Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

She's been with the new guy for 14 months, is it time for me to forget and move on?

She's been with the new guy for 14 months, is it time for me to forget and move on?

Obviously.

The reason you continue to suffer is because you haven't implemented the no contact rules. Every time you speak with her again, you reset all the progress you have made.

I'm sorry to say, but without blocking her out of your life, you will just prolong your pain. It's time to let her go and block her out of your life until you have recovered (before you can speak to her again).

Here are the no contact rules for your reference: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

Pay attention to what you are saying. You had fun, but didn't want to get married, so you both split. She found some one else to fill the void, much like a cociane user she was looking for her next fix. While she was with you she was receiving regular releases of Dopamine in her brain from her appatitive pleasure center, as were you; however, since you have not found another you are entering the depressive state that most if not all enter after losing the source of their "induced dopamine high" we call love.
This is not me just making stuff up either, if you read the book "the brain that changes it's self By Norman Doidge M.D." look at chaper 4 Acquired taste and love. (I think, it's something like that.) Any way, this book explains how Freud, founder of Analitical Psychology, used cocaine, not realising it's negative affects, and described the feelings he got from the high as the same feelings he got while around his wife. Doidge goes on to explain that Cocaine, Love, and A manic episode have the same ability to release dopamine in our brians giving us the same euphoric effect. As we all know a junkey goes through with drawls, so do people who loose their lover.

To get through this, and get over her, accept that is going to take time, you're going to want to keep your attention on you, and start living your life for yourself again. Get involved with different things, clubs, groups, get counseling (nothing major but just to sort a few things out. After all, they are just an extreamly useful source of inforamtion and self discovery.), try volunteering with an organization (try giving back to the community, if you aren't already.), avoid Bars, night clubs, drugs/alcohol so you can get your head straight. Then just give it time and your' brain will rewire for other things and not be hard wired into suffering over thoughts/feelings of her.

Trust me, the hurt never leaves. It's been since 2006 of June or July since my ex left me, we were together for 4 years, I still hurt every day. Difference is I leared to focuse on myself and discovered there is more to life than just girls/lovers, and I've got a lot to explore before Im ready to start focusing on things that make me sad, depressed. Mind you, this is after ten years of 'depression", but acctaully was bipolar. Don't wast what time you have trying to get over her, simply spend it enjoying, learning, exeriencing, and generally just BEING.

Good luck brother.

May peace and kindness be with you.

But I broke up with her, I really thought I would be fine. Is my not being fine a sign that I made a mistake, or that I just did not move on properly??

You made the right decision. She moved on with another guy so fast doesn't it tell you something? She just doesn't love you as much as you thought she did. Stop thinking about it, its not worth it. Once you get over her, someone better will come along!

You made the right decision. She moved on with another guy so fast doesnt it tell you something? She just doesnt love you as much as you thought she did. Stop thinking about it, its not worth it. Once you get over her, someone better will come along!

OK, but she always told me she really loved me. In the end, I asked her to leave and she went ballistic. I REALLY felt that I made the right decision by letting her go in that instant. Why do I still hurt?? Is the hurt a sign that I made a mistake?? Please explain to me what I am going through. By the way, I broke off several shorter relationships (1 year or so), and I never looked back. They did not hurt like this. What gives?

OK, but she always told me she really loved me. In the end, I asked her to leave and she went ballistic. I REALLY felt that I made the right decision by letting her go in that instant. Why do I still hurt??? Is the hurt a sign that I made a mistake??? Please explain to me what I am going through. By the way, I broke off several shorter relationships (1 year or so), and I never looked back. They did not hurt like this. What gives?

What are the reasons you broke up with her and the reasons you thought it was right at that time?

You're still hurt because you can't turn feelings off like a light switch. She told you she really loved you, so did my ex but she still left me for another guy. She probably has the urge to be with someone that's why she moved on with another guy so fast.

Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

Are you aware that your feelings changed when you found out that she was with a new guy? That as soon as you found out, you "went back to her"? Were you trying to regain her, or trying not to lose to another guy?

Tao

Are you aware that your feelings changed when you found out that she was with a new guy? That as soon as you found out, you "went back to her"? Were you trying to regain her, or trying not to lose to another guy?

tao

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

Classic case of you want something you can't have. Just going to have to let her get through her relationship now before you can ask her out again. Besides, you broke her heart, she won't take you back that easy.

Amen to that.

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

You win by having a happy life without her. Simple as that. Everyone felt that at one point but you ll just have to believe that you will find somebody better.

OK, but she always told me she really loved me. In the end, I asked her to leave and she went ballistic. I REALLY felt that I made the right decision by letting her go in that instant. Why do I still hurt??? Is the hurt a sign that I made a mistake??? Please explain to me what I am going through. By the way, I broke off several shorter relationships (1 year or so), and I never looked back. They did not hurt like this. What gives?

DUDE!! Did you not read what I wrote! :p Silly guy, I just explained it in very scientific Psychological terms.

You feel like that because you crave that dopamine release in the brain, that she gave to you for how long? So you then associated that feeling/release of dopamine with her. Now you can't have that, so you hurt, feel suffering, fear, confusion, depression, (maybe enven as far as) empty.

If you did make a mistake,then you lost your chance to fix it, as she is with some one else and I imagine avoiding her pain, unless she simply accepted the situation and moved on. You can try to get back with her, but I can not stress enough how painful that will be for not only you but her as well. If you care for her at all, then get yourself back together. So if you made a mistake then you must learn from it, and not maybe pay more attention to how you are feeling. You sound like you could use some soul searching time, as you seem genuinly confudled about this. Which is natural, but brother take the time to sort yourself out.

Good luck.

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

I must say I felt the same with my ex, the only women I've known that didn't go out every weekend and get wasted, she and I shared many of the same values, and enjoyed a lot of the same things. But she still was cold, harsh and rude in the most frustrating way. She was high maintinence, and so freeking beautiful, every one asked me, "Is that your Girl!!:eek:" They didn't believe me when I said she was hot. I used to get so bugged about her being so hot and I was not, but all I had to say was, "yeah, but she loves me and not you guys. I'm the one sleepin with her." haha, funny now that I think of all that.

Point is, there are many women out there, no I'm not with any, though that's not because I didn't have the option, boy was I one luckey guy, any way they are out there, but you have to find yourself before you can find your mate. Make sense?

Get girls off your mind and one day some girl with be into you, just as much as you into her. Give it time.

Tao, you are wise. I did go back to "NOT LOSE'" to another guy. However, I feel like she WON by moving on, and I got caught in a lot of muck. I will tell you that we dated for three years, and I left her 3-4 times over her bad treatment of me (harsh words that were not called for). I felt like I might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again. I'm afraid...

OK, so it was "not lose" with her, not him; I was close. But you knew it wasn't 100% between you, and you can trust yourself where that part of you (the part that knows) is concerned. Where you are better off being skeptical, even challenging, is with the part of you that gets you to project
That you "might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again."

Yeah, Boye! It's a vast wasteland out there. Not a pretty girl in sight. Too bad...

Oh, wait. There are beautiful, wonderful women nearby, wanting to know and be known. If you realize that you are afraid, (Do you?) you can interrupt your internal programming long enough to transcend your fear. And go meet some.

I'd be happy to elaborate, if you find it useful.

Tao

OK, so it was "not lose" with her, not him; I was close. But you knew it wasn't 100% between you, and you can trust yourself where that part of you (the part that knows) is concerned. Where you are better off being skeptical, even challenging, is with the part of you that gets you to project
that you "might not EVER find somebody as pretty, or with the same good qualities again."

Yeah, Boye! It's a vast wasteland out there. Not a pretty girl in sight. Too bad...

Oh, wait. There are beautiful, wonderful women nearby, wanting to know and be known. If you realize that you are afraid, (Do you?) you can interrupt your internal programming long enough to transcend your fear. And go meet some.

I'd be happy to elaborate, if you find it useful.

tao

Thanks everybody for all of the help, it has been amazing!

OK. I understand that it is fear. I am basically a shy guy. I do not really go after girls the way I should. Anyway, what is the part of me that knows? I did have serious reservations about marrying her, and I could be in a living hell if I did it. I am just really confused as to why I experienced all of this when it was me that initiated the break up. I want to move on, but a part of me wants her back. Is that part of me that wants her back actually living a lie? or do I really doubt my decision? I did not try to go back to her until 6months after the break up. If I really loved her, do you think I would have waited so long?

Help4me2200,

Only you can know...

Help4me2200,

Only you can know...

I knew clearly when we broke it that it was the right thing to do. In fact the break up was coming for months. Is it NORMAL to have doubts about it later?? especially since I did not meet anyone else yet?

As I have said, "only you can know."

In other words either you allow it to mess the rest of your life up, or, you work through it and take your life back. What's done is done, so focus on yourself and being.

These things are not said with out there being a need for them to be said, so you have to wonder, how many others have been where you are and felt like you feel. Is it normal? Depends on what you are asking when referring to normal. Normal as in, do others feel like this, do this, yes. Normal as in behavioural for you, probably not. Normal as in Normal questions, once again depends on the person.

You are like ever one else, but not every one is the same. It's OK to think these things as 've done it too, to the point of just feeling empty, I took it to the point of not normal and allowed it to take over my life. Very ill advised.

Does that help?

As i have said, "only you can know."

In other words either you allow it to mess the rest of your life up, or, you work through it and take your life back. Whats done is done, so focus on yourself and being.

These things are not said with out there being a need for them to be said, so you have to wonder, how many others have been where you are and felt like you feel. Is it normal? Depends on what you are asking when refering to normal. Normal as in, do others feel like this, do this, yes. Normal as in behavioural for you, probably not. Normal as in Normal questions, once again depends on the person.

You are like ever one else, but not every one is the same. It's ok to think these things as 've done it too, to the point of just feeling empty, I took it to the point of not normal and allowed it to take over my life. Very ill advised.

Does that help?

OK. I understand. Time to move on, no more looking back. It's hard to reconcile the emotional heart and the logical brain- they sometimes do not understand each other. I know it is counter productive, and detremintal to my well being to keep looking back. What's done is done. Thanks to everybody for their inspiration and words of wisdom. May you all find true happiness! - Justin 06/08/09 :)

May peace and kindness be with you brother.

Thanks everybody for all of the help, it has been amazing!

OK. I understand that it is fear. I am basically a shy guy. I do not really go after girls the way I should. Anyway, what is the part of me that knows? I did have serious reservations about marrying her, and I could be in a living hell if I did it. I am just really confused as to why I experienced all of this when it was me that initiated the break up. I want to move on, but a part of me wants her back. Is that part of me that wants her back actually living a lie?, or do I really doubt my decision? I did not try to go back to her until 6months after the break up. If I really loved her, do you think I would have waited so long?

Cool. I admire your honesty and courage, both in acknowledging your fear and in recognizing that you went back to "not lose" (to either him or her). Such characteristics mean that you can resolve your issues and will do so faster and better than if you denied what you are doing.

What you are doing seems to be agonizing over having lost a contest with both of them, a loss that means something to you that only you can access. But my guess is that you had something good going with her. You might be lonely and feeling anxious about being alone, but you knew that what you had with her was just not good enough to warrant 24/7 for the rest of your life. You made the right call.

The appropriate principle is: Never doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.

If you want to understand how to access the meaning I just mentioned, read the thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wants-breakup-after-5-years-359578-25.html

The "part of you that knows," in this case, can be called your intuition. You had a small voice telling you "Not this one" while the rest of you was ready to marry her. You get clarity about this when you consciously see what your instinctive, intuitive mind has been discerning in the background and making available for you to know. Like the rest of us, most of these discerning functions happen outside of consciousness, and you get to experience them through vague feelings or thoughts.. . a seemingly small voice delivering a huge message. It is in your interest to become adept at listening to it.

Be kind to yourself about all this. You've done nothing wrong. You just got caught in a loop of self-doubt and forgot how mean this woman could be.

My advice: Make a decision to let your suffering finally pass through you. Take the loss with an open heart; let it all happen in your very bones and reach its natural end; let go of your need to not lose. Digest this experience and don't resist it any longer.

Then, learn how to recognize the competitive voice inside of you, the voice of you as lover, and playmate, self doubter, winner/victor and even loser/victim. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself, how each of these identities (Read the thread) communicates with your conscious mind. Teach yourself to reflect on your inner state (mood, emotional atmosphere) and how that state influences your thinking and behavior. Do this well and you will no longer get confused like you did with this situation.

Tao

Cool. I admire your honesty and courage, both in acknowledging your fear and in recognizing that you went back to "not lose" (to either him or her). Such characteristics mean that you can resolve your issues and will do so faster and better than if you denied what you are doing.

What you are doing seems to be agonizing over having lost a contest with both of them, a loss that means something to you that only you can access. But my guess is that you had something good going with her. You might be lonely and feeling anxious about being alone, but you knew that what you had with her was just not good enough to warrant 24/7 for the rest of your life. You made the right call.

The appropriate principle is: Never doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.

If you want to understand how to access the meaning I just mentioned, read the thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wants-breakup-after-5-years-359578-25.html

The "part of you that knows," in this case, can be called your intuition. You had a small voice telling you "Not this one" while the rest of you was ready to marry her. You get clarity about this when you consciously see what your instinctive, intuitive mind has been discerning in the background and making available for you to know. Like the rest of us, most of these discerning functions happen outside of consciousness, and you get to experience them through vague feelings or thoughts. ...a seemingly small voice delivering a huge message. It is in your interest to become adept at listening to it.

Be kind to yourself about all this. You've done nothing wrong. You just got caught in a loop of self-doubt and forgot how mean this woman could be.

My advice: Make a decision to let your suffering finally pass through you. Take the loss with an open heart; let it all happen in your very bones and reach its natural end; let go of your need to not lose. Digest this experience and don't resist it any longer.

Then, learn how to recognize the competitive voice inside of you, the voice of you as lover, and playmate, self doubter, winner/victor and even loser/victim. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself, how each of these identities (Read the thread) communicates with your conscious mind. Teach yourself to reflect on your inner state (mood, emotional atmosphere) and how that state influences your thinking and behavior. Do this well and you will no longer get confused like you did with this situation.

tao

Thank you for so much insight. You are dead on, about this. I hurt because she really did mean something to me, and I lost a friend. I hurt her, and she hurt me, it was just a cycle of dysfunction at the end. While I did love her, I must respect the little voice that told me "don't marry her". Going against that voice would have been a disaster. I must now face and be with my fears and insecurities. This event broght to the surface many emotional difficulties that I had failed to acknowledge or come to terms with, and suppressed over the years. Maybe in some strange way, I needed this to happen, so I could truly heal. I will keep reading the various responses to this post every day to draw strength going forward.

Thank you for so much insight. You are dead on, about this. I hurt because she really did mean something to me, and I lost a friend. I hurt her, and she hurt me, it was just a cycle of dysfunction at the end. While I did love her, I must respect the little voice that told me "don't marry her". Going against that voice would have been a disaster. I must now face and be with my fears and insecurities. This event broght to the surface many emotional difficulties that I had failed to acknowledge or come to terms with, and supressed over the years. Maybe in some strange way, I needed this to happen, so I could truly heal. I will keep reading the various responses to this post every day to draw strength going forward.

Good work! Remember to read the thread at https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...359578-25.html

You will get a lot from it.

Tao

The hurt is a sign that you haven't grieved the relationship. Maybe you haven't let go.

You definitely need to go NC and stay NC. That will help a lot toward healing.

The hurt is a sign that you haven't grieved the relationship. Maybe you haven't let go.

You definitely need to go NC and stay NC. That will help a lot toward healing.

She still enters my thoughts every day. She has been gone 17 months, and with another guy for 14 months. I pretty much accept that it's over, but I have a hard time getting her out of my head. I was not prepared for this at all, or I probably would have married her. Why did not marrying her seem so much like the right thing to do, and afterwards I am in such a depression? I did know a few months before the actual break up, that it would very likely come to an end. I never suspected that my looking back would lead me down such a terrible and dark path. One note on this point, she was the one who always came back to me during the several interim break ups we had. I always felt she was wrong, and would not go back to her. Maybe it was my not being sensitive to her, or just not getting out early on. I've gone NC, how do I get her out of my thoughts?

By the way, I have never questioned myself like this before, but this was also my longest most serious relationship. Any advice is well appreciated.

Threads merged


I have a problem with comparing all my new dates with my ex, and most (just about all) are not as pretty as my ex:(. This is a problem, and it makes me frustrated and causes me to regret the break up. Can you choose to stay with somebody because of looks alone? I guess not. I am concerned that I did not appreciate my ex as much as I should have. With that being said, I still did not think we would have made it on a 24/7 basis. What can I do to help myself with this? I do not want to live a life of regret, that seems foolish and unrealistic.

It sounds like it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she was the one who always caved in. People get tired of that after a while. She's gone and now is the time to come to terms with you... your behavior in the relationship and your reaction after it. Maybe you feel as if you didn't really appreciate her when you had her. That's a tough one but it's a learning lesson. I always suggest a Relationship Inventory where you sit down and get honest about what she did, what you did etc. It works through sorrow, anger, guilt etc. And it's a learning experience. It seems like you're holding on because you haven't really worked through what happened between the two of you.

It sounds like it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she was the one who always caved in. People get tired of that after a while. She's gone and now is the time to come to terms with you...your behavior in the relationship and your reaction after it. Maybe you feel as if you didn't really appreciate her when you had her. That's a tough one but it's a learning lesson. I always suggest a Relationship Inventory where you sit down and get honest about what she did, what you did etc. It works through sorrow, anger, guilt etc. And it's a learning experience. It seems like you're holding on because you haven't really worked through what happened between the two of you.

It was rocky. Actually, she told me I was her best boyfriend ever (she meant it). I was very nice to her, and did try my very best. I always took her great places, and loved her as much as I could. It is when she criticized me, or said bad things about me, I shut down and rejected her. When she became aggressive with me, I withdrew. The aggression scared me, and told me to be cautious in a marriage. She was physically beaten by her mom as a child, and I suspect that may have something to do with her aggression.

I was happy dating her, but a marriage just did not feel right for some reason. We spent only weekends together, and never lived together. It was coming to an end because of no marriage proposal.

I only regret that I did not go back one last time to be absolutely sure, but I guess I had three years to decide, and that is long enough.

It sounds like it was a bit of a rocky relationship and she was the one who always caved in. People get tired of that after a while. She's gone and now is the time to come to terms with you...your behavior in the relationship and your reaction after it. Maybe you feel as if you didn't really appreciate her when you had her. That's a tough one but it's a learning lesson. I always suggest a Relationship Inventory where you sit down and get honest about what she did, what you did etc. It works through sorrow, anger, guilt etc. And it's a learning experience. It seems like you're holding on because you haven't really worked through what happened between the two of you.

Would'nt I know if I really wanted to marry her? I should feel it, but I just did not.

3 threads merged

Guys, please tell me if one should have a definite feeling that he has met the right one to marry? And, how long would you know this after dating her?

Would'nt I know if I really wanted to marry her?? I should feel it, but I just did not.

I agree. I think you made the right call and now you have to make peace with it. That's the hard part.

Would you? Should you feel it?

There is no "one" person meant for you. How would each of you answer these questions?

*Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
*What do we as a couple want out of life?
*What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
*How often do you drink?
*Have you ever hit someone?
*Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
*Do you have a criminal record?
*Are you willing to replace the toilet tissue roll?
*Can we talk about money and sex?
*Do we want children?
*How much time will we spend with in-laws?
*Will you clean the toilet?
*What will we do on our days off?

Consider that looks are not only on the outside. The more you get to know someone the prettier or uglier you will find them depending on their personality. Have you ever met someone that was really attractive then spent some time with them and start to notice that they're not as good looking as you first thought?

Consider that looks are not only on the outside. The more you get to know someone the prettier or uglier you will find them depending on their personality. Have you ever met someone that was really attractive then spent some time with them and start to notice that they're not as good looking as you first thought?

A valid point, well taken. Thank you.

There is no "one" person meant for you. How would each of you answer these questions?

*Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
*What do we as a couple want out of life?
*What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
*How often do you drink?
*Have you ever hit someone?
*Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
*Do you have a criminal record?
*Are you willing to replace the toilet tissue roll?
*Can we talk about money and sex?
*Do we want children?
*How much time will we spend with in-laws?
*Will you clean the toilet?
*What will we do on our days off?

More on point. In my last relationship (3 years) I did not feel that I wanted to marry her. After we broke up, I thought maybe that I made a mistake and should have married her. Basically, if she were the one for me, would I have let her go, or would the feeling be strong enough that I would not let her go? I appreciate all input on this! Thanks.

Would you? Should you feel it?

I would think that I would feel that she was right to the extent of wanting to be with her all of the time, or permantly. I did not have that feeling. Weekends were enough. It's easy to look back now that she's out of my life, so it's easy to see violins playing.

Like I said, there is no perfect "one for me."

You did the right thing by letting her go. You apparently weren't ready for marriage.

Like I said, there is no perfect "one for me."

You did the right thing by letting her go. You apparently weren't ready for marriage.

You say I was not ready for marriage. I assumed that I would feel the inclination to do it. I did not feel it, but instead had doubt. Is that not ready, or perhaps being with the wrong partner?

You say I was not ready for marriage. I assumed that I would feel the inclination to do it. I did not feel it, but instead had doubt. Is that not ready, or perhaps being with the wrong partner?
Sort of like, both. Does it matter?

Sorta like, both. Does it matter?

It matters to me. Our love was dying dowm, and I had doubts about her long term. Living with her would be a house of pain (or so I thought). I do not want to think I am commitment phobic. I am worried that I should have settled for her.

It matters to me. Our love was dieing dowm, and I had doubts about her long term. Living with her would be a house of pain (or so I thought). I do not want to think I am commitment phobic. I am worried that I should have settled for her.
Not marrying one person is not commitment phobic. Had you done the pre-marital dance with counseling, etc. you would have figured it out in time if she wasn't the one for you.

If you have someone in mind, than I don't think you're ready to marry that person because you question it.

To know if its "the one" or not, you have a feeling that everything is right, something you won't regret, won't give a second thought, everything is perfect.

Also I don't think there is "the one". Life is unpredictable and anything can happen.

Feelings are easily deceived, or misinterpreted. Look at it this way, our feelings are a result of our thoughts, keeping in mind that people can have thoughts that are subconcious and that are super fast, so much so that many don't even realize they have them.

Be aware of your thoughts and learn self control. Very few of us are ever sure of anything, and when we are, we tend to be fooling ourselves. “Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”
Confucius

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”
Confucius

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius

“Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.” ~Edward Albee

“Seeking is not always the way to find.” ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ~Francis Bacon

“The future influences the present just as much as the past.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

"There are many things in this world I can not understand, but it seems to me that there are many things in this world that do not understand me. So rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."- Nestorian

These are the lessons I see in your issues. Try to pay attention and relate them. It would be benaficial to your endeavors.

Peace and kindness be with you.

Powerful stuff. You Sir have much wisdom. Thank you for bestowing it upon me. I see the light...

To me, if you're questioning it, they aren't the one you should marry. Cold feet, sure. But questioning the person, not quite

Do you know when you have met "the one" to marry?


There is no such thing as the one. Its the one you are willing to take a risk with.

Be logical, as a human male, there are probably millions of female humans you can work with, and have a happy fulfilling life with.

Pick one, and take the risk.

Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

My relationship is due for a split. We have been dating for 7 years and seen each other only on the odd weekend.

I'm bracing myself for it.
Reading your entry I can kind of relate to.

I want to get married and yes id be gutted if my partner didn't want to marry me.
However I'm not splitting with him for that reason!
Long story. *sigh*

my relationship is due for a split. we have been dating for 7 years and seen each other only on the odd weekend.

im bracing myself for it.
reading your entry i can kind of relate to.

i want to get married and yes id be gutted if my partner didnt want to marry me.
however im not splitting with him for that reason!
long story. *sigh*

Take my advice. Think it through carefully. Talk to your partner honestly. If its workable, try to save it. If not, move on with peace in your heart.

Feelings are easily decieved, or misinterpreted. Look at it this way, our feelings are a result of our thoughts, keeping in mind that people can have thoughts that are subconcious and that are super fast, so much so that many don't even realize they have them.

Be aware of your thoughts and learn self control. Very few of us are ever sure of anything, and when we are, we tend to be fooling our selves. “Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”
Confucius

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”
Confucius

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius

“Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.” ~Edward Albee

“Seeking is not always the way to find.” ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ~Francis Bacon

“The future influences the present just as much as the past.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

"There are many things in this world I can not understand, but it seems to me that there are many things in this world that do not understand me. So rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."- Nestorian

These are the lessons I see in your issues. Try to pay attention and relate them. It would be benaficial to your endevors.

Peace and kindness be with you.

I read the quotes, and I do understand all of it on some level. I still hurt because there is some small doubt in me the keeps coming back, and making me feel that maybe I should have tried harder to make it work with her. Maybe I was foolish to let her go. Maybe There is no perfect partner, just accept what comes. Where is the truth in all of this??

It also bothers me that she moved on in 3 months, and is happily (or so I believe) dating another guy for over a year.

It's in my head every day.

Or maybe you aren't dealing with your feelings very well, and are reliving them over, and over again.

That usually says you haven't regrouped and built new memories, or something has happen to trigger these feelings again.

Which is it?

"I read the quotes, and I do understand all of it on some level. I still hurt because there is some small doubt in me the keeps coming back, and making me feel that maybe I should have tried harder to make it work with her. Maybe I was foolish to let her go. Maybe There is no perfect partner, just accept what comes. Where is the truth in all of this???

It also bothers me that she moved on in 3 months, and is happily (or so I believe) dating another guy for over a year.

It's in my head every day."-You

Self doubt is dangerous. You're feelings decieve you, let go of your fear. Its OK to be scared, confused, uncertain, but don't dwell on it so much so that you fail to see the rest of life.

I think you are displaying your fears to connect to new people, and you are afraid you will not be accepted by another women... She is gone, you let go, and now you are suffering and don't know why. What do you want in life? What are your hopes and dreams? Where did you want to be in 10 years from now, a year a go?

Now, why did you simply like the weekend thing and not put more time into being with her on week days? Why did you not fear leaving her every weekend?

Hmm, You sure do have a lot of wieght on her and being happy and moving on after 3 months. Perhaps you thought you meant more to her? You are feeling she didn't really care after all, or that you mean less than this guy or even her? You feel belittled, betray, insignificant, low, and ultiamtely feel unworthy?

Think on those very hard, for get what you said, answer what I wrote, do you feel those or not? Good luck.

OK. The truth is that I connected to my ex in some deeper way, deeper than I have ever had before. I knew that she was there for me, and understood me at the deepest level. We were able to connect imtimately, and I would always go about knowing that I had her, and everything was all right. Even when she was at a distance, I felt OK, because I knew she was there as my girlfriend. I never replaced that. I went on a date tonight, and the girl was cute, but not a connection on the level that I had. I am afraid. I want to deperately believe that I will find it again, and that this time it will be more right than the last. I know that I need to let go for my own good. I hold onto the past, because I am afraid of the future. I was wrong to hold my ex for so long, when I did not feel that I would marry her. Every time that I pulled away, she would come back to me. In the end, I forced her away. Maybe it was the best thing to do (break up), but I feel incomplete. I lost myself confidence, and self esteem. They are gradually coming back. I want to find a great girl that I can be right for. I'm better, but still hurting. I need to find myself in all of this.

Yes, I felt that I meant more to her. I feel belittled and betrayed. She does not care about me, and yes that hurts a lot. She replaced me. The truth is that it was mine to keep or discard. I chose to discard it. So much of her was right, but some part was not right. She nurtured me. In the end, I held her stuff for months, and returned it after I knew she met somebody else. Maybe, I expected her to come back and apologize. She never could say "I'm sorry", so the hurt inside me stayed. I was not going to reach out to her, when I felt she caused the problem. I have to beocme a more mature person, and this will make that happen. I do need to keep moving forward with a smle, and believe. I have felt so much pain after the relationship. She felt the pain during the relationship with each interim break up. Life brings us some hard lessons...

"She replaced me."-You
Maaybe she is trying, but you are the only you in this world. She, if she takes time to find her self, really is looking for some one like you, but not like you. She wants to increase the chances for a healthy successful relationship, so she needs to find some one who has the qualities like you that made her happy, as well as you, but also with out the qualities that made the relationship not work...

"The truth is that it was mine to keep or discard."-You
Was it? Regardless of your choices, she had to chose to be with you as well. Sure you could have choose to work with her, or not, but your choice doesn't dictate what she decides to do, or you may be together now... Right?

"She never could say "I'm sorry", so the hurt inside me stayed."-You
Um, didn't you break it off? If it makes you feel better I never got a sorry from my ex, actaully she said that she loved my like a sad puppy... (man that was cold.) But I still lover her just the same, and 3 years later it hurts just the same, but now I know that I am responsible for my thoughts, emotions/feelings, and actions. It's me who has to live my life and I'm not going to waste it recalling the painful times, when I can draw strength from each situational lesson and make new experiences to draw from, hopefully positive ones.

But yes, what was the problem again? (sorry, got a lot on my mind these days.)

"I have to beocme a more mature person, and this will make that happen. I do need to keep moving forward with a smle, and believe. I have felt so much pain after the relationship. She felt the pain during the relationship with each interim break up. Life brings us some hard lessons..."

Maturity would most likely benafit you. Going about life "with a smile on your face", not always a good thing. If you feel like crap once in a while then let it out, but only allow yourself a predetermined, by you, amount of time. Don't force yourself to be happy, just try focusing on things that are happy for you. Like exercising, and running, biking, sports, hanging out with friends and such. I strongly suggest you just go see a counsellor for a little extra insight at this point as you seem pretty set in these "darker thoughts". Work on yourself, by sitting down and asking yourself how your day went then write about it. Try journaling maybe.

And once again, yes, life can teach some pretty harsh lessons. Then again, we have a habit of expecting life to give us many great things; perhaps we would be wisest not to expect anything from life, but to be grateful for what we receive.

Peace and kindness be with you brother.

Ok bro, I am not the same or different than you but read my thread here - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-4-years-broke-up-me-last-night-290618.html... I was a wreck when my ex left me for someone else. It kills the male ego to see that we are not as important as we thought we were. But guess what? It will pass once you go out and meet new people, and start living for you. Trust me when I say this, you don't see a way out right now? But you will! Just start doing what you like to do! My ex hated when I worked out because it was improving me, and it was something that she had no say in. I started again and I am proud to say, I am down 60lbs, benching my final 12 reps at 260lbs, and barbell curling 135! It's amazing how much it has helped. What do you want to do for the rest of your life? WHATEVER YOU WANT!! That's the best part of being single. And someday, she'll email you, and you'll think the same thing I do when my ex emails me... huh, poor thing, she never got to have what I have right now!

Thank you for the inspiration. I am starting to believe that things will turn out OK. I will keep the faith, and keep on living my life.

All the things you said, are just your perspective. Obviously she was not the person for you because if she was, she wouldn't have left. Sometimes your emotions just blinds you into thinking how perfect it was or could have been when really that wasn't the case. I think you need to look pass that and let her go. Once you do, someone else will come along.

All the things you said, are just your perspective. Obviously she was not the person for you because if she was, she wouldnt have left. Sometimes your emotions just blinds you into thinking how perfect it was or could have been when really that wasnt the case. I think you need to look pass that and let her go. Once you do, someone else will come along.

Valid point. The facts became distorted with time. Emotions have a way of changing the facts. Time will heal. I know that she was not for me. My biggest mistake was in looking back. I know my life is in the present and future. The consolation here is if we did marry, it would have been so much worse for both of us. Letting go takes time, but I am trying.

Valid point. The facts became distorted with time. Emotions have a way of changing the facts. Time will heal. I know that she was not for me. My biggest mistake was in looking back. I know my life is in the present and future. The consolation here is if we did marry, it would have been so much worse for both of us. Letting go takes time, but I am trying.

Yup, its good you decided to move on.

Don't live life in regrets man, its so unhealthy. You fell for the person you thought she was but you've found out she was not that person.

In all honesty, it was not a bad thing. You've loved her and love is a great feeling and now you're more experienced in being in a relationship. So you ll be able to make the next one so much better.

Just focus on your personal goals and doing things that make you happy. There are no more "ifs". That's out of the question now because its not going to happen so don't dwell on it anymore.

You ll feel better when you meet someone better and you will! But at the same time don't settle for anything less than you expected.

I dealt with the same situation. I left my ex after 8 years... two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on... I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.

I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if there is truly anything better than us.

AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!

It's the ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!

Yup, its good you decided to move on.

Dont live life in regrets man, its so unhealthy. You fell for the person you thought she was but you've found out she was not that person.

In all honesty, it was not a bad thing. You've loved her and love is a great feeling and now you're more experienced in being in a relationship. So you ll be able to make the next one so much better.

Just focus on your personal goals and doing things that make you happy. There are no more "ifs". Thats out of the question now because its not going to happen so dont dwell on it anymore.

You ll feel better when you meet someone better and you will! But at the same time dont settle for anything less than you expected.

I am realizing not to live life with regrets. It was so CLEAR when I asked her to leave, that it was finally over. At that time, I felt a great relief. I only went back to her out of fear, I don't think it was love. If I really loved her, I would never have let her go so long. We had so many break ups towards the end, I just wanted the last one to be final. She was GOOD and BAD, so it is not clear to me as I only remember the good side for some reason. It is easy to idealize my ex at a distance, I do not have to deal with her on a daily basis. You are right there are no more "if's", it's over. I have to learn to manage my feelings of hate, anger, and jealousy toward her. I hope she learns her own lesson from this. I am starting to date again, and it's tough. I'm not 100%, but I think I should get out there little by little, and maybe God will send a wonderful woman my way! This is a BIG lesson for next time.

I dealt with the same exact situation. I left my ex after 8 years...two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on...I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.

I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if their is truely anything better than us.

AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!!

Thank you for your input. You are right. I know that the moment she decided it was over, it was over forever! She met somebody new, and could care less. It sounds bad, but wait until the new guy figures out what he's gotten himself into. Her history of failed relationships, has one common thread... HER. I would not be surprised to see this one fail too.

I have gone NO CONTACT. I do know it's over, I just wish she would leave my thoughts forever.

Amazingly, I thought that I would be fine about this, and I was for 6 months. Once she met somebody else, I went down this dark path.

I dealt with the same exact situation. I left my ex after 8 years...two, three weeks later I felt that maybe we could sit and talk about things. However, it was too late within those few weeks I was not talking to him, he found another girl and refused to reconcile with me. Just move on...I wasted 7 months after the fact trying my best to talk some sense into him. It didn't get me anywhere.

I think if they did love us they would have wanted to try again. They're trying to see if their is truely anything better than us.

AND MY ONLY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!

ITS THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND AND FEEL THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!!!!

Does anyone have any advice to help me sleep? My ex seems to come to mind at night, and it can make for a poor sleep. I either wake up too early, or have a hard time falling asleep or both! This has affected my life most!

If you have still sleep problem after 17 month, it can be a chronical.

Also make yourself tired by working out every evening.
If you still have the issue, then you need to see a doctor to get anti anxiety pills, not sleeping pills. It releases anxiety from your brain, and you can have a good sleep.
It makes much easier to overcome the sleep problem.
Good Luck!

OK. The truth is that I connected to my ex in some deeper way, deeper than I have ever had before. I knew that she was there for me, and understood me at the deepest level. We were able to connect imtimately, and I would always go about knowing that I had her, and everything was alright. Even when she was at a distance, I felt ok, because I knew she was there as my girlfriend. I never replaced that. I went on a date tonight, and the girl was cute, but not a connection on the level that I had. I am afraid. I want to deperately believe that I will find it again, and that this time it will be more right than the last. I know that I need to let go for my own good. I hold onto the past, because I am afraid of the future. I was wrong to hold my ex for so long, when I did not feel that I would marry her. Every time that I pulled away, she would come back to me. In the end, I forced her away. Maybe it was the best thing to do (break up), but I feel incomplete. I lost my self confidence, and self esteem. They are gradually coming back. I want to find a great girl that I can be right for. I'm better, but still hurting. I need to find myself in all of this.

Makes sense. Take your time in dating, don't go out to find anything, but rather just to have fun, as you can not find some one with that deep intimate connection until you know yourself. As I say, "How can you know your soul mate if you don't know yourself?" (Not that the next person you meet will be a soul mate, but you never know.)

Yes, it may never stop hurting, it hasn't for me, and I'm 3 years past the break up. I reckon, haha, I can't believe I just used that cow poke term, "Reckon" haha. Sorry, but I reckon that we just find other things to focus our mind on, as the pain is in the past, and tied to our memories.
Which reminds me that I read in a book if you bring up each memory of they relationship and then focus on it bringing all your attention to it, then picture it leaving, dissipating, or fading. This is supposed to train our minds to let go of tha past, so we can make room for the future, or present to be more accurate. It was said that our minds can only take in so much info before our minds become "satruated" with information, making it hard to keep everything in the for front of our minds, or in the councious/awareness/mindfulness of our beings.

Ok, I'm done.

Peace and kindness

Makes sense. Take your time in dating, don't go out to find anything, but rather just to have fun, as you can not find some one with that deep intimate connection untill you know yourself. As I say, "How can you know your soul mate if you don't know yourself?" (Not that the next person you meet will be a soul mate, but you never know.)

Yes, it may never stop hurting, it hasn't for me, and i'm 3 years past the break up. I reckon, haha, I can't believe I just used that cow poke term, "Reckon" haha. Sorry, but I reckon that we just find other things to focus our mind on, as the pain is in the past, and tied to our memories.
Which reminds me that I read in a book if you bring up each memory of they relationship and then focus on it bringing all your attention to it, then picture it leaving, dissipating, or fading. This is supposed to train our minds to let go of tha past, so we can make room for the future, or present to be more accurate. It was said that our minds can only take in so much info before our minds become "satruated" with information, making it hard to keep everything in the for front of our minds, or in the councious/awareness/mindfulness of our beings.

Ok, I'm done.

Peace and kindness

Good advice. I will try to train my mind to let go of the memories. I know that when I do find someone new, this will all disappear from my memory.

Wear yourself out!! Play a sport. Make plans for a big trip. The excitement will keep your mind focused. Talk about how you feel until you can't possibly hear yourself talk anymore.

I had the same problem too... Damn it:plol! I would wake up thinking about him and couldn't sleep cause all I pictured was him being with another girl. But it will pass.

You are probably over-romanticizing just like I did. After all, there were things that lead you to break up with her. And now that you see she's with someone else, you think it wasn't that bad... but the truth is.. it was. Take time to reflect on things. Why were some of the reasons you didn't want to marry her. Keep reminding yourseld of this.

Wear yourself out!!! Play a sport. Make plans for a big trip. The excitement will keep your mind focused. Talk about how you feel until you can't possibly hear yourself talk anymore.

I had the same problem too.....Damn it:plol! i would wake up thinking about him and couldn't sleep cause all i pictured was him being with another girl. But it will pass.

You are probably over-romanticizing just like I did. Afterall, there were things that lead you to break up with her. And now that you see she's with someone else, you think it wasn't that bad....but the truth is.. it was. Take time to reflect on things. Why were some of the reasons you didn't want to marry her. Keep reminding yourseld of this.

You are correct about over romantizing. However, she was my best girlfriend so far. I do know that we would likely not have made it in a marriage. I hate to picture her with another guy. I'll eventually meet somebody nice, and this will just be a memory. I'm dating again, so there is hope. I just want to meet a nice girl that I can connect with on a deep level. I'm ready to get married, I just need God to help me make the right selection:p

"Life is ours we live it our way."- Metallica

"By my self but not alone..."- Metallica.

Remember, seeking is not always the way to find, but being present in the moment may be...

If you should wish to be other than you are, then why follow the ideals and values that have made you thus?

Look up the Sunscreen song on YouTube, I think its like 7 minutes, but Bas, or Baz L... something. It's something that helped me get past some difficult times.

Peace and kindness be with you brother.

"Life is ours we live it our way."- Metallica

"By my self but not alone..."- Metallica.

Remember, seeking is not always the way to find, but being present in the moment may be...

If you should wish to be other than you are, then why follow the ideals and values that have made you thus?

Look up the Sunscreen song on youtube, I think its like 7 minutes, but Bas, or Baz L.... something. It's something that helped me get past some difficult times.

Peace and kindness be with you brother.

Thanks to everybody for all of your advice and support. It has really helped me to get better. This was the most painful experience of my life. However, it was necessary to break up with her, to stop an even worse situation from occurring later. I have learned so much about love and relationships, and I vow to get it right next time. I am going forward as a better person, and one who has healed some very old and very deep wounds as a result of this pain. I am actually thankful for this pain, as it has showed me the correct path. God bless everybody, and may you all find true love. 06-12-09

All I can say to you my friend... NO CONTACT.

I haven't spoken to my ex since April 3rd and I do not know if she is with someone else and thanks to no contact I will never know, so I won't suffer if she is.

Train yourself to forget the past. Think of now and tomorrow, be optimist, throw away all negative thoughts, see the glass half full not half empty.

Remember that the ones who dump others are the ones who will regret later and live with that remorse, the rest of their life.

The grass wasn't greener after all...

Never throw away what you got thinking you found something better, there is no garantee's in life. The only sure thing in life is death and taxes...

Time to move on and start a new chapter of your life story, don't dwell on the past, set her free and if she still loves you one day she will come back and she will be yours for good, until then keep focusing on yourself and enjoy life again.

From all the brothers who know what you are going through...

All i can say to you my friend... NO CONTACT.

i haven't spoken to my ex since april 3rd and i do not know if she is with someone else and thanks to no contact i will never know, so i won't suffer if she is.

train yourself to forget the past. Think of now and tomorrow, be optimist, throw away all negative thoughts, see the glass half full not half empty.

Remember that the ones who dump others are the ones who will regret later and live with that remorse, the rest of their life.

The grass wasn't greener after all...

never throw away what you got thinking you found something better, there is no garantee's in life. The only sure thing in life is death and taxes...

Time to move on and start a new chapter of your life story, don't dwell on the past, set her free and if she still loves you one day she will come back and she will be yours for good, untill then keep focusing on yourself and enjoy life again.

from all the brothers who know what you are going through...

I agree with everything you say, except about remorse. I left her because it was the best option long term. I did not love her enough, and I would have never been able to live with her long term.

Oh I thought she the one who left...

OK the remorse only if they had love... if they did not love then there is no remorse...

I am realizing not to live life with regrets. It was so CLEAR when I asked her to leave, that it was finally over. At that time, I felt a great relief. I only went back to her out of fear, I don't think it was love. If I really loved her, I would never have let her go so long. We had so many break ups towards the end, I just wanted the last one to be final. She was GOOD and BAD, so it is not clear to me as I only remember the good side for some reason. It is easy to idealize my ex at a distance, I do not have to deal with her on a daily basis. You are right there are no more "if's", it's over. I have to learn to manage my feelings of hate, anger, and jealousy toward her. I hope she learns her own lesson from this. I am starting to date again, and it's tough. I'm not 100%, but I think I should get out there little by little, and maybe God will send a wonderful woman my way! This is a BIG lesson for next time.

Hi there, hope you're still around. I relate very much to what you are saying here. I just split with my girlfriend after a long period of offs and ons. I kept having anxiety in the relationship, unsure if she was right for me (even though she remains the most important woman that's ever entered my life). These would end up in really bad anxiety and a general feeling of discomfort that I just couldn't really put my finger on at first. She had her little annoyances of course, but gradually these little things came to completely completely outweigh all of the wonderful qualities she had. I had thoughts of escape, thoughts of meeting someone better. But every time we broke up because of the way I was behaving, I would be utterly devastated and fall into depression. The longest of these was when we really broke up after christmas.

That time she initiated the split - not because of any love loss, but merely out of self preservation - she could not stand to be hurt be me like that again. I went into the worst depression of my life and literally did nothing for 3 months (id also lost my job before christmas). Believe it or not I actually met someone else during this time whom I was seeing for almost two of those months, but she was merely a distraction - I liked her, but it was nothing compared to my ex. I really thought I'd never see her again for a long time. But she got back into contact, we got back together and I began having the same thought of is this right etc etc, I picked holes in her. I was thinking I had to end it but couldn't do it. Then one day I was feelign uncomfortable with her and told her to go out with her friend who'd called - it was a weekend that my ex had so wanted to just spend with me. And that instigated this, last break up. And this time for her, enough is enough. She will really I think, never get back with me now, even though I know I am the love of her life.

And now I feel lost, devastated, thinking only of everything good that we had and none of the bad, even the bad now seems good, just part of her. Thinking I want to make her happy, see her, but she will not see me, its too painful for her. And I know I am only hurting her more in trying to contact her as I was at first. I've stopped now because I don't want to upset her anymore. But I am afraid to lose her, to forever wonder what I threw away.

As for sleep, during my darkest days I always found drink and spliffs did the trick. You only feel worse the next day though ;)

Writing this has made me feel better even if no one reads it :)

I'd really suggest therapy. It sounds like you could benefit from therapy and maybe even medication. Hang in there.

Hi Everybody. I broke up with my ex 17 months ago. We were together for about 3 years. I broke up with her during a big argument. Basically, I did not feel that I wanted to marry her, and she wanted it. I was cool with the break up for about 4 months, and then I found out she had moved on with a new guy. I went back to her but she rejected me. I was devistated, and became deeply depressed. I developed insomnia, and could not sleep for months. Some part of me felt as if I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me. Clearly she had some great qualities, and loved me a lot, but my gut did not feel it would work 24/7. Our 3 year relationship was only on weekends. I'm still hurting 17 months later (but less than before). Can anybody please tell me how to get over this, and if you think I truly made a mistake in breaking up with her? Thanks for your comments!

Yo man ! Hope everything comes out good but u may need to meet new girls . Have some fun but not too extreme... if she was to really belong to u man it would have happened a long time ago . U may need to just moved on man . Take it easy man...

I believe it's never over, some couples can come back after 2, 5, even 10 years...

If she loves you she will come back one day...
If you set her free and did not beg her to come back, one day she might want to come back.

There is no guarantee in life, just let time pass and see what happens...

Hi there, hope you're still around. I relate very much to what you are saying here. i just split with my girlfriend after a long period of offs and ons. I kept having anxiety in the relationship, unsure if she was right for me (even though she remains the most important woman that's ever entered my life). These would end up in really bad anxiety and a general feeling of discomfort that i just couldn't really put my finger on at first. She had her little annoyances of course, but gradually these little things came to completely completely outweigh all of the wonderful qualities she had. I had thoughts of escape, thoughts of meeting someone better. But every time we broke up because of the way I was behaving, I would be utterly devastated and fall into depression. The longest of these was when we really broke up after christmas.

That time she initiated the split - not because of any love loss, but merely out of self preservation - she could not stand to be hurt be me like that again. I went into the worst depression of my life and literally did nothing for 3 months (id also lost my job before christmas). Beleive it or not i actually met someone else during this time whom i was seeing for almost two of those months, but she was merely a distraction - i liked her, but it was nothing compared to my ex. I really thought I'd never see her again for a long time. But she got back into contact, we got back together and I began having the same thought of is this right etc etc, I picked holes in her. I was thinking i had to end it but couldn't do it. Then one day i was feelign uncomfortable with her and told her to go out with her friend who'd called - it was a weekend that my ex had so wanted to just spend with me. And that instigated this, last break up. And this time for her, enough is enough. She will really I think, never get back with me now, even though I know I am the love of her life.

And now I feel lost, devastated, thinking only of everything good that we had and none of the bad, even the bad now seems good, just part of her. Thinking I want to make her happy, see her, but she will not see me, its too painful for her. And I know i am only hurting her more in trying to contact her as I was at first. i've stopped now because I don't want to upset her anymore. But I am afraid to lose her, to forever wonder what i threw away.

As for sleep, during my darkest days i always found drink and spliffs did the trick. You only feel worse the next day though ;)

Writing this has made me feel better even if no one reads it :)

Hello, I am the guy that initiated this post. I read your response, and I can relate too much of what you wrote. I know exactly how you feel, on one hand this woman was the best thing that ever came into your life, on the other hand you have SERIOUS DOUBT. That doubt is your subconscious mind, or intuition, telling you that something is wrong. You must go with your intuition because it factors in many things that your conscious mind does not. I am still hurting over this situation (but a lot less than before), but I am dating again, and feel it will all work out in the end.

Things always look better in the rear view mirror than they actually were. I do believe that if you are meant to be together, you will end up back together. Sometimes, we have hard lessons to learn. They key is to learn them and grow from them. Keep moving forward, and good luck!

I believe it's never over, some couples can come back after 2, 5, even 10 years...

if she loves you she will come back one day...
If you set her free and did not beg her to come back, one day she might want to come back.

There is no garantee in life, just let time pass and see what happens...

You are correct, it can come back together at some point. In my case it would be difficult because she has been with another guy, and it would take A LOT of forgiveness to get past that. As I go about dating, I meet a lot of interesting women, and sooner or later, one of them will be "THE ONE". My advice is to keep moving forward, if the past wants to catch up with you, it will. Good luck.

The same thing happened to me, I ended it with the ex, he moved on right away. I didn't sleep for months--still don't sleep well. I am so sore--whole body. I bugged the heck out of him but of course he ignored me. I got fat, don't look like I did at all. I have sabotogized nyself and fearful I am going to die because of my stupidity.