I need help I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can even do. I'm 31 and been with my husband for seven years now. I am happy and have a great marriage. However, within the last five years I have totally lost my sex drive. I have no sexual desire to be intimate with my husband. I find the act physically painful now. Health wise I'm fine as my physicals and paps are all normal. I do take some medications and have attempted to adjust my medications in hopes to help with the loss but no luck. I want so badly to want to be intimate with my husband but I just have no desire. I am attracted to my husband but I am more attracted to his inner vs. his outer. I am so desperate I'm actually considering taking testosterone.

What medications are you taking?

Same question: what are you taking? It could be from your meds. It could be hormonal as well, so have you seen a hormone specialist?

Also, you say that sex is physically painful, but your exams and paps are normal. What kind of pain and specifically where? To what does your doc attribute the pain?

Do you have sexual feelings at all? Is it husband-specific, with you feeling something (privately and appropriately) sexual regarding men in general but no longer toward your husband? Or, is it "lights out" overall?

Was there any event that you think could be the source of this lack of desire? Any health issue or psychological process that comes to mind?

It seems that you really care for your husband. Are the two of you affectionate? Do you ever curl up with each other in a non-sexual way?

Last, does he know, and are you communicating?

Talk to your OB-GYN before you adjust your meds, but they are the most likely suspect.

WOW everyone is so kind thank you for wanting to help me

Also, remember that with women, relationship troubles will effect your sex drive.

WOW everyone is so kind thank you for wanting to help me

If you answer our questions, useful help will follow. If you prefer to answer in private, that's OK.

Tao

Questions:

What meds are you taking? Have you seen a hormone specialist?

Also, you say that sex is physically painful, but your exams and paps are normal. What kind of pain and specifically where? To what does your doc attribute the pain?

Do you have sexual feelings at all? Is it husband-specific, with you feeling something (privately and appropriately) sexual regarding men in general but no longer toward your husband? Or, is it "lights out" overall?

Was there any event that you think could be the source of this lack of desire? Any health issue or psychological process that comes to mind?

It seems that you really care for your husband. Are the two of you affectionate? Do you ever curl up with each other in a non-sexual way?

Last, does he know, and are you communicating?

I'm sorry I've been so busy and stressed out with everything going on in my life I was just to tired to respond to all of your questions taoplr. But I wanted to make sure you knew I was appreciative of your help.

This is what I take as far as meds.

Birth control - Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo - daily
Anti-depressant - Effexor XR 112.5mg - daily
Hypertension - Lisinopril 10mg - daily
Hypertension - Hydrochlorothiazide 25mg - daily
Anti-anxeity - Alprazolam .5-1mg - PRN

I've been on two birth controls and I've attempted to not take any brith control as I went through a six month time frame of amenorrhea so my MD took me off BC. My husband and I do not want to have children yet and my face seems to severely break out if I'm not on it.

I've been on just about every single anti-depressant available mainly because of my upbringing. I am currently on Effexor XR for the rest of my life because of the severe withdrawl effects and vertigo I have if I do not consistently take it daily at the same time. I know anti-depressants can be to blame as I've tired almost all of them. Wellbutrin I could not tolerate the side effects and Effexor which I'm currently on I'm told are the best ones to take for depression with the least amount of sexual side effects.

I developed high blood pressure in my mid 20's which seems to keep going up the older I get. I think it's genetic because I'm only 105lbs and healthy.

I take Xanax PRN and rarely depending on how stressed I am.

I have not seen a hormone specialist. Oh my gosh this is embarrassing for me.

My MD and I think it's vagina dryness. Whenever we are intimate I use a ton of KY on both of us. It's the first penatration that is so painful. I'm petite and my husband is almost 200 lbs. But our size difference didn't seem to matter in the beginning of our relationship we were like rabbits but a ton of things have changed since then.

I do have sexual feelings but I typically will only masterbate about 2-3x's a month with a device and it seems to take forever to actually have an orgasium. I don't know if it's husband-specific but I know I don't desire or fantasize about wanting to be with anyone else.

My husband does have Asperger's though as it is very difficult to connect with him on an intimate level emotionally and psychologically.

I can't think of any health issues that would be to blame I know my husband has type I diabetes but that wouldn't change anything sexually.

No we are not really attectionate anymore and no we really don't cuddle anymore. We are in the routine of marriage now.

Yes, he knows I tell him EVERYTHING even stuff he doesn't want to know about. I'm the over communicator and he's the under communicator.

Recently, he told me he feels unwanted and it makes me so sad because I would give my life to him. This is why I am asking for help.

... But I wanted to make sure you knew I was appreciative of your help. (Noted, tao)

This is what I take as far as meds.

Birth control - Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo - daily
Anti-depressant - Effexor XR 112.5mg - daily
Hypertension - Lisinopril 10mg - daily
Hypertension - Hydrochlorothiazide 25mg - daily
Anti-anxeity - Alprazolam .5-1mg - PRN

I've been on two birth controls and I've attempted to not take any brith control as I went through a six month time frame of amenorrhea so my MD took me off BC. My husband and I do not want to have children yet and my face seems to severely break out if I'm not on it.

I've been on just about every single anti-depressant available mainly because of my upbringing (Say more, ). I am currently on Effexor XR for the rest of my life because of the severe withdrawl effects and vertigo I have if I do not consistently take it daily at the same time. I know anti-depressants can be to blame as I've tired almost all of them. Wellbutrin I could not tolerate the side effects and Effexor which I'm currently on I'm told are the best ones to take for depression with the least amount of sexual side effects.

I developed high blood pressure in my mid 20's which seems to keep going up the older I get. I think it's genetic because I'm only 105lbs and healthy.

I take Xanax PRN and rarely depending on how stressed I am.

I have not seen a hormone specialist. Oh my gosh this is embarrassing for me.


I respect your courage and candor. We all have issues, so let yourself relax. There is surely a solution to yours and other people can benefit from it.

As far as I can see, the primary suspect meds-wise, is the Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, because it is reported to change vaginal mucosa. But the anti-acne property justifies its use.


My MD and I think it's vagina dryness. Whenever we are intimate I use a ton of KY on both of us. It's the first penatration that is so painful. I'm petite and my husband is almost 200 lbs. But our size difference didn't seem to matter in the beginning of our relationship we were like rabbits but a ton of things have changed since then.


And you had no vaginal pain then, right? Is the current pain muscular, like a cramp, or skin irritation? Do you lubricate deep enough inside? Did he gain a lot of weight?



I do have sexual feelings but I typically will only masterbate about 2-3x's a month with a device and it seems to take forever to actually have an orgasium. I don't know if it's husband-specific but I know I don't desire or fantasize about wanting to be with anyone else.


Good. Sounds wholesome. More masturbation might be a good thing to keep your pipes working, though.



My husband does have Asperger's though as it is very difficult to connect with him on an intimate level emotionally and psychologically.

I can't think of any health issues that would be to blame I know my husband has type I diabetes but that wouldn't change anything sexually.

No we are not really attectionate anymore and no we really don't cuddle anymore. We are in the routine of marriage now.


Now, we're getting somewhere. Neither of you is getting the stimulus, strokes, acknowledgment, admiration, or play you need to feel like a sexual creature. By solving the pain problem, you open the door to your sexual bonding once again. But first things first.



Yes, he knows I tell him EVERYTHING even stuff he doesn't want to know about. I'm the over communicator and he's the under communicator.

Recently, he told me he feels unwanted and it makes me so sad because I would give my life to him. This is why I am asking for help.

OK. The first step is to communicate differently. Stop telling him everything. If you need to talk things out, use your therapist. Your husband is your mate, hopefully to be once again your playmate; but he is not your shrink. Unless he's caring for you, he doesn't need to know your medical details. He needs to know that you want to be intimate with him again, without too much information getting in the way. And he needs to feel that you are horny.

So, the second step is to get your motor running. If you would masturbate more often, and maybe get a new vibrator, you can use the process to relax your genitals, bring blood and natural juices to the area, study your mind, and produce pheromones for him to pick up. If the vaginal pain problem is chronic muscle constriction, you might be able to open that up. If it's marital tedium, you can fantasize about him being aroused (any fantasy will do, as long as he is the leading character) and you can break your routines. If you practice often, you might stay closer to an aroused state, and your body will be more available. You don't have to announce this, just do it and let him discover a new vibe coming from you. Surprise is good.

Next comes touching, being affectionate, showing signs that you like him. Invite him to do something playful. Touch him often. Don't expect an immediate response. Just keep touching him both physically and behaviorally. Make him feel wanted.

You start the process, and he can follow. Your goal is to reignite the flame. Even if he's stuck, you are in motion. Give him time to come around to seeing you differently. Then you've got your routine and his Asperger's to deal with.

Taking each other for granted kills passion for any couple, and set routines promote no surprises. So, do the unexpected! Get him a little imbalanced, just enough to wake him up a little; break your routines but not so much as to produce a backlash from him. Flirt.

As to the Asperger's, I don't have knowledge so can't advise you. But trust that if you take off on a new path to sensuality, and share the pleasure of that path, he might just follow.

That's a start. When you have tried some of that come back for the next steps. Right now, the whole turnaround is on you, but that will change.

If the pain persists, see a hormone specialist.

tao

Also have you tried different positions? I find that certain positions cause me to be sos sore it feels like I'm being ripped apart. Also try some tantric it will help you to connect on an emotional level. If it's a problem you are both trying to work out you can also try paired sex therapy. Hope you work this one out!

Best wishes
Griffers x

Hi Battle Angel, Tao has made some fabulous suggestions and there's not much more that I can say.

I would like to add though, that I was reading an article at the weekend about research that has been conducted on the effects of contraception on the female libido. Apparently the longditudinal research shows that a LARGE percentage of women are affected adversely by contraception in relation to their libidos. It destroys it.

The article was also saying that many women in longer term relationships tend to get aroused as they have sex, rather then being aroused before sex. It's about starting to have sex, and then this creates the arousal.

Just as a further aside, I have also found that KY jelly is not lubricating enough for me, as it is too watery, and I use a water based lubricant from a sex shop. It has made a hell of a difference in terms of reducing the discomfort at the entrance of the vagina.

PS It's a good idea to keep masturbating even if it takes a long time - I've found that using a vibrator on the clitoris provides a stronger sensation, and orgasm 'comes' more easily.