Hi, Ive been reading a few posts on here over the last few weekes and have found it somewhat helpful, but nothiing is exacly the same as what I'm goind though so I was just after a little help...

Right here goes, I'm 23 and up until the christmas just gone I was living quite happy with my girlfriend in my own place (shes 21) we had been together for about 3 1/2 years, then one day she said she wasn't very happy and moved in with here mum and dad for abit, we didn't split up and still stayed together and she stayed over sometimes then after about a month I thought we where getting on well she rang me and said that she wanted to end it which completley destroyed me and to this day I still don't know the reason that she left me.

Ever since I have bin in pieces about it I just can't seem to get my head around it, after a few months I slowly started to get my head around it then a couple of months ago out the blue she rang me on a night out asking if she could stay so of course I wanted this more than anything, so that night she came round and stayed the night, nothing happened we just slept in the same bed, then the following week I sent her some flowers thinking that there might be some hope, this didn't go down well and she said she wasn't intrested and basically stopped talking to me again. So once again I tried so start getting over her.

Then the weekend just gone I had to go to a birthday party that she was going to be at, (we both have the same friends which doesn't not help me one bit) we both had quite a lot to drink and ended up chatting for a while which was nice. But the thing that confuses me the most is that she said to one of my friends that she still loves me and wanted to cry when she saw me.

I just don't know what to think, I don't think she's seeing anyone else, I would love to get back with her more than anything I just don't know what to do now do I try and talk to her abit more or just try and forget about her which hurts so much, I mean its bin 6 months now and I just can't seem to get over her at all.

Thanks for reading any help would be great

Thank you

Tough one. Somebody else pointed out to me that just because she is crying does not mean anything. Girls hate hurting guys. Especially nice guys who have treated them well. It makes them cry. They also hate the change. They miss certain aspects of their old lives. Who wouldn't? Change is tough. People get lonely. I think you have to give her a lot of space and do your best to move on. If she wants to continue to come over and talk, etc. fine but never force it. And don't look eager to have it. If she calls you in the middle of the night and wants to come over, maybe tell her that you can't and hint that there is another girl over. Nothing gets a girl interested like Jealousy.

Tough one. Somebody else pointed out to me that just because she is crying does not mean anything. Girls hate hurting guys. Especially nice guys who have treated them well. It makes them cry. They also hate the change. They miss certain aspects of their old lives. Who wouldn't? Change is tough. People get lonely. I think you have to give her a lot of space and do your best to move on. If she wants to continue to come over and talk, etc., fine but never force it. And dont look eager to have it. If she calls you in the middle of the night and wants to come over, maybe tell her that you can't and hint that there is another girl over. Nothing gets a girl interested like Jealousy.

I was agreeing with you until you started talking about the game playing jealousy crap.

She has caught you with your guard down, and that has given you false hope, and kept those old feelings stirred up.

Read the stickies, at the beginning of this forum, and stop the contact with her altogether for any reason, as you need to let the emotional dust settle and not be used or confused by her actions.

She does it because you allow it. You will get through this if you stop allowing her back in your life. It sets back your own healing, which she doesn't care about.

I know what you mean its just so hard I seem to be thinking about her all the time, seeing her on the stupid Facebook website which I can't stop myself going on just to see what she's doing. All I seem to be able to think about is the good times. And when I saw her the other day I'm sure I can still see something in her eyes its driving me mad, I'm 23 got my own house, nice cars enoght money to live off yet thes makes me depressed every day, I know I have to let it go its just so hard

LOL, stay off her frigging' Facebook!!

Go NC... it's the only thing that will help you get over this girl. Don't answer, don't call, don't look, don't ask. As far as she is concerned, for at least the next year, she has moved to Antarctica and has no telephone. Seriously dude, it will HEAL YOU, which is what you need right now to get yourself back on track. Don't worry about what she is thinking, she is the one who left you, correct? So she obviously was not taking your feelings into consideration when she did that. Let her live her life, you live yours and MAYBE someday, you can be friends... but that is not going to be for a long time.

LOL, stay off her frigging' facebook!!!

Yes Facebook and myspace are the devil when it comes to breakups.

Im really not sure if this no contavt thing is even possible, most of my best friends, girlfriends anre best friends with my ex and even some of my friends are friendss with her. It so hard not to hear about her and stuff, I can't just get rid of all my friends and sit at home on my own every night, this is such a disaster :(

You need your own life, go get one. NC is simple, you are polite, but brief, and do not engage in personal conversations about the relationship with her, or any mutual friends, and be firm, and quick, to remind them you don't want to hear about the ex, or what she does. Your fixing to find out how your friends feel about you, and her, and who's a friend, and who's NOT!

Threads merged

Hi all, not been on for a while and I thought id share my latest problem as its driving me insane!

Found out last night that my ex girlfriend is with someone new, don't know how serious but it really hurts as I still have a lot of feelings for her we had kept in reasonable contact through the last 8 months since we split up (she left me). I coulnt sleep at all last night and the thought of her with someone else makes me feel so sick I just don't no what I'm going to do. I'm really good friends with her parents still, I go round her sister and boyfriends all the time and go out with them a lot. Am I going to loose all this now?

Any advice would be much appriciated thank you

Im sorry to say this but it seems like she is over you.
How long was it that you had been with her exactly?
8 months is a long time to get over someone and I understand that its hard getting over someone you once loved/had feeling for but if she doesn't feel the same way for you as you do for her you are just wasting your time. I think that you should just try your best to get over her as she has gotten over you.
Maybe start hanging out with other friends other then her sister and boyfriends as it might cause conflict, but still keep in touch?

Im sorry to say this but it seems like she is over you.
How long was it that you had been with her exactly?
8 months is a long time to get over someone and i understand that its hard getting over someone you once loved/had feeling for but if she doesn't feel the same way for you as you do for her you are just wasting your time. I think that you should just try your best to get over her as she has gotten over you.
Maybe start hanging out with other friends other then her sister and boyfriends as it might cause conflict, but still keep in touch?


We were together for 3 1/2 years and lived together for 3 of them, it was messy when we broke up because she didn't give me a reason and just left, but through the whole break up a lot of people told me that she had said whe still loved me, she still rings me when she has problems and needs someone to talk to from time to time. I'm just so angry inside I feel just like I'm nothing and nobody cares

I think if she still loved you she wouldn't be with someone else she would be with you, or she would try and work things out so that you two could be together again. 3 1/2 years is a longgg time and you do deserve some explanation if you haven't already gotten one.
Keep in mind she could be just keeping you off to the side just in case this relationship doesn't work out, she knows that you still love her and if it doesn't work out with her and her new boyfriend she knows you would be there to swoop her off her feet, then when she gets bored of you she might just do the same thing. Like a rebound boy or something.
I understand how you feel and that you are very angry and frustrated but believe me things get better in the long run.
I would suggest stopping contact with her, constantly talking to her isn't helping your situation, and start hanging out with other friends who aren't linked to her or won't speak about her! Good Luck :)

Yeah I suppose, its so much easier said than done though, believe me I don't want it to be like this I want to get over her, I mean she's ruined my head for the last 8 months I should hate her for what she has done to me I just can't seem to get my head to think that way :(

Believe me I understand how you feel. I once dated this guy for a year (its nothing close to 31/2 years but its all I got) and he broke my heart, (I cried for weeks.. :eek:) and decided to string me along like a puppet for a full year having random hook ups then telling me he doesn't want me, but I would always let him come back to me, he would date new girls and once they broke up he would come back to me and I would let him. Finally I decided to end it and stopped contacting him all together, my friends were sick of listening to it, my parents were sick of me doing it, and everyone thought of me like I was the rebound girl. Finally I started dating a bit, it took me awhile to trust guys again but eventually I came to realize that I truly didn't need my ex, I realized that if I kept going on like that I would soon go crazy or have some sort of a breakdown. Once I found that there were more fish in the sea, I found that it was easier and easier getting over him!

Thanks for that it is very helpful, I know what I need to do I'm just not quite sure how long I need to get over this, I know this sounds crazy but I can't even think of being with/looking at other girls because I don't think I can't ever take the pain of what I have been through over the last year ever again and I'm only 24. Trust is such a big issue with me one moment you mean everything to someone then the next they don't care at all, I could never do that to anyone yet it seems to happen to me an awful lot

I understand
You just have to take it day by day, step by step, eventually you will get to where you want to be!
Trusting someone is very hard to do after going through such difficult times (usually takes me monthss to be able to trust someone) and maybe don't just jump into a new relationship but start slowly, just meet new girls, talk to them get to know them, branch out a bit. You will get to where you want to be it just takes time :)

Well time is something I seem to have plenty of now, luckily I have a good job so that keeps busy in the day. My main issue I purely my mind I can sit here thinking about how to make things better but when my mind starts wandering back to her again I start to feel crap again its like one massive circle that I keep going round and round in, I'm abit concerned how its been 8 months and I'm still not over her I have actually convinced myself that I'm going to be in this much pain and upset for a very long long time

Make sure you keep yourself busy, surround yourself with friends and family. Keep telling yourself things will get better. We all react differently to breakups some times it takes longer for others, and other times its really quick and easy. One day you will forget why you went through being so upset over her and realize that life goes on, you will eventually move on but you are still in the process of healing so keep it slow and steady and don't let your mind stray off course!

I still have a lot of feelings for her we had kept in reasonable contact through the last 8 months since we split up (she left me).

That contact you've had. Just serves to keep the feelings stirred up, and remind you of what you had. That has to stop.

This is just getting crazy now I'm getting so wound up all the time my blood is boiling I just don't know how I'm going to get over this, I hate her so much for what she has done to me yet I still care about her so much surely the is away I can get through this. Im struggling to get through the days without breaking down and at work that's not good in the environment I'm in. I start to cheer up then think about her with someone else and bang I'm ready to break down again!!

More help needed please :(

Relax as the point of the whole NC thing is for you to develop the coping skills to get through the tough times life throws at you. While at work, focus on work. Don't say can't, just do it. Do your job, that you get paid for, and make sure you do it well.

That's what made Michael Jordan a great player, he focused on what he had to do, and just did it. FOCUS!!

Just keep your mind busy hang out with positive friends and every time she pops into your mind immediately think of something else! You have to chill out, because you will feel better eventually, and I know the eventually part sucks and it can be a slow process but you'll get there just believe in yourself! And like talaniman said FOCUS :)

Just keep your mind busy hang out with positive friends and every time she pops into your mind immediately think of something else! You have to chill out, because you will feel better eventually, and i know the eventually part sucks and it can be a slow process but you'll get there just believe in yourself! And like talaniman said FOCUS :)


Today's update------

Well last night I lost my temper and started texting my ex asking why she hadn't told me about this guy she was seeing(I know she didn't have to but I thought I deserved it) and after a few texts she said the had only just met him 2 weeks ago and that nothing had really happened yet. I was kind of hoping this would end in her telling me its none of my business and to get lost, but know I get this as a reply-

To be honest this sounds horrible but I can't cope with this at this time I'm already completely stressed out too much if you need to talk I need a couple of weeks there's too much going on for me and I can't comprehend anymore.im sorry you found the break up so difficultbut its still early days for me and I can't stay how I was because you feel this way.


Sooo then what the hell does that mean I don't understand at all I've shown my friend and they don't know either so I thought I would ask on here and then I'm going to ring her in a few hours and ask her what the hell it means!

Thanks

It means, leave her alone, and get over yourself, as what she does is her business, and none of your concern, and you are way out of line questioning how she does her thing, and leave her alone, and get some business of your own.

I highly suggest you stop pursuing this line of questioning, and do as she wants, LEAVE HER ALONE, she owes you NOTHING!

I find this very immature of you, and an excuse for not doing what you need to for yourself.

You don't understand because your not listening.

Every bit of information you are seeking from her will not be anything helpful to you. As a matter of fact, it will most likely hurt you more. Stop contacting her and making the situation between you two worse and start getting on with doing you own thing.

Please understand that its exactly as tal has written in his latest post.you need to step away from this and start to heal yourself.

Im sorry but it sounds like she just wants you to leave her alone, she sounds like she is stressed out and confused and putting you in the picture is just making it worse. Maybe just try and delete her out of your life, her phone number, Facebook, myspace, msn what ever else so that it will stop you from contacting her, because clearly it is not good for either of you. Im sorry :(

I know I need to listen to this but its so hard, it would have been easier if she just told me to get lost and leave her alone but she didn't in a straight forward way, its all this dribble that means nothing that confuses me in that text message she said about needing to talk, I don't know what there is to talk about.

I can see where the lack of communications came from.

Tal- I can see it as well.

L85- "told me to get lost and leave her alone" That was exactly what she was telling you, but in a nice way. She didn't want to be mean or as straight forward but wrote it in plain english. I am sorry and I know it hurts but its seems as if she is done and wants to be left alone. I am sure she still cares about you just not in the same way she used to. Let it go. For you and for her.

You are searching for an answer that you already know deep down... She doesn't want to be with you dude.

You will continue to do this self-destruct cycle... I've been there, until you realize this.

So I will do it for you...


(L85's EX-girlfriend who is now seeing someone else) = "I do not love you. I am not with you. I have made my choice. Now leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you, unless you want to submit to being my doormat, or maybe someone that can help me move my furniture when I move, or someone that can help me whenever I need help. Just don't expect me to do the same to you. I will treat you however you let yourself to be treated by me... which right now is dirt."

There, now you can start rebuilding your life. Just forget about her. No contact. I predict you will be back in the saddle in about 3 months, possibly another relationship within the year... no promises. Until then, just have fun, build the life you love. This EX GIRLFRIEND is not worth your precious time. Time is the only limited resource in life. Think of it as that.

Sorry but the others are right, she just wants you to leave her alone. I know its hard but you need to begin the healing process, you need to delete her out of you life like I said before stop contacting her (as hard as it may be it needs to be done) She has moved on and is telling you to move on.

Right then... I rang her last night to try and get some real closure finally and sort of got some but it will do for me, I was on the phone for about 30mins and in this time she did say we would never ger back together- so I'm going to leave it there now and somehow try and sort my head out, even thow she said this I tried to force her to say she didn't have any feelings or still care but she just wouldn't which was rather anoying, and at the end of the call she said ringer her if I ever need to talk- which I won't.

I am still rather confused about all of it but now know I need to leave her alone.

Thanks for everyone's advice its been a big help.

I will probably be asking another question soon asking how to stop going mad, but time will tell

You won't go mad-you ve just taken the first steps on a path that will lead you to-you! :-)

I know it sucks man, esp when its not something you want but all you can do is move on. I mean you don't have any other choice you know. It will get better with time. Just stay strong.

Im happy for you stay strong and don't worry you are now able to start finally healing :)

Threads merged

Right I'm sure most of you read my post about me splitting up with my ex girlfriend of 4 years, 9 months ago and how I was getting mixed signals from her, heard that she was with someone new and basically couldn't get over her etc etc.

Obviously I still have a lot of feelings for her but I have decided to go for complete no contact after such along time of it eating me up inside I just can't handle it anymore, So I deactivated my Facebook account which was the main source of all my pain in seeing her on there all the time, I know I'm still going to here a lot about her from other people but I will cross that hurdle when it happens.

But what I want to ask now is...

How long has it taken people to get over the ex's using NC and by that I mean you see them walking down the street with some one new and you literally don't care at all and don't give it a second thought, obviously this is different for everyone but I would like to hear some storys if anyone has any..

Thanks Again folks this website is a great help :)

I'm going to tell you my opinion only. In my opinion when you see someone that you love old feelings will enter your mind. The degree of pain will have a lot to do with how long it has been since you split. Also, my opinion when you go NC things are left unsaid to a degree. I don't like NC, only because I can only get over the relationship and move on after getting out what I have to say I find closure that way. Asking questions and understanding the whys? I might go for a couple of weeks and not speak or have much to say, but in order to put things in their proper perspective and move forward I have to ask questions and have some answered. Helps me resolve things quicker.
Just me...

Took roughly 9 months to get over her completely... now, actually seeing her out with another guy, I haven't had to cross that bridge yet. I know she is dating another guy, but as far as me seeing the two together, not sure how I would react. I am certain it isn't something I am in a hurry to see. Time is different for everyone... the important thing is how you spend that time.

When I was dumped by my first 'love' it took me at least 6 months to get over him with no contact. It has now been 2 years and we are friends now and believe it or not but HE is the one who still thinks back on our relationship and how he misses it, which makes me feel even better because I KNOW that even when he wants me I don't want him!

Everyone is different. I saw my ex at a baseball game back in June, 8 months after I found out she was dating someone else. Luckily the new guy wasn't there because I would have had a terrible time dealing with it. Now that I'm 10 months in... I still feel the same way. I would say I'm about 95% over her. However, if I see her again, at this point I know that old memories would come back, but the pain associated with them would not be nearly as strong as 10 months ago.

I'm almost completely over her. Just need a little more time. I think eventually you do get over an ex. It just takes a while.

After 6 months of my xboyfriend breaking up with me , I still keep on breaking NC, the longest I've gone NC has been 2 weeks and I've failed by texting him again and again. It is so hard to let go of someone that you still care for, especially when that someone gives you false hopes of a FUTURE together.

Well so far I've managed about 3 weeks of complete no contact, which hasn't been to bad even though I really still want her, which is obviously a waste of time now she has some one new, the problem I'm now having is I keep having dreams about her, sometimes we are still together and sometimes she is with someone else but whatever the dream I keep waking up feeling horrible for hours as I have all these thoughts in my head. And I just want to know how to make it stop? I can make myself think such awful stuff just from a dream! Help please

They re dreams and even though you wake up hurting the best thing is to continue getting on with your life. Breakups hurt sometimes for quite some time but if we allow ourselves to move on and heal the pain will go away.

And I want to add three weeks of no contact is very good.well done!

Three weeks is great but give yourself some more time. It is still a bit fresh and the dreams are sort of a way for your brain letting you know it is still fresh. Be patient and work through this! This isn't a fast process, but it is a necessary one.

True we can't sweep anything under the carpet.

This is getting silly now, last night was the 5th night in a row I've had dreams about her, its like if I try not to think about her I have dreams about her. I thought I was doing quite well up till now, heavy drinking isn't working!

Break,
Up grade yourself.
You will get better couple later.

No drinking doesn't help at all.Alcohol is a depressant.try going for a run or some such activity that will take your mind of things and will also make you feel better.time IS the great healer believe me.pain comes and goes but one day it will be gone.

this is getting silly now, last night was the 5th night in a row ive had dreams about her, its like if i try not to think about her i have dreams about her. I thought i was doing quite well up till now, heavy drinking isnt working! !

I had nightmares for weeks. If you are having bad dreams you can try to change them. If they are recurring or a similar theme, you can do things like think about an alternative ending to the dream and practice it in your mind before falling to sleep. Probably the most important thing is to be relaxed when you go to bed - which could be from exercising earlier in the day, meditation, or even listening to music. I find the easiest way to relax is to play racquetball - something about hitting that little blue ball as hard as I can! I always end up so calm afterwards. If you can find something to rid the stress from your mind and body, you'll be much better off. Drinking isn't going to help much, but have you ever tried melatonin? It's also very calming and helps you to sleep better.

this is getting silly now, last night was the 5th night in a row ive had dreams about her, its like if i try not to think about her i have dreams about her. I thought i was doing quite well up till now, heavy drinking isnt working! !

To put things in perspective for you, I had an extremely vivid dream about my ex last night. It has been a year since we broke up, but I mean this dream was real. I woke up with my eyes moist. I could almost feel what it was like holding her, what she smelled like, everything. It happens man, regardless of the time, sometimes it just happens.

What always worked for me (and I know they tell you not to do this), but exercising REALLY hard before bed, then taking a hot bath with relaxing music... I would then melt to bed, literally. I was exhausted but had peaked my body up then calmed it down. Take a couple of aspirin if you need after the workout. Just drain yourself physically and you will be amazed at how that works.

During a break up we tend to overwhelm ourselves mentally, which can have a damaging effect on us. If you just pound yourself (figuratively) and push and push your physical limits, not only will it exhaust you to a good night's sleep, it will make your body better and increase yourself esteem.

I always found that using the anger and sadness and even depression to push myself would just work wonders in the long run. I did the drinking thing for awhile but at some point it just hits you like a ton of bricks and you say to yourself, "I am not going to let this thing beat me...I refuse to." It's like that old saying, "Why do we fall?"... "So we can learn to pick ourselves back up."

Im so annoyed! I've managed to do complete no contact for about 6 weeks now and really thought I was starting to get somewhere except I bupmed into my ex today, I didn't say anything to her I just turned the other way and left quickly but its proper messed my mind up now I've got all these thoughts in my mind again I'm so annoyed, I just can't see this ever ending for me I feel so down again now. Help me please! Anyone!

It will end, you ve had a temporary set back and you ll get over this in a little while.

Im so annoyed!! ive managed to do complete no contact for about 6 weeks now and really thought i was starting to get somewhere exept i bupmed into my ex today, i didnt say anything to her i just turned the other way and left quickly but its propper messed my mind up now ive got all these thoughts in my mind again im so annoyed, i just can't see this ever ending for me i feel so down again now. help me please! anyone!

That happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't talked to my ex for over a month and wasn't really thinking about him, but went out dancing with my girlfriends and he was there. It got to me, too - all that night and the next morning. The best thing to do is anything but think about it - do something productive. I went out for a run with a friend the next morning, and came back refreshed. What happened to you is normal. Don't let it get you down. :)