My girlfriend of 5 and half years broke up with me two weeks ago after we had a fight. She says that she just can't do it anymore and that she can't see herself getting married to me so what's the point The thing that hurts most is how sudden a change it was. I thought we were very happy just a week before. In fact, just a few days before the fight, we were listening to the radio and telling each other which songs we would have at our wedding. During the first week after the break up, I did many of the common mistakes which others have spoken about on this site (ie. Calling, begging, telling her I'll wait for her) but finally decided to pull myself together on Saturday and called her to tell her that I would give her all the space and time she needs and started no contact from there. I figured I'd give her a month of NC, and then give her a call to see how she is going and take it from there. My question is what are the realistic chances of getting back together? This is our first break and I love her dearly. I used to think that our relationship would survive anything but the harsh reality of life is starting to set in now. I have spoken to my friends and they tell me that it is normal for couples in long term relationships to have a break. So now I'm just feeling really confused. Should I just try to write off the relationship in my mind or hang on in there for the one month of NC? I don't want to give up on the relationship especially if it is normal for couples to go on breaks, but I also don't want to set myself up for heartache and go through what I did during the first two weeks again.

It sounds like there was lack of communication for her to say she
"just can't do it anymore." This came out of nowhere for you? It sounds like something was really bothering her and she didn't bother to tell you. Give her space. When she's ready, if she's ready she'll talk to you. For now just do your own thing. Hang out with friends, take up a new hobby. Just keep occupied.

Also, if she does call me during the NC period and wants to meet up, should I go? Should I even answer the call?

You guys were together a long time. I typically say no, don't answer the phone or talk to her, but for your case I would say to talk to her if she happens to call. If she calls you two can get to the bottom of the reason she broke up with you so suddenly you might be able to save the relationship, but it sounds like you guys would really need to work on communication if you were to get back together.

It sounds like there was lack of communication for her to say she
"just can't do it anymore." This came out of nowhere for you? It sounds like something was really bothering her and she didn't bother to tell you. Give her space. When she's ready, if she's ready she'll talk to you. For now just do your own thing. Hang out with friends, take up a new hobby. Just keep occupied.

Whenever we would have a fight, I would run away and go to my parents house instead of talking about it with her. I think this is what she meants by she "can't do this anymore"

Yeah, to be honest that would do it for me too. In a relationship it's important to work on problems rather than run away from them. When you run away you're not dealing with them, they're still there.

You guys were together a long time. I typically say no, don't answer the phone or talk to her, but for your case I would say to go ahead and talk to her if she happens to call. If she calls you two can get to the bottom of the reason she broke up with you so suddenly you might be able to save the relationship, but it sounds like you guys would really need to work on communication if you were to get back together.

I do realise now that communication was a problem in our relationship. Also another big problem was that I got complacent and started taking her for granted. In fact I've thought about it a lot and do realise what caused the breakup but I honestly believe that our problems can be fixed and are pretty normal for any couple. Its just so confusing at the moment because from all the posts I read, it feels like once there's a problem a relationship is most likely over. If that is the case, it does really shatter my belief in true love, and that true love does come with its up s and downs along the way.

I think the important thing is to give her time to think about things. At this point, she's the one that's going to have to initiate contact if she wants to talk. In the meantime you can talk to us on here. We can help you through the hard times.

I can tell you from personal experience, I was with a guy for over 4 years, and he completely took me for granted. I'm not saying you are anything like my ex, but he actually told me at one point that he didn't have to try anymore because I was stuck with him. We were engaged, we certainly weren't married. I think after he said that in my mind I was slowly drifting away and by the time I broke up with him I was already pretty much over him. There was no reason to look back.

Thanks for the advice Zoe. The only thing that worries me about this site is that from the posts on here, it feels like there's no chance of fixing anything after a breakup. I mean, I certainly don't believe that there are any couples out there who don't go through some of the stuff people on here (and myself) have gone through and continued to love each other till old age.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about how we could fix our problems lately and was thinking of suggesting that we go to "couples therapy" if she does call me. I really want to work on this relationship and honestly do think that we can fix this. Any thoughts on this?

We don't want to give anyone on here false hope because that's counter-productive.

How old were you two when you got together? At what point did you feel like you started taking her for granted? I guess I'm just trying to get a better idea of what you're going through.

Age of you two is going to play a big factor of the advice I give to you. Please post the ages of you two and I will try to give you some sound advice.

We don't want to give anyone on here false hope because that's counter-productive.

How old were you two when you got together? At what point did you feel like you started taking her for granted? I guess I'm just trying to get a better idea of what you're going through.

We were both 18 (turning 19) when we got together. I moved to a different city for a job nearly two years ago, and she moved up with me. After six months, she got accepted to do her masters back in our home town so she decided to move back. About a year later (6 months ago), I moved back to our home town and the job was killing me and I wanted to be back with her. When I got back, we moved in together and I think that's when I started taking her for granted. I think the job I took up in Sydney was a main cause of the strain, as it was a very high stress job (stock trading) and I was always grumpy and tired after work and it took me time to recover from this even when I got back to my home town.

That's kind of what I thought. People will change a lot during the years between high school and finishing up with college.

So her brother just messaged me over the internet. Apparently she is really missing me, but she has also said she is happy with what she is doing because she is more carefree. He thinks that I should give her a call this weekend, which would be about 10 days of NC. I was thinking of doing it for a month before I made a call. Not really sure what to do now, I don't want to call too early, but I also don't want to leave it too late. Any advice much appreiciated!

So her brother just messaged me over the internet. Apparently she is really missing me, but she has also said she is happy with what she is doing cos she is more carefree. He thinks that I should give her a call this weekend, which would be about 10 days of NC. I was thinking of doing it for a month before I made a call. Not really sure what to do now, I don't want to call too early, but I also don't want to leave it too late. Any advice much appreiciated!

My advice would be to wait until she contacts you... IF she contacts you. Don't chase my friend. Enjoy life and if she wants to find you, she will.

And I am just curious, who told you a month of NC? Where did you get that from?

My advice would be to wait until she contacts you...IF she contacts you. Don't chase my friend. Enjoy life and if she wants to find you, she will.

And I am just curious, who told you a month of NC? Where did you get that from?

Yea that's what I think I will do. Just advice from all my friends, most say 1-2 months break. Other sites on the internet say at least a month as well.

You do your thing, and she can find you if she wants. Life doesn't stop because of her, with her, or without her!

Carry on my friend!

Different things work for different people. I know of people who stayed in contact during their breakup and got back together. But at the end of day, it's down to how much that the opposite party wants to save it. If you call after a month/2 months then she might have already moved on. If you call her before that then she might find it intrusive.
No matter how stubborn someone is, if they want to save it, then they'll reach out to you. You just have to use the time in between to heal & improve yourself! If they don't get back in contact, then you have to accept it, but at least you've used that time to better yourself for your future instead of wasting it on worrying and being listless.

I don't want to give up on the relationship especially if it is normal for couples to go on breaks, but I also don't want to set myself up for heartache and go through what I did during the first two weeks again.
I think she misses you, but wants her freedom, because she is not the young teen ager you got together with. You can't fix things without help, so leave her alone, and do your own thing without her, and let her do hers. I think it's a mistake to wait for someone to make decisions for you, so make your own right now. Would have, could have, should have, is a game for losers, don't play it.

See how YOU feel in a month, but no way, do I contact someone who dumped me instead of talking things through. Maybe she needed a break, maybe not, its no longer your concern is it?

Hey you tried begging, it didn't work and seldom does. Crawling back with out a definite invitation won't either, no matter how you feel about it.

Interesting she chose to run home like you have done before. Your both still young, and immature, and need to focus on yourselves, and your future, and not each other.

Thanks for all the advice guys. I think I will stick to my guns and continue NC till at least the end of next week - god its so hard though! The only other thing is that her brother did tell me that she's not going to call me unless I call her first. So confusing? I hate all these games we have to play in life. Is there such a thing as eternal love? These events have really shaken my entire belief system. I used to believe that our love could never end. Now I don't think I can ever look at another relationship like that again and its really disheartening because what's the point if that is the case? It feels like a big part of my soul has just died, and I'm empty inside. Oh my, how ignorance was bliss!

We understand your pain and it seems first time break up are the hardest ( I can tell from experience ). First of all, it is normal to have a breakup and it is very rare that first time love stay together. I just recently went out of my first break up after 3 years of dating.
I think you are asking yourself the wrong question and you are clinging to false hope. Usually when a girl breaks up it is finished and she is only trying to make herself feel better if she wants some contact.
I don't think there is anything as eternal love, there is only great love that you work very hard to keep it. Once you get yourself better and you get a sense of your OWN life you will see things clearer and when you will fall in love with someone else you will forget all the pain. For now, we are here for you.

Let the dust settle, and make a decision with a few days to yourself, but sending messages like this through her brother is a bit immature, like in high school. That's a game for kids.

Yea her brother just messaged me on the internet to see if I had something of his, and after I said bye, just couildn't help myself and asked how my ex was going and that's when he told me all the above. Kind of regret breaking NC now, but he promised me not to tell his sister that he talked to me though. Hopefully he will keep his word

In the book back in the very old days of 1970. Emotional problems like breakup and how to handle them. That help me tremendously, not to get my back but to understand the breakup situation in life till now 40 yrs later. The question is not whether you might get back but because you do care for her and love her, than try to show in a different approach what that means. No contact is never good although it doesn't have to be direct communication because it can be through love notes or just a card once or twice a week . A reminder to her that you care. When there is no communication that your relying on others to influence her on your account. Others to tell her you do love her or don't love her or others to tell her you're a jerk for jerking her around with games and arguments. If she has someone smart influencing her than it might work out well for you, but if she doesn't you might lose her forever. And have regrets of never knowing what caused her to change her mind and leave you forever. In the book the breakup process either last 1 month 1 to 2 yrs or forever and you will never forget her. Like I have 40 yrs although married with children and wouldn't change the circumstance but regret not being able to communicate with her because of many others that influence her to leave me. Don't make the same mistakes if she means alt to you.

Did you ask yourself why she makes you own life happy? It seems that your happiness is based on whether she is there or not. I say you have to learn to let go and love yourself...

Did you ask yourself why she makes you own life happy? It seems that your happiness is based on whether she is there or not. I say you have to learn to let go and love yourself...

Yep, she does make me happy. I enjoy being around her. Is this not normal for any relationship? Why else would you be in a relationship with someone? I know that I can be happy again eventually if this break up is for good, but I honestly feel deep inside that what we had is worth fighting for.

Anyway, caved in and gave her a call tonight and had a really good chat. I kept extremely calm and was just honest to her, which I think she appreciated. Basically told her that I understand what she is feeling and why she did what she did, and that if I didn't call her for a while, it was because I wanted to give her space and not because I was avoiding her or angry at her. She told me she misses me heaps and loves me, but basically just wants time. So now I am feeling a bit better, but trying to keep my hopes down so I don't get burned as bad if things don't work out again. Plan now is to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

So much for going NC for a month.

So your back to square one trying to wait for her to change her mind. Are we seeing a pattern here? You should. This is where you started at with your first post.

Just a question, why didn't you ask her how much time she is talking about she needs?? You made a point to tell her you wouldn't call her, and would respect her space, why would you not ask her that question??

So go ahead, and hold your breath, until the next nice chat. She is making decisions for you both, and you allow that.

Make a decision that works for you, and that takes you out of your holding pattern.

Yep, she does make me happy. I enjoy being around her. Is this not normal for any relationship? Why else would you be in a relationship with someone? I know that I can be happy again eventually if this break up is for good, but I honestly feel deep inside that what we had is worth fighting for.

Anyway, caved in and gave her a call tonight and had a really good chat. I kept extremely calm and was just honest to her, which I think she appreciated. Basically told her that I understand what she is feeling and why she did what she did, and that if I didn't call her for a while, it was because I wanted to give her space and not because I was avoiding her or angry at her. She told me she misses me heaps and loves me, but basically just wants time. So now I am feeling a bit better, but trying to keep my hopes down so I don't get burned as bad if things don't work out again. Plan now is to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

What I meant is that can you be happy on yourself or is your happiness dependent on her? Anyhow I think I can translate what she is saying: "I want some time"="I want to look around and I want to string you along". There is millions of situation that are exactly like that (mine also). It is just trouble, just get out of it and start healing. Tell her you have taken a decision and that you will start healing by yourself. Only then will you feel better.

Agreed, I'm am trying to read a whole bunch of forums right now as well, my GF of 4.5 yrs just decided to break it off. I am in the same boat as you my friend, the want to reach out to her, but the need to wait, and the feeling like she doesn't want any part of you anymore. The feeling like everything inside that made you who you are has died, and you will never feel emotion like that again, I feel you. I still don't know what to do... and am looking for advice. Meet at the same age as well, I was 19, she was 18.

It is hard to understand the rules of how to fight in an argument.. but one of the things I read on the first page of your thread is that you would RUN to your parents house and not face the argument... If that is what you did.. that is a big problem.. I am with my husband, we have been together 6 1/2 yrs and married almost 6.. (Short engagement lol).. anyway.. he did the same thing.. ran to his parents house every time we fight.. he'd pack what little items he considered his in our home.. and leave.. it drove me NUTS!!! That is a HUGE HUGE issue.. but as far as the chances of getting back together.. yes you have a chance.. after that much time invested in the relationship, I think you have a good chance.. but to add to a lot of the same opinions and advice you have been given.. you have to work on that communication.. I would call / email whatever you feel is appropriate in that month's time and be ready to hear some things you aren't going to like to hear... Hope it all works out.. I got my own bee's nest to contend with!