I am having real issues with my daughter-in-law. She will do things, when my son is not around, and when I react she runs to him and tells him "I don't know why she go so excited". I have tried not to react but I can only go so long. Recently when I did she admitted to me, without my son present, that she had been short with me for the past 3 months. Yesterday, we had an 80th BD party for my mother, which had been planned for months, at the very last moment they decided not to go and I know that it was done to hurt me. I had said that a photographer would be there and I wanted family pictures taken, well I have part of my family in the picture and I doubt my mother will ever have another party will so many of the family present, some came clear across the US to be there. I want to totally stay away but honestly EVERY time we get together some is said or done, but I have 2 grandchildren whom I love dearly and the parents know that and will use them. What do I do??

I am wondering if it my be some YOU DO? Do you butt into her business?

Why not just stay out of her business? Worry about yourself.

Keep it only a friendly term, but don't worry about her.

Sometimes you blame other people when the problem is really you.

I would have to say there is something that you are doing that is rubbing her the wrong way. Maybe you are unaware of even doing it. I do feel it was wrong for them to miss the BD party - that will cause some animosity on your part.

I would keep it on just a friendly note. If you disagree with something she is doing, you need to just let it go w/o running to your son. He will find out soon enough.

It would also be wrong for her to use the grandchildren against you, the kids are the helpless ones in this sort of situation.

Good luck.

As a daughhter in law, I know the problems one can have with extended family and I feel for you. I had serious trust issues with my mother in law when she lived in our home. My things were disappearing. Little things, make-up, scarfs, perfume, bras (yeah, I know). The kid's things were disappearing. After a few months of this, I had a suspicion and confirmed it when I found all these missing things in her room. In her drawers, in bags and boxes under her bed, hidden. I tried to repair it by taking her shopping, I thought if she had her own stuff she'd leave mine alone. I would buy two of everything and give her one, but it didn't help. I finally decided to talk to her about it, she said she had no idea what I was talking about and became very defensive and offensive. It got to the point where I took it upon myself to find her a seniors apartment she could afford. She denied everything and since I was pregnant with my son, my husband pretty much chalked it up to being hormonal. It wasn't until he was helping her move her things in that he saw quite a few of my things in her boxes. When he asked her about them, she had no answer and just claimed ignorance, said she had no idea how they got into her boxes. When she crossed the line and suggested that maybe I had put them in there to "frame" her, that's when my husband realized that I had not only been telling the truth but I didn't exaggerate it bit. She refused to take responsibility in anyway or form. She was gone around 4 months when she began coming around again, she never admitted what she did.

She is very sick with diabetes and kidney failure, goes to dialysis 3 times a week. I chose to put it behind me even though I still feel the same way, I choose to behave differently. I am very hospitable and welcoming when she comes over. I do lots of little things for her for my husband and children's sake. We both know that she will never change. I told my husband that I will continue making these efforts as long as she never hurts my children by insinuating that I'm the bad guy or tries to hurt our marriage by butting in. The day that happens, she will never be welcome in our home.

I didn't mean to make this about me, what I meant to do was show you that because your daughter in law seems to be rather cunning, your options are limited. Talk to her and without accusing or being defensive, tell her what you feel. Tell her that you love her because she is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchildren. Tell her that you would like to work things out. If that doesn't work, than know that she will probably never change. Be nice to her for your grandkids sake. You don't have to like her, just be polite. Don't go to your son, he knows who and what she is and is choosing to ignore it. When she starts being short with you, get your purse and go home, you don't need to stick around for that kind of treatment. Also, really analyze yourself and make sure that none of your actions are prompting this behavior. I know it's hard to do, but its always a possibility that you could be you that is taking things a little too personally. Good luck.

I can relate even though I'm no father and no husband. My brother and his wife are very similar.
My sister in law just thinks she knows everything about being a mother, wife etc. Mt brother is the same for that matter.
She forgets my mum has been doing it for 35 years and might be able to help out just a little.
Mum doesn't butt in but she tries to offer help if it is needed.Nothing but good intention and love from a beautiful lady that she is.
But my brother wife is too pig headed to accept it.
It upsets mum and dad but they have just learnt to really back off. Don't do anything in anyway that may upset them.
They put no pressue at all on them now to do things as part of our family. They offer / invite them and say it would be really nice if they were there but they don't hassle them at all. The ball is totally in their court. Which is sad because it means mum and dad don't get to see their grand children as much as they would like. And the great grandparents who would love to spend their last days seeing the youngest members of their family as much as possibel see them even yes. That hurts me as a considerate son and gradnson but I have no control over it. It is totally up to my bro and his wife unfortunately.

They are good people my bro and his wife but they are just young parents who at the moment think they know everything.

It isn't necasarily your fault but try and back off and offer love to your grandchildren, and them, but the less pressure the better even if you only mean well!

You didn't provide too many specifics about the problem your daughter-in-law seems to have with you. Without more information it's hard to give you a definitive answer. Frankly I'm not sure there's much you really can do at this point. It sounds like the ball's more in your son's court right now. He needs to take a stand with his wife and insist that she stop being childish and give you and your family the respect you deserve. She might not like it at first but I think she'll eventually come around. I think that's your best option at this point.

My wife and I personally try to stay out of our children's lives except when it comes to the grand children. If they want to talk or ask advice fine ,but otherwise we leave their personal business alone.