This is a more detailed overview of my situation than I originally intended to post (sorry it's a bit long but would appreciate any thoughts or views anyone has at all)

I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years, We were both 19 when we started to go out and it all seemed so right. Both each others first love, we thought that we would be together forever! I moved the city after about 6 months of being together and she came with me. After living in various different places we moved in to a flat share with another couple, (my sister and her boyfriend). It was all going well, I had finished Uni with the best grade I could get but had trouble finding a Job when I finished. This is when things started to go downhill. We started to smoke a lot of weed (I mean most of the time) it became a bit of an addiction but I think as our lives became more focused on getting more stuff to smoke, we used to forget about our issues with the relationship! It demotivated us both and everything started to slip away. I had no motivation to put any effort into my own life or our relationship but couldn't see it happening and she just got more stoned waiting for me to do something about it.

3 1/2 months ago, after a weekend of almost silence and no communication she decided to leave (very upset) and went to stay with a relative that lived close. For the first month we talked openly about what we thought went wrong with 'us' through various lengthy e-mails and upset phone calls. She even came round to see me occasionally and stayed over, it was like nothing had happened! I never mentioned anything about her leaving and was constantly waiting for her to say something but never did! Eventually I got the call, she said that nothing had changed and she was still confused! I said I felt used and that I couldn't be there for her anymore because it made me feel that way. We both decided to take various steps that lead to no contact, cut off friends on Facebook, no Skype, deleted numbers etc. Slowly communication began to open up again after about 3-4 weeks of nothing. Every form of communication was cold, not even much friendliness or light heartedness to anything that was said (usually a practical request i.e. can you get me something I left at the flat). Obviously I returned my messages and calls in the same manner. Eventually I asked if we could meet to 'catch up'. We did meet and had a good time it was pleasant but found some awkward moments when I maybe pushed to far when trying to workout what boundaries we have now. (I kick myself for that)

After e-mailing her to see how she was doing and how the weekend was I got no answer followed by an e-mail that evening saying how we shouldn't see each other for a while because she doesn't want to give me any 'hope' of anything between us! I explained that I wasn't looking for anything to happen just thought that we still get along well. She maintained her view that nothing had changed and she is enjoying her life and not having to answer to anyone.

This is where I am at the moment! Not talking, apart from the odd e-mail arranging for our flat to be taken on by new people. (she still pays her half of the rent). Her Job of 3 years is coming to an end and she has a lot on her plate at the moment, looking for a new career and deciding where to live, feels bad that she wants to go through all this without me to help her.

I think I know the answers to all my questions but I still love her, I realise I should just let go. This is the contradiction that keeps my stomach tied in knots and all my instincts ask why did she give up? How could she give up? Its like my head doesn't realise it was because she didn't want to be with me anymore. I know that she still loved me (at least at the time of the break-up, haven't spoke about feelings for a while now) but didn't understand that a relationship needs more than just the 'L' word to survive + I now realise how needy I had become but also couldn't see it. Wish I could have understood that without a devastating break-up. I can't help but think about whether us not seeing each other is for her benefit also as she is trying to let go but finds it hard? I can't stop trying to guess what she really feels or thinks and it drives me insane. I try to tell myself that I'm not living in the hope that she will realise that 'we' are worth another try, but I think I'm in denial. If that happened I'm not going to say I wouldn't be happy because in all honesty, I would be ecstatic! I guess my real question is, will us not contacting each other starting now (3 1/2 months after the break-up) make her miss me even though it has now been 3 1/2 months since it happened?

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated, thanks.

Let me start by saying that I feel your pain. My situation was kind of similar - I wish I had realized numerous mistakes on my part, because I was oblivious to them for 3 years, she hadn't told me about them until she was ready to leave, and having started to improve myself it was too late and wasn't enough for her. It's extremely hard, doesn't seem to make sense, and can hurt you terribly.

With that said, don't kick yourself over it too much or for trying too hard to get her back. And don't even try to answer the questions of why she gave up - odds are there aren't any rational answers that'll make you feel better, only more things to make you feel inadequate. I know that's easier said than done. Know that feeling where you know in your heart you'd never make the same mistakes that drove her away? I don't mean to be harsh, but when you're able to let go and transfer that feeling into not making the same mistakes in a future relationship, you'll feel better and have bettered yourself as a person.

It is funny how realising your mistakes just makes you want to give it another go even more. I start to think that I won't make them again but by then its too late because in her mind, things will never change! What a nightmare. I keep thinking that after 3 1/2 months of splitting up, there is no chance we can get back together because it has gone too far. Its strange because it seems like couples either get back either within the first month or so, or after that its more like years or in most cases, not at all!

It's just a sign of how much you care about them and that you're still devoted to the relationship. Seems like usually they don't care whatsoever about the mistakes they made.

Just wanted to add to my own post because since my original post and reading the vast amount that is on this site I kind of realise that all this pain that I'm reading and felt myself is so so so unnecessary. I understand it is perhaps a requirement of the process of 'moving on' but once you start to feel as though you are moving on it all seems so inconsequential.

Why be so unhappy when in the grand scheme of things it means so little. I'm not trying to demean anyone's posts by saying that how people feel doesn't matter but I think all of us people who have been dumped on will all come to the conclusion that it was their loss! Find peace with that conclusion and actually begin to believe in themselves again. Become the secure INDIVIDUAL! You once were, the individual that got you that partner in the first place. How much did you care when you first got together compared to how much you care to get them back? Seems like if I cared as much as I did getting her in the first place as I did getting her back, she would have run a mile thinking I was some kind of psycho!

I've realised that I'm not the kind of person who displays these 'psycho' qualities and how could ANY person make me be like that? Don't give them that power! Be yourself, be who you are.

(I don't mean a literal psycho by the way. Just the constant txt, e-mail, general needy stalky behavior that we all feel compelled to do!)

You turned that around fast, and glad you realize there is a lot of life yet to live.

Thanks, there's a point when all the advice and help from people just all seems to slowly come together and you realise that they are right! There is life after your ex!

Thanks, there's a point when all the advice and help from people just all seems to slowly come together and you realise that they are right! there is life after your ex!

Damn straight there is!! Sometimes it takes a little longer to figure that out but life is full of opportunities, mystery and things you don't expect happens. There will always be something better out there. Who knows where life will take you =P