It's the first time I talk about this and get real because I realised It's getting worse not better... so bear with me here OK


I used to live in Saudi arabia when I was a kid,and when I turned 7 my school closed down so I had to move back to my home country. My parents sent me to my aunt's since my school was near by. I had trouble with lessons so my aunt asked the family friend who was a math teacher to tutor me in math.

She would take me to this kid's house and we'd take the lesson there... after a couple of lessons he started touching me (the math teach aka family friend) underneath the table
Then started pulling out his penis and forcing me to touch him... all this while 3 other kids (boys) were at the same table... no one ever noticed a thing
I was really so scared of telling anyone so I decided I'd tell my mother
She called the same day and I told her on the phone crying... she told my aunt and they talked for hours and then she called me again and called me a liar and told me to stop making up stories like that. My aunt was really harsh and slapped me on the face and told me she wasn't going to help me with my lessons ever again.

After that I only saw him and family gatherings and he's smile at me like he knew no one believed me.
I started studying on my own and I got really low marks although I was a straight A student...

I never had a good relationship with my father... he was tough and often beat me up... I wasn't a trouble maker I was the peaceful type. Anyway... so my aunt's husband started treating me as his own daughter and always talked to me if I was feeling homesick or had trouble with lessons or anything...

Then it all started going in a different direction, he started hugging me strangely and kissing me more often... touching my hands
At first I thought it's normal... and never said a thing... then he started doing stuff
He would ask me to rub his neck for him or to wake him up

I remember the first incident... my aunt was out and he was sleeping in his room, I was alone in the house with him, after a while he called me and asked me to fix him a cup of tea... so I did and took it to his room he then grabbed me and started kissing me all over my body... and started rubbing his parts on me (clothes on)

I felt disgusted and cried the whole night... my mom wasn't going to call until the end of the week so I had to stay all week until I could tell her. I then decided I wouldn't tell her anything since she never believed me the first time... and I knew that I did tell I would be in real trouble... I had no one beside me back then.

It went on until I was 10... then he started going to the next level... one day he waited until my aunt went to work then woke me up before school, tore my clothes off... I started screaming so he slapped me on my face... then started inserting his finger inside me...
I cried so hard... whenever I cried he slapped me telling me to shut up...
Then he made me give him a blow job. Got me ready for school and drove me there... before I went he told me that even If I told anyone about this no one was to ever believe me... and that he only did this out of love

I turned 11 things stayed as they were... If my aunt didn't go to work one day he would do it in the car...

When I turned 12 I decided I would tell my mom again about the math teacher, so that if she believed me I would tell her about my aunt's husband... and she never even gave me a chance to talk... she stopped calling for 3 months
I called her and told her I'm sorry that I lie too much and that I just miss her.

He found out I told my mom about the math teacher again so decided I needed punishment... that was a night I never forgot... he came into my room at night and undressed me... beat me up with a wooden ruler then threw me on the bed and fingered me from behind...
He pulled my hair and pinched my arm so hard... and told me that if I ever talked about that thing again he would kill me...

The next morning I had bruises all over my body... I couldn't wear my t-shirt so I wore a sleeved shirt instead

Finally when I was 14 he decided I was old enough for sex so he thought he would give me lessons about it... he bought a porn dvd and made me sit and watched it and told me that he would do what they were doing in the vid.
He never went through with it... just because if I wasn't a virgin everyone would find out I was telling the truth

I told my grandmother about everything one night... she promised me she would take care of everything and that I should've told her sooner... that same night she died.

After she died my parents decided they would live here and won't go back to Saudi arabia... I moved in with them... and my aunt's husband would visit every weekend... he never touched me since I moved back with my parents so I told my mom about it
I left out all details... I just told her mom I was sexually abused by...
She cried and didn't talk to me for so long, although she finally believed me
She called him and asked him to come visit us because she wanted to talk about something... and asked him if I was said was true... he kept saying no until she called me and asked me to ask him if it was true... he said yes he did... the only thing she did was slap him and let him go.

I'm 21 now...
My mom and I are best friends today... we never speak of what happened... and I don't want to talk about it with her...
She's a good mother by the way

I never told my dad because he would blame me...

Lately I have become a more angry person... impatient, and moody
I don't know what to do... I don't sleep well and cry a lot... I know a big part of it is my fault... but how can I move on... I can't see a counsellor I live in Egypt and there is no such thing as a sexual abuse therapist or any thing for that matter

.. .

This isn't considered rape right?
And what do you think I should do to feel better?
Sorry for the too much babbling...

Thanks in advance for all your answers...

It has been a terribly unjust journey for you, only to survive and not have the resources you need, available to help.

You must know that none of this was your 'fault' by any reasoning. You were the victim of predators, who sexually, emotionally and physically abused you. None of this was created by you, or caused by you.

The guilt and confusion that you are left to live with needs to be understood so you can manage these feelings you have of anger, impatience and mood swings. You are still suffering the consequences of others' actions, done to you, without your consent or control.

This will affect your life in many ways as you are probably learning now.

I realize that it is not something that can be handled the same way as it is in other countries, as far as bringing charges against the criminals that abused you.

If you are near a University, see what resources are available to women there. Look online for support groups, of which there are many. Visit your family doctor for assistance with anything he can recommend.

In the meantime, this might be worth checking out-

Saudi Arabia Meetup Groups - Sexual Assault Support Meetups (http://sexassault.meetup.com/cities/sa/)

I wish with all my heart that I could help you more, and I'm hoping that others will offer some suggestions. You were brave to write your story, and I appreciate that it must have been very difficult for you to do.

Please post again with your progress.