Hi guys,

Short situation description:
My partner broke up 5 weeks ago after a 3 1/2 year relationship. It was a shock to me although I knew it wasn't going well. There is also another man involved, but I don't really know, what's going on there. I do have indications since I got information and she seems to love him (don't know about fallen in love).

During the break-up she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back. After I moved out, I started NC. Problem is that now, I need a chat with her. I need to tell her my side of the story. I didn't get the chance to. I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.
She said that she doesn't want to fight for us anymore and I can't do a thing about it. So I basically just walked out without fighting. But I'm a fighter usually. I've been far too nice so far and would like to put my stuff on the table.

Of course there is still this ray of hope, but more important for me is to be heard and to make her see my side. I am clear that there is no way and I'm just getting back on my feet and feel stronger again, but I don't know what meeting her will do to me. It might be healing or just devastating.

It is a tough decision, because it is so close after the break-up and I know that everybody is saying, don't break NC, because then you look weak and she knows that she can have you back and and. It is a fight for me. I feel strong enough for that last chat and then tell her, there won't be contact anymore until we have to clear out our shared flat end of July. Afterwards she'll leave the country anyway.

Please advice...

If you feel you must convey your message, I would advise you to simply write a letter to her with everything you need to say. Don't speak with her face to face and make sure you mail it - don't hand it to her.

That aside, I feel like you shouldn't even bother at all. I understand that you feel like you need to tell her your side but to be honest, she doesn't care. No matter how agonizing/depressing/angry your story is, the bottom line is she's moved on and doesn't care about your feelings.

All those feelings you feel you must convey - write it in a diary or a journal. Years from now, you will look back and be glad that you didn't indulge her in your feelings.

Hi guys,

short situation description:
... I knew it wasn't going well. There is also another man involved, but I don't really know, what's going on there. I do have indications since I got information and she seems to love him (don't know about fallen in love).

...she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back. ... I need to tell her my side of the story. I didn't get the chance to. I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.
She said that she doesn't want to fight for us anymore and I can't do a thing about it. ...
Of course there is still this ray of hope... I am clear that there is no way ... I don't know what meeting her will do to me. It might be healing or just devastating.

It is a tough decision... I know that everybody is saying, don't break NC ... there won't be contact anymore until we have to clear out our shared flat end of July. Afterwards she'll leave the country anyway.

You seem to know that it's useless... why bother?

1. She is already involved with someone else
2. She said there's no way that you'll get back together
3. She's not interested in making the relationship work
4. Said she doesn't love you anymore
5. She'll be leaving the country anyway

Umm, again I ask: Why bother?

There's a reason why everyone is telling you not to break NC: you need to pick up the pieces and move on. She has.

Thank you man.

I already thought about a letter, too. But with a letter, she can't see the process I already made.

The thing is, I don't believe she doesn't care about my feelings, because she was still very close during the week in between our break-up and when I moved out. She does care about me, I am sure of that.

The thing is, I would enter this chat with the knowledge that this is over. Of course my hope is in there, my hope to show her, that the person she fell in love with, is still present. I had a bad spell of depression running up to the break-up and wasn't able to tell her what is wrong and what I need. I am on the edge of letting go, but can't do the step.

I feel like I need to take my last stand, my last opportunity although there might not be a chance. I need to see her, her reaction and her "coldness" as well in order to let go completely. I'd go there and tell her, just listen... don't say anything... and in the end I will tell her: This is my only and last try. From here, I will be out of your life until I'm completely healed. What you do with this chat is totally up to you. I did what I could do and it is over for me at this point. It feels like unfinished business. Damned, I would lve to be able to describe it better and deeper.

Of course I hope for something to happen within her, but this is not the main character of the chat. I want to be heard because I never made myself heard and that's something she missed as well. I never really stood up for me, I accepted almost everything from her side. I need that for my self-esteem and self-confidence...

Dude I can tell you right now what is going to happen, and it's the REALITY of the situation, she is done with you... tell me if you were talking to another woman and had another woman, would you care to talk to her (ex), no your needs that were being fulfilled by your ex are now being fulfilled by the new woman. Your chic did the most hardcore thing to you, she moved on fast, happens to the best of us, and wiether she is in love, or not does not matter, she is being loved and I suggest you take your pride, your self-esteem and go elsewhere, not all battles are worth fighting for and these wounds do not heal easly and they leave NASTY SCARS!!

Your side is worthless to her, its not going to change a thing, if she was not getting laid by someone else you might have had a chance to talk to her, I am sorry for being harsh but you need it man, SHE HAS SOMEONE WHERE YOU USED TO BE, GET IT, she does not need you anymore and all your contact will do is make you feel dumb, and make her smile inside, YOU DO NOT WANT TO OPEN THAT WOUND, you will have to heal it all over again, you need to find your peace with yourself, I suggest you just write how you feel on a piece of paper and every time you need to say or express something to her you do it that way, I also suggest you meet someone, I do not care what anyone says, meeting someone is the best way to get over someone, your girl knew it, watch dude do not contact her for another 6 months... see if she tries to contact you... she didn't I know she's not going to, she is OVER YOU, SHE IS GETTING IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE AND IF YOU WERE YOU WOULD NOT CARE ABOUT IT EITHER, but I mean its your choice my friend, but trust me, everybody plays the fool sometime, you loved her a TON and she did not love you as much, I can tell, been there am there, anytime you feel the need to express your feelings just remember they mean nothing and I mean NOTHING TO HER, until she is single she is not even going to think of you too much. MOVE ON or prepare for some emotional insanity that is worse than what you are going through already.

Really man you got it bad dude, talking to her will only do one thing, hurt you more, there is not even a small chance it will make you feel better. Tell me when you get burnt what do you do, go jump in the fire to prove it was not stronger than you that you had a point to make to it... and what happens, your 2nd degree burns turn into 3rd degree burns, no matter your intention or will, because fire is fire my friend and it burns no matter how "tough" you are.

Hey Flesh,

I appreciate your openness and being straight forward. The thing is, I saw her being in physical pain about the Break-up. I know she feels bad. She tells me she moved on and probably I don't understand since it's not in my concept of being able to move on after such a short time.

She does care about me in some way. She was kind and caring in the break-up. She told me afterwards that she still wanted to know things from me, she wanted to assist me, she wanted to support me in any way. Probably that is also the bad conscience of hers, I am sure.

I do write an emotional diary already and that's where I got my strength from.

She is a good person and she doesn't want me bad basically. She would love to stay friends and be close to me one day in the future. She doesn't love me anymore, but she doesn't want to lose me either.

A week after the break-up, she already told the other guy that she loves him but at the same time, she gave me the biggest hug and told me about her work after she returned. Then I tried facing her with the issue and she became very defensive. It hurt her talking about the issue, emotionally and physically. It is all messed up somehow. I know that this man was able to give her everything I wasn't able to on the months before our break-up, but I think she still sees me as a beautiful person...

It is so hard... I see all your points, I've been there. She dumped me only 6 weeks before I have o hand in my final paper for uni. She kissed another man and spit on our relationship and disrespected me as a person, but I know this also hurt her... I saw it!!

It is all so ambivalent...

P.S.: Yes man, I would care to talk to her, because I believe that is the appropriate way. And by the way, I would never ever cheat on a partner. I was close, but never did.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I love(d) her much more than she did me, and my mistake withint he relationship was that I loved her too much and just accepted and forgot about myself... it is hard to realise that one can love too much...

She was done with you long before she said it. And "she kissed another man and spit on our relationship and disrespected me as a person" -- "but I know this also hurt her"?? You must be joking!!

I'm betting she doesn't even remember your name.

It did hurt her... you haven't seen her the week after. Her emotional pain was present in her physical well-being. Her whole body was just sore. She also still allowed me close. We cuddled a bit, we hugged, we kissed (cheek) for farewell. We cared for each other until I moved out.

The break-up was hard for her, too. She wanted us to be together forever. We both fought for this badly and sacrificed a lot. The partnership was good with bad spells, it is only the break-up that is not fitting the picture.

She might've disrespected me during the kiss, but I know that she respects me as a person... and was keen to support me in any way possible after the break-up.

The issue here is you are not moving on, you are wanting to go back to the relationship she has told you is over. You don't want to tell her anything you want to sell yourself to her.

You need to write it all in a journal that you can latter burn perhaps and keep doing the NC,

During the break-up she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back.

What about that do you not understand?


I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.


Of course there is still this ray of hope


Of course my hope is in there, my hope to show her, that the person she fell in love with, is still present


Of course I hope for something to happen within her


She doesn't love me anymore

Read what you yourself wrote. She tells you it's over, she's in love with someone else. You claim to want this chat to get things off your chest, to tell your side of things, but every second line states the real reason you want this chat, to get her back. It's over!

The only person that will get hurt here is you. Breaking NC is the worst thing you could do.

I know you'll come back and tell me that you just want closure, she's a good person, you just want to clear the air, but, but, but, maybe she'll take you back. I'm telling you, she won't, she's moved on and could care less what you want or need.

She may want to be your friend, but neither one of you are ready for that yet.

NC, stick to it, move on, heal.

Sounds to me you have made your decision, best of luck with it my man, just know I have been where you are, my ex said she would be their for me too and guess what that woman is nowhere to be found, if I died tomorrow she might turn up for the funeral.. if she does not have a hot date planned lol, get over it dude, cut your losses I know you have a lot in the pot, but if you want to win you have to know when to fold, and its usually when it's the hardest thing to do, when you think you have the best hand, when your like Im on a roll, I've got this nothing can take me down, than you see straight flush get busted by a royal and your pants as the rest of your money(self-esteem) gets taken and now instead of being left with a little something to work with your left with nothing and have to start all over again... I really worry for you man, just do not do it, go on a date to hang out, you do not have to sleep with her or be her b/f, just notice how being around and flirting with someone else makes you pretty much forget.. about the anger, the sadness, the regret, and the love that was not real.. I know it seemed that way, but you would still be together if it was their.. that is all I have for you... if you contact her you will be in for more pain more confusion more anger, more emotional choas.

Of course she still feels something for you, but her feelings for the other are more powerful, my ex and me were "friends" for 2 years after our initial break, eventually we both realized this was impossible and in those friend years hurt each other and scarred each other in terrible ways, you can not be friends there is too much sublime emotion, and you will just end up kidding yourself and hurting even more when you realize you just are not meant to be lovers or friends, look I am now a Christian and fully understand why God only wanted man to be with one person, because a broken heart is the most brutal of pains and most consuming of holes and you are getting sucked in and you just will not accept it, so do what you will, but know nothing will change and you will not feel better, at the best you will feel the same for real man FOR REAL AT THE BEST YOU WILL FEEL THE SAME, at the worst you will hurt for 2 times as long as you need to.

As I said before:

Yes, I do have hope, because we are/were special. I know that she does have a weak point for me.

I also know that we won't be able to come back together within the next two or three weeks or even two to three months. That's unreal and would be the wrong thing.

I know we are not ready to be friends, too. Honestly, I don't even know if I'll ever be ready to be friends with her. But that is also a time matter...

So you guys are saying, that a chat is definitely out of question... I see your point and probably I knew that myself. Nevertheless I can't just walk away like that and leave without fight.

What about the letter option?! Or stick to NC completely?!

Flash,

I did not make up my mind because all you guys are talking to me :-D. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate your comments, although some of them are harsh and, in my belief, too negative on her side.

She IS a good person, she HAS a huge heart and she DOES care about me. I am sure about all this. She tried very hard to make this partnership work and it was me who wasn't able to open up within the past months before the break-up. I look at all that from a different angle then her.

Our communication was down, although she tried all the time but I was not able to open up...

Flash,

I did not make up my mind because all you guys are talking to me :-D. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate your comments, although some of them are harsh and, in my belief, too negative on her side.

She IS a good person, she HAS a huge heart and she DOES care about me. I am sure about all this. She tried very hard to make this partnership work and it was me who wasn't able to open up within the past months before the break-up. I look at all that from a different angle then her.

Our communication was down, although she tried all the time but I was not able to open up...
Be sure to report back to us after you meet with her. We'll be waiting.

I do not know if I will meet up...

I see all the dangers within it, I see all the pros and more even the cons, I am very reflected in a way and not in another way.

My head tells me to move on, but my heart won't allow. And this is a time matter, I know.

The thing is, I planned my life around that partnership. I set my life up for it. I neglected myself and my other goals, but I did it in the best interest and knowledge. I don't want to regret.

Somehow I do have the feeling that I need a last huge slap in the face to be ready to let go completely... I am on the road, but not on the highway... Even though all the signs of a clean cut are present, I can't realise and I don't know how to move on despite of receiving that last huge slap...

My agenda is:

I want to be heard
I want to stand my last fight
I want to kill that last ray of hope within me
I want to keep face in front of myself by fighting and not just walking away
I want the full and hard truth, because I might need it to heal and move on

At the same time, I can see myself again. That wonderful person, that wonderful man with my unique abilities to brighten up other people's lifes. My contagious personality, my great laugh, my ability to bring love and happiness and people lifes. I am back in touch with me and back in touch with the person she fell in love with. True, I want to somehow "sell" me to her, but because I believe I am worth being bought :-D.

And of course not below a certain price limit. And again, if there might be hope for us in the future, it shouldn't be me to take the first step... I feel that the ball is on my side, but actually it is in hers...

Guys, last issue for now :-).

I decided not to have the conversation right now.
But I wonder if I can contact her shortly via Facebook and ask her to assist me moving on. And I know this is in her interest, too.

I want to ask her three questions:

1. Are you willing to hear me?
2. Have you moved on completely?
3. Are you romantically involved with another man?

If she respects me, she will reply honestly and according to these answers, I can find my peace... I may not need to meet up, but still get the slap in my face that I need. How does that sound to you?!

Guys, last issue for now :-).

I decided not to have the conversation right now.
But I wonder if I can contact her shortly via facebook and ask her to assist me moving on. And I know this is in her interest, too.

I want to ask her three questions:

1. Are you willing to hear me?
2. Have you moved on completely?
3. Are you romantically involved with another man?

If she respects me, she will reply honestly and according to these answers, I can find my peace... I may not need to meet up, but still get the slap in my face that I need. How does that sound to you?!?
She has not contacted you, has she? If she were still interested in you, she would stop at nothing to get hold of you. Yes, she has moved on completely.

Do not contact her on Facebook. She can do nothing to assist your moving on. There is only one person who can -- YOU!

Contacting her on Facebook is NOT in her interest! Nor is it in yours.

She will not slap you in the face. She will merely think you are pathetic.

I don't think she will look at me being pathetic... this is not an emotion she will feel for me... you see, she said she doesn't want to give us another shot because she is afraid of regretting the relationship then and she might start disliking me.

That means that at the current moment she still likes me. And maybe this is what I need to keep for me... I know she doesn't hold a grudge against me... and I showed her what love is... maybe that was my task in that time and now it is time for her to find the other things in other men (man) and continues her life just like that. I was able to offer the best I have to her and infect her with it. I achieved my goal and although it is hard, I will be and stay the man, who did that for her. It also helps me in the process a little bit, but also shows me once again that love is not everything.

I just hope that she won't give herself away for less than the amount of love I was offering her. I don't wish her bad, because she is an amazing person with her mistakes. I also see her bad sides, but I am a very accepting and tolerant person. I can get along with little. My task in life is to give love, to offer love, to show love and to life love. I am a kind of man who warms up other peoples hearts and I can make them smile, I am contagious with joy and a fascinating personality.

I know all that and I also know that I am a rare species of man (geeze, that sounds so corny, but I think I need that for me at the moment :-)

And I need to do the same. She gave me so much, she allowed me to feel unconditional love and I handled it wrongly. I never knew that loving someone too much is also wrong... especially if I let myself and the love to myself go away...
Maybe I don't realise it yet, but there will be another woman who will be more than happy to receive all the beautiful things I have to offer. It will take time and I need to be patient with me and my process. It will take me a long time and time is what I need. But one day, there will be another woman coming my way and just blow me away...

But this is something I learn from this partnership. I need to be honest, I need to stand up for me, I need to be able to show weaknesses and I need to stand my ground...

I bowed too much, I tried to change me for her, I tried to become the man of her dreams not realising that I am the man of her dreams, just in a different kind. And if I'd stand up for myself, she might've been able to adapt easier...

It is not only my loss, it is also her loss. She just deals with it better and I know she appreciates our time and my presence in her life. That is also a reason why I believe she won't think I'm pathetic.

She honours me as a person and, I guess, realised that I changed and didn't seem so happy anymore. It was not only a split for her, but also for me. And I can see it already...

Guys, I'm moving on slowly... I'm letting go... I can feel it, but at the same time I feel so much pain, so much hurt, so much ache. I never thought I will feel like that. This shows me, that I am so deeply in love with that woman and I also know, that I need to keep away from her.

Still, it is a tough decision, because I can see my process and I know I'm on a good way and I believe this chat won't set me back further, but also contribute to me finding pride in myself... to me being able to look in the mirror and say: You did really everything you could to make this work... because after this chat, there is really nothing else I can do, nothing else... and I would leave that chat and tell her: This is it... this is all I wanted to say and I wanted you to know. I know that probably it won't change a thing (although I admit this little ray of hope), especially in the nearby future, but I needed that for me. I needed to stand up for myself for a change and gain back myself in not just walking away without telling her my part and just be accepting - the way I was throughout the partnership... I just believe this would be a big step for me, too.

Well, I could go on forever and forever. Trying to compare pros and cons...

Guys, I really appreciate all your input and I can see all your points and your concern about my well-being as well. Thank you guys!!

I think I need to observe my process from here for another few days and then look at me again... maybe by then I don't have the feeling of talking to her anymore... let's see...

But I still look forward to receive posts, especially in concern to this post...

The OP obviously has his mind made up as to what he's going to do regardless of the advice to not contact her and walk away. So I don't see why any of us are continuing to try to talk him out of it.

Several valid points have been made for him to move forward with his life and each has been countered with "but I need to talk to her", "should I contact her?"... so hopefully he will read over the advice given and make a step towards healing- and not expecting her to do it.

She will not 'help' you heal. She has moved on. She has a new man. She's said she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to try to make anything work with you. She does not call/text/tweet/myspace/facebook/IM you so she doesn't want to talk to you.

How much plainer can it be??

Trust me, hearing that she is with another man is NOT going to help you moving on. It will only increase the pain you are feeling now. Trust us, we have ALL been down your road. I wanted that last bit of closure, I asked for it for about a week after our break up and she wouldn't give it to me. Kept me holding on a string, wondering if I changed if she would come back because she told me she would. So I did everything I could do get better, and I did get better. 2 months into my NC, she sent me a text telling me that she has a letter for me to give me my closure and when she should come to my house to drop it off. I've never responded. As far as I'm concerned when she told me "I don't want to be with you anymore" that was closure for me. There are a laundry list of things that can be closure or spell doom for your relationship. Some examples of what I have seen and heard.

1. I need space to think about things
2. I don't think it's working out between us
3. I think we should post pone our wedding
4. I have found someone else
5. I think we should see other people

Mate,

Since I started this thread I went through all different stages of emotions... it is an up and down for me... just the way everybody is telling on this side...

Guys, sorry that I gave you such a hard time and seemed so unreasonable. I'm actually not... :-)

After my last post, I went back into thoughts, evaluated my feelings, checked on my mind and tried to switch of my heart. I had a good chat with my best mate, listened to a very important song for me at this stage (unfortunately it is in German, otherwise I would link it here ;-), re-read all the posts here (again THANK YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY) and came to a conclusion...

Throughout the thread, I was tipping with my heart and switched off my brain... my heart was fighting my brain because it is such an important part of my life. Usually I follow my heart, but it gave me wrong advice before, naming how to behave in the partnership. So I turned to my cognitive ability and sucked up all the stuff you guys wrote me, the stuff I know anyway and added 1 and 1. Funnily, it added up to 2 ;-).

I concluded that I am starting to let go and my heart tells me no. But right now, I need to listen to my head and not my heart, because it is corrupting me with wrong hope.

So I decided not to have the conversation and put that aside. There are more important things in my life then this woman. I need to get my life on track, I need to look after myself and seeking the conversation would just throw me back. I'm not stable enough yet.
I wish I would, but only time and patience can do that job for me...

I need to heal and look after my soul before I can do that step. I got time until July because by then, our lease is running out and we need to clear out the formerly shared appartement together. This will be hard enough already and I don't need to put myself under an extra strain right now...

So hey, you guys helped me in coming to this conclusion. I am not a hopeless case, but my heart was taking me all in before...

I will keep you updated and tell you about my steps forward, as soon as they kick it even further :-)...

Yours in gratitude
Tando

I will keep you updated and tell you about my steps forward, as soon as they kick it even further :-)...
I'm glad your brain finally started working.

Years ago I had a male friend Jerry who kept chasing after a woman who wanted nothing more to do with him and already had a new boyfriend. Jerry would call her at work and enthused to me, "She must still love me. She answers the phone when I call." (Of course, as soon as she heard his voice, she hung up... )

I understand I'm a fighter too and when I just gave up on my 3.5 years because he wanted someone else I went to this site and started nc but I never fought and it was SOO weird but honestly when you fight and open it it just prolongs the healing because your opening wound to let it bleed and the othr person really won't care enough to really look at the wound you know? Id say stick to it until this current new relationship is over and really have the conversaion of what you learned with yourself. This is YOUR time to grow and trust me its and amazing time. She is going to look back and be jealous (my ex is :)) wait to tell your side until the person can show they care enough to listen.

@ wondergirl:
1. well, a brain does help, doesn't it ;-)
2. I hope I can move on quicker than Jerry. It'll be hard though and currently my heart is overwhelming me again with funny thoughts and wrong hope, but my mind is at least present this time :-)

@ blond:

Thank you for your post.
I am a freaking fighter and it's so damned hard not to fight.
I am growing already. I am such a reflecting person. Everybody I speak to, they just sit there and tell me: OMG, after such a short time after the break-up you look at all the things so clearly. You analysed the partnership so well (from my point of view, I have to admit, can only assume her side) and concluded for yourself.
At this point already, I grew, reached a new level and a complete new insight in the whole story. I look at it as a complex process that went horribly wrong and one thing lead to another - from both sides. And NC allowed me to reach this level, because before I never had the opportunity to think all the things over, to analyse because I felt the pressure of the partnership... so that's the first reward for keeping NC :-).

In that matter, it is an amazing time for me. Otherwise I'm struggling with my emotions (heart person), can't sleep properly (wake up always around 4am in the morning and can't go back to sleep because she's on my mind) and can hardly concentrate on my work load although I'd love to.

I also know that my biggest obstacle is this f... ing hope. Especially because I know she does care. Why? During the break-up, she told me that she feels she doesn't know me and I have to admit, I wasn't very open about many things. She told me she got to know the other person far better within 5 1/2 months than me in 3 1/2 years. So I asked her following question: Are you interested in getting to know me still? Are you interested in listening to me? And she said: Yes. (Heart is speaking :-).

And I don't know how to get rid of it. Sometimes I feel I need that extra blow that all of you guys predict and I also know will hit me. I need a way to let go of that hope. Probably the only thing I don't know yet is how to. My mind is screwed on, I know I need to keep away, do my stuff and move on. Not forget about her, but leave her where she belongs - in the past.

It's amazing how much "power" a person can still have in your life although she is gone... and I also know it's only up to me to allow that "power" to rule over my life. In this matter, I am just weak.

But today is a new day and I want to spend it much more productive on the accademical level than yesterday. Yesterday was important for my emotional state, but today I need to pursue my studies again...

This is my update for today...

Not forget about her, but leave her where she belongs - in the past.

There is hope for you yet. Listen to your brain, it will set you free. Study hard.

Mate,

2nd update and then I'm leaving for the library :-)

Thank you... I'm not a hopeless nutcase, I know that, but I still feel like it somehow.

My brain switches off far too often and my heart takes over. I am bowing from one side to the other. I run in circles and can't find the exit.
At the same time I do have stages where I feel at peace with me...

It is promoted to start NC when you know you can keep it. I wonder if I am in that stage already... I started NC for her in the hope she might row back. Hasn't happened and won't either. I realised that NC is doing me well, too to a certain degree. I got back in touch with my soul and my self-confidence. It just doesn't seem to be able to get over my hope. There are times when I let go of hope and it's okay for me. Am I to impatient?!

Now, being majorly reflected, I realise that it is harder for me to keep NC then before. I wonder if I'm at the stage to maintain NC without standing my last fight.. without being heard and she offered me to be heard during the break-up... but by then I wasn't ready...

I am dead sure that I will be able to keep NC after I had this conversation... because then there is nothing else left to discuss for me until I am completely healed. I'd feel like I did my part and I can finish up... it feels like unfinished business... Then the ball is in her court and I can leave with the words: I am hurting, I want and need to heal, I can't stay in contact with you and this is all I have to say to you. What you do with all this is up to you...

Is that a usual feeling being on NC and having reflected on the partnership and myself?! I can't understand this emotion...

Sorry for being back to the beginning, guys... I just want to let you in and maybe get a better picture of my situation...

Please bear with me in this situation... I know I'm being a difficult case.

I feel so confused with thoughts and emotions...

P.S.: I'm not saying I'm going to contact her...

Ah, you need food for the brain. Okay, everyone who comes here feels as you do, hoping for one last chance to get their heart breaker back, or chasing after some closure. Closure is accepting the reality of the situation, and moving forward, because that's what needs to happen for you. You have that, you just want her to have it to, but she doesn't need it.

Just read the post here of others in the same situation. No Contact is very hard at first, and no one wants to do it. But You do want to get rid of the misery, and pain, and false hope, and be able to explore other options, and opportunities, to be happy.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some great insights and suggestions, from people who have gone through this same thing. There is a link in my signature. Let us know if it helps.

Make a decision, do what you think is best, and get the blessings , or the consequences. What ever you do, don't dwell on what you think you need, if your not willing to do it.

Me I leave things alone, and get my own happiness back, by looking forward. Staying with NC will get you there. You have started, keep it going and heal, it's that simple.

Hey tal,

Thank you for your beautiful post. I really gave me strength and hope... hope for myself for a change :-).

I do not have closure yet, but I am on a good way. I realise that most of the things I want to do are for HER still. But that's because I care about her so much due to my huge amount of love that I still feel. But it is time to do things for ME and today I had a really good chat with a friend. She told me to really do what is best for me. So at the moment I am thinking about postponing my final assignment for uni because it is just too stressful with the break-up, move it into the next semester and then really look after myself. Do good things for me and maybe even fulfill myself a dream that came back to my mind today. I am lucky to have this chance...

I realise that fate brought us together and gave us a chance. But fate does not determine the outcome. That is up to us. And we blew that opportunity but will grow from this experience. We both experienced true love but couldn't make us work. So now we walk separate ways and will seek our personal luck and something similar or even better than the love we had for each other. I will be grateful for the years sooner or later and definitely for the break-up because it will make me a stronger person. Having this knowledge and repeating it to myself over and over again, I will get through the f... ing hard times that will still be with me...

I am ready to move on and let go, but I know that there will still be obstacles in my way. It will stay on a road with up and downs, but I will keep you updated.

I also think I started to find my closure by "half-breaking NC". I sent her a short unpersonal message on Facebook with the link to that special song and the lyrics. It means so much to me and it is a wonderful break-up song that looks into the future with joy and into the past with gratitude... I will translate the words in English and post it here over the weekend... It is really beautiful... a shame it is in German ;-).

Here my short message and please feedback me on this if you like... with this I am ready to keep NC and move on.. I think I needed to say goodbye for me and even though I will meet her in July, I needed to do it sooner... for me:

Title: Very beautiful song for me (and you?! )

Chao Em,

If you like, listen to the following song...

YouTube - Die Fantastischen Vier - What remains (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-L_aUVLsYKQ)

Die Fantastischen Vier - Was Bleibt - Lyrics from LyricWiki (http://lyricwiki.org/Die_Fantastischen_Vier:Was_Bleibt)

Take care,

Tando

This way, I had the "chat" to her and now there is nothing more to say for me. I don't expect an answer and if she replies, I hope to be strong enough to just delete the message...

Will keep you updated...

AND THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR INPUT... One day I will be on your end and hopefully be able to assist guys like me right now... maybe I already am in some way if somebody reads this :-D...

Hey guys,

Just as promised the translation of the song, I listen to regularly currently. It is not the best translation, but I tried my best. It is a hiphop song and usually many words do rhyme, but my English isn't poetic enough to do that properly ;-)...

I don't know what happened within the last two/three days, but I feel more at peace currently, I feel less overwhelmed and I'm losing hope. I think I start realising and it's settling in. My heart gives in to my brain and my knowledge (at the moment). I don't seem to have any urge left to fight for us. Somehow I realised that we are not meant to be, we shared something beautiful and unique and I hope both of us will keep it close to our hearts. Hopefully no one of us will look back at the time as being wasted, but I actually don't believe so. We are both very grateful people and trying to concentrate on the positive and on the things that we gained...

Funny, my thoughts are also changing. Only very seldom I wonder what she is doing, with whom she is doing what and how she is... I hope she is fine. I don't want her bad and still I concentrate on myself.


Artist: Die Fantastischen Vier
Track: This remains


Now here we are, we spent something together and we are confused,
There is nothing else to talk, because it only hurts anyway.
So then, I'll be leaving and we shall meet again,
Once we understand all this, once all this has settled.
Someday it'll happen, I'm sure we'll manage.
And until then, I hope,
That everything that we are experiencing in our next life from here,
Doesn't feel as hopeless as currently.
I know, actually we've been together since forever,
No idea how it's going to be like, not being with you anymore,
I can't even remember how it was like before our time,
But I know it is forever and will remain.
It's said that every ending is also a new beginning,
And there is nothing to keep for eternity.
Everything consists of emergence, change and movement,
Even though we don't want to realise it yet.

Good-by, good-by, good-by and wish us luck,
There is so much remaining.
We shall meet again, we shall, and I'm thinking back
And my heart feels so at ease.

From now on we are alone and a little bit more free.
Life continues although a path intersects.
There is nothing that needs forgiveness, we only failed
As soon as we pity ourselves and I realise,
I need to decide to either give away into self-indulgence
Or to allow myself to drift away, move on
In order not to stand still, then we'll see
Which one of the tracks.
And of course, the truth hurts, nobody says that it is easy,
But at some stage enough is enough and by then, one has to leave.
And even if it was beautiful, life is bigger
Than our ability to understand, come along and let it be,
And take this one as comfort. Things that end
Result in legends and will make us grow.
We've been attached for ages,
But let go – now.

Good-by and wish us luck.
There is so much remaining.
We shall meet again and I'm thinking back
And my heart feels so at ease.
And what is remaining is that we seem to walk alone from here,
And what is remaining is that one path is splitting up into two.


I hope you like these words...

Until soon... will open a new thread in a minute... ;-)

Tando

Threads merged

Guys,

I do have the strangest feeling right now and you will say...
ARE YOU STUPID...

But I start regretting telling everybody that she "cheated" on me with this other guy and started to have feelings. He wasn't the reason for the break-up, he was a trigger, but what went wrong was within OUR relationship and has almost nothing to do with him.

I feel like I bad-mouthed her and I am disspointed in myself that I disclosed that matter to many people. This is something between her, me and the other guy... She told me in confidence, to be honest and open, to be just plain and simply fair and I feel like I acted totally wrong. This was an information just for me... just for me... just for me... I let other people in this "secret" and I feel I betrayed her trust...
I know that many of you will be saying that I shouldn't care, and she is not worth it because she "cheated" on me and betrayed me as well. Even if you do believe me or not, I know she has a really bad conscience about it...

It is not only about her feelings and what she might think of that, but also about my guilt that is playing up now. I feel guilty, because I am not a person who bad-mouthes others, especially if this person is a person who I love(d) so much and never wishes bad, no matter what happened.

I know that people make mistakes and I acted the way I knew best, but it feels so childish and immature. At the same time, I knew I had to get it off my chest. I looked at it as a reason for the break-up, but it is a miniature component of the process. I tried to make me feel better by saying, it's the other guys fault and it's her weakness. But in the end it comes down to the two of us. She tried hard to make us work, I answered in the wrong manner, although trying hard, too. Then she gave up, had no more strength and found comfort somewhere else. It might not be the most highly accepted way of dealing with this matter, but it is one way. I cannot judge her on that, I feel. I appreciate everything she has done and tried for us rather.

I don't want other people to think she's a . She made a mistake, all right, but throughout the partnership she was a loving, caring, supportive, dedicated and trying partner. She wanted to make us work, just as I did.

I wonder if anyone can actually understand my point? I am not wanting to get back together, because I know the table cloth is cut, but I know that I want to keep in touch with her some (long) time in the future because we are soulmates... and we don't need to be partners to be soulmates...

There are quite some issues we need to work through though before being able to become friends again... quite some things that need to be discussed and forgiven on both sides. It will be a hard process, I believe... and I know that you will say that this is the last thing I need to care about right now... I know... it just popped up in my head and works on me... the relationship is over, but I know we both still appreciate each other and both of us want to keep in touch in some way or another. Sooner or later. I let her go as a partner, and I don't know how and if I'll be able to handle this, but from my side, I would like to keep in touch with her, with a person who touches my soul and will never be evicted from that place in my heart and soul...

Now, I don't have an issue about coming back together anymore, but an issue about how I behaved and how I disrespected all the good times, all the things I appreciate about what we had and what we were and what a beautiful woman she is with her mistakes. She is a heart-warming personality, she is amazing and so am I, but our lifestyles are just too different. One day we might end up as really good and trusting friends, if both of us are ready, but at the moment, I need to put that aside and get back on track with my life.

I do have the feeling that I need to forgive myself before I can ask her to forgive me...

I do have the feeling that I need to forgive myself before I can ask her to forgive me...


You are exactly right. Accept and forgive yourself for what you've done. It's not going to come instantly, it'll take time. I'm sure people say a lot of things they don't mean and I'm sure she understands your comments and reasons, as she's a kind and understanding person. Stay NC, forgive yourself and take it from there. You will know what to do in time.

Hey aj,

Thank you for your support and kind post.

I hope I'll forgive myself soon and somehow I trust that we'll sort things out and leave that partnership behind, insert it in our past with gratitude and be able to forgive ourself and each other and move on from there and see what'll happen.

It is not the time for that now now.
It is strange... I seem to be moving on from the partnership, but can't let go of her as a person, trustee and soulmate.

I wonder if I need to do that as well or if I can balance the two things...

You sound like a thoughtful guy, and I'm impressed that you're taking ownership of something that you did, which is bothering you.

You can't change what you did, you can only tell yourself that you're human and you acted out of anger and thoughtlessness.

You can also tell yourself that if the situation arises again, you'll behave differently.

Tell yourself you've learnt from the situation and let it go.

Then, once you feel able, write her a letter and tell her what you wrote in this post.

Don't beat yourself up.

You're very welcome Tando, glad to see that you're trying to correct a mistake that you've made. Like Gemini said, we're all human and we make mistakes. Don't feel too bad about it, it was just from a hurtful emotion. Keep up the progress my friend.

Hey guys,

I've had two rough days behind me. Twice I was crying my heart and eyes out and almost went to our old flat to show her, what this is doing to me. But then I thought about all your posts and that she won't care anyway.

And I was thinking, what does it help me? Only thing I'd be doing is, best case, to make her feel guilty, to make her feel pity or to make her feel sorry, but I won't change her decision...
That is a fact and I know it cognitively but my emotions and heart are just too much into and with her. And that is my problem... I concentrated my life on her and forgot myself. Now it is hard to resurrect myself because I lost touch. I can't comforf myself, I can't feel myself, my heart and soul is owned by her.

And she can't help me healing. She can't be by my side to assist me with my process. She is not the one because she doesn't want to either. She is one of the reasons I am so low and I need to cut out these reasons to get better. It is awkward though. I am addicted to her and she makes me feel good, at the same time, she makes me feel... I'm on withdrawal...

And I understand her point of view... she needed to break-up in order to get her life back and her personality and her happiness. It is her fair right to do so and she doesn't need to look after anyone but herself. Even if it means she is hurting someone else badly... and I need to respect that and move on, too...

I put all my money on this game, on this partnership and I didn't read the rules properly. I played it wrong and lost badly. I am starting at zero almost and need to build up slowly. I need to do baby steps... one after another. I need to give me time and allow to heal slowly. I am a perfectionist and usually patient, but not with myself right now.

I am also starting to see a therapist, since this break-up also opens up old wounds and issues that I am dealing with for about 10 years by now and always returned. It is part of the issue, why she broke up, but not knowing really, I think... So far I was okay dealing with it, but this break-up just throws me back to toddler age somehow. I need to learn slowly. She was my backbone, the partnership was my everything, my security, my haven. I identified with this partnership. But that is me. I dedicate whole-heartedly for something, if it is really worth it. And I forget about the other things.

I am still living in the past too much... I need to move on, to let go. Somethimes I thought I am on a good way, but the very next day is such a setback... then good again... then again... is that the natural way?!

And I was thinking, what does it help me?
Thats the way your supposed to think, thats how you get facts to make a good decision for yourself.

Only thing I'd be doing is, best case, to make her feel guilty, to make her feel pity or to make her feel sorry,
Facts

but I won't change her decision...

Facts

I am still living in the past too much... I need to move on, to let go.
A good decision based on facts, and not just feelings.

Sometimes I thought I am on a good way, but the very next day is such a setback... then good again... then again... is that the natural way?!
I have been married more than 30 years, I have good days, bad days, and many setbacks. Thats what life is all about.

Hey tal,

Your posts are always awesome. I read a few of them already, not only my thread and they inspire me... One day, when I'm a grown man, I want to be as wise as you are ;-)...

Thank you for your words and support and not giving up on me although being so difficult in the beginnin :-).

I am in the process and I see it... I am gaining strength and clarity... slowly... one step after the other :-)...

Me too!

OMG,

I just read the sticky "What did I learn after a devastating break-up"... and it flashed me big time...

It threw a new light on me and how the partnership worked (not worked ;-). It opens up doors for understanding and insight. I realised that both of us made our mistakes, both of us fought in our separate ways, both of us tried really hard to make this work - although we might not have had a real chance from the beginning... but by just trying so hard, we offered the most beautiful thing to each other... dedication...

I made my mistakes, she made hers. It is part of our personality. Still, one day I would like to apologise to her for all the mistakes I made.

I'm looking at the break-up as a new start to something new for both of us. Many hard feelings are gone currently (but they will return and I will conquer them) and I want to focus on the good things we had and shared. All the love, dedication and good times. All the laughs. This is what I would like to focus on from this point in time... and I want to focus on this from this very moment... not in a hopeful manner, but in a manner to be thankful and respecting and honouring the other person for all the good things that happened during our time. I want to embrace past and insert it in my history as happy time, forget about the hard times but still learn from them. I don't want to hold a grudge and just be thankful... and I know that I will be able to do so... I do have the ability... I set this as one of my new goals, aims and targets in life... and I know it is a hard thing to achieve, but so far I always achieved everything in one way or another... I am an achiever, if I can get my head and heart on the right track...

More and more I realise that we can't work. She realised it. I am on the way.

GUYS, I'M MOVING ON :-)...

She was strong enough to sit down and end the whole story. I know it broke her heart as well, so we are both heart-broken and one day (maybe already in July), I will be able to tell her all the things, I am thankful for. I want to wish her all the best, I want to be able to look at her and tell her that I am proud of her, I am grateful for sharing this time and I really honestly wish that she will be fine and find "true love" that maintains her life and makes her happy. She will always keep a special place in my heart and my soul. And I know that she will wish me the same. We do care for each other big time, no matter what other people say, but I need to learn to care for her in a "friendship manner". This will take a long time and the outcome is so open...

At the same time, I need to look after myself. I know deep inside that she'll be fine and there is nothing more I can do for her. There is plenty on my plate though, I need to get myself in order, I need to live my life and not waste any other day in feeling pity for myself, dangling in old times and being an obstacle for myself.

This is MY TIME... this is MY CHANCE... this is MY PERSONAL TURNING POINT TO DECIDE WHERE I'M GOING... and I want to walk towards myself and a great future...

I do feel more and more in touch with myself... right now, I even feel peace...

I want to become a better person and I damned will!!

Tando, you sound similar to my thoughts. Right now, I'm in a state of just trying to move on. I think I've made some progress.

Just like you, I have no hard feelings towards her leaving me. It's a rollercoaster of emotions but forgiveness seems to be the main emotion that stays. I accept the fact that she doesn't want to be with me anymore and I see a clearer picture. Hopefully I can continue to progress.

Tando, I'm very happy for you man, positive thinking can only lead to positive things. Enjoy.

Aj, mate, my brother in mind,

This is so true... forgiveness and especially appreciation in my case are the keys. Hurting words have been said but at the same time appreciation was present, too.


Hopefully I can continue to progress.

This quote of yours is true, but if you change two words, it'll sound much more positive.

"I will continue to progess", because you and I will. The setbacks will come, but that is part of the process. If we stick to our gained insight, we will come out of this stronger than ever before... and we will.

I'm with you aj... have a great new day!!

It's hard to see clear when you are left for someone or something else... in months to come, the clouds start to fade and the sun shows itself, and you realize that life is going to be better... hell, at first you realize that life can just be normal again. Hang in there you two.

Hey kc,

Thank you for your words...
I'm hanging in there and my emotions are in turmoil again... now it's been three days of crying but afterwards I always felt better and more at peace... I think that is a good sign... and I need to allow this to happen, I need to embrace this feeling, because I do have the feeling that every time I lose something... maybe hope... not love, because that will take time...

My brain is set for moving on, but my heart intervenes all the time. I want to make me believe that it is all over, but this freaking hope still pops up. I thought it is over... and the pictures of her being with another man are also coming back in mind. I thought I passed that stage already.


The one moment I am getting afraid of meeting her end of July, the other moment I make myself believe that I will be strong, clearer and somehow moved on enough... I am clear what I'll be saying to her... I want to forgive her, I want to apologise I want to tell her how much I appreciate the time together and also how much I wish her to become happy, especially because she is such an important person in my life and always will be. I don't want her bad because she is a good person and she deserves best...

Just as me :-)

At the same time I have the fear of breaking into crying if I see her, of starting to beg for another chance, of being weak and showing that I didn't move on... although I am somehow...
This will be my biggest challenge this year... besides becoming happy with myself :-). But since this is still in the future and I can only change today and see what's happening tomorrow

Okay, I had an all right day though. I was able to work on my studies and making some progress there... My moods are still reserved, but I'm getting there...

Hey guys,

I am confused... I don't know how to categorise my feeling.
My day was okay. I went to the library to do some studies, there my ex was present almost all time, but I was able to concentrate on my stuff. After some time I realised that the emotions are overwhelming me and I went home for a good cry. Afterwards I felt better and my moods picked up...

Tonight I went out with friends and I had a good time actually. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. But I still had thoughts about my ex, although they didn't bother me too much, even if I imagined her laying naked next to the other guy and falling asleep next to him...
It seemed so unreal to me... it seemed like a dream... it seemed like it is not reality... and I wonder what that is?! Is my hope filling me up with these emotions?! Because I can't go from crying at 4pm to not caring at 11.30pm the same day...

I feel like my emotions are betraying me openly and make my mind not see the truth... Even if my mate told me three times: "This woman is gone.", I did not really react... It is the same right now... somehow not believing in the break-up... How can I get back to realisation?

Has that happened to anyone of you before?!

Please advice...

This is normal. Your break up is still really fresh. This is why it's called an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you feel fine, others might leave you hanging down.

Only time will be able to even things out, so be patient my friend. Only time will be able to set you straight. Keep up the NC progress, stay strong.

Tando - hang in there man!! Things WILL get better... but only if you stick to NC! Day one of my healing started with the first day I stuck to NC:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/update-what-helped-me-move-life-364028-2.html

Now the only thing that bugs me looking back is that I delayed 3 months of healing (and wasted 3 months of my life) because I kept breaking NC!

Hey guys,

Thank you for your words.
I never wanted to break NC. Haven't thought of it, to be honest. But I had to think forward towards July and the issue of moving out of the shared flat. Don't know if I can avoid seeing her then or if I'll be able to face her.

Right now, I can feel the healing process a bit, but imagining to see her again is scary.

Is it possible to be good enough, not healed all the way, and get through one contact without losing everything?!

*smiling at myself* I can see my progress already. I am living for me again, not for her/us, just as I did for the last 2 1/2 years.

Guys, this feeling is awesome and I'd never gotten there without NC. I feel strength again and I feel worthiness. I feel I start loving myself again because I am facing my weaknesses and admit to them and be open to others about them.

I even see what a beautiful person she has given up, whereby at that point of time, this person wasn't present anymore. Only slowly I am returning...

But every day is making me better, stronger, clearer and healthier...

And I feel like I'm alive again...

Tando, you are going to have good days, bad days, great days, and rock bottom days. This is a process, a long one at that. It took me months to actually see that I was getting better, and I mean MONTHS.

Just hang in there. The key is to keep your emotions in check. Don't get too happy, or too sad, as you know you are still healing when your emotions run your thoughts.

You are for sure a beautiful person, but most people are, and the key is to truly believe in yourself and share that beauty with those around you, especially those that are in need of help the most.

Kc,

I know it will take me far longer than this 6 weeks (exactly on the day) to get better, but if you believe it or not, I am far better than before. I am letting go and moving on. The pain is bearable currently, sometimes not even existing.

Today I started to write a letter to her and at some stage I just stopped and thought... what the hell am I doing? This is insane. Why do I waste my precious time on this. I rather take this time to look after myself, because she is just doing the same...

Later in the evening I „broke“ NC by checking on her Facebook profile for updates. Since I am not her friend anymore, I used the login of one of my friends. There I „found out“ that she is being very very happy without me and enjoying herself. Even looking at pictures were not so hard. A little stitch in my chest, but nothing else.
Won't do it again though since I believe I just wanted to know where I am standing... I don't think it's denial no more but rather acceptance...

That is so awkward to be honest.

Tomorrow I will be back at the library and continue on my final thesis for uni...

And I will keep you updated, of course...

Guys,

Bad day today... at least it started bad... had a sleep as well... so stupid to look at the profile... only hurts in the end and I do step back in the process... I was thrown back in old thougths and started on unanswered questions again... so stupid... This will teach me a lesson...

I shouldn't overrate my progress and be patient... I always was a patient and calm person... I am supposed to walk my way and leave the rest behind. Right now, I am all right but my heart is aching badly.

It is still a road of 1000 miles and I just went right back to the start... well... back on track now now...

Later in the evening I „broke“ NC by checking on her facebook profile for updates. Since I am not her friend anymore, I used the login of one of my friends.

Why dude? WHY? WHY??

Not only did you look at her profile, you actually went the extra mile to look (by using someone else' login) so you have no excuse of "accidentally" checking her profile.

Looking at my ex-gf's info on Facebook has caused me pain in the past even when I unfriended her. Noticing her un-tag me from photos, removing photos she posted of me, seeing her change her profile picture, etc... See my story. I regret even going near her info on Facebook now. It's best to completely block all info of her.

NC! Especially social networking sites!

Hey bigdee,

I know it was stupid and I already do regret it...
This extra mile I need to walk now now will teach me better.

I will keep away from Facebook as best as possible in the future, especially from her profile... As I said, I am impatient... I thought I am much further in the process but had to be taught the hard way...

It is so bad that even today I had/have the feeling that I'm living in a dream world... that I don't have touch with reality and build up some sort of bubble world for myself, but for quite some years already... to me it seems that I am turning into a nutcase... or I discover I am a nutcase...

It is a frightening feeling, let me tell you!!

Rock bottom day yesterday... short night with almost no sleep past... new day has started... many thoughts went down my brain... am back on track... feeling like I arrived back in reality...

Luckily...

Looking back and being angry about the time wasted already...
But also thinking this was precious time for me to understand the relationship, my ex and especially myself...

Although I moved in circles for many many times, with the same thoughts and ideas...

Trying to cut out ideas by really writing them down regularly...

It's OK man, we're human... we make mistakes and we sometimes can't fight the urges of curiosity, YET. Time will make you stronger and you will be able to fight the urges.

As of right now, you're thinking that it was a step back from your progress. It was not. I had a similar situation.


Turn this thing into a positive one. Now that you've seen this, it'll be that much easier to cope with as the days pass, also making it a big reality check. Be strong buddy, this was not a step backwards... it was a quick stop. Keep going man, keep rolling.

The last two nights I slept really sh... actually I did not sleep more than 2 -3 hours a night... not even feeling tired really.

I can't explain my state, I don't know if I'm moving on or what is happening. It is a strange feeling... I need to figure that out asap.

I want to have a really good sleep and just wake up refreshed... but I don't seem to be able to... I am restless and too sharp...

What did you do before you went to bed?

Take a hot bath and a couple Advil tablets... relaxing and comforting.

You are still in the early stages of breakup, it is normal you can't sleep. We cannot pretend someone is out of our life and just like that life goes on. These things take time.

It's going to be 20 weeks for me since my breakup, I sleep a lot better now. I still think of her sometimes, but now it's different, my life is moving on with or without her, if she chose to bail out, it's her loss, she will miss on a lot and another woman will come along and take her place.

The best thing I can tell you is, read a lot about relationships, why breakups happen, how to cope with a breakup, how to move on with your life.

Remember if the girl dumped you, she had no feelings for you, and she probably already moved on, she don't care how you feel and if she can go to bed each night without even checking to see how you are doing, you have your answer. Don't waste another minute thinking of her.

Physical activities are great during the day, and a hot bath, aspirin/Advil. And a good book work wonders. Exercise stimulates the appetite, and is a great stress relief.

Guys,

Thanks for the advice.
My last two days were really good for me. I cried, I contemplated, I worked out, I sulked around, I was sad, I was aching, I was missing, I was almost everything I can imagine...

I read a book already, I found out, what I need to do to become a better person and a better partner. I also start to really accept the break-up and lose hope. I try and move on slowly. I start enjoying being single again and do stuff, I never did before.

Yesterday I went to a party and started flirting with a girl. We danced, we touched, we were close and it made me feel so good. I know that it is not the right thing to do (rebound etc.) but at that moment, I just needed it and if it is good for me, then I should do it!! I need to look after myself and my needs but continue to respect other people and their feelings.

I don't want to jump into a rebound relationship, but some closeness isn't wrong, is it? Feeling appreciated, feeling good about myself, boosting my self-esteem... what do you guys think of that?!

Tonight I will see her again... some sort of date... I never had something like that before... I always met my partners as friends first... so I am really nervous... well, we'll see, ey.

Will keep you updated...

There is no point putting your life on hold. You have to move on eventually. So don't worry too much about the rebound aspect. It's not like you're jumping into a relationship with this girl at the party because you feel the need to fill the void of a missing girlfriend. You were just having fun and that's a good sign.

If you're really worried about rebound, then just take it slow with her. Take the time to get to know her as a friend. But also take the time to get to know other people too. You're single now, you don't have to focus on one person. When you are ready to date again, then make your move.

Q-,


I don't want to jump into a rebound relationship, but some closeness isn't wrong, is it? Feeling appreciated, feeling good about myself, boosting my self-esteem... what do you guys think of that?!


A-,

You're single now, you don't have to focus on one person. When you are ready to date again, then make your move.

Had to spread the rep wish but that was a good answer.

Maybe you need to know the difference between enjoying yourself with others, and being attached to someone.

Don't get attached, and your free to party your arse off, and enjoy yourself like healthy single pepople do.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall, 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!:eek:

I think since my break-up I learn to know the difference between attached and having fun.

I don't feel attached to this girl, I just enjoyed her close presence. Tonight I would like to get to know her better and let's see what's happening from there.

I am on the way of getting attached to myself and that is the first and most important attachement I have to create :-)...

I will take it easy tonight and just be myself, enjoy the evening and habe a good time... that's all :-)

Back home, starting a new day.

I had a good time with the girl, we talked, we laughed, we had fun, we got close, we touched, we embraced and we even kissed slightly.

I was honest to her but and told her where I am standing. Enjoying the closeness, but not interested in something long-term and don't want to hurt her in the long run. She was very understanding.

Right now, my bad conscience is playing up, because I missed a deeper connection and am not sure if I should see her again to make things worse. I never made her hope though. I think I am not supposed to act like I did yesterday... have to be careful... not only for others, but for myself to stay in my ethics and values. I need to draw the line for myself as well.

I think due to yesterday, I saw my line... good experience and learning from it :-)

At least I realised once again that I do have other options once I am ready for it... So another step to self-esteem and self-acceptance.

I am getting better and better. I am finding peace for myself, I am letting go slowly, I am taking care of my life, I am forgiving myself and my ex. Last night I even slept for almost 6 hours straight and woke up without being thinking of my ex big time. I'm healing slowly... I'm realising the break-up and accepting it.

I need to take the place in my heart with all the love for my ex and offer it to someone else... TO ME!!

Seriously, the more time has passed, the clearer everything gets and I can see the sense and also the fact, that I just wasn't ready for a serious "adult" relationship because I wasn't ready myself and didn't know the rules of the game...

I'm just realising, in my posts, I don't mention my ex no more really. It's such a good sign that I let go of her and concentrate on my development and growth and healing... which is great...

Guys, thank you so much for assisting me through the process so far and talking me out of contacting her. It would've been humiliating and hurtful for me... I am growing stronger and stronger and until July, I won't be healed but strong enough to meet her and bid a fair farewell until I am completely healed.

But since all this is in the future, I can't worry too much... I am living in the presence and can start worry about tomorrow once tomorrow arrives ;-)...

Have a wonderful Sunday, guys and keep supporting the peeps around. I am also trying to share my new-gained-wisdom already... :-)

That's good your heading the right direction. I know the feeling of not feeling ready for another woman in your life. Take your time, I rejected like 3 or 4 women in the past months and I thought is because I am not attracted to them, but it's more than that.

We are not ready to be with a new woman and start all over. Before starting new with a new girl we need to have a fresh start ourselves on our own. Like you said, doing things you love, loving yourself again. It's a time to reflect and think about what you want. I know for a fact that the relationship ended for a reason or many reasons and we must learn from these so we do not repeat the same mistakes with the next girl.

If she found someone else or not is not important. Chances are she is going to jump from one guy to another and realize they are all rebounds. If she ended it, I suggest NO Contact until you have no choice to speak or until she initiates contact.

Be strong and move on. It will only get better with time. Going on 5 months since breakup and will be 3 months on July 3rd since we last spoke. I feel better and thanks to this site I did not fall into her trap. I did not become a wussie and start begging her back, no way.

Your on your way to more healing and don't forget you are not alone and a lot of guys are going trough this as we speak.
Hang in there buddy!

Hi guys,

It has been over a week since my last post.
Life is progressing and slowly but surely I do some progress, but seriously only slowly. Still I am putting my life on hold though... and I know that this is all up to me. My heart is ruling too much yet.

I'm trying hard to push the whole story aside, but it is hard. Still. It's been 8 weeks today. Almost two months.
Two precious months I have spent in misery, but the new found insight is a great gain and worth the pain. Now all I need to do is taking the knowledge and convert it into daily action...

I realise that I don't need her in my life, but the immense feeling of "I would like her in my life" is just too overwhelming sometimes.

The more I get back in touch with me, the more I realise my stupid destructive behaviour within the relationship, the more I understand WHY I acted like that, the more I am convinced to become a better person, a better man and a better lover.

It is hard that this insight only occurs AFTER the break-up and that I am only capable of adjusting these patterns AFTER I already "lost" my big love for good.

The more insight in the important things in life I get, I realise what a wonderful person my ex is... how weird is that? I realise how far she is in her personal development and that I wasn't there yet. The more I see these things, the more I start to love her for being this wonderul personality and the more I would love to share our lives together. On the other hand, I know that I need to find my own ways first...

This is so hard, because I am trying to let go of the one woman that I can imagine spending my life with... I know about my deep connection to her, I feel this deep love, I feel her ability to complete me. On the other hand, I see all the difficulties, the problems and the differences. I see reality and KNOW that she has moved on, is finished with me and not interested in me at all... hard pill to swallow.

It is an inner fight and in the end, I will win... no matter if we get together or not. I just need to keep a healthy balance and concentrate on myself first...

I need to set my mind on myself... It is hard, but I want to succeed.

Ok I strictly believe in no contact

But before I was able to do this 100%,like you,I had to have the '10th last say' even if it didn't matter.

I needed some kind of closure,I completely know the feeling.

And in a way by calling my ex the last time (breaking nc for a month) I got that closure,because I realized even after a month,my ex had no remorse,nothing changed,and that was it.But I had to 'see it myself'

So..

Back to nc,it's been 2 months and I'm fine now.

Hey 57373,

Thank you for your reply.

I do keep NC to a certain degree, but jump into testing myself far too quickly. I am so impatient. I seriously never felt pain like that before... never...

This conversation burns on my heart, but I know that it might result in a huge humiliation on my side.

It has been two months and I am getting better. I can drag myself out of the misery to a certain degree, but still not far enough.

I am trying to motivate myself to do certain stuff, to set myself certain goals. I make up work schedules, but I cannot keep them, because thoughts are coming over me.

Seriously, I do feel so weak right now. I am a strong person though, but my mind is so weak. Right now I can't even think of anything that is lighting me up. I think attitude is very important here. And my attitude is far too negative currently. I allow myself to hurt, I allow myself to be negative, I allow myself to do all the destructive things and eventually I will allow myself to move on, let her go and get back on my sole way of life...

I am not only in pain about "losing" her, but also about me not being able to get my life in order and deal with the whole story constructivly. I am disspointed in myself... it is a vicious circle... I try go get my life in order and then those thoughts about her and the relationship are coming back to me. Then I don't get my stuff done and I get disspointed. I then remember her words, that I am a person without motivation, strive, goals and aims and there I am...

Rock bottom...

I want to find that exit of the vicious circle...

And I know that I will have to cut all possible ties to her, cut all contact, cut all information, cut everything... actually cut her out of my life... which is a hard thing to do with a person who I know is my soulmate, trustee and most important person in my life, right behind me...

Okay, enough whinging for today... I am feeling better after this therapeutic writing ;-). Looking into future with much more optimism again and hope I can prevail this feeling...

Will be back latest in a week... let's do this some sort of weekly newsletter :-D

I know exactly what you mean about thoughts.
In particular dreams you can't control.
The idea of her being with someone else,waking up with them.

All absolutely disgusting.And can send you into rage,then sadness then apathy.

And then the flip side,the idea of you moving on to someone else (at least in my case for me,this feels wrong I'm not there yet,I feel as if I would be the same person my ex is,to forget so fast and move on so I am stuck in uetero)

I doubt she is your soulmate though,I believe even a friend could be a soulmate,it doesn't have to be romantic but my point about that is,a soulmate under no circumstances would hurt you,or walk away.She isn't a soulmate as much as she is a soul-test.

And trust me I completely understand the crushed feeling,nothing compares.

Btw what do you mean by NC to a certain degree? Doesn't sound good.

NC to a certain degree means, that once in a while I look at pictures of her or us to check my progress in the process. No direct contact, no texts, no emails, no Facebook, no calls...
I also do speak far too much about the time, my conclusions and contemplate about the past and what I might be able to do different and make this whole thing work... but these thoughts are becoming fewer and fewer.
Recently I got in contact with a mutual friend and we discussed the situation. This wasn't easy either... and a mistake for sure!!
And it crushes me all the time.

But in the meantime, my focus of thinking is actually also changing from her to me. My head is clear and my mind is open. Since I do have more time, less pressure from the relationship and can concentrate on me reflecting on myself, I do realise that I do not like the way I am leading my life. I am not happy with what I am doing day in and day out.

My goals, dreams and aims are returning slowly, but I wonder if they are still valid for me right now. I am in a confused state of mind and I feel like I am dissapointing myself once again.
I am the kind of person who gets overwhelmed and starts feeling paralised once the pile of tasks/challenges grows too huge and I can literally see myself standing in front and the crap is starting to fall down on me. I know that the only way is to start at one point and slowly work myself through...

So the focus of my problem is changing slowly. It is departing from her and the relationship to me and my issues and personal challenges. That is a good sign on the one hand and also an explanation why this partnership wasn't able to work out.

If I am not all even with myself, how shall I manage and make a serious relationship work? Especially if I wasn't able to open up and show my weak points to my ex, share my fears and my issues.

I know that it is not time for me to be in a relationship currently... not even with my ex. I need to build up a healthy relationship with myself first. I need to set up new valid goals, aims and dreams and try to reach them. I need to be happy for myself and then I might be able to be happy with someone else... Step by step.

It is not about US anymore, now it is all about me. This is probably the biggest chance in my whole life to turn it around and make it worthwile living... for ME!!

@57373: I like soul-tester :-). I know that soulmates do not have to be partners, they can also be really good friends. And I do have to disagree slightly that soulmates do not hurt you... sometimes you need to hurt someone or let someone go if you realise that it might be the best way for them to grow and become happy again. I think it is really hard for soulmates to see their other part suffering, distroying themselves and fighting badly...

Although I also have to admit, that soulmates should stand strong next to the other in times of misery... so it is a difficult call :-)

Your coming along nicely in a short time Tando, glad to see that. Knowing yourself, your own boundaries and limits, as well as what makes you happy with yourself is a good things to have working for you, especially when life throws you a curve.

It doesn't matter how fast you grow and learn, just that you keep growing and learning... for the rest of your life.

So far so good. The real test will be how you handle the bad times as any one can enjoy the good times can't they? You would think so at least.

Hey tal,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm coming along nicely in the sense of starting to understand my issues and actually being prepared to deal with them offensively.

I decided to postpone my bachelor thesis for another semester... I do have the chance and opportunity. Many people will say... you lose just another six months, but I look at it that these six months are just for me... I do this just for me without thinking of other people's opinions. It is MY life and I will handle it...

Within these six months I can start and build up a life worth living and being happy with myself. I do have a certain frame and can get used to it slowly. Afterwards, I can dare the huge step to "adulthood" :-).

In the next six months I would like to balance out my life. I would like to balance joy, work, determination and life.

Currently, I am so unbalanced and the only thing that kept me somehow in balance was my partnership. But this weigh cannot be carried by any person. It was only a matter of time until we had to split. Or she had to, because I was to "weak" to either call it a quits (in my and her best interest) or open up to her and allow her to see my confusion, personal weakness and issues. I was scared to lose her over my weakness, played the strong man, put up a mask and lost her anyway... that is life...

Never wear masks, be yourself, be honest to yourself. There is no other person in this whole wild world than yourself, you have to answer to in the end...

I only realise that the better, clearer and more determined I become, the more I miss being with her, the more I miss the opportunitiy for a second chance, the more I see us being together. But that is a natural development, I guess...

And it will be a split feeling every time I will succeed... at least for some weeks, months and maybe years to come, because at the same time I will feel a little sadness deep down in my heart that I wasn't capable of doing it before and keep this wonderful person in my life...

On the other hand, I look back at the partnership and start appreciating all the good times we had together. Seriously, I won't even know if I'd have as much love, experiences, joy, fun, good times and anything else without her in my past 3 1/2 years. It was a great time and I am thankful for so many memorable and precious moments...

When I see her in July (to clear the appartement), I would like to say thank you to her for all good times. I do not want to depart in anger, because I know that our next meeting will be the last for quite some time to come... and I want to depart on a peaceful, appreciating and good ground...

I will be able to insert this partnership in my past life as a positive experience...

It hurts right now, but the pain will fade away eventually...

P.S.: I am not a person who can handle bad times very well, but I am trying to become stronger and more focused, even through the bad times... it is all in my own hands... if I am down, it is me to decide, when and how I get up...

Hey guys,

Just for your attention... this will be a longer post...

It has been a while since I posted here and so much has happened. Unfortunately not in a good way. I am not even back to square 1 but rather to square -1.

One day in July, I contacted my ex to chat about the clearing of our shared appartement. I felt strong and asked for a personal meeting to discuss a few things. She said that she thinks it is too early for both of us. Her voice was cold and distant. I realised my insecurity coming up but insisted (how ing stupid!! ) on the meeting. The same day we met and walked for two hours. She almost said nothing. I talked... or at least tried to talk and tell her all the things I wanted, but somehow I couldn't... I was emotionally shaky and pushed for something I wasn't ready for yet. She was so cold and distant... the atmosphere was somehow freezing and it shocked me big time!!

She had absolutely N O T H I N G more to say to me. The few things she said came close to a confession of failure for me. I drew her energy, I could never make her feel my priority in life, she felt not taken seriously in the end, the fact that we had nothing to speak about really did not surprise her since we apparently did not talk much during the relationship either. I wanted to thank her for having loved me for who I am and her reply: I only loved you for who you are in the beginning, then I loved you... and I just took the words, heard it and was shocked but forgot to ask who or what she loved instead!?
Additionally she told me that she will not be in contact with me until I found a new girl-friend or got married. So for the next few years at least. This sentences sting deep and still do. I was weak this day, I was so weak. Within four months I turned from her loving partner into a persona non grata. She said we have to live our separate lives now and that I need to find my inner voice and my self-esteem again.

I never thought that she might react this way towards me. So much has been broken before and after the break-up. No connection is left over - NONE... I can't believe it, seriously. It is such a tough cookie to swallow for me.

I also found out that she moved back to our old place, the place where the other guy is staying. She is back in happiness and enjoying her life again. On the one hand it makes me happy since she was/is the most important person in my life (and I am not exagerating) and I want her to be happy. A person I felt at peace, a person I enjoyed coming home to, a person I appreciated and truly love(d), a person with a huge heart, amazing personality and awesome vita. A person every man would love to be with... seriously. And I blew that chance. I blew the chance to grow next to her. I blew my dream to be the man at her side. Now I realise that I was never capable of offering her what she really needed. I never understood her completely and probably wasn't listening properly either. I heard her words but they seldom got processed in my brain properly and followed up by correct actions.
I also toppled over an old e-mail that she sent to me 1 1/2 months before the break-up. If I read it today, I can read much clearer in between the lines. She fought for us big time and had the feeling that I do not... She told me EXACTLY what she needed right now... just a conversation, a DIALOGUE and I wasn't capable of sitting down with her and TALK. She didn't know what I was thinking or feeling. She thought that she is difficult, but she is not actually. I was difficult at that time, because I was having trouble with myself. This very day she still loved me, as she wrote and wanted to make us happen. And I wasn't capable of holding on to this chance and take it... and maybe give us another REAL shot.

I know that I should not regret... I cannot regret what I've done, but what I did NOT do... and I regret big time... and I can't get over it... I can't move on from all the things... I can't forgive myself for allowing her to move out on me.

All the things I heard, I think about are so destructive for me. It is knowledge that burnt in my brain and I can't control currently. My remote is broken...

I don't know if she realises how much power her words have over me. How much importance and weight I put in her words and this results in me being down like this currently.

I cry every day, I long for her presence, I feel like her being with me was one of the worst things that could've happened to her in the end. I still go to my casual job, do sports occasionally and try to get my life back in order, but it is hard. My self-esteem is at zero, I am disappointed in myself, in how I lead the partnership, how I hurt her over and over and over again, I sometimes think that I lost the respect for myself and one lyric says:

"You can't break my spirit, it's my dreams you take."

Well, in my case, it's not only my dreams taken, but also my spirit is lost... and that scares me to hell...

The disappointment in myself is so huge... I feel like a partnership "retard". Not only that, I feel like a social life "retard". I cannot lead proper conversations over a long period... I think I am a boring person to be around...

I feel guilt. But the disappointment is the biggest threat to me.
I question myself, my self-perspective as a loving and kind person who is aware of other people's feelings. How can I be if I even wasn't capable of getting my loved partner?!

I change a little bit in my thinking as well since I feel I was narrow-minded and not compromising enough. But every step I take to change and adapt my life to become better is so freaking hard, because it is a step towards being a person who could've been good enough for her. It makes it double difficult for me!!

I know I lost her completeley. Not only as a partner, but also as a friend, a backbone (which she always was) and a stable home...

A friend of mine put it nicely: (my ex broke up after I went to South Africa for two weeks to do some research)

It is like you are leaving your home for a holiday and during that time, your partner decides to put the house you've been living in, on fire and burns it to the grounds without asking or discussing it again. So when you return, you stand in front of the ruins, shocked about what happened. All of a sudden you are living on the streets with no home, no place to go. You are homeless while your partner moved on to a new place. Maybe not a house yet, but an appartement. And I am still homeless.

And that is how I feel... not at home anywhere... I am lost somewhere in the streets and trying to find a place for me to be. Need to rent a place and make myself comfy. But the smoke and ruins of the burned house are still visible and keep me from walking away...

I've been far better before I knew all the things that she told me during our meeting. I never thought it will result in me doubting myself even more.

All the knowledge will prolong the healing process big time... because it is nagging on my self-perception and my believe that I can be a loving, matching and adequate partner and a good person.

Man, it is all screwed up. If I only listened to you guys... but I had to make this experience for myself... I had to... how bloody stupid!! Now I pay for it... big time... and it will haunt me through the next days, weeks, months and probably years to come. I will have to find myself again. I will have to fight to trust myself again... and regaining trust is the hardest task of all - especially with yourself...

I can start at zero from here and invent myself again. I would like to stop the suffering and deal with the pain.

I know many others have gone through this before and came out stronger and a better person... and I hope I will be one of them...

I am sorry for your pain.you had the talk with your ex way too early I think and I also think she is still hurting a lot.dont beat yourself up.you did the best you could.soon you ll find that you re back on squares two three etc again.hope this helps a bit.

I can start at zero from here and invent myself again. I would like to stop the suffering and deal with the pain.

I know many others have gone through this before and came out stronger and a better person... and I hope I will be one of them...
You will, because you already know what to do. Its going to hurt for a while, but not forever.

Thank you Tal...

I feel so stupid for having turned to you guys, receiving all the good advice and actually believing you and getting better and then, in a dark moment of longing, hope, disbelief, wrong judgement and "uniqueness", I just threw away all the good work you and I've been doing to this point...

... and it broke my heart and spirit completely.

I am sorry for having disappointed you and especially ME in this process. I feel like I disrespected all you guys with all your good work you did on me before and I want to let you know that I am grateful for every comment I received. This may teach me to listen to others more, to trust their experience and advice and that it is not needed to make all your experiences yourself to learn from them.

I am glad to know that you do not simply turn your back on someone who "failed" but still come back and try to assist picking up the pieces mentally.

Thank you...

[we re all human and sometimes we fall off the wagon.we all here to help not judge you.you re doing well and things will get better as I think you know.good luck.

Thank you Tal...

I feel so stupid for having turned to you guys, receiving all the good advice and actually believing you and getting better and then, in a dark moment of longing, hope, disbelief, wrong judgement and "uniqueness", I just threw away all the good work you and I've been doing to this point...

... and it broke my heart and spirit completely.

I am sorry for having disappointed you and especially ME in this process. I feel like I disrespected all you guys with all your good work you did on me before and I want to let you know that I am grateful for every comment I received. This may teach me to listen to others more, to trust their experience and advice and that it is not needed to make all your experiences yourself to learn from them.

I am glad to know that you do not simply turn your back on someone who "failed" but still come back and try to assist picking up the pieces mentally.

Thank you...

Hey it happens. I'd wager that most of us who have gone through this have had many slip ups and regressions. I know I have. Eventually you'll get it. Bookmark your post and next time you feel ready to cave in, re-read it. It may help you do the right thing.

... most of us who have gone through this have had many slip ups and regressions

Guilty!! :(

Tal...

Even you... WOW!!

That makes me feel more human :-)...

Thank you for your encouraging words and posts...

Tomorrow it's a new week and I hope and want to start healing again...

Tando, be strong, let her be, let her go to her rebound guy, 90% of rebounds fail.

Find your happiness, show you can live without her, I told my ex to forget I ever existed, I did NC for 5 months now, I made the mistake to see some pictures on Facebook of her friends birthday cause some of her friends are still on my list. This brought me back to 2 months of healing which I have regret.

So do not go in the past anymore, move forward. If they think the grass is greener with someone else, let them go see for themselves, sooner than later it will fade away...
Remember that what 2 people had together is a unique experience and they will not find that easily with another partner.

Show you can be happy, confident, strong self-esteem, that's the best revenge you can have, being all this without her.

Good luck brother, I am going through the same thing...

Hey my friends,

I had a couple of rough days again... but yesterday was okay. I am trying again to concentrate on myself, my duties, my life and my healing. It will take a long time from here, but time (as you all say) will do its good work eventually... if I allow it to :-).

Yesterday a very good friend of mine (somehow my mentor in life), who is talking a lot to me to assist me exiting my deep stage of depression and who I respect very much, told me that she was not unhappy for the relationship to break since she believed I made myself small there in comparison and she strongly believed that neither of us would've been happy eternally.

Her words struck me and through her, I am trying to change my perspective, become more positive and leave it all behind... Many many steps to take from here, but this may be the first and the most important one.

We'll see.

Tomorrow morning I will drop off the last few things at her house (only in a plastic bag) and then it is over and done... just need to get rid of all the pictures in my family home which I am visiting on Friday and then I want to try and heal. Go really NC i.e. not talking about her with friends and trying to cut her out of my thoughts and life slowly.

I was not able to do so by now and it will be hard still... at least I manage to avoid direct contact with her so far and this is a good thing. I long for it, but (at least today being a bit clear) I see no point again... I humiliated myself badly and I may have destroyed her still somehow positive picture of me after the break-up but these are things I do not want to worry no more.
We disconnected ourselves from each other and this is it... Will drop her a last, very last few words with the stuff and then try to let go... slowly... very slowly...

One thing about NC... it is said, that there is absolutely no contact i.e. no emails, messages etc.

Now, it is her birthday on September, 21st. Although a lot of $hit has been going down the road, I still would like to congratulate her since I still do appreciate her as a person. Do you think a short e-mail here would pull me back again badly?! I consider this a deed of respect for her...

All right... a new day has started and I am trying to be more active today and get some stuff done...

Thank you guys...
Really...

Tando- I wouldn't send her an email on her birthday no matter what your reasons are.you d still be breaking the N C and you d still be clinging to some hope against hope that things might change.try to step away.no contact and start healing for real.

I think you know the answer to that. I once sent a birthday card to an ex, way back in the day, and when I didn't even get a thank you, boy was I PO'd for a while. Even if she does say "thank you", it will still stir up emotional feelings again. Until you have dealt with your feelings now, or at least have learned how, between now, and then, any contact will set your healing process back, even something as innocent as a birthday greeting. I advise against that. Respect, or not. This is about YOUR healing.

Hey guys,

Thank you for all your good advice.

The worst part of all is that, as you said Tal, I do know what to do but I cannot motivate myself. I am lethargic, in negative thoughts all day long, beating myself up about all the things I should've done different and wonder why I couldn't. I'm too critical with myself and am lost in my maze of thoughts, guilt and depression.

I cannot accept my failure, I cannot accept what happened. I cannot forgive myself for messing up so badly. I am stuck... really badly... I am suffering from major inner misery and distress - not knowing who I am, why I am, what I am, how I reacted to so many things in the way I did and why. Questioning every single part of my personality, putting it on a scale and usually weighing it badly. Hardly get out of my room into the real existing world...

My world revolved around my ex and yet, I was never capable of looking after my world properly. I tried to love her with everything I have but it wasn't good enough. She said it right the last time:

"You are not the right man for me."

It hurt me badly... and I thought about it and realised that I would not be the right man for any woman since I am so unbalanced and out of touch with reality and myself - it is not funny anymore!!

I am stuck and don't know my personal way out. I do not know how to protect myself emotionally, how to make myself feel happiness with myself, how to let go of all the crap I did. I am so freaking disappointed in myself and I keep disappointing myself over and over again. I lost self-respect...

... I am struggling with life - or at least what I consider life to be... I look around me and see all the people managing somehow and then there is me... wasting away...

... and this is killing me from the inside... I am fighting with myself... and I am losing over and over again...

"One's quality can really be seen under suffering situation or pressure. So, processes are as important as results to shape up oneself to the better."

Reading the above proverb, I disillusioned myself again. If my quality is seen under suffering situation like the one I am in right now, then I am so incredibly weak... and that also is because I make myself weak... I do not allow myself to be empowered and continue life with myself and detach from other people who mean the world to me... my world revolves around her still and I am only a bystander...

I sometimes can't feel myself at all...

... I am so freaking lost... so freaking lost... so freaking lost...

Tando-you re a good person.its OK to feel low sometimes. Talk to your friends.eat right spend time outdoors.you will feel better soon.

How can you tell that I am a good person?!

How can you tell that I am a good person?!

I can tell from your posts that you are.you will be OK soon.you will one day meet someone who s right for you.believe this.

Thank you amicon...

If only I could see what you are seeing...

... and "soon" is a very stretchable word, isn't it?! ;-)...

... it also depends on my attitude, I reckon...

Maybe exchange soon for now?as in I feel better now?and finding a routine that you follow to keep us busy?

Hey Tando,

I came across your thread, and you and I are in pretty similar situations - I'm about 2 months ahead of you though. Let me tell you - it's a CONSTANT battle. Every day is a completely different emotion - I can be on top of the world one day, and one small reminder of my ex pops up and the next day I'm in a terrible mood. Just remember it's normal to be like this - slowly (and I mean really slowly) things start to become normal again.

I've been doing NC for 20 days now, and it was easy at first and as the days go along, it was getting a little hard, but I think it will only get harder before it becomes easier. Unfortunately I have to run into my ex tonight for the first time in 20 days, but I'm going to try to just keep my distance. I'm not mad at him - I just know that nothing good will come of me talking to him, or lingering around him.

I'm still going through the same thing where you think if you talk to them it will make a world of difference in how much you hurt. I've realized though, that he isn't in the same place as I am emotionally. He moved on before even telling me we were breaking up, so he isn't going to be much help to me - and he won't be able to understand what I'm going through if I talk to him - nor will he care.

I constantly think - he used to care, we didn't break up for any bad reason - why shouldn't he care now - well he does care, but not the same way - and there really is nothing he can say to me that will make me feel better. If he says something nice - I will get my hopes up then be crushed - if he says something mean I'll be crushed.

So take my advice, and just stay away - maybe in a year or something when all of the dust has settled will you be able to have a conversation, but right now - you hurt way more than she does - its in your best interest to take care of yourself and think of yourself only. Her thoughts and feelings aren't your priority right now.

Just work on becoming confident in yourself and your abilities again. This takes time, but it's the best way to get back on your feet. We are all loveable human beings - it takes time to find the right person.

Think about it, if it was easy to find love, or to break up with someone - why would there be sooooo many songs on the radio about love? Its hard for a reason - but we will all learn from our own mistakes, and move on. :)

Oh also, just take care of yourself - eat well - invite friends over - go for walks - find a new hobby - learn to cook - go to the gym - make new friends - just keep busy and time will fly by and all of a sudden you won't worry so much about her anymore. Limit the amount of time you think about her each day, so it doesn't become an obsession.

Bella,

Thank you very much for your response.

Once again it is good to hear from someone who is in a similar position and to receive all the good input.

I am willing to move on (clear head) but my heart, tummy and messed-up head (thoughts of guilt especially) are giving me so much trouble...

Your last sentence also struck me... it is an obsession already and I need to make sure to let go of that obsession and stop being addicted to her.

Worst thing is... I know everything but cannot act...
I tried and tried and will try again... but my will is not strong enough yet... not yet...

Hi Tando, I am also in a similar situation, what helped me to don't obsess about it anymore is talking about it with other women and they all said I should have ended it a long time ago...

Another thing that helped is a site about sign compatibility. It was written that my sign virgo is not compatible with Gemini. She was a very difficult gemini who always wanted to be spoiled and entertained, so it was like having a 2nd job.

Find all the negative stuff you had to endure about her.
Check out this site and put your sign and her sign and see what it says. Zodiac Sign Compatibility (http://www.eastrolog.com/zodiac-sign-compatibility/)

Don't feel anymore guilt, they are the ones that left us...

Hey there,

I am Sagittarius and she is Virgo... headline of compatibility:

Two signs that CAN heal each other! (With exclemation mark!)

"A very interesting, exciting but risky combination"

Both of us are very much like the Zodiac signs. And that is how I feel, as well. She tried healing me and I tried as well, but we tried the wrong way... or another personality test I made was saying, that my "immature" me is tiring the other part out. And I did, not even realising what is happening... was so stuck in my thoughts, my world, my eyes on the partnership so that I wasn't able to look at reality and realise her pain and all the $hit that is going wrong.

She is a wonderful person and has a wonderful personality. I know she has her mistakes, but the main issues were with me and we were not compatible in our time. I'd say:

"With my current knowledge and her support, we'd be able to make it together..."

But I reckon this is something most of the breakees are saying.

Maybe there would've been another chance down the road of life IF I'd have reacted differently to this break-up and carry me with much more pride, acceptance and not allowing to almost drown in sorrow and depression but go on with my life - even without her. I presented myself just the way she expected me to and I validated her picture of me big time... and even humiliated myself by meeting her again and showing that she was/is right...

... is there a more stupid way to manipulate myself and really cut the last strings?!

I did E V E R Y T H I N G, literally E V E R Y T H I N G to completely mess up the situation and I don't understand myself and why I did that.

It had to end in a break-up, there was no way around by the way it went along and I know that. But I also know that only two or three minor changes on my side would've been able to either turn the tables or at least make it a cleaner break-up.

It was time for her to let me lose and move on since I was not right for her... it is hard to know that there was a true chance that I was not capable of holding on to...

... seriously...

... she fought for me so badly throughout the partnership... stood up for me in her family... tried everything possible to get through to me... openly told me what is on her mind and what is bothering her... and me, moron, wasn't able to react to it, sometimes not even able to understand what she is talking about... I avoided every conflict possible... because I can't deal with it... I never could and I need to learn...

I need to learn to interact with other people properly, to allow emotional attachement from my side and allow another person into myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams and be more open to other ideas, discuss the differences and grow together...

In the end I did everything wrong that I could have to make it a proper, prosperous, healthy and lasting relationship...

This one is on me!!

And it hurts so much to know that I destroyed and spoilt my chance with an amazing woman by simply being myself...

... and everybody is telling me... great that you realise and great that you know... but it is time to accpet it, move on and make it better the next time...

... and I know all of them are right...

... I know it but acting accordingly is so difficult for me...

... my mind and head has arrived long time ago, but my will is weak, my heart is captured and my spirit has vanished...

... sometimes I feel that I gave up on myself... and that is a major turn-down...

Hey,

Don't blame this all on yourself. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and I'm sure there are things that she could have don as well. Its natural to blame yourself and forget to see the things that the other person did wrong - its natural to wonder what you could have done better. I do it constantly. You can't change what you did or what she did, so its best to just leave it in the past.

Also, you have her up on this high pedestal. I think its time you start knocking her down a few pegs in your mind. There must have been things you didn't like about her or that irritated you about her. Write them down on a piece of paper and look at it frequently. No one is the "perfect person".

I have a hard time with this myself because I keep thinking that my ex was sooo great, and no one will compare. But honestly, he was incredibly selfish - he may have been good looking but that's not enough to keep a relationship together.

I'm having a hard time myself today because I just found out that my ex is already in a relationship with another girl - and its only been 4 months. It hurts because I feel like I was so easily replaced, but not much I can do besides just think about all of the negative things about him that now the new girl has to deal with. Sucks but its time for me to move on. This set me back a few weeks of emotional healing, but I'm determined to just move on. That's the best revenge - moving on - being happy with yourself and your life.

Keep at it - its hard not to obsess - I'm guilty of obsessing over my ex way too often, but I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Keep trying.

Yea this is pretty tough for me - not going to lie. I really want to just start over with a clean slate - just move on - I'm going to make it happen. I haven't been able to convince myself to delete him as a friend or block him, but I did block her so at least her pics and posts and stuff on Facebook won't pop up. I'm also going to stay away from Facebook for a few months.

Now I just have to try not to run into the 2 of them out. Its so hard to believe that he is going out with another girl - theya re having fun together while I'm just miserable. I don't want to be, and I'm going to try hard not to think about them.

I still just want to cry - I'm so good at giving advice - and I know what I SHOULD do - its just so hard to get your heart to start believing it too. Its hard not to obsess over someone. But he isn't mine anymore - its done - time to move on. So much easier said than done. :(

Woops this was supposed to be in my thread...


yea this is pretty tough for me - not gonna lie. I really want to just start over with a clean slate - just move on - I'm gonna make it happen. I haven't been able to convince myself to delete him as a friend or block him, but I did block her so atleast her pics and posts and stuff on facebook won't pop up. I'm also goign to stay away from facebook for a few months.

Now I just ahve to try not to run into the 2 of them out. Its so hard to believe that he is going out with another girl - theya re having fun together while I'm just miserable. I don't want to be, and I'm going to try hard not to think bout them.

I still just want to cry - I'm so good at giving advice - and I know what I SHOULD do - its just so hard to get your heart to start believing it too. Its hard not to obsess over someone. But he isn't mine anymore - its done - time to move on. so much easier said than done. :(

Hey,

Its natural to blame yourself and forget to see the things that the other person did wrong - its natural to wonder what you could have done better. I do it constantly. You can't change what you did or what she did, so its best to just leave it in the past.

Also, you have her up on this high pedestal. I think its time you start knocking her down a few pegs in your mind. There must have been things you didn't like about her or that irritated you about her. Write them down on a piece of paper and look at it frequently. No one is the "perfect person".

I have a hard time with this myself because I keep thinking that my ex was sooo great, and no one will compare. But honestly, he was incredibly selfish - he may have been good looking but thats not enough to keep a relationship together.




I agree 100% with Bella, we are blaming ourself forgetting all the $hit we endured with them. Because love makes us blind, we think we are the problem and we blame ourself for the breakup. It was'nt entirely our fault.

And your right about looks, you can't stay with someone just because they are good looking. If they have a bad attitude and they know it but use their looks to control you, that is just evil.

There is nothing worse then dating someone who is selfish because all the things you do for them, is like they don't even notice or don't care. I felt whatever I did for her it was never enough. All she cared was about her happiness, not our relationship.

I think if she really cared she would have sticked by your side to make the relationship work not bail out. Do not blame yourself, guilt is just torturing yourself for nothing. Take her off that pedestal and see the reality of things, she didn't care that much, especially if they found someone else right after...

We will find someone better more compatible with us. I know it's hard to believe this right now, but one day it will happen. If it takes more time to find someone else, it's OK, it's not a competition to who finds a replacement first. Chances are our ex is dating a rebound, so it won't last long.

Thank you guys...

Tando,
PirandelloLuigi made some great points. To take her off that pedestal.

I was also dumped by a very selfish girl and have been in the chit now for almost 3 mo.

One important thing to realize is that she already has done the damage when she ended it. Everything after that, unless you had contact with her, is self-inflicted. Hard to grasp, believe me, but, that, in essence is the beauty of NC. To get rid of her, just as she did. And work on you and who you are.

The good thing is that she will never hurt you again.

I tell myself to not to be concerned with what she's doing because she is no longer in my life. I don't have to "let" her do anything. That decision has already been made, and most likely way before. Sucks, yes.

No you can make your decisions w/o her. Plus she's leaving the country right? Sounds a lot like my user and escapist ex.

Be in control. And what that means is NC forever. To be stronger than you ever imagined you could be. Here's your test.

No one wishes to suffer. But without suffering, there is no awareness and growth.

I say this because I am still working through my own breakup.

Hang in there.

Guys,

All the potential negative things you mention about my ex are just not fitting to her.

She did not bail out... why?! Because of the following reasons:

She fought for us big time... she tried to get through to me, very clearly (which I couldn't realise), very openly, but it is inexcusable if one partner is not willing (or capable) to enter conflict or communicate about certain issues or communicate at all, hopes for better times to come and waits for the laughs again which made me believe that the partnership is back on track. I closed my eyes in front of conflict and difficulties, tried to avoid it and hoped it will vanish just like that.

She gave me all my freedom, accepted so much of my $hit and swallowed down for us. She poured her heart out and told me that she feels we are having a one-way-communication and that she needs a dialogue which I wasn't offering her. She clearly stated it to me and even gave it to me in writing (in an email) and I can't understand why I did not react!!
Opening up to her could've made such a huge difference... entering dialogue...

In a relationship it is uninvetiable to communicate and discuss the issues of each other, to talk about your dreams, your aspirations, your ideas, your problems, your difficulties and try to compromise or support each other. I knew everything about her... but for her I was a mystery... because I kept it a mystery... because I am not used to open up towards anyone...

I hold back with so many things, I made myself a mystery and a person who is hard to grab and hard to be around. I made her feel complicated, which she is not actually.

I was happy in the partnership, because I was with her. Before entering the partnership, I had my silly plan for the future until I realised what I really wanted but I had it hard to admit to myself, that my former dreams are just not something I really want, but rather something I'd wish to do but am not the right person to do so... and again, I like to challenge people in their thinking and sometimes take over the opposite opinion just to make them re-think their position... even though I might be the same opinion as them... and I even did that during the relationship and talks about our future. I presented myself with my ideas but was willing to compromise on it actually.

I hoped to lead a different life with travelling around, seeing many places etc etc etc, but I realise that what I really want is a secure place, stability and a loving relationship (which I had) to be my backbone and evolve from there. But I was never able to tell her. I was never able to let her know that our partnership is my place of balance, my place of joy next to my sports.

Another thing that is so hard on me. She tried and tried and tried and tried to work on our partnership, to empower me and grow together. She realised soon that there are things that are bothering her and she wanted it resolved. Told me a couple of times and I never really understood or was capable to act accordingly although it was in my capability.

Of course she has fer flaws, but them are minor and I was never really worried about it. Believe me guys, she is a great person and I know I put her on a pedestal and everybody tells me that I need to knock that down. I tried but if you look at all the relationship guides and the important stuff in a partnership, I avoided the healthy process and promoted a conflict that was not to be resolved anymore.

I was so unbelievably insensitive towards her, neglected her real needs and pushed her away when she was trying to fight big time for us throughout the partnership. At 28 I am more immature in my knowledge about relationships than many 20 years old... so frustrating...

She sacrificed so much for me and us and sometimes I wonder if I ever realised what she is doing for me/us and if I appreciated it enough. She left her country, she left her family behind (huge step) and she left her comfort zone, her social network and her security. I don't think I really understood what this means for her, what a huge sacrifice that is since I am not attached to all the above things... I am not attached to many things after all... and I wonder if I honoured her step the way I should've... but instead I disppointed her again...

I am not a social loner, but an emotinal loner who has difficulties to allow people in, to discuss his issues, because for me conflict always hurt each other to a certain extend and somehow I always connected it to a loss of love and eventually a loss of the partner... and she was my most important person in life... and I did not want to lose her... never... I never looked behind the curtain of conflict which displays hurt, loss and difficulties and discovered the stage of growth, compromise and learning from, with and over each other...

... and all the things I mentioned above just contributed and provoked a break-up. Her energy level was down and I can understand her decision. She has to look after herself first. She has to be happy in a partnership, not unhappy...

She is a happy person altogether, she is smiling a lot, very optimistic, self-confident, straight, loving, caring, big-hearted, dedicated and just amazing young woman.

For me she was a jackpot.

Worst is that by now I'd be ready... and it is too late... even if I get my life on track and be able to change, I missed this huge chance to be with this awesome person...

... and everybody is telling me that she was not the right one, otherwise it would've worked out. I believe she was pretty good for me IF I was more mature and stabile in my personality. Actually no woman could've been right for me in this time since my concept of partnership was not working and could not work properly. No woman would've accepted my behaviour for good...

... so I wonder why I met her in this time of my life... the woman that I believe to be perfect for me... or was it her part to wake me up from my sleep and realise so many things about me...

... I had so many great times with her, so many good memories, almost no bad memories and if, then they are connected to my immature behaviour that caused conflict...

... people are trying to tell me to remember bad moments and bad things about her, but there are few, almost none... and the big $hit that was going down towards the end is something I can understand since she was desperate and maybe even looking for a way out. I know it is not the most accepted way out, but some people just need a trigger to leave... she also wanted to make a clean cut, not a nasty because I also did many positive and good things for her apart from the pain I inflicted.

She offered me to move out and pay half of the rent, she bought the engagement ring off me, that I got for us and stated clearly that she is not regretting the partnership at all and that she still likes me and hopes to be friends one day in the future. She also thanked me for the recent years together and said that she hoped so strongly for me to be her last partnership... she appreciates everything I did for her but cannot continue on this ground since she is running out of energy.
She said that through our partnership she learned the meaning of love. She was so positive and really tried to make an easy cut. She was also honest about the other guy and her feelings. In the end, she was so fair, honest and tried everything possible to make this an "easy" break-up. She also hurt and I did not realise she is hurting... I never really did... how bad is that?!

I was the person who made this partnership not able to work.
I believe after this description, you may understand my feelings of guilt a bit better...

... and why I wonder that others look at me as a wonderful person but I am capable of hurting my closest people over and over and over again, sometimes even not realising...

... and occasional in the end, they just turn around and walk out on me...

... something completely understandable, don't you think?!

All right, it is time for me to stop writing about this. It is just pulling me down again and at some stage I really need to get over it, simply accept my stupid behaviour, forgive myself and try to move on... I do not only have to move on from my ex, but also from me... and moving past me is the hard part...

Forgive yourself. We re only human. :-)

WOW I just finished reading the whole thread.There are a couple of thing that you need to do to move on,

Quit puttung her up on a pedestal. She was a human being who had flaws even though you can't find any in her now doesnot mean she did not have any.

I know its hard but you need engange yourself in other things, maybe working out,reading hanging out with friends anything to keep your mind off her.

She has moved on and doesnot want you back.Think about that for a min.Let it soak in.

Be patient with yourself.NC is not a quick fix, its been almost a year since I went nc after a 8 year relationship, I am still not completely over her but I am a lot better then I was in the first month, and can fuction like a normal human being.

Hey dare81,

First of all... respect for your stamina to get through the whole thread... seems to be interesting ;-).

Thank you for your words... I know I do have a lot of healing to do and moving on is not easy for me since I need to forgive myself for what I did...

I know that I put her up a pedestal but I also mentioned that I know about her flaws and am really clear about them. Yet, they were all right to deal with. Probably I should've challenged her a bit more as well...

I am trying to get back my life but it's not easy for me since I beat myself up all the time and can hardly escape my negative thoughts but sometimes a rush of anger befalls my body and mind and wonders, why I am doing all this to me...

It is not fair towards myself, my environment and my close and loved ones.

But primarily for me!!

I need to learn to do stuff for myself, I need to follow my career, I need to find my inner self and find peace with myself...

I know that she is not hurting me anymore... she never really did anyway... it is my quirk and I am stuck there for the last 4 months... unbelievable... and it will take me at least another four months... even longer probably... it's going to be a slow process...

All right, my day was okay so far and I'm off to work in 15 minutes.
Will keep you updated...

I need to find my inner self and find peace with myself...


Beating yourself up and focusing on the negative will not bring peace, and its unrealistic to think its all your fault. Acknowledging your shortfalls is great, if you have a plan to work on them, that's what growth is about, learning to deal with yourself, and love who you are. Then you will be at peace.

I don't have a plan yet. I am only finding out about myself and then it hits me badly... it is a process currently and the more I enter it, the more I discover... it is not all negative that I discover, but mostly... it just shocks me and I question myself and the way I lived my life so far...

Yet, I cannot deal with all the conclusions at once and starting to love yourself is a hard thing if you just discover what went wrong.

This will take me a long time to find peace and accept myself and learn how to deal with myself.

But if I take my time, do not want to stay impatient with myself and start accepting the reality, I will be all right.

A lot of mistakes have been done on my side already and it is time for me to look at it and learn from it.

I lost one of the most important people in my life,the person my life revolved around for the last 3 years and I am still revolving around her... unfortunately...

Sooner or later I need to leave that circle and head to new endeavours...

One of the closest people in my life told me:

"Look, although you knew about many of your mistakes already for some years, those days you were not ready to address them, you protected yourself by not looking at it and continue with your life. Everything has its place and time and I strongly believe that right now it is your time to look at yourself and start growing and learning."

These words offer me some help. It is not the first time I am having such a hard time to get over a break-up, if I remember right. But it is worse since my latest ex was the first woman who was able to capture my heart completely and who I imagined to be the mother of my children, my mate for life and my counterpart in life. I got my heart broken before, but this is the worst ever since I dedicated my whole emotional existency in this partnership.

Well, maybe something else to learn from... do not "fall in love to deep"... at least with no other than yourself...

Tando,

I think it would be best for you to just dive into some new activities - you are definitely spending a LARGE portion of your time analysing your past releationship. Its good to do, but only in moderation. You need to take your mind off it, and do something fun for yourself. When you wake up, make up your mind that you will do something selfish for yourself - some new activity, and do your best to keep her out of your mind for a period.

You definitely don't want this to take over your life. Its hard to get out of that habit.

I know, bella,

Problem is that it has taken over my life already and it is hard to let it go again...

I am a thinker, I always was and always will be... somehow I managed to suppress it over the last few years, but currently it is taking me in...

Until this moment, I knew about my minor mistakes and I dealt with them just fine. I accepted them and managed to get through life somehow...

... but now it hit me badly... really badly... all the dark stages and negative deeds and actions of my past are picking up on me or even overtake me...

Seriously, I do not even know what can make me happy currently. I seldom smile or laugh and if then it is not from my heart...

... it is hard for me to enjoy fun currently and to even feel luck or joy...

... if you'd ask me: "Okay Michael, let's do something fun for you. What would you like to do?!?", I would not have an answer for you... I lost my happy side completely, I took my inner child and put it in a closet, locked it properly and somehow threw away the keys... now I am looking for it in this huge mess of my inner self and I know it is hidden somewhere there underneath all the crap that I need to get organised before picking up the key...

I think if they truly loved us, they would have accepted our flaws and make compromises. Giving up easily just shows me a lack of interest or low interest.

When I was younger I was in a relationship for 8 years and my ex back then never mentioned to break up after an argument.

Tando I know you feel guilty, I am feeling guilt too, but I cannot believe it's all our fault, I know they also pushed for a breakup.

Even if we think they tried hard to save us, I still believe they did not try hard enough. The scale was heavier on one side, until it tipped over.

Don't think about it anymore, every time you have a thought of it, block it and think of something else.

Hang in there buddy! You are not alone...

The reality of the situation is that relationships don't always work. There doesn't have to be fault with either person. People change, feelings change, it happens. The biggest mistake we can make when something like this ends is to try and find someone to put the blame on. This is life, things end, people come and go... a lot. Just means it wasn't meant to happen, as hard a pill that is to swallow.

Tando,

I definitely know what you mean when you say that you can't find joy in anything. I've had probalby one of the best summers every - went sky diving, lots of concerts, to the beach, and there was a black cloud over the entire thing. I wasn't excited for any of it really. I would have been had my ex been there, but he wasn't.

Really right now the only thing that you will let make you happy is if she comes back to you - but there is a super slim chance of that happening. SO you need to just make some plans - go and try to have fun, and if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, but you just need to start doing stuff. Eventually you will start to have fun again.

It takes a long time - you have only been dealing with this for a few short months - Eventually you will start to enjoy yourself again. You will enjoy yourself when you stop wishing that your ex were with you at events, or just over hanging out. I'm still sorting this stuff out myself.

I don't have much motivation to do things either and it's been 7 months since breakup.

But I go out when I can, go to the bank, groceries, put gas in car, on Friday nights go out with friends. It's small steps, but 5 months ago I would not even get out of my apartment. It's a slow process but eventually we move on.

I try not to remember all the things I did with my ex, especially on week ends, that hurts...

See I am the opposite. I make myself sooo busy that I barely have time to sit alone at home. I know sitting at home alone just makes me upset, and plus how will I ever make new friends and move on if I'm at home? Plus, my ex is always super busy with lots of plans, and I think that spurred me onto just becoming really busy so I don't have to wonder what fun he is having at that moment because I'm having my own fun ( I guess I kind of secretly want him to be jealous of me), but I am having fun.

I hate sitting at home.

@Pirandello: how can one make compromises if the other does not enter into communication and dialogue?! How shall you know how to behave, if you don't know the other part and you are not sure how to act around him... what makes him angry, what his likes and dislikes are? My ex claimed to not know that...
And lack of communication is just plain and simple inexcusable and unfair!! She had to try and compromise by herself... all by herself...


@Bella:

I hate sitting at home, too!!

I hate sitting at home and allowing life to pass by for a long time but yet I do due to my lack of I-don't-know-what...

I am in a highly depressive state of mind and procrastinate even worse than I ever did... and this time I don't seem to get my things done at all...

It's been four months and it feels like time hasn't passed at all. I still feel like sitting in May, only two weeks after the break-up.
I question my sense of reality. I wonder what is real. I wonder if I realise that my life is passing by without me... or do I expect too much of it?!

Often I do not realise what has happened and that life just continues... I completely block it and make myself believe that she has NOT broken-up with me in the first place. I tell myself that she cannot just have fallen out of love with me. I lie to myself and don't allow the facts to settle. This way, I cannot move on and I am manipulating myself again... just the way I am used to do...

I cannot imagine her leading her life without me... enjoying closeness with another man, planning her life, future and presence without me... just like that...

Maybe I take myself too serious and important.

Guys, I am living in a "perfect" world of my own where everything is good. And will come good. I am very naïve in general yet already encountered death and poverty (in others), emotional pain and other stages of severe depression (in myself). Mostly I block these things out of my mind and try to continue to look at the positive side of life and somehow avoid the cruel truth. But I believe it is always walking with me... one can run to the end of the world but your problem will always be with you...

I guess it is a protection mechanism... I also try to avoid places that I connect to negative experiences... my home town for example and in the future the town I am living in currently.

Everything I do is just not healthy and I seriously feel sick... pychologically sick... I feel that something is so wrong with me, my outlook on the world, my missing ability to feel with others and realise their reality, pain and problems. I seem to avoid all negative and hurting things in life and try to live in a happy and good world - a world that does not exist.

Ok this might sound a bit harsh, but I have no choice to say this.

Dude, there's millions of women out there, find another one.

The divorce rate is at 50%, there is plenty of single women, go out there and find one. Don't miss out on life because of 1 girl who broke your heart.

Stop dwelling on your ex. Bro I swear I really loved my ex too and I wished during these months that she would call me back, but she did not. What am I going to do ? Wait for her call ?
Waste another 7 months of my life? When I could be dating the woman of my life.

Hell no! I won't wait for her call, cause if she loved me she would have called a long time ago. Dude I don't even know if she is dating someone else and if I did that would push me to find someone else even quicker.

Bro move on, find someone else and forget her, if she still loves you one day you will get a call, in the meantime you get busy too and start dating again, enjoy yourself. She will be more attracted if you are confident and with a sexy girl than if your alone and depressed...

Makes sense?

That's not harsh.
Its reality. A reality check.

Sometimes its hard to face things. But it sounds like she is the most important thing. As was with me.

WAS the most important thing now.

Who's important now?

Michael do talk to your friends and family about this?maybe talking through all this with a counsellor might also be helpful?:-)

Thats not harsh.
Its reality. A reality check.

Sometimes its hard to face things. But it sounds like she is the most important thing. As was with me.

WAS the most important thing now.

Whos important now?

Now the priority is yourself, you can focus on yourself cause she is not there anymore to take all the focus. We have to remember to always be in touch with reality when in a relationship. Sometimes we fall in love and just put too much focus on her/him and they become our life, so when it ends, it feels like our life ended too...

amicon, glad you said that.
Was thinking the same thing

Why do you think she was that important for your own happiness? Why can't you be happy ALONE? You need to take an ACTIVE role in healing. NC is only the starting point to get better. You need to make a plan, tell yourself enough is enough, and go out there. Do whatever you need to do.

There is going to be pain and lots of it, but with sport, going out... your brain is going to let go of the pain. If you stay home and do nothing, then yes you are going to be in pain, in shock...

I believe you have been wallowing in your own pity and you lost touch of the world. The world is what you make it out to be. You are in shock right now, but believe us when we tell you, you are going to get better. Be active, don't stay home. If you hate staying home, then go out and do lots of sports. Getting better is not that hard.

Guys,

you are NOT harsh... you are simply telling the truth and I know it, too.

This is the first time I look at myself with open eyes... I look at myself with honest eyes... I look at myself with critical eyes and I don't like what I see.

I see a therapist, a psyhcologist to be exact, and tomorrow I will get a second opinion from a psychiatrist. My GP asked me to go there to determine if I may need medication, ambulant or maybe even in-patient treatment for my depression.

I speak a lot about it, not only the break-up but also about other things. Currently, I am starting to open up all the old bottles that I put in my inner wine cellar and there are plenty... plenty...

Basically I am a psychological wreck currently.

I think many of the things that my ex told me are hitting me badly and I started to question myself, my attitude, my behaviour towards the people, my personality, my actions etc etc etc. I started to look at myself and realised that I am not that wonderful person that many others see in me.

I think the biggest issue is that I am just disappointed in myself, lost self-esteem and self-respect. My self-image of being a caring, reflected and sensitive person is crumbling in front of me. I always thought I understand the people around me, but I don't.

And the more I reflect on myself, the more I become angry at myself... and I never dealt well with anger... I bottle it up. My self-expectation and my actual performance are miles away from each other, especially in these days.

This is eating me up from the inside... I question my whole identity or at least what I believed I am... the strenghts I thought I possess are turning out to be an illusion... my ability to hurt people and not understand what I am doing wrong and what they actually need and want from me is overwhelming me...

I think this is the worst... the realisation of me being ignorant to other people's feelings, hurt and pain they went through while being in any sort of relationship with me... either friends, partners or family.

I put them through a lot sometimes... and I believed I do not really hurt them and couldn't understand their point of view... because I never was in their situation... my ability of empathy is far less developed than I thought it is. I turn out to be very egocentric and convinced of my own actions, ideas and values... and I see myself as being narrow-minded and intolerant... not a person who can compromise easily...

Everything I discover currently is shocking me so deeply... in my self-image and my outlook on the world. I realise that I walked in my own world, closed up and not capable of understanding the world of the others. I always believed that the way I am leading my life is good, how I am dealing with my ex is good and that I make her happy and do not really hurt her. Reality is a complete different story.

I hurt her over and over and over and over again. And not only her, but also others... my bubble burst...

My basic problem is not the break-up, it is rather my feeling of guilt, my new achieved self-awareness that shocks my former self-image and results in self-doubt, self-criticism, self-disappointment and loss of self-respect.

And I just cannot deal with this currently. I cannot deal with all the disappointment, with the knowledge that I hurt so many people along my way... and not strangers, but people who were and are close to me... and often over and over and over again...

... and often in the exact way I did it before, some years back and although people told me about it straight and told me what is going wrong... I never really understood... I was never able to adapt my behaviour... I don't know why...

... now I can see clear and it is hard for me to let go of all my former mistakes and actions that caused so much pain...

... the key for me is F O R G I V I N G myself... letting go of my mistakes, accept it and R E A L L Y start learning from it and start growing to become a responsible adult who knows how to care for himself and for others in a proper way... I just don't know how to...

This whole thing is not simply about the partnership and my ex but about ME... about me and how I lead my life and treat the people around me.

I know that I lost her forever. There is no f... ing chance of getting back together. Too much $hit has happened, mostly indicated from my side. The way I treated her sometimes was respectless and not worthy for a partner, not worthy for her... I know I did not know different and always acted according to my best knowledge. Yet it is so freaking hard for me to accept it and just let go because it is so against my self-image, so against the way I would like to be...

For everyone there is his/her time to change... I had two ot three chances in my life already and life has treated me very kindly so far... it is time for me to pay back to life and treat life kindly...

The biggest pain is not the break-up after all... it is the dissapointment in myself, the loss of self-respect and my self-image... the conclusion that the way I treat my loved ones and not taking them serious or rather not being able to process and include their words into my system and adapt my behaviour is killing me...

realising that you are not the person who thought you are is one of the hardest things that can happen to you... and I am at this point...

That's good news-you re getting help.and we re here as well-warts and all! Keep posting.:-)

Going through life changing events is never without pain, but making some new adjustments is also very hard to do.

Your growing and learning, about yourself, and rebuilding yourself in your own image, which is hard for most, but all of us humans go through this. You will be okay in time... and a lot of hard work, though.

Hey tando, I've also managed to read the entire thread. There's been a lot of posts, so I'm a little unsure if anyone's told you this, but there's a very strong truth to the statement that time heals all wounds. You mentioned a couple of times that all your progress has been for nothing, that you've gone back to the very beginning. But I'm quite sure this is impossible, because as time passes so too will you heal. When you get cut on the leg, there's only a brief pain right? This is because the cause of the pain, the cut, only lasted that one moment. Your body soon heals, and the pain will stop.

When you get left by someone, all you have to really acknowledge is that they've really left you. Once you do, you will start to change whether you know it. Before, at the moment of the break up, you were Michael, the guy who couldn't believe he really lost the love of his life. Now you're Michael, the guy who's lost the love of his life. Whether it's for better or worse, the image of yourself has been changed, and you'll continue to grow as a single person. Now your heart is already starting to mend. Will you let yourself go past all these old mistakes, or are you going to keep slicing those old cuts open again? Because I've been there, and no matter how many times you cut yourself, your heart will never go back to being what it used to be.

That's life, it changes.

Keep up the fight to become who you want to be,
From another Michael who's very similar to you

I would like to add, eventually when Michael has healed he will find a new love and she might be the true love of his life, we always think our ex was the one, maybe we were wrong and the next one will be the one for real...

After all if it was the love of our life wouldn't we still be together?

Yes I think you re right.they re exes for a reason aren't they? Lol.

You guys are great!!

Thank you very much.

I think it is true that I am healing... slowly... very slowly. I do my first steps back in reality... it will be a long way and I slowly accept it...
Funnily, today my ex called (she called twice last night but I did not answer, because I knew it is her and I did not want to talk to her) and was asking about some stuff that I still have of her and how I want to get it to her.

We had an okay chat. Both stayed calm and somehow polite.

Throughout the conversation I stayed rather calm and cool and only after the conversation I felt funny. Had to cry a bit and called a dear friend to express my emotions. It is strange to have talken to her in this manner since our last meeting was so strange. When she was sooooo cold. Complete opposite to what I experienced last.

Sometimes I feel like I am still stuck in May 2009, maybe just two weeks after the break-up and time or life hasn't proceeded. As if all the events in the past 4 months did not happen... it is still some sort of denial, I guess... nevertheless I am trying hard to concentrate on my personal life and get it back on track. The realisation will kick in one day and probably hit me badly by then, but I will deal with it then.

Sometimes I do have the feeling that I don't miss her, but rather miss me being around her... so actually I miss MYSELF!!

Do you know the movie "Groundhog Day" starring Bill Murray... occasionally I feel like the main character. Stuck in a circle and it is really hard to get out of it. Every day seems so similar...

But I also look at my small steps... small positive steps... and I am trying to forget about that guilt trip of mine... I am trying to accept that I acted the way I did because I did not know better... and so did she... both of us never meant to hurt each other intentionally... it just happened. We were not ready for each other... and maybe not even meant... tiping this is not easy, let me tell you!!

For now, I am getting of my butt and will make the best of this day... no high expectations but rather trying to appreciate each small step...

Catch you later, guys...

Michael

That's good news you re starting to heal now I feel.and you can rebuild your relationship with yourself.
Groundhog day-was watching that the other day.:-)

Wow, just read a threat about stalking...

I definitely do not want to become such a pain, but in the end, I am not doing all the things defined to be a stalker... only thing is that I cannot let go and move on yet, but at least I leave her alone more or less, respect her decision (although I do not realise it yet) and try to get myself in order...

I am relieved to be able to say that about me ;-D...

Looking forward to a chilling evening with friends. Cooking and watchting a movie. It is called "As it is in heaven" - swedish movie. Really recommendable by the way...

Will try and post less in the future... and rather do other things ;-)

Thank you again, guys...

No you re not a stalker!glad you re feeling better-you re watching one of my favourite films-lol swedish Monica

Nice! It's always great to see people getting better.

It is a fantastic movie!! Serious...

Gave me some goose bumps and a few moments of almost crying... it is a MUST-SEE!!

And although the break-up is still hurting badly and will do so for a long time to go (she is a unique person, but not the only one and not for me right now), I see clearer again. I can look at myself and see my issues and am really eager to work at them...

This break-up might be the best thing that happened to me once I am looking back in my life and determine an event that triggered something really positive...

Geeze, I am changing attitude, I am changing perspective and that is part of life, isn't it. It is also some sort of healing already... and healing does not need to happen if you moved on... there are people like me, who start healing before they are capable of letting go and move on... am I right?!

Holy , the partnership gave me so much and we had a great time, but it was time for her to move on since I was no marriage material and not good for her anymore and it was time for me to realise a few things that I need to change and wasn't able to change because I was stuck in my perspective...

I am seriously thankful for the months and years with her... it was no ing wsate of time for me... and maybe in the end, I will gain even more of this than she will...

Anyhow, my day started good. Got up straight after waking up, got my teeth brushed, wrote an important email already and feel energy for the day although I am also sitting her with tears in my eye, missing my ex, but also a little smile thinking about all the good times and appreciating it big time... One day I will close this chapter of my life and start a new one... I just need to write a good ending and then find a good closure :-)...

Guys, I am sad and happy at the same time... it is wonderful... I know I will be back to rock bottom days, but today is good and this is important!!

Cheers and catch you soon,

Michael

Lol :-)

Lol for what?

Glad you doing better bro.

I had the best date of my life last night. I met an amazing woman. I won't talk about it here though. Follow my thread...

Hey guys,

Just an update.

I am clinging back to life. Slowly, very slowly, I do my first steps. Getting more active and trying to fulfil my duties.

I even met a young woman on the train and she gave me an amazing tickly feeling. She was great. Unfortunately she is living in a relationship, but the pure feeling was really good. It showed me that there are also other women than my ex that interest me.

The next morning I was down again though. I am still stuck in this partnership and I fight with myself and my behaviour during the relationship and especially after the break-up. I am trying to move on, but it seems very hard for me since I put her up on this pedestal and it is very hard for anybody to get even close. This will escort me through my life... the knowledge that I had a shot with this wonderful person and somehow blew it. I still do not realise that we are on no-speaking terms and the relationship is on ice...
If you met her, you'd be asking yourself, how I could let her go, seriously...
... but in the end, she let me go and it was time for her to move on... I was not good for her anymore and she had to leave and proceed with her life... she cannot wait for me to get ready for all this... I cannot blame her...

I know that eventually I will have to let go, but something deep inside me stops this process. And it is not healthy at all.

On the other hand, I am realising that I am wasting my time and my life away. Four months since the break-up. This is an amazing long time and people can change their life. It is time for me... to look at reality and accept the fact that I "lost" this wonderful person who gave me so much joy, love, dedication, appreciation and sense into my life.

I still do love her, no matter what happened and I know that by behaving the way I did after the break-up, I tore down the remaining bridges between us, I did not give her any chance but to cut me out of her life. Accepting this behaviour is freaking difficult and I humiliated myself. I destroyed her picture of me and also my own picture of myself.

I look at myself with open eyes and see many things I do not like.

Plenty of has been happening in my past and people tell me that circumstances shape us and make us the people we are. But in the end, it is up to US to determine the outcome... and I am putting myself down here. I am not giving myself a fair chance... I am giving up on myself and that is not fair.

I am a person who can give love to others and do everything needed for them, make them feel special and beautiful. On the other hand, I sometimes cannot see their point of view and act according to my idea of what is best for them and disregard their wishes and needs... so ambivalent...

Additionally as soon as it comes to myself, I am struggling badly. I have it hard to do something good for myself...

Guys, getting over this story will probably take me ages... I am still not realising the consequences of what happened. I am still hoping for a change and that we might find back together and this is - looking at the facts - completely nonsense and unreal. The bridges are burnt and I put them on fire. The gap between us is huge and, honestly, I do not know if we will be able to overcome this gap ever again. Probably not...

Dealing with my own mistakes and letting go is one of my biggest weaknesses, as well as setting new goals, rediscovering my old aims and just continuing with life...

I do make slow progress, but it is time for me to do bigger steps as well...

I think you should stick around here and help others out. You would be amazed at how much offering advice to others in your situation can help your sense of self. We often get caught up too much in our own problems, which is self destructive and most often wasteful.

Yes that's very true kc - its helping most of us posters Id say.Michael you re getting there.one day the pain will be gone.

Yes that's very true kc - its helping most of us posters Id say.Michael you re getting there.one day the pain will be gone.

Yes I believe in that too, by giving advice and sharing your experience with others you heal quicker and you are one step further to meeting the ''right'' person for you.

Every time I spend time with my new girl I discover things about her that she loves, things that my ex hated. For instance, I play with her hair and mess it up and she loves it. My ex would say don't touch my hair your messing it up.

These little things help forget my ex even more. I see my new girl appreciates the simple things.

Do not be afraid to be selective, make sure the next one has a good attitude and is a flexible giver and you won't get hurt.

That's actually great Tando. Now is the time to put all that into practice. Have a great time and take care of yourself but don't jump into another relationship yet. Live your single life for a while. Life is not about finding the "right" one, life is about pursuing your dreams and achieving your goals. Finding a mate shouldn't be in your dreams or in your goals.

Hey guys,

I don't think I will jump into a new relationship. That will take a long time for me to be ready for something new and especially something fair towards the other part. As long as I haven't moved on and let go of my ex, there is no way I can get involved again. I am aware that this may take me a long time, but hey, it is not about mateship, but rather about finding your own way and destiny. I trust that I will get back on track and realise my true purpose... I do not have one currently, But I strongly believe it will return...

My purpose in life turned into being there for my ex... I neglected my duties and became so focused on her, so she was my purpose, my goal and my aim, my center of life. Also some kind of distraction from dealing with myself eventually... some sort of protection system... as long as I can look after someone else, I do not have to look after myself... And as paxe said, a person cannot be your sole and main goal... she can be part of it or escort you there, but never BE the goal.

Usually you always meet someone when you least expect it, don't you? At least that happened to me and my past relationships...

Nevertheless my ex triggered something that I was never capable of telling her... a longing for stability, for routine, for a place I can fully call "home" and she was the person, I felt right to include in this new picture. But I never told her all that and wasn't able to act accordingly either... so strange...

I learnt a lot about myself over the past four months. Many things that simply hurt, because I realised how unsensible I was towards her feelings, her pain, her needs and her problems. It shocked me to realise, how "badly" I treated her and what a negative effect my behaviour had on the partnership and on her. I never meant to hurt her, but still did... At least, I realise and will be able to take a closer look next time...

... but it hurts the most, that before getting to this point, I had to lose this wonderful person and hurt her in the process...

... I do not care about my pain too much, because that is for me, but I care too much about her pain that I inflicted and caused... it is far harder for me to deal with the fact that I hurt her so much emotionally...

Guys, I will try and share my experience with others and advice... I think I have a lot to tell about breaking NC, not letting go, need to move on and concentrate on yorself, forgiving yourself etc... lots of healing to do... personal healing, because in the end, she did what she had to do and I never felt really hurt during the partnership... Only the break-up really hurts and the dissappointment in myself...

Seriously, I do not even know what can make me happy currently. I seldom smile or laugh and if then it is not from my heart...


You really have to stop looking at others to define your happiness, and start looking into the wonderful person you are and once you forgive yourself, you will find happiness again. Take your time, it will happen for you.

Sooo confused it will happen too you too.

Hey guys,

An update:

Last week I got the remaining stuff back to her without meeting her. That was good. Nevertheless, I HAD (be aware irony :-) to write a short email and explain, why I added certain stuff. And then I couldn't stop myself and tell her stuff like... "you are a great woman... you will be contend in your professional and private life... a man who had a shot at you and didn't make it happen simply does not deserve you... I hope your next man will love you right, appreciate you right and bla bla bla..." I even sent it off!! I could beat myself up for such a bloody nonsense!! Damn, I loved her right, I appreciated her right and I even deserved her... don't know why I brownnose with her...

She'll probably read it and think: Not one thing has he learned yet, roll her eyes and be reassured in her opinion...

Only minutes after I sent off the mail, I knew that it was a pure mistake... I make myself small in front of her and I know I don't need to do so... I still did... and I embarrass myself, humiliate myself... How stupid... I was close to hitting my head against the wall - literally...

Anyhow, damage done once again and eventually learned from it... for good... don't ask me why, but I know... and I feel it ;-)...

Otherwise, I had a weekend, feeling down, being home at my Mum's place and received so many reminders. Today, back in my student city, I feel better, more active and actually started to get stuff done, that I need to get done asap. Proud of myself. Even my moods are better. Looking forward to practise tonight.

Today morning I was sitting in front of my laptop, worked a bit and suddenly a very happy feeling overcame me... I started to smile at myself and was somehow proud that I managed to sit down and get something productive done... and then I even shed some tears of happiness but also sadness... mixed emotions... but it was really good...

And then a little but somehow important "success story" about "NC".
In the afternoon I received an email from my ex. It's about cancelling the shared account she was still using. Forgot about it. She assumed we have to do that together and I thought "$hit... I do have to meet her again..." really do not want to... I want to get away from her eventually. The message pushed down my moods, but this time, I was able to pull myself together and keep a cool head. So I went to the branch and asked for options. I collected a form, signed it and will drop it in her postbox. This way I will not have to see her... write a short email stating "check your post box please" and then this is done...

Sometimes I even realise that I do not miss her anymore... I am living by myself now and she is gone... so the only pain is coming from within... from my heart and head... and it is me who is causing this pain... and if I am careful enough, I can control it, if I dare ;-).

Okay, so much from me... On Wednesday I will be away from here for another 8 days... looking forward to it... planning to get work done, do sports (running and badminton), meet dear people and also relax a bit... will be a good time, I am sure...

Should've done that long ago... had four f... ing months, but my weak mind and trouble stopped me... this time I do have the feeling, something clicked within me and I am ready to rock'n'roll...

... and I even listened to your advice and I try to assist others with my personal story. I hope it will help and I actually feel good about it... Trying to prevent others to endure the same pain and do the same bloody mistakes I did!!

Damm bro, you've been doing almost as good as me when I started NC. You have a lot of courage.
Actually you are the perfect example of what people should be doing, study, work out, being sociable, going out... and feeling better about yourself. Don't forget there is tons of girls out there, but now you have to concentrate on yourself.

paxe... if you read the whole threat, then you'll realise that I am the best example how NOT to do it in the first place... it took me a long time to get to this point... bloody four months... and I am planning to do work... planning to do sports and planning to socialise... don't know how to get it done yet... and if I succeed... but it did the first steps...

The past four months I actually wasted away in my self-pity, didn't leave my room some days and only distracted myself online with movies and series (watched all 8 seasons of Scrubs for example)... only in the last two weeks... slowly but surely I start getting better... I am flipping not a good example... only now I start to do the right thing that I should've done in the first place...

... and I am not worried about girls... I try and meet some, but with no serious intentions... just clean fun... it is about me and my future and career now... I have to put myself first and then I will see...

Actually I read about it but I forgot a bit. What I meant is that you show a lot of positive signs and that's actually great. But you are right 4 month is a long time, time to take care of yourself and heal. Don't start slowly sport and socializing. You should do it everyday. It's quite normal you have been in pain, you haven't taken care of yourself.

In 3 month after my ex broke up with me, I lost 22 pounds and I have never been in that great of shape before. Don't think about it, just train and exercise. Every day you will feel better.

Paxe... if you read the whole threat, then you'll realize that I am the best example how NOT to do it in the first place...

I see you as a perfect example of realizing your mistakes, learning from them, and making the right adjustments for yourself.

Thank you tal... That means a lot to me!!

Seriously... I still have a long way to go... but at least I started eventually...

I've not only lost a partner, I also lost myself... which is far more important... but the outcome will be much greater than my recent partnership and lifestyle... and with my new knowledge I might be able to prevent more painful events in my life... for myself and others!!

... it will be hard work, painful but rewarding, and slowly but surely I am ready to take on the battle...

... for that I am proud of myself... first signs of improvement are present... and I am glad and happy :-)...

Hi Tando,

I read your whole thread, it took me awhile but it was worth it. I have experienced that same feelings of self loss, sadness, pain, doubt, resent, specially on letting go of our mistakes and of our once loved ones. While reading your post I noticed you did really good with NC and after the break up you were a good ex. There was this part I read when you talked badly about your ex with friends, but I am sure you were not as mean as I was with my ex I really really fu** up and still feel horrible. I told him horrible things and I told him I was really sorry for everything. We met once after almost 6 months, It was big mistake though because I was still feeling like crap and I still wanted him back so much, but he didn't he, told me that after all the fu** up stuff I told him , he don't think he could love me again. And man... that was so tough to hear, If I was feeling depressed before, after that I was a wreck. I made such a huge mistake and I still feel so bad and I still don't know what to do to make this feeling of guilt go away, its just so hard to let go.