:confused:

Hello, I will make this short and sweet, well hopefully.

I have a gorgeous, smart, amazing 11 year old daughter. She is my life. Lately she has been the most LAZIEST RUDE OBNATIOUS KID THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. She has been with this attitude that she has to get everything she wants her way and that is that. Last night she got so outrageous that I got mad at her for not picking up her room when I asked her and just slammed the book that in her hands and mumbled up the stair and told me she was not cleaning it and the table. I just told her that she was extremely rude and inconsiderate. That I was tired of her talking back and just being lazy. I grounded her and she started to stump again up the stairs. After that I went again into her room and it was a mess. So again I told her she was grounded and that she needed to completely do her room and since she did not finish what she was told by both me and my Fiancé, she was grounded again. This child turned around and started to cry really loud and just plain DRAMA QUEEN on me:eek:. I got upset and went to the stairs and grabbed her from the stairs and kept pushing her up because she refused to go upstairs! Then when we get to top of the stairs she decided to just stop so I gently pushed her to her room cause she was out of control by then. This girl seriously told my fiancé that I pushed her and she bumped her head on the bed, which on my life was false. My Fiancé of course did not believe her and just told me to let her be, which I did. She kept coming down and I just kept sending her up. Then she finally went to sleep.

My daughter suffers from ODD and ADHD but has been off the medication for 6 years. She was on Concerta and it did great but made her lose a lot of weight. I don't want her on medication and have studied enough to handle her without them. Now it seems that she is going back to being that child that I am unable to control. Is it her age? Is it the fact that she got her period recently? Am I doing something wrong?

[F]PLEASE CAN SOMEONE HELP ME? I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY DAUGHTER? I DONT WANT HER LIKE MOST OF THE KIDS IN THE CITY I LEAVE IN. I REALLY NEED SOME HELP AND ADVISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(

Keep her grounded until her room is clean. Then maybe she will add 2+2=better results.

A lot of the ADHD problems can be solved with diet. Is she consuming a lot of sugary drinks and sugary foods now? Fruit juice drinks are loaded with sugar. The diet drinks should not be consumed by children (or adults either for that matter) as the aspartame causes a lot of neurological problems in the body.

If she was doing just fine without the meds, then she should still be doing just fine.

My son when he was little was diagnosed with ADD. I did not put him on any meds but strictly monitored his food intake of sugary foods. To this day he does not care for cakes, etc. and prefers veggies and meat. He did not go through a rebellious stage when he was a preteen or teen. He's now 25.

You need to read up on the alternative methods of eating when you have an ADD child. The diet is extremely important. This could possibly make a huge difference in your daughter's behavior.

As far as cleaning up the room, etc. I found that if I didn't make a huge fuss about that and let my son keep a messy room we got along just fine. Sometimes having things out of place for these kids is necessary. I found I got further with my son if I didn't harp on his room's appearance. I would go in about once a month and clean up, throw out stuff, etc. and then the room would be out of whack in less than a week. As long as his personal hygiene was kept up I didn't carry on about the room being a mess.

Spend more time with her talking. I found that the more time I spent with my son talking the more receptive he was to my direction.

A clash of wills with these type of kids never works. I know from personal experience it does not work to be overbearing with them.

Her age and period could definitely have something to do with it. Her hormones probably are playing a role in this.
What you described though sounds like the sort of temper tantrums my toddler age cousin throws though. The screaming and crying, refusing to move. And while its OK to pick op a toddler throwing a tantrum, at 11, it seems a little inappropriate to have to respond physically. And what you may perceive as gently pushing she may perceive as forcefully pushing. And really, is it even possibly to gently push a screaming, crying, stubborn 11 year old into their room? I imagine if she didn't want to go and you had to push her to get her there you did have to use some force. I would recommend giving her ultimatums when she refuses to do things. Ex: you need to clean your room. "no, i'm not going to." if you don't clean your room, you're not going to your friend's birthday party this weekend. Things like that. And if you told her to clean her room, she said no, and you grounded her, I'm not understanding what you were expecting when you went into her room? Maybe a better approach to grounding her over and over is simplifying with "you're grounded until your room is clean." and then leave it be. When she comes with you asking can I do this or that, you say "is your room clean?" and if its not "i'm sorry, but you're grounded until it is clean." that's what my aunt used to do. And my room was always cleaned by the time I wanted to do something fun.

This is the age when they get the absolute screaming heebie jeebies. It's hormone hell and it's the start of the teenage years. (Run for the hills! Just joking.)

The first rule is - you're the adult. Don't react. Set the standard for the behavior that you want to see in them and be absolutely consistent.

Call them out if they lie . And they will. Let them know that that you want to hear the truth and will accept nothing less.

Don't play into the drama. This takes practice and patience because they will do everything to press buttons you forgot you had.

Don't overuse punishment or grounding. Be flexible and reward good behavior rather than just freaking out at bad behavior.

Finally, don't take it personally! They say it gets better. (I'm still waiting for my 'step' princesses to turn into normal human beings.)

This is the age when they get the absolute screaming heebie jeebies. It's hormone hell and it's the start of the teenage years. (Run for the hills! Just joking.)

The first rule is - you're the adult. Don't react. Set the standard for the behavior that you want to see in them and be absolutely consistent.

Call them out if they lie . And they will. Let them know that that you want to hear the truth and will accept nothing less.

Don't play into the drama. This takes practice and patience because they will do everything to press buttons you forgot you had.

Don't overuse punishment or grounding. Be flexible and reward good behavior rather than just freaking out at bad behavior.

Finally, don't take it personally! They say it gets better. (I'm still waiting for my 'step' princesses to turn into normal human beings.)


Thanks for the advice. Yesterday when I got home she was upstairs and very sad. She thinks that her putty face will work well it did not. I kept her punished and sat down with her and talked about the reason she was grounded and the consequenses of the bad behavior. She gets rewarded, a little too much, when she does bad things and I think I reward her too much when she does something good.

I still do not understand why she can not keep her room clean which to me would be the solution to the whole problem. I am so clean so I don't believe she is getting it from me. I am from a house that my mother kept emaculate and I mean emaculate. Last night I went to tuck her in and there it was the mess again! I just don't know what else I can do to correct this problem. I don't believe in "SPANKING" a child because how do you correct a negative behavior with a negative behavior?

What suggestions do you have on correcting this problem?

Again thank you for your response and I hope you can suggest some things to help before I go CRAZY!!

Thanks for the advice. Yesterday when I got home she was upstairs and very sad. She thinks that her putty face will work well it did not. I kept her punished and sat down with her and talked about the reason she was grounded and the consequenses of the bad behavior. She gets rewarded, a little too much, when she does bad things and I think I reward her too much when she does something good.

I still do not understand why she can not keep her room clean which to me would be the solution to the whole problem. I am so clean so I dont believe she is getting it from me. I am from a house that my mother kept emaculate and I mean emaculate. Last night I went to tuck her in and there it was the mess again! I just dont know what else I can do to correct this problem. I dont believe in "SPANKING" a child because how do you correct a negative behavior with a negative behavior?

What suggestions do you have on correcting this problem?

Again thank you for your response and I hope you can suggest some things to help before I go CRAZY!!!

Why don't you just ease up on the room. Let her have her untidy space and don't make a fuss about it. It's her room and she should keep it as she likes. Just ask her to keep the other spaces in the house tidy. That way there is a compromise which will keep you both happy.

Why don't you just ease up on the room. Let her have her untidy space and don't make a fuss about it. It's her room and she should keep it as she likes. Just ask her to keep the other spaces in the house tidy. That way there is a compromise which will keep you both happy.

This is the issue. If I let her get away from her responsibilities than I will be feeding a larger problem when she is older. At her age I was cooking, cleaning and taking care of my little brother while my mom worked! If she knows the consequenses then why she still does it I will never understand. If I ask her to do the dishes its an issue or help me clean the house her response is "You clean too much and its not Saturday," which is usual cleaning day. I will never understand her!! Its like she has become a different person right before my eyes even though I did not give her show her to be messy. Like I said I clean and clean everyday. I make sure that every thing is done in the house while she sits on the couch watching t.v. or upstairs watching t.v. She asks constantly for me to get this for her and get that for her while I am doing everything else in the home. I want to put her back and start all over LOL!

I don't want to give up on her but she is driving me insane! :confused:

This is the issue. If I let her get away from her responsibilities than I will be feeding a larger problem when she is older. At her age I was cooking, cleaning and taking care of my little brother while my mom worked! If she knows the consequenses then why she still does it I will never understand. If I ask her to do the dishes its an issue or help me clean the house her response is "You clean too much and its not Saturday," which is usual cleaning day. I will never understand her!!!! Its like she has become a different person right before my eyes even though I did not give her show her to be messy. Like I said I clean and clean everyday. I make sure that every thing is done in the house while she sits on the couch watching t.v. or upstairs watching t.v. She asks constantly for me to get this for her and get that for her while I am doing everything else in the home. I want to put her back and start all over LOL!

i dont want to give up on her but she is driving me insane!!:confused:

Well, she is close to being a teenager, and that 18 months or so after they get their periods can be utter hell. I wonder if it would help if you set up a roster with chores for everyone. Have you thought that you may clean too much? Just a question for you to consider.

I do think that you might be riding her a bit hard (she is only 11 after all). You may have been cooking and cleaning at her age, but your daughter's circumstances are a bit different. Cut her a bit of slack - and yourself as well. You WILL go crazy if you don't.

Remember, you may not be able to change her behavior, but you can change yours in response to her. Chill a little. I do understand how you feel.

Is her helping out a new expectation? You mention that you do all of the cleaning so much. Maybe she's just gotten used to it and wants to continue taking advantage of it?

Justfair suggested this site to someone else... it says its great for ages 5-13 to help with getting chores done. Maybe you'll be interested in it
Handipoints - Print Chore Charts Free | Kids Allowances | Kids Virtual World (http://www.handipoints.com/index.php?kw=&landing=)

is her helping out a new expectation? you mention that you do all of the cleaning so much. maybe she's just gotten used to it and wants to continue taking advantage of it?

justfair suggested this site to someone else...it says its great for ages 5-13 to help with getting chores done. maybe you'll be interested in it
Handipoints - Print Chore Charts Free | Kids Allowances | Kids Virtual World (http://www.handipoints.com/index.php?kw=&landing=)

THANK YO SO MUCH for the site and no I have set these rules a long time ago but since she is older I have inforced them more. I thoght the same as you that maybe since I get aggrevated with her not doing what I tell her and do it myself then that is why she does not do them. I was told to let her go on the chores and room but what kind of example would I be giving her. That if you don't want to do something then it is OK it will get down, i.e. the lack of responsibility.

So I will be visiting that website today and try and see what other advise I can get! It is so hard to deal with TWEENS but like a lot of people say "IT IS A PHASE"

I don't agree on letting up on all of the chores. But maybe the room. At least a little. To this day my room still tends to get pretty messy but I still keep the rest of my house very clean. As long as her room isn't disgusting (trash everywhere, old dishes growing who knows what, etc.), I would ignore if she doesn't make the bed and leaves some clothes out.

This is just my opinion but I am going to give it, take it for whatever it is worth.
I don't believe in beating children but I do believe in being stern and only allowing the beahvior that you desire. For example... not that you have to spank her but a good swat wouldn't hurt, not to demean or degrade her but to get her attention. YOU ARE THE BOSS and smart talk and talking back is not allowed and a good pat on the lips might make her think twice. WORKED FOR ME as a kid.
From the beginning I had success with my son in responding to his tantrums with consistancy. He is 15 and wouldn't dream of talking back to me or anyone in authority.
The fact that she is a girl. ADHD and with her period leads me to believe that you are experiencing a change in her balance and possibly you will need to adjust things a little more. Include her in the cleaning, don't allow her to sit back and watch or not contribute to what is happening in the home. Have her cook with you while you are making meals and give her the attention that she requires.
If you have communicated all these things that you require and she has yet to help or take it upon herself to adjust, then stop talking about it and negotiating with her. Start taking things away that she can have back once she contributes to the house.Consistency is so important with children.
I can understand where they were coming from when they said don't make a big deal out of the room, if that is how she chooses to live okay. I think it's control with your daughter. I think she isn't interested in giving you what you want and the more you ask and spin yourself out of control the more entertained and in control she thinks she is. Stop bargaining and set boundaries for yourself. Make the punishment high and painful for her. If your not willing to swat then take things away.

Wow. 11 years old is too old for spankings. And the OP already stated that they don't believe in correcting negative behavior with negative behavior. A swat on the behind might not be considered child abuse. But "a good pat on the lips" can be enough to get cps out to the house. The rest of the advice I agree with. Swatting a tween is entirely inappropriate though.

wow. 11 years old is too old for spankings. and the OP already stated that they don't believe in correcting negative behavior with negative behavior. a swat on the behind might not be considered child abuse. but "a good pat on the lips" can be enough to get cps out to the house. the rest of the advice i agree with. swatting a tween is entirely inappropriate though.

I respect your opinion, but that is what it is, your opinion. I am aware that the OP doesn't like swatting and I acknowledged that and gave her an alternative. I know teenagers that still get swatted in the lips when they say something out of line and sassy. It's a quick pop to the lips not meant to hurt but to gain attention.
In my opinion 11 is not to old and is not yet a teenager. She had better do something quick. Her stand back approach and communication has not yet been affective. Best of luck to the OP

THANK YO SO MUCH for the site and no I have set these rules a long time ago but since she is older I have inforced them more. I thoght the same as you that maybe since I get aggrevated with her not doing what i tell her and do it myself then that is why she does not do them. I was told to let her go on the chores and room but what kind of example would I be giving her. That if you dont want to do something then it is ok it will get down, ie the lack of responsibility.!

So I will be visiting that website today and try and see what other advise I can get! It is so hard to deal with TWEENS but like a lot of people say "IT IS A PHASE"

I agree that you are going through a phase with your daughter however, phases turn into bad habits if you don't react and let her know her boundaries. For example: when you were a kid you may have been curious about how hot fire really was... everybody tells you NO, that's hot. Hmmm. Well maybe you tried to touch it... you burnt your fingers, it hurt, you didn't try it again, your understanding was that FIRE WAS HOT.
That is somewhat my approach with my child. They are going to TRY YOU! Let her know it's hot. I'm not saying you have to Swat her or spank her. It doesn't work for everybody and it isn't for everybody, frankly it may be to late. However, you should do something semi drastic (in her world) to let her know that this behaviour doesn't work.

My son at about 4 or 5 yrs old tried to steal a candy bar at the store that I said he couldn't have. I think he thought we couldn't afford it. Well, as we were leaving He got on the other side of the door and showed me that he had it... "look mommie" my reaction was drastic... over the top after I had him go in the store and return it and apologize to the manager, I drove him to the police station and told him I had to take him inside. That stealing was against the law and it was my responsibility to turn him in for it. That if he ever tried to steal something when I wasn't there that I wouldn't be able to help him, this is where they will bring you. After buckets and buckets of tears and much fear I told him he had to get out of the car and we had to go inside and tell them what happened. We went in and he had to speak to an officer and tell them what he had done. NEVER AGAIN did I ever had a problem of that nature. He remembers that day to this day.
Doesn't sound very nice I know, but it worked. You aren't doing her any favors at all by not teaching her that her behaviour is not acceptable.
How are her grades?

I agree that you are going through a phase with your daughter however, phases turn into bad habits if you don't react and let her know her boundaries. For example: when you were a kid you may have been curious about how hot fire really was... everybody tells you NO, that's hot. hmmm. well maybe you tried to touch it.... you burnt your fingers, it hurt, you didn't try it again, your understanding was that FIRE WAS HOT.
That is somewhat my approach with my child. They are going to TRY YOU! Let her know it's hot. I'm not sayin you have to Swat her or spank her. It doesn't work for everybody and it isn't for everybody, frankly it may be to late. However, you should do something semi drastic (in her world) to let her know that this behaviour doesn't work.

My son at about 4 or 5 yrs old tried to steal a candy bar at the store that I said he couldn't have. I think he thought we couldn't afford it. well, as we were leaving He got on the other side of the door and showed me that he had it..... "look mommie" my reaction was drastic... over the top after I had him go in the store and return it and apologize to the manager, I drove him to the police station and told him I had to take him inside. That stealing was against the law and it was my responsibility to turn him in for it. That if he ever tried to steal something when I wasn't there that I wouldn't be able to help him, this is where they will bring you. After buckets and buckets of tears and much fear I told him he had to get out of the car and we had to go inside and tell them what happend. We went in and he had to speak to an officer and tell them what he had done. NEVER AGAIN did I ever had a problem of that nature. He remembers that day to this day.
Doesn't sound very nice I know, but it worked. You aren't doing her any favors at all by not teaching her that her behaviour is not acceptable.
How are her grades?

Thanks

Her grades are acceptable. I do agree with you though. If I don't catch this now I will lose my daughter and I am not going to allow that to happen. I don't believe in spanking but I do believe that I need to be a little more aggressive with her, which I have not done completely.

You are entering a phase now where she is physically and emotionally growing up, and it is a hard road. I wouldn't want to be a teenager for all the tea in China.

One thing I learned with mine was time out was esssential. Especially when they are 'in your face'. While I don't agree with spanking either, I totally agree with you that telling her to go to her room and cool off is something that has to be enforced. If you have to lift her up physically and put her in there, do it. If it takes 100 times, do it 100 times.

Don't issue the punishment right away, or the consequence for a certain action or behaviour. Tell her that when she's allowed out of her room in 1/2 hour, and if she is calm, the three of you will sit down and talk about appropriate consequences to the action.

Give her options. In addition to cleaning her room by 8 p.m. she can choose to stay in for the evening and miss the birthday party Friday night, or she can pick up the dog poop in the yard. If she has another option, let her put her two cents in. Maybe she'll choose to do the dishes instead of missing the party. And nobody wants to clean up dog poo.

While hormones may very well be playing a part in this, it is not an excuse for bad behaviour. A classroom full of girls this age on periods, still tow the line, and they can control themselves. They don't have these hissy fits in the mall with their friends either.

So, you should expect that while she is going through this, she needs to learn self-control, and not to use you as a punching bag, verbally.

It is sooooooooooo easy to just want to kick the dog, or throw the kid out the window, and you will be tested to the limit. But, like you and the others have said, if you set the ground rules now, you'll weather the worst of the storm, which is, unfortunately, yet to come.

You are entering a phase now where she is physically and emotionally growing up, and it is a hard road. I wouldn't want to be a teenager for all the tea in China.

One thing I learned with mine was time out was esssential. Especially when they are 'in your face'. While I don't agree with spanking either, I totally agree with you that telling her to go to her room and cool off is something that has to be enforced. If you have to lift her up physically and put her in there, do it. If it takes 100 times, do it 100 times.

Don't issue the punishment right away, or the consequence for a certain action or behaviour. Tell her that when she's allowed out of her room in 1/2 hour, and if she is calm, the three of you will sit down and talk about appropriate consequences to the action.

Give her options. In addition to cleaning her room by 8 p.m., she can choose to stay in for the evening and miss the birthday party Friday night, or she can pick up the dog poop in the yard. If she has another option, let her put her two cents in. Maybe she'll choose to do the dishes instead of missing the party. And nobody wants to clean up dog poo.

While hormones may very well be playing a part in this, it is not an excuse for bad behaviour. A classroom full of girls this age on periods, still tow the line, and they can control themselves. They don't have these hissy fits in the mall with their friends either.

So, you should expect that while she is going through this, she needs to learn self-control, and not to use you as a punching bag, verbally.

It is sooooooooooo easy to just want to kick the dog, or throw the kid out the window, and you will be tested to the limit. But, like you and the others have said, if you set the ground rules now, you'll weather the worst of the storm, which is, unfortunately, yet to come.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BEST ANSWERS THAT YOU GUYS HAVE GIVEN ME AND I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR IT. I SO AGREE WITH YOU AND WILL TRY AND SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT. I WILL LET YOU KNOW.

The thing is that my brother, her godfather, called yesterday and I told him about the situation and he came over and kept her overnight to give us both a break but he is also rewarding her by taking her to New York this weekend with her cousin and his girlfriend. I was very upset but my mother said I should let her go only if she behaves. I just think that he rewards the good which is a very good thing (she made student of the month 2 months in a row) but also he is rewarding her bad behavior with the New York trip. What do you think?

How nice of your brother to step in like that!

I would encourage her to go, no strings attached. It may seem out of balance to allow her a nice trip to NY without really earning it, or necessarily deserving it, but more importantly is the relationship with another adult, and she may just have an opportunity to talk to him. You never know in the future where she may not be able to come to you with something, and your brother will be there for her.

I also think that certain things shouldn't be left for negotiation. If you deny her family visits with him, or your parents, you are really punishing them too. There is such a richness in fostering these relationships; she's a very lucky girl, everybody cares so much for her.

I would make an exception, and consider it not so much him rewarding bad behaviour, but encouraging good behaviour so that she isn't denied his time and support. I know it would be easy to not allow the trip, to make a point, but maybe negotiate a substitute to show her you are flexible too.

Remember that they don't see or experience what you do. Not that they don't understand or support you, but for your sake, and his, and your daughter, it sounds like a good idea to me.

How nice of your brother to step in like that!

I would encourage her to go, no strings attached. It may seem out of balance to allow her a nice trip to NY without really earning it, or necessarily deserving it, but more importantly is the relationship with another adult, and she may just have an opportunity to talk to him. You never know in the future where she may not be able to come to you with something, and your brother will be there for her.

I also think that certain things shouldn't be left for negotiation. If you deny her family visits with him, or your parents, you are really punishing them too. There is such a richness in fostering these relationships; she's a very lucky girl, everybody cares so much for her.

I would make an exception, and consider it not so much him rewarding bad behaviour, but encouraging good behaviour so that she isn't denied his time and support. I know it would be easy to not allow the trip, to make a point, but maybe negotiate a substitute to show her you are flexible too.

Remember that they don't see or experience what you do. Not that they don't understand or support you, but for your sake, and his, and your daughter, it sounds like a good idea to me.


Thank you so much

You are most welcome. That's the beauty of AMHD, you'll get different ideas and suggestions; you are not alone that's for sure.

Hope that if you decide to let her go to NY that you take some time for yourself. Maybe a bottle of wine, chocolate, and a couple of good movies! :D

Jake2008 I have to spread the REP but you are the best. You have a very compassionate way of expressing the truth. It's not always just what you say it's how it's presented and you are a blessing.
I must add that yesterday I was suffereing from a little PMS... sorry I was so brash about how to treat your daughter jalene... I was in my B mode... pardon me. Please.

You are most welcome. That's the beauty of AMHD, you'll get different ideas and suggestions; you are not alone that's for sure.

Hope that if you decide to let her go to NY that you take some time for yourself. Maybe a bottle of wine, chocolate, and a couple of good movies! :D

Yes definitely I think I will do that. It will be fun for her to go. She is soorrounded by lots of love and she is very fortunate. I make sure she understand how much love she has from all of us and how fortunate she is because not every kid in the world can have that or are able to have that in their lives! So God Bless you for all of your advice and hope to keep in touch!