My daughter who is in college will not talk or see me. She does talk to other people in the very small family. She has talked to people outside of the family about me making me into a monster. Her friends are afraid of me because of what she has said. I live 2,500 miles away from her and flew in to see her 2 months ago so that we could work on some of the issues but she wouldn't see me. She has exaggerated things & has only sees things from her perspective. I have given her everything that I could while she was growing up (but apparently it was never enough). I received very little child support so all the piano, ballet, art lessons, etc. fell on my shoulders. My financial situation has changed now and I am not able to do anything financially for her at this point.
We have a family wedding coming up. My family informed her that she will not be in the wedding party because they do not know how she will act towards me and do not want a scene. Her only thoughts were to make sure that she is seated on the opposite side of where I am seated.
I don't have any siblings and my children are all I have. I am in a lot of pain. I think of all constantly. Everything reminds me of her. Is this a new phenomenon now that kids 'hate' their moms? Will she ever come around? It's been over a half a year now... soon she will graduate college and I won't be invited. I am so hurt.
Any thoughts?

I understand your problem and at this point of time it would be very difficult to say whether she will take care of you or not because some time in college time children have different mentality and after that when they start working they understand the real meaning of life.So if your daughter will realize that she should care for you then she herself will come to you and if (I will pray it would not happen)she will not come to you then you need to be ready for this .I understand that you are old and this is very difficult for you to do work .but where is a will there is a way.So don't worry.. Everything will be all right and I will pray to god that your daughter will understand your sacrifices for her. So you take care and wish you all the best

Thank you for your thoughts Peeyush. I must add that I am not old and am not asking her to be there for me, but rather for us to be close again.

Teddy, think back to six months ago when something must have happened to cause this major rift in your relationship.

Was there an argument or major disagreement? Why would she suddenly stop talking to you suddenly six months ago. What caused it.

What are the issues you describe that you wanted to try to work out with her.

Maybe if we had some clue as to the cause, there is a way we can all put our heads together and come up with some suggestions for you.

Hi Jake2008,

Thank you for your thoughts. It has been an accumulation of many things (in her mind). She thinks that I emptied her bank account that I had started for her since she was a child. This was not money that she worked for but rather money that was given to her over the years. Some of it was money I had put away, most of it was gifts. I was saving this money for college but when she went ballistic over insisting on going to a private H.S. (even though she got a partial scholarship for it), I had to use the money to pay for that instead. My daughter seems to have 'SML' which stands for 'Selective Memory Loss'. The money issue came up 7 months ago when she realized that the bank account that I had started for her when she was little & kept up for her was no longer there. I had a kept another account for her in the same bank. There wasn't a lot of money in it but being that I had not touched it in years, the bank started charging me monthly fees of $12 or $15 a month for not only her account, but my other children's account as well my own. Being that I had put this money in there years ago & viewed it as our super emergency money, I never bothered to even open up the statements. Years went by. When I opened it up about a year ago and found money missing, I found out that they had been charging me fees for the last several years. The best that the bank could do, was to combine whatever was left from all accounts & open a CD. If I did that, they would refund 3 months of fees for all of the accounts. So I did that. We are not talking about thousands of dollars here. Everyone's account combined together was only a couple of thousand. My oldest daughter now views this as that I had 'emptied her bank account.

There are other issues as well. I moved my family across the country, I separated from my husband, she hacked into both my husband's & my own email and found things that appropriate for her to read, (such as an email saying "I hate my daughter" when I really meant "I hate my daughter's actions or her behavior"), in addition to she was a very difficult young teen. We used to get into horrible fights. She was out of control which made me react & I became out of control. I had never raised my hand to her as a child until she was a teenager. After a few major fights that brought out this person inside of me that I didn't like, I sought some parenting classes (that were given at the school) on how to deal with difficult teenage girls. She would push my buttons so badly and get in my face. Even though I would try to walk away from her, she was abusive and would follow me, yelling & screaming in my face. She was so out of hand, one time she tried to rip up all the family pictures of herself, things like that. Anyway, this is a culmination of all these years. She is an honor student in school and doesn't do drugs or smoke. She is very attractive, likes to dance, she sings semi-professionally & has a lot of friends. I really thought we were passed these horrific teenage years and can move on. The money issue 6 months ago triggered her not speaking to me. She claims that I bring drama to the table & she prefers to live without the drama & that she has no use for me in her life. The truth is, my life has little drama since she is not around. Her sister's lives has little drama since she is not around. It is much quieter here as it seems that my daughter is the one who brings the drama which I end up getting dragged into.

I hope that I've posted this correctly so that I am answering your post. I am hurting and missing my daughter so much. I think of all constantly throughout the day. I think my daughter may be getting enjoyment knowing that she is hurting me.

I've heard, 'don't give in no matter how it hurts' because if I do, she will continue to abuse me. On the other hand, I want to run to her, tell her I know she is hurting and as mother, put my arms around her and try to work it out. She has refused to go to therapy and as I've said, she won't even talk to me now. I wasn't raised with 'tough love'. I was raised with unconditional love. That's all I know. I am trying the tough love but I think it is she who is giving me the 'tough love'... by not speaking to me.

Teddy,

What is the story that she would tell if asked about why she feels this way about you? You explained the money issue, that you separated from her father and moved across the country, the emails, and the fighting, but these seem later in her behavioral history. In your opinion, what started all this? Be as objective as you can. No, it won't be fair; but you need to know if this is about her, you and her, or the family as a whole.

Since she functions well socially and in school, I assume that this behavior is contextualized around the family. How is she with her father?

What about this?


... "which made me react & I became out of control. I had never raised my hand to her as a child until she was a teenager. After a few major fights that brought out this person inside of me that I didn't like...

Talk about that person you didn't like. Did you hit her as a teenager? Did the fights get violent? Was your relationship with her father violent? There is a root somewhere in this, and if her behavior is selective, exclusively directed at you, you would be wise to look into yourself for clues.

From your description, it seems that she had lost respect for you a long time ago. Your daughter doesn't recognize the boundaries that exist between parent and child. She doesn't know how to mark a boundary and to establish and sustain it. Hence, screaming in your face, blatant disrespect, rejection, betrayal about the money issue. Since she does well socially and academically, one assumes that her perception and this behavior are just for you.

Depending on your answers—and the real story—there are remedies. They all require that you and she talk, but let's not jump to soon.

Please answer the questions I posed to you. There is more going on than has been said. Let us in on it...

Taobro

I have raised teenagers, and can relate to not understanding the person you raised, who, just seemingly minutes ago, was the product of a good upbringing, and has turned into the witch from hell.

You cannot beat yourself up for things that have happened in the past. If you were to rectify every single thing wrong that has been blamed on you, there would still be fault to be found. We don't tend to throw all the rotten things back that teenagers do to us, and keep reminding them of this time and that time, and remember when you did this? And then continue to remind them what rotten kids they were, even when they are adults.

It is because being a parent is to forgive and move on, knowing that the teen years are temporary, they grow up, and also move on into adulthood. It sounds like she's turned out well, if not a little too judgmental of you.

That she sees this issue as being revolving around the money, I can see her point about suddenly checking her bank account and finding it empty. It was her account with money, some of which were gifts to her. I really don't think that was a great idea to use that money without her knowledge or persmission, even if it was to put her in a school she wanted to go to.

If you can possibly figure out a way to resolve this, it would be a good start to break the ice. Maybe offer to purchase savings bonds, or to pay her car insurance for a year, or settle the amount at a certain total. She needs to understand that the accounts were subject to fees, and why the total is not what she was probably expecting.

As to expecting a little respect, I think you deserve that. That you flew all that way and she wouldn't even meet with you is a bit over the top on her end. You make such a huge effort at your expense to mend the relationship, and she turns you away. I doubt very much that whatever has transpired between the two of you, that you would ever do the same to her.

It could be a matter of maturing, and time is a good idea, and space. On the other hand, it sounds to me like she has lacked for nothing growing up, and continues to expect the same as an adult.

There has to be a line drawn in the sand at some point. She needs to balance the mistakes she sees you as having made, with a little respect and less attitude.

And to you. You can try your best, do your best, and provide all that you can for your children, but you will still make mistakes along the way. How adult children decide to sentence you to a life of misery and guilt really is unfair.

For now, realize you are only human after all. Sounds to me like she's really done very well, you can't 'parent' her and respond to her as you did in the past, and you cannot control anything she says to other people, including family.

Hold your head up. You've done a good job. And that job is over.

Thank you both for your thoughts. This is the first chance that I have had to read what you both wrote. I have not been near a computer the last few days. In between of some horrific fighting as a teenager, please understand that there was still a lot of good... a lot of giving & caring & loving. I didn't have this when I grew up. I tried to give her everything that I could. The money was the camel that broke the straws back but again, I didn't take the money without telling her... she begged me to go to this private high school... and I told her I would have to take the money that I had saved for her & get a loan for the rest. She has forgotten this. As for the little bit that was in her account, it is still there, just in a CD which is maturing in June. I will send her her money. I didn't have a lot of money... never went on vacations, have been driving a 12 year old car with almost 200,000K miles on it, but always gave to my children instead. It hurts me to think that she has become (as I see it) selfish... because I was always there financially when she needed it. It was just in the last few years... my life has taken a very bad turn financially so I can't give anymore. But as far as the fights when she was a teenager, yes, we went through a few bad years. But there was also good... I don't know... we try our best, no one knows what struggles we go through in our lives but us... I had a lot on my plate and life was very overwhelming. I was not a bad mother. I tried my best. I miss her and it is very painful. She refuses to talk to me. She won't go to therapy with me. I even thought of trying to write (oh I can't believe I would even think of this when I never even watch this stuff on TV) to one of those talk shows where they bring the family or whomever on to try to resolve the issues. I've always wondered: "where on earth do they find these people and what kind of people would go on national TV and air out their problems" but if that would help my daughter and myself, then I would do it. I would do anything to work things out with her. She is a very angry person inside. She is non-forgiving and that is not good. I am and have always been a very forgiving person. She can not only not forgive, but she cannot forget nor can she say she is sorry. I can say I am sorry and I AM sorry for some of the things that happened... and want to move on and work on our issues so that we could be a family again. My other children miss her but only miss the 'good' side of their sister. They know the 'ugly' side and they do not miss that nor do I want to subject them to that. They don't deserve that.

Right now, we are at a Mexican stand off. I just don't know what to do... do I try to connect with her again (probably only to be rejected which I feel makes her happy) or do I just continue to live in pain but not contact her.

Or is my thought of contacting Dr. Phil or one of those programs something I should try to pursue. I am sure they get hundreds of these type of emails a week so the chances of something happening with that probably isn't too great anyway.

She sounds like a very superficial, materialistic person. Could all of this be because of the money? Maybe she is pushing you to the limit until you find a way to give her what she wants. A tactic?

Have you considered counselling just for you. This really isn't any different than any serious relationship problem between two adults. When one party has clearly marked their territory and continues with abusive, disrespectful behaviour toward the other, maybe it is time to learn ways of not only coping with this, but setting boundaries for her.

I have learned with my own daughter (who turned out to have Borderline Personality Disorder with anti-social traits, to a criminal degree). There was no 'cause' that we provided for her to become the way she has. Through my own research over the past 7 years, I have learned that I have not been a rotten mother to such a degree as to have been the cause in other words. Picking the brains of psychiatrists, lawyers, and other professionals with experience along the way, It became very clear that I was not the problem that caused her to behave this way.

I am not at all suggesting that your daughter has BPD, I am suggesting that whoever she has become, is not because of you, or how you raised her. It wasn't a lack of love, or forgiveness, or subjecting her to any sort of abuse. Your daughter is an adult now, and she has to be treated as such.

I say counselling for you because I think that guilt is driving you to being blind to who is accountable for what, and to whom. Boundaries have to be established with her, and you need to lighten the emotional load on yourself in order to put them in place. To keep trying as hard as you are, is, in my opinion, playing into exactly what she wants you to do.

Whatever is motivating her to treat you this way, she is feeding the guilt that is consuming you, and you need to find a way to stop her from doing that.

If you can see a counsellor, go. No harm can come of a little professional insight. If that isn't possible, there are a few things in the meantime you can try.

One is to stop forcing the issue, and stop contacting her. Stop talking about her, and stop listening to all the gossip.

Try to reconcile yourself with the fact that you are no longer dealing with a child, but an adult. You have given her everything she needed to be a responsible, respectful person, and you can give her no more. She makes her own calls, despite what you have taught her.

Keep a diary of some sort. Write your thoughts out during a quiet time at the end of the day, and look as objectively as you can at how your life is affected by her actions. Recognize that she has had far too much control of your emotions for too long. Write out how you feel, and that tomorrow you will be stronger.

Don't keep setting yourself up for disappointments. Flying across the country to see her only to have her ignore you shows the degree she will go to to keep feeding that fire. If she contacts you, which she will, be prepared to tell her that you do not wish to discuss anything with her until she has shown some insight and understanding into her own behaviour. Stick to it. Let her think and stew, and wonder why the tables have turned.

Take charge of your life, and keep her in a different place emotionally, even if its in your own writings. What you can't say out loud to anybody, you can certainly write out- you'll feel better. I've done this myself, and it is a good thing to get it out.

When she does come around, expect that she will not be necessarily concilliatory at first. She may wish to just try harder to make your life miserable, who knows. Get comfortable and confident in your own skin to take back your life, and not have her dictate and control how you will feel from day to day.

As to the talk show thing, that's up to you, but forcing the issue in an interventive type way, will not get honest answers, or insight in my opinion. She will come around when she's ready to come around. And how you manage yourself when she does, will be the key for her to realize there are boundaries, and she is no longer welcome to cross them.

I am not just blowing smoke here. What I'm suggesting for you to consider, I have done myself.

Please let me know how you are doing.

... do I try to connect with her again (probably only to be rejected which I feel makes her happy) or do I just continue to live in pain but not contact her...

Jake is right. If you invest any more time and money, put it into yourself. Go see a therapist and take care of your emotional well being. Your daughter is working an angle, playing out a story in her mind that seems to have less a basis in reality than being a selfish, manipulative technique to what end we don't know. Your best bet is to give her room to process it until it comes to a natural end.

The questions I asked you earlier have possible usefulness (How does she perceive and treat her father? Was there physical violence in her childhood? In your marriage?) and delving into history can reveal an origin for her position or reveal the fact that her insult is self-generated. She is getting something from behaving this way, and it could be just the feeling of power she gets by rejecting you. It could also be making you suffer, which is working rather well.

If you can't find an original cause for her being like this, maybe there is no justification, just manipulation. If that is the case, your well being demands that you stop playing your part as the manipulatee. That means finding equanimity in yourself no matter what she does.

At the same time in which you are figuring that out, you can set boundaries, and must set boundaries around yourself that she can't breach. If her campaign against you continues, you would be in your rights to tell her to stop. You have no consequences that you can impose on her if she doesn't stop, but telling her (1) might be enough to get her to refrain from bad-mouthing you to the rest of the family, and (2) if you tell her to stop and go no further (no overtures for reconciling, no trying to correct the record, no attempt to engage in a larger conversation) this might gain you some respect from her. Although it's indirect, she's being a bit of a bully, and bullies don't respect other people's boundaries until they are told where the line is in terms that they can't ignore.

Forget the Dr. Phil idea. Time is a better ally. Get clear on any possibility that you have missed something. If nothing surfaces, give yourself a break. Take care of yourself and let the natural process of life work in her. If there is no insult that you haven't told us about, just the normal struggles that families go through, she will soften in time.

Yes, I agree with you both and thank you both for hearing me. My daughter is from a previous marriage. The man was both physically & more importantly, emotionally abusive to both myself and her. We were in court for many years. It was at her request all those years to not see him. We did psychological forensics & the court ended up awarding custody to me. I have always let my daughter (and used to encourage it) to see her father & his side of the family. It was an ugly 8 year court battle. He was extremely abusive to myself & her... so isn't it funny... that she is now living with him (and his 3rd wife... who ironically, neither his 2nd nor 3rd wife's children speak to THEIR mothers). In my eyes, my daughter has either been brain washed or has taken on some of her father's traits. Her father & myself are college educated though he went on and had gotten his doctorate. He teaches in a college & is offered a lot of perks... my daughter benefits from some of these perks. He (finally after all these years where I suffered and paid for everything) is financially helping her (or buying her).

I have to move on with my life. I cannot set boundaries with her as we do not speak. I had shared the worst things that had happened during her teenage years. Besides these things, all of our years were wonderful... I gave so much to my daughter (well, not according to her) and we were so close. Even after she moved back east, she would call me almost every day.. wanting to talk about little things... who wore what dress, who said what, who she met, things that were just about her day.. and we went from THAT to THIS. Many times I could not spend the half hour or hour listening to 'who said what'. It was a continuation of H.S. But I would try.

My 2nd husband and I have been separated for a while now. We are very good friends & he sees his children whenever he wants. He comes over almost every night for dinner. We are good friends. We just cannot live together. He is a good person... very opposite the first one I was married to. The first one was good (and still is) at making money. My 2nd one is a very poor provider... but other than that, a wonderful man. He is totally opposite the first. He never legally adopted my daughter but considered her his daughter. She has even taken his last name. I had even taken her to therapy for a long time because I didn't condone this but this was what she wanted. She still uses his last name though she does not speak with him either. Both he and I do not know if he should continue contact with her or not. What are your thoughts? Also, I will have the $1,000.00 that I had put away for her coming due soon. I was planning on sending her the check... Your thoughts?

Meanwhile, I will try to let more time go by... it is so difficult. I always thought my daughter & I would be the best of friends when she grew up. It is so difficult.

Teddy, Just a couple more questions, please.


The man was both physically & more importantly, emotionally abusive to both myself and her. We were in court for many years. It was at her request all those years to not see him. We did psychological forensics & the court ended up awarding custody to me.


Please forgive me for asking, but it's important: Was he sexually abusive? Is it possible that he manipulated her into rejecting you, as he could also have done with his other two daughters and their mothers, after having relations them? It strikes me as odd that three girls all behave the same. The scenario I just asked about would possibly explain that.

It would also explain other things, but let's not rush to that until we address the two questions above.


... she is now living with him (and his 3rd wife... who ironically, neither his 2nd nor 3rd wife's children speak to THEIR mothers). In my eyes, my daughter has either been brain washed or has taken on some of her father's traits.

Or both.

It is just conjecture on my part, but, on your and your daughter's behalf, it is worth asking.

Hi,

Relationships can be complicated. It sounds like you spoiled her, ballet etc. I believe children should do some kind of work at a young age, to understand the value of money and this can solve a lot of problems. She thinks this money is hers although it was gifts, my parents paid for my college, but did not have an account I had access too. I did not know they would pay either, let children understand life is not free. This private school she demanded to go, I would have told her she had to work all through high school or no private school and still used her money. She wanted it let her pay for it. My parents were rich, but they let me babysit at the age of 12, I babysat all summer. I watched little kids and I learned responsibility. I remember saving up at 12 by raking leaves to buy a hamster cage. It took me three weeks to save enough working part time, did I appreciate that pet. I have a friend now with a teenager who will never babysit, her 2 and 1 year old siblings. Yet she wants to go to cheerleading camp that costs mom 400.00, uh you work babysitting or you don't go. People today spoil their kids. I am married to an Egyptian when his mother visits he kisses her hand. This is a custom, they show much respect to parents. From day one over their in mosques the concept of respect especially for mom is drilled into their heads. There is a verse in the quoran mother three times then father, basically your mother comes before all. I have a palestinian friend her mom was dying she had 8 siblings living in lexington , KY, for 7 years they did shifts for the mom, bathing her, feeding her talking to her and almost every night they would gather at one brother's house he was the primary caregiver to see mom. She was loved, caressed, cared for. She did her job raising them, they all had chores in palestine, one did laundry, one cooked etc. The oldest son came to america and they are all affluent and hard working, and all their children are doctors and lawyers. People would be so surprised at how the majority of muslims are, strong pillars of society with strong family ethics. When they come to america they learn you can send your parents to jail if they spank you, they can disrespect you, and treat mom and dad like crap. In my opinion corporal punishment being thrown out of schools is the major reason for this. My father went to catholic school and one nun taught 50 kids but she had a ruler to hit your knuckles with, kids learned and listened. This society is so stupid, we get what we deserve, watch arab or even indian families on YouTube. You don't need to understand another language. Email me [email protected]

It's been over 2 weeks since our last post. I had to call my daughter because I had my palm phone stolen with all my information in it including her social. We are speaking... strained... but communicating. It is superficial but something is better than nothing. I agree, my daughter is getting a rise out of bullying... it is controlling and abusive. I have to get communication started in order to get her the help that she (we) need. This will take some time... right now, I am just glad that we have some communication going. I just wanted to let you know.

That's good to hear.

It would be nice if more communication comes your way, and she may just start turning around.