Hi I have a rather difficult problem that has been eating me up for years. In 1971 I stopped going out with my Girlfriend because she would not commit to me and refused to lose her virginity to me, after she begged me to go back with her, I met and married another woman and the years went by so quickly and then in 1980/1981 I met her at her parents house and we ended up having a brief but passionate affair, she had married in 1973 and moved away.

I then found out that she had a daughter and the timing was right, now after all these years 38 to be exact I find I can not get the idea that I have a daughter out of my mind, I want to approach her and ask for a DNA test?

I do not feel I owe her anything after all I have been cheated out of my heritage for all these years, haven't I?

Hello,I was just wondering if you could clarify,
In your opening line you say 'ex girlfriends son'
And in your text you say daughter?

hello,i was just wondering if you could clarify,
in your opening line you say 'ex girlfriends son'
and in your text you say daughter?

I meant daughter.

You could ask the mother of your daughter,if she is yours,however,it would cause a lot of stress for her for you to turn up demanding a DNA test on a 38 year old!

There is also no guarantee that IF you got as far as getting your 'daughter' to agree,she would have anything to do with you.

You are a stranger to her.

It is unfair to bring this havoc to theses peoples lives.

Let sleeping dogs ly.

I thought of making a friendly approach to my ex lover and asking her for a secret sample, hair, skin, blood so the DNA test could be done discreetly. But it seems she has bulit a perfect life based on lies, I think a little havoc would do them good, I was going to write asking my ex lover, whether she would sooner I asked her husband to be tested so that he could just be suspicious enough to have the test done.

Oh my.. you have no concrete proof that this women is your daughter,only what you want to believe.
What will you gain by pursuing this?

There is a strong possibility that your ex was already pregnant when you met again,or she became pregnant soon after the event by her husband.
Do you honestly wish to disrupt this family?

You have very little to gain,and they have a lot to lose if you go ahead.

Are you asking that I suffer in ignorance for the sake of this woman who though nothing of cheating on her husband, and that I sacrifice myself so that they do not lose.

I thought you would have seen that their pain is my gain. I make that out to be cool justice.

Thanks for the advicethough as you obviously have taken sides and judged that the families pain would be greater than the pain I have.

You want justice but YOU were a willing participant at her cheating.
Also if you put her through this she may for whatever reasons go after you for child support AND back child support if it does happen to be yours and STILL N0 guarantee that you would get any visitation rights with the child. It does not matter what 'you feel you do not owe her' it is a matter of what the court says.

If you are right, and you do have a daughter that is 38 years old, you have every right to know that in my opinion.

If, however, you are wrong, it would cause a rift between all the adults involved, including the 'girl', and will have only negative consequences for everybody.

If you knew shortly after your affair that she had a baby, and have suspected for all these years, why didn't you do something then if you wanted to step up and determine who the father was.

While your heritage might be denied as you said, whatever you do will be at the expense of a family that has long ago been established. She would never regard you as her father, not in any real sense.

You may rightfully learn that she is yours, but don't you think it would be a bitter sweet victory with no real winners?

You are absolutely right of course. However, women generally treat men in a terrible fashion, they mary the potentially highest earner, they marry for money and not for love, they hurt those who really love them all for greed, the girl is actually 26 but I do not wish to be identified, which is why I said boy and not girl.

I did try to sort this out once before but instead was ignored, now I am in the age of the dying zone I have nothing to lose and maybe something to gain.

Besides which revenge has wings of it's own and maybe, just maybe, that is justification enough to destroy her smug life which is just a lie.

You may very well end up destroying your ex girlfriends life, but I have to say that you sound so bitter after so many years have passed.

There has to be more to your life than settling what you see as scores of days gone past. Not all women are as you described, actually, I think it's the opposite. People do marry for love, and love is not enough to make a marriage work, or a relationship work.

You have been faced with what seems like an opportunity to you, for a little revenge. If you can see past that, and realize that hurting other people isn't going to make you feel any better. You may be right on all counts, but being right will not change the past. It is what it is.

In other words, nothing will change for you except the satisfaction of hurting them.

Is it really worth it?

I have read the points on here mainly left by women. I of course like to see views that are opposite to mine or in fact concur.

I think what you need to know is that this is the ultimate revenge, not a little revenge.

The thing I hate more than betrayal is smugness and please also note that this girlfriend also had a relationship with my brother behind my back but always retained her virginity, so she obviously thought = keeping my virginity = purity, I think also that revenge is pure.