I am engadged to marry someone I have know and loved for 7 years now. He is a very good man and I trust he has always tried to live his life as christian as possible. He is not perfect obviously because a few years ago before we had gotten back together his ex came asking him for a favor and slept at his house. She was definitely the pursuer and they had one sexual encounter which she told him she was on BC and then after sex said she didn't say that. Exactly one month later she was pregnant. He has tried to do the right thing by her since then and stuck by her throughout the pregnancy. He is up to date with Child Support payments. He has never been married and really wants to marry me but, I am hesitant about financial obligations on my part. I want to by home and someday have children. If I own a home in only my name will she be entitled to part of it if we get married? I believe this child should have all she needs but I do not want to work hard myself to make my future children suffer to pay for another child that may not even be his biologically. We tried to get the paternity test and the court refused because he was naïve enough to sign the parentage form. This woman is very educated, over 35, working in the medical field, and I do believe she planned this pregnancy. In addition she sends him nasty text messages like.. "I am a single parent thanks to you!" Like as if she had no responsibility in the situation. Although, I believe no one was a victim and I don't want this child to suffer but I am afraid this woman could be very devious and try to take more than she really should (especially with me in the picture). My question is.. (what do I need to know to protect myself?)

First, you need to know that she IS a single mother because of your fiancée. Yes, it was partly her doing also, but she is not wrong.

As for your obligations, you do not have any. He is liable for a percentage of his salary and possibly shared child care expenses and insurance. You are not in the picture at all unless you live in a state where your income can be considered - but that is an exception, not the rule and usually subject to stipulations like he is willingly unemployed.

However, you mention living a "christian life" yet here you are concerned more for yourself than your future step child. Now, I'm not the most religious guy in the world, but that doesn't sound very "Christian" to me.

Why didn't he go for a paternity test?
Are you sure it was a one time 'mistake'?
Often when guys say 'a one time thing' it is
Only because they got caught and want it left alone.
IF YOU are buying a house I would definitely put the house in 'my name only'. That way I think if you divorce he can claim part in a settlement but I THINK she could then only go after his share of the settlement if any.

First, you need to know that she IS a single mother because of your fiancee. Yes, it was partly her doing also, but she is not wrong.

As for your obligations, you do not have any. He is liable for a percentage of his salary and possibly shared child care expenses and insurance. You are not in the picture at all unless you live in a state where your income can be considered - but that is an exception, not the rule and usually subject to stipulations like he is willingly unemployed.

However, you mention living a "christian life" yet here you are concerned more for yourself than your future step child. Now, im not the most religious guy in the world, but that doesnt sound very "Christian" to me.

Dear "I'm a pretty good dad",
I don't think I ever blamed anyone or even used the words who is "right or wrong". Thank you for your non-judgemental and objective purely factual point of view? It is unfortunate that you read my letter asking for legal help to mean that I was more concerned for myself than a future step child for which we are still trying to get a paternity test and have yet to have met since she moved out of state from Cali to NJ.

P.S. I hope this is the same sound advice you would give your own child if they asked for your help in the future... "Pretty good dad".

Dear "I'm a pretty good dad",
I don't think I ever blamed anyone or even used the words who is "right or wrong". Thank you for your non-judgemental and objective purely factual point of view?! It is unfortunate that you read my letter asking for legal help to mean that I was more concerned for myself than a future step child for which we are still trying to get a paternity test and have yet to have met since she moved out of state from Cali to NJ.

P.S. I hope this is the same sound advice you would give your own child if they asked for your help in the future..."Pretty good dad".

It actually is.

Everyone needs to calm down. I can also see where the OP is coming from. If my husband's ex-wife were to go back to court, she'd could get up to an extra $235/month in child support. Do I worry about it? Of course I do - my stepchildren are well taken care of and I love them as much as their mother does. However, if she would get that increase, it would be absolutely devastating to our income and to our daughter we have together. So I can definitely sense the OP's apprehension.

To glasscastle: attacking members on this board - as you did to stevetcg - is completely out-of-line and not allowed on this board. He sees it in a different way but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're like everyone else. We get thousands of questions from new girlfriends/fiancees/wives who swear that their partner was an innocent man who was taken advantage of by an evil, evil woman.

The bottom line is that by signing the parental acknowledgement form, your partner surrendered a lot of his rights. This is why they tell you repeatedly on the form to not sign if you have any doubt as to the paternity of the child.

She cannot go after any assets that are solely in your name. However, if he falls behind on support and you two file a joint tax return, they can intercept it and take what's "yours."

She cannot go after any assets that are solely in your name. However, if he falls behind on support and you two file a joint tax return, they can intercept it and take what's "yours."

That's actually not 100% accurate. There is a form (the number escapes me) that can be filed with the tax return that will allow the "injured spouse" to still receive their share of the return.

The bottom line is that the support is his responsibility and the OP cannot be held liable for it. But like I originally said - her income MAY be used to calculate the amount due by her fiancée once they get married in certain circumstances in certain areas.

Thats actually not 100% accurate. There is a form (the number escapes me) that can be filed with the tax return that will allow the "injured spouse" to still receive their share of the return.

The bottom line is that the support is his responsibility and the OP cannot be held liable for it. But like I originally said - her income MAY be used to calculate the amount due by her fiancee once they get married in certain circumstances in certain areas.

I stand corrected - yes, the "injured spouse form" is a possibility. But that has to be filed with the return, not after, correct? So if they file together, CSA swoops in and takes it, then it's gone... right?

Dear "I'm a pretty good dad",
I don't think I ever blamed anyone or even used the words who is "right or wrong". Thank you for your non-judgemental and objective purely factual point of view?! It is unfortunate that you read my letter asking for legal help to mean that I was more concerned for myself than a future step child for which we are still trying to get a paternity test and have yet to have met since she moved out of state from Cali to NJ.

P.S. I hope this is the same sound advice you would give your own child if they asked for your help in the future..."Pretty good dad".



Your sarcasm is unwarranted and unwelcome - I understand your concerns but where is your argument with the "ex" stating: "I am an unwed mother thanks to you"? I think she is speaking the truth.

As far as her staying at his house and being the aggressor and him being a good Chrisitian man, this is the one and only time they had sex and she was the aggressor because she held a gun to his head?

I think you need to focus on the outcome, not the cause, and stop defending your fiancé.

What State? Support guidelines vary.

The bottom line (and legal answer) here is that support is based on income. A few states do factor in household income when calculating support, so you need to check your states rules.

As far as the house goes, support agencies rarely, if ever go after such assets. They barely have the resurces to go after cash assets, let alone non-cash assets. But if the title is only in your name then no worries there.

Now, as to your response to Steve. I suggest you re-read your original post. Had you simply asked the legal question, Steve's answer may have been different. But YOU brought up all the stuff about her tricking him and your feelings towards her that have no bearing on the legal issues. Steve just responded to that.

I find it odd that you come onto the board and answer one question - this one.

All of that aside if you marry a person with children the financial issues are part of that picture. I married a man with children so I've been there.

No, "we" don't know the circumstances involved. "We" only know what OP posted and that is the basis for any and all answers. "We" aren't mind readers.

And I do find the father's lifestyle to be something short of Christian - but I suppose the Christian thing is also not to judge.

Another reason when asking a legal question to stick to the facts and not the incidental, unimportant details.

I'm a Father paying Child support, I can see where Glasscastle is coming from. I don't think she wants to take anything from this child she mentioned, she just doesn't want to lose anything in the future that she worked hard for. It's a very personal subject for a lot of people and we don't know all the circumstances involved. I believe that her initial respose was not an attack but a rebuttal for the first direct answer from Steve. Secondly, when she mentioned the christian thing she was referring to his life not her own as steve may have misinterpreted.

If someone constantly referred to me as "pretty good mom" - always in quotation marks - I would read immense amounts of sarcasm and a personal attack on my parenting.

If someone constantly referred to me as "pretty good mom" - always in quotation marks - I would read immense amounts of sarcasm and a personal attack on my parenting.

Im trying to live a Christian day and let it slide. :)

Im trying to live a Christian day and let it slide. :)

And good for you, because I'm out of greenies :D

If someone constantly referred to me as "pretty good mom" - always in quotation marks - I would read immense amounts of sarcasm and a personal attack on my parenting.


Have I ever mentioned the time my stepdaughter introduced me as "my Dad's current wife?"

I'd like to mention he had been married once before, divorced for 12 years. We were married for 5 before he died.

I was always Dad's "wife," in quotes, even in Court papers!

Have I ever mentioned the time my stepdaughter introduced me as "my Dad's current wife?"

I'd like to mention he had been married once before, divorced for 12 years. We were married for 5 before he died.

I was always Dad's "wife," in quotes, even in Court papers!

*sigh* Some people are so childish. I love the "current" part of it, like he was thinking about trading you in... blech.

My 8-year-old stepson told me he was going to start calling me "S-Mom" and then started rambling about how people think he has two moms... :)

Everyone needs to calm down. I can also see where the OP is coming from. If my husband's ex-wife were to go back to court, she'd could get up to an extra $235/month in child support. Do I worry about it? Of course I do - my stepchildren are well taken care of and I love them as much as their mother does. However, if she would get that increase, it would be absolutely devastating to our income and to our daughter we have together. So I can definitely sense the OP's apprehension.

To glasscastle: attacking members on this board - as you did to stevetcg - is completely out-of-line and not allowed on this board. He sees it in a different way but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're like everyone else. We get thousands of questions from new girlfriends/fiancees/wives who swear that their partner was an innocent man who was taken advantage of by an evil, evil woman.

The bottom line is that by signing the parental acknowledgement form, your partner surrendered a lot of his rights. This is why they tell you repeatedly on the form to not sign if you have any doubt as to the paternity of the child.

She cannot go after any assets that are solely in your name. However, if he falls behind on support and you two file a joint tax return, they can intercept it and take what's "yours."

Who is "the other woman" this girl was an old flame not an ex-wife. They hardly new each other. They were not married or even in a serious relationship at the time. I don't understand the comment that "the other woman is always at fault". What is the criteria to be considered the other woman. Neither person was a victim. I am not saying she is at fault I just don't think he should be blamed entirely for the situation. No, there was never a gun to his head but she also was not raped. No one was a victim. He has taken responsibilities for what happened. Just because he didn't marry her merely because she became pregnant does not make it entirely his fault that she is an unwed single parent.

If someone constantly referred to me as "pretty good mom" - always in quotation marks - I would read immense amounts of sarcasm and a personal attack on my parenting.

The only reason I referred to him as "pretty good dad" is because that is how he referred to himself. He responded to my message quoting me incorrectly with "christian life" and I was merely quoting him as well.

I find it odd that you come onto the board and answer one question - this one.

All of that aside if you marry a person with children the financial issues are part of that picture. I married a man with children so I've been there.

No, "we" don't know the circumstances involved. "We" only know what OP posted and that is the basis for any and all answers. "We" aren't mind readers.

And I do find the father's lifestyle to be something short of Christian - but I suppose the Christian thing is also not to judge.

Another reason when asking a legal question to stick to the facts and not the incidental, unimportant details.

Thank you for your input... I have definitely learned some very harsh important lessons as a first time user to any forum!

Thank you for your input...I have definately learned some very harsh important lessons as a first time user to any forum!

Sure, he did make a mistake by having premarital sex and did give in to temptations. Just because you are christian doesn't mean you are infalliable. We all make mistakes or use poor judgement at some point in our lives. He really has tried to make things right and amicable.

Have I ever mentioned the time my stepdaughter introduced me as "my Dad's current wife?"

I'd like to mention he had been married once before, divorced for 12 years. We were married for 5 before he died.

I was always Dad's "wife," in quotes, even in Court papers!

I appreciate the information you provided regarding your own personal experience in your life. I have no children, have never been married, and already support a very ill brother financially. I would love to get to know and love this child I just wanted some more information from someone who's been there so as I might prepare myself for any legal issues in the future. I am sorry to hear of your spouse's death and I truly do embrace the advice you offered about leaving out unnecessary details. I will remember that from now on if I ever plan on asking strangers in the public for advice. The only reason I added background information was to explain my reason for being concerned about the possibility of legal issues in the future. I want to be part of this child's life even though neither he or I has had a chance to meet her. I AM looking forward to the day. I just wanted to prepare myself from any possibility of garnishing of assets (and yes he is up to date paying all child support). I use these to provide a home for my younger brother and my grandmother whom my sister and I share responsibilities for. My concern was for the home not the money.

Everyone needs to calm down. I can also see where the OP is coming from. If my husband's ex-wife were to go back to court, she'd could get up to an extra $235/month in child support. Do I worry about it? Of course I do - my stepchildren are well taken care of and I love them as much as their mother does. However, if she would get that increase, it would be absolutely devastating to our income and to our daughter we have together. So I can definitely sense the OP's apprehension.

To glasscastle: attacking members on this board - as you did to stevetcg - is completely out-of-line and not allowed on this board. He sees it in a different way but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're like everyone else. We get thousands of questions from new girlfriends/fiancees/wives who swear that their partner was an innocent man who was taken advantage of by an evil, evil woman.

The bottom line is that by signing the parental acknowledgement form, your partner surrendered a lot of his rights. This is why they tell you repeatedly on the form to not sign if you have any doubt as to the paternity of the child.

She cannot go after any assets that are solely in your name. However, if he falls behind on support and you two file a joint tax return, they can intercept it and take what's "yours."

He did have doubts about the paternity but he felt terrible about the situation that he accepted that responsibility because he didn't want to put her through any more distress at the time. He never complains about his obligations or talks ill of her. He merely stated the facts of what happened and as his very close and longterm friend (before our engadgement) I advised him to obtain this test for practical purposes. It doesn't matter to me that he pays child support. I was going to adopt children in the future anyway it was only the house I was concerned about. The story and what she has written to him sounded a little suspicious and is why I was concerned about her trying to obtain more out of vengeance. When I ask him why he didn't get the test he answered "I didn't want to hurt her feelings". I really want him to part of this child's life. My sister and I growing up without parents I learned how important and valuable it is to have them.

Please do not use e-mail or private messages to respond to a reply to your thread. Such tools should only be used for correspondence of a personal nature.

I was a bit confused about your e-mail You referred to my comment rules post, but no negative comments were made. That post refers to using the comments FEATURE (Rate This Answer button). Not to a reply to a post. So there was no violation of rules in your thread. So there was no uneven application of rules.

I'm sorry you did not like Steve's comments. But as I said, he was responding to what you posted. You opened the door and I didn't find his comments to be as rude or harsh as you seemed to take them. That may be why no one else commented on them. Definitely not as rude as your sarcastic response. Neither his response nor yours violated any of the site rules, but that doesn't mean that other members can't refer to them in their responses.

Yes sometimes responses are harsh, here. Sometimes the truth hurts. If you feel someone has been overly rude or violates any of the rules, please feel free to use the Report Inappropriate Post link and the moderators will review the post and take appropriate action.

Please do not use e-mail or private messages to respond to a reply to your thread. Such tools should only be used for correspondence of a personal nature.

I was a bit confused about your e-mail You referred to my comment rules post, but no negative comments were made. That post refers to using the comments FEATURE (Rate This Answer button). Not to a reply to a post. So there was no violation of rules in your thread. So there was no uneven application of rules.

I'm sorry you did not like Steve's comments. But as I said, he was responding to what you posted. You opened the door and I didn't find his comments to be as rude or harsh as you seemed to take them. That may be why no one else commented on them. Definitely not as rude as your sarcastic response. Neither his response nor yours violated any of the site rules, but that doesn't mean that other members can't refer to them in their responses.

Yes sometimes responses are harsh, here. Sometimes the truth hurts. If you feel someone has been overly rude or violates any of the rules, please feel free to use the Report Inappropriate Post link and the moderators will review the post and take appropriate action.




And perhaps a few words about revenge reddies, carrying a difference of opinion to other threads, would fit well here. Ask Me Help Desk - FAQ (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php)

Please do not use e-mail or private messages to respond to a reply to your thread. Such tools should only be used for correspondence of a personal nature.

I was a bit confused about your e-mail You referred to my comment rules post, but no negative comments were made. That post refers to using the comments FEATURE (Rate This Answer button). Not to a reply to a post. So there was no violation of rules in your thread. So there was no uneven application of rules.

I'm sorry you did not like Steve's comments. But as I said, he was responding to what you posted. You opened the door and I didn't find his comments to be as rude or harsh as you seemed to take them. That may be why no one else commented on them. Definitely not as rude as your sarcastic response. Neither his response nor yours violated any of the site rules, but that doesn't mean that other members can't refer to them in their responses.

Yes sometimes responses are harsh, here. Sometimes the truth hurts. If you feel someone has been overly rude or violates any of the rules, please feel free to use the Report Inappropriate Post link and the moderators will review the post and take appropriate action.

The only reason I wrote to you was because of your line... P.S. Please post a response to let us know whether our answer helped or not. I didn't realize there was a specific place for this. I assumed you must be a "moderator". Thank you for the redirection.

I didn't read all the post, but your first post is very blameful on the mother. Regardless of whether she planned it, you should remember these two people had consentual sex, so it doesn't matter who pursued who. Don't remove the responsibility of what your fiancée did and put it all on the mother to make yourself feel better. Nothing changes the fact that this child exists.

The only reason I wrote to you was because of your line...P.S. Please post a response to let us know whether our answer helped or not.

Yes it says post a RESPONSE. That's was meant to mean a response in the thread. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I didnt read all the post, but your first post is very blameful on the mother. regardless of whether or not she planned it, you should remember these two people had consentual sex, so it doesnt matter who pursued who. Dont remove the responsiblity of what your fiancee did and put it all on the mother to make yourself feel better. Nothing changes the fact that this child exists.

You are right. I am also biased because I have known him and his family for many years. Her on the other hand I have only heard from others including close friends of her regarding her character. I did not intend to BLAME her only state that she was NOT A VICTIM and shouldn't keep blaming him for the situation. I just feel sympathetic towards him for having to consistently read this very abusive/demeaning messages. He was careless and knows that as do I.

You are right. I am also biased because I have known him and his family for many years. Her on the other hand I have only heard from others including close friends of her regarding her character. I did not intend to BLAME her only state that she was NOT A VICTIM and shouldn't keep blaming him for the situation. I just feel sympathetic towards him for having to consistently read this very abusive/demeaning messages. He was careless and knows that as do I.

Take a lesson from my situation. When I met my ex, he told me elaborate stories about his previous ex, with whom he had a child. I believed it because I wanted to because I liked him. We were together for several years and near the end I got pregnant. Right after he met someone new, and what did he tell her and the court and even his own family who knew me? He said I got pregnant on purpose and I I took his sperm to ta clinic an had it inserted in me. How else can you explain to someone you want to date, that you have a baby on the way. Well he painted me out as this terribly evil lying person, when no one be he and I knew the whole story. That causes a lot of frustration and anger between two parents who should try to get along for the sake of the child, and its tough, so maybe her messages come from a place of hurt and anger she has yet to overcome. Still that is for him to deal with. It only makes it worse when others start taking sides. What you hear is not always the truth. It wasn't until I met my sons grandmother that she realized her son completely lied about me.

take a lesson from my situation. when i met my ex, he told me elaborate stories about his previous ex, whith whom he had a child. I belived it because I wanted to because I liked him. We were together for several years and near the end I got pregnant. Right after he met someone new, and what did he tell her and the court and even his own family who knew me? He said I got pregnant on purpose and I I took his sperm to ta clinic an had it inserted in me. How else can you explain to someone you want to date, that you have a baby on the way. Well he painted me out as this terribly evil lying person, when no one be he and I knew the whole story. That causes a lot of frustration and anger between two parents who should try to get along for the sake of the child, and its tough, so maybe her messages come from a place of hurt and anger she has yet to overcome. Still that is for him to deal with. It only makes it worse when others start taking sides. What you hear is not always the truth. It wasnt until I met my sons grandmother that she realized her son completely lied about me.

That is truly an unfortunate story and I thank you for sharing it. I guess we never really can completely know anyone or the truth. There really is no one you could say... "NO...they would never do that because everyone is capable of really bad things." That man that murdered his wife Lacy Peterson was such a shock to people that knew them. Everyone said he seemed like such a nice guy. I guess we just have to take our risks and know that there are no guarantees in life that ANYONE will stay with us after a child even if you get married. He never spoke ill of this girl though. In fact it was the opposite. She wasn't even an ex... more like a friend. He was really beating himself up about it for a long time and extremely depressed about the circumstances. He always sees the best in people and sometimes I think people take advantage of people like him.

>Thread Closed<
As it has run it's course