Hello all… I’ve been browsing through this topic for a couple of days, and I could really use some feedback and an objective opinion regarding my situation.

Jumping right to the chase, my boyfriend and I are currently taking some ”space” apart (at his insistence) as he wants time to sort out his feelings and decide whether he wants to continue the relationship. This particular request for space came as a result of a recent misunderstanding between us – I saw it as a relatively minor bump in the road - he saw it otherwise. I know that the only thing I can do is respect his wishes as pushing for contact only makes things worse, and I’m trying to do that though it’s extremely difficult for me. I’m a let’s talk it out here and now kind of person, and he prefers to withdraw and retreat to his cave to lick his wounds alone. This isn’t the first time this has happened - it seems to be his coping mechanism for dealing with these types of issues - he typically eventually comes around, but we have to go through this frustrating “space” process first. I’ve witnessed a similar sort of behavior when conflicts have arisen with family members as well. All I can do is make it clear to him how I feel and then hope for the best.

We’ve been together for over 2 years, and have an otherwise wonderful and loving relationship. He’s extremely considerate and kind, we get along great, and are the best of friends. I know that communication is the key to a good relationship, and we do have it, however sometimes it’s a difficult process to start.

I love this man, and I feel what we have makes it worthwhile to try and work through this once again. There have been and will be ups and downs (as with any relationship) but at this point the good far outweighs the bad. I am planning to suggest counseling which I’m hoping might help us both to handle these types of problems more effectively. That is IF he’s willing to work things out – I’m of course very worried that this time he won’t be. It’s probably worthwhile to point out here that his definition of space does not include seeing other people, and infidelity is not an issue.

I know everyone handles things in their own individual way. Has anyone out there been on the giving or receiving end of this type of conflict, and any tips on how to deal with it more effectively? How much space is enough?

You said that he's request for space before and came back to you. So deal with it the same way you've been dealing with it in the past.

You say that you have a good communication system with him. Then if he comes around again, you should ask him the question of how much space he wants when he goes into these hibernation modes.

Every body has a different definition of space. If you want to respect his wishes, you should get clarification from him.

I'm sure it's not a simple misunderstanding that caused him to want space. I think it's a build up of different things. You might feel that you have a good communication system, but I'm not sure he feels the same way.

Once he's done reflecting, you have to confront him and answer all the difficult questions. You really need to talk this out with him.

Thanks for the post I Wish. Yes, you make a valid point - the misunderstanding did occur as a result of a buildup of smaller issues that really weren't dealt with directly (when things are good, we tend to not talk about the bad). It's a pattern that I know needs to change for this to work. I don't understand the flight rather than fight response, and when he jumps right to "space" and "thinking things through" it really worries me. To me that's a conclusion you come to after you've tried to talk and work things out.

I don't understand the flight rather than fight response, and when he jumps right to "space" and "thinking things through" it really worries me. To me that's a conclusion you come to after you've tried to talk and work things out.

That just shows that you guys have a very weak communication system.

The other possibility is that he has a lot of trouble expressing himself. Whatever it is, you need to talk it out with him to figure it out. Try to understand his behavior. Why does he need so much space, only to come back to you? Is he a very closed person? Does he confied with his friends and family?

He tends to lean towards working through things on his own - he's generally quite private with his emotions when it comes to friends and family etc. You may be right that he has difficulty expressing himself.

Still, even knowing that, each time that he asks for the dreaded "space" or indicates that he's not sure he wants to continue with things I worry...

Well if that's the type of person he is, you're just going to have to accept that. If you can't handle it, then maybe he's not the right guy for you.

I've witnessed a similar sort of behavior when conflicts have arisen with family members as well. All I can do is make it clear to him how I feel and then hope for the best.

Some times that's all you can do is give a person his chance to think about it, and gather is thoughts or feelings. Given he just seems to be that way, its still a red flag, that he wishes to put the relationship in the balance when their is a conflict.
Maybe that's the best he can do, but its unfair to you, so I suspect he doesn't have the tools to do better.

Hope your understanding, but that doesn't mean being foolish, as then you will be frustrated, and resentful. That is what must be worked out so you both have very clear boundaries, as to how to communicate with each other.

If everything is a deal breaker, that's making more issues, not solving them.
All you, and no him, seldom works for you both.

In a calm moment, just ask him how you can work together to resolve your issues.

Good advice Talaniman, and thank you.

I'm trying to be patient, and considerate of his feelings - but not talking is increadibly hard. We split up once during the past 2 years - it didn't last long, but the "no contact" period was torture. This feels much the same - when he says he wants to be left alone to clear his head he really means he wants to be left alone (no talking in person or by any other means).

I have knots in my stomach wondering if this time he might really decide to end things, and I'm fighting with myself at all times not to pick up the phone, or send an email, or get in the car and go see him. In the past it's always taken some extra effort on my end to persuade him out of his state of mind so that we can start to re-connect - Im trying not to do it this time, but I'm second guessing myself as to whether I should be - I'm worried that if I don't, things might fall apart.