To give a little background. My ex and I dated for about 6 months and have been broken up for about 2 months. She started dating another guy about a month ago.

Before she and I met she was hanging out with this guy a lot and told me that she had feelings for him before I came into the picture. She chose me over him and we began dating. Occasionally he would text her, which of course I wasn't a big fan of but she insisted that their relationship was merely on a friendship level. I know they hung out a few times with a group of friends and I do not believe that any cheating was involved. We had a great relationship and had a lot of great memories. Although her new relationship worries me, he seems like a good guy and is treating her well. However, I have a lot more to offer her esp. as far as a future goes.

Her parents have both expressed to me that they do not wish to meet her new boyfriend and want she and I to be together. They see him as a rebound and have given me the advice to just hang in there and be patient. I do realize that in the end she has to want to be me with not her parents. I tend o agree about the rebound aspect but she did have feelings for him before so I don't know what to think. I over analyze things a lot and try to rationalize everything she does/says as this new relationship being a rebound. I think its pretty obvious that she still cares and has feelings but why is she hiding them? She knows how I feel why is she doing this?

Our breakup was somewhat mutual. I felt like she needed to be making steps in her life, school and career wise and with her physical health (her parents agree). She understood my concerns but it may have been seen as me saying she wasn't good enough (not the case). I just want her to be the best she can possibly be. I will admit that from my end I was not being the best boyfriend I could. I was def. lacking in the showing I cared, loving aspect of the relationship. I do not feel as if I treated her badly but there was room for improvement. You can say things all you want but you need to back up what you say with actions. I've learned from my mistakes and losing her. Now I'm ready to show what I have learned and improve the relationship we once had.

For a few days after the break up she wanted to get back together, which I had no idea. A week or so later I was starting to regret our decision to break up but she informed me that her feelings towards me had changed and she wanted to see where things went with the other guy. I proceeded to push getting back together too far, calling, text, surprising with flowers etc. There were several things done on her end that lead me on but basically I pushed her into the new guy's arms. It got to the point where she was just being hateful and saying anything she could to hurt me. Of course all I hear about her new relationship is how happy she is and how good he makes her feel. It really hurts to see her with another guy.

We didn't speak for a week until she called one night and wanted to apologize for the way she had been treating me and to let me know that I am still in her heart and she doesn't want to hurt me. We spoke a few days later when she called me crying about problems at home. She had called friends and her new boyfriend but they couldn't talk. The next time we talked was about a week lated when she called to ask about a race I had run in. In the conversation she mentioned that her new boyfriend was out of town that night and said she didn't have plans. She agreed to go out with me and a group of my friends. The next day t I learned her boyfriend had come back into town and she opted to hang out with him instead. We had a nice casual conversation through text messages the next two days but I have not heard from her for a about a week now.


I wish I had done the NC thing a long time ago. Have I messed up too many times? Where do I take things now? NC? LC? If she calls or text do I even answer? Should we hang out if she bring it up again? I don't think contacting her is a good move, she needs to do the chasing now, right? Does she still have feelings for me? Being patient is so difficult, is there anything I can do?

Any answer to my questions or advice for the future is much appreciated.

Run4,

You have the right instinct: give her room. Let her come to you. She has to go through her process with him and decide that they are done. She's not getting what she needs from him, so she's knocking on your door (or maybe bedroom window) but she's playing both of you just a little. She's being sloppy.

Be a good friend. Listen and understand her, but don't let her cheat on him with you. If she breaks it off, you can reconnect. She's got to grow up some, to build her integrity; you can grow with her.

If she doesn't step up to a healthy relationship with you, let her go. Take a long run and leave this episode in your life somewhere forgotten on the path.

Thanks for the answer. At least I'm on the right track now. What do I need to do when she comes "knocking"?

My instinct is to not answer the next time or two she tries to get into contact. When we do talk keep things short and make sure that I am the one leaving the conversation because "I have something to do". I don't want to make myself available to her as I have previously. Don't want to seem needy and desperate for her attention. Should we hang out if it comes up? When does it begin to be okay for me to contact her occasionally?





Run4,

You have the right instinct: give her room. Let her come to you. She has to go through her process with him and decide that they are done. She's not getting what she needs from him, so she's knocking on your door (or maybe bedroom window) but she's playing both of you just a little. She's being sloppy.

Be a good friend. Listen and understand her, but don't let her cheat on him with you. If she breaks it off, you can reconnect. She's got to grow up some, to build her integrity; you can grow with her.

If she doesn't step up to a healthy relationship with you, let her go. Take a long run and leave this episode in your life somewhere forgotten on the path.

Thanks for the answer. At least I'm on the right track now. What do I need to do when she comes "knocking"?

My instinct is to not answer the next time or two she tries to get into contact. When we do talk keep things short and make sure that I am the one leaving the conversation because "I have something to do". I don't want to make myself available to her as I have previously. Don't want to seem needy and desperate for her attention. Should we hang out if it comes up? When does it begin to be okay for me to contact her occasionally?

I would be less available, but would answer if she calls. I would listen to her and be a true friend, but if it might result in sleeping together or even making out, would not hang out with her until she comes to closure with the other guy. You don't want to build a future relationship on her betraying him; that would indicate that she can do the same to you. I suspect that she hasn't figured this out yet.

Occasional contact from you becomes OK when she is a free agent. Otherwise, keep letting go.

Sorry dude, but you are her safety net. She knows that you will hang around and wait for her while she experiments with the new guy. So she will just do the bear minimum to keep you around. If it seems like you're drifting away, she'll give you a call and pull you back in.

Even if she breaks up with this guy one day and gets back with you, how do you know she won't break up with you again to experiment with another guy? This is a vicious cycle and I suggest that you stay away and move on.

From what you told us, it seems like she offers very little in your relationship anyway. She has trouble with school, career, emotional stability. If she can't help herself, how can she help you?

Again, you need to stop being her back up / safety net. You need to move on with your life.

Hmmmm... Seems like you both have conflicting advice. Is it possible to find a place in between the two. You are right about me being her safety net and I don't want to be in that position. I don't want to be completely available to her, but I don't want to completely walk away from a future relationship with her just yet. Is there a middle ground of removing my safety net status without completely eliminating her from my life?

Hmmmm.... Seems like you both have conflicting advice. Is it possible to find a place in between the two. You are right about me being her safety net and I don't want to be in that position. I don't want to be completely available to her, but I don't want to completely walk away from a future relationship with her just yet. Is there a middle ground of removing my safety net status without completely eliminating her from my life?

Yes there is. Tell her straight up. Tell her that you don't want to be her safety net and that you want a relationship with her, otherwise you will move on with your life.

If she has any feelings for you, she will break up with her current boyfriend, be single for a while to decide what she wants. If she has deeper feelings for you, she will end up with you.

If she continues to be with her current boyfriend, despite telling her how you feel, then you know that you can move on.

Hmmmm.... Seems like you both have conflicting advice. Is it possible to find a place in between the two. You are right about me being her safety net and I don't want to be in that position. I don't want to be completely available to her, but I don't want to completely walk away from a future relationship with her just yet. Is there a middle ground of removing my safety net status without completely eliminating her from my life?

For the most part, I agree with IWish. Don't be available if you think she's playing you. If you do talk with her, make your position clear: you want a relationship but are not going to stand around waiting while she leads both of you on. If she really cares for you, she'll separate herself, regroup, and reach out to you.

Where our advice differs, I'm keying in on some things you said:

"I will admit that from my end I was not being the best bf I could. I was def. lacking in the showing I cared, loving aspect of the relationship. I do not feel as if I treated her badly but there was room for improvement."

And

"... basically I pushed her into the new guy's arms... "

You have some responsibility for the state of things. She's operating in a context that the two of you created. I'd judge her less, be less prone to bail, and, while respecting my own integrity, give her more room to figure herself out.

"I felt like she needed to be making steps in her life, school and career wise and with her physical health"

I don't see what IWish sees about her having trouble in these areas. I interpret these as being your concerns that made you back off.

That said, you have an adventure of the heart in progress. Whatever happens, you'll know yourself better. Personally, I hope it works out.

Taopir, you make some good points.

I'm just taking the more cautious approach. Whether she did it intentionally or not, she's been messing with your mind because of her own confusion. You either be patient, wait it out and be her safety net. Or you take charge and stand up for yourself.

I am going to just stay away for a while. I will not contact her, if she tries to contact me I will no respond until I start getting messages asking what is wrong or why I won't talk to her.
Then my response will simply be to ask her why she is calling/txt. The conversation will probably then turn into how she wants to have me in around as a friend. I can't be in that position, its not fair to me and I deserve better than that. She knows how I feel about her, she can't string me along and expect me to wait around and just be there for her. I'm not going to help her through the bad times for him and let him enjoy all the good times. She is with him now, he is the one who she has to rely on. Hopefully, this will get the wheels turning a little for her.

I want to stay away before we have this conversation so she will miss me. Then it will hit home a little better. If she is going to rely on me then I am the one she needs to be with, otherwise I need to remove myself from the situation and let their relationship's true colors come through.

For the life of me I cannot understand what would compel someone to want to be Option "B" to another person... ain't no woman on this Earth good enough to treat me like that.

You need to cut her out of your life. She made her bed, she can lay in it... and start to realize, yourself, that you are simply an option to her, not a priority.

Had to spread the rep, but KC is absolutely right. You hanging around hoping for more is pretty pathetic, and your letting her fill you with false hope, BUT...

I need to remove myself from the situation and let their relationship's true colors come through.
You have your solution right there in front of you.

Cut contact with her, and get a healthy, happy life that you enjoy, without her in it!

That's basically what I'm going to do cut contact, work on myself and get my head right. She can do her thing. Once she realizes I'm gone she'll miss me. When their relationship fails she will call me. Then the ball will be in my court.

Thats basically what I'm going to do cut contact, work on my self and get my head right. She can do her thing. Once she realizes I'm gone she'll miss me. When their relationship fails she will call me. Then the ball will be in my court.

You got to stop worrying about what she's going to feel or do. Just spend time recovering from this. It doesn't matter if she looks for you or not, if you haven't healed yet, you shouldn't be talking to her.