ryans2fast4u
Jun 16, 2009, 12:25 AM
I found similar answers- but typically they were teens. I'm pushing 30.
I never felt accepted by my family. They are overly critical of everyone and everything, and I've never felt good enough. I just always feel degraded and sub par- never feel like I can meet their expectations, never felt like I was as good as my older brother in their eyes. Never have I been able to openly talk to them about things, share things in my life, etc. They didn't even know I had a Girlfriend until I told them I was engaged. I was always scared they'd object to my feelings/opinions/decisions.
In high school I played the sports I thought they wanted me to play, I did the clubs I thought they wanted me to do, etc. They went to every one of my brothers soccer games and track meets, but rarely would they come to one of mine. In fact they never came to a track or wrestling meet, and only came to a few football games.
In college I finished first in my class in a top tier university, and was president of the student body, president of a number of other organizations, and even in homecoming court. I was able to pay for school by running a small business on the side, and was also a varsity athlete.
In grad school, I went to a 2nd tier (top 5%) school with a full ride, finished first in my class again, was also president of the graduate council, and left the school with the highest paying job of anyone, while also being the youngest in the program. Today I'm the youngest executive in the company I work for, seeing nothing but the utmost success on paper.
I should be overly proud of these successes, but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for my parents. I've thrown away 20 years of my life just trying to stack up and it is destroying me. I am doing things I don't want to do, living the life I don't want ot live, with people I don't want to be with for what??
So many times I have told myself I will just get over it, or I will just stop, or I will tell my parents- in fact I have and they always say "we are very impressed" or something like that, but still I just don't feel its genuine. Now all I want to do is leave them forever- move away and not tell them where I'm going.
What is my problem and how can I deal with this insecurity/parent issue? Why is this such a big deal to me? I shouldn't care!
Logically there are "other" issues going on. I'm on antidepressents and ADHD meds, but didn't start until a few months ago. Now I've finally been able to ground and stabilize myself, and I am trying to work through each issue in my life. Any help is greatly appreciated.
I never felt accepted by my family. They are overly critical of everyone and everything, and I've never felt good enough. I just always feel degraded and sub par- never feel like I can meet their expectations, never felt like I was as good as my older brother in their eyes. Never have I been able to openly talk to them about things, share things in my life, etc. They didn't even know I had a Girlfriend until I told them I was engaged. I was always scared they'd object to my feelings/opinions/decisions.
In high school I played the sports I thought they wanted me to play, I did the clubs I thought they wanted me to do, etc. They went to every one of my brothers soccer games and track meets, but rarely would they come to one of mine. In fact they never came to a track or wrestling meet, and only came to a few football games.
In college I finished first in my class in a top tier university, and was president of the student body, president of a number of other organizations, and even in homecoming court. I was able to pay for school by running a small business on the side, and was also a varsity athlete.
In grad school, I went to a 2nd tier (top 5%) school with a full ride, finished first in my class again, was also president of the graduate council, and left the school with the highest paying job of anyone, while also being the youngest in the program. Today I'm the youngest executive in the company I work for, seeing nothing but the utmost success on paper.
I should be overly proud of these successes, but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for my parents. I've thrown away 20 years of my life just trying to stack up and it is destroying me. I am doing things I don't want to do, living the life I don't want ot live, with people I don't want to be with for what??
So many times I have told myself I will just get over it, or I will just stop, or I will tell my parents- in fact I have and they always say "we are very impressed" or something like that, but still I just don't feel its genuine. Now all I want to do is leave them forever- move away and not tell them where I'm going.
What is my problem and how can I deal with this insecurity/parent issue? Why is this such a big deal to me? I shouldn't care!
Logically there are "other" issues going on. I'm on antidepressents and ADHD meds, but didn't start until a few months ago. Now I've finally been able to ground and stabilize myself, and I am trying to work through each issue in my life. Any help is greatly appreciated.