Hello all,

Firstly I would like to say that I am very thankful for this site.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 weeks now. The first 4 weeks were absolute bliss, we connected on all levels and share the same goals as each other (im 30 she is 26)

We see each other nearly every day of the week although we live about an hour away drive from each other. We talk on the phone a couple of times a day and when we can't see each other that night we are usually on the phone for about 3+ hours.

At the start of our relationship we discussed our feelings for each other and I felt like we fully understood each other on a deep level which we both agreed have never done that in past relationships before. We even discussed past relationships to which we pretty understood that we both have moved on from.

After about 3 - 4 weeks of going out with each other we started having minor disagreements, about such petty and stupid things. The next day she would get up in the morning and appologise for being so grumpy in the morning and would act as if it was nothing. I would also appologise but wanted to talk about it briefly to set things straight.

Last weekend we went to one of her friends weddings and she organised for us to stay in a Bed and Breakfast on the Saturday night. She came over on the Friday night and we had a great night until later that night after a few drinks and whilst she was half asleep she called me her ex boyfriends name. I tried not to make a big deal out of it and said I wanted to talk to her about it. We discussed the fact that she is over him however it felt like she turned the conversation back to me as if it was my fault for making a big deal out of it...

On the Saturday night we had a great time at the wedding and then stayed in the room. Once again after being a bit drunk she did it again! Then she sincerely appologised. I then brushed it off and then she started asking me why I'm acting weird. I told her I'm fine but I'm a little hurt ill get over it. That's when we argued again ruining the whole day.

The next morning we got up and were a bit stand offish with each other, afternoon came and she started acting as if nothing had happened. She asked me what the matter was I told her that I really need to discuss the issue of last night before we move forward. She rolled her eyes as to say oh well here we go again.

After reading the posts here it sounds like I am pushing her too much to discuss this issue that is really causing me grief.

I know this is the woman I want to marry and have a family with she has also said the same to me however I don't know if I can handle these type of situations much more.

Am I being too serious? Am I being the female in my relationship? Don't I have a right to discuss what's on my mind and bothering me?

I wouuld really love to hear your feedback and thank you in advance, this situation has been making me physically ill because I love her so much and I know she does me however I kind of get the gut feeling that she may still have issues from the past relationship.

Firstly Welcome to AMHD :)

Secondly I know for a fact it would have bothered me too.
Once maybe OK, but 2 times... no no!

I would make sure you sit her down and talk about this issue.
If to her its NO big deal she should understand that to you it is. Im sure she wouldn't like to be called by your ex girl friends name.
Try not to make a HUGE deal out of it but I think you should talk it through and ask why she said it... twice.

Sometimes in a relationship, COMMUNICATION is difficult because one person has something they want to discuss and the other doesn't want to hear it. The key is knowing how to bring up a subject and when to back off. After 5 weeks you two may be really in love, but you both have a lot to learn about talking to each other. I would back off because you've already made your feelings known so what's the point in pushing a discussion she obviously isn't ready for down her throat? Ease up a little and see if she is is more forthcoming later and don't let little things become mountains between you. PATIENTS will payoff in the long run as she gets more comfortable with you and finds that you can listen as well as discuss. After 5 weeks your just starting and maybe slowing down and paying attention to her is what will bring you closer. Not just being there all the time ,but listening and learning her non-verbal expressions, that take time get to know. Be more patient and less pushy. You may be moving to fast here. Marriage after 5 weeks? Try a year at least, you'll know a lot more by then.

Dude 5 weeks?? Seeing her everyday?? Talking o nthe phone 3 hours a day?? YUCK!!

You're going gto crash and burn in this one - no question.

Too much - too soon. Too fast - too furious.

What happened to taking it SLOW??

I always say less is MORE!! Give less of yourself - she'll like you more!!

Early on you need to take it slow - not call every day

She's sick of you - time to pull back.

You are seeing gand talking gwith this gal way too much for 5 weeks. Hell - it's too much for 1 year.

No wonder she's crabby.

BTW - after 5 weeks - you don't eve nknow this women - she doesn't know you - hence the wrong name calling. You guys aren't even comfortable wit heach other.

....I have been going out with my girlfriend for 5 weeks now... We see each other nearly every day of the week although we live about an hour away drive from each other. We talk on the phone a couple of times a day and when we can't see each other that night we are usually on the phone for about 3+ hours.

I know this is the woman I want to marry and have a family with she has also said the same to me however I don't know if I can handle these type of situations much more.

Am I being too serious? Am I being the female in my relationship? Don't I have a right to discuss whats on my mind and bothering me?

...this situation has been making me physically ill because I love her so much and I know she does me however I kind of get the gut feeling that she may still have issues from the past relationship.


Wow.

OK. My wife said she knew almost right away she could marry me, so I can't knock some of what you said too much. But you are spending all of your time on this girl. Oversaturation, in my opinion. Great you have a lot of fun together, and great you both really connect... I just hate the "shes the one to have my kids" so soon. 5 weeks is a pretty short time to say you KNOW she's the one. If you know it, you wouldn't be posting here most likely.

So, one, I think you are way too into overanalyzing this and you are making your entire life about this girl. Stop it.

Second, about the boyfriend name. Yes, that would tick me off too. The only thing I can relate about is that I have a friend who was married and then divorced and remarried. On several occasions when I've talked to my wife about her I still say her first husbands name. Its like a reflex. I just can't seem to erase the guys name from my head.

So its possible the relationship was long enough or recent enough that his name is bouncing around in her head. I damn near called my wife my ex gf's name once while we were dating. It was soon after the breakup. I just still had that name kicking around my mind. I actually said the wrong name, but she was in another room and didn't hear me call it out or didn't acknowledge the mistake. Oops.

I haven't read the other posts yet so ill do that next. Just my initial 2 cents worth.

You are spending a ton of time with this person. You have declared her to be The One for you. You are getting ill from worrying. Seems all a little mixed up. Take some time for yourself, by yourself. You don't need to be next to her every waking minute or on the phone for hours on end. This isn't a race.

BTW - after 5 weeks - you don't eve nknow this women - she doesn't know you - hence the wrong name calling. You gusy aren't even comfortable wit heach other.

Yeah. I didn't read your response before I wrote mine, but obviously I agree.

Fine to think she might be a great match, but he's in way, way too deep and making this girl the center of the universe. Bad idea.

Yes - kp is right - she is only a small part of your life - NOT YOUR LIFE - ever.

Huge red flags that you have to spend all this time with her. This isn't real health - the fact that you are here shows this.

Women need mystery, they need a challenge - especially early on. They need their own time. You provide none of this.

1st of all... too much time too soon, like the other said. And the point on dating is that you are getting to know someone... and what you are finding out is how she deals with something that she is at fault with and how she takes responsibility... you have the right to feel however you feel about being called the exs name. It doesn't sound like you jumped all over her, and she can't take it back... so there is no problem solving here... you will just have to get ovver it, just like you said. But her reaction is key here! She doesn't like to take the responsibility for hurting you. Not a good sign. Get to know how she deals with life before making future plans! :)

Now - if she's still saying his name in 8 months - you have a problem - right now you don't even know her - and now you are elearning things you don't like.

SLOW DOWN :eek: Five weeks is still soon for wanting eterninty with someone. I think you are in the infatuation stage still. When you first meet someone you think they are the "one" and then time goes on and they're not. There is nothing wrong with feeling totally "in love" it is fun and exciting, just remember to give it some time before you make any sudden moves.

As far as the name calling, let it be. Maybe she was in a long relationship with someone prior to you and you are her first since then... it can be an honest mistake. She apologized, I think you need to let it go. Ya, tell her it bothers you and hopefully she'll work on it in the future, but don't get so uptight about it. I was married 9 years ago and am in my 2nd marriage for 3 years now, and every now and again my ex's name falls out. I am fortunate my husband laughs it off and says "oh honey..I'm the other husband." That approach comes across more effective than being mad at me. I feel more embarrassed with that approach than if he were to get mad and make me defensive.

Just a thought.

Good luck.

Great way to handle that!! Perfect.

And - yes, slow down. Be busy doing other stuff.

Well obviousy after 5 weeks you are not ready for marriage. I don't think you love her but you are in love with the idea of being in love. If it's been awhile since you've been in a relationship you those feelings can pop up and you start thinking long term before it's time. Secondly as I read your original post you turn me off when you keep saying, "I really need to discuss this issue." I mean if you turn me off I can only imagine what she must be thinking. If you get this upset and feel the need to discuss it or argue over it then what will happen when a real issue comes up? Your taking this way too series. While relationships take work they are supposed to be fun and you do not sound like fun when you start pouting over such a small thing.

Hi All,

I woke up this morning feeling really bad about the situation then read all your posts. Thank you. I now know what I am doing wrong. Im going to back off and get back to just having fun with her. Thank you for all your comments they have really helped me.

Ill let you know how it goes :)

Yes - back off - make her come to you - the next couple weeks let her contact you - if she doesn't, so what - make other plans. Seriously.

Just in case it hasn't sunk in by now... SLOW DOWN.

Whoa man, You have seriously given a lot of yourself to a girl you don't even know yet. And trust me, you Don't KNOW her.
I'm not syaing you won't fall in love (I don't think right now you are in love - Lust maybe, but love... )

And again, that's not saying you can't love her. But you need tog et to know her a lot more before you can honestly and truly say you love her.

BUt the challenge for you nopw is to slow this down a bit before you do crash and burn.

That is diffucult considering how fast things have gone early on here. You see there is no doubt you have to pull back and slow down. No doubt. But you have created a rod for your back due to the fact that you have been so full on to this point that completely pulling back may seem like you have finished with her.

But you have to do this. Trust everyone here. Do other things in your life. Surely you have other friends or hobbies you can turn to instead of spending every living moment thinking about her.

And if she can't accept that you have other things in your life besides her than she doesn't love you. She is selfish and smothering and clingy and not the type of person you want.

So pull back, spend a little less time with her. But when you do make it quality time. Prepare some nice and exciting dates. Be fun, have fun and laugh. It should be all about fun early on.

The next 6 months or so is when you will treuly find out if you love her.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi All,

I woke up this morning feeling really bad about the situation then read all your posts. Thankyou. I now know what I am doing wrong. Im going to back off and get back to just having fun with her. thankyou for all your comments they have really helped me.

Ill let you know how it goes :)

Yes, have fun. Also please follow through with your promise and let us know what happens. I can't speak for everybody else but I really like reading how things worked themselves out because I think we all can learn from it.

First of all, you're way too available to her. Seeing each other every night and talking on the phone a couple of times a day is way too much, especially for only being 5 weeks in. She no doubt feels that you are overly clingy and needy, whether she comes right out and says so or not. Maybe you aren't but I bet that's the impression you're giving her. She is no doubt becoming resentful of your overwhelming presence. And yes, I feel that you're being way too serious. It's not even time for serious talk yet, being only 5 weeks along. Right now things should be strictly light-hearted and fun, nothing heavy duty. Don't spend too much time together but have a great time when you do. That's the ticket. Right now you're only pushing her away and her reluctance to talk with you and calling you by her ex's name are subtile hints that you need to back off some. Do some other things for a while, with other friends as well as yourself. Reassure yourself and all others that you can enjoy life just as much without her as with her. You certainly shouldn't be making statements like "I know this is the woman I want to marry and have a family with" after only 5 weeks, whether she's said the same to you or not. Be a little mysterious and aloof. That'll make her want to chase and catch you. Once that happens you'll have a relationship that means something. But, if you continue down your current path I believe you will only chase her away.

Well said C. I said the same thing.

Too fast - too furious.

All we do here is preach SLOW!! Go slow!! LESS IS MORE!!

Make them MISS YOU!!

Too much, too soon spoils the pot. I know it doesn't make sense - people get screwed up in the head by their emotions.

Once again thanks for all your feedback.

I have been minimising contact with her, chilling out and keeping busy with work and other stuff. It seems that the tone has changed somewhat and if she calls me or in emails it seems as we have lost our connection.

I have been in love before, actually I have been married for 10 years before however my wife passed away 3 years ago. I have had a couple of relationships in between her passing and now and this is the first time that I feel alive again and in love again and I know its love and not lust.

I know I over analyse everything that's what I do however I think that its my curse in life :( however ill keep to the advice everyone has been giving me and if things don't change for the better in a couple of weeks maybe I need to go my own way again...

Ill let you know what happens.

And thanks again everyone for offering an ear (or is it eyes) :)

I have been in love before, actually I have been married for 10 years before however my wife passed away 3 years ago. I have had a couple of relationships in between her passing and now and this is the first time that I feel alive again and in love again and I know its love and not lust.

(or is it eyes) :)

Maybe your in love with the idea of being in love again, but not actually in love with the woman. Maybe the relationships in between you wife's passing were too soon and you didn't really feel comfortable but now enough time has passed and the idea of love doesn't feel so awkward anymore. It just might be this woman came along at the time in your life that you wanted to be in a relationship but she may not actually be the right woman. It just seems hard to tell after only 5 weeks.

Party for a year and have nothing but fun then you can start to see things and will know her a lot better. Let your hair down and enjoy this period in your life.

If you're losing your connection - END all communication - quit responding - disappear. Make her come to you. Don't contact her - don't call!!

See - she had you - no fun - game over - no chase - mystery. Women early on need a chase. Whe nyou completely surrender earely on -they leave!

The conclusion as promised.

Thursday she called me and we organised a date after not seeing each other for a week. That week I prepared myself to break up with her. That night we had a great time, and the morning the next day was even better. Its as if we didn't have a problem in the world. Friday night we both went to a friends place for dinner, everything went OK and when we went to get in the car she held the drivers door shut from the passengers side. (she had been drinking quite a bit I couldn't drink as I was the driver) I then jokingly pulled the door half open and then she slammed it and 2 of my fingers got jammed. Naturally I yelled ouch my fingers got jammed she then said well now I've seen your dark side. I dropped her off at home and we didn't talk the whole way.

When we got to her place she got out of the car and said thanks for the lift and went to open her front door. I wound down my window and called her name a few times to which she didn't respond then said goodbye and then drove off.

She called me later that night and said that she was dissapointed.

So that's me done for some time now.

Thanks again for everyone's feedback it was truly appreciated and very true.

What was she disappointed about? Did she elaborate? She sounds weird to me. Sorry I cannot think of anything better to say.

Sorry for you, but you are definitely better off.

That whole way you describe it is weird. Totally weird. I don't get it. The whole car door thing? I don't follow your story at all - and it sounds like nothing went OK.

Oh - and why do you keep hanign with her? You didn't follow our advice at all and now you are done. If that night went so bad - why on earth did you answer the phone?

Of course you're done - too available. She's bored.

You should have ended the contact and make her miss you - you wit hher a lot recently - not good.

Sorry Wildcat. I forgot to hit the AGREE button :eek: I am totally WITH you on that one.

I have butterfingers today!!

That's OK.

This guy didn't follow our advice and of course he's done. He was with her way too much recently.

LESS IS MORE!!

Thanks for the update. Yeah I agree that you were to available, but that whole car door thing almost makes it seems like she was testing you or trying to make you mad at her. Perhaps she was trying to make you mad so you'd dump her and then she wouldn't have to be the "bad guy" in this situation.

I am extremely grumpy, and it has caused problems with my relationship with my boyfriend. He doesn't like it. It may be the fact that he's on a ton of xanax, though. Ok, back to your problem. Let's see, I'd like to know how long her and the X dated. Because if it were for years, I could understand how she could call you his name. I have made that mistake, only using my ex-husbands name, especially when I get upset. That's beside the point. Now, another thing I would like to know is how long they were broken up before you and she got together? Are you the re-bound man? Are you the knight in shining armour coming to her rescue? Or was she single for quite a while before your relationship?? Things to think about.

Well I'm back to give everyone an update just in case you were curious.

After that weekend that we "broke up" we got back together and things have been better than ever, its as if we have changed and are two different people.

However

My insecurities are now causing issues :( At times I can be quite a jealous guy, I really hate it and I don't know how to fix myself in that way. There was an incident last Thursday where one of her male best friends (gay) was at her house and they had a little too much to drink. He stayed over at her house and they slept in the same bed as each other. I fully trust her and know nothing happened, I have met this guy and there is no doubt in my mind he is gay. Apparently they snuggled up together and went to sleep.

Now correct me if I am wrong but is this strange? I believe that is a form of intimacy that is innapropriate for an attached female to do?

Call me old fashioned, but I don't feel comfortable one bit that it happened, I even raised it with her and she was offended that I thought it may be something other than what she saw it as. Furthermore she said that she is affectionate with all her friends and that's just who she is. I kind of feel like my feelings were kicked to the curb and she won't compromise.

Can anyone give any good advice on how to overcome that type of jealousy? I know it's a problem for me and I want to really get rid of it however I don't know how...

Thanks again in advance for all your help.

Can u refresh my memory this girl who slept in the same bed as her gay best friend, what's her connection with you?

She's my girlfriend...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-earth-going-relationship-35043.html

Why are you so jealous?
What do u fear the most?

By d way has she called again by her ex's name?

And do u know her gay best friend?

Why am I so jealous?
That's a really good question, I don't know its just a feeling that overcomes me anytime I'm in that situation...

I fear the most betrayal, both on a physical and emotional level. There is no reason for me to feel that she hasn't done anything to lead me to think that would happen, once again I really don't know why that's my main fear.

No she hasn't called me her ex's name since it all happened...

Ive met her gay friend a few times and he's a cool guy we hit it off really well so I know he's genuine in his friendship to her.

I used to be very insecure when I first met my man. I used to be insecure about many things, I used to also fear betrayal, just like you. But I overcame them... completely

Right, re: gay best friend, give him the benefit of the doubt, I wouldn't worry about that, you said yourself he seems genuine, just remember he is attrached to men, not women, so don't worry about him.

Have you been hurt in the past?

Jealousy and insecurity, things to overcome, they are also a big turn off so address the problems.

My insecurities are now causing issues :( At times I can be quite a jealous guy, I really hate it and I don't know how to fix myself in that way.
Ah but I think you do know how to fix yourself. You use the same skills that you have on other things. You search in the world for solutions, read books, ask other people questions, pursuing it wherever it takes you. You have overcome other things to be who you are now, you really have. What I hear is someone who doesn't WANT to fix it. Your choice and a regrettable since its really going to limit what kind of relationships you have--- likely to ones that are difficult or not very enduring.


There was an incident last thursday where one of her male best friends (gay) was at her house and they had a little too much to drink. He stayed over at her house and they slept in the same bed as each other. I fully trust her and know nothing happened.
I treated my gay friends like girlfriends growing up, since essentially they were that to me. Sounds like she feels safe with them. If you know nothing happened, then why not respond like it? I think its wise she kicked to the curb some of your feelings since jealousy and insecurity are not things anyone wants to encourage in a relationship. Somewhere "back there", long before this incident and probably before you met this girl, you decided to be prone to jealous and insecure feelings-- you decided to respond to some one or thing that way, and you've kept responding that way without recognizing that you are perfectly capable of undeciding it too.

If you were a personal friend of mine, the first thing I would say to you about it is, hey dude-- quit making it so legit in your mind! Quit rationalizing that its okay and making any excuses to yourself. For pete's sake, betrayal (while not fun)... IS A SURVIVABLE EVENT! You are not a victim of this girl or her actions-- you are a "victim" (if you can call it that) of your own thinking. Turn in your victim membership card, please!! LOL Its almost like you think its cool and don't see how very immature it makes you or that you think it's a good attribute that will lure in some girl who will cater to your every whim, which is amazingly unrealistic. What did you do -- break up to teach this girl a lesson and now she should be more willing to cater? Not good. If you use those feelings to gauge how willing she is, when you find someone who finally understands and caters, you'll have the neediest, most insecure and immature girl on your hands! OMG the trouble that will cause will be beyond your wildest dreams or capabilities. LOL Be careful what you ask for...

The lesson here is that if our partners gave us every single thing we wanted, it would be disastrous! We sometimes make mistakes, ask for too much, and ask for wrong things. Mature healthy people realise that and learn the art of compromise. As a result, my partner has helped me better myself and I him - a very rewarding part of all kinds of relationship.

Don't worry about - the Dude is GAY!

My first gal I dated who had a serious gay friend - I was jealous - they spent a lot of time together - dinners on Sunday - until I met 'his men' and saw HOW HE REACTED AROUND THEM!! Light bulb came on. He was a hound dog around these guys.

He's gay - he has no attreaction towards her.