then don't put up with it. Otherwise, try to find compromises. You can't expect her to magically change.

By FB
I've been in a relationship now for 14 months and I love her more than anything.. but for some reason my mind picks at little tiny things and dwells on them for up to days at a time, I even dream about these tiny insignificant things

That's simply because you don't know how to cope with them in a positive way. From reading all your posts, which were merged by the way, your biggest obstacle is your expectations for the way she is, is a bit unrealistic, while its you, and your issues you should deal with.

For one you will never control another, but you can control yourself. In the first year your learning each others ways, and how they make you feel, and then what counts is what you do about those feelings, the adjustments you are willing to make. That takes time, and patience, and a good understanding of yourself. But as you learn, you must be patient, and know when to shut up, back off, and give her time to process the information you give her, without demanding she change.

Impulsive actions are a negative reaction, so above all, think long, and hard, before you act or speak. Its good you write things down, that's a plus. But the bottom line is always to be aware, and willing to work on your own issues, and be honest about it, with her, and yourself. The dreams will stop, and the obsessive behavior, and thinking, will fade as through developing good social coping skills, will change the way you react when presented with them.



I know she loves me like I love her, and I know no matter what she's always going to be right by my side
But I can't help the little tiny things eating away at my brain

First to offset inexperience, gathering facts is the way to go, I suggest these links to you.

Coping skill - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coping_skill)

Coping.org, Tools for coping with life's stressors (http://www.coping.org/)

Basically what is needed is a plan of action when those thoughts pop up, like when she does things differently from what you think she should, ask why she does it that way and then you can understand her why and not presume you need to re-teach her, that's about acceptance, putting your feelings in their place, and having the appropriate action for the best results. Through practicing that strategy over and over, you actually retrain your brain to think different, and act different.

Another thing is your age. Your both young, and sound fairly well trained in the classroom, but your education in personal interactions, may need further work, and this is a process, like all learning and growing, so patience, and compassion are the tools to develop. You both have to allow each other to grow, and that means give each other the time and space, to do so. That's how you work together to build the bonds of communications and start a strong foundation on which to build a loving caring relationship.

So what I'm starting to think is this comes down to a trust issue.

My trust issue, and not being able to completely and fully let her in. I think I'm sort of keeping a distance between us, and trying to make it look like there's no distance if that makes any sense at all.

It's like I'm not letting myself completelly and fully trust her, maybe because of what's happened in my past, maybe because I'm scared of what could happen so I try to expect everything coming.

I expect her to be a terrible girlfriend just like the ones I've had in my past, I think I expect her to cheat and lie and just be a to me. When she's done none of that to me, I've never seen any signs of it there's just no possible way she'd do that, yet for some reason that's what I'm scared of. That's why I take off work to be with her on Saturday nights, so she can't hang out with her sleazy friends, that's why I have a problem with her drinking, that's why I get worried when she goes on vacation, that's why we have so many problems is because I can't trust her, even though deep down I know she's perfect and no matter what she'll always be mine and she'd never do anything to hurt me because she knows what will.

But the thing is... now that I sit here typing this I keep telling myself I trust her and I picture her in my head and the very next split second my head starts thinking about everything I just mentioned like her in a bar drinking and being taken home by some guy, but when I think about those things I don't se her... I see some arbitrary blonde skank and I never really see my girlfriend.

Any thoughts?

Maybe you need to work on letting go of the issues with your ex's from the past. How is that fair to your current girl? Everyone has bad relationships, that's why we call them ex's. You have moved forward now and have her. You know she is a good girl but you don't trust her because of the bad girls from the past. That's not fair to her and not fair to you or the relationship as a whole. Your not letting her be her own individual and prove herself to you. Your seeing her as what you have had in the past and your waiting for it to happen. This isn't healthy and you need to get over it and let that all go. All your hurt from previous relationships.

What I get is that you see her as a completely different person when she is with her friends, than the person she is when she is solely with you.

That bothers me a bit because you are not comfortable with her as 'the package', you are only picking and choosing the qualities you like, and transferring the qualities you don't like, to the arbitrary blonde skank as you said.

You are certain of some things when she is the girlfriend, but very unsure of her character when she is the 'other' person, away from you.

I'm not saying you have reason to see both sides, what I'm saying is that all the characteristics belong to one individual. You cannot control the person you think she is when she is not with you, and you cannot control the person she is when she is with you.

It's like you have to keep learning how to trust her all over again, after she is the 'other' person.

In your head you understand the significance of this contradiction, but in your heart, you have not reconciled the two.

I don't know if she too, isn't one person when she's with you, and another when she's out with her friends. Perhaps she's giving you what you want her to. When she's out, she is not subject to the same critical analysis. Maybe in the safety net of being surrounded by her friends she lets loose a little anger and frustration with the put down comments to you that she wouldn't normally have an opportunity to express.

Could it be her way of letting off a little steam? Have you ever talked to her about how she feels when she is around you, compared to how she feels when she is around her friends, or around her friends with you present.

That may be a missing link here.

Like everybody has been telling you you need to work on yourself before you can have a whole relationship with her or anyone. Your LOVE is dysfunctional and you can not have a healthy relationship until you fix you.

FEAR-
Fear is an emotional (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion) response to threats (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coercion) and danger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risk). It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimulus_(physiology)), such as pain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pain) or the threat of pain. Psychologists John B. Watson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_B._Watson), Robert Plutchik (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Plutchik), and Paul Ekman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Ekman) have suggested that fear is one of a small set of basic or innate emotions (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion). This set also includes such emotions as joy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happiness), sadness (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadness), and anger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger). Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety), which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.[1] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear#cite_note-0) Worth noting is that fear always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable.
SOURCE-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear

Your fear is ruining your perspective, and judgment, and coloring the way you deal with your reality, in a positive way. Its keeping your attitude dark, and your reactions, negative.

Instead of learning the lessons of the past, you are repeating them. Examine all the highlighted links for some valuable insights.

Well I'm back again...

So when I left last time everything had worked out. We talked we understood, everything's great, I even started to realize what real love was. It had progressed to something bigger than that teenager's high school love where every thing about the person is perfect and we could see each other as who we really are. The reason this hadn't happened sooner is because I didn't want to let the cheesy love go because I liked it. It made me feel good, but now that we've gotten past that I feel better, I wake up just knowing that the girl I love is mine, I know that sounds cheesy in itself but my life was just generally better, I didn't have to be with her to be happy, unlike previously.

So we had a couple arguments that didn't turn into fights since the last time I've been here and every couple does that. The way we handled them was very adult and I know I'm making this sound like we're being professionals but it was the way my parents or her parents handle things. Everything was going great. I was happy we finally got into this stage of our relationship.


So a few weeks after all this she moves back to school, which is fine, we did it last year, we'd be OK. Her school is only an hour away from mine and even though we're both busy we see each other often. She moved back a week early and because of where she goes to school I had some concerns about what would be happening that week before school. I told her I was concerned that she'd be drinking and going out and all this stuff, but she reassured me nothing was going to. As I think I've previously stated I absolutely hate it when she drinks or goes out on weekdays, I can't stand it, I don't know why. So that's where all my worries came from, I just can't stand her doing that. So of course she reassured me everything was going to be fine so I put it out of my head, because it was an irrational worry, after that I was fine again. My worries were gone, everything was perfect. I helped her move in and all that and it couldn't have been better.


So last night I was moving some things to my apartment and she tells me she's drinking, This obviously upsets me because I can't stand her drinking on weekdays as I said. So I at first try to justify in my mind why she's drinking, I said well she could be doing it for her heart (she was drinking wine), or maybe she likes wine, but I realized she hates wine and she doesn't care about her heart health. So I'm very upset at this point, so there's an argument of course and it's a big one. There's yelling and all this and she can't understand why I'm upset. And I tell her it's because it's Wednesday but she thinks it was fine because she has nothing to do the next day. Because when we're fighting she likes to split hairs to justify whatever I'm upset about. And it's always drinking or going out.

There was a lot of arguing and then she yelled at me "Maybe I wanted to!" and then she goes on about how she's going to do what she wants no matter what and it's everything she wants and all this about what she wants. So in the end we compromised and she said she'd never drink in the summer unless it's a weekend or holiday and I have a feeling that's not what she wants. But regardless that is the only thing I won't let her do, everything else, drinking on weekends without me is fine. I drink, on weekends, it's fine if she does.

So my question is besides talking to her about what she really wants and what I really want what do you think I should do?

Also why am I afraid of alcohol?
And why can't I handle it on the week days?

So your questions and major concerns now are, why are you afraid of alcohol, and why you can't handle it on weekdays.

Good grief!

You have just described a whole relationship issue that has nothing to do with either.

What you are doing is obsessing about your girlfriend, and interjecting your fears and insecurities on her, and through intimidation, you control her. And her actions.

Can you see that you cannot control another person under any circumstances? Love has nothing to do with it, concern for her has nothing to do with it. It is all about YOU.

You have the problem with her decisions to drink because you are insecure that she may be the other person you have described, and drag men home with her. You have the problem with obsessing over it, and feel that is somehow twisted into love, but what it really is, is controlling another person.

If you can stop her from doing the things you don't like, then you won't obsess over them, and your life is under control.

Do you see that this is really wrong?

You cannot demand people do what you want, scream and yell at them when they don't obey your demands, and turn it all around to be somehow okay when they comply because YOU feel better that you have the 'problem' under control.

Who do you think you are! If it wasn't the alcohol, it would be something else, and will probably turn into more the longer you are with her.

If she chooses to drink on days that bother you, that isn't her problem, it is your problem.

If she chooses to do anything that is contrary to what you want her to do, again, that is not her problem, its yours.

She is a package as we've posted about before. You can't pick which qualities or behaviours you want, and demand that she change the ones you don't like, to suit you!

If you cannot live with her making her own decisions, regardless of what they are, and particularly where there isn't a problem with her decisions except the way you perceive them, then you have a problem with control.

I think this boils down to how you handle the things she does, that you don't agree with. Frankly, she is old enough to do her own thing but again your letting your fears dictate your reactions, and you let them lead you to be controlling. She caved this time, (agreed to your terms to calm you down, is what she did. That's one way to stop an argument), but how long will she put up with being told when she can do what SHE wants to do, ( on her off day?? ). Projecting your fears, where ever they came from, is your issue to get over, not hers, but you better tell her of them ASAP, so at least she knows the FACTS.

Also why am I afraid of alcohol?

Any bad experiences regarding yourself, or others, could be at the root of this fear.


And why can't I handle it on the week days?

Because you probably are being responsible, and have things to do during the week.(?)

Confession- I have the same fears about my wife driving without me with her, but I don't stop her from doing her thing without me though.

That was very inciteful...

I'm afraid of alcohol because my dad has always drank, every day, when ever we got done with dinner and he'd be passed out in the couch before I went to bed when I was little.

And you're right I do have responsibilities during the week, and things that need to be done well.

I can see how I would be projecting my fears, that makes sense

And I don't like her drinking without me, but I'm fine with it on the weekends, yes I still worry but I'm OK with it

And what about the main issue, which is controlling her behaviour.

Is there any merit in that?

I don't want to put you on the spot, but do you see yourself as controlling?

Yeah I can see that, I can't stand not being in control, in any aspect of my life, I prefer to drive rather than ride passenger, if I'm following someone I have to be in front. That's how I am

You need to be more flexible, so you can make adjustments to changing circumstances, (FEMALES!! :eek:) and whatever else life throws at you.

Be cool like me,:cool: LOL!! Your lady will love it! :D

So if you don't mind me asking, why don't you like her driving without you?

Been in, and seen, the results of too many car accidents.