A couple days ago I got a surprise instant message from an ex-girlfriend who dumped me about a year ago, and we haven't talked at all in that year except once via email where I asked her for advice about someone I was dating. We ended up chatting online for about an hour this time, she asked me if I was still with my girlfriend and we discovered that we both ended relationships about a month ago. We also talked a little about our relationship (she brought it up) and she mentioned that she didn't dump me because of a lack of attraction, but rather she felt I had some growing to do. The rest of the conversation very much seemed like an "evaluation" possibly to determine if I indeed had done some growing/maturing.

The conversation went well for the most part; we had a few laughs, and I was the one who (politely) ended our chat. I showed absolutely no hint of desperation and did not indicate any interest in rekindling things; I had a "cool and casual" attitude and we didn't talk at all about us getting back together.

Obviously, I'm interested in getting back with her. The thing is, I'm not so sure how this "evaluation" went for her; she was pretty neutral, just as I was, so neither of is sure what the other is thinking. So I'm wondering what I should do here... no contact and wait for her to contact me again? Or should I wait a week or so, give her a call and ask her to meet for lunch? Or maybe there's a better option? Input is greatly appreciated here, thanks!

All of it means nothing unless you understand why you broke up and why things might be different now.

all of it means nothing unless you understand why you broke up and why things might be different now.

I basically had insecurity issues. Other than that we had a good, functional relationship. I am definitely much more confident now than a year ago. I really think if we gave it another shot it could turn into something great.

*** edited in... the following link is not about the ex he is interested in, tho' is does provide background about what's the OP'er has recently been through with a different girl. ***

Other posters, please read the back story
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-lying-349112.html#post1709605

Well... I'm for knowing reality as soon as possible...

So... as much as I tend to think once you've separated, its usually broken, what the hell... you have to sleep with yourself. I don't hafta sleep with you. All your risk.

When the girl you were dating talks about marrying some other guy... I think it's a big arse kick to the boys.

Don't care if its real or if it's a fake out.

So... you need to think about who you care more about. Her, or the guys.

It isn't easy... but really... don't you want to be with a woman who needs you? Who will chase you down? Really?

Until she makes it clear that she must have you... well... she doesn't really need you.

Poster did not read carefully and is now giving other members incorrect information

Addressing the original question, Let it go for at least two weeks. If you don't hear from her by then, give her a call and ask her to lunch.

Meanwhile, did you mature? How? And how do you know? Did she ever tell you where you needed to mature when you were together?

Addressing the original question, Let it go for at least two weeks. If you don't hear from her by then, give her a call and ask her to lunch.

Meanwhile, did you mature? How? And how do you know? Did she ever tell you where you needed to mature when you were together?

Thanks, I really appreciate the advice.

This girl was my first relationship after not dating for about 8 years because I was in a long term with someone. She just couldn't handle my insecurity... things like not wanting to go out much and not being social... or not being assertive enough and letting her make all the decisions. After we broke up I just went out there and dated a lot... got back in the swing of things so to speak. This did a lot to increase my confidence... I know this because I feel completely comfortable around women now whereas I was a nervous wreck just a year ago. I'm comfortable in my own skin, I joke around, I'm the life of the party. Like I said, I hadn't dated in 8 years and just needed to get out there and have some experience.

Thanks, I really appreciate the advice.

This girl was my first relationship after not dating for about 8 years because I was in a long term with someone. She just couldn't handle my insecurity......things like not wanting to go out much and not being social.....or not being assertive enough and letting her make all the decisions. After we broke up I just went out there and dated a lot...got back in the swing of things so to speak. This did a lot to increase my confidence....I know this because I feel completely comfortable around women now whereas I was a nervous wreck just a year ago. I'm comfortable in my own skin, I joke around, I'm the life of the party. Like I said, I hadn't dated in 8 years and just needed to get out there and have some experience.

Go for it, dude!

My bad for not keeping the noise straight.

Edited the post to make it clearer to others. Linking the other post was never about discrediting. It was about the facts of what you've been going through. I just didn't catch all the details at 11pm. "oops happens"

Itd sure be nice if you didn't assume the worst about the people who try to help you out on the boards here.

As for the ex in question, I wouldn't fret too much about the "right" thing to do... you know there isn't any perfect formula.

She contacted you to begin with. While that doesn't mean anything for certain, it at least is a "reason" to assume she is open to your contacting her again.

And then you had the talk... the fact she brought up your old relationship and that she was always attracted to you seems like a subtle hint at what might still be there.

Don't know that I would wait a few weeks... id make some kind of contact sooner, since assertiveness was an issue before.

You still have her email, right? I know you im'd, but you mentioned that you had emailed her about the previous girl. Why not just drop an email in a couple of days saying "glad you im'd me. was nice to talk to you. lets get together for lunch next week. how does thursday or fri work for you? at (name of some place youd meet)?"

Something like that. If she takes that as desperation, then whatever... if you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to "do things right" then it probably isn't worth the struggle.

I do think she is chasing you a little... whether she wants to get together, I can't tell you. She is just out of a relationship, like you are, and it could be rebound.

my bad for not keeping the noise straight.

edited the post to make it clearer to others. linking the other post was never about discrediting. it was about the facts of what youve been going through. i just didnt catch all the details at 11pm. "oops happens"

itd sure be nice if you didnt assume the worst about the people who try to help you out on the boards here.

as for the ex in question, i wouldnt fret too much about the "right" thing to do... you know there isnt any perfect formula.

she contacted you to begin with. while that doesnt mean anything for certain, it at least is a "reason" to assume she is open to your contacting her again.

and then you had the talk... the fact she brought up your old relationship and that she was always attracted to you seems like a subtle hint at what might still be there.

dont know that i would wait a few weeks... id make some kind of contact sooner, since assertiveness was an issue before.

you still have her email, right? i know you im'd, but you mentioned that you had emailed her about the previous girl. why not just drop an email in a couple of days saying "glad you im'd me. was nice to talk to you. lets get together for lunch next week. how does thursday or fri work for you? at (name of some place youd meet)?"

something like that. if she takes that as desperation, then whatever... if you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to "do things right" then it probably isnt worth the struggle.

i do think she is chasing you a little... whether she wants to get together, i can't tell you. she is just out of a relationship, like you are, and it could be rebound.

I'm the original poster (mogdor). For some reason my password wouldn't work and I just spent the past hour trying to fix it... something is messed up with the site, I couldn't even get an email through to technical support. I just gave up and started a new account (hope I didn't do something wrong)

Anyway... I appreciate it kp, you made an honest mistake and you fixed it, so I respect that... and yes I shouldn't be so quick to assume, sorry.

Yeah I just don't want to come across as sounding desperate (I did a good enough job of that when we broke up a year ago), that's why I'm wondering about how long I should wait. I do have her phone number too, do you think it might be better to call? Or would it be best to just stick with the email for now?

It'd be great to start things up again, but I can honestly say I'd be OK if we were just friends too... maybe I should mention this? I was thinking about also saying something like "my biggest regret about our breakup was that I made it difficult for us to be friends afterwards"... which is the truth. Yes the "rebound" thing did cross my mind... so I will be proceeding with caution!

If you got all of your problems worked out, not sure insecurity issues can be resolved that quickly, as well as jumping into the gist of things with the possibility of another relationship. It seems this is a recipe for disaster, you both just got out of relationships and could be looking to cure the loneliness. But you aren't looking for advice on that, if you want to play the game, I can't help you. I am a straight forward type of guy, I'd ask her to lunch, see how things go and then move on from the lunch.

I think the email is easy enough. No putting her on the spot... but id also have a definite suggestion... lunch [here] at [this time]? She can say no, that wouldn't work, but it shows her you are willing to meet and you are driving it a little without being desperate.

If you email her this week, but make the potential date a week or two out, that might suggest you have a life and aren't scrambling to seek out just anyone. Lets you kick around in her mind for a time, knowing you are interested in seeing her, but not at her beck and call.

You could choose a place or cuisine you know she likes. A place you've been to together. No grand performance needed... but some very subtle "im thinking about you" shouldn't be too hard if you choose something you know she likes. I wouldn't try to overdo it at this point. No flowers. No big production.

I dated a girl once for about 6 mo. We broke up. Bad timing mostly. Then we dated again about two years later. Our first "date" was at a chinese place that was across the street from our first date, by design. Made it easy to talk about "now" but then go into the past when we walked out and decided to go into that coffee shop after.

It still didn't work out long term, but I know the sentimental side snuck in a little just by choosing something that pushed her there a little. Made it easy to talk about the good times we'd had there.

You said she brought up the relationship before... not sure if id go into the "i regret" talk... at this point, even though you know each other, if she is interested in you at all, she's likely interested in who you are now, not then. If she brings it up, you might glance over this... or simply "im sorry i had my head up me arse then... its taken some time to get a clue... better late than never, right?..."

And whatever you do, don't be her girlfriend or butler. Don't overkill because of the past. Have a life without her. That should only make her more interested in getting to know what your life is now. Be busy with friends. With yourself. And with her, if that works.

I'm not much for saying "play head games" but part of the fun of getting to know someone is getting to peel off the layers, to enjoy the mystery and the discovery. So... be balanced and patient.

You really aren't through with the noise of the past relationship that just ended. Generally speaking, id probably tell you now isn't a good time to start a new relationship.

But here she is and here you are. Sometimes you got to jump first and invent the parachute after.

So, sounds like you've been through a lot of changes in a small amount of time generally speaking.

I agree with don't play games. The idea of asking her to do lunch and keep it casual sounds good. Can't hurt.

Just be yourself and if you end up going out, make sure you're being yourself and that YOU are enjoying yourself to see if this is what you really want.

I see no harm in asking her out. You're supposed to be confident now right? Show her the man you are.

I think you actually should wait for her to ask you out. In the coversation you were calm and you ended the conversation. I think you need to just step back and let her think about it and come to you.

Why do you need a chance to be with someone who dumped you? It is her turn to earn that chance to be with you now but you don't see that because you are still hung up on her. You need some self respect dude.

Sounds like you're stratigically planning on how to get her back. I would say whatever goes, goes. If things work out between you two, fine. If it doesn't, move on. Let her take the first step to rekindle this relationship if there is something to rekindle.