First off, some of you may remember that my girlfriend and I split about 2 months ago and things are actually going well with that. No contact works wonders, though I still miss her from time to time.

So anyway, there's this girl I'm interested in. She's actually a friend of my friend's, and they hooked up before so it's going to be sloppy seconds, but whatever... she's a nice girl, and I like her... haha... I'm willing to look past this fact... lol.

The first time I met her was when me and my buddy went and helped her move her mattress and stuff into her new apartment. Since hooking up with her, my buddy finds this girl to be annoying and wants nothing to do with her but be a friend. So I end up talking to this girl and we hit it off... lots in common, I like her personality, the whole nine yards. Good stuff.

Then, this past weekend, I met her again. Me and my friend (same guy) went out with this other girl and this other guy, and the girl I like met up with us later on that night, so it was me, my friend, this other guy, and 2 girls. We had a beer each (so nobody was drunk) and went on the dance floor where we were dancing as a group and eventually me and this girl start dancing.

Now, I'm not a big club guy, so I don't know if this is normal, but she was pretty much all over me. We started giving each other some space, but then we moved in closer, she was feeling on my butt, my back, arms, chest, and she kind of snuggled her head into me. I had my head down by her neck too. At one point we kind of made eye contact while our foreheads touched and I asked her if she was having a good time and she says yeah. She's moving her hands all over me and so am I on her, really feeling it.

I was afraid to kiss or whatever because I didn't want it to blow up in my face in front of friends. But she didn't dance with anyone else and stayed with me the whole night.

Is there something here? Or am I just being too hopeful/naive?

Be hopeful :D this sounds good.

Im female and from personal experience I wouldn't dance with I guy the way she did if I didn't fancy him 1 bit.

When I first meet my hubby that's how it started in clubs, we would dance so close together, and I wouldn't dance with any other guy and vice-versa.
He was scared to kiss me for the same reasons you gave (so he tells me now hehe) and even I was scared to do so for exactly the same reason. No one likes to be rejected and ESP in front of people and friends.

I would count this as a good start, go with flow BUT don't rush. When the right time comes to try kiss you WILL know it :)

Good Luck.

If you were with your friend, and your friend ditched her, and she's all over you, in front of him... Well, I guess be optimistic - but maybe she's trying make a point?

If you were with your friend, and your friend ditched her, and she's all over you, in front of him... Well, I guess be optimistic - but maybe she's trying make a point?

Well, here is where it gets a bit complicated. See, the girl who I like just hooked up with my friend randomly one night when they were both drunk. No attraction there whatsoever. Furthermore, this girl set my buddy up with a girlfriend of hers, who was the second girl with us that night. Kind of confusing, but no, I doubt the girl I liked was trying to make my friend jealous.

Maybe she's just really touchy?

Don't analyze this so much. Go with the flow. If she doesn't like you, so what, you've only hung out thrice. If she does, awesome.

If you think too much, analyze so much, this early on, you'll blow it. Honestly, caution should only come if there is some major flag. This sounds pretty good. Also, GOING SLOW does not equal OVERANALYZE everything. Girls do that, much better than guys. So don't try it.

GO WITH THE FLOW!

Well it definitely seems like there is some interest there.

Im also glad that your feeling better.

But Pat, your still only 2 months out of a 6 year relationship. I know at this stage you are only dancing and having a good time. That's good. But Keep it that way.

Having been dumped by my 7 year girlfriend about 5 motnhs ago I know that after 2 months there was no way I could get into too much with another girl.. NO WAY!

Even now I don't really feel like it. Yeah sure after 2 months I was dancing and stuff with other girls and having a bit of fun, but never anything more.

I would really advice against going after this girl as far as looking for a relationshiop with her right now.

You need time to grieve.. let your emotion cal down. Work on yourself etc...

Sorry to bring all this up as I know it wasn't your question. But I just remember your first post and you were struggling a lot with your ex. Which is fair enough considering you were with her for 6 years.

For you to go after this new girl now I'm pretty sure it would just be some rebound thing that would end messy and you will end up back at square one.

So go with the flow here but also go REAL SLOW.

You still need time to get over your ex. I don't think 3 months after a 6 year relationship is enough.

But if it is only danicng and having a good time and both parties know and understand that then that's OK! As long as that is all it is and she knows it as well!

Well it definitely seems like there is some interest there.

Im also glad that your feeling better.

But Pat, your still only 2 months out of a 6 year relationship. I know at this stage you are only dancing and having a good time. Thats good. but Keep it that way.

Having been dumped by my 7 year gf about 5 motnhs ago i know that after 2 months there was no way i could get into too much with another girl.. NO WAY!!

Even now i dont really feel like it. Yeah sure after 2 months i was dancing and stuff with other girls and having a bit of fun, but never anything more.

I would really advice against going after this girl as far as looking for a relationshiop with her right now.

You need time to grieve.. let your emotion cal down. work on yourself etc....

Sorry to bring all this up as i know it wasnt your question. But i just remember your first post and you were struggling alot with your ex. Which is fair enough considering you were with her for 6 years.

For you to go after this new girl now im pretty sure it would just be some rebound thing that would end messy and you will end up back at square one.

So go with the flow here but also go REAL SLOW.

you still need time to get over your ex. I dont think 3 months after a 6 year relationship is enough.

But if it is only danicng and having a good time and both parties know and understand that then thats ok! as long as that is all it is and she knows it as well!

I know I overanalyze things WAY too much. Obsessively so. And that's why I'm posting my weird thoughts online, so people in real life won't look at me and think I'm a girl in disguise... lol. :)

Yeah, I'm not looking for a relationship with this girl. Nor was I with that other girl I met 2 weeks ago. By the way, I stopped talking to that other girl. After a few conversations, I wasn't attracted anymore... lol... wasn't much "up there"... haha.

This new girl though, she's a bit more interesting. More brains, more perk, more personality... good stuff. If anything, I'd like to go on a few dates or whatever, just let her know somehow that I'm interested, and not just the asexual guy that visits my buddy in the city every weekend.

The question is how to play this right. Yes, go slow of course, but how should I do it.. What does feel it out mean? Like, next time we are dancing close or whatever, make eye contact and just go in for a kiss?

Remember, RELATIONSHIPS are serious, sometimes good, sometimes bad. DATING is fun. You're DATING now. Have fun. Let her ask the questions about where things are going. She will. If you guys date for awhile, she will. At that time, you must be honest and tell her about your baggage, if she already doesn't know.

Right now, you're dating, kiss, have fun, DON'T BE TOO SERIOUS. Don't think too much. HAVE FUN. She sounds like she's just having fun too. Enjoy it.

Just be fun, Be yourself, make her laugh. Smile.

This should be completely fun.

Go in for the kiss. If she pulls away who cares. Just laugh! No loss to you. There are heaps of girls that would die for a kiss with you.

You're the MAN. Play it cool, be fun and I'm sure everything will go good.

Just don't think too much and watch not to get caught up in it all and then the next thing your in a relationship that you can't control or slow down.

Now that would end badly for sure! And it isn't fun as you know!

Hmm... I have to laugh. But, while dating and going slow, just make sure you don't hurt this chic. I'd say teach her something. That is what has always made me like a guy. If a guy can teach me something, cool or useful, make her feel smart, some girls are smart and know it, many don't. Keep her laughing, but not obviously so, obvious trying too hard guys can be cute for a moment but grow old fast. When in doubt wait it out, go slow... when a guy moves too fast, I think he is just about sex and doesn't care about me, but if you move too slow I think He isn't attracted to me. Don't wait 3 days to call. Call when you say you will call. If you say I'll call you tomorrow, then call tomorrow. IF you say soon, then call soon. There is nothing more irritating than when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. A lot of chiks (blame the media) have poorer self esteem than we may always let on. Move slow, take your time, have fun. Maybe don't go for a make out kiss? Maybe a simple kiss on the lips, then wait for her to respond. IF you do this too soon you will probably freak her out. (if she is like me).
Don't panic. This sounds good so far. Just be careful, move cautiously, and go with the flow.

Given your history the worst thing you could do is jump into a serious relationship. Dating is for fun and seeing if the two of you are a good fit. Most of all fun,which means enjoying going and doing things you like. Why is she the only one your dating? Do I see You obsessing over her in a couple of weeks or can you take it as it comes?

I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I don't think suggested that I was...

Anyway, I'm not even dating this girl. I basically met her once, met her twice, and on the second time, we danced and got kind of close and I was just wondering if it meant anything or if it was just dancing. That's all I wanted to know.

If it's more than "just dancing" I'd like to know what I should do to make a move and turn this into fun, carefree dating. That's what I need advice on.

But I understand all of your concerns, and agree 100%. There is no way in hell I'm getting into a relationship anytime soon. Probably not for a year... lol.

Make sure you stay in control and set the pace be fun but stay honest. Not good to lead a good girl on.

I know I overanalyze things WAY too much. Obsessively so. And that's why I'm posting my wierd thoughts online, so people in real life won't look at me and think I'm a girl in disguise...lol. :)
?

Ha! I'm so emotional that I've often wondered if my brain was supposed to be programmed to be a woman's and I was a guy in disquise.

A little update...

So last night, I was sitting online, and all of a sudden I get an IM from this girl. Only reason why I knew it was her was because I've seen her screen name in her Facebook profile, and I guess she saw my screen name in my profile. So she decided to randomly IM me... good thing I guess right, since she's initiating conversation...

We talk about random stuff, our career goals, her friends back in California, etc, and I ask her what she's doing tomorrow night, and it turns out that both of us had made plans to go to this girl's housewarming party. So I suppose I'm seeing this girl tonight and see where it goes from here.

I think this is good... right?

BTW, the other girl I met (the one I met in the club) asked me to go over her dorm tomorrow night to drink and watch movies and she asked me if I wanted to sleep over but I turned it down and said let's just keep it to the bar/club scene for now so we can get to know each other better. I guess we'll see where that one goes too.

Some of you may think I'm doing very well, and in some ways I guess I am, having TWO girls that I can "work on" at the same time. But I will say that I've never felt more guilty and just downright depressed in my entire life. It's messed up.

Dude you have to get over that guilt/depression stuff by way of a doctor or FUN, I mean there are some that would kill for your life. Shake it up man.

Dude you have to get over that guilt/depression stuff by way of a doctor or FUN, I mean there are some that would kill for your life. Shake it up man.

I will try to relax and have fun tonight. This is all just very new to me. Before I met my girlfriend, I was very shy and introverted. She kind of brought me out of my shell a bit, but still, I am a little behind socially. I don't look that bad, since I workout and stuff, and I can be funny when I'm around people I know, so I guess I don't have a problem attracting girls... but keeping them interested... that's another story.

I'm a guy who has the body of a 22 year old (which I am 22 btw), but with the social and dating skills of a 16 year old...

May I suggest less party more constructive activity. I know 22 is that age but volunteering for something worth while will boost the self-esteem 100 notches and I don't know your personal habits but alcohol IS a depressant. Balance your life and see if you feel better, you know a different crowd, places. And stop worrying everything will come together.

I know I overanalyze things WAY too much. Obsessively so. And that's why I'm posting my wierd thoughts online, so people in real life won't look at me and think I'm a girl in disguise...lol. :)

Yeah, I'm not looking for a relationship with this girl. Nor was I with that other girl I met 2 weeks ago. By the way, I stopped talking to that other girl. After a few conversations, I wasn't attracted anymore...lol...wasn't much "up there"...haha.

This new girl though, she's a bit more interesting. More brains, more perk, more personality...good stuff. If anything, I'd like to go on a few dates or whatever, just let her know somehow that I'm interested, and not just the asexual guy that visits my buddy in the city every weekend.

The question is how to play this right. Yes, go slow of course, but how should I do it...? What does feel it out mean? Like, next time we are dancing close or whatever, make eye contact and just go in for a kiss?
If you aren't looking to catch a fish, then why are you fishing? See, the thing is you aren't right with you, and until you are right with you, you won't be right with someone else. And someone else can't make you right either. It really is just that simple. And all the over analyzing, sifting through the soap opera and acquiring dating techniques in the world isn't going to change you either... and I would be willing to bet some part of you knows it too when you stop running from yourself long enough to listen. You lost a long term relationship and you still need to find out why. It is important to know what your part in it was.

In the period of grieving that follows that loss, you have a goldren opportunity to do some really honest soul searching. This time is an invitation to learn some things about yourself and the world and catch up that 16 year old on some very important things. So that when you do return to the land of the dating, you are more whole, more healed and in better shape than before. Or you can ignore all this, look to distract yourself to avoid any of this process, learn nothing and take into the next real relationship all this unfinished business. Your choice.

Excellent advice Val, I think you deserve at least a hundred greenies for that but I can only applaud---clapity clap clap. The gent could do well to heed every word you said.

I will try to relax and have fun tonight. This is all just very new to me. Before I met my girlfriend, I was very shy and introverted. She kinda brought me out of my shell a bit, but still, I am a little behind socially. I don't look that bad, since I workout and stuff, and I can be funny when I'm around people I know, so I guess I don't have a problem attracting girls...but keeping them interested...that's another story.

I'm a guy who has the body of a 22 year old (which I am 22 btw), but with the social and dating skills of a 16 year old...

Pat, I'm going to be 30 in December and I have the social skills of a 16 year old. I'm so hard headed I'm just figuring it out now. I wish I had a forum like this 10 or even 15 years ago. The funny thing is I've had some very attractive and very interesting women approach me (as I've been to afraid to approach them) over the years and I've just never known what to say. Finally looking back now, I've realized that I've chased many away by my words or actions in an attempt to have them like me. The worst part is as I've looked back thinking how stupid some of the things I did must have appeared to them. I was a total wuss being pushed over by these women. Please learn now. I'd seriously give thousands of dollars to be able to be 22 and have the kind of outlet that you have now. I know this sounds like a parent saying this but 22 is so young. You have no idea how much your going to learn and how much living you have ahead of you for the next 8 years. Don't be beating yourself up at 22 for not "getting it" because I'm just starting to at 30.

As others are going to tell you, take things slow and easy and get to know her little by little. Limit your contact with her and the time you spend together. Keep in mind that your friend has already given you a heads-up that she's "annoying." Granted, you don't have to make all your decisions based on other peoples' opinions ; you're certainly free to form your own. However, you might want to have a heart-to-heart chat with your friend and grill him a little and find out as much as you can about her. That might alert you to some red flags to watch out for.

I have been trying to express what Val said in her post all along.
Brilliant Val. Just Brilliant.
Pat read it over and over.
There is a lot for you to think about if you are honest with yourself!!

I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I don't think I suggested that I was...But I understand all of your concerns, and agree 100%. There is no way in hell I'm getting into a relationship anytime soon. Probably not for a year...lol.
So tell me Pat, since you are looking... I mean what happens when you meet some amazingly nice girl that you dated but oops, didn't mean to. Are you telling her, "wait, I'm not ready, you'll have to wait a year for me????"

And then we get a post from some genuinely sad girl asking if we can help her sort out what this really really wonderful guy said about having to wait when she doesn't understand what went wrong, except his ex called and he just isn't himself anymore??

I mean, it just happens that way or what?

I hope you don't think I am kidding here...

Is it just me or are all the young people thinking about is hooking up and partying? I wish I had that luxury when I was young. I've been working and in school since I was 16 and even when I could date I got dumped for one reason or another but hell, I was to busy to really have time to sit on a pity pot or think up ways to get her back, there was just too much to doand places to be and people to see.. Just don't ask me about the 80's I really ain't to sharp about that decade, but the point is where do the youngsters even find the time for all these crazy relationships? Sorry I'm just feeling OLD.

End of rant back to normal programming

Im 23 Tal, and I'm like you. Been working and studying since the age of 16. And I don't really have time for all these "crazy" relationships. And so far I haven't had any. Only the one long term partner of 7 years..
But now I'm single and had a couple of completely innocent dates, I do have to agree. It definitely seems crazy and it is something that I guess I will have to deal with.
Having been with the one girlfriend from the age of 16 until just recently I suppose I'm a little out of touch. But I certainly don't like what I see so far.

I have had a couple of dates so far since breaking up with my ex. This is simply to meet new people and enjoy a females company. I have been completely honest with them about my situation from the begginning. But it seems to have to be one extreme or the other. They want me to be in a full blown relationship from day 1 with them which, I can't give now. I tell them this and they still won't listen and expect a full commitment so I have no option but to run!
It is insane.
It seems to be the case here with Pat as far as his thoughts towards girls.
My mates are the same and they always seem to be jumping from girl to girl and it never lasts.
SLOW IS THE GO! Its just hard finding someone who also has this philosophy from what I can see!

Here is a little update guys...

Saturday night we were at this girl's house watching college football, cuddled up on the couch. After the game was over, we left the rest of the crowd for some privacy up on the rooftop, where we talked some more and she asked me to keep her warm as we watched the skyline of the city and the stars and whatnot... lol. She asked me to walk her back to her apartment which was 30 min away and we talked the whole way, holding hands, etc. She invites me in for the night.

So we're sitting there, completely sober (we both only had 2 beers the whole night) and just talking about everything. Turns out we had so much in common and then some... we agreed on various social viewpoints, logic, and other beliefs. I felt like I had known her for years.

She tells me that she liked me when we first met several weeks ago when I helped her move stuff with a friend of mine for her new apartment. She added that she thought I was different because I didn't rush her into making out and that I wasn't aggressive. She said she felt comforable around me, etc. Good stuff.

After several hours of talking, I give her a kiss and say something like "that wasn't rushed, was it?" She says no, gets on me, and we make out and feel each other up and down and whatever for the rest of the night, sleeping for a few minutes in between. She tells me that if I didn't stop kissing her neck that I'd better be prepared for the "consequences"... lol. So I stopped, because I didn't want to have sex, and we keep going, doing what we've been doing.

We finally get up around 10am, and go out for pancakes. Then we walked back to my buddy's place to get my stuff and so I can shower, and we go back to her apartment with my friend and some of her friends, and we all watch the Pats game while she cuddled up to me in front of everyone.

I had to leave after the game, so we exchange numbers and she says she wants to have sushi with me mid week in the city. When I get home and sign online, I put up an away message and she IMs me right away and says something like sweet dreams, I'll talk to you soon.

I didn't reply to her IM right away, but the next day we chatted a bit after I got back from work and we talked about our days, the presidential speech, etc.

What is going on here? What's next? Should I be worried about codependency issues between myself or her? She knows about my ex... and actually a lot more about me since I guess she's done her research.

Please advise...

??

First of all, is this your first time to have a girl friend? Secondly, just think how your prior relationship ended. Would you want to have the same retrospective? And most of all you should be enthusiastic... it's hopeful and there's nothing to worry about. There might be chances that both of you will tend to like too much of each other. However, codependecy is always part of the equation unless you want to just sleep with her. I think both of you are on the same new territory. I wouldn't be alarmed if she wants to have sushi with you. Take it as a positive step. Forget the past. Always good to start fresh if you really want the person.

I think you should leave the ladies alone period if you cannot get past the lust and be straight up honest. If you don't have the confidence to date and have fun you shouldn't do it. If you cannot handle lust then you should not date. If you cannot be honest and stand your ground in the wake of that lust don't date. If it is fun your looking for and lust, I think any one can understand as long as your honest and up front so open your mouth before you open her legs and make sure she isn't some poor insecure female who will stalk you and rip up your clothes if she doesn't get what she wants. Set the pace if they can't follow or can't fit move on.

Couldn't rep you tal but well said.

Pat, just by the questions you are asking here, you aren't ready. This isn't fun for you. You are so stressed and worried about all this that it is a sign that you aren't ready.

And that's only what people have been trying to tell you from your first thread. The thread where you told us that you were dumped after 6 years, 2 months later found a new girl and felt worse.

Same storey. 6 years is a long time. You should still in a way be grieving that and getting over that. Learning about yourself again.
Sure have a few dates but don't be getting so uptight and serious about things so quick.

I personally think you need a bit of time just for yourself. No girls. Learn to enjoy your own company and learn a bit about yourself that you may have lost in that 6 years.

Read my first thread for a similar experience to you. Its been 6 months now and I'm feeling so much better. After 3 months I was no hope of getting into anything else. Im still not really, but I learnt so much about myself in this period and I'm actually learning to love myself again after hating myself just after the break up. It took TIME though!

Reflect on what went wrong in the last relationship and see how you could have done things better.
Or you know what will happen? You will rush in with this new girl, it will be amazing for about 6 months and then you will be back on here asking us again why you aren't happy or why she has left you.

We see it time and again.

Don't say you weren't warned though!

BUt if you do want to pursue things with her, please please just go slow and still take some time for yourself.

Couldnt rep ya tal but well said.

Pat, just by the questions you are asking here, you arent ready. this isnt fun for you. You are so stressed and worried about all this that it is a sign that you arent ready.

And thats only what people have been trying to tell you from your first thread. The thread where you told us that you were dumped after 6 years, 2 months later found a new girl and felt worse.

Same storey. 6 years is a long time. You should still in a way be grieving that and getting over that. Learning about yourself again.
Sure have a few dates but dont be getting so uptight and serious about things so quick.

I personally think you need a bit of time just for yourself. No girls. Learn to enjoy your own company and learn a bit about yourself that you may have lost in that 6 years.

Read my first thread for a similar experience to you. Its been 6 months now and im feeling so much better. After 3 months i was no hope of getting into anything else. Im still not really, but i learnt so much about myself in this period and im actually learning to love myself again after hating myself just after the break up. It took TIME though!

Reflect on what went wrong in the last relationship and see how you could have done things better.
Or you know what will happen?? You will rush in with this new girl, it will be amazing for about 6 months and then you will be back on here asking us again why you arent happy or why she has left you.

We see it time and again.

Dont say you werent warned though!

BUt if you do want to pursue things with her, please please just go slow and still take some time for yourself.

What do you mean by going slow? Do you mean holding off on sex? Or just like, don't be calling her every day or hanging out every week?

Basically, don't treat her like the immediate replacement for my ex and expect her to pick up where we left off?

If you have sex don't mistake lust for love and just cause this female gives you a lot of good attention, don't start moving your stuff over to her place. She can be part of your life but not all of it, keep yourself balanced between the other parts of your life and her and by no means smother her with calls or see her all day everyday you do have a life remember.Give as much attention to the other things in your life, job,school,family,friends,hobbies as you do to her,BALANCE!! And above all do not sit by the phone and chew your nails waiting for her to call. Pay attention to how she treats and reacts to you so you can give equally. If its all you, a bad sign. Don't tell your life story all at once give a little take a little and listen don't just hear, remember she is watching you. Never let them see you sweat -COMMUNICATE, utmost is believe in yourself so you don't fall for anything CONFIDENCE... (that will be a $50 consultation fee... cash please)

If you have sex don't mistake lust for love and just cause this female gives you a lot of good attention, don't start moving your stuff over to her place. She can be part of your life but not all of it, keep yourself balanced between the other parts of your life and her and by no means smother her with calls or see her all day everyday you do have a life remember.Give as much attention to the other things in your life, job,school,family,friends,hobbies as you do to her,BALANCE!!!! And above all do not sit by the phone and chew your nails waiting for her to call. Pay attention to how she treats and reacts to you so you can give equally. If its all you, a bad sign. Don't tell your life story all at once give alittle take a little and listen don't just hear, remember she is watching you. Never let em see you sweat -COMMUNICATE, utmost is believe in yourself so you don't fall for anything CONFIDENCE.......(that will be a $50 consultation fee....cash please)

Oh, I'm doing pretty damn good so far... hehe. I don't initiate contact all the time, and I definitely play the whole "give and take" thing. It's not all me, so don't worry... I'm not being some sad little puppy dog, following her around.

What I didn't understand about your post was the lust/love thing. See, me being totally new at this, my impression is that this girl wants me, and me only. She wants to date me, and possibly start a relationship.

BUT... and this is a big BUT...

I imagine things are different at this age (22-25) and it's not just about tapping a girl on the shoulder at the school dance, getting her number, taking her to the movies, and boom- you are girlfriend and boyfriend.

I make myself nervous when I think of "what we have" and I keep telling myself you have nothing, and just go out and have fun... carefree, get-to-know-each-other, baggage-free fun.

It takes a while to tell the difference, but when the lust is gone and there is nothing else the relationship fizzles. When its love there will be a lot of other things that will keep the relationship alive. That's one reason you take your time and go slow to find out is it love or just sex and the other things between you that spark the relationship. Sometimes the lust last forever but the relationship is otherwise dead.

It takes a while to tell the difference, but when the lust is gone and there is nothing else the relationship fizzles. When its love there will be a lot of other things that will keep the relationship alive. Thats one reason you take your time and go slow to find out is it love or just sex and the other things between you that spark the relationship. Sometimes the lust last forever but the relationship is otherwise dead.

Whoa... please don't use the word "relationship"... lol... not ready for that now, nor will I be even several more months from now.

I only want to date this new girl and just kind of be friends I guess. I've told her this already, and she's cool with it. If in time, we both feel that we want more of a commitment then fine, but as of now, we've only seen each other 3 times over the course of a month, with the third time getting a little hot and heavy... hehe.

She asked me if we're still going out to dinner tonight, so I guess that's a good sign- she's still interested and eager to go out. I think I'll make good on my initial suggestion for dinner... lol.

I want to take a good month or two and get to know her on little dates like this... keeping things short.

I was thinking one really good date would be to take her for a day trip to NYC since she's never been to New York before. But I won't get ahead of myself... we'll see how dinner does tonight.

Well that sounds good Pat,

You asked what I meant by taking it slow and what Tal's answer said was spot on. Reasd tal's post for what taking it slow means.

But it seems as though you are doing this.
Seeing her 3 times in a months is definitely not breaking any speed dating records so good for you.

As long as you have told her your situation and been honest that right now you aren't looking for a relationship and she is fine with that then all well and good.

You seem to have a good handle on things. Little dates everynow and then to get to know her. I like your thinking and I'm sure everyone else here would suggest you do it this way. But keep it this way for while. Im sure she will enjoy her time with you a lot more if it isn't so frequent!

So don't fall into the trap of speeding things up out of lust for her. Keep it at a pace your comfortable with and keep being honest with her and you'll go fine!

Remember though that you still have a lot of learning to do about yourself at this stage. Don't forget YOU!!

As has been said before, just continue to take things slow and easy. Don't rush and don't ever become needy or clingy. Have a life that doesn't just revolve around her. It sounds like you're off to a good start so just continue to keep things on an even keel.

You are on the right track! I bet you are better than some of this guys here. Just teasing.

Sit on it for a while, if she does it again while he is there, I'd question it.

Ok guys, here's an update on last night:

We met up around 8pm as planned, and I take her to this sushi place I used to go to a lot in my undergrad years and we order a few rolls and talk about school, work, etc. This girl came with an appetite, which was awesome, but I also came with a budget, so I kept it under $50... haha. After sushi, we walk for a little bit and go to this dessert place and order some cheesecake... good stuff.

So after we eat, we're walking around Harvard Square and I take her into the campus and up to the library steps where we kind of sat there and people watched while talking about various aspects of our childhoods, how growing up in the West coast is so different from the East, etc. We start kissing and making out and all the Harvard students are wishing they could be as fly as I am.

I ask her if she wants to get going, so we go back to her place. Her room mate was sleeping so we couldn't watch TV, so we go into her room, sit on her bed, and start talking about random stuff again. She's kind of cuddled up to me, stroking my leg, etc, everything is good. We start making out again, getting all hot and heavy like last weekend and she jumps off me real quick and dims the light and says, "well now, since I'm having you over, we don't need these bright lights now, do we?"

I knew those words were trouble, so I kind of toned it down a bit. That didn't work. She takes of her shirt and sticks her chest right into my face, so I'm kissing on her and stuff and really starting to want to bang her.

... but I didn't... call me ghey.

So I slowed down the pace of things, and instead of all out making out, I just kind of kissed her forehead, etc and we just laid there until 2am, and I drove home.

She asked me to go salsa dancing with her on Saturday, and made me promise to stay over Sat night... I agreed.

Sounds like a good night right? But I am getting confused and worried. I mean, what does this girl want? Does she only want to have sex? I kind of wish she'd go a bit slower... I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable. She acts like she wants to be girlfriend material... she's unbelievably affectionate and romantic, yet she keeps pushing for sex.

All jokes and insults aside, am I just too prude? Is this how dating works when you're 22? One month and boom, you're supposed to have sex? I wasn't planning on making out with her until 2 months into it...

There arnt many guys like you about ;)
And I mean that in a very good way

I've just never been the type of guy who is interested only in sex. It's weird, but if you gave me a choice between spending a night in bed with a girl, or a night out in town with that same girl, I'd pick the night out in town. Not to say that I'm a hopeless romantic or whatever, and I certainly don't think life is like a movie, but I just... I don't know, I like to really get to know someone, and feel a genuine emotional connection before I can make that physical connection.

This girl is just really making things hard for me, considering the fact that I'm coming out of a 6-year relationship. Believe it or not, but I've already learned a lot about myself, and am more comfortable in my own skin, by myself. I don't need anybody to be happy.

I like her though... and for some strange reason, she's really into me. I've never had a girl show so much interest in me in such a short period. Maybe it's a combination of semi-low self esteem, lack of experience, or whatever, but she makes me feel uncomfortable... like I'm the girl who's being rushed...

All I want to do when I stay over Saturday night is cuddle up, stay up talking, and fall asleep together... that's it. I really don't want to do anything sexual for a long time... I don't know why, just is. I want to take her to NYC in a few weeks or maybe hiking because she's from cali and she's never been to New York or the east coast for that matter.

With my previous girlfriend, I didn't kiss her for 2 months, and we didn't have sex until 2 years into the relationship (we were both 19 when we first did it). It's not that I don't have a sex drive... I do. I'm just not someone who wants to screw every girl that comes my way. I have more respect for people than that.

That's very nice, at least you show a great deal of respect for the opposite sex.
Probably you may be comparing this girl with your ex. I could be wrong, but we are all individuals.

Are you maybe scared of having sex with another 'new' women?

Thats very nice, at least you show a great deal of respect for the opposite sex.
Probably you may be comparing this girl with ur ex. I could be wrong, but we are all individuals.

Are you maybe scared of havin sex with another 'new' women?

I'm not scared of sex. I'm not scared of sex with new women. That isn't the case here.

I just don't feel "right". It's almost like I couldn't live with myself if I just went out and did that. Granted, women have needs like men, and sometimes a woman just wants those needs met, but I still can't help to think of the fact that every girl is someone's sister, daughter, or future wife, and even if the girl wants a guy she hardly knows to have sex with her, I don't want to be that guy... I'd rather let someone else do it and have it on their concience.

Am I weird? Or just overly nice?

I do want to have sex with this girl... I think it would be great. But I think it'll be phenomenal if we had more of an emotional connection beforehand.

Of course I compare this girl to my ex, but not substantially. I'll think little things like, oh, this girl eats red meat and fish... my ex didn't. This girl likes to go to the gym... my ex didn't. Stuff like that. But in general, I tend to go for the same type of girls, so they all end up being somewhat similar.

This girl is the closest I've ever been to reaching my ideal... she's a brunette, just a little shorter than me, very smart, well educated (went to great schools), athletic, very talkative, loves to eat... it's awesome so far. Of course, she'll have flaws but so far so good.

Well pattie I think you have something to work on yourself before going with another person. According to you:

This girl is just really making things hard for me, considering the fact that I'm coming out of a 6-year relationship. Believe it or not, but I've already learned a lot about myself, and am more comfortable in my own skin, by myself. I don't need anybody to be happy.

If there's something that is holding you then don't pursue. I'm quite confused with you it seems like you are not either sure what you want. You seem more untrustworthy towards anybody or vice versa. You can't just want a girl and let them do and fulfill your wishes. They have emotions and common sense too. I think you just expect too much. Like I do. We should both work on that. It's hard to limit your options though once you have that certain goal. That's why I always wanted to get married young because I'm hopelessly devoted romantic girl.

well pattie I think you have something to work on yourself before going with another person. according to you:

This girl is just really making things hard for me, considering the fact that I'm coming out of a 6-year relationship. Believe it or not, but I've already learned alot about myself, and am more comfortable in my own skin, by myself. I don't need anybody to be happy.

if there's something that is holding you then don't pursue. I'm quite confused with you it seems like you are not either sure what you want. You seem more untrustworthy towards anybody or vice versa. You can't just want a girl and let them do and fulfill your wishes. They have emotions and common sense too. I think you just expect too much. Like I do. We should both work on that. It's hard to limit your options tho once you have that certain goal. That's why I always wanted to get married young coz I'm hopelessly devoted romantic girl.

There's nothing holding me back. This girl and I both want the same thing... it's just that she's a lot more aggressive than I could ever be.

The thing is, if she just wants to have sex with me and be over it, I'm not going to do that. She can find some other random guy at a bar.

I just want to take things slower and go out on more dates and just talk more about ourselves and learn more. I don't quite know who she is yet, so I can't really tell if I like HER, or just like the novelty of the situation. See, this is why I want to go real slow... so I can feel things out and understand what it is I'm feeling, and what it is that I want.

She's just rushing me into these decisions that I'm not ready to make.

Is there any way I can ask her to slow things down without losing her interest?

Actions speak louder than words and if you are less available especially at her house or her bedroom then she really cannot do a lot of physical stuff now can she. Moving at your own pace means that you take control of the how, why, and where and balancing your life is a priority now so do so and cut the physical contact down with this female. I applaud you for being who you are and checking things out for more than just a booty call but you must also be honest and find out what she wants, really wants . She may just want your body. Talk and communicate but watch the situations she puts you in.

Actions speak louder than words and if you are less available especially at her house or her bedroom then she really cannot do a lot of physical stuff now can she. Moving at your own pace means that you take control of the how, why, and where and balancing your life is a priority now so do so and cut the physical contact down with this female. I applaud you for being who you are and checking things out for more than just a booty call but you must also be honest and find out what she wants, really wants . She may just want your body. Talk and communicate but watch the situations she puts you in.

Heh, well I'm glad 2 years of serious working out and 40 pounds of extra muscle mass has had its effect!

I doubt she wants me for my body... she hasn't even seen it yet. I haven't taken any clothes off for her, etc. But yeah, it takes two to tango, and I am guilty of willingly placing myself in "bad" situations.

She likes you. Maybe you should hang out with her a few more times, see how she acts with other guys. And don't fret about not kissing her, from a female point of view, it would intrigue me even more. And it would also say that you had some respect. Good luck! ;)

So this past weekend, I hung out with this girl again, and had an awesome time. We went out to dinner with her friends, (it was me and about 8-10 other girls- I felt like a pimp ahha) and then dancing afterwards at a ballroom dance club... I've always been into ballroom dancing... call me strange.

Anyway,

We got back to her place around midnight and got ready for bed, did the whole making out thing we've been doing so far, and stopped to talk after an hour or so...

We had a serious conversation about what we expected of each other, and I brought up how I felt kind of uncomfortable with her since I felt she was rushing things and we also talked about my ex! I didn't go into detail, but I did tell the truth. I told her that my ex and I were basically a high school thing taken too far for the sake of comfort. The hardest part of the whole conversation was when we were lying there with her head on my chest and she looks at me and says "i don't think i'm ready to be your rebound girl" and I couldn't look at her after she said that so I just stared off into the wall and told her "you won't ever have to be ready to do that...i promise i won't hurt you"... then she says, "but you will...it's just a matter of time"

That part of the conversation really sucked. I really don't want to hurt this girl, but to be honest, I don't know if I can be 100% certain I won't. She also told me that she's getting attached to me and that she really likes me.

We fell asleep around 2, but woke up early the next morning and messed around some more, this time going as far as touching each other "down there" and she asked me "are you comfortable?" and I said yes, and that made me feel really good that she understood how I wanted to go slow.

The next morning we walked to the grocery store and bought some food and I made breakfast for her and her suite mates. She paid for the food since I paid for dinner the other night, so in that regard, I think she's pretty cool. The whole paying thing got us into a discussion about chivalry which I thought was pretty funny.

She says I'm different than most guys because I asked her the question, "how are you feeling right now? tell me what you're thinking about" she said most guys never ask a question like that. OH well.

It seems to me that its going pretty smoothly, which is grand.

You are talking and communicting with no other in which this will prove that you are getting to know each other the best way you can.

I would take things slowly, now that you both know where you stand, keep things the way they are, and I think all should be fine ;)

Looks like your having fun ,but do not neglect other parts of your life and every now and then step back and take an honest look at where you are. Where you want to be.

Looks like your having fun ,but do not neglect other parts of your life and every now and then step back and take an honest look at where you are. where you want to be.

Oh yes, that's the other thing we talked about. We both agreed that our own lives and careers came first. She basically told me that her course work is the only thing holding her back from "giving all she wants to give" in a relationship with me.

I cannot be in a relationship right now for different reasons, but I like how this girl has her head on straight and knows her priorities as do I. This was a funny/wierd conversation but we also talked about how we know so many people getting married already and neither of us want marriage in our lives until we're 30. Kind of a strange conversation to be having, but it was cool how we agreed on so many aspects of life.

By Pat-

I cannot be in a relationship right now for different reasons,

If its not a relationship (sounds like it is) it certainly seems to be the beginnins of one. Don't freak though, many longtime ones start like this. (mine did):)

Slow and steady.:D

Val and Tal- Tried to rate you for the outstanding responses you are giving to Pat, just outstanding!

Pat, you keep saying over and over that you are not looking to get into a relationship, but you kind of already are, aren't you? And if you aren't looking to get into a relationship, than why worry about what steps to take next? She is occupying more time, effort and emotion than you care to admit, and that would be okay if you weren't 2 months out of long term relationship. She also seems to act contrary to what she has said, she is taking it a little fast too. I know if feels good, and fun, but slow down. Take a good hard look at who and what you're getting into. Prioritize your life and if its meant to be, she will fall into place, you won't have to worry about what to do next because it will come naturally.

Couldn't rep mom but YES.

I have been trying to express this to pat all along here.
I want him to really assess if he is ready. Are you ready pat. You keep saying you aren't ready for a relationship but you are doing everyhting you can to start one really.

Im not trying to be negative. Who knows if you do go further this girl she may one day be your wife.

But right now you don't sound so sure about anything. You are confused and scared. Which you should be.

I still can't believe that after 2 MONTHS after a 6 YEAR relationship that your OK to go again.

WOW, I'm 6 months out of a 7 year thing and no where near being ready. My life is good, I'm getting happier and I'm learning to love myself again but I'm not readu for someone else to love me. Not yet.

Please think about things long and hard so you don't hurt her and you. After all you said it yourself. You are already doubting yourself and thinking that you are going to hurt her.

If I do hurt her, it won't be because I go back to my ex, or wish to go back to her. If I hurt it, it will be because I realize one day that I still want to be single and date around.

About my ex...

I haven't posted much about her, but I really don't think about her much anymore. I didn't think of her at all, even before I met this new girl. I basically went through a period (1 month) of severe withdrawl, and then, all was clear and done.

It's funny, but a breakup with my ex was what I wanted all along. It's been like a breath of fresh air. I did a lot of thinking, and realized that I stopped loving her after 2 years together, and we simply hung on for comfort and fear of hurt and being alone.

I enjoy being alone, but it's fun to date around and make a surface level connection with another person. For a month, this is what I did- I met a girl at a club, and I met this girl through a friend when we helped her move.

This girl just happened to grow on me. I was already in a stable and happy state, emotionally and mentally free of my ex. Thus, I opened up and talked to this girl. The more we talked, the more I started to like her.

I really like this girl now. We have so much in common, and she has the looks and morals I'm looking for. I never thought I'd say this, but my friends were right when they told me my ex wasn't perfect and that I could find someone better. It has already happened.

The thing I'm scared of is simply if I'm ready to be with one person again, or if I still need to go out there and explore. Currently, if you compare myself now to myself before, I am exploring- I'm exploring this new girl. But pretty soon, this new girl will want me to stop exploring her and settle with her, and stop exploring in general. This is where I think I may run into problems.

I've never been the type to have one night stands, so even if I didn't get into a relationship with this girl, I'd probably do the same thing I've been doing with her with another nice girl I meet. I generally go for a certain type, and any one of these types of girls can be a great match for me... thougn they are hard to come by.

This whole situation has simply been shocking, surprising, emotional, and beautiful. It's happened fast, but it feels right.

But one thing I know for sure is that I've moved on from my ex. Before I met this girl, I tried listening to our song and looking at our pictures and nothing happened. No emotions... just, good memories.

Pat, I only had to read your first line. Didn't need to read the rest about the ex.
I haven't for a minute suggested that you will want to go back to the ex. Not once. What I mean is that after along relationship of 6 years, people need time to grieve. They need time to get over it and learn about themselves and who they are. You need to reflect for a period I feel.

And YES, you need time to be single and date around. YES. That is what I have been trying to get at.
NOT that you will go back to the ex.

But if you feel that this is right and your ready than I will go with you.

I have just wanted you to consider the fact that you might not be ready to jump straight back in. You might need a little time to yourself.

After all you did come here saying how confused you were about your feelings because it was happening so quick.

We were only trying to offer suggestions as to why you might be feeling that and as Tal and Val also said it could be because you are jumping straight back in and moving to fast from relationship to relastionship.

There comes a time in every MAN'S life that he MUST make a decision and stand by it NO matter what else happens. When you do reach that point... Nothing else will matter except what you have to do.

Ok, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and we really have great chemistry. In the beginning (my earlier posts) she wanted to hook up with me. It all began when she asked me to go home with her one night after we both attended a party, and I basically refused her advances 3-4 times and treated her with respect.

Well, as time went on, and we went on more and more dates, she confessed to me that she has feelings for me now and really likes me. That's good, because I like her a lot too. So, this past weekend, I was ready for sex, because I felt comfortable around her and after a month of getting to know her, I felt that it would be OK. So I tell her this when we're messing around on Sat night and she says no!!

I was like, "huh?"

She told me that now it's different because she has feelings for me and she doesn't want to get hurt. This doesn't make any sense because she obviously had no problems hooking up with 2 guys before me, and now I go out of my way and am better and nicer than the other guys and I can't get sex?

Someone please explain what's going on here.

Take your time bro - it's OK? You should respect her and what she says. You'll get yours IF you're cool about it.

There is nothing wrong with respecting her wish... you don't want her toregret it, right? Take your time you have plenty of time to get your freak on! :) If you show her you are willing to wait and respect her wish to not have sex right away, She will get more comfortable with you! Show her you won't hurt her take it slow! Enjoy her! With guys sex is sex! With girls sex could be two things:
1) just sex (never as good as lovemaking)
2) lovemaking (sex with emothions or feelings)
If she likes you then you are going to have to show her that it would be a good decision to have sex with you not a mistake!
Treat her wth respect and you should be just fine!


I know I know Girls are extremely hard to learn but you will get it through experience!

What are you confused about? You said you respect her so go with the program and wait till she is ready. I suspect that you were ready and she wasn't, so slow down and be the gentlemen you say you are. She cares and doesn't want you to hurt her. She see's you as a future boyfriend ,not a roll in the sack, or a one night stand. If you can't handle it then be a man and move on now before you reek havoc on her life, or yours.

That doesn't really make sense...

Anyone would think she would be even happier to have sex with someone she actually likes, it really does make the whole process FEEL better!!

Its strange, because she's showing two very different sides, one that is the characteristics of a one night stander, casual sex, don't need feelings to feel comfortable, and the other is of a very "commited" person, who doesn't want to get hurt?! By having sex with someone who she feels might leave her afterwards... doesn't really makes sense.

All I can think is that if she was comfortable enough to have sex casually, and then not when feelings are involved, she's either VERY into you, and REALLY doesn't want you to leave (but why would you?)...

Or she heard a rumour you had Chlamydia or something.

Actually it does make sense in a strange way. She wanted to be with you right away, she was not looking for a relationship then, just someone to "hook up with" (as you guys say it now).

Now that she is having feelings she would like the same respect you gave her in the beginning. She may feel that you are treating her as a "lady" and not just another piece of meat. From your post that she was able to hook up with the last 2 guys it sounds as though they were either one-night-stands or VERY short relationships.

You are doing the right thing. You were not ready in the beginning, she is slowing down now. You have plenty of time to explore each other in the future. Just go with the flow for now.

That doesnt really make sence....

Anyone would think she would be even happier to have sex with someone she actually likes, it really does make the whole process FEEL better !!!!!

Its strange, because shes showing two very different sides, one that is the characteristics of a one night stander, casual sex, dont need feelings to feel comfortable, and the other is of a very "commited" person, who doesnt want to get hurt?!?!? by having sex with someone who she feels might leave her afterwards... doesnt really makes sence.

All I can think is that if she was comfortable enough to have sex casually, and then not when feelings are involved, shes either VERY into you, and REALLY doesnt want you to leave (but why would you?)....

or she heard a rumour you had Chlamydia or something.

I understand this train of thought, but it still doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, all of a sudden she has feelings for me so she doesn't want sex? You'd think it'd be the opposite?

Whatever, I don't really care about sex, its just that this caught me by surprised and made me develop a huge question mark over my head... lol.

Its not that she doesn't want sex, she is unsure if you'll respect her the next day. Or worse case she is luring you into her web. You know her better than we do so you will have to be the judge.

You can't think with logic. Doesn't work that way.
This isn't a bad thing. This is good.
Show her the same respect for her wishes as she showed you at the begginning.
She sounds like a good girl in a lot of ways so respect her.
If you can't do that then what I have thought all along may be true. You aren't ready for a relationship yet!

Sorry but ill take a lot of convincing that after a 6 year relationship ending 2 months ago that you are ready to have another. I hope you can prove me wrong!

Its not that she doesn't want sex, she is unsure if you'll respect her the next day. Or worse case she is luring you into her web. You know her better than we do so you will have to be the judge.

Luring me into her web? What do you mean by that? I mean, if she has bad intentions, what could they possibly be?

We don't know what her bad intentions could be... you know her and we don't.

Like T-Man said

"You know her better than we do, so you will have to be the judge."

You've been too much of a nice guy. Too much of a good thing is bad for relationships. In the future, don't refuse her advances if that's what you want. On the other hand, don't act like you want it so much, either. Make her pursue you. Don't plead with or cajole her but don't be stone cold either. At this point, just play it by ear. When she gives you signals that she's ready, go along with it.

You've been too much of a nice guy. Too much of a good thing is bad for relationships. In the future, don't refuse her advances if that's what you want. On the other hand, don't act like you want it so much, either. Make her pursue you. Don't plead with or cajole her but don't be stone cold either. At this point, just play it by ear. When she gives you signals that she's ready, go along with it.

Exactly what I'm thinking.

See, maybe it was a good thing that I refused sex earlier, because I liked her and wanted to get to know her better than just a random girl I had a one nighter with. By refusing her, I think I may have tripped the alarm in her head that says "this guy is different" and now she's changing her game too.

It does seem like we're heading towards a relationship and I'm OK with that. We have really good chemistry.

I understand this train of thought, but it still doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, all of a sudden she has feelings for me so she doesn't want sex? You'd think it'd be the opposite?

Whatever, I don't really care about sex, its just that this caught me by surprised and made me develop a huge question mark over my head...lol.

Really, I think it's just the usual psychological dynamic happening here, of wanting what you can't have.

In the beginning, she was coming on hot and heavy and he was restraining himself. That made her want it even more and come on all the more strongly. Now that he's indicated a desire to "go all the way", she suddenly backs off because now that it's available to her she doesn't want it, at least not as much as she did. That's why we keep constantly telling people here to back off and give space when they sense things are going sour in their relationships. The absence makes the heart grow fonder and serves to motivate the party that had previously been slacking. Suddenly interest level perks back up and things get brighter (assuming that the jilted party still wants the relationship to work out.) I think the same basic dynamic applies here. If she's backing off, then he needs to back off and make her miss him. That will probably light a fire under her, causing her to become more assertive and far less aloof. I know it sounds ironic, but to borrow Wildcat's expression, less truly is more.

Back off as in when I'm with her in bed? Like, tease her and just say "oh I'm tired...can we go to sleep?"

Or do you mean back off in general? I know it's never a good thing to smother someone, especially in the early stages of dating. It obviously kills all feelings of intrigue and mystery... I know this.

... which is why I'm taking a break from her this weekend. We've hung out 4 weekends in a row... I'm taking this one off to chill with some guy friends, and then the next weekend, we're going to New York for a day trip.

BTW, the other thing I need to know is how much is enough, and how much is too much, in terms of seeing/talking to each other at this early stage.

I've made it almost like a rule (for myself) to limit our visits to the weekends. Our weekends usually begin with me going to her place Sat evening and I spend the night and we hang out with mutual friends on Sunday. During the week, we talk on AIM 2-3 times and on the phone once.

Do you guys think this is too little? Too much? I feel like it might be too much, but who knows... there aren't really defined rules to this. I just want to keep that mystery alive between us.

I figured I'd ask this question in this section rather than in relationships since more of you may have asked this question yourselves.

I've been seeing this girl for a little over a month now, and we've been spending the weekends together. I'll go over her place Saturday evening and we'll go out for dinner, dancing, or whatever, and I'll stay over and chill with her for most of Sunday, and leave around 3 or 4pm.

During the week, we'll talk on the phone once, and chat online 2-3 times. I want to make sure I take things slow, and am a bit concerned that I may be allowing this to move too fast. I want to keep her interested, and keep myself mysterious I guess... haha.

When we do spend time together on the weekends, it's great. We never run out of things to say or do, and the interest level is high. She always initiates our online convos, and I make sure to end them at their peak, or end them after 15-20 min.

Am I doing good? Too much?

There are a few people on these boards who are familiar now with my situation, but I'd like to hear some fresh voices too from this section.

I think your way off 'too much' I've been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months and we have less contact with each other than you two do.. I personally would like it to be a bit more but guess I have to be patient and wait and see if he wants the same things from this as me.

So anyway.. after a month of seeing each other I think the amount of contact/time spent together is spot on.

No that's good for now.

But pulling back never hurt anyone. Gving too much always did.

It's good you'll be away. Don't call her 5 times each day.

I think ur way off 'too much' ive been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months and we have less contact with each other than you two do.. i personally would like it to be a bit more but guess i have to be patient and wait n see if he wants the same things from this as me.

So anyway.. after a month of seeing each other i think the amount of contact/time spent together is spot on.

How often do you see/contact your guy?

The only thing that bothers me a bit is sleeping over her place every weekend. I've already seen her change and get ready, seen her come out of the shower, etc. It's a bit too much in my opinion. But the problem is that she lives a bit far away, so when I do go out there, I kind of have to stay over unless I want to drive home at 2am which would suck.

Whenever your neglecting other parts of your life to be under a female then its time to back off. I've been married 32 yeears and my wife is part of my life, she is not my life. Never put another on a higher pedestal than the one your on. Life must be balanced to be a good life and you need to know how to keep it that way.

How often do you see/contact your guy?

The only thing that bothers me a bit is sleeping over her place every weekend. I've already seen her change and get ready, seen her come out of the shower, etc. It's a bit too much in my opinion. But the problem is that she lives a bit far away, so when I do go out there, I kinda have to stay over unless I want to drive home at 2am which would suck.


Well some weeks il see him about 3 times.. then I may not see him for more than a week, we don't call each other much and we don't chat online... we also live in different areas so always have to stay over. You shouldn't be worrying about having seen her already without makeup etc... its good that she's relaxed enough around you not to have to worry.

Well some weeks il see him about 3 times.. then i may not see him for more than a week, we dont call each other much and we dont chat online... we also live in different areas so always have to stay over. U shouldnt be worrying about having seen her already without makeup etc... its good that shes relaxed enough around u not to have to worry.

You don't have any problems with always staying over?

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your guy?

I am 22, and I just got out of a 6 year relationship with a girl I met when I was 16. It took us about a month to kiss, and 2 years to have sex! So for me, dating at this age is sort of intimidating, and the girl I'm seeing has had much more experience than me.

But wow, 3 times a week... what do you guys do for dates?

You don't have any problems with always staying over?

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your guy?

I am 22, and I just got out of a 6 year relationship with a girl I met when I was 16. It took us about a month to kiss, and 2 years to have sex! So for me, dating at this age is sort of intimidating, and the girl I'm seeing has had much more experience than me.

But wow, 3 times a week...what do you guys do for dates?


Well OK I've got a few years on you.. I'm 33 and he is 37.. we don't always feel a need to go out, we'l cook for each other sometimes and have a chill out night in front of the TV, we find things to do though but 3 times a week isn't often, its usually once or twice a week tops so you can always find things to do even if its just going for a quiet drink, we always manage to find things to talk about as we don't see each other all the time and no I don't mind staying over each time. Unlike you I've not been in a serious relationship for about 3 years so to have some company in the night is refreshing, however, for you it may be the opposite to have to bed to yourself lol!

Most important thing for you is balance. You're not on a clock. There is no perfect regimen. But you know from the discussions here that a lot of people get in too much too fast. Done that myself.

Make the time you are together worth something. The quality vs quantity thing. You don't need to be something you're not, but I wouldn't spend a lot of time together doing absolutely nothing. Granted, it is nice to do absolutely nothing now and then with a peson you like. But again, your goal is to keep the interest high and keep her attention. She has friends to talk to about every little detail of her life, just like you have friends to talk to about things that don't need to be a part of a date.

Initiate some of the things you do together. Drive the relationship some. And of course keep your own life too. If she sees there's more to you than being her butler shell likely stay interested.

Giving some time on the weekend makes sense if it works for you. Its sometimes the easiest time to get together, and its how my relationship with my wife was structured in the beginning. You're not on the phone every waking minute with her so that's great. A call now and then or a quick message seems to be working and reasonable.

Like I said... the only other thing is let her know you have a life outside of her too. You don't need to spend every weekend with her if there is something you want to do without her sometimes. If you get too much into the every sat/sun routine she might expect it every single time. So what about going to that game with the guys? Is that going to cause a fight? Need to do some work around the house? Take a day without her. Need a day at the gym? Go. See her later. Don't ignore her. But don't be all about her.

I would hope she would do the same with you. She shouldn't be at your beck and call and she should have interests and things to do outside your relationship. Again, I know you are not seeing her all the time. Good for you.

As long as you are relaxed, having fun, and not in too deep, you're probably doing fine.

Yeah, we both have our own lives.

During the week, I'm at work and after work I go to the gym and spend time with my mom and dad since I'm still living at home (but not for long). The weekends are completely free, and I use them to chill with my friends who are still in school, and of course, this girl.

She is a grad student and her week is filled with classes, labs, internship hours, and working out as well. Her weekends are a lot like mine- open for friends and of course, me.

I guess to be honest, what I'm afraid of isn't seeing her too much, but rather falling into routine, which is one of the reasons my past relationship failed.

So far, it's been:

Go over her place around 7 or 8 on Saturday night
Go out for dinner/dancing/movies/whatever with her or with her friends as a group
Get back to her place around 12-2am
Mess around, talk, get to know each other more
Go to sleep around 4am
Wake up around 12 or 1pm
Make breakfast for each other, invite friends over and watch a football game or whatever
I leave around 5pm, go home and crash... lol.

Definitley. This weekend will be good... just me and the boys.

Oh, another thing- do you think a day trip to NYC is too much too soon? This was the other thing that was on my mind.

God, I think about everything.

Sounds fine. You've got a life.

Also, at your age, the biggest thing is to learn and have fun. Most of us go through a few relationships along the way... don't get too much into the "i need her to complete me" crap at this point. Don't get me wrong, you can and might find a person you really can be with for long term. But really... don't worry about that.

Enjoy her, let her enjoy you. As long as you are both having fun and still both involved in your own independent lives, you're doing fine.

You've only been dating a month or so and already are spending the weekends at her house? And you don't think that's too fast?? Way too fast. Slow it way down. Interest level is high right now cause you're just spilling yourself all over her and vice versa, BUT, it will end up biting you in the rear. She will (or you for that matter) wake up one day and say, I'm done, too much too soon. I know it feels good right now, but is it worth the price of terminating this relationship prematurely because of too much everything. Take control of your whims, miss her and let her miss you, its much nicer that way.

You've only been dating a month or so and already are spending the weekends at her house? And you don't think that's too fast??? Way too fast. Slow it way down. Interest level is high right now cause you're just spilling yourself all over her and vice versa, BUT, it will end up biting you in the rear. She will (or you for that matter) wake up one day and say, I'm done, too much too soon. I know it feels good right now, but is it worth the price of terminating this relationship prematurely because of too much everything. Take control of your whims, miss her and let her miss you, its much nicer that way.

Well it's hard because she's an hour away... so when I end up seeing her on Sat night, it's difficult to have to drive home and doesn't make much sense.

She is a grad school student and shares an apartment with 2 other girls, so when I'm there, we sleep in her room... she doesn't have a room mate or anything like that. I'm usually over there from Sat night to Sunday afternoon, and we don't see each other during the week because I've got too much stuff going on to drive an hour to see her and then be back at home to sleep and get up for work the next day.

Do you think I should just drive home on Sat night after we go out or whatever?


The whole sleep over thing also has to do with how we met. She found out that I liked her, and at a party, she asked me to go home with her. I guess we both thought it was going to be a one-night type thing, but we didn't have sex (I said no), and we started seeing each other and it's become a relationship type thing, although neither of us have defined it as being "official".

The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occasions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's going to come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?

Let me ask you something, how did it make you feel that she asked you to go home with her after meeting her at a party?

The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occassions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting out, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's gonna come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?

Let me ask you something, how did it make you feel that she asked you to go home with her after meeting her at a party?

It made me question her character. I've only been with 1 girl my entire life so far, and consider myself to be one of those respectful and shy types. Not because I am forced to be, but by choice. I don't like the hook up scene.

I liked this girl, and she really came on strong by asking me to go back with her. I guess I enjoyed this attention, as I had never experienced it before, but it kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and so I told her I just wanted to get to know her and we stayed up all night talking.

By the way, I really like your suggestion. That is exactly what I will start doing from now on. Personally, I felt a bit uncomfortable staying with her all day on Sunday... just didn't feel right to me... it felt forced. She loves it of course, and she always asks me to stay over, etc.

Also, do you mind giving me your input on whether a day trip date to NYC is appropriate at this stage? I was going to take her to central park and top of the empire state.. she's never been to NYC before.

You know, I think that a date to the empire state building/central park is incredibly romantic, I mean, REALLY romantic, like the movie "An affair to remember". Is that where you're trying to take this? Personally I think its way too soon. I guess I asked you how you felt about her aggressive invitation to her house was that I thought she was, well, aggressive. There was a time when an invitation like that on the night you met might label a girl as slutty. I'm not saying she's one, I'm just wondering how many times she's actually done that before and whether she thinks its perfectly okay behavior. It seems to me like you're not typically prone to date these kinds of women, is that what you want? I think a day trip like that is reserved for someone who is really special, someone you've been with for a while, longer than a month at least.

To be perfectly honest and brief, she's a very kind hearted girl with a tainted past. Her past doesn't bother me one bit, and it only makes me like her more. She was basically the "crazy girl" who made her mistakes and now she says she's calmed down a lot and wants to live her life differently.

Enter me, the guy who never liked partying or getting drunk and you have an instant connection- she finds the new type of guy she's looking for.

Since you asked me where I'm taking this... I would say I am taking this into the realms of a new relationship. However, if you asked me why, and asked me if I believe I am truly ready, I wouldn't be able to answer "yes" with conviction.

I just don't want to mess this up, and I'm afraid that I already am.

Pat, you're not messing anything up, you're slowing it down because you do want it to last. Nothing wrong with that. Start with not sleeping over every weekend. That will slow it, but not kill it. What does she think about your relationship? Not what does she feel, but what does she think? Have you talked about that?

[QUOTE=momincali]The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occasions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's going to come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?

Hey, just to let you know... you've actually made me realise too much too soon can be a bad thing, guess I'm used to guys being full on in the past and find it odd when theyr not now but.. the guy I'm now seeing is taking things slow and maybe... well maybe it's a good thing. I know your advising the guy that started this thread but just wanted you to know what you've written has helped me too. Cheers.

Pat, you're not messing anything up, you're slowing it down because you do want it to last. Nothing wrong with that. Start with not sleeping over every weekend. That will slow it, but not kill it. What does she think about your relationship? Not what does she feel, but what does she think? Have you talked about that?

Yes, we have discussed many things, especially my past 6 year relationship, and the circumstances between us (i.e. meeting so soon after, etc.) She has told me straight up, point blank that she really likes me and she thinks I'm different. She said that I am very affectionate, accommodating, and she likes how I didn't even "rush the kiss" on that first night we spent together, and she liked even more that I don't think sex is a huge deal, and that it is something that must be done.

She has confessed that she's afraid of me hurting her (aka going back to my ex) but that won't happen. I would never go back to my ex... lol. However, I was dumped and I'm just afraid that I am using her as a rebound. I don't know if I am... that's the tricky part.

The tricky part, that's precisely why to take it slow. The slower you take it, the less damage will be caused because there's not so much attachment.

I do not read a too fast situation here... just a concern... this is an early romance and it will slow down on it's own... it is OK to be concern about your relationship... but donot let it take too much of your time... got problems... no... just relax... and let it flow... LET IT FLOW! HeeHaa:p ;)

Sounds like you're doing OK so far.

As you see some of us are all over the place, so you already know how I feel, keep it slow and balanced between your own life and that of your new interest. Pay attention and you'll know when to back off or chase a little.

The girl I've been seeing for the past 2 months is now my girlfriend. After a weekend trip to the city, she hinted at me to ask her "the question", and I did. We agreed that the title meant nothing more than the fact that we'd now get to know each other exclusively, kind of like dating assurance I suppose. We also agreed that nothing would become more serious or move any faster, and that we'd get to know each other at a natural and slow pace over time. Good stuff.

I want to make sure I do it right this time though. I know the mistakes I made with my ex, and don't want to repeat them. However, I'd like some opinions from the women in here as to what they like from a guy in a relationship...

One of the mistakes I am afraid of making is being too available... not just for making plans, but emotionally available I guess. I want to make her "work for it" I think. Of course, I can only improve through practice, so here's my chance. Any tips for this?

Yes - take it SLOW - GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

Be busy doing gother things. Have a friend to call when you feel like calling her - text a friend instead of her.

LESS IS MORE!! GIVE LESS OF YOURSELF AND SHE WILL WANT MORE.

MAKE HER CONTACT YOU MORE THAN YOU CONTACT HER - ALWAYS.

Don't always make plans - make plans with your friends. Don't give up ANYTHING becvause of her. If you golf - keep golfing.

HERE IS A HUGE KEY WE DO NOT DISCUSS HERE - Under NO circumstance do you change your life style and what you do because of her. If you go out with the boys on Thursday - keep doing that.

What about when she calls or IMs me? Don't respond right away? Call back the next day? Should I still play those types of games even thought she's my girlfriend now?

These are NOT games -it just means your busy. Respond - but not always right away. Be mysterious. She's also testing you to see how needy you are.

You don't have to always be there like a love sick puppy dog. Ever.

You think she's still going to be testing me? Like, purposely testing me? Hmm...

Would you mind giving me your opinion on this:

We took a lot of pictures in New York, and she took a really good one of me that I liked so much that I made it my Facebook profile picture. Well, she signs online and sees that I uploaded that pic, and she asks me when I am going to upload the other ones on Facebook. I tell her later on this week and she says thanks and that she wants to see them. It's weird though, because I gave her copies and she has them on her computer... so she doesn't need me to upload them online. I think she's doing this to see if I'm comfortable in showing our mutual friends that we're together... or more specifically, showing my ex-girlfriend...

Think this is the case?

I know it's not popular here - the women here won't admit it - but women will always test you. Laugh at the tests - it's no big deal. Go to Google and punch in "women's tests for men" - great articles will come up and show you what really is going on.

Yes - she wants SECURITY in showing the pictures. Is she a little insecure?

I think she's insecure in the fact that she's not sure if I'm into her. I mean, she has legit right to doubt because I just got out of a LTR, but I've assured her that I like her for her, and not just the novelty of being with a new girl.

I ended up posting the pics before I went to bed. Now I think I shouldn't have, and should have waited until the end of the week, but I thought it was stupid to do that. I had time, and it only took me 10 seconds.

Like Wildcat has already mentioned, it's important to continue to do your own thing. Just because your in a relationship doesn't mean that you should stop doing the things you used to enjoy doing. Continue to make time for yourself.

From a female perspective, I don't enjoy it when my better half is busy, but at the same time, I do appreciate that he has his other personal interests and things that occupy his time, other than me. It's not healthy for anyone to drop everything else for the one they love, right then and there, just because. In a time of need, certainly it would be appreciated. Otherwise, it's important to maintain a healthy balance in a relationship.

Waiting can bring good drive from a better half, a craving to be with or spend time with, as was kind of hinted at in this thread already. Just don't wait too long with things or the wrong impression is going to be given. You just may end up with a complainer on your hands instead of what you're really looking for. Give space to do your own thing, but know when to turn it off and turn it back on. You don't want your lady feeling like she's being deprived of your time and attention.

Hi Pat, Glad to see your doing well. I know the ladies will be along but for my 2 cents any healthy relationship will need balance and communications to even have a chance to grow. Don't change the things you do without her and give a lot of thought before to any suggestion to do otherwise. Growing together is a key to use wisely and make sure your pedestal is supposed to be just as high as hers. Yes their will be tests, that's what women do, Always stay honest with yourself and question anything your uncomfortable with. Love doesn't mean give up everything you believe in, so don't fall for just anything.

"fact that she's not sure if I'm into her." - Right now, where you are - that's a good thing. You're only a few months into it - keeping her arms length at times is ultra healthy.

No rushing things. Less is more for now.

You guys think I failed the test by posting the pictures when she asked me to?

You should post them if you would like to, not simply because she asked you to. However, if you did make a promise to post them for her within the week, then you stick to it so that she knows you are good to your word.

The fact that you are dwelling over these pictures is a bit concerning. Relax. :) They are just pictures. Take a deep breath here and relax. It seems like you're putting way too much into things you don't need to spend time dwelling on, like the pictures. This is going to stress you out to constantly spend your time dwelling so much like this.

When you want to do something for her, do it, but do it when you're ready to do it. :) Don't jump always when she asks you to do so. You do what works for you. :)

Well, I'm not dwelling on them, but more so on the reason why she wants me to put them up so soon. I wasn't even going to post them... lol. Not because I want to hide her from anyone, but I just don't really care to show the world my personal life.

Well, tell her that. She should be sympathetic to the fact that you don't wish to share your personal life with the world. There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for the one you love, but be sure that in doing so, it is comfortable to you. If you're not 100 percent comfortable in doing something for her because she asks you to, please don't do it but be open and honest with her as to why you won't do it. If she respects you and your feelings, she will understand.

I think you need to relax. It is good that you don't want to make the mistakes and also good that you want other people opinions on how to make it work.
Good!
Slow. Everyone will tell you that.
But just relax. Breathe. Take it easy. Don't put too much importance in her.
Now that you are exclusive doesn't mean that you can't still be the fun guy. No petty fights, arguments etc over trivial things. No jealousy.
Be fun. Have fun. Laugh and most imprtantly enjoy your time with her.
Just don't overdo it.
If you are having fuin when your with her chances are so is she. And why would she want something like that to end?

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. It all started with her asking me to go back to her place one night after a party, and we started dating. This past weekend I took her to NYC for a day trip and we ended up staying the night because we missed the last bus back home. Following certain "hints" she has given me, I also asked her to become official, although I didn't want to. Pretty dumb, but whatever. So fast forward to tonight, just a few days after our NYC date, and she says that we need to talk...

... uh oh.

Basically, she told me that she thinks we're moving too fast. She said that we've seen each other every single weekend for nearly 2 months now, and she wonders if I'm the type of guy who has a life outside of a girl, or am I dependent. She pointed out that I am too available. (Yupp, some of you are going to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!")

At this point let me say a few things:

- being in a 6 year relationship prior to this has got me accustomed to seeing a girl often, and I recognized this potential downfall, which is why I made it a point to only see this new girl ONCE a week on the weekends. So in short, I thought I was doing the "less = more" thing just fine. I didn't call her more than once a week, and we talked online 2-3 times a week, with her intitiating the conversations.

- I don't have many friends by choice. I have 3 best friends that I hang out with, and maybe another 2-3 semi-best friends. I don't like to drink, and I don't like to party. I just go to work, go to the gym, and hang out with people (whoever it may be) on my weekends. During the week, I simply don't have any time to do anything but work, workout, eat, and sleep.

I thought I was doing fine. I mean hell, I thought she was the one rushing things. I made quite a few posts about this girl. I mean, here are some signs I interpretted as saying "lets get more serious":

- invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK... pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

All of these signs pushed me towards asking her to be official... even though I was hesitant. I like dating, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another one just yet.

So we had this talk, and I told her about all the signs I thought she was giving me and we hammered out our miscommunications. We agreed that we like each other and still want to see each other. However, she demands that I SHOW her that I am not always available and independent, not just tell her like I did tonight. Simple enough, but hard to do for a guy like me with 3 friends and a full-time job and bodybuilding hobby.

Seems like she's telling me point blank what to do... but I'm not so sure. Almost seems like she's saying "This is a warning for you...if you continue being a wuss, I'm gone".

Opinions? Advice? What the hell do I do now? I promise I'll listen to exactly what you guys say... is it too late? Damn it... I think I may have already messed up a good thing... I want to keep seeing her because I think this has got potential, so that when I'm finally ready for a relationship, this will be the girl who I am ready for.

I just don't get how what we've done so far has been "rushing things"... I really don't. I've just been going with whatever she wants...

Maybe I should just forget about this girl?

Pat, pat pat pat...

Go back and read all your threads. I tried to tell you this would happen. Didn't want to say I told you so but I have to.

6 years my friend. 6 freakin years you were with another girl and you jump straight out of it into another one. Of course it seems like you are dependent. YOU ARE!!

I don't know how many times it was impressed on you to take some time off from women all together. Learn about yourself. Find hapiness on your own. But no, you insisted on pursuing this women.
Give this thread a 5 star rating. This is what happens when people jump too fast into their next relationship. We see it all the time here.

Don't contact her now. Lwet her chase you and when she does, answer but say you are busy with the boys and will call her back.
Call her back a few days later.

Meet new frinds. Do new friends. She has told you not to be so available. So don't be. Find other things to do. Even if it is nothing, sometimes you can say NO to her.

She clearly likes you in some way. But she has really quickly found some faults in you.

I think you may not be as un clingy and independent as you think you are.

I have to admit in all your threads you always came across that way to me which is why I would have liked to have seen you take some more time to yourself after such a big relationship.

I only encouraged that because I am going through the same thing after 7 years and it is only now after about 7 months that I am begginning to like myself again. I think it is so crucial to have that time. I see it with friends of mine who jump from girl to gril. They never last.

Anyway, I think it is time to back right off and go real slow. No chasing at all. If she likes you like she says she will no how to contact you.

Good luck!

I will admit that being with this girl has given me some comfort... in the sense that everything is OK, and I can still find a girl even after my previous fall-out. It's an ego boost of sorts, or maybe an ego-repair... I don't know. But I know this is definitely the unhealthy aspect of my attraction to this new girl.

I don't like how I've been behaving. I spend a lot of money I shouldn't be spending every weekend, and I'm always tired during the week from not sleeping on Saturdays. My workouts are beginning to suffer, and I'm tired at work. I knew this couldn't go on any longer... I just wanted to ride the train for a bit longer because it made me feel... well, happier.

You know, the FUNNIEST thing is that the other girl I met... the one from the club, who I haven't spoken to in nearly 3 weeks contacted me last night and asked me if I could hang out with her this weekend... lol. From her perspective, I must have come off as busy and mysterious, since I didn't bother talking to her because I didn't care about her at all. She'd IM me and call me and I'd ignore it... lol... and just make small talk for like, 2 min once in a while because she'd IM me.

I know that I've got to treat this girl like I did with the girl from the club... just, not care! But how is my question... without making her think that I'm actively trying...

Any specific ideas?

Any more opinions?

Any more opinions?


I think you did just fine in my opinion. I think you just found yourself a real BIT*H.

But as you know, you will get many different opinions. See, if you only called me like once as month, I would never think that you had any interest in me. I see this advice for people on here all the time, but I disagree with a lot of it as I think it is only for people who do NOT want to get into a relationship. Yes, take it slow, call,email,etc... once or twice a week, visit once a week, or AT LEAST once every two weeks. So I think the way you did what you did was perfect. You will see a lot who disagree with this, but... they are not all alone and probably have different wants/ needs in their life.

So sorry to hear about this. But you will find what you are looking for... mainly when you are NOT looking for it.

From what I have gathered about you... you value friendship, take card of yourself, you care about your job, you don't drink or do drugs, you care about what girls think... YOU ARE A CATCH! You deserve to find someone who likes you for you & wants to spend every weekend together & appreciates that you express your feelings. When you meet the right person - she will think everything about you is either charming, handsome or sweet. So, if I were you - I wouldn't answer her calls for a week or two. If she tries to make contact after the two weeks & you still have feelings for her - you could give it another chance. But I think maybe you just need a little time for yourself since you just got out of a long term relationship.

And one more thing that I noticed was that you said your relationship started when she asked you to go back to her place after a party. So - maybe you should take a step back & think about if she is really the type of person you want to have a relationship with. (I am not judging her because everyone has skeletons in their closet (believe me I have my own:)) - but she may not be at a point in her life to appreciate what great of guy you are.

May God help guide you to make the right decision that makes you happy!

"I thought I was doing fine. I mean hell, I thought she was the one rushing things. I made quite a few posts about this girl. I mean, here are some signs I interpretted as saying "lets get more serious":

- invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK...pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

Pat,
I think that you chose to interpret these things to mean more than what they really were. Just because she asked for /invited you repeatedly doesn't mean you had to take her up on all of them. By accepting all those invitations, you lost control of the speed. It's kind of like a little kid with a bag of candy, can he eat all that candy in one sitting, yep! For 15 minutes, he'll be the happiest kid on the face of the earth, eventually, comes the stomach ache though. Should the parent allowed him to eat it all in one sitting, on an empty stomach (the empty stomach is like you after a multi year relationship) just because he could? Absolutely not. Now, the kid is blaming the parent for the stomach ache because they should have know beter.

No, she's not a child, and she should have also been mature and responsible enough to know that it was too much too soon. But she didn't and neither did you.

"All of these signs pushed me towards asking her to be official... even though I was hesitant. I like dating, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another one just yet."

Follow your instincts, they usually talk to your brain and not your heart.

I don't think its too late, just slow it down. Have fun, in moderation, cause a broken heart is a lot harder to heal than a stomach ache.

I do value the connection with another person over meaningless fun. I'd rather take a walk with someone and have good conversation than get drunk at a bar. Just the way I am. It's not that I'm insecure or don't know how to socialize... I just choose this versus that.

Yes, Momincali, it was my fault that I gave control of myself over to her. By accepting her invites every single time, without a doubt I gave the impression that "Hi, I have no life and no friends, and whenever you want to hang out I am free to hang out with you because I have nothing better to do!"

I'd like to go back to where we were, but I don't know if this talk has already messed things up. She's a cool girl and I'd hate to have ruined something that has potential to turn into a good friendship/relationship or whatever.

She went back home to California for a wedding and she'll be back on Monday. Starting NOW... I am not going to reply to any of her texts, and pretty much all of her phone calls are going to go to my mailbox, and I'll call her back a few hours or a few days later. I'm also stopping all AIM and e-mail convos... I think those type of convos are just unnecessary. It's phone or in person from here on out... on my terms.

I need to get my power and control of the situation back.

I'm also not going to ask her to hang out for a few months. She can ask me, and I'll tell her when I can or cannot make it. And I'm going to be sure to reject her a few times and cut our dates short.

Question is though... what if she calls me out on my new behavior? What do I say? For example, if she says something like "you've been avoiding me lately..what gives?" or "what have you been so busy with?"

She knows me enough by now to know that I'm not out every weekend socializing. So if I lie to her and say I've been chillin with this person and that, she'll know and call me out.

Tips?

I just don't get how what we've done so far has been "rushing things"... I really don't. I've just been going with whatever she wants...
It only took 2 months to get a dog collar on you and chain you to the porch. Not her fault , yours! If you must date then have several ladies and don't get serious for a year no matter what. You've been doing a lot of chasing UGH! Too Available UGH! UGH! And too obedient AAARRGH! Is it possible to do something else on the weekends like golf?

It only took 2 months to get a dog collar on you and chain you to the porch. Not her fault , yours!! If you must date then have several ladies and don't get serious for a year no matter what. You've been doing a lot of chasing UGH! Too Available UGH! UGH! And too obedient AAARRGH! Is it possible to do something else on the weekends like golf?

What's the best way to remedy the situation while saving face and getting the girl? I did fall into it too quick because I think I'm still in LTR mode. Hard to get out of, but I'm trying. Met this chick a little too soon, but this kind of stuff is never planned.

Yeah, she will call you on the carpet about your sudden lack of availability, and she may not like it all that much, even though she warned you. I think you need to be honest without spilling your guts.

Tell her that you gave this some thought and realized you guys were moving way too fast. Tell her that you understand why she would think that you have no life, but that it's not true. Tell her that you need to get back to it cause you've realized that although being with her is great, you need to spend time alone and with those you've neglected. Also, let her know that it doesn't change your feelings for her, you still really like her and you look forward to lots of fun times.

This should be the only time you explain this to her. If she hounds you about it later, change the subject, have fun with her, cause all she's trying to do is get you to change your mind, even though its not in the relationships best interest. It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

What's the best way to remedy the situation while saving face and getting the girl? I did fall into it too quick because I think I'm still in LTR mode. Hard to get out of, but I'm trying. Met this chick a little too soon, but this kinda stuff is never planned.

Did you plan to give in to her every wish? Hey look Pat you've been here long enough to know the routine , back off be less available and nothing serious for a year. There real simple. Just because she has an idea doesn't mean you carry it out. How about simple dates like quick dinners and home movie and home. Stay out of positions where you know your weak. You need time to get yourself on solid ground with you after the death of a 6 year relationship. Why focus on one female anyway that's what I feel is a red flag for you now. Its like your trying to replace what you once had. Forget it . That is over and now you must make the effort to know you well enough so you won't fall for any tricks or traps and can put YOUR interest first. Forget the girl get PAT.

I think in many ways I'm trying to replace what was lost. I miss deep conversation, someone's hand to hold, and someone to cuddle up and watch TV with. At the same time, I know this girl isn't my ex and cannot serve as a replacement. She has her own thoughts, fears and desires and whatnot. I know this. I just met this new girl at a bad time... she's a good person, and many of her attributes match mine... totally honest with myself here. She's got some potential. I just need to make sure she doesn't turn into a rebound... and I think that is what she's trying to do too... nobody wants to be used as a method of getting back at someone else.


Yeah, she will call you on the carpet about your sudden lack of availability, and she may not like it all that much, even though she warned you. I think you need to be honest without spilling your guts.

Tell her that you gave this some thought and realized you guys were moving way too fast. Tell her that you understand why she would think that you have no life, but that it's not true. Tell her that you need to get back to it cause you've realized that although being with her is great, you need to spend time alone and with those you've neglected. Also, let her know that it doesn't change your feelings for her, you still really like her and you look forward to lots of fun times.

This should be the only time you explain this to her. If she hounds you about it later, change the subject, have fun with her, cause all she's trying to do is get you to change your mind, even though its not in the relationships best interest. It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

Wow... I really appreciate this post. Totally makes sense, and extremely helpful!! Yeah, after several missed phone calls and a few denied date invitations she's going to ask me why I am taking it to the extreme or something like that... I know that is coming. I really like your idea about telling her how our conversation caused me to think, etc. if and when she asks because this way I regain control and steer whatever it is that we have in a direction under my watch. The power is back in my hands. Perfect!

TWO months is too short of a time to get carried away.

Do exactly like she says ; show her that you're not always too available, etc. You're busy and have a life. Take up a new hobby or something to fill up some of your weekends when you're not just "eating, sleeping, working and working out." Keep in mind that a lot of women will come on hot and heavy at the beginning but don't misinterpret that as a sign that "I'm ready to get serious." Just go along with it and enjoy yourself but also allow plenty of time between dates so she doesn't get the impression that you're a "wuss." "Few but intense" should be your motto when dating someone new, meaning don't see each other too often but have a blast when you do.

Yeah, I realize all of this now.

I'm the new kid on the block here... being away from the dating scene for 6 years has really handicapped me. But I'm learning through experience, and of course, from you guys.

I am beginning to think that based on my past and recent experience with the ex, and my general state of being right now, I was misinterpretting her and simply seeing something that wasn't even there.

I'm going to do exactly what you guys said and what momincali said to say if she asks me about it. Time to gain back my power and control!!

Yeah, I realize all of this now.

I'm the new kid on the block here...being away from the dating scene for 6 years has really handicapped me. But I'm learning through experience, and of course, from you guys. I hope you all don't mind all my crazy posts...haha.

That's really the best way to learn if your heart can stand it. As for the crazy posts?? They aren't crazy and I got nothing else to do. (addicted to forum) Watch out or you'll get hooked too, trust me.:D

It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

Ooh, I just read this. I missed it before.

Why would she do that?

Mom - GREAT RESPONSE!! I've seen this os many times.

Ooh, I just read this. I missed it before.

Why would she do that?
Its called CONTROL.

She's trying to control me you mean? So let me get this straight... when you're dating someone, it's all about playing the game as to who controls who? And the dominant one gets what as the prize?

Sorry, might seem like a dumb question but I'm still learning.

She is controlling the relationship and its is moving too fast. I can't say its intentinal but you by giving in to her wishes have brought this about. She's calling the shots here and you are letting her, bottom line.

invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK... pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)


Sometimes you have to politely say no or some similar phrase instead of going along with her program. That's why YOU need a program since she is all too willing to lead.

How about Pat completely givinh up women for a while until you are comfortable with yourself.
You have addmitted that one of the mian reasons your with this women is to replace what you lost when your 6 year relationship broke down.
That is so unfair on her and you. It won't work.
Its called a rebound and we never see them work.

But other than that just take tal and mom's advice here. They have gioven you some great stuff.

You will be fine. I just think you need some time to heal and get over the 'death' of the last relationship.

I know how much it hurts and how long it can take to feel better.

You shouldn't rely on being with someone else to make you happy!! Not healthy at all!

She is controling the relationship and its is moving too fast. I can't say its intentinal but you by giving in to her wishes have brought this about. She's calling the shots here and you are letting her, bottom line.


Sometimes you have to politely say no or some similar phrase instead of going along with her program. Thats why YOU need a program since she is all too willing to lead.

So it's her fault for rushing it then. How can she blame me if she's the one who has been in control all along? Yes, I'm at fault for saying yes all the time, but still.

It would only be her fault if you were deaf, dumb and blind. Got to share the responsibility on that one, you're not 7 years old Pat, I think you knew she was driving the car but you didn't mind until she wrecked it...

She is trying to control it, why? Because she can. Don't let her. Take back control. You call the shots.

I do plan on taking back control... but I think she'll have to contact me first. As of now, I'm just moving on, assuming it's over. That conversation we had was pretty intense last week... really talked about hot issues straight up. It was one of those convos that I would dread... even when I had been dating my girlfriend for years. One of those "we need to talk" convos... lol.

If she contacts me, I'll take back control for sure. But I don't know if she will.

This is going to make things really weird for me if she just stops talking to me. When I visit my buddy, I'm going to have to deal with this crap... for the next 3 years. But it's not like I'm going to stop hanging out with my friends. She's just one girl in that social circle. Whatever.

I don't think it will come to that Pat. I think that by you taking back control, she may just see you in a different light and want you even more.

Those conversations are tough, but necessary I guess, it only makes you stronger right?

Haha well, being optimistic is a good thing, but since she got back from California yesterday morning she hasn't contacted me yet. But then again, she hasn't been online or whatever, so we'll see.

I'm no longer stressing about this, as I've realized that if anything, meeting this girl has boosted my confidence in women a bit, and has taught me a little about the rules of dating someone new. I've already benefitted from this, even if she never talks to me again.

With that attitude Pat, you will definitely land on your feet, no matter what she throws at you. Good for you.

Well I guess not all is lost. Yesterday night she sent me a little message on Facebook just saying how she's back from home, etc. I didn't respond.

You guys think I should write one back tomorrow? Or just wait a while until she contacts me again?

Id be waiting a while.
You don't want to appear as though you are 'too available' to her. Those were her words.
Well now your busy with other things.
I'm sure she isn't going anywhere with anyone else so why not just wait a little and let her think. And if she does well you know she wasn't worth it anyway!

Give her the space she is asking for!

Oh crap, she just IMed me and she knows I'm online.

I'm just making some small talk with her now and I'm going to end it.

Here's the convo:

Her: hey there... how are you doing?
Me: I'm good, you?
Her: swamped...
Her: but good
Me: how was you weekend?
Her: great... I got to see lots of family and friends..
Her: the wedding was awesome... I just didn't get any time to study really
Me: haha well that's to be expected
Her: but it was nice to be home...
Her: I haven't done that since I graduated and I won't be able to see fresno people during christmas break
Me: did your parents cook you any special meals?
Her: they all tend to scatter
Her: of couse... I got my fave the night I came in
Me: and what's that
Her: sirloin tips w/ ice and broccoli
Me: oh really
Her: yep... one of my all time faves
Me: I would have thought it to be something fancie
Me: like veal medalions o something in a glaze
Her: why would you think that?
Me: no reason, it's just that steak tips, ice, and broccoli is something I actually eat quite often, so I don't see it as being special
Her: how long does it take you to make?
Me: I don't make it... I have my boy anthony grill the steak tips for me
Her: yeah... you are missing out
Me: yeah I haven't had steak tips in a while
Me: I usually cut anthony's hair, and he pays me with meat
Her: lol
Me: did you go to karate tonight
Her: no... my ankle still hurts and I'm swamped with work
Me: when and how did you injure it?
Her: last week in sparring I rolled it and reinjued it fom this summer
Me: well some time off will be good... my injuries are finally gone
Me: no more shoulder pain, and my knee is better too
Her: that's good
Her: bb... have to restart comp


She signed off before I could end the conversation. I just put up my away message and I'm done talking to her for the night. She's prob testing me to see if I'll still be on here waiting for her to come back... lol.

Your busy, got to go. Things to do, people to see.

She sent me a text message just as I was about to go to bed and told me her comp was flaking on her and she said "sweet dreams"... I sent her one back and called it a night. I'm not going to talk to her at all today.

I'm going to keep sort of a journal type thing here, as I see if I can turn things around. Maybe people can learn from my experience.

You keep saying your not going to talk... but that's way too much text and IMing?

Stop it!

Get a hold of yourself. Way too available to this gal - STILL!

You keep saying your not going to talk....but that's way too much text and IMing?

Stop it!

Get a hold of yourself. Way too avaialble to this gal - STILL!

Really? I hadn't talked to her since last Thursday... it had almost been a week without contact...

That conversation was only 5 min long...

If you think I should be even less available, I'll do it then. No contact this whole weekend.

I didn't realize that. Ok.

I didn't realize that. Ok.

Haha yeah, I was going to say... lol.

I think as long as I keep it to 2-3 short convos a week I'll be fine. I'm just glad that I didn't mess this up completely.

Ok, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and we really have great chemistry. In the beginning (my earlier posts) she wanted to hook up with me. It all began when she asked me to go home with her one night after we both attended a party, and I basically refused her advances 3-4 times and treated her with respect.

Well, as time went on, and we went on more and more dates, she confessed to me that she has feelings for me now and really likes me. That's good, because I like her alot too. So, this past weekend, I was ready for sex, because I felt comfortable around her and after a month of getting to know her, I felt that it would be OK. So I tell her this when we're messing around on Sat night and she says no!!!!

I was like, "huh?"

She told me that now it's different because she has feelings for me and she doesn't want to get hurt. This doesn't make any sense because she obviously had no problems hooking up with 2 guys before me, and now I go out of my way and am better and nicer than the other guys and I can't get sex?

Someone please explain whats going on here.
Just let her come back to you,when she was chasin you could get what you wasn't but when you stop her chasin she gets a little confused so keep her chasin you then ul get what you want though she may turn out to be a lapdog! An that isn't good either