Hello everyone I'm new to posting on this site and I am really looking forward to maybe getting a resolution and learning from this experience. Let me start with the background information to make things easy I will abbreviate both of our names My names "I" I live in bakersfield, ca am now 20 years old, my girlfriend "L" is still 19 our relationship lasted just over 2 years and now I don't know what to do.

I am a very goal oriented person that is looking forward to the future and am now at college pursuing my computer science degree, I have a good idea where I want to go and what I want to do when I am older. I had always had a lot of friends and a good family growing up. That is why I have always been the responsible one in the relationship.

Early on in our relationship she seemed to know where she wanted to go in life as well, she turned down a full ride scholarship to orange county art school(shes good at drawing) to stay with me and go to the local college to get her degree in animal science. After a semester or two something happened to where she now has no desire to go to school and has failed all her classes. She is not as goal oriented or ambitious as me, had some good close friends(but not alot) and her mom hasn't been the greatest asset in her life. She was always very shy growing up where as I was more outgoing. I know we are very different but they do say opposites attract.


In the beginning of the relationship everything was going fine we were actually both first loves with only a couple of meaningless relationships before we got together. The first couple of months really were easy and it just seemed to good to be true, but everyone here knows how the start of a relationship usually is. In about the 8th month the first problem appeared she had developed feelings for another guy and being new to relationships didn't know that you could have feelings for someone else but still make it work with the person you loved. That ordeal really only lasted a week or two during that time we broke up and retained little contact until one day she called me over to the park close by and we had a good talk and things worked out ever so slowly, after some compromises and promises that were upheld, but after that experience I always had some jealousy issues I couldn't overcome.

So moving on about three months ago was when the problems started the foundation we once shared of common goals had now crumbled she was no longer doing anything productive for her future and was partying far to often. I on the other hand was making the mistake of forcing her to do responsible things that needed to be done, I guess I was trying to look for her best interests but I began to sound too much like a parent.

The reason why I think we are not together today is because she was not ready(mature) enough for this kind of commitment and still had some has some partying to get out of her system. For example I guess for a couple weeks now she has been smoking weed with one of our friends without telling me. I have always treated her very good and tried to look out for her but I guess I have learned that you can't force anyone to do anything.

So one day I was trying to talk with her about some of the problems we had the relationship just started feeling different, I guess within those three months the spark had died and I got the line "My feelings for you just aren't the same." after that I tried to explain to her that that can happen in a relationship but its up to both of the individuals to fix it. She was not listening to anything I was saying ignoring every solution I brought to her until finally I got really mad and said some very hurtful things to her. A week later we talked I apoligized and told her that it just felt like the world was caving in on me, regardless she broke it off we me saying she loves and cares about me deeply but she wants time to be selfish and experience life as single for awhile.

Now that I have been single for a few days it is tearing me up inside I know I should not contact her but sometimes I can't take it and I snap and end up calling her just to hear her voice, although overall there has been little contact between us, I do not think she is ready to talk about anything yet. Her mom really likes me I called her yesterday and she said that "l" has been saying that she is hurting bad and she doesn't want to make a decision that she regrets.

Based off all of this I have came to the conclusion that I will most likely be single for months to come maybe even until a new girl comes along. I think that "l" needs that time to find herself and realize where she needs to go in life.

If anyone needs more information just ask and pleasssse help me out here I'm dying.

You should give yourself more credit than that. I'm sure you have a lot of to offer a girlfriend, but she's definitely not the same girl that you feel for in the beginning.

You already know what you want in life, but she's still finding herself. I'm sure that you really liked her, but in reality, you two are not compatible. Staying with her will also cause pain.

It will get better. You just have to give yourself some time. The early days of a breakup are more traumatising, so just take it easy on yourself.

In the meantime, try reading some of the Stickies in this forum. It will help you cope with breakups and continue the NC.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

etc.

I know that it seems like it can't work out but what does the word incompatible mean! What if a few months down the line she realizes what she lost and wants to make it work between the two of us, I know she's young but all of us get out of the party phase eventually.

Ulike you she doesn't have her goals in order, unsure of her future, and isn't ready to be in a committed relationship. She wants to be free and loose and just roam around until she decides to do differently.

She stated she was "immature" and this can help shred some light on her actions. Maybe she wants to see what is on the other door, get out and party, not go school but you know what? You can't change that.

Sometimes people change. Everyone don't always walk in a straight line. She proved that when she left you the first time for another guy because he caught her attention. She is one of thos girls that is going reflect back on you and realize what she had but it's going be too late. He lost is going be someone else's gain.

You sound like a man with a plan so stick with it and don't let her change you or what you've planned. There is someone else out there that would love to be with someone like you because guys like you are a dime a dozen.

Get over her and move forward.

Wow seems like a general consensus so far, nothing ever happened between her and the other guy it was more of an emotional thing. So none of you out there think that this could be a phase that she needs to go through in order to realize what she lost and find herself out by herself? I'm sorry I thank you very much for the advice but I might have forgot to put that I am a bit stubborn at times.

I also made the mistake of not writing everything in the 1st topic to keep things short and brief she is someone that would never intentionally hurt someone its just not her. She is actually a good person and I know for a fact she did not break up with me just to hurt me, she is the type that sat in her room for a week crying hysterically after her dog died, and the type of person done any wrong to a friend.

She is just really confused and after seeing her mom in a bajillion failed relationships she hasn't realized what it takes to commit.

I've been here over a year, and the basic logic I have gotten is, they seldom break up over just one fight, it's been brewing for awhile now. Another thing, they don't ever want to intentionally hurt you, you might not want to believe it right now, I didn't when my ex broke up with me, but after you heal, you realize it's for the best

I'm sure she didn't intentionally try to hurt you, but you are hurt nonetheless.

So what exactly do you want? Do you want ways to get over her? Do you want to wait for her?

I'm not sure I would love for her to get her head on straight and say "wow i made a mistake" later on down the road and decide that she threw away the best thing she had.

The thing is I'm not sure if she did all of this because she was immature and not ready for a relationship and will be in 6mo-1yr or whatever or if she realized what she was doing and now in her mind were done forever.

I'm not sure I would love for her to get her head on straight and say "wow i made a mistake" later on down the road and decide that she threw away the best thing she had.

The thing is I'm not sure if she did all of this because she was immature and not ready for a relationship and will be in 6mo-1yr or whatever or if she realized what she was doing and now in her mind were done forever.

She is continuing to find herself and no one knows how she will be in 6months-1year or more. If you still care about her well-being, then I'm sure you will have a chance to be friends again in the future. Right now, it's probably best to NC for both of you to move on. You have your goals and she has to find herself.

WoW with a head like that on you my friend at your age!. honestly she is really losing out!
she is the young that is to young to handel a real relationship

which is something you tried to bring to the table Now




When they say oh I need to find myself la la la..

I mean.. what! That has to be the biggest load of.. C#$P there is..

If you are with someone.. and you love them it honestly does not matter where they are going or what they are doing because you really just love everything about them, and you want share in there life. And make a go of life Together! Face anything together.

I know it sounds very moviesh but.. it is a true fact.

You said it all in your email. She is not ready, so yeah take this time to heal do not beat yourself up about this.. you did everything you was suppose to do if not more.

Let her get left back =) you keep moving forward!

All right so I'm still in the process of trying to move on at the same time, right now I am trying to gain some closure so I can go back to my independent confident old self.

The two questions I have been beating myself over the head over are:

1. is she going through a party phase to cover up the or because that is what she wanted to do the entire time but couldn't because of me?

2. if we were not compatible from the get go why did it last two years

And I guess a 3rd question would be:

3. since she seems unstable at the moment in the future when she is stable and has goals and ambitions would that make us compatible

There were a lot of things that made us compatible in the beginning same religious beliefs, goals, music, TV, we both love anime, and others

If someone here can tell me definitively that we were never meant for each other and that in the future it will never work out because of our personalities please tell me why and try to explain it slow... like I said I am young inexperienced, and stubborn. Thank you for the support.

That is a lot of what-ifs.

1) Only she knows that answers. My guess that she doesn't know what she wants in life. Partying is kind of a distraction, to have fun so that she does not have to think about the serious stuff.

2) There are may possibilities to drag out a relationship. You can have feelings for one another but be incompatible, which appears to be your case. Since you have feelings, you give it a shot.

3) I broke up with one of my ex thinking the same way. After a while, I stopped believing that even if she changed we would get back together. You can't predict the future. Maybe you will find someone even better than her and your ex will be in the history books.

When it comes to career, then it's good to think about the distant future. When it comes to relationships, unless you are in a serious and stable relationship, there's no point thinking so far ahead.

You can spend your whole life waiting on what ifs, but when are you going to start living in reality.

Think about it, I could spend my whole life on "what if Megan Fox walks into my room naked looking for me"

I occasionally wonder what if, sure, but not about girls. I am a great hockey player, had a roster spot reserved for me on the Ontario River Rapids but had one too many concussions and wasn't able to play. Sure for awhile I thought my life was over, hockey was what I was good at, it was what I was known for. So I had two choices, sit and wallow in self pity about how life isn't fair, or make it so I'm known to people and myself for something else. I went with option number 2, and I haven't looked back since.

You can spend your whole life waiting on what ifs, but when are you going to start living in reality.

Think about it, I could spend my whole life on "what if Megan Fox walks into my room naked looking for me"



This would be impossible as I don't let her out of my house...

I knew she was somewhere! Share the wealth!

Yeah, don't waste your time beating your head trying to figure out the "what if" questions. You will end up filling yourself with false hope of a future together with your ex.

Just concentrate on the here and now, and what you can do for yourself. You will be much better off.

When we are young we may be mature in some ways, but immature, and inexperienced in others. Know one knows what the future will bring, but for sure we can make plans for ourselves.

That's part of your conflict, you have a plan, and she doesn't, and she is not ready for your plan, nor wants it. She is on one path, and you are on another.

Best you let her do her own thing, and learn in her own way, and enjoy the time you had, but continue down your own path without her. She made her choice, now you must make yours.

Not unusual, as we all change, and grow, and make decisions for ourselves. You sure can't make her have feelings for you. Let her go! There will be other options, and opportunities, later down the road.




1. is she going through a party phase to cover up the or because that is what she wanted to do the entire time but couldn't because of me?

I think as she left high school, and home, she saw a lot of things that attracted her, and its not unusual to explore ones new found freedom, when your young, and fresh, to the world. Its neither good or bad, but she has been thinking of this for quite a while, until she was ready to tell you. You have been seeing the signs, but ignored them, or didn't know what they meant.

2. if we were not compatible from the get go why did it last two years

Growing, and learning, is about change, and adjustments. She was not prepared to make those adjustments, and had different ideas as to the path she wanted for herself. You must respect that. You made adjustments, and changes, for what you wanted, so did she, and they were not compatible. Accept that.

3. since she seems unstable at the moment in the future when she is stable and has goals and ambitions would that make us compatible

She may seem unstable, but she is happier learning, and growing, on her own, and everyone deserves the chance to live, grow, and even fail, on their own. She wants to be independent to make her own choices, as do you, so what was compatible has changed, so adjust to it, by letting her do as she pleases.

there were a lot of things that made us compatible in the beginning same religious beliefs, goals, music, TV, we both love anime, and others

That's all well, and good, but it wasn't enough, and seldom is. Being willing to work together thru honest communications was missing from this equation. She was not willing to work with you on your plan. It was that simple.

if someone here can tell me definitively that we were never meant for each other and that in the future it will never work out because of our personalities please tell me why and try to explain it slow... like i said I am young inexperienced, and stubborn.
We don't know the future, but we do know we must grow, and learn how to deal with what life presents us. We also must learn about ourselves, and how we deal with our own, hopes and fears and desires, and dreams. That's where your at, and what you must do. Deal with yourself, and your feelings, in a healthy positive way, that makes you happy, despite what life puts you through.

Sorry for your loss, in time it gets better, by leaving her alone, and grow to know your own happiness. Good luck with that, hope this helps.

So no one here sees a possibility of us getting back together? Even if its just to humor me someone give me a scenario of how it could happen. Regardless I realize I have to deal with this anyway and I have one step at a time I now just feel sad that its gone and angry at her for bottling up her feelings not communicating and then all of a sudden making this decision it happened so fast. Based off the way in which it did happen I figure that if she learns and grows and I learn and grow that maybe our paths could once again realign,

I really am taking in advice its just that this is a major thing for me and I'm not experienced at handling this sort of thing.

Oh yea I know from many sources that she definitely has no intentions of dating and she's already expressed doubt in the decision she's made just to throw that in. Even so she did make the decsion and maybe I'm just being foolish to try and hold something that doesn't exist. Almost like trying to hold water in your hands.

Could you two get back together?: Yes, it is absolutely possible.

Should you worry about whether that happens?: NO!

Oh yea I know from many sources that she definitely has no intentions of dating and she's already expressed doubt in the decision she's made just to throw that in. Even so she did make the decsion and maybe I'm just being foolish to try and hold something that doesn't exist. almost like trying to hold water in your hands.

During the early days of a breakup, you will continue to hope that there is a chance to get back together.

It's not whether you have a chance in the future. That should not be your concern right now. Worry about yourself first. Heal from this break up. Make yourself a better person and apply the no contact rule so that she can do the same.

Once both of you have moved on, who knows what will happen in the future. Anything is possible.

You can't move forward thinking that you will be getting back with her, otherwise you will be making decisions based on that false hope of this reunion happening.

The possibility exists, but the odds of you getting back together are severely out of your favor. It is best to proceed forward with the notion that reconciling with your ex WILL NOT happen.

Just look ahead at focus on that. As you heal you will be able to see other options, and opportunities clearer.

Right now the feelings you have to deal with of loss, are fresh, and raw. Time will heal, and you can make good decisions, based on facts, and not just feelings.

All right then that is what I will do, I will use the NC rule and see what I can do to better myself atm.

Oh yea I actually have a huggggeee question Me and my girlfriend were actually introduced to the same group of friends which is one of the problems I have soooo now basically the group is split up between my group and her group basically party people that aren't amounting too much and me and my friends who all have solid plans. Anyway the question is in a little over a week my best friend has a beach trip planned and wants me to go, but the thing is my ex is going as well... what should I do?

Oh yea I actually have a huggggeee question Me and my gf were actually introduced to the same group of friends which is one of the problems i have soooo now basically the group is split up between my group and her group basically party people that aren't amounting to much and me and my friends who all have solid plans. Anyways the question is in a little over a week my best friend has a beach trip planned and wants me to go, but the thing is my ex is going as well... what should i do?

Tell him thanks, but no thanks... :cool:

That's what I was leaning towards is there any way of handling the "friends" situation?

thats what i was leaning towards is there any way of handling the "friends" situation?

I've been in this situation before. The group does split up and there's nothing much you can do about it. If they are really your friends, you should tell them the situation and they will respect you. They will arrange activities accordingly until you have completely healed and ready to see your ex again.

Unfortunately, this is the type of situation where you find out who your true friends are.

I would make a different plan, with different people.

If your friends will not accommodate you during this painful time, by planning separate activities with you and leaving your ex out of them (and vice versa), it maybe time to find new ones. As a matter of fact, this would be the perfect time to expand your social circle to include new people that none of your current friends know.

All right you guys I'm starting to get better I realize now that us not working out was mostly because of herself and what she is going through at the time and that circumstances suck! And could have been better to make the relationship last but she wasn't ready for a real committed relationship yet and maybe she never will be I may never know


I wanted everyone that has helped me to know that I love them and thank them for reaching out for me. Also I wanted to give you an update on what is going on.

So ever since she left me she has been hanging out smoking week drinking every single night it is almost like she has hit rock bottom.

Q: Does anyone know why she is doing this other then that she was sheltered not taught any better and now is unrestricted by me?

It hurts so much to see a friend fall I guess my best friend has seen her a couple times since the break up and she looks like #$%% It hurts a lot I have NOT CONTACTED her in over 3 weeks since the break up.

I still can't come face to face with her I have seen her driving around part of me feels so angry towards her but part of me feels like she is innocent and as a person is years away from the level of maturity I am at. I guess in a couple of month I will inevitably hear what her true colors are but by then I will be done with her.

Obviously, her coping skills are not that developed.

It hurt the other day when my friend told me he saw her driving her car completely high and look white as a ghost

She is going to do what she wants. If she wants to experience life in this way, you have to let her and just let go. There is nothing you can do. Just stick to what you are doing and work towards getting her out of your thoughts.

Don't worry about her. She isn't worrying about you.

Its supposed to hurt seeing a past attachment run head first into a brick wall. Your human, and you care.

This is sooooo retarded honestly there are a lot of great qualities about this girl and they were apparent when we started dating, but even then there were many bad qualities about her too much of the relationship felt like holding back a dam from breaking... and guess what it broke.

This is the same path her mom went down, grew up poor got government aid became less poor spent that money on drugs and finally when she's in her 40's she pulled her head out of her @ss and started making something of herself.

At this point I don't want to even be with someone like this but seriously I can't stand on the sidelines and watch her go through this

Btw a friend told me her and a couple other people were popping oxy's the other day... that's not good.

Even as a friend not an ex or boyfriend is there a way I can stop this... or convince one of my close friends to talk to her or something... I'm not a psychologists but I know nothing good can come from this sort of a situation.

I think the main reason the attraction died between us was because I was constantly feeling like a babysitter with her always telling her right from wrong which is bad because I shouldn't be the one to do this her parents should have but her mom was not much of a parent.

Can any expert tell me... isn't it necessary to have two people on the same maturity level in a relationship? Just because when I saw a friend a couple years back who was 19 and dating a 14 year old(yes I thought it was gross) they didn't last more then 6 months

So in this case could someone please tell me that it wasn't my fault because no one should have to be with someone that abusing substances even if they are young right? Any relationship where that is apparent has problems anyway correct? GODDDD I hate being so dam young and inexperienced I wish I was like 30 and could answer my own questions.

When she is older do you think she will regret the decision she made? I mean I am not perfect but not many people are do you think she was just to young to be ready for a real relationship? Why do you think all this crap she's doing is happening after the 2 yrs relationship possibly because she always longed to do these things but knew she couldn't with me because we were on different pages of life? I don't know... just someone give me some thoughts.

I time you will be able to answer your own questions. Once the emotional dust settles in your head, you will be able to reflect back on the relationship and see everything for what it truly was.

As far as her substance abuse goes, you can try all you want to prevent her from doing drugs. You can tell how bad they are and how addictive the drugs she is taking are. However, what it all comes down to is, is she willing to help herself?

If she is not willing to get off the dope for herself, no one is going to make her choice for her and change her actions. Sometimes people have to fall, in order to realize what they have done and get back up on there own. I know it is hard for you to do that. I have had many friends go down the road of drug abuse. I would always be the one on the side saying "You guys really need to stop this stuff. It is slowly killing you. You are getting addicted and need to stop now." Did they listen... NO. Not even the death of our really close friend (on of my best friends), from a drug overdose, do anything to make them realize what they did to themselves. In time some learned, and some still did not. It wasn't me or anyone else who made them wake up and choice the path to sobriety, it was themselves!

Substance abuse is hard. It's hard on the abuser and hard on the people close to them. The abuser suffers the direct problems associated with the drugs they are doing. While the people who are close to them suffer by watching what the drugs do to the abuser.

People who care ALWAYS try to help the abuser. However, the only way the abuser will stop is if THEY choose to help themselves and stop on their own. Once they make that choice, you can be there to support them, but THEY MUST make the choice for themselves FIRST.

I know it's hard for you to see her go through this, but honestly nothing you do or say will make her change. She HAS to be the one to do it, or else she will just end up lying to you and betraying herself, if she is not totally committed to stop.

Sorry for your pain, but this is one of those situations where the person has to learn to help themselves.

Its hard its almost like she broke up with me to live like this...

Maybe, but you can't think that way. It is not your fault that she chose this path. She made the decision for herself.

You should be glad that you are not together. If you were still with her, she would most certainly be hitting you up for money to buy drugs, under the guide that she is "Going out with her friends."

Trust me you do not want to be involved with the problems this type of behavior comes with.

So in my mind I'm very confused why a girl would turn down a guy like me I mean most guys do stupid crap especially at my age.. I'm 20 and have an associates degree working is fine... or doing anything that is productive in your life.. I would support any girl in anything that they wanted to do if it was a goal or ambition... if a girl wanted to do something hurtful to the relationship of course I would be against it. Now looking back on this past relationship I can see that I was a little bit critical of that because no one is perfect and you can't force anyone to do anything, but really how can doing nothing with your life but floating along be productive at all? How can you be happy doing it, maybe she regrets her descion? I want to talk with her to gain more closure or something but I don't think this would solve really much of anything... I'm not sure how far into the healing process I am. I have not contacted her in something like 3 weeks or so but I did do some stupid crap in the first week or so out of desperation... now the only reason I'm going through this much trouble is to answer questions that are seeming to me to be unanswerable. Maybe its just that I'm very analytical and logical and I got with someone that only dealed with their emotions... I don't know advice?

Give yourself time. The answers to your questions will become clear, once you settle down emotionally, and can look back on the relationship with a clear mind.

Take sometime and reflect. It may help you get the closure you need.

Well you guys guess what happened I actually ran into her about a day or two ago and we sat down and talked for hours... it was amazing I got all the closure I need and now I am ready to move forward.

Basically we sat down and we were drinking some beers together at a friends house.

All the reasons she gave me were really only some of the smallest issues of why we actually broke up. Sure the lusting after one another may have been less apparent but in a true relationship usually that is solvable..

Anyway what happened was that once she got off her anti depressants and away from her counselor all the issues she had came back with a vengeance she bottled them up and never let me know.

Right now she is going through a really tough time. She admitted that she didn't know who she was and was trying to find herself and basically that she hated who she was right now.

I can't sum up our entire conversation but basically when you can't love yourself you cannot love another.. I gave her some honest advice as a friend told her that maybe we could become friends and try again long into the future but most of all we both learned a lot from our first relationship and even if we get into a relationship with someone else the time we spent was special...

So I told her to get back with her counsellor and even though I knew that she would not listen to me that she should try to stop distracting herself with weed in order to truly find herself...

And here I am now I feel fcking great.. not fully healed but now I understand that it wasn't my fault really whatsoever but it was she who wasn't necessarily at fault for the breakup because we both had something to do with it. But I realized that she just wasn't ready for what I had to offer...

And that someone in the future will be.

Isn't life funny sometimes how some people will run away from all their problems including the problem that is actually their only solution?

Any advice on the recent events and where do you relationship experts put me on the stages of healing?

Wow how do iget people to comment?

??

But i realized that she just wasn't ready for what i had to offer...

and that someone in the future will be.


THAT... is what sucks the most. I am in the same boat. Don't feel guilty too long man, now she admits that it was her too. Let the guilt pass, understand your faults and allow yourself to become better from them.

After a fire starts, the flame will die down. That is life. Is there ANYTHING you can do to bring her back and be happy? You know the answer as do I.

Time for NC to allow yourself time to heal so you can have what it takes to start a new fire with someone that will keep it burning

To have a healthy adult relationship, requires two healthy adults. That's still no guarantee, that things will go as you want them too. That's just reality. That's what healing is about, a return to good health, or as close as you can get.

What could it possibly mean when someone says that there heart just isn't into the relationship I am very new at relationships and I was wondering a little bit about the background of women and how this type of stuff works.

what could it possibly mean when someone says that there heart just isn't into the relationship I am very new at relationships and I was wondering a little bit about the background of women and how this type of stuff works.

They aren't in love with you... that's what it means. This isn't a gender thing, it is a human thing.

Why do you think this happened in my case? Just the lack of communication or different paths that were chosen? Then how do marriages last couples entire lives?

The "X" factor... it's called life. Feelings and such. The human mind and heart work in very strange ways... hell, even a PHD in studies doesn't make you an expert, because behavior is very hard to predict when it comes to love...

Let me let you in on something you need to know. The biggest part of life is how you handle it. Sometimes what we want only looks good, but ain't worth a darn, when it comes to value. Like a nice sports car with a messed up engine. Would you pay top dollar for it?

In a relationship, when feelings change, and she wants space, give it to her, and deal with your feelings, heal, and move on, to preserve your own value to yourself, in the form of dignity, and self respect, and continue on your own path, until someone is willing to work with you through the trials of life.

Break ups suck, but they teach us a lot about ourselves, and what we want, and how to overcome bad situations, and how to cope with our own feelings when life knocks us down.

You have been knocked down, but its your choice to stay down, and punish yourself, or get up, and keep on trucking, and deal with the options, and opportunities, that are there if you have the ability to see them, and the will to pursue them. Make your choice and get on with it.

Had to spread the rep Tal but as always your right.

To the OP married couples be together for years because they make it work and they want it to work. They go through their up and downs and have they sad and happy moments they conquer any obstacles together.

Any relationship can work with communication, respect, trust, working as a team, and patience.

So I was just wondering how this process works to be honest I'm learning to live my life without her I just got a job as a computer technician in my home town at 14 bucks an hour which is way cool it beats my last min wage job anyway I also am now involved in a band and I have been inspired to write lyrics like crazy which is also going good.. we have 3 songs down we hope to have 9 by July so we can do some summer shows. So does NC last forever or will we end up eventually talking I know that no conversation could ever bring the full closure that I need but the only thing that will bring that is time I don't know but ill let you guys see the myspace address when I get some songs recorded.

My ex just emailed me to see if she had left anything over at my house... I have a couple things of hers still and I was planning on returning them, last time we talked she said she would eventually talk to me is this just an exscuse to talk to me or does she just want her stuff and to forget about me?

Anyone got some advice?.

Man NC is hard I still find myself thinking about her all the damn time sometimes I will sit there just replaying the train wreck in my head and thinking of what I couldv'e done to stop it. My life besides this baggage I have atm is truly doing great I got assigned as a WaMu Computer Specialist to convert them to chase... I make more then any one of my friends my age and yet I still feel like none of that matters without love in my life... I can handle everything that life throws at me responsibly besides relationships all my insecurities and issues are focused in this one category I still feel like I should have done more and that I had so many shortcomings as a boyfriend and it makes me unable to form new relationships while I still feel like this.

If you define yourself by having a female then your in trouble.

Another thing is what the frakk are you taking the blame for? It's a common thing for young people to grow up, and change, and do their own thing.

You weren't a bad boyfriend, you just grew apart because of life split you up.

If you stop sitting on the pity pot with that "O woe is me" crap, you will get with some reality and see what's around you, and make a life for yourself.

I occupy all my time with responsible things right now some people deal with heartbreak in negative ways and I can see that... sometimes things are so bad around me that its very tempting just to get wasted or w/e and forget about lifes problems for a couple hours...

But I'm the type that is very logical and sees the end of a path before I have stepped foot on that path. Any type of abuse would never lead towards a positive outcome so I stay away from it.

Being as logical as me is a two sided coin however because a lot of times if a problem can't be solved through simple analysis then I beat myself over the head until I'm just worn out over it and give up... unfourtanetly even though I realize that thinking about the break up will only bring a negative outcome I can help but do it anyway like I said life to me is bearable in every category besides the troubles and insecurites I have with relationships

All right something is bothering me now... those stupid words " i love you i just dont think im in love with you"... hurt so deep

Please someone treat me like a younger individual who just had his heart crushed and help me make sense of those words to the best of your knowledge by what you have read in my posts...

This is the one that keeps me awake at night.. and I really want to fully let go but its sooo hard

I am not a hardened relationship expert this is my first true love and that line I can't help but let it bother me.

There is a difference between love and "in love." One is a more deep, intimate feeling, the other is a natural, care about you feeling. She cares about you as a person, and not as a partner. People fall out of love all of the time. It happened to me, and I am sure it will happen again. It is easy to say "don't take it personal," but when it comes to the heart, we always take it personal. It hurts, but you will be fine in time.

Those words hurt, they are supposed to. And your supposed to learn to deal with how they make you feel.

I know that this website is meant for support but it still hurts people have told me those feelings will go away but dammmm I'm not equipped for this

No one is equipped for it, that's why they call it "heart break" the most powerful muscle in the body, it's the only one you give to someone else with the power to shatter it. It takes courage and the willingness to be hurt, we know it may happen but we still give it out in hopes the next one we give it to won't hurt it but will guard it as they would guard their own

Why couldn't this girl have decided to try and make it work with me instead of choosing to live how she is nothing makes any sense and my confidence is still shattered.

Your confidence is going to be broken, many times in life, but it is up to you to rebuild it. This is life, no take backs, no regrets, live EVERY DAY!! Things happen for a reason, and if you don't see that, we are here to help you see that. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and yes it sucks, big time. You know why we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. Time to start taking those steps to get back on your feet again. You need help, so we are your crutches for now, in time, though, you will not need us and you will be walking on your own, true to yourself.

Hmm I see I just got to look at it as something that is temporary maybe everything in life does happen for a reason its just that sometimes I wish I could make my own fate come true or just be able to predict it...

The logical side of me tells me not to try to get back with her but the emotional broken side of me tells me that's what I need. But I know someone going through what she's going through isn't able to maintain a healthy long term relationship correct?

What she is able to do does NOT MATTER!! It is what you are able to do, from this day forward, that matters. She is irrelevant in your life, period.

So everything in her life is going terrible right now everything in mine is going great... I got promoted to an assistant lead and now make $20 per hr and I'm only 20... she has become a huge pothead burnout with no goals ambitions or productivity in her life... I still feel depressed over such a worthless girl is wrong with me its like I put all my effort into something just to see it fail... I'm the type of person that when I put my mind towards something it always succeeds but with this it took two so it was out of my control... I just think about what could have been done different and what she is doing...

You will think about those thing that you could have done, or should have done. You must remember, those decisions were made in the past, and there is nothing you can do about it now. Also, even if you did what you thought you should have done, chances are the same thing would have happened eventually. She made the choice to walk away, not you. She must live with her decision, and you must continue on the path you are on.

I'm glad to hear everything is going well. You are doing great! You can't worry about her and her life. You should only concentrate on your life.

So I am at a point where I am just constantly finding myself angry at people.. bad choices my friends doing things that aren't good for them and even relatives and everyone else. The drugs the sex the booze its all getting to me and nothing good ever comes out of it. I find find myself the most mad at my ex for deciding to do what she is doing, I showed her a better way yet I can't make anyone do anything. This has been going on for a month now and I just want out of this town.

Is there a different way to look at this should I view things in a different perspective I want to venture out and do new things I want to gain my confidence back in my life and not be broken anymore please someone help to support me in this struggle tell me things ask me questions I need this support thank you.

You need to find a new social circle away from your ex.

Get out there, on your own, and start meeting people and talking to them. While you're out maybe try talking to some girls to see if any of them are dating material.

You will be amazed at how much fun you can have doing things by yourself. Being alone actually forces you to talk to others and in turn can be very beneficial, especially to more shy/reserved types, like myself.

One thing I haven't been able to get over is that even though part of me knows that we could never have been without a solid foundation to build on why did I want the relationship to work and she wanted out? I feel as if I did something wrong or more like I was inadaquate? Its really been a real confidence killer.

Many of us have made the mistake of tying our happiness to our partners, and when the partner has a change of feelings, so does our happiness, confidence, and self esteem.

Its normal, as this is how we learn to cope with those feelings, and do better for ourselves, down the road. We learn a lot about ourselves, and how to handle adversity.

One thing i havent been able to get over is that even though part of me knows that we could never have been without a solid foundation to build on why did i want the relationship to work and she wanted out? i feel as if i did something wrong or more like i was inadaquate? its really been a real confidence killer.

My confidence was absolutely shot when I broke up with my ex. It is only natural. When something or someone rejects you, it is usually going to sting, especially when we cared for them. As Tal stated, it is what you do now, after the break up, that will ultimately change who you are. Heartbreak leads to one hell of a shock to one's moral, and it is almost a starting point of a true foundation being built that creates a better and stronger YOU.

Threads merged

soooo I have question I'm in a confusing situation and don't really understand what's going on and would like some advice. I live in California and I am into IT type of stuff me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up ( its in my other thread) it was hard at first I even did all that stupid stufff guys do after a break up * yea you know * anywayyyssss... I got a job working for a computer company up north san jose 200 miles away from where I live and its definetely been NC for like 3-4 months. I am back from my job for a week atm and something weird happened my ex gave me a call.. we didn't talk about anything important pretty much small talk and I got to admit I rubbed the whole getting the job thing in her face a little =P just because I don't have all my feelings under control 100% I'm only human. Anyway she wanted to hang out really bad... so I was like okay she probably wants to tell me something I didn't know what though.. so I decide to go pick her up. I was going to go to the local museum for a class project but they were closed so we went and shot some pool for an hour I got to admit it was actually kind of fun but weird cause we didn't talk about anything.

What do you think she wanted to tell me if anything? What is her goal? And most importantly what is my next move?

What do you think she wanted to tell me if anything?
"I thought about us and I was thinking if there will be another chance.."


what is her goal?
To check her chances


and most importantly what is my next move?
What does your gut tells you? I guess your heart tells you "this feels good" but your mind says "this is a big mistake"... look back why you broke up in the first place.

its called testing the waters to see if its still warm. My ex went as far as sleeping with me to see if I still would, knowing I was talking to other girls. Its like a ego boost, them saying oh man, even with another girlfriend or dates he will still choose me. It goes both ways... part of you wants to know if she would still be with you. Your next move should be back to san hose 200 miles away. Figure out what you want, figure out if the relationship has any problems solved or if the problems have just been washed away with 3 months of NC and they are all still there... toxic is toxic. If she broke up with you for a reason, is the reason there. Are you happier without her? You don't need her to live your life, so figure out what makes you happy. Some breakups get back together, but for me, I got back 8 different times with my same X over the course of 8 years... on again, off again, fighting, love, toxic... and I still hooked up with her the last time we saw each other not 1 month ago, after 3 months of NC. She is datinga new guy (sugar daddy) and he is flying her around the world for her birthday... I wanted to test the waters and see if I could still hook up, and the reality is, I ill ALWAYS be able to hook up... my lesson is learning WHY I shouldn't hook up with her, so don't make the same mistake I do... you will always be able to respark things, but just don't get burned from the fire.

well you see I'm not exactly sure the reason that we broke up she kept all her feelings inside and emotionally removed herself from the relationship before it tanked. Part of it was the spark being gone =/ this girl had a rough childhood some issues as well. The main reason that I wouldn't get back with her is that she not as ambitious as me and goals are part of a strong foundation I beileve.

also were both pretty inexperienced I'm 20 she's 19 sooo do you think there is another reason she wanted to hang out? I'm gone in a week anyway I just want her to spit out w/e it is she wanted to tell me =/ how do I get her to do this?

or more to the point I still to this day don't know what is going through her head.

You don't have to start a new thread about the same girl, thats confusing. Just reply with your questions in this thread. Thats why your threads were merged.


You may never know WHAT SHE IS THINKING, OR WHY, unless she changes, and tells you. One thing you should know, is your back to the same questions, with answers she still isn't giving you so its safe to assume you are still no further ahead than when you broke up.

That means your going in circles, unless you can get your head around the fact this relationship feels good on some level, but doesn't work on the level you want it to.

Okay, now you go back to your other life and build it to make you happy, and leave her in the past.........again. Sorry buddy, but now you will have to start the process over again, and cope with those old feelings being stirred up again.

At least your experience will (maybe) kick in, as you redo the process, and get past what's in her head, and deal with what's in yours, WITHOUT HER INFLUENCE.

Ehh it really isn't bugging like it did originally now I'm just curious

So what's your guy's advice to me is a couple getting back together never a good idea or what? What if anything would be the recipe for success what is the missing ingredient? Or what should I be looking for if she ever talks on a serious note?

The recipe for success is that both partners are willing to work together to solve their issues. Without that willingness, how can it work?

If one doesn't want to try, it really is over.

No, I don't think we are saying it's not a good idea, but to go off what Tal said, the person who made the move (breaker) needs to want to get back with the breakee, since it was that person who initiated the whole thing in the first place. The breakee usually wants to get back with that person, for the most part.

If both people are not willing to commit 100% toward working things out... then what's the point. You just end up repeating the cycle all over again.

The breakee cannot influence the breaker to take them back... the breaker must make that choice on there own. Couples don't get back together, because one of the people involved don't want to. You can have a relationship with one person doing all of the work.

That is why when someone breaks up with you, it is best for you to suck it up and move on. You, as the breakee, do not have the power to make the breaker come back. If you try, you usually re-enforce the breakers decision.

weird NC something's fishie O.o lolz I feel like sherlock holmes honestly I don't have as many feelings attached to this girl that I once did and I wouldn't even be talking about her right now if I didn't have a thread dedicated to this section of my life but anyway I haven't contacted her and vice versa and I'm definetely not going to make a move at all I honestly could care less unless she has some sort of epiphany to share with me but I'm still open to as you say "test the waters" and see what's up if I like what I see then ill go from there if I don't like what I see I will walk away and continue concentrating on bettering myself until a new relationship comes my way =/ just because I realize that I am in a weaker position as the breakee and yea... by the way you guys are really wise how old are you just curious?

I'm 26, and you are not necessarily in the weaker position. You can have all the power you want over her, by not allowing her to affect you in any way by cutting ties and moving on.

Most of what I've learned about this sort of things has been knowledge I've gather from others on this website.