I'm a stay home mom whit four children , and my husband is an active duty /military/ guy. He loves his job , and gone all the time . I understand he have to travel a lot , because of his job , but I do not understand why he makes more trip and gone more than he truly have to . He never want to go with me any where , and it is hurting me , because I feel I don't have a life. Before I married him I'm was a fun person , and I had a lots of friends. Now I don't have any , and all I'm doing stay home whit the kids . I'm very sad , I asked my husband this year please surprise me on are anniversary (I don't want gift , or expensive stuff) he didn't .
He told me he loves me and , he don't want to go any where , he want I go in the kitchen and cook .
When I asked him why we are not celebrating , he told me it is my fault because I don't like any thing from him . What can I do , I tried please him to do things what he want , and listening him .
The problem is I feel it is all about him , and I'm not sure I can live like that . I tried to tell him how I feel , but things just got worse after that . Thank you for any help.

My husband dos a lots of wrong things to me : Not coming to my birthday party , he rented a porno movie and had his private fun . He also told me he went to a stripper bar .
I can not tell how many time he turned me down... I'm not ugly , I can have a lots of man if I want to . I want my husband , but I don't think he wants me .

Hello,
My hubby and I got married in Europe ,long time ago (10-years) ! I left my home and family , friends for him .
I brought in this marriage two children, and we have two little one('s) together. He likes to buying me things , cars, nice house , he works hard, and gone a lot . I stay home whit the little one's and truly respect the hard work my husband done (gave) for he's family. I'm not a material person , I don't care about stuff...
Many people things European woman are not emancipated . I think my husband one of them .
We have (had) stopped having contact , whit other couples because of the wife's are criticizing my husband.
I have (had) stud up for my husband many time, and gave the perfect picture...

The truth is , we are fight(ing) all the time , and we stayed together for the kids.
My husband broke all the rules , from the very first time we got here in America. I had (have) a feeling I'm was tricked , and no way out . He was yelling at me , blackmail me , and disrespect me .
People who know what going on in are life couldn't understand why I'm not living him .
I did try , he asked me to stay and swear he will change for me... ( I don't want he change for me , I want he change because he be live this is the right thinks to do ) .
He made me to move many times , and I never had a chance to make friends , I live a lonely life .
I don't want to be wailing (crying) of my life , I just want to be happy . I'm the only one who can help for myself . I'm asking you Ladies and Gentleman if you are in my shoes , what you do as an American , I know it is silly but I have know idea how other people live they life,. what am' I doing wrong ?
Am' I right it is not normal we have no friends! As a couple we do things whit other people as well , not only with the people who work with my husband . I'm afraid to talk about this thinks , I'm acting like life is normal that way , my husband said it is normal and I don't know but I think he lying to me so I don't ask for different . I tried marriage counseling, and other things...
Thank you with all my regard .

Have you tried to find another interest besides your kids and husband? In the past I had felt like I lost my own identity and turned to other interests e.g. studying something new, to find another focus in my life besides my man and children. Sorry I can't help more, maybe this will help you a little. Good luck with your life everyone deserves to be happy.

It is hard to be rejected, and I don't doubt that he shows such disrespect for you, not even attending your birthday.

Your question was 'My husband sad, he dos nothing wrong!', which I take to mean that you have talked to him, and he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour toward you.

If he sees no reason to change, then what do you think you need to do.

Have you considered counselling, either for both of you, or for yourself?

What a difficult situation! You say that you tried marriage counseling. Did your husband accompany you? If not, he needs to! If he refuses to work on this with you, through a counselor, he is sending you a clear message. The message is that he does not care enough about your feelings or happiness to try to change his behavior.

Do you still have friends and family in Europe? You need to lean on them now. Tell them the truth about what has really been going on in your marriage (if you have not already told them). If your husband refuses to see a counselor or try to change, it would be best for you to be free of this marriage. Of course, you will have to work out issues like custody, visitation, etc. But it's not worth it to stay in such an awful situation.

This is my opinion.

I wish you the best...

For whatif77
Thank you .:)

Thank you Jake2008. :)

Have your husband always been this way?

If your only staying together for the kids and not for love the marriage would never work. Your husband have some ugly ways and I am sure it out weights the good. His ways aren't good for you and your kids and it might be best if you face the facts about your marriage and get counseling for yourself.

Ren6 thank you :). I never told my family or my friend's back in Europe . It is my secret , and this web side the first place I tell some one . I do not want to make my mom feel sad about my life , and I'm sure I have to make some changes as well , to fix it .
Thank you again :)

Liz28 thank you:). I know you are right .Thank you again.

Liz28 I have started writing here in little pieces of my life . I know him for a year before we got married , but I never been in America before . He worked in Europe , and he was very different back there . This is why I'm was saying he tricked me . After we got married and we still lived in Europe he yield at me the first time . After we got here (in America) he changed a 180 .degree. I thought I'm going crazy , and I'm not sure I'm was "ok, I'm was sick a lot and most of the time I'm was in bed . It took me for a long time to get on my feet , and take the charge of my life . Yes he is always been this way after we got here , I know I'm stupid...
Now when I have the power to protect myself , he don't want to be around me any more . He said because I'm too strong and bossy . I don't think so... I'm just not afraid to tell him what I think any more .
Thank you for listening and please don't hesitated to tell me what do you thing .
Regard

Krisztina,

It is common for American men to marry women from other cultures, bring them here, and expect them to keep the virtues (values, customs, behavior, especially subservience to men) of their home countries. They hope to have the best of both worlds, so that the American sense of individual freedom mixes with those virtues to make a "perfect wife."

But the perfect wife can't be stopped from learning from this culture. She sees equality, independence, respect, collaborative decision making, sharing of power, and other non-traditional (not old world) ways of behaving in her neighbors and on TV. She begins to wonder, "Why not me? Why can't I be that way with my husband?" So, she tries to become like her peers.

Some men recognize this as a normal learning process, and as their wives become "Americanized" they accept it, adapt to it, and get comfortable with it. In time, they find themselves living with a completely new person who came to be because she has taken good things from these cultures and used them to develop herself. If one is lucky enough to be in such a relationship, both husband and wife are transformed.

Other husbands don't want to adapt to their wives' changes, but instead to keep their wives the same. They try to limit the exposure their wives get to the culture; they try to control them. They are afraid that if they lose this control they will also lose the qualities they value in their wives. This is sure to fail. It seems that your husband fits this category.

You say that your husband works hard, likes buying you good things, is gone a lot, and moves the family a lot. He doesn't want to lose you, and has sworn that he will change for you (which you don't want; you want him to change because he recognizes it as good.) You have to defend him from American wives because they attack him for, I presume, the way he treats you. Abusive, demeaning, controlling, ridiculing, and generally mean spirited behavior is common in this situation. That can end.

You fight and are staying together for the kids. Despite the fighting, there is reason to believe that he loves you. He's clinging to the past, though, and has stopped his own development by treating you like you were still in your home country. He fears losing you, but hasn't adapted to the reality of today.

Advice:
Continue family therapy so you can keep communication flowing and to solve the problems that all families have. As Liz advised, if he won't go to therapy, go by yourself. But do your best to make him go and to engage in the work. Immerse yourself in the therapy with courage and honesty. You can grow through this situation.

Your husband has to learn to let you change, and to support your development as a person. You have to educate yourself in several ways (Improve your English so you can communicate better; learn how things work in successful American families; find people who can serve as models for your development; improve your interpersonal skills, and so on). If you take community college courses in English as a Second Language, interpersonal communication, creative writing, woman's studies, or anything else that interests you, you will grow intellectually and skill-wise. You will also meet people who can be friends outside of your husband's business contacts.

This will threaten him, but you can deal with that by being loving, by understanding him, by maintaining your own well-being when he gets angry. Emancipate yourself and refuse to fight over your emancipation; it is here.

You can't get the freedom or respect or mutual growth you want by fighting for it. The path to solving your problem is a gentle, tender negotiation that unties the emotional knots in both of you, so he doesn't remain afraid and you don't remain constrained. You are negotiating for new terms of the relationship, terms that get you both to thrive.

Do you live on base?

I spent a few years as a military wife, was stay-at-home mom for most of it. Two weeks after being stationed at Frt Bliss I ended up our family readiness group leader. I did the coffees, and one tea. The thing is a lot of wives didn't do it because they thought it was stupid. But it gave me a sense of self worth and an identity.

Also it made it so I knew all the wives in the unit, so I was never really alone. I did have plans while our husbands were away and at the very least we did coffee together once a month.

The other thing that worked, was we had a rule. We never cancelled plans, trips, for work. If he was put on CQ, ended up in the field, I went anyway. I brought my oldest son on his first camping trip just me and him for 5 days.

No matter what your husbands agenda, or motives are, your responsible for your own happiness, and since he is in the service, and has to move a lot, then you will always be making adjustments, to a new environment.

Having said that, he doesn't sound very co operative, or caring, and that to has to be adjusted for, and I think it starts by not being isolated, and have things to do for yourself beyond just taking care of kids, but 4 is quite a lot of work. Daycare, or a babysitter, for a day or two, will give you time for yourself, and I'm sure there are things to do, just you and other army wives, who can support, and guide you, through the transitions moving around makes.

You've been together long enough to have some sort of communications together, but if he is still uncaring, and stubborn (as I suspect so are you to a degree) then be less dependent on him, and let him be responsible for himself, which hopefully will get his attention, and make him willing to talk, and LISTEN.

How old are your kids any way?

Taoplr,
Thank you for the advice. I know everything you have written is true. I should master my English skills and go back to college. I did mention my husband I want to imroove my English skills by going back to college, but he told me he doesn't believe I need to study the language anymore (which I disagree with). He thinks I'm ready to go back to regular college and get my masters degree in any field. However, I feel I need to improove my writing skills. Again thank you for the advice, it truly helped me a lot.

Meredith1978,
No I do not live on a military base. Because our children have such big age differences we always try to look for the best high school and the safest neighborhood. I can not share my problems with other military wives. My husband keeps mentioning that it is important that his work place doesn't know about our marrige problems because it can hurt his career. He is also telling me that he doesn't have the need for friends. Which for some reason makes him believe he has the right to push people away from me. When I find some one I like to socialize with, he has many different ways of pushing them away from me (flirting, being rude and ignorant, telling me he does not aproove of my friends). I have started doing things for myself and I do enjoy it. Thank you for the advice, it is greatly appreciated.

Talaniman,
I agree, it is my motivation to be responsible for my happiness. However, my children will always be my first priority. About the moves, we move from state to state almost every 8th month. I am always the one who does the physical part of the moves (packing, taking care of kids, making sure we have all needs), which I really don't mind. I have become such a moving expert I might open my own buisiness. :) Because my youngest child is only two years of age, I am putting my career on hold for a while. I am very thankful for everyone's adveice and for the encouragement. I am very proud of my children and it brings me joy. Plus my husband has not left me, so that makes me happy as well. I'm a type of person who loves to enjoy every little thing in life, like : a book, the beauiful sunset, or just dancing by myself in the kitchen. It might seem kind of "cheese", but it's true. Thank you :)

Krisztinadf23, I suspect that your husband may be a bit of a control freak.

It may be difficult to 'fix' your marriage, even if you follow the great advice of the posters, because he wants to isolate you from other people and control your activities.

As you still have very young children, and you move so frequently you may have to slowly start building interests of your own outside of the home, away from his influence. It might be easier to not involve him in the things that you are doing during the day, and then you can dedicate your evenings to him, and the children.

There are also fabulous communities on the internet - and you can be anywhere to connect with them.

I would encourage you to confide on your family. My mother had a very difficult time with my father when they first emigrated to Australia and she did not tell her family. I believe that she really suffered because of it, and in the end they would not have passed judgement on her, just supported her.

Gemini54, You are so absolutely right. He is very controlling.

You are 100% correct, he does isolate me from people and control my activities. This is why I have to fight over and over again for my freedom when it comes to our marriage.

Before I met my husband I was always a active person, and I really wish I laid down that rule from the beginning we met. I take the responsibly for not standing up for myself (which probably caused the problems I'm dealing with now)

I thought through to myself all the things I enjoy to do and I realized that everything I love to do he hates (or just dislikes). This is why I felt I was tricked because for an entire year (before we wed), he made me believe we had the same interests.

I even bought myself glasses (which is ironic because I have eyes like a hawk), but I did it because it made him more comfortable letting me out on my own. I do not flirt with other men, but I do tend to grab their attention more than my husband likes.

I'm working on my independence in baby steps. I've always been involved with Martial Arts, and I have recently re-joined a class. I have to be very cautious with my husband, because if he becomes jealous, our if he doesn't like something, he will give me grief about it until I quit. When I told my husband about our class, I called my teacher master because that is the appropriate way to call some one in martial arts, just like ma'am/sir in the military. However, my husband (before thinking) told me he is my master and that I shouldn't call other men masters. When he recognized what he said he tried to play it off as a joke, but I really didn't believe he was kidding.

Again you are right, I can not involve him in my daily life because he will try to stop me from activities I enjoy doing alone.

My only question is, " Is there a marriage where you can enjoy life together, and not just work as co-workers?" Going through life with some one is a big journey and I think it is very important to "share" and "enjoy" life together as a loving couple. Now I know this is the reason I'm sad, because the man I love wants me to live his journey, not ours.

Thanks again
K

What may seem like separate paths can come together later, because life sometimes gives us different tasks, at different times. Don't be sad because it seems like his journey, as you will play more of a role in it, as you define, and grow into yourself.

He has a lot of growing to do also, and that's with help from you, as you both teach each other, over time to be better. It's a process, a long one at that, but as the nest empties, you will see that it was worth it, and you will be glad you stood up for yourself now.

My only question is, " Is there a marriage where you can enjoy life together, and not just work as co-workers?" Going through life with some one is a big journey and I think it is very important to "share" and "enjoy" life together as a loving couple. Now I know this is the reason I'm sad, because the man I love wants me to live his journey, not ours.

That is such a difficult question to ask for someone in your situation.

My answer would be, of course there are marriages where this is possible, certainly this is the way I live my marriage. But all marriages involve compromise, and what you need to decide is how much you are willing to compromise yourself in your marriage.

Can you continue to live the way you do, hoping for change sometime in the future, or is it unbearable in the present?

(Just as an aside, how is it that your English has improved so much since your first post?)

Gemini54, You are very smart and sharp (I like that). My language skills did not improve that well in such a short amount of time. I am embarrassed of my writing skills in English. However, I read and understand English perfectly. Reading is one of my strongest skills.

I was over thirty years of age when I moved to the U.S. and you already know I haven't been able to socialize or go back to school.

I'm trying to educate myself at home from the books I bought. I am using a computer program that helps me with my English grammar. When ever I type something down it tells me everything I did wrong and it fixes it for me.

I was kind of wondering when and who will mention my grammar improved in such short time. :) I wanted to show respect to those who take their time to read and reply to my problems.

K

I tried talking to him , but I don't think he care . All he said , I make him feel bad .
He doesn't care how I feel , but he's feelings should be respected (all he is talking about he's feelings , for him self).
I'm going to the doctor , seeking for some help . I got to the point I can't do this all alone any more.
I have to be a life for my children , in good health ( mentally, and physically as well).
I can not write down here every thing , so I can't except you can truly understand me.
I know I'm not perfect (way far from at ) , and having a fight need two people , so I try very hard not getting in he's way . Keep myself very busy , and do thinks what I like to do :)
Just like what he said " I'm a good man , I try my best, He is probably right, I need to come down, and obey him , and work harder to please him , and listening him and never tell what I'm truly think .
We lived this way for many years , and he was very happy whit me. Now , because I have had spoke for myself my life is living hell . You don't have to tell me , what's wrong whit that , I know very well.
He is a very good dad and love he's children so much , I never had a dad so I know how (is) feel like at .
Doesn't matter how I feel , my kids will grow up with a dad . I know this is what I want , I don't think my life is matter any more... any way . I know is wrong , but is OK .

I really know how confused you may be, but your kids are in good hands, (yours) and even though its tough now, they will grow up, and you will be proud of them. That's when you will have the time, and maturity, to go for what you want.

When my own kids grew to an age they were independent, and trustworthy, (thank you wife!) is when my wife started to claim her Independence, and free time to do her thing a lot more, and I think that's where your headed.

What kept her on the path though I think was her willingness to do whatever it took to build a happy home for us all. I may not of appreciated it then, much like your husband, but now, I see how hard she worked, and how difficult it was. Man, I look back and see all the BS my family had to go through, and am grateful for having a woman who overcame the obstacles despite my immaturity.

That's why I think you'll stick to it, and accomplish your main goal, raising your kids with love, and care, and get through this, and be able to enjoy the fruit of your labors, and grow happy and content with yourself, for overcoming your own obstacles.

I think you will be okay, and after the military is over, which makes life really tough, I do believe it will get better.

Cyber hug for appreciation, and support <hug>

Dear Talaniman,

Thank you for your kindness and sensitivity, I truly appreciate your honesty. My children age from 2-18 years. I had my oldest just after I have finished college. By math you must know by now , I'm not a "young chick.

Yes I love my children very much, yet my biggest frustration is not giving them the life I think they need because of the constant moves . My oldest one is finishing high school , honor student , good kid. All my children are so special in a different way. I call them my beautiful rainbow. One of them calls me Master Yoda. It makes me feel very honored. The other one, gives me a hundred kisses on the daily bases and tells me how beautiful I am. And my youngest looks up to me so much, so I have to be a good role model .

I'm very lucky and blessed. Thank you for pointing that out . Always walking on the golden path is not an easy things to do , but giving up is not an option.

My best regard and cyber hug for your support like a good friend, thank you.

Thanks for every one, who wrote me .
I don't feel I'm alone as much any more .

In my opinion your letting your husband do what he wants to do and think it is all right to step all over you. He is taking advantage of that. Try to be more independent and he will see that and at first probably will not like it, but for once ( I assume) this is not about him. This must me so terribly difficult for you, I came here from europe only 8 years ago and I understand how lonely it can get.
How old are you kids? I am wondering because by putting your kids through different activities you can also interact with the other parents.

You can also Go for a nice walk by yourself to clear your head and get some fresh air if you get the chance.

As some other people mentioned, get a hobby or join a club that interests you and that way you always have something to look forward to. You never know how it will be if you don't try to make everything better. If things do not work out at least you can say that you have tried.

One class that everyone that immigrates to a different country makes nice friends and meets friendly people is at an ESL class. People become quite close with each other especially if it is a group from your own culture.

Good luck and hope soon you will get proper respect!!

You need to tell your husband that it is true you do not want expensive presents and all but when you say you want surprised it means you want to share some special time together.

If he isn't going to take you out then you need to find a way to get the kids baby sat and get out on your own occasionally.

If he can't be reasoned with to see you need him IN your life like a husband I don't see your relationship getting any better.

I tried talking to him , but I don't think he care . All he said , I make him feel bad .
He doesn't care how I feel , but he's feelings should be respected (all he is talking about he's feelings , for him self).
I'm going to the doctor , seeking for some help . I got to the point I can't do this all alone any more.
I have to be a life for my children , in good health ( mentally, and physically as well).
I can not write down here every thing , so I can't except you can truly understand me.
I know I'm not perfect (way far from at ) , and having a fight need two people , so I try very hard not getting in he's way . Keep my self very busy , and do thinks what I like to do :)
Just like what he said " I'm a good man , I try my best ,, He is probably right, I need to come down, and obey him , and work harder to please him , and listening him and never tell what I'm truly think .
We lived this way for many years , and he was very happy whit me. Now , because I have had spoke for my self my life is living hell . You don't have to tell me , whats wrong whit that , I know very well.
He is a very good dad and love he's children so much , I never had a dad so I know how (is) feel like at .
Doesn't matter how I feel , my kids will grow up with a dad . I know this is what I want , I don't think my life is matter any more....... any way . I know is wrong , but is ok .

Krisztinad,

I just re-read the whole thread and also am impressed by your improving English. Keep it up.

Consider a few things:

If he has been physically abusive to you, some of my advice below is invalid. Please tell us if that is the case and we will explore other paths.

He is a self-centered narcissist who believes that, as his wife, you should be his servant for life. You can't change this self-serving belief by fighting and you can't fight your way out of this role in his mind. But you can change yourself in the ways you want, before he even notices, and present him with a new reality to which he has to adapt. He will hate that, but he will recognize it when it is too late to stop you. If you take a new position in your relationship and are absolute in it without room for compromise, I think he will accept it. There are other areas in which you might compromise, but not your self-development.

Your life is not invisible to your children. They see you as a role model, including how you deal with their father/step father. The girls will model you as a wife and they will all model your marriage. Maybe later, they will reject those models, but these will be their first unconscious choices when they first have a committed relationship. If you free yourself, they will model that.

Therapy works. You should be in a counseling process by yourself to sort through the normal issues that self-development requires. The whole family should be in therapy so the kids have a voice. He must be in therapy so he can grow up, learn about himself, and learn to listen. Seduce him into it. Never fight for it.

As I said above. Just moving ahead and not waiting for his agreement or permission is better than trying to get him to agree. There are consequences to both paths.

Your thoughts?

Tao

Hello everyone !
I think after one year silence my story will end now. Last summer I told him everything. After that my husband rejected me for six months never talk to me for that period. It was the same old story of humiliations, and making me feel worthless and the rest... I have learned something, I have to stop thinking about that maybe one day thinks will change. I will never obey him again, and this marriage will never work. Is make me very sad because I wanted so much, but I have to understand when I have to let it go. I will never live him, but I will never stop him from living. All I know I have to survive, I'm not afraid be alone, and I'm a hard worker, it will be okay. Thank you again:)

What a great spirit to have, and that's what will keep you going. Yes, you are a survivor.