Hi. My husband of 25 years has recently asked for a separation. I am shocked because I always thought we would be able to work out our problems. I won't go into all that now, though. I just want to know that in New York state, if one party has asked to separate, can the other one force them out of the house? Our finances are tight, and he does not have a spot set up yet. Also, we have 3 children, and I was wondering if we should wait until after the school year to tell them. Thanks. :(

Your question about he who gets what maybe better answered in the Family Law, may I suggest asking JudyKayTee directly, not via PM however, we aren't spose to do that. I just mean if she goes to your form, she seems to have a lot of Law type expereince, so ask her.

Any who, It may be hard but telling your kids is up to you. Trying to keep things civil between your ex and you, that will be the important part. If they see you two angery and fighting a lot will hurt them, confuse them and is hard for any child to understand. Telling them is up to you.

May peace and kindness be with you.

Someone had suggested that I ask Judy Kay... my question. I was just wondering if a wife can tell her husband to leave the house if he has asked for a separation in the state of New York. I do not want to go into all the details since I am seeking a counselor through our parish to help me with the separation (I was surprised it had gotten to this point). We really don't have the finances right now to have him live in an apartment, and his mom is dying of lung cancer; therefore, I don't think he should go there. He wants to stay here for a time and live as we have been living (him sleeping on the couch) until he can figure out what to do. I don't know if I can do it, though. I am so hurt, I am having a hard time with putting a smile on my face for our three kids. They do not know yet since I want to speak with counselors first. Our marriage did lose communication years ago which was probably more my fault since my husband did want to go for counseling at that time. I just thought it was the stress of everyday life. I know you have probably heard that a million times before, but I really did. I never stopped being in love with him, but he has now. He loves me, but he isn't in love. Unfortunately, he began talking with an old friend and they have started an emotional affair. She lives 1000 miles away. We would always send Christmas cards, etc. but in a million years, I would never have thought my husband who I trusted with my life would step out. I know this relationship he has now did not cause our marital problems, but it sure is making this whole process worse. I fell hurt, betrayed, confused, etc. etc. He should have sought counseling himself years ago when he felt I wasn't listening to his pain. I was, but I just didn't know it was as bad as it was. I was trying to raise our 3 children and work from home. We have had so many things to deal with in our marriage, too. Our oldest son passed away suddenly at 2 1/2 months and our second son was diagnosed at birth with a fatal disease. (This is controlled for the most part, and he lives normally and is doing very well.) I am so scared to tell my children who are 18, 15 and 8 this year. Also, he told me after we had a horrible 2 months. I was hopialized with vertigo, my son had a hernia operation (didn't know it was only a hernia for a while, too), his mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and our other son was in the hospital for a week with an intestinal blockage which I stayed with him. I guess I started to vent. LOL Sorry. But, now after finding out that he really wants a separation, I have also found out that he has been having someone guide him for supposedly 3 months. Well, I'm not 100% sure about that time line since now I don't know what's true or not. (I would never have said that 1 1/2 weeks ago.)

Well, can I make him leave our home? He's the bigger breadwinner and it is in both our names. Thank you. Of course I will be seeking the advise of a counselor this week, but I want to know the legal end.

If he leaves will you be able to pay the mortgage on your home ( if there is one) can you pay for the food, the electric and more. You can not expect him to pay all of your bills if he is not living at home.

You can always "ask" him to leave but you can not force him to leave a home in his name.

In divorce court you can ask for the home and force him out if you end up winning the home.

You need to sit down with a good divorce attorney.

But why can't he stay with his mother, her dying seems like a great time to spend time with her.

Yes, but only if a legal separation is filed. Since he is part owner of the home, you can't force him to leave without court action. So you have to file for a legal separation and, as part, of the separation agreement require that he move out.

BTW, if his mom is that sick, maybe it would be a good idea for him to go there to be of help.

P.S. I merged your two threads, I understand why you posted a second thread, but, in the future, please keep to one thread. You could have used the Report link to ask that it be moved.

I'm not sure how to directly reply to someone who replied to me. Sorry. My husband can't move in with his mom because my nephew has been living there for years, and recently his sister who lived alone moved in to help both of them with some expenses. (My father-in-law is in a nursing home, and my mother-in-law needed extra cash since the nursing home gets so much.) Therefore, my sister-in-law moved in to help both of them out. Ironically, I think it was a blessing since she was already living there when my mother-in-law was diagnosed. His sisters want us all to be happy, but they think my husband's timing was selfish since his mom is feeling so bad. I just think it shows his desperation since he adores his mother. She is having a very difficult time with this, too. I have always had a good relationship with all my in-laws, and our mothers are close friends, too. They have already spoken and said that that would never change. I will never tell my mom and many others about his emotional affair because I think people will judge him. I know that it didn't end our marriage, but I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that he didn't seek counseling by himself which could have guided him on how to get me to go to counseling years ago. Thank you.

First, I merged your threads again. Please use the Answer This Question options for follow-up. Do not start a new thread.

You seem to have an ambivalence here. You are not sure you want to continue your marriage, but you seem to care enough about your husband to worry how he can afford to live somewhere else. That's not unusual by the way.

But if you want him out, then it has to be ordered by a court.

Thanks for explaining about the threads. I didn't spend the time reading about how this all works. I am so confused.

I'm not sure what I have told or not told, but I do not want to get separated. I am shocked that he got to this point. Of course, I knew our marriage wasn't a healthy one, but I just thought it would get better when I went back to work full time. I work from home now; in order that, I was home with the kids. I am an accountant, and I hope to be able to find something. If I do, I may be able to continue living in my home. Ironically, I thought most of my husband's unhappiness was due to the extreme financial stress we would have. We live paycheck to paycheck and have cc debt, but I would always tell him that once I went back to work full time, we could chip away at that, and we would be fine again. He had wanted to sell our home sevreal years back, but I didn't want to do that either since we always did get by. I didn't want to uproot all of our lives for something I felt would get better when I went back to work full time. My youngest is 7, and I have been putting out feelers. I just have to get my clients that I have now in order to pass along to someone else since I couldn't continue doing them when I go back to work full time. All of these things were what I thought would make my husband feel less stressed, but unfortuanately I waited too long, and he found support through an old friend. I do think they have a sexual emotional relationship, and I wonder if she has ever come to see him in the last several months. She lives 1000 miles away and is in a bad marriage, too. Thank you.

I am so sick about all of this. I don't know what to do. I know I will seek counseling for myself at least; in order that, I can help me and our kids, but I feel so lonely. Normally, on a beautiful Sunday we would do something, but now I will never have that again. What do I do? I need to work on a project today for a client, and I can't even get myself to do it. It happens to be the one I hate the most too. Please help me.

I am so sick about all of this. I don't know what to do. I know I will seek counseling for myself at least; in order that, I can help me and our kids, but I feel so lonely. Normally, on a beautiful Sunday we would do something, but now I will never have that again. What do I do? I need to work on a project today for a client, and I can't even get myself to do it. It happens to be the one I hate the most too. Please help me.

You keep mentioning that he has asked for a separation but I don't see any mention of progress in that area.. were you seved with papers ? If not your going to need a lawyer. Another thing is that because of what your going through your in a depressed state. That's why your lacking motivation. Try to realize that and also where you can shorten the list of " right now " goals so it takes some of the pressure off. Another thing is to try not to use the word NEVER. That's an absolute that doesn't work in your situation. Times are tough but you can bounce back from anything. First and foremost you need true legal council from someone in your area. Again its mostly going to depend on how far along things have gotten before you can get real answers.

No, I have not been served papers. I don't even think my husband is thinking in those terms yet. Right now, it feels to me that over the course of several years, he has truly felt that I did not love him since I did not listen to his cry for help. As mentioned previously, I didn't really think it had gotten to this point. I thought as I went back to work full time when the kids got older, we would have less financial stress; therefore, be OK again. That was foolish. I knew our marriage wasn't "healthy", but I always thought we would be together. We have endured so much in our lives already. I know he must be surprised at how hurt I am because he didn't think I was in love anymore. We both truly do love each other, but unfortunately I still am in love, too. I think his timing is weird since his mother is dying, and our kids have special events in the next coming months, but I think he felt desperate. He is very upset at how I feel and he is scared, too. He doesn't want our kids to be hurt especially. I wish I had listened to his cry for help, but I do wish he had gone for counseling himself at that time to try to figure out what to do then instead of all this. Sorry I'm babbling. I know that I'm depressed, but I still need to get moving. I am truly keeping a front for my kids right now until I seek professional help on that end. I will not mess this up for them. I will do what is best for all of us. It just hurts to have your husband of 25 years tell you he has found someone else and that someone else is an old friend that they just talk on the phone/e-mail at this time. (I think that's all, I'm not even sure anymore-- she does live 1000 miles away, but I don't know her financial position.) I know my husband is sick about that too, but what really hurts is that it does hurt him but he still probably will call her. I have told him that if you do stay at the house in the interim, I can't feel right about him communicating with her when my kids and I live here. Normally, I would think that separating would be to see if you could work something out, but I can see it in his eyes (sad and frightened) that he really doesn't want to work at it, but I think that's because he has a soft place to land with this other person. I can't even believe this is me I'm writing about. Thank you.

You NEED to go to JOINT counseling. You both need to talk out your feelings in a controlled environment. While individual sessions may help cope with the dissolution of your marrieage, if you want to make it work you need to work together on it.

Thank you. I think I'm going to stop writing now because I'm rereading them and thinking how pathetic I amright now. I know that whatever happens will happen, but I will try to save the marriage if I can. I will never force therapy on my husband, but I am seeking individual help right now for me to know how to handle my feeling and for my husband and me to know the right way to tell our children. I want us all to be happy, and I hope that we can find it with each other again. I know that I am to blame here, too. I didn't hear him as I should have, and I could have gone for individual counseling, too which could have helped me try to repair the communication breakdown before he found someone else to listen to him. Thank you for all your advice. It is appreciated. Sometimes it's easier to speak with people you don't know, especially on line. That's also what I told my husband. Even though he knew this girl all his life, it was easier to start an emotional affair (hope that's all) since you were communicating via on-line, phones, etc. It's very easy to say things when you are not face to face. Thanks again.

First you don't sound pathetic. Its not unusual for a spouse who is having problems communicating with the other spouse to look for solace elsewhere. I would not look on this as a betrayal to you since it appears to be only a correspondence. But more a weakness on your husband's part to not force the issue on the problems you are having and working jointly to resolve them.

First you don't sound pathetic. Its not unusual for a spouse who is having problems communicating with the other spouse to look for solace elsewhere. I would not look on this as a betrayal to you since it appears to be only a correspondence. But more a weakness on your husband's part to not force the issue on the problems you are having and working jointly to resolve them.

Well said.. I agree


Greenie monster ate my share of greenies so a quote will have to do!!

I guess I will keep going. LOL Actually, I'm not sure if it is only a correspondance. I can't remember what I wrote above, but I did see one e-mail from her. I can't remember exactly what was said, and I have never done that before either. I looked because I knew my husband was in a crisis since he had asked for a separation and really meant it. I was like what the heck is going on even though I knew our marriage had problems. It like when I tell my kids that I will always give them privacy except if I think something serious and unhealthy is going on. If I felt that way, I would tear your room apart. Well, I teared my husbands e-mail apart. I only scrolled down to her name because was wondering what he could be saying to her. I was thinking that maybe I would be able to find out something on why my husband was doing this. Again, this girl he has known all his life. She lives 1000 miles away and is not happy in her marriage either. What I found shocked me because I felt it was definitely sexual banter. I know my husband hasn't gone 1000 miles away, but I am unsure if she has come our way. He has told me (after much heartache since he knew I would be so upset) that he had found someone else. I knew it was her. He called her 1 1/2 years ago just to talk as they would every once in awhile since they grew up together. They never dated back then, but I knew my husband always had a soft spot for her. About 3 months ago, the tone changed between them. I think he is in love with her, but I also think it's because she is giving him what he needed right then. It's hard to know that my husband has talked sexual banter with someone else when we never really did. I know that it is much easier to "write" sexual banter then to say it in person, though. I have told my husband that I wish we had e-mailed like that because it may have even been fun. (It was porn banter it was just like I get the shivers thinking about it and I need a cold shower.) I think they planned to meet though soon. I'm not sure if they have in the past. My husband says he has never had a sexual relationship outside of our marriage. I would have believed him until this note. He is hysterical crying on the phone with me today because he is hurting so much because he can't stand seeing me in so much pain. I am trying not to say too much, but I have texted him and left some notes. I am stepping back now, and letting him think through on his plans. His one sister and mine feel that he felt so unloved at times, that he needed to talk with someone. They feel (hope) that when he really thinks about how I have opened up and told him exactly how I feel about him, going to counseling for myself, feeling terrible myself for not realizing how far this had gone, he may try to save our marriage. I will never beg him to go to counseling since I don't want him to be unhappy. I am so sorry I'm babbling. It's very therapeutic to write out your feelings. LOL As mentioned repeatedly above I imagine, we are both at fault since both of us could have gone for individual counseling years ago to help ourselves and then each other in our marriage. Thanks again.

I just reread my message. I meant it was NOT porn banter, it was just... That's a big ooops. I also know that we have been together for 27 years. They didn't have the technology to so openly communicate back then. We would write love notes early on, but that was it. I know that couples today just starting have a different experience since you can "write" many things that you may not have said to their face. I know my husband has been feeling terrible, but he really doesn't think of it as an "affair." I think he does now since I repeatedly told him (even over the years about another couple) that if the call/e-mail/coffee break whatever is not something you can tell your spouse, then something is not right about it. You break up before that level is begun. I think he may never have met her YET, and that's why he needed to break now since he wants to. It's easy to talk to you guys, but since you don't know us, I just want to say that we were truly in love for years. We had tragedies that we endured together and many of our friends think of us as such a strong couple. I know my husband loves me and he feels that it is best to break and have our children see us respect each other again. I think and hope we can do that together again since our cards are on the table. He is a very good man and he loves his kids immensely. His heart is breaking too for all of us, but he just wants to be happy. Doesn't everyone though? Of course, I have had much anger over the past week, but now I am understanding a little better the depth of his unhappiness. Jeez! LOL I have to stop. LOL I have to get my job done, too. Thanks again!!

I just reread my message. I meant it was NOT porn banter, it was just... That's a big ooops. I also know that we have been together for 27 years. They didn't have the technology to so openly communicate back then. We would write love notes early on, but that was it. I know that couples today just starting out have a different experience since you can "write" many things that you may not have said to their face. I know my husband has been feeling terrible, but he really doesn't think of it as an "affair." I think he does now since I repeatedly told him (even over the years about another couple) that if the call/e-mail/coffee break whatever is not something you can tell your spouse, then something is not right about it. You break up before that level is begun. I think he may never have met her YET, and that's why he needed to break now since he wants to. It's easy to talk to you guys, but since you don't know us, I just want to say that we were truly in love for years. We had tragedies that we endured together and many of our friends think of us as such a strong couple. I know my husband loves me and he feels that it is best to break and have our children see us respect each other again. I think and hope we can do that together again since our cards are on the table. He is a very good man and he loves his kids immensely. His heart is breaking too for all of us, but he just wants to be happy. Doesn't everyone though? Of course, I have had much anger over the past week, but now I am understanding a little better the depth of his unhappiness. Jeez!! LOL I have to stop. LOL I have to get my job done, too. Thanks again!!!


It seems that you would be wise to talk to a counseler, some one who can teach you things to help you cope with this situation, and any others that may present themselves.

You sound like you're on the verg of a break, especially since you seem frantic. Sorry, that's what I sense. It's not bad, it just means that you would be best advised to try and slow the drama down or back up the stress. Please talk to a Professional, because it's never to late.

Your husband must sort his own out, and you can't make him do other wise. Give yourself some credit for staying strong but also allow yourself to open up, and let go. Crying isn't a weakness as some may assume, it is actually a strength. It shows that we really care about something, so don't be affraid/ashamed to cry.

Peace be with you.

I really have been very careful and mostly calm when I speak with my husband. I may sound frantic here because I was using the "writing of the words" as therapy for me. I am upset, and most people I speak with feel that we will probably work it out because they know us. Thank you.

Peace be with you.