Hi everyone, I'm new to the site but here it goes...

My boyfriend and I have been really good friends for about 10 years, we grew up together, we always had a thing for each other but we never seriously dated until last spring. Our one year is coming up in the next couple of weeks but the past few months have been really stressful for the both of us. We've been living together but we constantly argue and he breaks up with me constantly and then we get back together, but we never break up for more than a few days.
I also recently got pregnant and I had to get an abortion (I'm sorry if that offends anyone or if anyone disagrees with my decision but ultimately I had to because I am not ready to have a child and it would kill my family), and today he broke up with me again saying that this was like a high school relationship and this that and the other thing... I love him with everything and I don't know if I should just let it go or if there is anything I can do to fix this... I hate talking to my friends about this because it's like the same thing over and over again and they all say that we're going to get back together and stuff but I just want to get back together and I want all this stupid drama to end. It's pointless and he just gets aggravated and I get upset, it's so much unnecessary stress that neither of us should have to deal with.
I guess basically I'm just trying to figure out what I can do to show him that I have changed, I've grown and I don't want to fight about stupid things. I feel like he doesn't want to have fun with me or get along with me and just comes into this every day with a negative attitude and I want to find a way to get around that...
Any suggestions would be great! Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it

So you want to stay with him, but your relation ship is off and on.

Not very stable eh. What do you like about your relation ship with him? What do you not like, and what are your goals and values in life?
Do you love yourself, do you have self respect, do you know yourself, and if you get together with him but it doesn't work out and you just fight and keep going back and forth for the next ten years would you forgive yourself for making the choice to get back with him? Tough one to answer I know.

This is your choice, and you might be looking for some one to give you a "quick Fix"; but in my experience, a quick fix is a quick finnish. It won't last. Then again I believe life is pliable and can change, so maybe if you tried taking time and space from one another, working on yourselves, then you can realize how much you love each other, or not I don't know...

I know that may not seem like help, but trust me, it's some of thee most important stuff we will ever ask ourselves.

“What I am looking for is not "out there", it is in me”
Helen Keller quotes
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
Helen Keller quotes
"Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly." ~Edward Albee
If I am not pleased with myself, but should wish to be other than I am, why should I think highly of the influences which have made me what I am? ~John Lancaster Spalding (indeed... )

You need a long break from him, to let the emotional dust settle, and figure out for yourself what you really want, as you two took a long term friendship, and turned it into something that isn't really working for either of you.

Just because you were friends, doesn't mean you can be lovers, or work together.

I love the fact that he knows me better than anyone... and I'm not saying that as like a cliché but he really does, we've been good friends since we were in elementary school, we grew up together and he knows so much about me. I love how comfortable I am around him because I really am myself, and I can honestly talk to him about everything.
People always say that we're similar and that we're good for each other but I think that we fight because we're so similar.. We are both independent people and very stubborn and opinionated... The only real downfall to our relationship (except for the arguing) is the fact that he goes back and forth so much... We both have a lot of stress in our lives and I know this relationship is stressful but I think that's because it's not 100% stable, I guess I'm just looking for ways to win him over so that we can be together and happy and what not but I also want to be in a healthy relationship and I don't know how to go about getting him back so I can have a chance to show him. I don't think that he realizes how fed up I am with all of the fighting and I have been making an effort but it's not something that can be changed over night but we have gotten better he's just so caught up in being angry over it and resenting me for it that he doesn't realize it... And I think that at this point he doesn't want to be in it anymore because of all the stress it causes so is there anything that I can do or say to get him back and show him that it won't be like before... this sucks..

I also forgot to add that he's leaving to go into the service soon and that's why I wanted to figure out a way to make this work within the next few months... I know it can be good and I know this is what I really want and that's why I'm not ready to just give up on him and on this relationship and walk away...

You mentioned 'That you've changed'. What is it that he has been fighting with you about? What did you have to 'change' for him? If you can provide more detail as to what the fighting is about, perhaps we can help a little more.

You both need to communicate. You need to sit down and ask him why is he so misserable in the relationship; why does he keep getting angry? You also need to tell him that you haven't been happy because of the arguing but are willing to try and work things out. But first, you need to find out what things need to actually be worked on; what are the issues you are having/he is having about the relationship? It seems that you two are fighting, but what is actually the reasons behind the fighting?

We don't even fight about anything in particular. We fight about anything and everything, I'm not saying that I've changed as a person but I've realized that nit-picking about everything is not going to change or help anything. I get irritated sometimes and I'll say something and he'll take it and get mad about what I said or how I said it and then I'll get back and its just a cycle... or he'll say something and I'll comment on it and he'll take it the wrong way and it just escalates from there...
I know I have an attitude sometimes but sometimes he'll just assume that I'm being a or accuse me of having an attitude when I don't. But now that I know all of this I can stop giving him the impression that I'm a all the time but now I don't have an opportunity to show him that... And I guess more than anything I want to have a little bit of time to show him all of this and what I've learned before I just let it go..

There are too many obstacles for you two to be happy. It's time to break up and stick with it.

In any breakup where you care about the other person a lot, you will want to get back together in the early weeks maybe even month. The challenge is to get over that hump.

It's like going over a speedbump... you're rolling your car and you think the bump is too high, so you don't go over it. You end up staying on this side. But once you get over it, you're on the other side and you don't look back. So you got to stick to your decision of breaking up and refusing to give in to your urge to get back together. That's when you implement the no contact rule.

He's known you for 10 years and you dated for 1 year, of course it will feel like he knows well. But I bet if you were friends with someone for 1 year and dated for 10 years, he will know you even better.

You still can. If he comes home in an angry mood, soften it by asking if he wants something to drink, something to eat, ask him about his day, etc.. (coddle him a bit, but genuinely). This way he should start to let his anger diminish, and you will both be in a more calm state.

I think your friendship has made you comfortable, but now he is leaving and seems to be pushing you away, while your looking for solutions. That's why you need a break, you two aren't working together.

How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.

A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)

"Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership."

Here are Dr. Phil's specific rules for fighting fair.

# Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

# Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

# Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

# Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

# Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

# Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

# Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

# There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.


Dr. Phil.com - Advice - How to Fight Fair (http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/20)

Long distance relationships are very hard. They are extreamly stressful too. Or at least they can be. Maybe let him go, and if when he comes back then pursue something. Give yourself some time to practice or settle into your "Changed Way". Like you said, "it doesn't happen over night." It takes time to change ones self. First you have to realise what you arte doing, then break it down, decide what you want to do about it, then be consistent about it.

Peace and kindness be with you.

It's not a long distance relationship... I think we're together too much if anything but like I said he is leaving but not until next year and I just wanted to take this time to give him space but I don't see why we can't still be together and work everything out. I do not want to lose him, he's been my best friend for years and the good times are definitely worth all the things that we have to go through... I hate that everything has to be so damn complicated!!

If you really feel that way, then tell him all that. He's the one you should be talking to if you want to work this out.