HI there,

My boyfriend and I have dated for almost three years. In October last year he broke up with me because we had some insecurity issues and we were fighting too much. We didn't talk for a month. He came back a month later admitting that he regretted letting us go and wanted to try again. There is no doubt that I love him, so I gave us another chance. It has been sooo good between us since then, we don't fight, we can spend days a part and we can respect our time apart. One of the reasons that we fought from the beginning was because we spent way too much time together . The relationship has taken a 360 for the better,however; I work with this guy who I think is so attractive, and we are so similar. I feel this chemistry when we speak and I think I like him. I only see him once a week or sometimes less, but I have been spending time thinking about him. I'm not just sexually attracted to him, Im intellectually attracted to him. We share so many similarities and the biggest is that we are both in school to teach English. That is so attractive for me. I do love my boyfriend and I don't want to ruin what we have going but I spend a lot of time thinking about my co worker.:eek:

I think it's possible to have an attraction/infatuation with someone else if in a relationship. We can't help the way we feel about some things , but we can choose how we act upon them. Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side but aren't.

Therefore just make sure you don't cross the boundaries and get caught emotionally cheating on your BF.

So u want your cake an eat it to huh?

Well lets look at everything in perspective shall we...

You had some ups an downs with your boyfriend at the beginning, you broke up, got back together because you love each other and now everything is much, much better with him and now you want to throw it all away on some attraction you have with a co-worker you like...

... Are u NUTS?

You've got a good thing, then stick to it or get out of it before you start hurting peoples feelings.

I have heaps of people I'm attracted to, who make me laugh, feel good about myself and we have so much in common, but I would never over step the bounds with any of them if I was in a relationship... and neither should you.

Because what type of person would you be if you did... not a very nice one.

I agree with you and that is why I haven't put myself in the position where that boundary would be crossed. But I think about him very much, and I look forward to working with him. He told me that he really likes me and that he would never cross the line and try anything because he has respect for me and my boyfriend he would want me to end my relationship first. I respect him so much for that and it makes him that much more attractive. I have tried to just stop thinking about him and concentrating on my boyfriend and our but its difficult to not think about him. Do I want him because I lack something in my relationship? I mean I shouldn't be thinking about my co worker as much as I do. Im so confused?

Don't cheat on your boyfriend. If you decide you want to be with your co-worker, it is best to let your boyfriend know before acting upon it. You can only have one of them.

I won't cheat on him. That's another thing... My boyfriend parents are going through a dirty divorce at the moment and it is taking a huge hold on him. I couldn't do this to him right now, I feel like my feelings are on hold a little bit because I have to remain strong for him.

Its only natural to have the feelings u have, everybody has them... but not everybody acts on them... the ones that do r called cheating a**holes and usually end up on some obscure reality TV show like "Cheaters" for the whole world to see... and we don't want that now do we?

Maybe u should write a list with 2 columns in it, one for what your boyfriend brings to the table an one for what the other guy can, and see what one is larger.

Because at the end of the day, we can't tell u what to do... that decision is yours alone, and yes it will be hard and someone will get hurt no matter what u decide.

... you just need to make the right choice for you.

It is a lose/lose situation. I do need to make the right choice for me. I don't plan to cheat on him, I'm not a coward but if I keep falling for this guy then I'll tell my BF that Im confused and I need a break.I don't think I would tell him its over another guy.

What if I just want to be friends with my co worker. He is such a good person and I don't want to lose his frindship just because we can't be together. Is it wrong if we just hang out as friends even thogh my boyfriend doesn't know. I won't cheat on him I just like hanging out with my co worker.

It's fine if you feel you can be JUST friends.

However you seem to have already developed feelings for him so maybe your trying to trick yourself into thinking you can.

You're playing with matches young lady. You have to ask yourself what is important to you.
You can forget this guy, or you can be honest with your boy friend and then explore your feelings for this guy. But don't lie to yourself by saying you'll just try being friends. You will dig yourself into a deeper hole.

You're righ, I have developed feelings for him, however I don't want to jerpordize my relationship I have worked so hard for. I really do like my co worker but I want to believe that it is simply a crush and everybody has them.

Why must I tell why boy friend that I want to explore a new interest in a guy. If I feel the need to be with my co worker I would just want to tell my boyfriend that I overwhlmed and need a little break. I don't want to put him through something that is clearly my problem. I really do want to explore with my co worker though.

Then you need to leave this guy alone, stay away from him and focus on your relationship with your boyfriend.
It could be a crush it could be something more, but you have to be honest with yourself and be honest with your boyfriend.
Don't play around with matches they can ignite and you could get burned.

What you feel for your co-worker is lust and infatuation. What you feel for your boyfriend is love. Infatuation is fleeting and goes away quickly, love on the other hand can stay with you forever. Love can grow bigger as time goes by, infatuation only grows smaller until it burns out all together. Hope this helps!

Hanging out with your co-worker that you really like and not telling your boyfriend... hmmmmm... sounds like cheating to me, sorry but it does.
Here's an example why: "You go out and have a friendly lunch at a coffee shop with this co-worker, nothing involved, you chat, you laugh, then you come home"

"Your boyfriend says how was your day, and you say great...and then he says so what did you do?"

"And you reply, not much just did a bit of shopping, that's about it"

"And then he says, so nothing else?"

"And you say nope"

"Then he says, well that's strange because I just received a phone call from one of my friends saying he saw you and some guy at some coffee shop together having a good time....care to explain that"

So you see, from a little thing can come dire results and small lies at the beginning can end in even bigger lies later on.
Look no one here can tell you what to do, it's your life... see we all have this thing called "free will", it lets use choose what we want to do in life, be it good choices or really stupid ones.

So if you have to sneak behind your boyfriends back an not tell him about this and have little meetings with this guy because he makes you feel good... then guess what choice your making. ;)

Why must I tell y boy friend that I want to explore a new interest in a guy. If I feel the need to be with my co worker I would just want to tell my bf that I overwhelmed and need a little break. I dont want to put him through something that is clearly my problem. I really do want to explore with my co worker tho.
Why must you tell him the truth? Because it is the right and mature thing to do.
Would you like your boyfriend to feed you that line knowing he is doing it to check out another girl? I would think not.
If you lie to him to explore your feelings for another guy, it is not just your problem, he is in the middle and needs to know.

You guys are so right. Thank you! Love does last forever and lust just a little while. But Isay I just want to explore my intrests in this guy after I tell my boyfriend of course that we need a break. He felt this way in October when he broke up with me and maybe now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and pressuredt and because I'm having feelings for my co worker maybe I should. What if him and I are meant to be. I mean my boyfriend is a great guy but he doesn't like to go really anywhere he such a home body and I love to be social and go to gatherings and weddings, or something even as simple as visiting my Dad and having dinner. My boyfriend would rather play hockey or sit at home and watch the ball game, my co worker I know would love to do those things with.He's not even my type. I have just never felt like this before, can one person fall in love while being in love?

I can't tell him that, it would kill him plus what if I realize that my boyfriend is the right one for me and that my co worker isn't. Isn't it better I do this now that I'm not engaged or married. Isn't now the time to do this

You guys are so right. Thank you! Love does last forever and lust just a little while. But Isay I just want to explore my intrests in this guy after I tell my bf of course that we need a break. He felt this way in October when he broke up with me and maybe now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and pressuredt and because I'm having feelings for my co worker maybe I should. What if him and I are meant to be. I mean my bf is a great guy but he doesn't like to go really anywhere he such a home body and I love to be social and go to gatherings and weddings, or something even as simple as visiting my Dad and having dinner. My bf would rather play hockey or sit at home and watch the ball game, my co worker I know would love to do those things with.He's not even my type. I have just never felt like this before, can one person fall in love while being in love?

You want to play the field and that's fine just do it the right way and don't cheat on the poor guy. If your BF now is the one your supposed to be with it will happen. I was madly in love with my girl but circumstances tore us apart, five years without seeing each other or talking to each other, we saw one another and all the feelings came flooding back and now we have been together for almost four years and married for two! You just never know!:D

Honesty is the key. You want both and that you can't have. You will have to come clean with your boyfriend and tell him you want to explore other possibilities, not tell him you need a break and keep him hanging. If you love him as you claim, you will tell him the truth because God dammit he does whether you like it or not.

If I tell him the truth then he will not ever want me back. :mad:

If I tell him the truth then he will not ever want me back. :mad:

Than you are being selfish don't you think?

There is no selfishness in love.

Ultimately it has to be one or the other and the other deserves to know the complete truth instead of being kept in the dark.

If I tell him the truth then he will not ever want me back. :mad:

My current wife had me and another guy going after her the first time around. SHE CHOSE HIM! She later told me she chose him because he was older than me and settled and had a good job and she thought that she had to give her kids some security. None of that mattered when I saw her again so many years later! I thought I had lost her forever but now I hold her in my arms every night and wake up to her smile everyday! Life will surprise you! :D

I don't see what good can come of this confusion, for any of the parties involved, or to be involved in some 'capacity'.

After making the commitment to your boyfriend, and having had the courage to try again, and have some success, it is still not enough in my opinion, to take the last step, and fully commit to him.

The co-worker that you are attracted to is what it is. You are attracted to him, and perhaps nature is telling you simply that you are not ready to settle down with one person.

I would agree that it is important for you to recognize that while you are having what is essentially second thoughts about your relationship with your boyfriend, you owe it to him to tell him you are not as ready as you thought to have a serious, long term relationship.

You have done nothing wrong. You don't owe anybody an explanation. But in all honesty, is the relationship really going to work with your boyfriend?

I don't think the issue is how to settle feelings for one man or the other.

The problem is, you need to explore your independence, and be free from commitment so you can take a step back, recover from one relationship, before you jump into another one.

Try not to jump from the fire into the frying pan.

Then you need to leave this guy alone, stay away from him and focus on your relationship with your boyfriend.
It could be a crush it could be something more, but you have to be honest with yourself and be honest with your boyfriend.
Don't play around with matches they can ignite and you could get burned.

And, it won't burn only you. It burns people all around you.

I think I know what you are feeling. Your current boyfriend has you feeling very secure. Not a lot of challenge there. You meet this new guy and there is a spark. You both feel it. It is exciting and you look forward to seeing each other. The fact that you know inside that you have a bit of power over this new person just fans the flame. Power is so toxicating. You are feeling the rush from it. There is only ONE way to go forward with the new guy and this is it.

Honesty. If you want to pursue this spark, you have to tell your boyfriend that you are having conflicting feelings. That you love him but you find that you are having feelings that you don't think you should. You need time to explore this.

You can't help how you feel. He could just as possibly have the same experience with some other woman. It happens.

Now, he may react one of several ways and this is the chance you take if you want to pursue this co worker. He may be sad, heartbroken, but wait on you. Or he might tell you where to go.
Or you might try bachelor number 2, the co-worker, it not be what you thought, go back to bachelor number 1, and find that he has found someone else. It's the risk you take.

But have integrity with what you do. No sneaking around. No white lies. No just trying to "be friends" but hide it from your boyfriend.
I don't think you two can be just friends. I've had it get out of hand and the fall out is horrible. Don't let it happen to you.

A1 advice cozyk

Stay with your guy if you truly love him and he loves you it will take you years to find that again if you lose it. Even worse you may NEVER find it again. Like they've said there are loads of people I'm attracted to but I would never let it get in the way of a partnership. Just knock this on the head now before you start to cross boundaries a good rule for you to stick to is the:
LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH
Rule

I think that is healthy. Because I think you really love ypur boyfriend.

In case you're curious how your boyfriend might feel after all of this, I invite you to read about what happened to me several months ago, when a girl I was with for three years decided on a break to be with someone she met at work:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fiancee-needed-break-cheated-me-303020.html

If you tell him you need a break for any other reason than to see if things are better with another man, you are doing him a disservice. Lying by omission. Rest assured, he WILL be heartbroken. As my ex found out, the grass is not greener on the other side.

Think long and hard about what you have with your boyfriend. Don't mistake stability for complacency, and don't mistake superficial knowledge about your coworker gleaned through working together a couple of times as any indication of his character.

I don't know what else to tell you other than this is life. You will always be tempted to do things you shouldn't, and if you do give in, know that it isn't always terrible because making a bad choice and suffering the consequence is how people learn, rarely does anyone learn by doing things the right way. This isn't the last guy you'll be thinking about while in the midst of a relationship, but realize if you seize every opportunity with every guy that looks at you just the right way, you'll never settle down with anyone.

So yeah, to answer your original question, this is natural.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I need this support right now as most of my friends really love my boyfriend. As for what Im going to do, is probably stay with my boyfriend and work on what we have. It is a good thing we have, why change it! Thanks again xo

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-long-do-have-wait-there-hope-277855.html

After the way you cried about the last break, you better stay where your at, since I doubt you could survive another break with him.

I have changed a lot since then my friend, with help from many including you, of course. I never said I was perfect. These are feelings that I don't want and could live without. Everything I don't see in my boyfriend I see in my co worker. So I may not have coped well with the last situation, I learned and I am nothing like I used to be. The relationship is great I can't deny that, but these feelings I have for my co worker are relatively strong, again not something I have chosen.

As we said in the beginning you can't choose the way you feel , but you can choose the actions you do with those feelings.

I think your choosing correctly , well done :)

Life will be full of strong attractions to others. Its human. Acting on them would be crossing the lines of good behavior though, with consequences to pay.

You want to check someone else out? That's your business, but give up that great relationship you have and do so. Or else its cheating, lying , and deceiving.

The grass always looks greener on the other side if you stop taking care of your own lawn.

And I'm out

Sometimes you don't know what you've got till its gone and by the time you've realized that its ll be too late to do anything about it.

Sometimes you only see the things you want to see but in reality its now how it turns out like you expected.

Doesn't it mean something if I'm not only physically attracted to him. I mean he is not even my type of guy. Its just the conversations we have and the way I feel when Im around him. Is this not the time in my life where I should explore and find out what I want. Yes I understand that my boyfriend and I have gone through some rough times and have got through them but isn't better that I have these feelings now then when I am married. I don't want to have these feelings for my co worker but the summer is here and Im starting to work with him more and to be honest I look forward to working with him. Like my boyfriend works nights, he goes to the cottage EVERY weekend so besides me not seeing him very often, I work with someone who clearly likes me, has told me that he knows I have a boyfriend and doesn't want to get in the middle and says that he'll always be there for me. My boyfriend has never said these nice things to me. I just want these feelings to subside but I know once I work with him my feelings will return.

Then you need to come clean with your boyfriend and leave, you'll be free to explore your feeling for this other guy... but be prepared and willing to deal with the consequences in case this guy is not who you think he is.

Re-read my post #27. It's the only way to explore this thing with honor and integrity. I can see how you would want to explore this, just do it the right way.

It's very hard to just be friends with a person you are that attracted to when you already have guilty feelings.