So I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, long story short, I found out when we were broken up he had unprotected sex on several occasions. I am deeply hurt but I also feel that I am overreacting... I feel betrayed but I'm not sure if I should just accept it and move on.

Why is accepting this an option for you? Don't you think you deserve better? He put you at risk. Have you been tested for STDs and HIV? If not, please get tested right away, and again in 6 months.

Secondly, a boyfriend for 10 years? If after 10 years it hasn't progressed beyond "boyfriend" status, then it's not worth holding onto.

Well we are still young and it happened when we were in high school.. we both have been tested since... this happened 5 years ago and I found out today a long story how..

If it happened 5 years ago,
Let the past stay the past

He had sex when you were broke up and so often high school boys don't even understand commitment truly.

But I will agree if you are talking about "dating" while in JR high as part of this??

But if you love him, get over it, get counseling and move on

I wouldn't trip to hard over something done a long time ago. Move beyond this, but getting tested was good judgment.

If your not willing to forgive him and if your going hold this over his head then leave.

You stated he cheated but the reality is he didn't because the two of you were on a break.

Well if it happened a long time ago while you were split, yet you're just finding out about it then I can see how you may consider wanting to continue.

But if you do then you must decide to leave it in the past. You cannot tell him you forgive him and then throw it in his face whenever you get angry.

so i have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, long story short, I found out when we were broken up he had unprotected sex on several occasions. I am deeply hurt but I also feel that i am overreacting... I feel betrayed but i'm not sure if i should just accept it and move on.

It's up to you. You were broken up, right? One thing I'd do for certain is get tested for every STD under the sun. I hope you're o.k..

What bothers you? The fact that he had unprotected sex or the fact that he had sex with others while you were apart?

I think it hurts because the relationship was 10 years, and that was a huge chunk of your life to invest in someone. At the time, when you split, you probably didn't realize that you loved him after all.

I think you must have loved him, and because he had sex with other women, that just hurts. You wouldn't have cared, or felt the same way if you no longer loved him.

While fidelity is important to you, and it should be, by breaking up with him, he was a free man, and not intentionally hurting you. But, sex is sex, and not enough to build a relationship on.

That you've worked it out shows he is re-committed to you, and you have no reason to think that he would cheat again. Obviously there is more to your relationship and what the two of you have together goes beyond one night stands.

The question was should you forgive him. He's not done anything he needs to be sorry for. Perhaps the person who needs to be forgiven is yourself, for opening that door when the relationship ended.

Time to move on.

Once again great advice from Jake 2008. She is one smart cookie. I would like to add however, the fact that he told you. I think that shows great commitment on his part to share with you the details of his life while you were apart. However, it leads me to wonder why he waited so long to tell you? Can you share some of the answers to the questions that have been asked above? i.e. what part of this bothers you, that he cheated, that it was unprotected, or that he waited to tell you?
Do you feel that you trust that there aren't other things that he just hasn't chosen to disclose to you or wonder when they may come up? <--- my point in that question is:
Are you able to trust this person, do you have trust in this man? That is a very important ingredient to successful relationships and if you don't know the answer to that question you need to take some time to work that through.

If you forgive him enough to take him back then you should be able to forgive him enough for whatever he did or didn't do. You forgive him for being with other women, what makes protected or unprotected any different... other than now you and he need to get std tests.

Why is accepting this an option for you?? Don't you think you deserve better? He put you at risk. Have you been tested for STDs and HIV? If not, please get tested right away, and again in 6 months.

Secondly, a boyfriend for 10 years?! If after 10 years it hasn't progressed beyond "boyfriend" status, then it's not worth holding onto.

WOA! I do not agree with this statement at all.. damn!

First off, he put her at risk cause he had sex? She can use condoms and birth control pills.. and you assume he didn't use condoms for there sexual inhabitants?

Second off, why does everything have to lead to marriage? What is with you girls and having to push guys into something they are not ready for? It is stupid, you don't know how old they are.. they could have been dating since they were in grade 1 and now they are in grade 11 lets say.. HM?

I am not going to nega rep you, but I would advise the OP not to take your post to heart.

The OP said he had unprotected sex with others. I would assume that if he had unprotected sex with them that is what he most likely has with her. Even condoms are not 100&#37; safe either.

After 10 yrs if he has been promising her marriage then being at bf/gf level is all she has then maybe it is a problem, maybe not. OP would have to clarify that.

WOA!! I do not agree with this statement at all.. damn!

First off, he put her at risk cause he had sex? She can use condoms and birth control pills.. and you assume he didn't use condoms for there sexual inhabitants?

Second off, why does everything have to lead to marriage? What is with you girls and having to push guys into something they are not ready for? It is stupid, you don't know how old they are .. they could of been dating since they were in grade 1 and now they are in grade 11 lets say.. HM?

I am not going to nega rep you, but I would advise the OP not to take your post to heart.

You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine. The Rating system is for factually incorrect info; I stated my opinion and amended it once the OP replied with new info.

To address your first comment, the OP didn't clarify until her 2nd post that she was just now finding out about his other relationships and that this "break" happened a long time ago, not recently. Which then you would notice, I had a different type of response. My initial reaction was based on this feeling from her post: if he'd been having these unprotected sexual relationships without her knowing it, then yes, she is susceptible to STDs if he wasn't being forthright with her. As Nohelp pointed out, we can guess that he was having unprotected sex with the OP if he was also having unprotected sex with other random girls unless she comes back and tells us differently.

My post said nothing about marriage specifically. After 10 years, the relationship should definitely be more stable. But again, the OP mentioned in her 2nd post about the ages when they first got involved. It's not about pushing anyone into marriage, it's about a relationship after 10 yrs shouldn't be something casual either. Many people have long-term committed relationships and choose to never legally marry but they are also not the position of being unsure about the relationship. And they aren't having "breaks" where they go sleep with other people, married or not.

I stand by my comments: after 10 years, she should know what's up with the relationship (past and the future). But if she chooses to forgive, then she must leave it in the past.

As for your comment about dating from grades 1 through 11, well then do we really need to address this?- because if that's the case we've got a couple 16 yr olds sleeping around...

Ahh I see how I took the "If after 10 years it hasn't progressed past boyfriend status" out of context. Sorry for that, I got caught up the movie "He's Just Not that Into you" and I looked at it too literally.

However, the "sleeping around part" was his decision. They were on break which means "have fun" unless there were rules stated. I do not see how him having unprotected sex (and him admitting it) worth being "don't you think you deserve better." How is it that she deserves better because her boyfriend and herself took a break and he 'used it' as being "not worthy?"

Mmm well... you were broken up.

This isn't even considered cheating.

I do not see how him having unprotected sex (and him admitting it) worth being "don't you think you deserve better." How is it that she deserves better because her boyfriend and herself took a break and he 'used it' as being "not worthy?"

Are you only picking and choosing certain lines from what I wrote? I read the OP's question as: "We were together for 10 yrs and after the split I found out he had unprotected sex with others and now should I be ok with it?" That is why I initially responded the way I did. When she came back and posted a second time (which clarified her question)... I reposted. I realized that she was saying they had a split halfway through, fixed it and now 5 yrs later she knows about the indiscretions during the break. I think my 2nd post reflects that. I feel like I'm repeating myself to you.

You two broke up, you found out he boinked other women unprotected. Honestly, he didn't even have to tell you he did it, it's HIS business. Unless he got tested and found out he had an STD, you don't have the right to know. Now you are upset because he was honest. If you can't handle the truth, then don't ask for it

Are you only picking and choosing certain lines from what I wrote? I read the OP's question as: "We were together for 10 yrs and after the split I found out he had unprotected sex with others and now should I be ok with it?" That is why I initially responded the way I did. When she came back and posted a second time (which clarified her question)... I reposted. I realized that she was saying they had a split halfway through, fixed it and now 5 yrs later she knows about the indiscretions during the break. I think my 2nd post reflects that. I feel like I'm repeating myself to you.



Originally Posted by MoodsterMan https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/should-forgive-boyfriend-having-unprotected-sex-365846-2.html#post1804692)
I do not see how him having unprotected sex (and him admitting it) worth being "don't you think you deserve better." How is it that she deserves better because her boyfriend and herself took a break and he 'used it' as being "not worthy?"


Because to some that's a deal breaker, broken up, or not. That's their opinion, and really this thread is not the place to debate the difference of opinion.

so i have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, long story short, I found out when we were broken up he had unprotected sex on several occasions. I am deeply hurt but I also feel that i am overreacting... I feel betrayed but i'm not sure if i should just accept it and move on.

I'm not understanding why you feel betrayed. You were not together and it was 5 years ago. Were you two having protected sex? If so, he was doing what he has always done, if not, he spent some time being careless. At any rate 5 years ago is too long ago to be tripping now. I think you need to ask yourself why this is bothering you now. Do you think he is cheating now? Is the relationship good now? Are you questioning why you are back together?
Just my opinion, but his unprotected sex 5 years ago is not the question, but rather why you are feeling this way.

Yep the past is the past and she needs to look at how her relationship has been since then!

so i have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, long story short, I found out when we were broken up he had unprotected sex on several occasions. I am deeply hurt but I also feel that i am overreacting... I feel betrayed but i'm not sure if i should just accept it and move on.

Boyfriend... for TEN years! What's wrong with this picture?

Unprotected sex? He better get tested. Especially before he sleeps with you.

If you are broken up, and he is having sex with someone, then what right do you have to be hurt? It may hurt you, but that part you can't blame on him. The unprotected part, that's a problem.

Coming back to edit. Posted this after reading your initial post. I've since found out that was 5 years ago. And that you just now found this out, Forgive, forget and go on. Is there a wedding in the near future?

You stated he cheated but the reality is he didn't because the two of you were on a break.

She did not say he cheated. She just said he had unprotected sex while they were broken up. And that it hurt her to find that out.

Why did you break up and what happened that you are back together? Are you having second thoughts about being back together with him, is this why you're asking this question?

Clearly we need some clarity of the facts about this 10 year relationship, as how old were they when they got together.

well we are still young and it happened when we were in high school.. we both have been tested since... this happened 5 years ago and I found out today a long story how..

The event is old, but the feelings are fresh. She admits its not about cheating, but unprotected sex, and they were tested, that has her concerned.

I wonder if there is some insecurity in the relationship at the moment, and that's why this revelation about something that happened 5 years ago has hurt so much?