I've made the most awful mistake and emotionally attacked my partner (now ex, who's gone forever) who mostly only wanted to be loved for who he is and be trusted. He made mistakes and I'm still unsure we could have had much more than we did, yet I let him down in the worse possible way through the most viscious and awful public accusations that I now realise were never true - that he actually stayed faithful to me throughout our entire relationship and is now alone. He's turned away from forever and I can't blame him.

If I could take it all back, I would. Sadly, that's the price I've had to pay for a heart that hasn't yet learned how to love. Where do I begin to learn how to trust someone and not push them away?

Oh frangy, I hardly know what to say to you. There was a hint of this in a previous post of yours a few months ago, I think. Maybe not, but I just remember something like that.

I don't know the circumstances of your outburst, and won't even begin tright now to offer any kind of advice because your heart has to lead you. Maybe you will mend your fences and he will come back to you.

Kindest regards

Tick

You're always the sweetest person tickle, you have such a good heart. I've now been able to tell him I'm sorry I lost him, but he walked away and isn't coming back. I do think that's what he wanted since had he really wanted us to be together for always, he could have that. He always ran hot and cold himself and is distancer... very high maintenance. I mostly regret the way I pushed him away as hard as I did (emotionally) to close the door on us forever. I'm not sure that was necessary now and regret that very much. He really did deserve much better than that.

I don't know...

I hope you have time on your side and some good friends near you to compensate, somewhat, for this loss.

Tick

It's so tragic isn't it that we have to learn about ourselves and other people the hard, hard way sometimes?

You ask how you can learn to love and trust others and move through this difficult situation. I would reply that firstly and primarily you must learn to love and trust yourself.

These are the things that you say about yourself and your now defunct relationship:


.. emotionally attacked my partner
.. I let him down in the worse possible way
.. the most viscious and awful public accusations that I now realise were never true -
... he actually stayed faithful to me throughout our entire relationship

I would suggest that you need to do some very deep soul searching and examine your need to distrust, hurt and push away your partners. Clearly you don't believe you are worthy of love and trust. There may be good reasons for this - you may have had abusive relationships in the past and be unable to maintain healthy connections with your partners. In the face of your sorrow, look at the situation with a more expansive and compassionate vision. What can I learn here? What is needed?

Whatever the reasons, please know that it IS possible to change.

Your moods and emotions are driven by your thoughts. And thoughts can be changed.

You have choices. Notice what you are choosing to talk about, read, listen to and believe.

Being considerate and kind to others is essential to your future growth and maturity. Listen closely to how you speak to other people; watch how you listen.

Liberate yourself from endless self-focus.

The first step is to choose to learn from this experience.

Choose to change.

Choose to trust.

I can be all those things, and yet failed in the end when a lot of frustrated pent up emotion came out in an uncontrollable gush! :)

I actually believe I had good reasons to feel hurt and betrayed. Even though no physical barrier had been crossed, there was a betrayal of trust that I couldn't accept. And throughout our relationship it almost seemed he consciously said to himself, 'treat her mean, keep her keen' so that he could feel comfortable and control in our relationship, that wasn't much fun for me. None-the-less, it's true that as soon as I stopped loving him under difficult circumstances, I lost something very special.

I wish I had known how to say 'it's not okay for you to treat me this way no matter how much I love you, and I somehow need it to stop this game as it isn't good for me and then not let his reaction get to me -- as I know he would have withdrawn his affection and just ignored what I said, waiting for me to make the adjustment of letting him back in my life more on his terms... less on mine.

I couldn't have avoided feeling as angry and hurt as I did... I only wish I had more self control and not completely lost it with him so that when we finally calmed down and started to get on with our own lives, we could have been left with good feelings for each other and a lot of happy memories, instead of both of us being so hurt and bitter towards each other.

I won't trust myself until I can prove to myself that I can handle strong emotions without losing it.

Just noticed how self-focussed all that is :)

I agree with the others and is there any possible way that you can ask him to forgive you, you know you were 100% wrong, want to make it up, you are willing to go to counselling, can you have another chance, etc...

I've told him how sorry I am and that I hope he can forgive me one day.

He had already walked away before I got frantic and I guess that's why I went a little crazy at the time... he ignored me for over a week and over the mothers day weekend. He still may have held on to some hope we could make it work at that time, as he said, but it hadn't been working for either of us for a while.

He's also told me I hadn't caused much damage by anything I said about him as he was able to explain it away. He was hurt and disgusted though... and it killed the relationship.

I then stumbled across his profile on a dating site last week where he put his best self forward. It was only a few weeks after we were together the last time, so I was devastated and got angry with him all over again. He said he really didn't want to hear from me and to leave him alone. He was over it.

He oddly then he arrived on a site I was on only two days ago where I've wrote I was only looking for friendship... I was trying to stay sane by talking with other people. He used a photo on that site I use to keep in my room and did sketches of him from. He knew how much that photo meant to me and it was from a trip we took together last September. His caption said he was 'looking for my true partner' and instead of being confident, he was all meek and humble, saying how dumb he is. Oddly, he appeared on my matches page and we were matched at 96% compatibility. I kind of melted and wrote to tell him how sad I was I lost him and I'll always miss him. I also told him if he was hoping to give someone what he couldn't give me, I would have to leave that space. He said he was sorry I felt that way and wished me the best.

If he loved me, he would have been with me instead of searching for someone else and dating other women. It's that simple.

I'm finding it really hard at the moment, but I know I have to let go.

It doesn't sound like he accidentally stumbled on that site and with that pic. I think he feels the way you do "if she loves me she wont go rushing into anything" sounds like you guys had a good thing going and now you'r BOTH trying to test the grounds.in order for him to feel like he's tested the situation to the fullest he wants to make you feel completely left out.I would suggest staying single for awhile and focusing on making your life run as smooth as possible,look for a chance meeting coming you'r way were he's CHECKING in on you.be prepared and looking your best if you want this guy back if not strike everything I just said.. good luck

The situation is more complex than you'd originally indicated - isn't it always!

You are right - it sounds as if he's ready to move on, and sadly you may have to accept that.

It sounds as if you were both withholding and controlling in your own ways. Your outburst was probably the result of holding back on many many things - including feeling that you needed to be kept at arm's length.

We always have 20/20 vision in hindsight and I suspect that your current feelings are more about the loss of the relationship (and your guilt regarding what has triggered it), rather then the loss of the person.

Are you sure that the relationship was healthy and you were able to be you in it?

No, I don't actually believe it was healthy and there were times when I could hardly breath under the weight of his negativity... I had to be on my absolute best behaviour at times to have his slightest approval and get any love I wanted. I mostly felt our relationship was built around making his life as convenient, comfortable and hassle free as possible. His temper and lack of tolerance over the slightest thing also got progressively worse over time... and I could see it was only going to get worse.

It's possible he has a problem with alcoholism, although I'm not sure since he only needs a couple of glasses everyday and I never actually saw him drunk. Yet I know he couldn't go without that drink at the end of the day.

When he wants to, he can be incredibly sweet, loving and supportive.. and very funny. Overall he was been very good to me, especially with the big things that are really important in life, like keeping your home (he gave me a second job and made sure I was financially okay and could eventually stand on my own feet). I had a lot of respect for him because of that and the way he looked after his children. But he is also unpredictable, and seemed to like to keep his options open by keeping me at a safe distance and our relationship firmly under his control. He was hardly there for the little things and apart from spending quality together on holidays, we didn't actually spend that much time together. He had a lot of free time on his hands.

You're right, I'm grieving the loss of our relationship and all the hope I held onto about a cosy and happy future together, more than actually missing being with him anymore (although I still do miss him). It just isn't much fun being with someone who only wants to see you when it suits them and no, I couldn't be myself as it never seemed quite good enough. I'm devastated he is moving on with his life without me... as it kind of confirms I was more a convenience to him, rather than any great love.

I guess it's also possible I have a problem with being controlling... wanting things a certain way for it to fall into place for me, whereas I just thought I was a very nice and responsible person... maybe none of us is that simple :)

I'm rambling eh.

Your better off without him.
Even with a bad relationship there is still a hugh sense of loss but time will heal.
Make your life complete without a guy that is always the best medicine.

No, I don't actually believe it was healthy and there were times when I could hardly breath under the weight of his negativity... I had to be on my absolute best behaviour at times to have his slightest approval and get any love I wanted. I mostly felt our relationship was built around making his life as convenient, comfortable and hassle free as possible. His temper and lack of tolerance over the slightest thing also got progressively worse over time..... and I could see it was only going to get worse.

It's possible he has a problem with alcoholism, although I'm not sure since he only needs a couple of glasses everyday and I never actually saw him drunk. Yet I know he couldn't go without that drink at the end of the day.

When he wants to, he can be incredibly sweet, loving and supportive.. and very funny. Overall he was been very good to me, especially with the big things that are really important in life, like keeping your home (he gave me a second job and made sure I was financially okay and could eventually stand on my own feet). I had a lot of respect for him because of that and the way he looked after his children. But he is also unpredictable, and seemed to like to keep his options open by keeping me at a safe distance and our relationship firmly under his control. He was hardly there for the little things and apart from spending quality together on holidays, we didn't actually spend that much time together. He had a lot of free time on his hands.

You're right, I'm grieving the loss of our relationship and all the hope I held onto about a cosy and happy future together, more than actually missing being with him anymore (although I still do miss him). It just isn't much fun being with someone who only wants to see you when it suits them and no, I couldn't be myself as it never seemed quite good enough. I'm devastated he is moving on with his life without me... as it kind of confirms I was more a convenience to him, rather than any great love.

I guess it's also possible I have a problem with being controlling.... wanting things a certain way for it to fall into place for me, whereas I just thought I was a very nice and responsible person ... maybe none of us is that simple :)

I'm rambling eh.

Not rambling, just reflecting, as I see it. When you first posted, you talked about what sounded like the perfect man - but now as you keep adding bits it seems as if he was negative, withholding and controlling. You are never quite good enough when you're with people like him - and in the end some of that conviction seeps into your bones.

I suspect he may be a bit of a narcissist - many people have elements of this disorder, and it may reassure you to know that it is impossible to get close to them.

What's important, as time goes on and you feel more up to it, is to look at why you were with someone that was negative, withholding and controlling. I know there were good bits, but our relationships are always reflections of what we feel about ourselves. The good and the bad bits. Since the bad bits were awful for you, you may want to ask what it tells you about yourself and use that knowledge for your interactions with future partners.

There has to be something good that comes out of these difficult times!

I have the feeling he is very insecure after having lost a number of significant partners in his life and is genuinely hurt when someone eventually turns away from him. I imagine he's hurting at the moment but is putting on a brave face of bluster and sophistication and is hoping the first flushes of a new romance will make him feel good again.

Had he been prepared to develop our relationship into something we could both want, it would have been different. Right now, if he came to me acknowledging emotional responsibility, I would certainly listen. Because he is never wanting to admit to making a mistake, I can't see that being possible.

Until he's prepared to share his life in a meaningful way with a woman, any woman with enough self respect will eventually walk away. Narcisistic probably fits... emotionally shallow and selfish is how I would describe him to be at the moment.

I wish I had a crystal ball at the beginning of our relationship... there was a physical attraction and a chemistry, he knows how to manage his material affairs which I can respect, he's a good father and shares a lot of similar values to myself. When we started our relationship, a lot of his distancing and wanting to keep his options open seemed reasonable, as we were both being cautious. After almost two years, it stopped making sense and was obviously part of a deeper issue.

I still feel guilty for losing my temper and self respect in the end... I could have been better myself.

It seems as though both of you seemed to have hurt each other in more than one way. People attack the people they love most, it is something that has happened forever. We do this because we think that they will always be there.

However, for some who aren't bonded by blood (not family, partners mostly), these attacks can become weary. It seems as though he has been hurt before and was protecting himself from being hurt by kind of withdrawing from you. Emotions play a strong role in how we conduct ourselves, especially emotions about relationships.

You became angry that he was distant, and you lashed out at him, which is understandable and most people would do it in that situation. It's not the right thing to do, but it's what humans do, we aren't after all by any measure perfect. Your emotions are what drive you and this could have a long lasting effect on you. I would agree that ending the relationship would be best, but don't let this relationship effect you like his past relationships affected him. Love again one day, and don't let this hold you back, or else you may see that you will be put in the same situation.

However, for some who aren't bonded by blood (not family, partners mostly), these attacks can become weary. It seems as though he has been hurt before and was protecting himself from being hurt by kind of withdrawing from you.

...don't let this relationship effect you like his past relationships affected him. Love again one day, and don't let this hold you back, or else you may see that you will be put in the same situation.

Yes, I do understand that... and I did let him down by lashing out and criticising him which is what he feared the most, and possibly the last thing he expected or hoped for from me. He did say he was absolutely shocked.

I caught him out in a lie and an act of betrayal that went to the core of our relationship, and it's that more than anything else why I believe he doesn't feel he can face me anymore.

I found it really hard to let go of our relationship because what I feared most if I lost him, is that I might not have it in me to trust or love again. Although I'm not ready for romance at the moment and am still sobbing over him (d'oh)... I'll always want someone special to share my life with and hope that happens one day... we all want to find that special person.

Yes, I do understand that.... and I did let him down by lashing out and criticising him which is what he feared the most, and possibly the last thing he expected or hoped for from me. He did say he was absolutely shocked.

I caught him out in a lie and an act of betrayal that went to the core of our relationship, and it's that more than anything else why I believe he doesn't feel he can face me anymore.

I found it really hard to let go of our relationship because what I feared most if I lost him, is that I might not have it in me to trust or love again. Although I'm not ready for romance at the moment and am still sobbing over him (d'oh).... I'll always want someone special to share my life with and hope that happens one day... we all want to find that special person.

Yes we all do want someone special. :) But there is one saying that is said time and time again, but it still holds true, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." You are sad at this time, but things will get better if you want them too. You have time to sob now, and sob for as long as you feel you need too. However, as I said in my last post, don't let it get to the point to where you feel as though you can never love again.

We've both calmed down a lot and tonight he replied to my email saying he doesn't need to dig very deep to forgive me, that he's always thought well of me and always will. I did put him in a horrible position of having to defend himself and me... where he felt very small and untrusted.

It's still painful letting go, but that's as much as I want from him now. His reasons and mine for our relationship ending are so far away from each other it's almost unbelievable to me. I feel as if a multitude of lies have been covered over... yet it's something I can't take responsibility for and I also have to let go of needing what I believe to be the truth being acknowledged. I guess that's something we all want too, eh :)

Still, I am glad I can move on knowing he's forgiven me for the very real wrong I did to him. And that he could use a caring tone with me again was very reassuring. There is no going back for either of us though, that's for sure :)

When I was going through a divorce there was a few events that happen in the marriage where she had lied that I was consumed with wanting to know the truth about.In time I realized that for one she was NEVER going to let the truth out and it felt better to be civil and caring than how it would feel knowing the truth about something.so when you'r talking about lies being covered up the old saying is "careful what you ask for" what you feeling now is way better than knowing any of the truths in my opinion

Yep... I certainly catch your drift... you will NEVER get the truth out of someone like that, and don't worry, I'm not asking him for the truth anymore. It wasn't until I caught him out in a big fat lie that he hasn't been able to face me since, or even acknowledge I know. It's been very threatening for him to have been discovered in a blatant lie, as he would often get on his high horse at the slightest questioning of his integrity... blahhh... it's his problem now, not mine.

I think that what you described as being the original cause of him leaving, isn't all your fault.

He sounds like the type of man that would be hard to sit at the kitchen table with and discuss serious personal issues or troubles.

Maybe the both of you were sticking your fingers in the dyke to hold back the water, and inevitably it was going to collapse.

You sound a lot more settled in the finality of the end of the relationship. As time goes on, you will realize that what was needed to keep the relationship going, was never there in the first place.

I can clearly see you already putting it all together intelligently, and moving on.

When you begin to really enjoy your freedom and independence again, I hope for you that you relish every moment, keep the past in the past where it belongs, and be grateful that things happened the way they did now, instead of 10 years from now.

hi Jake, there was a lot of genuine love and passion throughout our relationship, as well as a number of major reasons it couldn't work out. From my side, I actually knew not long after Christmas I would never marry him or live with him, yet fought the urge at the time as it seemed so irrational and almost stupid.

At that time I had serious doubts out of a strong instinct to want to protect my daughter... there is a history of suicidality amongst his children and both ex's and it all happened under his roof. Yet I didn't blame him for any of that and honestly believed he was just unfortunate to have mated with women who suffered severe depression, and who let his children down by abandoning and mistreating them. He seemed like the hero trying to keep everything and everyone together. I admired that about him, and still do to a certain extent, as I witnessed a lot of the emotional blackmailing that went on around him and could see he was often the victim. I was sometimes worried about him.

However, that didn't take away from the fact I was seriously concerned about the sort of family environment my daughter may have eventually been made to confront and adjust to... and the isolation she would have felt living on a property where she could no longer walk to a friend's home. That, and the way he withheld his affection so often and his temper, made me want to sit down with him a number of times to let him know it wasn't working. He obviously had his doubts too, but for different reasons.

Discovering he had lied to me and betrayed me for such a long time by secretly staying in touch with his ex girlfriend who is a total maniac (very scary woman), and discovering she invited him for that drink anytime.. you name the hotel, place and time... made me realise I could never trust her, or him. It dawned on me there is a culture of lies he is use to... and possibly many lies I would never know about.

I do believe him when he says he was faithful to me the whole time we were together - meaning he never slept with another woman. I was someone safe for him and he did value that... he actually craved that sort of stability with a partner. He thinks of me as a 'nice' and 'good' person.

When it comes to actually letting go, it's very painful and we're never too sure, so we oscillate... not sure it can ever be done gracefully, although I guess a few people manage it. A part of me wanted to shut the door on him so hard that he would never try to get back in my life again... as I also felt he would have liked the convenience of oscillating back and forth with me as long as it suited him. I wasn't prepared to let him do that to me. So it was me, as much as him, who wanted it to end. Only I think I was more "in love" with him than he ever was with me.

I did an unthinkable thing to him in the end and know there must have been a better way of going about it. Less public, so less likely to make me look stupid too!

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful wishes, Jake. I do appreciate it :)

You're very welcome, I'm sure you're going to be just fine.

I looked through those pictures, and said 'wow' more than once. What a gorgeous place, and awesome pictures.

(we're still dealing with frost in the morning lol)

I need a holiday or to get away for the weekend, Jake lol!