Hey all,

You've probably heard it all before, just want a little advice.

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. About 2 months ago, we became long distance (and hour and a half drive).

She's been really busy with school, and it's been hard for her to fit time in to come and visit me. I think she has started to view visiting me as a pressure rather than something she wants to do because of this.

I spoke to her 2 days ago, and I knew something was wrong. She didn't want to tell me, but eventually she did, she was very emotional and started crying. She told me that she just doesn't know if she feels the same anymore, but she needed to come see me in person to talk about it.

I was shocked, to me, this came out of nowhere.

She got here that night, and basically told me that in the last few weeks she had started viewing me less and less as a boyfriend and more as a friend. She said it didn't feel awkward or strange to kiss or embrace me, it just didn't feel the same anymore. I told her I was sorry if anything I had done made her feel this way, and that I understand how busy she has been lately and I was probably adding pressure to her already busy life. She told me she wrote a 6 page letter to tell me about her feelings, but she decided not to give it to me, because seeing me in person had changed her mind. I suggested that maybe we should take some time apart, so that she has time to evaluate what she wants and wouldn't have to feel obligated to come and visit me. She agreed. Everything seemed back to normal, she spent the night, I kissed her goodbye the next morning.

Yesterday morning, after getting home I receive a text, "what do you feel when you kiss me?" I of course knew where this was going. I called her and she told me that it just wasn't the same for her, but she hasn't completely lost interest in me, and she wants to try and make it work. That maybe the time apart will help her decide if she wants to be with me or not. Of course, I'm heartbroken, couldn't sleep at all last night, it will be hard today at work.

I sucked it up, and called her. I told her how I felt. That no matter what she decides, I will accept her decision and still be there for her as a friend if she decides not to be with me. I told her that I only want her to be happy. She thanked me and told me it meant a lot to her that I was understanding and not angry with her. I told her that I wouldn't be calling or texting as much, to give her some space.

My question is, when she texts me or calls me, do I respond or answer? She always texts me good morning or goodnight. Do I just ignore these texts? I don't want to come across as being a jerk, but I do want to give her time to miss me.

I've already accepted this break as a break up. Though she said she does not want me to date anyone else, and she of course will not either (I believe her). But I need to start to prepare myself for what could likely happen. I do have hope, because it was she that suggested she wanted to try and work things out.

Advice anyone?

Hey...

As a woman, I'd say respond to her when she contacts you. She'll still be able to miss you if you only talk when she initiates. Don't send texts or call regarding how much you miss her and want to get back together, etc. Let her reach out to you. I hope everything works out for you. I've recently gone through the same thing. My boyfriend came out of the blue and told me that he's just not sure if he loves me in the same way anymore. It was a complete shock to me. It's now been a month and a half and he calls me once in a while and texts me here and there. He said that he could just break up with me and not talk to me anymore... but he doesn't want to do that. I find it all confusing.

Personally, after being down this road. I wouldn't respond. She wanted space, then going to text you? It's like keeping you on a hook in case nothing better is out there. Ignore her texts or simply tell her for the time being, please do not text me so we can give each other space.

You said you want her to miss you, so I take it you are strategically planning to get her back? I don't think that is a good idea. If she loves you, let her come back on her own.

From how I see it, her feelings have changed and I don't see things getting back to how it was, although if she does contact you, respond in a short manner to see what she wants. If she doesn't say she wants to get back or want to talk casually just say you have to go.

But I strongly recommend you move on with your life and don't wait for her to come around because she might never.

Talaniman Rule- If a female doesn't know how she feels about you, leave her alone, and get on with a life that you enjoy.

Read my signature, and make up your own mind, whether or not you want to run head first into this brick wall or not. Just me I vanish for a (long) while, and do my own thing. Avoid her confusion, and head games.

Tal is right!

You might have thought this break came from nowhere but she been debating and dreading it over and over in head until she got the courage to tell you.

Why should you talk to her whenever she feels like it? She made her decision and she can't have it both it ways. Some how I think she wants you to stick around while she goes exploring and if she doesn't find what she is looking for she knows she will have you. You're her lifeboat.

As a woman, I believe that once someone asked for space you deal with it and give them what they ask for. Move on because life goes on. Break are usually permanent and you already realize that and is adjusting to it.

You don't have to talk to her nor be her friend because your going through the motions too and need to heal. Talking to her will only leave you stuck.

So get out there and have fun!

Do not contact her. Do not Contact her. Do not contact her. She has to really believe that she is going to lose you to realize how important you are to her. Right now she knows that if she snaps her fingers, you will come back to her. She knows that she has the power and that she has not lost you. She has to realize that you aren't needy and do not need her in your life. Then, she will realize just how great you were and suddenly she might panic and come back to you.

I'm good not contacting, because I'm not needy. I just don't know what to do when she initiates, because it's not like we're upset at each other. She may take my ignoring her texts as being angry, which I'm not, just sad.

Don't focus her reaction to your not responding to her texts. This is what she asked for and she has to respect your feelings too.

Thanks for all the suggestions guys.

One more question, when I talked to her the other night, she told me that she doesn't want to see other people and doesn't want me to see other people until we decide what we want from the break. Now, I didn't ask her if she wanted to see other people or not, she came out and said this to me. So while I'm trying to move on, do I need to act as if I'm in a relationship and not meet other people?

What she is doing is making you her safety net.

You guys are not together anymore. You should feel free to see other people if you wish - don't let her words hold you back.

I'm just going to use this thread as a little venting place for myself, I hope that's not against the TOS?

Anyhow, tried going out with some friends last night to get my mind off things. I was happy for the first 5 minutes, then just wanted to go home.

Couldn't sleep at all last night, I'm sure you all know the feeling, knots in my stomach, depressed, anxiety, etc.

It's my birthday today, and it will officially be the worst birthday I can remember. Both of my roommates left on trips for over a month, and I just got dumped. I feel so alone.

Haven't gotten a birthday text or call from her yet, though I'm pretty sure she will, because she's a really sweet person. I just don't know how I'm going to respond..

She said she still wanted to come visit me on my birthday, but I told her it wouldn't be a good idea for the both of us.

If she does come and visit (without telling me), how am I supposed to act? I know I might be stressing for nothing because she likely will not come. But if she does, do I act disconnected? And if I do, would that make things worse? If she's in the deciding phase right now, and her last physical memory of me is treating her like a 'friend' wouldn't that really push her in that direction? On the same token, if we just act like nothing happened, that could make things worse for me. It's only been two nights so far, but they've been really rough, and being alone for the next month is really not going to help any...

Happy Birthday man! My last birthday was AWFUL. Get it together man! Be happy.

I be the second person to say "Happy Birthday".

If she come over don't let her in. It will only make you feel 10x worst. You can make the best of your birthday alone, I did a few times. Watch some movies,or pump some music.

Also, you can always come on here to vent.

Thanks guys, she just called to say happy birthday, we kept it short. So sad, just 3 days ago I was holding her, now... nothing :(

Your still in shock, the grieving will start soon.

Yeah, I agree with Tal. As unhappy as you are now, it will get worse before it gets better. If she does try to see you, I would be very polite and continue talking as you always did--make her remember how great it was to be with you and to be held by you, your natural smell, etc. But don't give her too much... make her leave wanting more. Keep it short and you should be the one to end the conversation. Just my thoughts... and likely what I will do when my ex comes to visit me.

Well she won't be coming tonight. She just called and asked if she could, and I said if we are really going to give this a chance at working, it's best if she didn't. So we decided to celebrate another day when things are better. Think I'm going to leave work now, I can't concentrate. I keep going over the what if's and if onlys.

Threads merged and edited


Hey all,

It's been just about 3 months now since I moved (1.5 hours away). We had been doing fine, seeing each other once a week on the weekends, she felt great about having her own space. Then, 4 days ago, she broke down emotionally to me and told me she didn't know how she felt about things. She was unsure about us, she didn't feel the same about me anymore and started viewing me more as a friend. She told me she still wanted to make things work, and we decided that maybe some time apart would help her decide.

So after just a couple of days, I got a call from her step dad. She had a severe anxiety/panic attack. At this point, I didn't care about the space, and I called her.

She has been going through a lot emotionally this month. She was 2 weeks late on her period, she's having problems getting loans for school, finals, and then had an anxiety attack. She has been holding all of her issues inside and hasn't really grieved or dealt with them yet. She told me that nobody understood her, and it was hard to talk to anybody about her ex. Here's the problem. She feels like I'm the only one who understands, and that I'm the only one she can talk to about it. But she doesn't, and she doesn't want to because she feels it might make her view me completely as a friend, and she want's to be with me.

I told her I would come over if she wanted, but it was her decision. She had a hard time deciding, because she knew the space would be better for our relationship, but at the same time she was hurting, crying all day. We eventually decided I should go over, and keep it light hearted, just to help cheer her up a little.

So now what? How do I go about this situation? I know there is no right or wrong answer, but hearing some suggestions would really help.

At this point, we've decided to really start the break, so that she can have time to decide what she wants. I told her to take as much time as she needs, I don't want her to have any more pressure or stress in her life. I don't think the NC thing is right for this situation, because she really needs somebody right now, and she feels that I'm the only one she can turn to. At the same time, she and I both want this to work, because we see a future together, but not giving her true space could end us.

Should I continue talking to her and just take a physical break? Or do I really need to give her a NC break to let her decide what she wants?

I feel like maybe she needs to deal with these issues before she can even start to think about us. Maybe that's why she's confused about her feelings for me. How can she possibly think straight with all of this going on in her mind? Sure, I've thought about just being her friend through all of this, and I've told her this as well. But she and I both don't want to lose each other romantically because we've grown so close through all of this.

I'm sorry this has turned into such a ramble, this is just such a complex situation, any advice or words are appreciated... thanks!

I would just give her all the space she needs right now and wait for her to talk to you.. if you don't hear from her for a week or so you can probably check up on her but other than that I wouldn't

Well first of all, it sounds like you are a really good guy. In my opinion, I think she needs to get herself sorted out before she can have a true loving relationship. It sounds like she has been through A LOT since you have been with her. She needs to talk to a counselor to get her feelings out there. I don't think it is the best idea for you to talk to her about her past relationship if you still want to be romantically involved with her. She needs to talk to a 3rd party who is not in the situation.

I don't think that complete NC is the way to go however. But you don't want to bombard her. So cut back dramatically on the contact you have with her, but make sure she knows you are still there for her.

Thanks for the advice. She has been seeing a therapist, and she says it helps a little. But it's times like these that just break my heart. I can only tell her, I'll be there for you and it will get better so many times before I feel useless.. :(

Is she still seeing a therapist?

She have a lot to deal with. Her ex passing, giving a child away, school loans, etc.

She needs closure from her ex and a griefing counseling would help. Then the adoption. The only I can say is wow!

You're a good person for trying to be there but the load she's carrying is heavy and too heavy for her. I hope she is seeing a professional.

Btw, if she isn't pregnant her period could be late due to stress because she is stressed.

Yes, she's still seeing a therapist, and I hope it helps her.

If I do cut back on the contact, how do I go about telling her this? I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her in her time of need, but I also want this to work.

I think your to emotionally involved to help her, since you can't just be a friend, and put your feelings aside.

Being a friend is about giving with the possibility of nothing in return, and if you can't do that, then better to leave her alone, and get some real help for her issues.

That's why I think your better off leaving her alone, as generally, when the patient is cured, the doctor is no longer needed, and thats what may happen here to you.

I will tell you this though, when the going gets tough, healthy couples deal with it together, and not look for breaks, but support each other through the tough times. That's not what she is doing, or you for that matter.

At this time the goal is for you both to be healthy, and really pushing her is not good as far as the relationship goes.

It's a tough decision that has to have a lot of thought behind it. Now you know why I tell people to disappear when there is a break up, and avoid the extra drama by making the break clean with No Contact, because truth be told, she will get through this without you.

Does she have any family members to help her through this?

With all the battles she is having her recovery might take months if not years.

I agree with Tal and think you need to detach yourself from this situation.

Her family isn't much of a help in this situation. Her mom just tells her to get over her ex, because, quite frankly, he was not a very good guy (abusive, liar, cheater, etc). Which is why she turns to me, because I never tell her to just get over him. I understand that she was deeply in love with him, and had his child. Her father is a whole situation in it's own. Right when she left for college, her mom revealed to her that her father had been scamming the government, and had essentially ruined her credit by opening credit cards under her name with forged signatures. Her dad and mom have been in court for over a year because her ahole father keeps appealing and refuses to pay a cent to help any of his children. He didn't even call her or bother trying to see her when she was pregnant, he actually told her that she should try getting money out of the adoptive parents. He's essentially the worst father I've ever heard of.

There are so many underlying problems with my girlfriend. Her therapist actually recommended that she be single to work this all out, until she told her that I represent happiness and hope in her life.

I am willing to lose her if I ultimately help her through this. But she doesn't want to talk about it with me, which is a good sign I guess because it means she doesn't want to view me as a friend right?

What I wonder is, could all of this in her life be what's causing her confusion and loss of feelings for me? Because if that's it, I will definitely stick it out with her until she's ready.

But, if her loss of feelings are completely unrelated and are just her feelings for me, then I'll just be her friend and let her go.

I asked her, but she has no idea, I mean, how could she have any idea right now?

I wish she would work this out with me, but some things need to be worked out alone right?

I'm so torn between just telling her let's just be friends so I can be there for her, and actually giving her space, NC, and getting back together with her...

I will tell you this though, when the going gets tough, healthy couples deal with it together, and not look for breaks, but support each other thru the tough times. Thats not what she is doing, or you for that matter.

At this time the goal is for you both to be healthy, and really pushing her is not good as far as the relationship goes.


She comes to me for every other issue but this one. Including her father. I mean, I was the only one she allowed to be with her in the hospital. I stayed with her and her daughter for three nights in the hospital, and when we left she only wanted to be with me (I quit my job because they wouldn't give me time off to be with her, and she said she needed me).

I'm not saying that to try and say I'm such a good person or anything, I'm just trying to say that we do work things out together, but this just might be different. Like I was saying, she feels like talking to me about her dead ex boyfriend might make her view me as a friend, and why wouldn't it?

How do you mean pushing her? Thanks for your responses, I really really appreciate it. This forum is like my own personal therapy...

With all the battles she is having her recovery might take months if not years.


Yeah, I knew this when I first got into it. And at this point, I'm willing to wait years if that's how long it takes.

donttouchthat;1793448, She comes to me for every other issue but this one. Including her father. I mean, I was the only one she allowed to be with her in the hospital. I stayed with her and her daughter for three nights in the hospital,
I may be harsh, but I will be honest. You have become a crutch, and that in the long run helps no one, only delays the inevitable. You want to be supportive, but she isn't dealing with her issues in an honest way. Matter of fact she is isolating herself, and making you the focus she depends on, and that is dependency, not friendship or caring, given she has a therapist, and family.

and when we left she only wanted to be with me (I quit my job because they wouldn't give me time off to be with her, and she said she needed me).
That's a red flag my friend, and way too much for her, and not enough of you handling your own business. In the long run, that will be most difficult for you as well as her.

I'm not saying that to try and say I'm such a good person or anything,
Your following your heart, I understand that, but with out the brain to temper your responses, you will become impulsive and driven by feelings and not just facts.

I'm just trying to say that we do work things out together, but this just might be different
That won't happen, not with two people who are motivated by feelings and circumstances, and not FACTS.

Like I was saying, she feels like talking to me about her dead ex boyfriend might make her view me as a friend, and why wouldn't it?
Ever ask yourself why she doesn't have a girlfriend for those vents? Normal females do!

How do you mean pushing her?
As in you want her back in a relationship, even though the facts say she isn't ready for that, and may never be, and chances are when she is, it won't be with you.

Her therapist actually recommended that she be single to work this all out,
So do I as she needs to deal with her own issues in a positive way to grow and learn for herself, by herself, without emotional dist actions, or a crutch that is well intentioned but can't help solve her issues for her.

until she told her that I represent happiness and hope in her life.

Red flag when you don't even consider the advice of those you ask for help, and understanding, and that goes for you both.

Yeah, I knew this when I first got into it. And at this point, I'm willing to wait years if that's how long it takes.

How come she is the one who gets to decide? You have done so much for this girl and she don't know how she feels. I'm a women and haven't seen to many men put up with issues like this one. You must really care about her! You one of the few good guy's.

From an experience my daughter just went through the last 12 months, I will tell you one thing, she will keep up with this I'm not sure how I feel for ever or until she finds someone else, then it will be you are more like a brother to me than a boy friend.

You need to know there are many women who would treat you like you are treating her, if they could find a guy like you.

Please tell her not to call or text you until she is sure how she feels, and maybe by that time you might feel different about her.

She is keeping you feeling bad for her, so you will be there when she wants you. She might be going through a hard time, there are a lot of girls who go through worse things than she is going through, and know if they love someone or not. Don't keep being the big brother, you are the one who is going to be hurting next.

You need to think of a few things, is this going to be the life you have forever if you two stay together? (drama)
Can you just be a friend and not care if she finds a new guy and will introduce you as her (friend).
She will OK, there are medications for stress, anxity, break downs etc. there are a lot of girls who keep guys hanging for years.

And are you sure she's not telling someone else the same story?

You must really love her, she is a lucky girl! I hope for your sake she feels the same way, good luck, hope it works out for you.

Yeah, I definitely love her. I'm sure there's nobody else (that she's telling the same thing to).

Thanks for all the advice. I really hope she doesn't just view me as a crutch. I hate to make it seem like I'm the one doing all the giving, because she's really done a lot for me too.

You know what, you all are right.

I've realized something. The whole time I've been dating her, I haven't really been thinking about myself and my well being. I've just done anything I could to help her because she was in pain. Not that I was the only one doing the giving, because that is far from the truth. But at this point in time, I'm just being there for her while she figures out what she wants to do, and it's killing me.

I'm going to tell her that I need NC. It's not fair that she gets to figure out her feelings, knowing that I'm just always going to be there no matter what. It hurts me too much. I haven't gotten a decent sleep this whole week, I've lost 10lbs because I can't eat. This is really affecting me, and it's not fair to me.

The fact that she wrote me a 6 page letter to break up with me (decided not to give it to me after seeing me in person) shows that she was sure she wanted us to end at some point. Then she flip flopped when she saw me. Who's to say that she won't just flip flop again?

I think I've been kidding myself thinking that this is all related to her issues, and her judgment is clouded by stress etc. But really, as people have said here, people are under a lot of stress and still know if they want to be with someone. Am I right?

Now, maybe she will want to be with me someday, maybe this NC will make her realize how important I am to her, maybe it will make her appreciate me more. But maybe not. And should she tell me that she doesn't want anything months down the road, I will be back to square one with a broken heart.

I'm going to tell her all of this, because she has been open and honest with me. She told me straight up, she doesn't feel the same, and needs to tell me that because she doesn't want to string me along. Yes, she also said she wants to try and work it out, but facts are facts, she does not feel the same.

If we are ever to be friends, true friends, later down the line, I need to be over her romantically. And I'm not. Should she decide after NC that she wants to be with me, then fine. But if I've lost interest in the process, then it's her fault for putting me on a break, not mine. I need this time to heal.

Should I tell her before I start the NC, or should I just go NC and tell her later? Should I e-mail? Text? Call her? (to tell her that is)

Thanks everyone, it's nice to have somewhere to express my feelings, because I myself don't have anyone I can talk to about my issues.

You're thinking is still influenced by emotions that blinded your judgement. You need to do what is best for you, not her. Simply disappear from her life without a trace and get yours back on track. She wants what is best for her and if you want what is best for her too, than where does that leave you? Simply, NC is not used to get her back and you do not owe her anything. So no text, call, I'm, letter or anything, just disappear.

You seem to be coming to the realization of looking out for yourself, and seeing her in a more realistic light. I applaud that in you.



Should I tell her before I start the NC, or should I just go NC and tell her later? Should I e-mail? Text? Call her? (to tell her that is)


You don't have to do anything, but if SHE initiates contact by whatever means you tell her what you told us, and then go back to NC, and disappear from her life, until you have healed and gotten over any romantic notions with her.

If a 1.5 hour drive is enough to break you two up, then I'd say your relationship was more out of convenience than true love. Of course I might be missing something somewhere. It doesn't sound like you two are on a break, so I would think you should continue with normal communications, whatever that was.

There were times when I had questioned my relationship and needed a break from my boyfriend. He always gave me all the time I needed. I asked him once, why does he always just let me walk out the door with no questions asked. He said it's because he knows I'll be back. And he's right. I realized that even when I'm frustrated, stressed, confused and going crazy, I'd rather be with him than away from him.

She just texted me, and I responded back that I don't think we should talk anymore.

She is shocked, and wants to call me to ask why. Hope I can say everything correctly, it's a lot harder to do over the phone then writing it out on here...

How about don't do it at all and just disappear?

I feel like I just want to give her an explanation and be done with it. Then I won't feel bad about it later.

I feel like I just want to give her an explanation and be done with it. Then I won't feel bad about it later.

If that brings you closure, do it.

Just don't get trapped and keep going in circles. Im afraid that talking to her, will stir up emotions and you ll be back to square one.

Talked briefly, she's at a party and we both decided it wasn't the place and time for her to discuss something like this.


But in short:

Me: I don't think it would be a good idea if we talked anymore..
Her: Ever?
Me: Until I'm completely over you and am okay with the idea of you dating other people..


Then it went into the fact that I appreciate her telling me she wants to try, but I felt that she knew she wanted to break up with me because of the letter, etc. I then said that I think she just feels bad about everything which is why she says she wants to give it a try. And that it's okay, because I'll just move on from here, we don't need to try if it's done.

She then said she genuinely wants to try and make it work, she just doesn't know how she feels right now.

Yes, a set back. Could she be right that she really wants to make it work? I think she does. Is it worth it to try? If we really are going to try, how do we go about it?

You see, the thing about our first "break" was that it wasn't really a break. I mean it wasn't like we were briefly breaking up to re-evaluate things, see other people, etc. We decided to just take some time apart from seeing each other, and cut back a little on the talking to see if it helped her. Is that different? *sigh*

Sorry to say this but I think she is just trying to let you down slowly so she don't feel like she is hurting you. You both need to go to counseling alone,then see how you feel.
I had a friend just go through this with his ex-wife. He ended up going crazy and having to be put on medication, all because she said one thing one day didn't say anything for 2 or 3 days, then acted like she wanted it to work another day, then asked for a devorce, no reason, just wasn't happy. After the devorce was done and over she started calling him when the lawn needed mowed, she would call if there wasn't anyone else to talk to, all along she had been seeing several different men. He was very broke up but still had hope they could be together. Now he knows and has moved on with his like and is happier than he has ever been. Good luck!

Yeah, I agree with you.

The sad thing about break ups, to me at least. Is that when someone loses interest in you, it's not just the relationship they lose interest in, it's you as a person.

How does that happen? How do you feel like someone's best friend one moment, and then feel like you annoy them the next?

I can see in most cases, being annoyed by someone trying to win them back. But man, I have been nothing but understanding through this. I haven't initiated contact a single time since she told me she needed space. I don't question her, I don't tell her I want her back, I don't tell her I need this to work, I've pretty much told her that I'll be there as a friend if she needs me. I guess I'm getting to the "anger" part of it. Partly because I feel like I really don't deserve to be treated like this (even as a friend).

Yeah, I agree with you.

The sad thing about break ups, to me at least. Is that when someone loses interest in you, it's not just the relationship they lose interest in, it's you as a person.

How does that happen? How do you feel like someones best friend one moment, and then feel like you annoy them the next?

I can see in most cases, being annoyed by someone trying to win them back. But man, I have been nothing but understanding through this. I haven't initiated contact a single time since she told me she needed space. I don't question her, I don't tell her I want her back, I don't tell her I need this to work, I've pretty much told her that I'll be there as a friend if she needs me. I guess I'm getting to the "anger" part of it. Partly because I feel like I really don't deserve to be treated like this (even as a friend).

You don't deserve it, you deserve to be treated like a king in my eyes, or as an equal like you would or have treated her. Don't run to her the next few times she calls or needs some one to talk to. Maybe she will she what she is missing, maybe you will she what your not missing. Good luck

You have many friends in life, that come and go, for various reasons of their own. Be nice to have someone every day that you can count on. We all want that. Those who have it know that if it survives the tests of time, and what life throws at you, then you have it.

Until then, learn to enjoy what you have, and the memories of what you had, but keep living your life, and love yourself no matter what you go through.