I have been seeing a married man for over a year. It started purely sexual but now I have developed love for him.

He has been with his wife for 10yrs, marries one year and the whole time he has been with her he has cheated on her (not making justifactions for my actions)

I am very happy with our situation. I see him once a week, we have a great time and then he goes home. I do not want to take him away from his wife. I know he loves her very much. I know I will never be her an to be honest, I don't want it.

I like the safety of him because I know it can never be anything more than what it is now and right now, its great. I love the time alone. A single man would demand more of my time and I don't want to give any more up
.
Am I horrible for doing this? I try to justify it by thinking, that I'm not the married one, its his marriage, but for selfish reasons, it suirs me perfectly. I love my lifa and am vry happy with every aspect of it.. is that wrong?

suirs= suits

Well, you're living a lie aren't you?

Of course it's not OK. He's a serial cheater and the very fact that you're having a relationship with him, makes you complicit in it. He's a cheater and so are you.

Clearly you have little sense of self worth and integrity if you get your sense of completeness in life by relating to men who cheat on their wives.

I'm sure the current arrangement is convenient and easy for you both because you can live in denial and neither of you have to deal with your incapacity to commit and to be honest with yourselves.

Ask yourself this one question - if you are SO happy with your situation, why do you need to write into this forum to get the opinion of others?

Yes you are horrible,

You are thinking of your convenience.
What about his wife and the lie you are causing her to live. Sure he may be a serial cheater but it doesn't make you any less guilty

Well, you're living a lie aren't you?


Ask yourself this one question - if you are SO happy with your situation, why do you need to write into this forum to get the opinion of others?

The reason I asked this question is because up until this point I had not reallt thought about it. Not until a married friend of mine and I had an argument about it.. I had no feelings on the matter so was looking for other opinions.

As I can see, people here are pretty narrow minded.

I don't know his wife, I don't want to know his wife, Yes he has been cheatin on her for 10years and mostly with prostitutes. If anything, him seeing me is a lot better than that. He has moved up in the world. No longer is his money wasted, he can now buy his wife more.

The relationship I have with him is the most honest I've ever experienced. He tells me about his sex addiction, and I can talk to him about anything. He doesn't lie to me, he tell sme he loves his wife very much and I try and help him with some of the problems they have. Hell at the moment I helping him learn his wife menstrual cycle so they can start having babies..

Im not being selfish. Im not forcing his wife to live a lie. He is. He doesn't love me, I know this and Im happy with this. It sounds like you people are making me out to be the .

Never under any circumstances do you ever have an affair with a married man it makes you just as bed as him and makes you a homewreker

No you are not forcing his wife to live a lie you are the accessory.
No he doesn't love his wife or he wouldn't be having her live a lie.

No we are not narrow minded. We know what it is like to live a lie by a cheating husband.

You can see it any way you want but the wife should have the option of being with a cheating husband rather than living a lie believing he is being faithful.

You can justify it all you want by saying he has 'moved up' but he hasn't moved anywhere that his wife would be happy with.

Sorry, not narrow minded, you asked a question, so he cheats, that does not mean it is right, Now does it mean that you are not helping destroy his family.

What if you get pregnant, what if he brings some STD back to you.

Why don't you want to know her? You should know the women who you share the sex with.

the reason i asked this question is beacuse up until this point i had not reallt thought about it. Not until a married friend of mine and i had an arguement about it.. I had no feelings on the matter so was looking for other opinions.

As i can see, ppl here are pretty narrow minded.

I dont know his wife, i dont want to know his wife, Yes he has been cheatin on her for 10years and mostly with prostitutes. If anything, him seeing me is alot better than that. He has moved up in the world. No longer is his money wasted, he can now buy his wife more.

The relationship i have with him is the most honest ive ever experienced. He tells me about his sex addiction, and i can talk to him about anything. He doesnt lie to me, he tell sme he loves his wife very much and i try and help him with some of the problems they have. Hell at the moment i helping him learn his wife menstrual cycle so they can start having babies..

Im not being selfish. Im not forcing his wife to live a lie. He is. He dosnt love me, i know this and Im happy with this. it sounds like u people are makin me out to be the .hhow do you know he is not lying to you he is a cheater and a sex addict yeah that makes hhim real honest... you know what the honorable thing to do here is tell her... she doesn't deserve this

No you are not forcing his wife to live a lie you are the accessory.




You can see it any way you want but the wife should have the option of being with a cheating husband rather than living a lie believing he is being faithful.


I agree with that and I have told him. He should give his wife the choice. Ive said, wouldn't it be better to be completely honest with her. But he won't. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. Honesty is the best policy.

sorry, not narrow minded, you asked a question, so he cheats, that does not mean it is right,. now does it mean that you are not helping destroy his family.

What if you get pregnant, what if he brings some STD back to you.

Why don't you want to know her ?? you should know the women who you share the sex with.

I always practise safe sex so no chance of pregancy or stds. And if by freak accident I did fall pregnant I would not have the baby. I do not want a complicated life and I certainly would not want to put the Man in a terrible situation.
I don't want to know her because firstly, she lives 3hrs from me and I have no need to throw myself in her face.

You people just don't get me.. Im not a bad person, I've just fallen for someone that isn't available. I do take his wife's feelings into considerstaion. I don't want him to get busted because then she will be the one hurt.

hhow do you know he is not lying to you he is a cheater and a sex addict yeah that makes hhim real honest...you know what the honorable thing to do here is tell her... she doesnt deserve this

Just because someone is a sex addict DOES NOT mean they are a liar. I am a sex addict also and I'm not a liar.
He has no reason to lie to me. It is what it is.

I could never tell her. That would be cruel. Especially coming from someone she doesn't know like me.

If there were no other women, there would be no cheating husbands.

I don't really care what you do but you asked. The people here don't condone what you're doing and you admitted that you didn't even think about it before a married friend had an argument with you about it.

It's about morality and people's ideas of it. You asked what people here thought. If it offends someone's sense of morality, they're against it.

I wouldn't like to be with a serial cheater because he's a liar and a sleaze and probably a sex addict. And you are complicit in his actions. You might want to say you're not, but you are.

Lots of things "work" for people that are not necessarily right. And it's a person's sense of right or wrong that keeps them from doing it. Others shrug off the implications and think, "Works for me!" all else be damned.

If you're in the latter group just accept it but don't come here asking emotionally charged questions about things that people have strong feelings about expecting everyone to say "Awww, that's okay honey....whatever floats your boat."

Because that's not going to happen.

You asked. We answered. If you can't accept both answers, don't ask the questions.

If there were no other women, there would be no cheating husbands.

I don't really care what you do but you asked. The people here don't condone what you're doing and you admitted that you didn't even think about it before a married friend had an argument with you about it.

It's about morality and people's ideas of it. you asked what people here thought. If it offends someone's sense of morality, they're against it.

I wouldn't like to be with a serial cheater because he's a liar and a sleaze and probably a sex addict. And you are complicit in his actions. You might want to say you're not, but you are.

Lots of things "work" for people that are not necessarily right. And it's a person's sense of right or wrong that keeps them from doing it. Others shrug off the implications and think, "Works for me!" all else be damned.

If you're in the latter group just accept it but don't come here asking emotionally charged questions about things that people have strong feelings about expecting everyone to say "Awww, that's okay honey....whatever floats your boat."

Because that's not going to happen.

You asked. We answered. If you can't accept both answers, don't ask the questions.

Well thanks for your answers. I wasn't looking for people to pat my back and say well done. Just looking for other views and opinions on the subject.

well thanks for your answers. i wasnt looking for people to pat my back and say well done. just looking for other views and opinions on the subject.

Well you got them but you didn't like them. I think the opinions of people here are pretty much the majority of people.

I love how this question has got people angry and giving reactions, whereas the question I really wanted answered only one person has commented...

I'm sorry to all the wives out there that had cheating partners. But let me just say this, I never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didn't choose to fall in love. So I'm sorry to all those that have husbands that have done this to them, its not a nice thing at all. Thank you all for your responses.

And in the end, you can expect someone that is cheating on his wife to also have another lady or one sometimes he is cheating on your with, but as long as you don't care, know you are only getting the left over seconds then you have what you have.

I would just think most people would have more self respect for thierself

i love how this question has got people angry and giving reactions, whereas the question i really wanted answered only one person has commented....

im sorry to all the wives out there that had cheating partners. But let me just say this, i never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didnt choose to fall in love. So im sorry to all those that have husbands that have done this to them, its not a nice thing at all. Thank u all for ur responses.

You asked two questions: am I horrible? I believe someone said you were.

You asked: Is this wrong? I believe a lot of people said yes.

This isn't about the people here. YOU asked the two questions. You got answers you didn't like and now you want to justify what you're doing and blaming the responses on people who have had cheating spouses. This is not about the people here. This is about you. You're the one who asked the questions. You're the one who is engaging in this behavior that many here find reprehensible. I have NO clue what it is you really wanted to hear. It really wasn't opinions.

You're not ready to understand and I don't think you really wanted answers to your questions. I'm not sure what you wanted but you didn't really want answers to your questions.

And in the end, you can expect someone that is cheating on his wife to also have another lady or one sometimes he is cheating on your with, but as long as you don't care, know you are only getting the left over seconds then you have what you have.

I would just think most people would have more self respect for thierself

I do have self respect.

You asked two questions: am I horrible? I believe someone said you were.

You asked: Is this wrong? I believe a lot of people said yes.

This isn't about the people here. YOU asked the two questions. You got answers you didn't like and now you want to justify what you're doing and blaming the responses on people who have had cheating spouses. This is not about the people here. This is about you. You're the one who asked the questions. You're the one who is engaging in this behavior that many here find reprehensible. I have NO clue what it is you really wanted to hear. It really wasn't opinions.

You're not ready to understand and I don't think you really wanted answers to your questions. I'm not sure what you wanted but you didn't really want answers to your questions.

Sorry, what I meant was, I've put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a separate question in a different area regarding addiction.

Yes I asked the question here - am I horrible? You have all answered yes, I accept that answer.

sorry, what i meant was, ive put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a seperate question in a different area regarding addiction.

Yes i asked the question here - am i horrible? You have all answered yes, i accept that answer.

I think you're questioning yourself which is good. As I suggested in the other thread, go to an SLAA meeting or go to their website.

I think you're searching for answers and many times people automatically get defensive when they first start asking questions and get answers they don't like.

I think you're trying to break through your denial and that's a good thing. I suggest you read the literature on sexual addiction.

Keep looking for the answers. They are out there. People can and do recover from sexual addiction.

I think you're questioning yourself which is good. As I suggested in the other thread, go to an SLAA meeting or go to their website.

I think you're searching for answers and many times people automatically get defensive when they first start asking questions and get answers they don't like.

I think you're trying to break through your denial and that's a good thing. I suggest you read the literature on sexual addiction.

Keep looking for the answers. They are out there. People can and do recover from sexual addiction.

People get defensive? And can you blame me? All you people are seeing of me is a tiny few sentences, trying to condense my whole life story in and ask a question, only to be hated. I know everyone is soming from different places and different angles. Mayb I was looking for someone else out there that had experiences in this or something., still not to condone or justify my actions, but at least to know I wasn't alone in my way of thinking. As I have discovered, I am alone and that's OK...

the reason I asked this question is because up until this point I had not reallt thought about it. Not until a married friend of mine and I had an argument about it.. I had no feelings on the matter so was looking for other opinions.

As I can see, people here are pretty narrow minded.

I don't know his wife, I don't want to know his wife, Yes he has been cheatin on her for 10years and mostly with prostitutes. If anything, him seeing me is a lot better than that. He has moved up in the world. No longer is his money wasted, he can now buy his wife more.

The relationship I have with him is the most honest I've ever experienced. He tells me about his sex addiction, and I can talk to him about anything. He doesn't lie to me, he tell sme he loves his wife very much and I try and help him with some of the problems they have. Hell at the moment I helping him learn his wife menstrual cycle so they can start having babies..

Im not being selfish. Im not forcing his wife to live a lie. He is. He doesn't love me, I know this and Im happy with this. It sounds like you people are making me out to be the .


Don't be deceived. The posters are not being narrow minded. This is about them reminding you that you are living a life where you are not being honest with yourselves - either of you.

What strange world of fanatsy do you live in?

He loves his wife and he's cheating with you?
He's trying for a baby but he's cheating with you?
He's got a sex addiction and he's trying for a child?
You're happy because he's moved up in the world to screwing you and it saves his wife the cost of him going to prostitutes?


I never NEVER went out looking for a married man... he came looking for me. I didn't choose to fall in love.

Please do not be offended, but what you describe is not love. Love is about honesty, loyalty, kindness, connection and respect (to name a few). And, of course it was your choice - whose choice was it if it was not yours?

At the very least, take some responsibility.

people get defensive?? and can u blame me? All you people are seein of me is a tiny few sentences, tryin to condense my whole life story in and ask a question, only to be hated. I know everyone is soming from different places and different angles. Mayb i was lookin for someone else out there that had experiences in this or something.,,still not to condone or justify my actions, but at least to know i wasnt alone in my way of thinkin. As i have discovered, i am alone and thats ok...

No one hates you. People here don't like what you are doing because it offends their sense of right and wrong. For most people (not just here but anywhere) having an affair is WRONG and thank God for that. Marriage is hard enough without infidelity. So that "moral stance" is a good one for most people.

What you are doing goes against the grain of most people. You asked about a VERY unpopular thing so you should have expected some pushback. If you did not then you don't have a lot of insight.

I think you are a sex addict looking for answers. Go to the SLAA website (I posted the link in the other thread) and find people who can help you.

But if you just want an opinion poll, be prepared for all answers. And if you ask a question about an unpopular life choice, expect to hear from people who feel strongly about it.

It's a GOOD thing that most people find infidelity to be wrong. A good moral compass is important in life and infidelity is just not a good thing where you are the cheater or the person helping the cheater cheat and it's never ever going to be a popular choice. And thank goodness for that.

If we all scratched every itch we had, this would be a sad sad world.

I am taking resposibility. If I had no "good" side why would I be questioning my actions...

I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Having sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but that is just my opinion.

I have looked at that website thank u

i am taking resposibility. if i had no "good" side why would i be questioning my actions...

I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Havin sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but tht is just my opinion.

I have looked at that website thank u

I don't expect you to understand this but love is an action. It's what you do and not what you say and if you're boinking someone not your wife that is not a loving action. There is no separation of love and sex in healthy relationships. If you want to be healthy, that whole mindset and all the rationales that go with it has to be changed.

Putting morality aside for a moment,isn't there any part of you that wants something more? That deserves something more from a relationship?

If he were single and wanted to be in an exclusive relationship,can you honestly say you would not want that?

You can have independence and solitude and still be in a committed relationship.

You never feel that you are cheating yourself?

Putting morality aside for a moment,isn't there any part of you that wants something more? That deserves something more from a relationship?

If he were single and wanted to be in an exclusive relationship,can you honestly say you would not want that?

You can have independence and solitude and still be in a committed relationship.

You never feel that you are cheating yourself?

Ive been beaten and battered by men in the past. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship to be honest. But with him, (regardless of what you all have said) I do get treated well, with respect, with honesty. My answer would be no... I don't think I am cheatin myself.

If he were single, it would never work. (he and I have discussed this) As a single man he would want more of me than I am ready to give.

i am taking resposibility. if i had no "good" side why would i be questioning my actions...

I come from a place where married men cheat on their wives everyday. Havin sex with some one who is not their wife, DOES not take away the love they have for her .(this is not my defense, this is just a statement) sex is sex and love is love.. two different entities... but tht is just my opinion.

I have looked at that website thank u

Sex without love in a relationship is like food without the taste, a flower without the scent, the sun without warmth. It is incomplete.

Love and sex are not separate entities in a relationship.

Imagine, if you can, a relationship where you can have both. Imagine a relationship where you don't have to worry about your partner cheating, where you can achieve intimacy because of the trust and connection that you've created because you love each other and you choose to remain faithful to each other. Imagine the strength that this gives you both individually and as a couple.

You may well come from a place where married men regularly cheat on their wives and this is accepted behavior - but is this the life and the relationship that you truly want for yourself?

Sex without love in a relationship is like food without the taste, a flower without the scent, the sun without warmth. It is incomplete.


You may well come from a place where married men regularly cheat on their wives and this is accepted behavior - but is this the life and the relationship that you truly want for yourself?

I just want a happy life... that is what I want for myself

Ive been beaten and battered by men in the past. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship to be honest.

And my dear you still don't.

It sounds like you are settling because a part of you is not an independent woman who doesn't need anyone.

Do you think you choose unavailable men as a defense mechanism?
Kind of an "I can't get too close so I can't get too hurt" mind set.

I think you are afraid and that is why you have opted for this safe relationship.

And my dear you still don't.

It sounds like you are settling because a part of you is not an independent woman who doesn't need anyone.

Do you think you choose unavailable men as a defense mechanism?
Kind of an "I can't get too close so I can't get too hurt" mind set.

I think you are afraid and that is why you have opted for this safe relationship.

This is the first married man I have ever had any kind of relationship with. I didn't seek him out because it would "suit" me.

I am a very independent person. In every aspect I guess except this... Maybe I am afraid. Im afraid that I won't be able to be as honest with other men, or as honest as I can be with him. I can tell him anything. I can tell him if I've been woth someone else and there is no jealousy. No anger.

Im not the marryin type and I'm certainly not a breeder. I don't know.
He says things to me like "you can't cage a tiger" and for some reason it reigns true in my life. I don't want to be constricted to a normal relationship. But in saying that, even though I know it could happen, I don't want to upset his wife. That was never my intention. Man this is hard..

I just want a happy life.... that is what i want for myself

Sorry to sound corny, but I see happiness as a journey, not a destination...

Happiness is learned and developed through the way we live now, in this present moment, how we make our life choices, how we think about and treat other people.

Strangely enough, happiness is frequently learned in tough moments, or in the face of suffering. If it is not lived out through our behavior, happiness is nothing more than a nice idea.

I truly hope that you give the responses on this post some thought - I accept that none of us live a perfect life and all of us are flawed (it is the human condition) - but we can and should try to live our lives with integrity.

In the final analysis being true to ourselves and having a 'spiritual backbone' are the elements that create the foundations for love and real happiness.

this is the first married man i have ever had any kind of relationship with. I didnt seek him out because it would "suit" me.

I am a very independant person. In every aspect i guess except this... Maybe i am afraid. Im afraid that i wont be able to be as honest with other men, or as honest as i can be with him. I can tell him anything. I can tell him if ive been woth someone else and there is no jealousy. No anger.

Im not the marryin type and im certainly not a breeder. I dont know.
He says things to me like "you can't cage a tiger" and for some reason it reigns true in my life. I dont want to be constricted to a normal relationship. But in saying that, even tho i know it could happen, i dont want to upset his wife. That was never my intention. man this is hard..

I'm quite sure there are other men who are capable of giving you everything he does and more ,while still respecting your need for space and solitude.

He is going to tell you anything you want to hear.He has a perfect mistress.You aren't going to call the wife and your not complicating his life.

It almost sounds like you are allowing your sex addiction to rule your life.

Have you ever sought out therapy to get to the reasons for your addiction?

There is so much more than sex.Sex without love is like cake without frosting,its good but its not mind blowing.
I think you are selling yourself short.

My answers to your 2 questions:

1. "Am I horrible"
In all honesty after reading your responses you don't seem to be a horrible person , but what your doing is. It suits you and it suits him , but don't you think it would devastate his wife if she ever found out? And just because he would do it with someone else anyway doesn't vilify you.

2. "Is it wrong"
Yes it is , you are cheating with a married man FULL STOP.

You obviously have some underlying issue's and I would suggest seeking some counseling to sort those out rather than go through the rest of your life living with the insurety of what it will throw at you next.

Good Luck!

Sorry to sound corny, but I see happiness as a journey, not a destination.........

Happiness is learned and developed through the way we live now, in this present moment, how we make our life choices, how we think about and treat other people.

Strangely enough, happiness is frequently learned in tough moments, or in the face of suffering. If it is not lived out through our behavior, happiness is nothing more than a nice idea.

I truly hope that you give the responses on this post some thought - I accept that none of us live a perfect life and all of us are flawed (it is the human condition) - but we can and should try to live our lives with integrity.

In the final analysis being true to ourselves and having a 'spiritual backbone' are the elements that create the foundations for love and real happiness.

Had to spread the love but I think what you said is far from corny,in fact very touching ,honest and important!

[QUOTE=friend4u178;1754975]My answers to your 2 questions:

1. "Am I horrible"
In all honesty after reading your responses you don't seem to be a horrible person , but what your doing is. It suits you and it suits him , but don't you think it would devastate his wife if she ever found out? And just because he would do it with someone else anyway doesn't vilify you.

2. "Is it wrong"
Yes it is , you are cheating with a married man FULL STOP.

You obviously have some issue's and I would suggest seeking some counseling to sort those out rather than go through the rest of your life living with the insurety of what it will throw at you next.

Good Luck![/QUOTE
Thanks for your comment. Even though you said pretty much the same as a lot of other people, you did it in a nicer way. Cheers. Im looking into a counselling service in my area as we speak. Thanks

Couselling is a good idea.

Obviously you do feel guilt, otherwise you wouldn't be here, so, even though my gut says to tear you a new one, I won't.

I'm a wife, have been married for 14 years come Wednesday, have two beautiful children, my husband has never cheated on me, because he loves me.

If he did, I'd not only kick his sorry arse out the door but I'd want to meet the woman that destroyed my marriage, everything I worked so hard to get and I wouldn't be very nice or understanding when I met the tramp, yes, tramp.

You say that this is just about sex, well dear, there are other men that can give you that, men without any other commitments.

Leave him. Will he still cheat on his wife, probably, he's a sex addict and doesn't have any morals, that won't change over night. But, you can choose not to be a part of this, not to destroy this marriage.

Get help, leave him, find some respect for yourself and others. Move on.

Good luck.

I just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants I needed.

And I'm not a tramp. Well at least, I don't think I am

i just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants i needed.

And im not a tramp. Well at least, i dont think i am

You are to his wife, realize that, accept it, because that's what she would think if she found out. Wouldn't you?

I hope the counselling works. Every one has been through something, it's what you do in the future, despite your past, that's important.

I wish you all the best.

I just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants I needed.

And I'm not a tramp. Well at least, I don't think I am

Well done.

I wish you only good luck in your journey - you may find counselling will be hard and you'll feel resistant and defensive, but don't give up.

I'm into 'corny' today, so I'll finish with a quote from Charles D**kens... (A Tale of Two Cities)...


It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.

Thanks for that... its so hard to relay what I'm really going through.. there is more to it than just my infedelity with the married man... (as you will know if you have read my other questions on this site) I've been livng a life that has me me happy but obviously not nessessarly the right way to live... I don't want to be unhappy but I don't want to feel cut off from the world

i just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants i needed.

And im not a tramp. Well at least, i dont think i am


I'm really glad you can see what we're trying to say and are are taking positive steps to try to help yourself :)

I know that counseling will work as long as your open to it.

I have been hit on by married guys but I never gave the time or day. I would simply tell them to go home to your wife and the conversation would end there. So it doesn't matter who came on to who.

You said you wouldn't see a future with this guy even if he was single and you don't want him now so continue dealing with him? Cut things off with him and leave him alone. You can turn this wrong into a right. You can end things now and never put yourself in this situation again and start working of yourself.

If you were to leave him believe me he would find someone else. When one pair of legs close another one will be open. Maybe he will go back to his prostitutes but it doesn't matter where he will go because it is his business.

Just don't waste another day with him because this is all your doing--wasting your time when you could be doing something more worth while.

Yes! Very horrible. Find your own single man!

Yes! Very horrible. Find your own single man!

I think you need to read all the posts before adding something, you'll see that Meow actually came to some really positive conclusions.

I know that counseling will work as long as your open to it.

You said you wouldn't see a future with this guy even if he was single and you don't want him now so continue dealing with him? Cut things off with him and leave him alone. You can turn this wrong into a right. You can end things now and never put yourself in this situation again and start working of yourself.

.

I don't see a future with him or any man. I don't want a full blown relationship. Once a week or once a month to hang out with my partner is enough for me. Most people don't understand it. But I don't expect people to. I guess I have a different outlook on things.

I am going to see someone tues next week. Hopefully they can help put my mind in the right place

What do you think about marriage and fidelity, Meow420?

What do they represent, to you?

Thanks!

I think you need to read all the posts before adding something, you'll see that Meow actually came to some really positive conclusions.
thank you Gemini x x x x:)

What do you think about marriage and fidelity, Meow420?

What do they represent, to you?

Thanks!

OK well when it comes to fidelity I guess I view things a little differently. Im very open about my partners having sex outside the relationship. I don't believe that all of us can be monogamous to our partners. To me, sex and love are two different things. I can have sex with someone else, but that does not take away the love I have for my partner.

I understand that some men wander and that does not worry me. When Im in a relationship, they can sleep with whoever they choose, as long as they come home to me. To me, cheating only occurs when they give their heart and love to someone else.

Ive never been one to dream of marriage. If I get married, that's fine, but if I don't, it will not worry me. Being happy is the most important. I respect those that do enter into a marriage and do not judge when they also get divorced. (now is the time that those who disagree will say that by being with a married man, I am disrespecting THEIR marriage. I don't believe I am, only because I do not wish to break them up. I do not wish to steal him away from her. I do respect her. I feel bad for her if he ever gets caught. I don't know... I'm starting to lose my train of thought... )

I think I'm making myself look bad by saying this.. I think I will stop..

Well, you're sharing the way that you feel and think. That's a good thing! I'm not going to be the type of person to judge you here. That's simply not me.

I am trying to get you ready and primed for questions that you're likely to get when you attend your counseling sessions.

Believe me, I've been there, done that!

I really do appreciate the honesty and you being upfront in the way that you answered!

Thanks!

Well, you're sharing the way that you feel and think. That's a good thing! I'm not going to be the type of person to judge you here. That's simply not me.

I am trying to get you ready and primed for questions that you're likely to get when you attend your counseling sessions.

Believe me, I've been there, done that!

I really do appreciate the honesty and you being upfront in the way that you answered!

Thanks!

Is he guna ask me hard questions? Oh dear lol I'm getting nervous. What if he thinks that the way I think its messed up? Do I then have to change my whole belief system?

Seeing a counselor is a process that can take a long time.

You've already taken the first steps to entering the process. Please give yourself a chance and be open to what might be said and happen in that process.

When I was married in the early 1980's, my wife and I were having problems. She sought out a counselor. Me, being the macho guy that I was, thought that she and I could work things out by ourselves. Wrong!

After awhile though, I did consent to go to joint counseling with her. I was resistant at first. After a number of sessions with the counselor, I was finding out so many things about myself and how to cope with them, that I was really enjoying it!

After awhile, my wife quit going to the sessions, but I continued because I was enjoying it so much! My wife and I were later divorced, but that was for choices and things that the counseling sessions really couldn't solve or help

Not everyone can get along with everyone else...

Our children realize that...

One thing lead to another, and I then "graduated" to a different level of counseling and also group therapy.

It was all a very mind-opening and helpful experience, to me, for the years that I attended.

Seeing a counselor is a process that can take a long time.

You've already taken the first steps to entering the process. Please give yourself a chance and be open to what might be said and happen in that process.

When I was married in the early 1980's, my wife and I were having problems. She sought out a counselor. Me, being the macho guy that I was, thought that she and I could work things out by ourselves. Wrong!

After awhile though, I did consent to go to joint counseling with her. I was resistant at first. After a number of sessions with the counselor, I was finding out so many things about myself and how to cope with them, that I was really enjoying it!

After awhile, my wife quit going to the sessions, but I continued because I was enjoying it so much! My wife and I were later divorced, but that was for choices and things that the counseling sessions really couldn't solve or help

Not everyone can get along with everyone else...

Our children realize that...

One thing lead to another, and I then "graduated" to a different level of counseling and also group therapy.

It was all a very mind-opening and helpful experience, to me, for the years that I attended.

Well that gives me a good idea of what to expect.. thank u... there is a lot to my story and my worst fear is being judged by a professional.. but from what you have all said, they aren't like that.

Yes, they all aren't like that - judgmental. But, if the one that you go to turns out to be that way, then I would definitely seek out a different one. They're supposed to be helping people not hindering them or making them feel guilty.

Again, it's a process and you're taking the right steps. I do applaud you for that.

Yes, they all aren't like that - judgmental. But, if the one that you go to turns out to be that way, then I would definitely seek out a different one. They're supposed to be helping people not hindering them or making them feel guilty.

Again, it's a process and you're taking the right steps. I do applaud you for that.

I will definalely make a post on this one after I go see him.. a few people have said they would love to know how I go, so I will post it... I hope people are still thinking postively for me lol

Most of us who frequent this site on a regular basis do think really positively and proactively. There will always be those who jump to conclusions and form opinions without any time or effort at discovering things and seeing how the original poster really is and feels.

I do appreciate your honesty and openness here!

I too, would like to know how things go!

Thanks!

Most of us who frequent this site on a regular basis do think really positively and proactively. There will always be those who jump to conclusions and form opinions without any time or effort at discovering things and seeing how the original poster really is and feels.

I do appreciate your honesty and openness here!

I too, would like to know how things go!

Thanks!

thank u x x x mwah x x x

He has been with his wife for 10yrs, marries one year and the whole time he has been with her he has cheated on her

I know he loves her very much.

These two statements contradict each other to me

There is a big difference between Having an open relationship and cheating. If he truly loved her he would not have been betraying her for 10 years.

I am glad that you have decided to sort this all out though.

These two statements contradict each other to me

There is a big difference between Having an open relationship and cheating. If he truly loved her he would not have been betraying her for 10 years.

I am glad that you have decided to sort this all out though.

I think he does love her.. I think it is possible to love someone with all your heart but have sex with other people.

Yes I'm glad I'm seeking counselling too. Its been a long time coming. The people on here have been a great support team kind of thing lol

For the record, I am completely against cheating, but I'm going to take a different view on this.

The situation you are in is "friends with benefits." I was reading earlier posts that he tells you about his problems with his wife and you two seem to have a good friendship. He openly tells you that he loves his wife and nothing more will happen with you. And he listens to you when you need to talk. You seem happy with this type of arrangement.

The problem that everyone is having is that you are having sex together.

Sex with another person while being married = cheating

Bottom line, we can't tell you how to live your life, if you can live with your actions, then you wouldn't have asked us for our views. If you ask us for our views, you should know that that there is a zero tolorence policy in this forum.

By coming into this forum and asking if you are a horrible person to be in this situation, it means part of your already feels guilty about it. By defending your actions, you're not only trying to convince us, but you are also trying to convince yourself.

Sex with another person while being married = cheating

Bottom line, we can't tell you how to live your life, if you can live with your actions, then you wouldn't have asked us for our views. If you ask us for our views, you should know that that there is a zero tolorence policy in this forum.

By coming into this forum and asking if you are a horrible person to be in this situation, it means part of your already feels guilty about it. By defending your actions, you're not only trying to convince us, but you are also trying to convince yourself.


Yeah really! The OP ASKED IF we thought she was a horrible person and then goes on to justify being with a married man. I know if it was my guy I WOULD want to know so I could say BYE!!
Just because the wife doesn't know doesn't make it okay.

Are you a horrible person for doing this? You may not be a horrible person, but your actions are. Are you wrong? Of course you are wrong and you know it. I hope the counseling helps you to think better of yourself and allow you to have some empathy for others as well.

If he truly loved her he would be putting her before himself... he would not be participating in actions that could cause her tremendous pain... if he felt he needed help with a possible addiction, he would be seeking help for it so as not to put his marriage in harms way.

He may indeed love her, but he doesn't love her enough to stop putting his desires before her.

If he truly loved her with all of his heart, you would not be in the picture. He is using both of you for different purposes.

I had the same thing done to me just recently. My husband cheating durign the 1year of actual marriage. And I know how I feel about the whore he slept with. I take it his wife has no idea? Otherwise he either wouldn't be married anymore and then takign up more of your precious time, or he wouldn't be allowed out anymore and she'd be hunting you down with a shotgun.
If I were you, I'd watch my back. Cause your building yourself this beautiful nest of lies, and sooner or later it'll coem back in threes

i had the same thing done to me just recently. my husband cheating durign the 1year of actual marriage. and i know how i feel about the whore he slept with. i take it his wife has no idea? otherwise he either wouldnt be married anymore and then takign up more of your precious time, or he wouldnt be allowed out anymore and she'd be hunting you down with a shotgun.
if i were you, i'd watch my back. cause your building yourself this beautiful nest of lies, and sooner or later it'll coem back in threes

Im sorry your husband cheated on you. Its never a nice thing.

As I can see, people here are pretty narrow minded.
HELLO... YOU'RE the one who asked ppls. Opinions... to make the judgement that we're narrowminded is just plain wrong. And to answer you're question... You're not horrible, but what you're doing IS!!

As i can see, ppl here are pretty narrow minded.
HELLO.......... YOU'RE the one who asked ppls. opinions....to make the judgement that we're narrowminded is just plain wrong. And to answer you're question...You're not horrible, but what you're doing IS!!!

Yes I did make that statement when I first started getting responses from people. If u kept reading, as I talked more with people, I can see where they are coming from. I was in defense mode that's all.. I don't think that at all now after having many different conversations with people on here. Most have been very positive and I thank them for the time they have taken to make comment on my questions.

Yes i did make that statement when i first started getting responses from people. If u kept reading, as i talked more with people, i can see where they are coming from. I was in defense mode thats all.. I dont think that at all now after having many different conversations with people on here. Most have been very positive and i thank them for the time they have taken to make comment on my questions.

Also, you have taken steps and realize what's going on, and that its not right, so not only did you get people's opinions in here, but you also learned more about yourself and know what you must do.

I see that you are talking to a counselor, so that is really good to hear.

I hope you get all the help you need in overcoming and dealing with your addiction.

So you may be doing the wrong thing with this guy, but now you see it is bad, and you are doing something about it. I wish you all the best, and keep up the strong Aussie spirit. You will get through this... I'm sure of that... :)

Also, you have taken steps and realize whats going on, and that its not right, so not only did you get people's opinions in here, but you also learned more about yourself and know what you must do.

I see that you are talking to a counselor, so that is really good to hear.

I hope you get all the help you need in overcoming and dealing with your addiction.

So you may be doing the wrong thing with this guy, but now you see it is bad, and you are doing something about it. I wish you all the best, and keep up the strong Aussie spirit. You will get through this... I'm sure of that... :)

Thank you for your comment! Things get a little crazy sometimes and when you find yourself asking "am i ok?" it is hard to hear that something you are doing is not. But I always keep an open mind in things and I know that I'm not always right.

I have a good feeling about the counselling, as I've said in previous posts though, I wish I was seeing the counsellor today and not next week, but I can wait lol... besides, I have you guys to keep me thinking in the right direction!

As i can see, ppl here are pretty narrow minded.
HELLO.......... YOU'RE the one who asked ppls. opinions....to make the judgement that we're narrowminded is just plain wrong. And to answer you're question...You're not horrible, but what you're doing IS!!!

Why are you being so aggressive and SCREAMING in caps ?

Why would you yell at a person who you don't even know?

Why are you being so agressive and SCREAMING in caps ?

Why would you yell at a person who you don't even know?

Artlady x x you are a really nice person x x don't ever change x x

Thank you for your comment! Things get a little crazy sometimes and when you find yourself askin "am i ok?" it is hard to hear that something you are doing is not. But I always keep an open mind in things and i know that im not always right.

I have a good feeling about the counselling, as ive said in previous posts tho, i wish i was seeing the counsellor today and not next week, but i can wait lol... besides, i have you guys to keep me thinking in the right direction!

That's cool... very positive attitude. Maybe from now till the time you go for the counseling, you could relax and do something fun, something to take your mind off all that is going on. You really shouldn't beat yourself up over this stuff. You are doing the right thing now and trying to make things right, so concentrate on that.

I know it hurts when you ask yourself if you are OK and if you are right, and people are telling you that you are wrong and bad and stuff, but that's just people's opinions. What is most important is you asking yourself why they are saying that. They are seeing something you didn't see or choose not to see, which leads to their opinion. If you see it, then you will realize something is not right

That's right, keep an open mind and listen to what people are saying. I know why you were defensive in the beginning, you were bombarded with negative comments, but you took them in after a while and they benefited you. That's really positive.

See how things go with the counselor and I do hope everything gets sorted out for you

Artlady x x you are a really nice person x x dont ever change x x

Hey what about me :rolleyes:...

Just kidding Meow ;) I'm glad your heading in the right direction.

Artlady x x you are a really nice person x x dont ever change x x

Honey,I can't change.I'm 55 in a few weeks and than I officially can say I am a senior ,treat me right :cool:

Honey,I can't change.I'm 55 in a few weeks and than I officially can say I am a senior ,treat me right :cool:

Good for you!! If I don't remember, you have a wonderful birthday!! X x x x

Thats right, keep an open mind and listen to what people are saying. I know why you were defensive in the beginning, you were bombarded with negative comments, but you took them in after a while and they benefited you. Thats really positive.

See how things go with the counselor and I do hope everything gets sorted out for you

The positive feedback from people has been great and I thank you!

Also friend4u178 & Blackvy & Gemini54 - thank you too.. wonderful people with kind hearts x x x

Its nice to be appreciated, but its better when the advice and opinions we give actually help the person, so thank you :)

Good for you!!! if i dont remember, you have a wonderful birthday!!! x x x x

Hay I'm invested now so come back to let us know how you are doing in your future .or not :)

Why it all his to be about him. Like a typical youngster you are in this situation because you think you are helping him out, you are changing him and making him a better man, by giving up sleeping with prostitutes and start sleeping with you.

What about your own self, is this the kind of relationship you wanted for yourself. What if he is seeing you on Monday seeing another one on Tuesday and so on. He deceived his wife for 10 years whom he loves very much, can you imagine how he really thinks of you. Why are you degrading yourself so much. Am sure you deserve a lot better donot you?

Good for you!!! if i dont remember, you have a wonderful birthday!!! x x x x

Just be around June 22 cusp of Gemini and cancer
CRAZY

My home home grown

Nice image, artlady! :)

Just be around June 22 cusp of Gemini and cancer
CRAZY

My home home grown

This is my plant ,nice or not ?

This is my plant ,nice or not ?

What ro puff up? Oh do my friend.

Artlady you just spun me out.. didn't expect you to have a green thumb hahahaha :)

My mum is the 18th of June!

mwah x x

Nice image, artlady!! :)

Its New york plant:)

Artlady you just spun me out.. didnt expect you to have a green thumb hahahaha :)

My mum is the 18th of June!

mwah x x

I am am a Cancer/gemini cusp June 22 1954

why it all his to be about him. like a typical youngster you are in this situation because you think you are helping him out, you are changing him and making him a better man, by giving up sleeping with prostitutes and start sleeping with you.

what about your own self, is this the kind of relationship you wanted for yourself. what if he is seeing you on monday seeing another one on tuesday and so on. he deceived his wife for 10 years whom he loves very much, can you imagine how he really thinks of you. why are you degrading yourself so much. am sure you deserve a lot better donot you?

No I do not think I'm exactly helping him out or making him a better man.
He absolutley could have a different girl every day of the week and that is fine. It is his life. I see other men all the time. I know what he thinks of me. He respects me by what he says to me and by how he acts with me. He MAY think I'm the biggest slut in the world and he MAY think he is onto a sweet deal, getting to have sex with me for free... But that doesn't matter. He treats me very well. How I want and EXPECT to be treated.
I do not feel I am degrading myself.

No i do not think im exactly helping him out or making him a better man.
He absolutley could have a different girl every day of the week and that is fine. It is his life. I see other men all the time. I know what he thinks of me. He respects me by what he says to me and by how he acts with me. He MAY think im the biggest slut in the world and he MAY think he is onto a sweet deal, getting to have sex with me for free....But that doesnt matter. He treats me very well. How i want and EXPECT to be treated.
I do not feel i am degrading myself.

Wow we stropped your thread! Sorry! Seriously!b;)

Chill baby

Wow we stropped your thread! Sorry! Seriously!b;)

Lol its all good, please continue :)

My mum would be close to the cusp then yeah?

i think he does love her.. i think it is possible to love someone with all your heart but have sex with other people.


I agree with this statement, it is possible to love someone and have sex with other people. But only when it is all in the open.
It is not possible to truly love some and do it behind their back. It is straight forward betrayal.

I am in an exclusive relationship and I can't imagine him stepping out of our relationship. The minute he does I will be out.

If he wants sex then he should be having it only with me and not someone else because if he does he will be cheating. And a cheater can be trusted. Even though I love my fiancé I already know what I won't tolerant.

I look at my mom and dad relationship as an example. They been married for over 20+ years. I'm not going say they marriage been al peaches&cream because their relationship isn't perfect. However they work through their problems together. My father once told me "even though your mother gets on my nerves at time I can see I never stepped out of our marriage. I'm too scare anyone because she might kill me. hehe ".

So it is great to be in love and to have someone to love you back. It is great to have someone to share things with and who respect you and treats you live a queen. Open relationships aren't my thing because I not keen on sharing my man. He is for me and me only.

Hopefully counseling will change your views on relationships.

Yes you are horrible,

What a terrible & judgemental thing to say... ESPECIALLY given your title of "Christianity expert". Not sure just how you earned that title but what about "love the sinner, hate the sin"?

I am in an exclusive relationship and I can't imagine him stepping out of our relationship. The minute he does I will be out.

If he wants sex then he should be having it only with me and not someone else because if he does he will be cheating. And a cheater can be trusted. Even though I love my fiance I already know what I won't tolerant.

I look at my mom and dad relationship as an example. They been married for over 20+ years. I'm not going say they marriage been al peaches&cream because their relationship isn't perfect. However they work through their problems together. My father once told me "even though your mother gets on my nerves at time I can see I never stepped out of our marriage. I'm too scare anyone because she might kill me. hehe ".

So it is great to be in love and to have someone to love you back. It is great to have someone to share things with and who respect you and treats you live a queen. Open relationships aren't my thing because I not keen on sharing my man. He is for me and me only.

Hopefully counseling will change your views on relationships.


I guess cheating can only be defined by each indivdual..
Cheating to me, is giving someone else your heart. An emotional affair. A physical affair does not worry me, offend me, upset me... but an emotional attacthment to another is crossing the line.

I congratulate you on finding your partner in life! Stand up for what u believe in and take no crap x x x

What a terrible & judgemental thing to say...ESPECIALLY given your title of "Christianity expert". Not sure just how you earned that title but what about "love the sinner, hate the sin"?

Yeah I was guna say something about that comment when it was first made, but I didn't want to upset a religious man lol

yeah i was guna say something about that comment when it was first made, but i didnt want to upset a religious man lol

Lol! Never upset a religious man... he has friends in HIGH places... lol :p

What a terrible & judgemental thing to say...ESPECIALLY given your title of "Christianity expert". Not sure just how you earned that title but what about "love the sinner, hate the sin"?


I took this as answering her question. She asked if she was horrible for doing what she was doing and he answered her that yes she was horrible.

I guess cheating can only be defined by each indivdual..
Cheating to me, is giving someone else your heart. An emotional affair. A physical affair does not worry me, offend me, upset me.... but an emotional attacthment to another is crossing the line.

I congratulate you on finding your partner in life! Stand up for what u believe in and take no crap x x x

You don't think he has an emotional attachment to you after being with you for over a year... sharing intimate details of his marriage with you... having you help him understand his wife better... discussing his sexual additiction with you... you can talk to him about anything... and you say you have fallen for him. Sounds full of emotion to me.

Face it, you want your cake and to eat it too just as he does. You can keep him at arms length and see him when it is convenient for you to do so. You can have the "fun" without the full dynamics of a relationship. You aren't helping him, you are fueling his addiction just as if you were giving drugs to an addict, and sooner or later it will come to a head, his wife will likely gain knowledge of what has gone on... and you will have been a party to the likely demise of his marriage... which effects both of their families... and children they may end up having if you continue with this.

You wanted to know if it was wrong... well of course it is wrong since not all of the parties involved are aware of what is going on. You say you try to justify it by telling yourself that you aren't the married one, but you are aiding in this deception and by your own admission, you are doing so because it suits you and makes you happy... yes, that makes you selfish in this regard because you are thinking of yourself, your desires, your feelings, before anyone else.

You're fooling yourself, and trying to justify your actions because you are afraid of being exposed to a true relationship and the risks involved... this is safe for you, on your terms for the most part, free to come and go as you please, no one to answer to or consider, no real giving over of yourself.

I hope the counseling can help you discover why you are in this sort of a relationship, and why you feel the need to justify it.

Consider this: if it were a good place for you to to be, if it was a relationship you should be involved in, you wouldn't have to justify it to anyone... least of all to yourself.

Hmmmmm interesting thread!

Just to be the devil's advocate here, is it possible that the boyfriends marriage is still together because of the affair?

Don't jump on me here but consider that more than 50% of marriages fail. Are our expectations too unrealistic? Is it really a normal, or natural situation for two people to stay faithful to each other until the end of time? Are we expecting something that isn't really attainable?

Why do we morally judge anybody, when probably a good chunk of the posters here have had their own affairs, breakups, broken marriages etc. All are good people, but were the breakups all by 'immoral' means? Are those that stray 'immoral?' If what you bring to the relationship is based on total and complete fidelity, that is one moral judgment you decide to live by. But, others may not share those views.

If, just if, this were say, 30 years ago, and the man in this equation had an affair, or multiple affairs, surely they would have divorced.

But, here we are in 2009, and we still judge by the same old standards. Why is the other woman the one held accountable for the actions of the man, and his marriage. He is the married one, not her.

She is bright, articulate, independent, and knows what she wants. She protects herself, and isn't making any false or imagined promises as to a future with this man, because there won't be one, based on his history of affairs.

She does not sound to me that she is anything other than in complete control of herself, and her life. That she includes a man who happens to be married doesn't make her less than a moral person.

And, I don't believe for a second that his wife doesn't know he's had several women on the side. She would have to have the intelligence and intuition of a flea not to know her husband is cheating. Yet, it isn't a problem for her. It isn't a problem for him, and it isn't a problem for our OP.

So, if crossing the sexual affair, into an emotional attachment is becoming a problem, then it may be time to let him go. To develop love for someone who can never truly love you back, is an unhealthy emotional place to be in.

So, morals and judgments aside here, what is she doing that is so different from thousands of other people that do the same thing. Where one marriage may fail because of it, another might survive (such as this one).

If all needs are being met by all parties, what's the problem.

I took this as answering her question. She asked if she was horrible for doing what she was doing and he answered her that yes she was horrible.

I still don't agree one iota about his response. He's overlooking that he's saying SHE is terrible... she's not terrible, what SHE IS DOING IS!

I just want to say, that my question has been answered.

I am not horrible. To the majority of people on this site, my actions are horrible. And that's OK. We all think differently.

I am seeing a counsellor on Tuesday next week, to talk over a few things that I think may need to change. I think I need to learn how to accept who I am and know that not everybody shares my opinion.

Meow420... you obviously know it is wrong, at least in some part or you wouldn't have asked the question. Assuming the wife knows and you are some how helping in keeping their marriage together only allows you to continue to justify your actions. As long as we are assuming, I would guess she doesn't know only because after a year of confiding in you and being able to talk about the intimacies of their relationship with you, I would think it would have come up in your conversations whether she knows and is OK with what is going on.

Either you are fully OK with what you are doing or you are not... which is it? I hope you find your answers with the counseling.

You can separate your being horrible from your actions being horrible that is fine just like love the sinner hate the sin.

BUT at the end of the day YOU are still the one that DID the action. You can live with yourself that is your decision but all these wives whose husbands you mess with they aren't as lucky to be able to make the decision to leave if they have no idea.

How old are you cassie?

I think if you want to stay on this site you had better refrain from the b I t c h usage.
I JUST got done posting below your last post for the SAME thing. Next one I just might give you a reddie.

u r such a horrible person! what if u were married and ur husband was doing that to u?? u b i t c h! leave the married man! encourage him to stick with his wife. this is so sl ut t i s h. its people like u who make the world so bad

I have answered your question in a previous post.

I am not a s--t. I am a whore.

This is not a very encouraging comment. Not that everyone has to be nice and agree with me BUT you can express your opinions in a not so vulgar way.

Cassie it is okay to state your opinon about the situation but calling someone names is childish so what does it make you?

I don't agree with her sleeping with a married man nor do I agree with her reasons but not one did I call her a name.

Cassie it is okay to state your opinon about the situation but calling someone names is childish so what does it make you?

I don't agree with her sleeping with a married man nor do I agree with her reasons but not one did I call her a name.

And people like yourself that can voice their opinion in calm, rational way, more often get listened to. Ive listened to what people are saying and I am taking it all on board.

Jake I am a little confused by your post.

I agree that the wife most know about her husband past affairs and I don't know why she stays with him.

I for one never dated anyone one who was involved with anyone. They could have had a girlfriend, wife, etc. In the past I've been hit on by married man but I never got involved with them. I gave them a piece of my mind and ended it with a "go home to your wife".

I am confused when you say when a man/woman cheats it is actually helping to save their relationship--how is that? I never knew that cheating would help save a relationship.

If someone wanted to save their marriage they would go about it in a different. However this man doesn't even seem like he wants to save his marriage and might not love anyone (including his wife) and will continue to cheat with whoever is willing to.

I think he is in the wrong but two wrongs never makes it right.

sorry. i just speak my mind. u know its wrong so just stop it. plenty of men r out there. do u have yahoo messenger?

You can not solicite IMs or PM on this site.

If someone wanted to save their marriage they would go about it in a different. However this man doesn't even seem like he wants to save his marriage and might not love anyone (including his wife) and will continue to cheat with whoever is willing to.



This man does love his wife very much. Just because he is a cheater, it does not make him incapable of loving..

If you love someone you do not hurt them in the way that cheating hurts another person.

If he honestly loved his wife, he wouldn't be in this situation.

That isn't the type of love that I would ever want in my life.

This man does love his wife very much. Just because he is a cheater, it does not make him incapable of loving..

I never said he was incapable to love but I said he "doesn't love his wife".

What is loving?

u just dont care about other people and what happens as long as u get sexual pleasure. i know the truth hurts but it has to be spoken. the man is married. give him a break! its disgusting. what else does he give u apart from sex?

I do care about other people. I don't think you really know me well enough to make that statement about me.
The truth does not hurt, It is what it is. Im not hiding from the truth. Its not all about sex. It just started that way. He gives me what I am looking for in a relationship,

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a

Be wary of new posters who have not read the rules for posting.

Take the information that is helpful and relevant to your situation and grow. You have faced your situation and are trying to make a change for the best. Do not be discouraged.

I do care about other people. I dont think you really know me well enough to make that statement about me.
The truth does not hurt, It is what it is. Im not hiding from the truth. Its not all about sex. It just started that way. He gives me what I am looking for in a relationship,

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a soul) I came seeking advice and I got some great help. I decided after talking to people here that I should seek professional advice and I made an appointment with a counsellor. I see there is a problem and I am making progress at getting it resolved.

Sure he can love his wife
But he is not loving her enough to not cheat
He is not loving her enough to put her feelings and needs as #1 or he would not cheat
He is caring about his needs rather than finding a way to change or he would seek help to over come his desire for somebody else other than his wife.

Sure he can love his wife
but he is not loving her enough to not cheat
he is not loving her enough to put her feelings and needs as #1 or he would not cheat
he is caring about his needs rather than finding a way to change or he would seek help to over come his desire for somebody else other than his wife.

At the end of the day, I can only speak of my own feelings and emotions.. At this point though, his motives are not really relevant.

Jake I am a little confused by your post.

I agree that the wife most know about her husband past affairs and I don't know why she stays with him.

I for one never dated anyone one who was involved with anyone. They could have had a girlfriend, wife, etc. In the past I've been hit on by married man but I never got involved with them. I gave them a piece of my mind and ended it with a "go home to your wife".

I am confused when you say when a man/woman cheats it is actually helping to save their relationship--how is that? I never knew that cheating would help save a relationship.

If someone wanted to save their marriage they would go about it in a different. However this man doesn't even seem like he wants to save his marriage and might not love anyone (including his wife) and will continue to cheat with whoever is willing to.

I think he is in the wrong but two wrongs never makes it right.

I understand why you would ask that Liz. Most people don't agree with me on this point, and I see why.

In a relationship where (I presume) the wife has lived with her husband's affairs for a long time, and has chosen to stay, there must be some benefit. Maybe the benefit is financial, maybe it's for the sake of the kids, maybe the guy is a great guy with fine qualities, with the exception of, he sleeps around, and she knows it.

Maybe they have a partnership more than a marriage. When you consider what it takes to make a marriage work, everything doesn't revolve around how it is supposed to be by most people's standards.

I'm not saying the wife in question shouldn't get counselling with her husband, and the two of them should work on coming clean about this part of their relationship.

But, after 10 years, I think it's safe to say that she's as happy with the way things are, as he is, and so too is the OP.

Our thinking that the OP is the cause of this problem of infidelity isn't fair. The infidelity happened long before she came along, and will go on long after she moves on. That she chooses to have this affair not only dosen't make her a bad or horrible person, anymore than the wife who ignores her husbands trysts, or the husband with a long line of affairs. It's just not fair to judge.

I personally know a woman, she is a friend of mine, and has been for many years. She is committed to her marriage, but she also has a commitment to her lover on the side. I didn't abandon her when I became aware of this, but everybody else did.

Five years on, her daughter is about to get married, her husband has just retired, and the lover is still seen once in a while.

I sat back and just listened. This 'triangle' worked for her, and gave her what she needed, and she was happy with that. Still is.

IF she had asked me what I personally thought, I'd have said, you need to get rid of ManB, and concentrate on Man A, your husband. Knowing her as long as I have, I can't turn around and suddenly see her as some sort of monster. She is the same person.

I think that maybe, just maybe, the benefit to her, kept her marriage together. Who knows, maybe the same holds true for our OP's boyfriends wife?

I for one never blame the OP for this man infidelity and I don't think our members wasn't either. Everyone was just pointing out how unhealthy it was. The man is wrong but this is his behavior but it doesn't make it right.

I to have a friend that just stopped dating a married man for 11 years. I seen the struggles she went through but it was her fault. The wife knew about it but she didn't care until she got fed up with it and came after my friend with a knife. That woke her up to leave.

After reading the OP other post I see she have some unhealthy views and I just hope that counseling helps her open her eyes and get her on a healthy road.

This is, however, assuming the wife does indeed know and is OK with the way things are. That is not known though, and from what the OP has stated, it doesn't appear that she does know. Even if she did, it does not automatically mean she is "happy" with how things are... as you said, there are many reasons someone might stay in a relationship.

Does your friend's husband know of her lover? Is he truly OK with it or does he just turn a blind eye to keep his family together? Does he have someone on the side as well? Do you know if this is something they agreed upon together as being OK in their marriage?

The difference is that if all of the parties involved are OK with it, that is one thing... some people truly are OK with open relationships... it is entirely different if it is carried forth through lies and deception.

I think society in general has a very dim view of 'the other woman'.

As to our OP, because she seems so capable and smart to me, I do hope that counselling might open up some other possibilities too. I'm really impressed with her taking that route.

I'm not sure what will happen with my friend with the 'friend' on the side; it's quite possible it could end a disaster. Nothing can guarantee a happy ending under those circumstances.

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a soul) I came seeking advice and i got some great help. I decided after talking to people here that I should seek professional advice and I made an appointment with a counsellor. I see there is a problem and I am making progress at getting it resolved.


Glad to hear you feel you have had some help and thoughts to consider regarding your doubts. Sometimes it can be difficult to separate your feelings and when you start to question yourself, or wonder about a situation you find yourself in, then it is a time to step back and take a look at things with perhaps a different perspective.

Good luck with the counseling and with discovering what you are comfortable with. If you decide that at some point you would like to be in a relationship where you and your partner can give of yourselves freely and completely, I hope you find that too.

You're not a horrible person. But what you're doing isn't good at all either. If you love someone and they love you back, they should give their love to you and only you, same thing with you giving your only love to him. Plus he's basically cheating on both his wife and you. I suggest you stop seeing each other because I don't think this relationship is very healthy.

I personally know a woman, she is a friend of mine, and has been for many years. She is committed to her marriage, but she also has a committment to her lover on the side. I didn't abandon her when I became aware of this, but everybody else did.

Five years on, her daughter is about to get married, her husband has just retired, and the lover is still seen once in a while.

I sat back and just listened. This 'triangle' worked for her, and gave her what she needed, and she was happy with that. Still is.

IF she had asked me what I personally thought, I'd have said, you need to get rid of ManB, and consentrate on Man A, your husband. Knowing her as long as I have, I can't turn around and suddenly see her as some sort of monster. She is the same person.

I think that maybe, just maybe, the benefit to her, kept her marriage together. Who knows, maybe the same holds true for our OP's boyfriends wife?

If everyone abandoned her then I presume that a lot of people knew about her having an affair, meaning that the husband probably knew as well and since he didn't leave he must have accepted it in one form or another. Even if it is only one sided this still counts to me as an open relationship.
In the OP's situation there is a chance the wife know, there is a chance she doesn't.
If it is the latter than these two situations are completely different.

I'm not religious but I still see adultery behind your partners back as a sin, and even if the victim doesn't know of it a sin is still an act of Evil.

That being said I agree that the husband is the one most at fault here, and he would continue with the OP or without.
The other woman isn't the main "offender" in these situations, but more often than not they don't help either.

I just read your other post https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-sexuality/wrong-enjoy-job-sex-worker-357582-3.html

So I just want to know "Do you have feelings for this guy?" You stated he just to deal with prositutes but you stated you are one so what is difference?

After reading the OP other post I see she have some unhealthy views and I just hope that counseling helps her open her eyes and get her on a healthy road.

Unhealthy views in your eyes... I don't have unhealthy views. I just don't think the same as the majority. Just because I have a different view on things does not mean I ma living an unhealthy life.

Im not on drugs, I'm not an alcohlic, Im not depressed, I don't self-hate. I don't have a mental illness.

I MAY have a sex addiction ( which is why counselling is on Tuesday)
I DO have different views on relationships and marriage than the majority of people I know.. but does that make my life wrong?

Don't take offense to any of the posts Meow , remember they are all just each individuals opinions.

And each post is just a piece of the jigsaw to be put together to sort your problem.

We can all see your heading in the right direction by your actions to get couselling.

Hang in there Hon :)

So I just want to know "Do you have feelings for this guy?" You stated he just to deal with prositutes but you stated you are one so what is difference?

Absolutley I have feelings for this guy. I didn't at first. He was just a "friend with benefits" at the bginning. But after a year of seeing him, I have fallen for him.

I may be a prostitute, but I am capable of falling in love. The difference between him seeing a sex worker and him seeing me is : I do not take money from him, OUr relationship is on a personal level (whereas a prostitute only offers sex), We have in everyway a "normal" boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. There are feelings involved by both of us.

Just because I am a sex worker, doesn't mean that once I leave work I don't have a "normal" life with "normal" feelings and needs.

I just want to thank all of those that took the time to leave comments on this question.

Im not going to make any more comments about this, as the question I wanted to know answers to, has somewhat been answered.

Am I horrible? No I am not.
Some people view that what I am doing is wrong and that is completely OK. Their moral views are a little different to mine.

I am seeking counselling regarding a few issues I feel the need to talk to someone about. That doesn't mean I am going to quit doing what I am doing, it just means Im taking a good look within myself to see if there are reasons I am living my life this way.

I won't be making any more comments on this thread, like I said, my question is answered. The other questions that have come into this thread, regarding the married mans guilt etc, are not what I came here to discuss. I can't speak on his behalf.

Thank you again to everyone that helped steer me in the direction of counselling.. I should have done it a long time ago.

The genuine people on this site are wonderful. What a pleasure its been to open up to you all.

x x x x

My post wasn't to offense you but it was just a questions because I know eariler in this thread you mention about him sleeping with prositutes.

Also, these questions will come up in your counseling. So it just something to think about it.

In the end, like everyone else, I had you get all the help you need and I am glad you came to this site because if you didn't you would have never made an appointment to see a counselor and wouldn't be starting this new journey.

Im not going to make any more comments about this, as the question I wanted to know answers to, has somewhat been answered.

I am seeking counselling regarding a few issues I feel the need to talk to someone about.

I for one would be interested to hear how your counselling sessions go.

I for one would be interested to hear how your counselling sessions go.

Definitely... an update will be nice... she is going for the counseling session on Tuesday... :)

I for one would be interested to hear how your counselling sessions go.

I will definaltetly come back and let you know how I went with the counslleor. There has been a few people that have asked me to let them know how it goes. Im a bit nervouse about it, but looking forward to it!

Add me to the list for an update, and best of luck with your counsellor.

Add me to the list for an update, and best of luck with your counsellor.

Absolutely! Thank you for bringing a different outlook to this post x x

I understand that you are just having fun with the guy but you should think about yourself. You are ruining your chances of having a happy healthy relationship with that special someone because you are with this married man. It will end eventually and you will get older. You should really stop and think about yourself. He is selfish and he doesn't really love you.

sorry, what i meant was, ive put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a seperate question in a different area regarding addiction.

Yes i asked the question here - am i horrible? You have all answered yes, i accept that answer.

Oh my gosh, I totally disagree... you are NOT horrible. Neither is your lover. It's hard to go against the social norm. Everyone is trying to get you to conform, they do have their points, but it's not always so black and white. You aren't the married one, even if you are aware that he is... even if he is married... I don't think it's so bad. Rule rules rules... blah.

Ok, my apologies... I didn't read the entire thread before I answered, I couldn't help it... when I read that you accepted being a 'horrible' person, it broke my heart.

The fact is that it is not a socially 'acceptable' act to sleep with a married man... especially when you know that he is a married man. But my point was that things aren't always as they seem. Yes, ideally (or majorly accepted), you may want to be involved with just one person and have all of your needs met, whether emotional, intellectual, or sexual (not an exclusive list)... but the fact is that many marriages fall short, for whatever reason, especially after more time elapses together. And that you're not the married 'party' means a lot to me, personally. (well, even if you were, there's still lots to discuss there). Anyhow... if you weren't his lover, even if he had others, he would fill this position with another... so that you are getting your needs met doesn't mean that it's at the expense of his marriage.

I hope you find what you're looking for in the counselling. I just want you to know that I understand your un-easiness in your questioning, mostly because your actions don't conform to the 'standard' of a happy-ever-after relationship standard. If it were OK to meet your needs outside of this standard, I honestly don't think people wouldn't be so harsh in their judgements. I admire you in not putting yourself in the position in telling his wife... totally not your place, it's his - if he were to choose to do so. Stay strong and stay focused in what it is you need in life. Maybe this isn't your best choice in life, and maybe it's not so damning after all. Take care of yourself... and don't be your worst critic. (sorry if this response offends others... it's my 'experienced' opinion)

Oh my gosh, I totally disagree ... you are NOT horrible. Neither is your lover. It's hard to go against the social norm. Everyone is trying to get you to conform, they do have their points, but it's not always so black and white. You aren't the married one, even if you are aware that he is ... even if he is married ... I don't think it's so bad. Rule rules rules ... blah.


This would be fine as long as his wife is in agreement... which seems doubtful since he apparently has not mentioned this and he has mentioned cheating on his wife in the past. If everyone involved was "ok" with this, it wouldn't be cheating and there would be no issue... Meow wouldn't have even questioned whether she was wrong.

Just because he would likely go elsewhere doesn't make it OK to be a party to it. That is like telling someone is it OK to sell drugs to an addict, since you are having your need of making money fulfilled, and because they would just buy elsewhere if you didn't do it.

It is just another way to justify someone's actions in their own mind... it is ultimately thinking of themselves and not the others involved. The mentality becomes that if you can't actually see someone getting hurt, then it makes it OK to continue... personal responsibility and simple respect for another person go out the window.

This would be fine as long as his wife is in agreement....which seems doubtful since he apparently has not mentioned this and he has mentioned cheating on his wife in the past. If everyone involved was "ok" with this, it wouldn't be cheating and there would be no issue....Meow wouldn't have even questioned whether or not she was wrong.

Just because he would likely go elsewhere doesn't make it ok to be a party to it. That is like telling someone is it ok to sell drugs to an addict, since you are having your need of making money fulfilled, and because they would just buy elsewhere if you didn't do it.

It is just another way to justify someone's actions in their own mind....it is ultimately thinking of themselves and not the others involved. The mentality becomes that if you can't actually see someone getting hurt, then it makes it ok to continue.....personal responsibility and simple respect for another person go out the window.

Well, first and foremost, this is NOT like selling drugs. Totally different issue here and not worth defending - there's no connection. My response would be completey different (and non-existent for that matter) if we were talking about selling drugs.

And "This would be fine as long as his wife is in agreement"... depending on how you look at that statement, maybe it isn't OK, maybe it is. Doula, you sound very wise, very idealistic, but in time, the 'ideal' doesn't always hold true. There are needs we all have that can't necessarily be filled by our spouse. Which doesn't mean we don't love our significant other. And doesn't mean we don't picture ourselves growing old together. We have commitments. We'll fulfill them, not at the expense of depriving ourselves, nor despite them, but being resourceful, we'll go after what we want or feel we need - and live full happy lives - in lieu of the ideals of most individuals - what we've been taught to idealize. This is where Meow is questioning life, because it's not standard. She's bright and inquisitive and felt the need for other's opinions... that's totally normal. This is my opinion. Having an 'open' relationship opens a whole new set of moral issues... which is what seems to be recommended here.

Free yourself from the bondage of loving the wrong person. You can't be completely happy knowing that you are also hurting somebody else.

I agree, acting in this way doesn't mean you don't love your spouse... and everyone has desires. However, people do need to decide when they think first of themselves, and when they put their spouse and marriage first.

How much did they really mean those marriage vows or what level of commitment do they really have? Is it only up to a point? If your spouse/partner gets sick, injured, boring, lazy, addicted, etc. does that mean all deals are off? Lying and cheating are allowed at that point. For some people, I suppose that would be true... would be nice if all spouses would get to know that up front.

When you decide to lie and cheat to get what you want, you are putting your desires ahead of your marriage.

This man has an admitted addiction, and as with any addiction, participating in its continuation, and justifying doing so because "it would happen anyway", does not truly help the person. This man could pass on disease and not even know it, or since he has an addiction, he likely would continue to lie even if did know about it, he could have fathered children... or pregnancies that ended in abortion, without even knowing it. He could still be picking up prostitutes on the side.

When you deal with someone who would lie in this manner to someone they profess to love in order to continue doing what they want to do, and especially when they have an addiction, they will lie to anyone for that same reason. I'm sure Meow is not foolish enough to believe he is always totally honest with her as he no doubt proclaims to be. An addict will do what is necessary to get what they want.

As with a drug addict, it only ignores the real issue and does nothing to help the person with the addiction.

An open relationship does bring in new moral issues, however why should it be recommended to fullfil his addiction... again to serve only his desires? There are two people in a marriage, in this case three, or perhaps more. Do they get to decide how it should be dealt with because they are in the majority? Sorry honey, my mistress and I decided that we should have an open marriage because that is how "we" want it to be? Perhaps they should tell her and give her that option... then at least she would know what's been going on and can decide to stay or divorce him. If she decides to stay married and turn a blind eye, then fine... everyone is on the same page, no lying or cheating... continue as it has been. It might even lose some of its appeal... and I wonder what he would think if his wife decided to check out her options in an open relationship.

Why should it not be recommended that he seek help, be honest with his wife, work on rebuilding his relationship with his wife, at least make an effort to honor the vows he took when he married?. and if it turns out he can't, or chooses not to, then give his wife the option of ending the marriage.

He likely won't do that because he wants to have it both ways. He doesn't want to leave his wife, but he doesn't want to stop thinking of his needs first. Meow could really help him by encouraging him to seek counseling as well.

We won't agree on how the topic should be handled, but it is interesting to see how others perceive the situation.

No, dear. You are not horrible, and don't ever think that about yourself - no matter what anyone else may say. You are a human being and as such you are subject to err. All I will say is I have been on the receiving and the giving end of an affair, and both sides are equally difficult. If you are feeling guilty, that is your conscience, your intuition telling you maybe it's time to walk away. Never force yourself to stay in any situation that makes you question your self-worth. Life is so full of stress created by circumstances beyond our control. Do what you can to be happy in situations that you can control. (((((Big hugs)))))

OK so this is an update for all of those that have been follow my threads.

I went and saw the counsellor/therapist on Tuesday. It was awesome.
It opened up a whole different issues I need to deal with lol but the amount of self acceptance I am feeling is fantastic.

So here are a few things that he spoke to me about, and basically how it all ties into my threads.

After many questions and probing into my brain, the therapist said that My line of work has not played with my head. He said I am a very rational, level headed 30yr old. He could see why I was questioning whether it is right or wrong to be a sex worker and came up with the conclusion that yes a lot of people think it is a bad thing, that is just their opinions. It is not effecting me in a negative way at all.

After our talk he could see my need and love of helping people and he suggested even starting up a group for couples/singles on how to keep sexual relationships healthy.

When I discussed my partner, who is a married man, he basically told me that, that type of relationship is all based on (again) your own belief systems. It might not be something people agree with but at the end of the day, its all about what works for each individual. And as for right now, its working for me quite well.

I told my partner about seeing a therapist. He straight away was very concerned that he was causing me grief, but I assured him, it isn't him, it was just my own head accepting the situation.

The therapist did not want to discuss my partner for long at all. He said that from what he can see, it's a casual relationship that is discreet and for now, bringing joy to my life.

Now, this is where it got interesting. I brought up my sex addiction. After more probing, he came to the conclusion, that I am not adicted to sex, but that I may have an issue with power. Needing power over men. And sex apparently is my tool.

After many questions about my dad, the therapist is very keen to do regressive therapy and hypnosis. I am not too sure on this idea. He says that the most pivotal things in our life, happen before we are 5yrs old. He thinks that something has happened to me when I was young. Could be something small. Could be something bad.

I personally don't want to go probing into that I have blocked out for whatever reason. If I found out my dad molested me, I will seriously kill him. Without even a thought.

Also he said I have unnatural tendacies to protect my loved ones. I don't understand that. I will die for my family. We have been through tough times and Im sure most people are the same. But apparently my need to keep my family safe is abnormal.

So yeah that's pretty much it. It was only one session though, Im going back next week.

It made me realise that, OK, I may be a sex addicted, prostitute that is dating a married man, and that may be something the majority of people in society would not agree with... but that's OK! Its fine! As long as I can look in the mirror every morning and like who I am, be proud of all that Ive accomplished, love my family, make them proud... as long as my family love me then I really don't give a toss what the rest of the world thinks :)

Ok so that's the basics I guess.. Ive been walking around with my head a little higher I must admit lol.

I want to thank all of those who left comments, whether they were helpful or not. I love that this site is an open space for us all to voice all of our different and unique opinions.

When reading peoples questions, don't judge their actions... at the end of the day, they are here for an answer.. lets help people, not put them down x x x x x

I'm very happy to hear that you went for your counselling session. It's good to have someone listen and confirm your thoughts and feelings, and talk them out with you.

I would caution you on the regression thereapy. There are very few who are qualified, and/or skilled enough to not only do this type of therapy, but interpret the results. I do not see the need personally, from what you have said here, to find a 'cause' that might explain your occupation or lifestyle. Just my opinion.

I get it that he thinks that your occupation is about control over men, with sex, but I'm not sure I agree with that. Men come to you, you provide services that they want. I would say that is a mutually agreeable business decision. He seems to be going down a road with its own prejudices here, that what you do is caused by something, or a need in a psychological way. Why isn't it just what it is. I don't see control issues, or causes for having control issues, unless of course, there was something in your past that might justify this train of thought.

Interesting about the couples therapy. When you consider the number of men who seek out women for sex in the industry, and you've said that a large majority of them just want to talk, you probably have good insight as to what they need, want, or are missing in their own relationships. Your experiences would also make a good book.

Surely there must be more answers out there as to why half of marriages fail, if not more.

Remember that you are in charge. Don't be afraid to ask the therapist questions about his questions! Like anything else, you have the final say into which territory you are comfortable going.

I'm glad that it made you feel better, and appreciate that you came back and let us all know how it went for you.

OK so this is an update for all of those that have been follow my threads.

I went and saw the counsellor/therapist on Tuesday. It was awesome.
It opened up a whole different issues I need to deal with lol but the amount of self acceptance I am feeling is fantastic.

So here are a few things that he spoke to me about, and basically how it all ties into my threads.

After many questions and probing into my brain, the therapist said that My line of work has not played with my head. He said I am a very rational, level headed 30yr old. He could see why I was questioning whether or not it is right or wrong to be a sex worker and came up with the conclusion that yes alot of people think it is a bad thing, that is just their opinions. It is not effecting me in a negative way at all.

After our talk he could see my need and love of helping people and he suggested even starting up a group for couples/singles on how to keep sexual relationships healthy.

When I discussed my partner, who is a married man, he basically told me that, that type of relationship is all based on (again) your own belief systems. It might not be something people agree with but at the end of the day, its all about what works for each individual. And as for right now, its working for me quite well.

I told my partner about seeing a therapist. He straight away was very concerned that he was causing me grief, but i assured him, it isnt him, it was just my own head accepting the situation.

The therapist did not want to discuss my partner for long at all. He said that from what he can see, its a casual relationship that is discreet and for now, bringing joy to my life.

Now, this is where it got interesting. I brought up my sex addiction. After more probing, he came to the conclusion, that I am not adicted to sex, but that I may have an issue with power. Needing power over men. And sex apparently is my tool.

After many questions about my dad, the therapist is very keen to do regressive therapy and hypnosis. I am not too sure on this idea. He says that the most pivotal things in our life, happen before we are 5yrs old. He thinks that something has happened to me when I was young. Could be somthing small. Could be something bad.

I personally dont want to go probing into that I have blocked out for whatever reason. If I found out my dad molested me, I will seriously kill him. Without even a thought.

Also he said I have unnatural tendacies to protect my loved ones. I dont understand that. I will die for my family. We have been thru tough times and Im sure most people are the same. But apparently my need to keep my family safe is abnormal.

So yeah thats pretty much it. It was only one session tho, Im going back next week.

It made me realise that, ok, I may be a sex addicted, prostitute that is dating a married man, and that may be something the majority of people in society would not agree with...but thats ok! Its fine! As long as I can look in the mirror every morning and like who I am, be proud of all that Ive accomplished, love my family, make them proud...as long as my family love me then I really dont give a toss what the rest of the world thinks :)

Ok so thats the basics I guess.. Ive been walkin around with my head a little higher I must admit lol.

I want to thank all of those who left comments, whether they were helpful or not. I love that this site is an open space for us all to voice all of our different and unique opinions.

When reading peoples questions, dont judge their actions... at the end of the day, they are here for an answer..lets help people, not put them down x x x x x

The main thing that I get out of this and apparently your therapist hasn't is it is all about YOU. You say it isn't negatively effecting YOU, it is about YOUR belief system,
At the end of the day it is about what works for each individual, etc...

Do you think this is working for the married mans wife if she knew about it?

After our talk he could see my need and love of helping people and he suggested even starting up a group for couples/singles on how to keep sexual relationships healthy.
I think this is a really good avenue for you to explore. You have an ability to listen constructively, and it would be good to expand and develop it in other areas of your life beyond your current occupation.



Now, this is where it got interesting. I brought up my sex addiction. After more probing, he came to the conclusion, that I am not adicted to sex, but that I may have an issue with power. Needing power over men. And sex apparently is my tool.
So how about it, does this seem at all plausible to you? Nothing you've said so far would lead me to think so.


After many questions about my dad, the therapist is very keen to do regressive therapy and hypnosis. I am not too sure on this idea. He says that the most pivotal things in our life, happen before we are 5yrs old. He thinks that something has happened to me when I was young. Could be something small. Could be something bad.

I personally don't want to go probing into that I have blocked out for whatever reason. If I found out my dad molested me, I will seriously kill him. Without even a thought.

I agree with Jake2008 that you should be very cautious about the regression therapy, particularly since you have reservations about it. Listen to your heart on this. Many lives have been ruined by so-called "recovered memories" that may or may not be real. If your therapist truly believes that there has to be some deep dark secret from your childhood to explain the way you are as an adult, you can be sure that he will find one, even if he has to put it there himself. Not that he would do it with malicious intent, but his belief system would manifest itself in his questioning and suggestions under hypnosis. Even if you were molested as a very young child, it may not have been by your dad, and the consequences of a mistaken identity are so horrific as to be unthinkable. I would say that if you honestly and truly have no reason to suspect your dad of anything improper, you should leave it alone.


Also he said I have unnatural tendacies to protect my loved ones. I don't understand that. I will die for my family. We have been through tough times and Im sure most people are the same. But apparently my need to keep my family safe is abnormal.

I assume we're talking here about your keeping them in the dark about what it is you really do for a living. Given the strong negative judgments most people make about prostitution, it seems pretty understandable to me. I'd also suggest that it may be as much about protecting yourself (from their disapproval) as it is about protecting them (from self-blame and disappointment). But either way, hiding the truth about such an important aspect of yourself from those you love is bound to take a toll on you in the long run, so I think you need to count that cost.


It was only one session though, Im going back next week.
Good, keep it up for awhile, but don't allow yourself to be stampeded into anything you're not truly OK with. It's entirely acceptable to get second and third opinions from other counselors. Sometimes they may feel rejected if you decide to talk to someone else, but you absolutely should NOT let anyone guilt-trip you into continuing with a therapist (or a therapeutic approach) you don't feel comfortable with.


As long as I can look in the mirror every morning and like who I am, be proud of all that Ive accomplished, love my family, make them proud... as long as my family love me then I really don't give a toss what the rest of the world thinks :)
I see a real conflict here between the obvious love you have for your family and wanting to "make them proud", and keeping the BIG SECRET from them. You clearly feel that they would NOT be proud if they knew the truth.

As I see it, your choice is between telling them the truth and working through the consequences with them, or changing your occupation so you don't have a big secret to keep. In addition to the rewards of the work itself, this would be another big factor in favor of going back to school to become qualified as a counselor/therapist.

Thank you so much for coming back to give us an update. We do put a lot of ourselves into these pages, and it's a huge payoff to know that we have been of some help. Too often, we get no feedback or continuing dialogue at all, and that's kind of an emotional ripoff, so thanks again. You have a lot of courage and a good heart.

How on earth are you taking his wife's feelings into consideration, you are horrible, sleeping with a married man is the worst thing you could ever do, as a wife, it's heart breaking, makes you feel sick to think about it and it hurts

What a load of opinionated garbage answers from a lot of bigoted small minded fools.

Take it from me Meow, you are not a horrible person, you are simple normal and honest. In fact I would venture that you seem better adjusted and “normal” than many of the people who replied.

Please separate love from sex and both from marriage. Sex is just a pleasurable physical activity – just like dancing the salsa. Love is an intense feeling about another person. Marriage is a mutual support relationship involving protection, support and friendship.

The three do not necessarily overlap.

Good on you Meow, don't change a thing, and do not doubt yourself. You are worth a thousand of these silly small minded fools.

Please separate love from sex and both from marriage. Sex is just a pleasurable physical activity – just like dancing the salsa. Love is an intense feeling about another person. Marriage is a mutual support relationship involving protection, support and friendship.

The three do not necessarily overlap.


I Agree with your point that the three can be completely separate things, however in this case they are not. If you agree to have sex with other people, or even to have emotional relationships with other people then it is okay. However this did not happen, The agreement in the mans marriage was for them both to remain loyal, both physically and emotionally. (at least as far as I know, be a kind of pointless thread if it wasn't) And this man having sex behind his wife's back, even if its just physical pleasure, is downright betrayal.