Hello everyone.

I'm new to this place and what brought me here was desperation. After almost nine years, she's left me high and dry. We decided to move in together, so I've been moved out since September with her. It was all great for a few months, then she began getting annoyed with me. While I was willing to meet her half way with everything, she never did the same. It was her way or the highway. For example: if she needed help with something, I was suppose to offer instead of her just asking for it. I can understand that (to a certain extent) but the main problem was us going out to do stuff. I admit, we didn't go out very much. She would complain and I told her, "If you feel like going out or want to go out sometime, just let me know." We've had two big fights about this and she's agreed with me about that, but then she goes against her word and says, "I shouldn't have to ask you."

Two days have passed since she packed up and left me without saying a word. I called and she wants time and that I should respect that. I was begging, doing anything I could to get her back. I just can't believe this is happening. The nights here feels so alone. Today I went to work and it was the longest eight hours I've ever experienced. I cried four times (went to the bathroom) and felt so weak I couldn't stand up without shaking, not to mention I am not eating. Haven't eaten for two days now. This whole mess makes me want to kill myself (not going to) because I feel like it's all my fault.

Regardless, I've read some experiences and want to thank you all for helping me cope with this. Reading everything helps me a lot. I've never experienced something so painful and I don't know how long it will take to heal but I have no choice.

Things I'm doing:
NC / friends / family / work / hobbies / me

If there's any additional advice out there, please feel free. I need all I can have at this point.

I don't understand why all was well for 8 years, and then as soon as you moved in together it all went pear shaped.

What was different when you weren't living together? Why did she have to ask you to go out? Why would she leave without telling you?

Perhaps the first thing you need to consider is why it happened. Give yourself time to reflect on this and seek counselling if you truly want to be objective about your own behaviour. Don't beat yourself up - we all make mistakes. The most important thing is to learn from them.

You may feel awful for a couple more weeks but it will start to ease, particularly if you set about understanding what you did to create the break up. Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and create the conditions for happier relationships in the future.

The difference was the 8 years of not living together, obviously she didn't like living with me. We both have made mistakes but got through them (I did, didn't seem she did). The going out part, it was with just us. She would want me to ask her if we can go out instead of her saying she wants to go out. I did this but I guess it wasn't enough.

Donot beg, donot try to contact her, let her make her decision, if she thinks that the relationship is worth salvaging she will come back.In by the way needy and desperate is never attractive.

Sounds like you are on the right track.

I think that you guys dragged out your relationship longer than it should have been. Everything that happened seems inevitable. You were eventually going to move in together one day and she was eventually going to see your bad habits. I'm sorry you guys didn't realize it sooner. But better late than never. So hopefully you can have some peace knowing that you might have feelings for each other, but you weren't right for each other.

Any breakup is going to be tough, but at least you gained experience and you are more aware of what type of girl you want. So when the next girl comes along, she'll be really special!

Thanks guys, I'm trying to be as strong as possible right now. I cannot be alone right now, I always have to be doing something with my friends or family. I still can't eat or sleep very well if you have any suggestions for that.

First things first. You need to worry about yourself 100%. Sounds cliché, but it's true.

Just remember that whatever you do right now will leave a lasting impression on her. If you grovel and act like a baby she will remember those moments. And while you may hope she see's it as sweet and that you care - it's not the impression she will have. In reality she will see you as a big pu$$y who can't hold his own. You need to be a man here. Be strong and deal with what you've been dealt.

My advice. If she contacts you (don't contact her) tell her in a heartfelt way that you love her and it's sad that this has happened. But that you will give her what she wants. And that's it!

Then you can go cry in a corner for the next 3 months (which is normal by the way). Work on yourself and all that other jazz that people say here.

If there's ONE huge thing I regret-- it was losing my dignity. Things I did and said back during my breakup make me cringe and feel sick. Don't do the same thing.

Does she have someone else?

Does she have someone else?

Why does this matter.

That's what I needed to hear, king. I've thought about being 'sweet' and giving her flowers at work or at her house, telling her I want her back but I see how things are viewed from a different person. Thanks man.

She said she isn't seeing someone else but that may very well be the case. Maybe she's trying to protect my feelings... either way, I need to deal with it and prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

That's what I needed to hear, king. I've thought about being 'sweet' and giving her flowers at work or at her house, telling her I want her back but I see how things are viewed from a different person. Thanks man.

Flowers and all that are OK for certain situations- but sadly your situation is past that. Think of this too.. do you really want to be able to sweet talk your way with flowers to a girl who walked out? Walking out is a big deal and requires a lot of thought and SHOULDN'T be able to be made all better with some flowers.


First impressions are important, but I think the lasting impression is the most critical. Those last moments of any meeting are what people think about over and over again.

Walk away with your head high. If she comes back great (she probably won't, sorry) but if she doesn't she'll remember the man she left behind. And you'll be able to continue life the man you really are.. growing and learning every step of the way.

Why does this matter.

I was wondering why after 9 years would someone just leave like that for what seems to me none issues or issues that couldn't be worked out.

I was wondering why after 9 years would someone just leave like that for what seems to me none issues or issues that couldn't be worked out.

Well none of that really matters right now. It's all about him and his coping at this point. Stressing over the thought of an ex being with someone else only adds to the fire.

I will try my hardest and for myself, not for anyone else. I still can't believe she left me high and dry after all we've been through but I guess that's the last thing I should be thinking about.

*sigh* and the pain goes on...

*sigh* and the pain goes on...

Embrace it! It's one of the few times where you're allowed to be a suck! ;)

I've been in NC since April 21st and still counting. I'm happy to say I've gotten my appetite back. I still think about her but now see a clearer picture. At first it was all about regret, thinking about, "if I hadn't/would of done this/that, things would of been different..." Having time to think about it all, I was just giving her an excuse for her to leave me and didn't see the true picture of she just didn't want to be with me anymore. She wanted to 'spread her wings' and explore her interests and feelings and used a decoy in either guilt or to spare my feelings.

I'm not happy about it, probably won't be for a while... but a good thing is I'm learning about my mistakes and learning that it takes two people to end a relationship so beating myself up for it was only adding regret to what I did wrong when in fact she had a lot to do with it. I've back-tracked and have even seen a bunch of red flags for ME to end the relationship.

Anyway, I'm making the most of the situation. Threw away all her stuff she gave me, going back to school, reunited with a few friends, learning how to play guitar, working my a$$ off at work. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me.

I'm glad you're moving through it - see, it's isn't that hard when you put your mind to it (unlike some other posters!). Keep well and keep happy.

Yeah, I need to keep my mind set on my goals, my beliefs, MY LIFE. I can't believe how much my life evolved around her.

Now I'm seeing a bigger picture and even though I still think about her and the relationship, I don't have urges to contact her anymore. I think I'm off to a pretty good start, just need to keep my head up.

Oh boy, she called me and texted me about an hour ago but I told my friend to delete the text and I didn't pick up the phone. That just brought back a whole lot of things I don't want to deal with. Ugh..

Threads merged

It's been since April 21st since I last talked to my ex when she ended our 9 year relationship. As I've been trying to deal with things the right way (going out with friends, work, new hobbies), I seem to keep coming back to thoughts I can't help.

I keep thinking about her going out with other guys, kissing other guys and eventually sleep with other guys. It's so hard for me sometimes, I just want these thoughts to end. Seems like I have more bad days then good. It started positive, now it's just going down hill... I hate this.

Everyone goes through this stage. It sucks and it seems so endless but we have to always think that sometime we have to forget what we feel to be better.

Try and make yourself remember the bad occasions. When she upset you, when she made you feel bad, when you argued or shouted at each other. String all these memories together and keep re-living them over and over again. Eventually the other thoughts will fade into nothing. It worked for me, but it takes time and some effort. Good Luck.

NC is one heck of a roller coaster ride, it's always changing. One day you feel good, then a week goes by where everything reminds you of her, those are the times you need your hobbies and friends the most. It does get better, it just takes time

Your mind has a way of playing tricks on you. After a break-up you tend to focus on the good memories but when this happens immediately think of something else. Don't hold on that thought.

Your break-up is still fresh and everything your feelings and going through is normal just whatever you do, don't break NC.

With a lot of willpower and patience your survive. Keep yourself busy and hopefully you have a support system wherever your at and you can always come on here.

Believe or not exercising is good for you especially when your going through NC. Your be surprise on how good you will feel after a workout.

The beauty of NC is that you NEVER have to know about your ex, for the rest of your life if you so desire. I hate to be the guy who breaks it to you, but she will date, kiss and sleep with other guys. It is life. You WILL date, kiss and sleep with other girls, it is life. If you do this right, you won't have what happened to me happen to you. Avoid contact and avoid seeing, and even hearing about your ex, and these thoughts will be just that, thoughts. You have gone a little more than two weeks. After nine years, two weeks is comparable to 2 hours. It will take a lot more time.

I believe I read somewhere that each year together equals about two months apart to get over her. So, you're looking at a year an a half, if you stick with the formula.

You can speed this up by following the NC rules, getting your own life on track, and enjoying your own activities and group of friends. I'm still not completely over my ex either, but it's only been a couple weeks for me as well. However, I'm not letting my thoughts control my life.

Check out my sig, it might help you out :)

~ Tee

These feelings will pass. Just do whatever it takes to stay distracted and have fun. Do not contact her. It will cause these feelings to persist, or in my case comeback.

Once these feelings pass, you don't want them coming back... It Sucks!

9 years is a long time. I would actually discourage putting a deadline on when you think you should be over this. Everyone is affected by a break-up differently and will also heal differently. Some people take longer to heal, while others don't.

It's normal to feel the things that you feel. I think the toughest part in the recovery process is that you have to accept that she is not longer your significant other. She's just another regular person now.

I wish there was a quick recovery process too, but it just doesn't work that way. The fact that you dated for 9 years means that you will probably take even more time to recover than someone that broke up from a much shorter relationship.

There are times that you will see things that remind you of her and you will start thinking about her. Try your best to block out those thoughts and think about something else. I know it's tough, but try your best.

I find that reconnecting with old friends that interacted a lot with our exes sometimes causes us to remind ourselves of our ex. So
One thing that really helps is to make new friends. It will feel like a fresh start.

Patience is the key. It will take time, but you WILL recover. You got to believe in that.

I'm right here with you man. I have the same thoughts and feelings. It really sucks. But I've been NC for about the same time. We'll get through it.

I keep thinking about her going out with other guys, kissing other guys and eventually sleep with other guys.
When my ex broke up with me this was a big problem I had to deal with. I can honestly say stay NC and don't ask anyone about your ex. What you don't know won't hurt you. 3 months into my break up I asked about ex and was told she had a new boyfriend. My 3 months of healing was thrown out the door, and went back to square one. So please stay NC and don't ask about your ex until you are healed.

I appreciate everyone's comments and support. I'm such a rookie when it comes to being the breakee, I've never dealt with this before.

I know what I'm suppose to do, I know what I'm suppose to avoid. I've controlled my urges to call her or make contact in some way. Venting to you guys is definitely helping me out, thanks.

I have a question. After this whole thing happened, I began smoking. Is it OK to continue smoking through all of this? I know health wise, it's not a good idea. But to cope with all of this while smoking... is that OK?

Not OK!

Try to not use bad habits as a crutch. Smoking is bad and very hard to quit. It is also repulsive to a lot of women.

I started back up after my ex broke-up with me after being smoke free for 3 years. Now I got to go through the pain in the a$$ process of quitting AGAIN, for the 3rd time... LOL! I think I'm doing pretty well. I only had had 1 this week (slipped up while I was drunk, that's my trigger).

Try to quit and get healthy. Easier said than done... and I should know!

Girls! Jeesh! Okay, yes, I am a girl, but still, jeesh!

You're better off without her. She wanted a mind reader, someone that only thought about her and her needs.

Heck, I'd love it if I didn't have to tell hubby everything but I do. If I want to go out and I don't tell him then how is it his fault he didn't figure it out?

You're doing great. This isn't easy, you'll take many steps backwards but you will go on.

I'm glad you're here talking to all these guys, they're great. It does help coming here and spilling your guts so keep it up.

As for the smoking. I'd love to say don't do it, it's bad for you, but really, it's up to you. You know what to do. :)

Good luck. Stay strong. This too shall pass.

Let's put it this way:

It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier to get over an ex breaking it off with me than it is to quit smoking.

I take issue with the smoking thing... I for one think smoking isn't as bad for me as my ex was... just saying

^^ I second that opinion.

Thanks for your advice, it's been really hard for me. I sort of took a step back emotionally and keep thinking of what's never going to happen anymore. I think about the good things and the bad, it's just that the good things seem to heavily out-weigh the bad things about the relationship.

Ugh, I just want to move past all of this.

Thanks for your advice, it's been really hard for me. I sort of took a step back emotionally and keep thinking of what's never going to happen anymore. I think about the good things and the bad, it's just that the good things seem to heavily out-weigh the bad things about the relationship.

Ugh, I just want to move past all of this.

Yeah I just want it to be over and done with too. Maybe your looking back with rose colored glasses. I know at times I do. Sometimes when I have a decent day I even feel guilty about it. I'm really not sure why I feel like that since I was the one dumped.

I think the reason you feel guilty about having a good day, is because we're still in the beginning stages and living through a 'good day' without the ex makes it feel abnormal in a way. I'm also trying to get over that too.

There are so many problems to get past, I can't even count. I look at them as a challenge, as I'm a very competitive person. I feel as though I'm competing with myself. I think that's my little edge on NC.

It's a trivial issue to ask or have to be asked to go somewhere. My ex never used to put the phone down or stop texting unless I asked her if she wanted to stop, but would then moan about me being too controlling! The problem is she isn't putting the effort in. if it is just one of you it can't work, but if she wants to go somewhere she is perfectly capable of asking. Otherwise it becomes circular. She says you should ask her, you can say you need to ask me. It is circular and achieves nothing. Whilst you put in the effort she isn't and it won't work while it stays this way

its a trivial issue to ask or have to be asked to go somewhere. my ex never used to put the phone down or stop texting unless i asked her if she wanted to stop, but would then moan about me being too controlling!! the problem is she isnt putting the effort in. if it is just one of you it can't work, but if she wants to go somewhere she is perfectly capable of asking. otherwise it becomes circular. she says you should ask her, you can say you need to ask me. it is circular and achieves nothing. whilst you put in the effort she isnt and it wont work while it stays this way


I see what you're saying. It was that way for a while actually. I would always be the 'fix it' guy because she had a lot of problems about me. Come to think about it, I didn't try to change or tell her how to do anything. But she would be getting after me and judging the hell out of me. I could give so many examples about how she would tear me down and I did nothing but walk away. She's even said things about my parents to me that is so disrespectful.

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. My relationship was much shorter, only two and a half years, but the emotional rollercoaster you're going through pretty much sums up mine too.

Unfortunately I've taken up smoking again since the break up too. It's not good, but I feel I need the crutch at the moment until things start feeling bit better.

My NC started April 24th and has lasted so far. There a good days and very bad days. I think things will eventually get better for both of us. Good luck with it!

Yeah man, the pain sometimes is overwhelming... but I try to cheer myself up as much as to try to get excited about the NBA Playoffs. When I watch basketball, the pain is still there but I'll get distracted more often.

I'm not even looking forward to being happy again, that's going to take forever. I'm waiting for the "I don't care anymore" phase... I just don't want to physically feel the pain anymore.

I use to be the hardest, most productive worker at my job... Now? I'm probably the least productive one. I don't know when I'll start to be as hard working as I use to be... at least at work. All my energy is going to this crap. You'd be surprised how much the mental pain takes a tole on you physically. Err... I'm guessing some of you posters here won't be as surprised as I think.

Yeah man, the pain sometimes is overwhelming...but I try to cheer myself up as much as to try to get excited about the NBA Playoffs. When I watch basketball, the pain is still there but I'll get distracted more often.

I'm not even looking foward to being happy again, that's going to take forever. I'm waiting for the "I don't care anymore" phase...I just don't want to physically feel the pain anymore.

I use to be the hardest, most productive worker at my job... Now? I'm probably the least productive one. I don't know when I'll start to be as hard working as I use to be...at least at work. All my energy is going to this crap. You'd be suprised how much the mental pain takes a tole on you physically. Err...I'm guessing some of you posters here won't be as surprised as I think.

Yeah I agree. I don't care about being happy. I just want to be in the I don't care what she does phase myself. And yes mental things can take a huge tole on the physical. And it really really sucks.

I had a decent day yesterday but a horrible night. Kept waking up and thinking about crap. So that in itself affects the physical. Still going NC although I have a huge urge to break it for some reason. I'm scared to not break it yet I'm terrified to find out something else that will hurt me.

Still going NC although i have a huge urge to break it for some reason. I'm scared to not break it yet i'm terrified to find out something else that will hurt me.


I feel the same way. This is one of many reasons I'm staying NC. I had a dream last night that toar my heart comletely apart. I was literally hurting from my heart. Oh my god I feel like it just set me back to the beginning.

I feel the exact same way. This is one of many reasons why I'm staying NC. I had a dream last night that toar my heart comletely apart. I was literally hurting from my heart. Oh my god I feel like it just set me back to the beginning.

Yeah I have problems sleeping to. I wake up and have this same conversation over and over in my head with the girl. It just sucks cause I feel tired and it just bugs me. I know I just want her out of my head.

I have different dreams, but it ends up all the same.

Last night I was dreaming I was at the beach with my family and I was thinking to myself, "it's been so long since you started NC, don't break it now." Well, I broke it and called her. She answered and told her how I really missed her and how we can make things work out. But no matter how much I was trying to hear her speak, noise in the background would get in the way or noise where I was at kept making me miss what she was saying... It was weird.

Night before that I was dreaming that I went to her house but her dad said she wasn't there, she was at her uncles. I went to her uncles and he said she was at my house. I went back to my house and my mom said she just left to go back at her house. I went back and her father answered the door, telling me she doesn't want to see or hear from me and wouldn't let me in or even see her face.

Even in my dreams I can't get a hold of her.

I have different dreams, but it ends up all the same.

Last night I was dreaming I was at the beach with my family and I was thinking to myself, "it's been so long since you started NC, don't break it now." Well, I broke it and called her. She answered and told her how I really missed her and how we can make things work out. But no matter how much I was trying to hear her speak, noise in the background would get in the way or noise where I was at kept making me miss what she was saying...It was weird.

Night before that I was dreaming that I went to her house but her dad said she wasn't there, she was at her uncles. I went to her uncles and he said she was at my house. I went back to my house and my mom said she just left to go back at her house. I went back and her father answered the door, telling me she doesn't want to see or hear from me and wouldn't let me in or even see her face.

Even in my dreams I can't get a hold of her.

I just dream about me telling her. That she disrespected and made me feel used. That she cheapened our relationship by the things she said. And that if she couldn't do it in person because she would talk herself out of it that she has no idea what the hell she wants.

Course then my night is pretty much shot I just replay that over and over.

Dreams come and go. It is still fresh in your mind and unfortunately it is something you have to deal with. Your mind and heart is going through the process of emotionally detaching from someone, and that takes time. Nothing you are experiencing is abnormal, and it will continue for sometime.

Be patient, and continue on the NC path of healing. Once you get through this, you will have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and you will see what being truly happy feels like, again.

Dreams come and go. It is still fresh in your mind and unfortunately it is something you have to deal with. Your mind and heart is going through the process of emotionally detaching from someone, and that takes time. Nothing you are experiencing is abnormal, and it will continue for sometime.

Be patient, and continue on the NC path of healing. Once you get through this, you will have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and you will see what being truly happy feels like, again.


Yeah, I appreciate your input on the topic. Hopefully the accomplishment will come sooner then I expect. Considering my condition and situation, I don't plan on being happy for quite some time.

Took me at least five months, after 4 1/2 years. Takes patience. It sucks, but you will get there. No worries!

Five months isn't that long, considering you were with him for 4 1/2 years. Good for you, you've overcome some pretty tough odds there. Just hoping I can stay strong and do the same.

You will do the same. You will get through this, and you will be happy again. Trust me, I know you will. I was in your position and believe me, I never thought I would be happy again, but time passes and things change.

You will do the same. You will get through this, and you will be happy again. Trust me, I know you will. I was in your position and believe me, I never thought I would be happy again, but time passes and things change.


Good to hear KC, that's what I need to hear. Thank you for your support and believing in me. My parents aren't really affectionate and sympathetic when it comes to personal problems with me. This is a good place to gain some confidence back and look at the situation in a good way.

I am usually not a very sympathetic dude, but I know how much this heart break stuff hurts. Support makes this sucky process better. You will come out of this a totally different person. This website is a great place for guys like you. I came here in October a mess, and now I am sticking around helping others. Paying it forward, so to speak.

Just keep the faith man.I know it is hard, but we are all here for you, and always will be. Keep your head up!

I am usually not a very sympathetic dude, but I know how much this heart break stuff hurts. Support makes this sucky process better. You will come out of this a totally different person. This website is a great place for guys like you. I came here in October a mess, and now I am sticking around helping others. Paying it forward, so to speak.

Just keep the faith man.I know it is hard, but we are all here for you, and always will be. Keep your head up!


Appreciate it man, will do.

I can definitely say, KC was a WRECK when he came here, looking for a quick fix to get his ex back. After giving all our advice no thought, he finally listened to us and hasn't looked back since. I am very proud of the progress he made.

It's good to hear others positive progress throughout the struggle. At the same time, I'm also sorry for the pain and suffering everyone here went through. Feeling like how I am lately, I would never wish this upon someone. Not even my worst enemy.

Quesion:

I understand I need to keep strict NC and think about rebuilding my life according to what makes me a better, happy person.

I sometimes think about my ex doing things to me that were wrong, as I think that's a proper way to view things.

Is that OK to do?

Should I be thinking about other things so I don't stop my process of moving on?

It is only natural to get angry at your ex for things you now see she may have done that weren't very nice. That is part of the grieving process. It also doesn't mean your ex was a bad person. No one is perfect in a relationship. I know I wasn't Mr. Wonderful. So long as you stick to NC things should progress on an even plain.

I see what you're saying. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend either and maybe I should have done some things differently.

I hate to think about what I could've done differently and I think about what if I did this or that... I try to block those 'what ifs'.

You will go crazy thinking about all of the what if's. Chances are, no matter what, this everything would have happened anyway. People who are committed to each other will almost work through anything. So it wasn't the few things you did that may have been bad, it was her and her feelings that changed.

Trust me, if you were that bad of a BF, she would have left a LONG time ago. She just changed and along the way, her feelings for you did too.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Just recognize what you want to change about yourself and don't repeat your mistakes.

At least you know you can maintain a very stable and long term relationship with the right woman.

I can understand completely what you've been going through, I am in the same position over the last 3 weeks.. She dumped me for silly reasons, just because she want to "open her wings, explore the world"... And guess what? We were planning to get married next year!!

You know what's worse? That she gave little to no signals before her decision! Everything happened soooo fast, you can't even imagine! One day telling me HOW MUCH she loved me, that I was her soulmate, the person she'd want to have children with, next day deciding to break up because of a stupid fight & saying "i've had enough", and not even want to listen to me, despite me asking her constantly to work on our relationship!

At least, if she could give me some signals, just to prepare me!

Buddy, you're not alone.. What I learned from my case, is that women tend to be much stronger than men.. Just count the ratio between male/female posters on this forum.. Plain statistics, you'll be surprised..

You know what's worse? That she gave little to no signals before her decision!! Everything happened soooo fast, you can't even imagine !! One day telling me HOW MUCH she loved me, that I was her soulmate, the person she'd want to have children with, next day deciding to break up because of a stupid fight & saying "i've had enough", and not even want to listen to me, despite me asking her constantly to work on our relationship !!

At least, if she could give me some signals, just to prepare me!!

Hi tree, I know EXACTLY what you mean here, I can empathise with you completely mate. My Ex did the same thing. Everything seemed to be fine, we had plans and dreams together, she said she loved me and things were good.

Then out of the blue, BAM "goodbye, I don't want to be with you anymore". I've had the same thoughts, like I wish she could have given more indication so I could mentally prepare myself.

It's the toughest thing I've ever been through so I kind of know the pain you're feeling.

Honestly?

She probably gave LOTS of signals. TONS of them.

I've noticed, though, that you can't give signals to guys. Unless you say it straight out, or bash them upside the head with it, they're not going to see ANY signal most girls would give out.

The problem is that what YOU women consider a signal, in fact is NOTHING compared to what you SHOULD show to your partner.. You expect us to be expert mind readers, and catch even the slightest signal you give.. Whereas what you would have to do is to be much more open, communicative, and be able to express what you don't like in your partner, so he can change it.. What you women do is so unfair.. Why do we always have to tell you what's wrong so you can have the chance to change, whereas you never do the same thing?

Who do you think we are? Sigmund Freud?

Yeah, that's how things were and wound up in the end. Out of the blue, things just happened so fast. No warning, everything was great. I couldn't understand where this came from.

What made it worse was all the faults she was giving me, as if I've been such a horrible person all along. Even when I would try to talk to her about it, she would blow it off and tell me how she's tired of this and that.

She wouldn't let me talk, she was just trying to shut me up and never talk to me again as if I did something horribly wrong to her.

Honestly?

She probably gave LOTS of signals. TONS of them.

I've noticed, though, that you can't give signals to guys. Unless you say it straight out, or bash them upside the head with it, they're not going to see ANY signal most girls would give out.

Well woman SHOULD say it straight out that there's problems then, if the signals aren't getting through. Then work with their partner to try to resolve the issues.

Dropping subtle hints and then just giving up without putting any effort in is just gutless and pathetic.

Yelling "you suck at everything that you used to do to make me happy and if you don't change I'm leaving" isn't exactly very constructive, hmm?

Signals include, but are not limited to:

"Why do we never go out anymore?"
"I miss how we used to be when we were first dating"
"I wish you'd pick up more after yourself"
"Why do I always have to be the one to set up our social calendar?"
"I can't believe you forgot (insert birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day, etc)"
"I wish you'd spend more time with me and less on that video game"
"You work all the time and never make time for me!"

Other signs are a disinterest in sex, a disinterest in taking care of you in any way, and a disinterest in doing anything with your family.

Believe me, most girls DO come right out and say something about what's bothering them. However, due to an argument I had with my husband this weekend, I've realized that men and women really do communicate on different levels. He was mad that I wasn't being appreciative enough of the extra things he's done around the house lately, and I was mad that he wasn't more supportive of the OTHER things I'd been doing lately (we're buying a house, and it's really more time consuming than you'd think). NEITHER of us had any clue WHY the other was mad about it. Neither understood that the other WAS mad about it, until it blew up pretty horribly.

I'd BEEN telling him that I needed him to take up some of the things I usually do (dishes and cooking in particular) and he'd BEEN telling me that he didn't mind doing it, but hated that I was crabby about it if it didn't get done and that I didn't say anything when it DID get done. To me, it was a give and take thing--I didn't have TIME to do those chores plus the house stuff... and he didn't understand why I was mad that he wasn't helping more when *I* was doing all the work to get us into a house.

So... BOTH of us thought we'd been communicating and that the other was just ignoring it.

Can you HONESTLY say that there was absolutely NO change in your girl before she broke up with you? Can you honestly say there wasn't SOMETHING she'd been trying to convey to you that she was unhappy about? Frankly, I'd find it very weird for her to be deliriously happy with you on Wednesday, and breaking it off with you on Thursday with no other signs.

Synnen, I don't know if it's pure coincidence or you're a psycho or something ;);) but you got the days correct: it was a Wednesday when she was saying how much she loved me, and a Thursday when she decided to break up, haha ;)

To be honest, I could see over the last 2-3 weeks that something was bothering her about our relationship.. BUT, I kept on asking: "I can see that there's something bothering you, can you please tell me what's it? Is there any way I can help you?".. One day she was depressed, the other day seemed happy, etc.. :confused::confused:

Signals include, but are not limited to:

"Why do we never go out anymore?" No.
"I miss how we used to be when we were first dating" No.
"I wish you'd pick up more after yourself" No, I already picked up after myself
"Why do I always have to be the one to set up our social calendar?" No.
"I can't believe you forgot (insert birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day, etc)" I didn't forget b'days etc
"I wish you'd spend more time with me and less on that video game" If she had an issue with my leisure activities she never indicated it
"You work all the time and never make time for me!" Again, No

Other signs are a disinterest in sex she liked it more than I did, a disinterest in taking care of you in any way she was very supportive up until the end, and a disinterest in doing anything with your family. We had great relations with each other's families

So errr no, I don't call these things "signals", I call them "her wanting to talk about the problems". This is the issue, if these kind of warning signs were apparent I would have done everything I could to address them. You don't seem to be able to comprehend that none of these things came up.


Believe me, most girls DO come right out and say something about what's bothering them.

Well how lovely that is that most girls do that. Myself (and I believe the other guys in the topic who experienced the same thing) DIDN'T get that, or a chance to work on the issues.



Can you HONESTLY say that there was absolutely NO change in your girl before she broke up with you? Can you honestly say there wasn't SOMETHING she'd been trying to convey to you that she was unhappy about? Frankly, I'd find it very weird for her to be deliriously happy with you on Wednesday, and breaking it off with you on Thursday with no other signs.

The only change was after the night that I suspect she went out and cheated on me.

Frankly, I find it very weird too. Trying to understand it is one of the reasons we post here.

I agree with Synnen, woman do drop these hints. However, they are so subtle and far in between that we don't pick up on them. Women will mention things in passing and then won't bring it up again until much later, all the while we think everything is OK.

Women, unlike men, remember things... EVERYTHING. Small, trivial, unimportant things, that keep building and building until it reaches a point. Then it's out to the curb for you.

It's a point system. +1 point for something good. -2 points for something bad. The problem is, we never get to know the real score!

That is why we get blind sided.

It has NOTHING to do with dropping hints or being subtle or bottling it in.

It has to do with the fact that guys do not communicate the same way that women do.

SHE thinks she's bashing him over the head with a problem, HE thinks she just hinted around it.

The other thing is that (most times) women "discuss" and men "fix". To most men, ONE conversation about something, with a planned resolution, is all that should happen with a problem--and they'll argue THEIR fix to the point where many women are like "whatever, we'll do it your way" then are quietly miserable because they've ALREADY discussed it with you and you haven't budged from your original stance.

I agree with Synnen, a relationship only works with good communication and a lot of compromise. You can't go into a relationship thinking everything is going to be your way, it just isn't logical. Sadly that is a mistake a lot of people make, they go in to the relationship with one vision and that's it. Most problems take more than one discussion to resolve, you have to work towards a resolution together.

That's the thing. You never get your point across assertively enough to get a Neanderthal, like me, to understand how big of an issue it is.

The problem is the "whatever, well do it your way." You give up to easily, because you don't want to hash it out. Before the issue even sinks in, you give up the argument and go along with our way to avoid further argument or discussion on the issue.


ONE conversation about something, with a planned resolution, is all that should happen with a problem

Yeah, because women will never want to continue the discussion later. When we bring it up, its always "I don't want to talk about it right now." You never let us compromise and work it out, when we finally understand the problem. Just as much as you may think we don't listen, women do the same thing, by refusing to listen.

Men are always willing to work with you. You just have to get it through our thick heads and not give up when something is really bothering you. AND, when we think for a while to try and understand WHERE you are coming from, you have to be willing to discuss the issue again when it finally clicks in our head.

See communication ain't so difficult!!

I've managed to work through all of that crap over the last 13 years with my husband.

HOWEVER--we STILL have days when we're on different wavelengths!

It takes WORK to make any relationship work--and I just personally do not believe that ANY relationship ends with NO signs of problems.

I agree. I'm glad we came to a compromise on this situation.

I can sleep good tonight...

Wow... now what do you do if your bf/soon-to-be-ex-bf/ex-bf IS the woman? That is, everything that's been described here about women giving off signals and communication and how they deal with problems... that's what my supposed boyfriend does, that's how he gives off 'signals' and 'communicates'. He's even admitted before to being moodier than any woman. That's why I have no idea if he's broken up with me, or just taking some 'space'. :( Either way... why are people so terrified about saying what they really mean/think? I've always been taught to talk out problems, discuss the issues, everything. How does running away or saying "nothing" or "i don't want to talk about it" solve anything? Because yes, then when a breakup occurs, it hurts so much worse because you couldn't mentally prepare for it. I feel what you guys are going through, that's all I can say. :(

UPDATE:

Today has been a month and I'm still in NC mode. I have come a long way through this and I know I still have ways to go. I never thought I'd last a month without talking to her. I'd just like to thank all of you guys for pointing me in the right direction and helping me with this whole mess.

It's what I've become that I feared the most. But it's been a little easier and I can be thankful for that.

Going for another month, couldn't do it without your support. I love you guys, thank you.

Just read through your thread and I feel your pain. 9 years would probably kill me. I'm suffering over a year and a half relationship.

I had the same issue about "not going out much" and the utter lack of communication on her part. She acted as though she asked to go out to dinner every night and I refused. We'd hang out, get food, watch movies, and suddenly I'm told I was supposed to be doing other things?

I also go crazy with all the "what ifs", why didn't I get the idea to take her out to dinner that last week, maybe I would have saved everything.

But there are many smart replies posted in this thread. People who are committed to each other make it through no matter what. That's what I tried telling my GF before No Contact, other people get through cheating, abuse, other people go to counseling if they can't fix it alone, yet I'm not worth another chance? She just isn't committed.

I will try to stay tough, if you can handle 9 years I guess I have to be a man and handle 1.5.

That's what it was all along, just lack of commitment. I was willing to do anything to change our relationship for the better, while she just sat there waiting for something to happen that benefited her.

Still, it takes two people to be in a relationship and I see more and more everyday that she didn't want to put effort. I guess I could have only done so much before she decided to leave. It hurts, but there's nothing I can do but try to move on.

It takes two people to succeed and two people to fail. Don't blame it all on yourself. With commitment and communication, anything is possible. Obviously if a relationship fails, one of those two things wasn't happening.

Maybe we messed up by not taking our ladies out enough, but they failed too by playing the "read my mind" game instead of sitting down and saying they'd like to go out more often.

She told me she deserves better and I said "yes you do, but you will never get what you want until you learn to ask for it".

A person who tells you they deserve better shows how they'd treat you. My ex never said that but she left me so I'm guessing she thought that much.

You don't deserve that man, saying something like that is shallow and arrogant.

Update:

It's been well over a month now and things are getting a LITTLE bit easier then before. I still wish she was with me and that she would talk to me, but I know what I have to do for myself and what's healthy for both of us.

Today I was going through my emails and just doing some random filtering and caught some of her emails to me from before she left. It hit me pretty hard, started to feel weak and shaky, almost brought me back to day one.


... you know, I haven't even gone through my pictures and I have a ton of them... probably going to have a friend go through everything and delete most of them.

*sigh* Slow progress is painful, God help me.

Delete the pics and delete the emails... throw away things that remind you of her. Simple truth: she is dead to you now. Act like it.

Slow progress is painful, but no progress is flat out dreadful. A month isn't very long. Decent progress won't me made in a month, especially after 9 years. I wish it was that easy.

Today I was having an OK day, still hurts, still has an impact on everything I do, still struggling with my situation but trying to make the best of it.

Out of nowhere, an employee at work was saying something about myspace and how he's talking to girls and whatnot. He mentions he saw my ex on there, which she didn't have before... and apparently, she's had it for a while now, right after the breakup, if not before.

My whole world sunk again, started to lose my mind, felt weak, started thinking and being so depressed about the fact that she has moved on so fast and I'm here trying to stay alive day by day.

I mean, she has a f*ing myspace and is having a good time with the breakup while I'm here, trying to bust my @$$ at work, trying to move on the best way I can, telling myself that my life isn't over yet... and she's having the greatest f*ing time of her life right now.

GOD! I HATE THIS!

Hang in there guy as you will get through this glitch. You have been giving some great advice since you have been here so keep it up. Your closer to the end of the tunnel than you think. Keep pushing yourself down that path.

Give me some insights on this, if you would please:


I have found out about her myspace and it freakin' sucks so much right now... is that a good thing or bad thing..

Maybe good like finding out now and getting the pain over with? Kind of like pulling the band-aid off quickly?

Give me some insights on this, if you would please:


I have found out about her myspace and it freakin' sucks so much right now...is that a good thing or bad thing..?

Maybe good like finding out now and getting the pain over with? Kind of like pulling the band-aid off quickly?

It's OK to look at things like myspace or Facebook once, a lot of people slip up and that one click can set you back, whether it's seeing a comment from some guy she talks to or a tiny picture of her with someone else. My advice is to try your hardest to avoid ever seeing her page again.

I think the obvious problem with breakups is that people force it into their minds that no-one will love them the same way, or they don't want to restart a new relationship with someone new because it won't be as good or will take so long, but stay positive man. Like 98% of the people on this board I'm in a bad situation like you, keep your head up and just tell yourself crying over some girl that doesn't like you IS pathetic as you said in one of your earlier posts. Tell yourself a girl cannot have this much power over you, there will be others, and most likely one that WILL talk problems out with you instead of just walking out.

Better to never find out ever, I guess, but sometimes it's just bad luck too =(.

What I try to do is tell myself over and over again that it doesn't matter now because she's out of my life and there's no point in worrying/thinking about her life when mine's sitting right here in front of me. I don't always believe myself, but I keep repeating it anyway...

Just definitely don't look at it, keep on the course, and know that this is just a bump in the road. Everybody's right - you have come a long way. Hell, just by reading through your thread right now, I feel a little better about myself too (about a month and a half here). Camaraderie, I guess. We'll make it...

If it helps any, I had a similar situation in my beginning. My ex really liked this brand 'lesportsac'. Had bags, backpacks, bought me one, and when we'd go out I'd usually wear the backpack. Saw on Facebook a picture, she had gone to visit her ex-bf (other than me... ), and there he is wearing her backpack! It's like I just got replaced, and there she is smiling...

Ugh. Sorry. Maybe it's best to not dwell.. It's just so easy for my thoughts to just careen away. I guess the moral is: don't go looking at pictures!

This is just one of those bumps we all hit along the way. Try not to let it eat at you. Contiue what you have been doing to get over her, and do you best to forget about it or let it go.

This is definitely a bump, a big one. I was moving along at a pretty good speed. Before I found this out, I was starting to work harder at my job, I even started to eat like a pig. Just the other day, I ate way more then what I've eaten in a while and I was thinking to myself, maybe things are starting to get better sooner then I thought... then BAM!

Can't eat as much anymore, thoughts wander, scenarios pop into my head. Usually, I always listen to my iPod at work and I've discovered that not listening to it helps out. I'm not going to wear those for a while now. *sigh*

AJ I have myspace and Facebook. I rarely go to either. In fact, I have myspace because a friend set it up for me about 5 years ago so we could keep in contact, and I asked her, "why can't we just email or use the phone?" She is my number two friend, behind Tom of course, and I haven't spoken to her in at least a year. I set up Facebook and have used it probably 10 times or less in 2 years. The point is anybody can have it and it doesn't mean anything about moving on. You could go get myspace right now. It's just a website.

The point I'm trying to make is you are giving too much meaning to her actions and not enough to yours. You have gone over a month of NC. After 9 years that means something. That is progress that is positive for you and you hold onto it. You've learned how tough you are, and it's tougher then you ever gave yourself credit for. That means something. You learned that you can depend on yourself and not her. That means something. You have established some and set up some guidelines for yourself and followed them in a deeply emotional time. That means something. This is your time, and these are your improvements and they mean something so start recognizing them and hold onto them, and quit demeaning them or ignoring them.

You have a inner strength that is peeking around a corner but is afraid of all the negative you keep feeding it. It's coming out at some point. You have the ability to make it sooner rather then later but you have to start worrying less about her and start recognizing how far you've come in a short time and looking at the positives of your situation (and they are there) and bring your focus to them and ignore the negatives.

This is definitely a bump, a big one. I was moving along at a pretty good speed. Before I found this out, I was starting to work harder at my job, I even started to eat like a pig.

Please don't get physically unhealthy over a girl. If anything get a gym membership and focus on eating healthy. You'll start to love yourself for it.

Just the other day, I ate way more then what I've eaten in a while and I was thinking to myself, maybe things are starting to get better sooner then I thought... then BAM!


Usually, I always listen to my ipod at work and I've discovered that not listening to it helps out. I'm not going to wear those for a while now.

Sometimes changing little behaviors signifies changes in your life. You would think things like this would be unrelated, but wearing the iPod was something you did back then. Now things are different. Plus, songs can remind of people and the lyrics can remind you of an ex. I have found myself after a break up I listen to talk radio for awhile because somehow the lyrics in every single song always make me think of the girl I just broke up with. That goes away after a while. I still have to listen to rock at the gym, because I need something to pump me up and people talking doesn't do it.

Hello,
I am Jesse, i saw your profile today at (askmehelpdesk.com) i become interested to community with you to make an everlasting relationship which will build love and trust between us. contact me with my email address thus; ([email protected]).I will send you my picture for you to know whom i am. waiting to hear from you soonest.
Thanks yours,
Jesse...([email protected])

Look at that AJ. Jesse is interested in you to make everlasting relationship which will build love and trust. I bet she's a model. In fact I'll find out I'm emailing her.

You're really strong. I wouldn't be able to do this. Keep up the great work

I appreciate it guys, thank you for your support. Chuff, I never thought of it like that, one more week is the 2 month mark. That's a really long time considering all the crap I was going through.

I really hope to come out with my inner strength sooner rather than later, so I'm trying to make everyday the best one I can. Again, thanks a lot guys.