I filed for sole custody of my son. Me and the father have never married. The reason I did it was he has been planning to move out of state. Our relationship has been rocky for the past 4 years. After he got served he was upset and hurt. Is it possible to take back what I filed before he has to file a response? I would much rather work it out between us instead of getting the courts involved.

Someone has to have custody. If he moves out of state, you want to have your son live with you, right? I'm guessing that the father is "hurt" and "upset" because this filing interferes with his own plans and he is trying to manipulate you into not making this custody legal.

It is more important for your son to have a settled situation that for you to protect this guy from the natural consequences of having children.

Sole custody gives you all important protection. Don't throw it away to make some guy happy who may not have your son's best interests at heart.

Did you file for residential custody of your son (joint custody but he lives with you) or sole custody - no involvement by the father?

I filed for Sole custody. Is it possible to still have Joint Custody and I have Physical Custody?

Did you file for residential custody of your son (joint custody but he lives with you) or sole custody - no involvement by the father?

I filed for sole custody. I don't know if it is possible to have joint custody and me have physical custody. He honestly thinks we should have Joint Custody and share our son 6 months every year. Because he is in school I know this is not reasonable. Me and the father do not live together and I have handled all my son's schooling. I know my son staying with me is in the best interest. He will be secure. His father moving out of state with a new job and no family would not be good for our son. He currently goes to a special preschool for kids with disabilities. After asking him who would care for him while he works he thinks him going to school would take care of the babysitting situation. Your quote about what's in a man's soul is how he treats his dog is great!

I filed for sole custody. I don't know if it is possible to have joint custody and me have physical custody. He honestly thinks we should have Joint Custody and share our son 6 months every year. Because he is in school I know this is not reasonable. Me and the father do not live together and I have handled all my son's schooling. I know my son staying with me is in the best interest. He will be secure. His father moving out of state with a new job and no family would not be good for our son. He currently goes to a special preschool for kids with disabilities. After asking him who would care for him while he works he thinks him going to school would take care of the babysitting situation. Your quote about what's in a man's soul is how he treats his dog is great!

You can always dismiss a case before the other party files a response. So if you want to drop the case you can easily do that. Once a response is file, however, you have to have the other side agree to the dismissal (in California you simply file one form called a Request for Dismissal-- if the other side has filed a response he or she needs to sign the dismissal as well).

In California I have seen people often agree to joint physical custody with one party being designated "primary caretaker" but the term really has no legal significance (it makes one side feel better is about all); however, if entitlement to welfare benefits is an issue being designated "primary custodial parent" or "primary caretaker" may be useful in qualifying. That's about the only importance it has to my knowledge.

There are two types of custody, legal and physical. Legal custody means responsibility for rising the child. Physical custody denotes who the child lives with primarily.

Sound like you want joint legal custody and primary physical custody. You can assue the father that want him a part of the child's life and are willing let him have extensive visitation.

But 6 and 6 is impractical. While the child is younger, someone will need to care for him during the day. Day care will work until he starts regular school. But once that starts, it will be unfair to switch schools during the year.

But don't let him talk you out of formalizing custody, support and visitation through the courts. Its better that way.

I'm not sure of the difference between legal and physical custody. I'd ask for both. Even if you have sole custody, I don't think it means the dad has no role. I am pretty sure I have sole custody, and the kids have regularly scheduled visitation with their dad, so presumably he could have a very major role in their lives.

My sad experience has been though that once the dad moves out of state, they put a lot less effort into spending time with their kids.

You are certainly correct that it makes no sense for a school age child to live 1/2 the time with each of you. I had a similar situation with my ex, who moved 2,000 miles away to California as soon as we split, after 22 years of marriage and 3 kids, aged 17, 15 and 11.

His plan was to take one of our 3 kids to live with him, and I'd have the 2nd with me. Our oldest was a senior in high school, and the ex didn't figure he counted, since he turned 18 at the beginning of his senior year. My ex seemed to think this meant the child was no longer eligible for child support (in Illinois they are until they graduate high school or turn 18, whichever comes later).

My point in telling you all this is to let you know that what it all boiled down to for me was my ex didn't want to pay child support, and he modeled his custody suggestion with that end in mind. I think it sounds a lot like your kid's dad has the same kind of idea.

My lawyer just brushed off his plan, and said no judge would readily agree to a split of the children from each other. I'm going to guess your lawyer will say the same about your kid's dad's idea.

Also, don't know if it is a factor in your split, but my lawyer said that since he was the one moving, that we would ask that he be responsible for paying for the kids to go visit him. She thought the judge would agree that it wasn't fair for me to have to pay half the considerable travel costs when it was his decision to leave our lifelong hometown.

I followed the lawyer's advice in everything, even though I thought it was all unnecessary, that the ex and I were reasonable people who would amicably be able to figure these things out, but I took her recommendations, and I am very glad I did. She asked for sole (pretty sure) custody, with lots of visitation for him. The husband didn't like this but he could not yet take the kids. He had just moved there and needed 3 months or so to get a place, etc. The lawyer and I just said that for now, today, I had to have custody because he was not ready and it would be a simple matter to change custody, just file paperwork in court, which I said I would do for the 15-year-old once dad was ready to take him, if my son wanted to go there.

I did not ask for child support because the ex did not immediately have a job, but I reserved the right to it once he was working, and the settlement said he was responsible for letting me know once that happened. Again, I thought this was a needless formality, because he loved his kids and of course would want to make sure they had the things they needed.

The lawyer put in the settlement that I would pay all the expenses on the house we jointly owned, but the ex would owe me 1/2 the mortgage payment. I would cover the taxes, utilities etc. He would also owe me for 1/2 the kids' expenses, to be settled when he was able or the house was sold. Completely unnecessary, but why not have it in writing, I thought.

Well, the ex's job prospects didn't work out. Being Calif. And all, he is having a very hard time finding lasting work, and is living with his cousin. He rescinded his offer to my son to move out there. My son had already decided he didn't want to go, so all was well there, and no need to change any paperwork, which the lawyers here can tell you if it matters, but I know I sleep better at night knowing if God forbid a kid needs emergency surgery or something I can say OK without having to track down this ex for permission.

Of course I don't get a penny from him now, in part because he isn't working, but I do note that when he does get short-term work, he never volunteers to send us anything. I am somewhat consoled by the fact that once I get the house sold I can recoup what he owes me up to then. Because the lawyer thought to put it in the settlement. Even if you don't have a home with this guy, a settlement would give you the right to have child support, and I understand you can actually have the other parent's tax refund directed to you, or even his wages garnished if he will not pay to support his or her own child. (Not trying to be sexist, I'm sure some moms don't pay child support too, equal opportunities for both sexes to be jerks in this matter.)

My ex was a good man and loving father who I never in one million years thought would do this, walk out of his kids' lives like this. The last time they went to visit their dad, I paid for one of their airfares, because dad couldn't afford it. In January, I paid him to fly here to spend time with the kids, and I went to say with my mom for 2 weeks. Otherwise they would never see him.

2 years ago I would have said I didn't need the protection of a contract because my husband was an upstanding guy who would never try to walk out on his responsibilities. But I have come to feel that once a guy is away from his kids on a daily basis, something happens to him. Maybe it does to moms too, I don't know. But guys that you really thought would be standup guys start acting like jerks.

And if your guy is wonderful and perfect, it really doesn't matter that the settlement holds him to certain things. It need never come up. But you have some protection at least if your rights are protected in writing.

ScottGem: Such as?

ScottGem: Such as?

Keep in mind the OP asked a fairly specific question. I know you are trying to be helpful but to be honest with you I sort of lost sight of whatever point it was you were trying to make. What wasn't it you were trying to say?

I guess my long-winded point was that the dad's unhappiness about a legal custody hearing, along with his split-the-baby plan, could simply be child support avoidance, and this mom should not be deterred from asking to settle this custody situation in court in the way that she feels is best for her and her boy, the heck with dad's hurt feelings. I'm sure I got carried away in offering too many details of my own situation.

I don't pretend to be a lawyer or offer legal advice, hence the many times I give props to my lawyer for her solid guidance. I'm just sharing my own experience in a situation that feels similar to what this mom relates, and singing the praises of letting a lawyer guide you away from what can be a counterproductive instinct to avoid the coldness of a legal proceeding. I emphasized that I don't know all the terminology. That is where the lawyer comes in.

I also don't suggest anyone actually split a baby, Solomon-style. You would definitely want to ask a doctor how to go about that.

I don't know if this is appropriate, if this is the place for this BUT I got an absolutely lovely, charming thank you note from Buddyman. Sometimes I remember why we all volunteer out time.

At any rate, a lot of people never say thanks and Buddyman went the extra mile, brightened up my whole day.

And I thought everyone should know!