My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 daughters 8 and 9. Recently, she and I have talk and tidbits of information from her past come out and when I ask a more direct question about the tidbit, world war 3 erupts because now I am prying into her past and that the past should not be drudged up. Granted that she has had her share of lovers and possibly someone else’s share too, I realize that if she had been a guy no one would have thought twice about it. Quantity isn’t the bulk of the issue, as she has been tested and is clean, but the issue is how she has acted with and toward me for the last 10 years and some of the situations from her past. Sex between us early in the marriage happened about 1 to 2 times a week and recently we are experiencing a semi-annul event, not for lack of trying on my part. She has always been extremely prudish and reserved with me. It has recently come to light that in one of her often relationship in particular she was another man’s whore, literally. That said; she was with a guy that she had feelings for and hoped that he would develop similar feelings for her but never did. The extent relationship was sexual; “they would go out and party, return to his apartment, and he would have sex with her”. She said that meant he would only have sex with her if she laid face down on the bed so he could enter her from behind, not in the behind, it was uncomfortable and occasionally hurt, and when he was done sex was done. The relationship had very little intimacy such as hugs and kisses. She even said that she knew that he was treating her like whore but she stated with him anyway.

I am by no means naive or uneducated, but I just plain don’t know how to deal with this. I love my wife very much, but being blunt about it I am not sure I how to deal with being married to “another man’s whore”, granted that that happened before we got together, but it is still confusing.

That is a tough question to really answer, but it sounds to me that she might be having some regrets about her past flings or relationships and feels guilty about it.

Just coming from another guys perspective... You know we all like to think our significant others were angels and we are one of the few and proud.

Did you give her some negative body language and not realize it when you were talking?? You know how perceptive they can be.

Perhaps you can try some new moves like the irate pirate or angry dragon to surprise her!

As I said in my other post. Counselling is needed. This will help you with the way to handle this situation. It will give you the tools on how to deal with your reactions to this. I am still curious why it took this long for her past to come up since you have been married for 10 years. If I were you I would be so hurt and I would be wondering if all this years maybe she was doing the same thing as in her past. It is hard to let go of the past especially if you feel that maybe the past is not the past.

Joe

For starters you aren't married to "another man's whore". If you continue to think like that, you add to an apparently already overloaded problem she has. Do you really want to do that? I don't think so. People can make horrendous mistakes. As one who has an incredibly awful past, I can tell you it took me some major work with a professional to forgive myself and those involved. But I did and so now I can talk about it freely. I am very fortunate to be married to someone who understands that I am not my past, but a product of my past and that some parts are still fragile. I would guess that your wife has dipped a toe or two to test the waters and found them, for whatever reason, unsafe. That is worth you taking a look at as it's a good clue.

I think you need to ask yourself what your motive here is. Are the two of you in trouble now (which is what I suspect) and is this just a part of that? If so, then it is perhaps time for a counselor to help navigate what are clearly some murky waters. But if this is all it is then you could simply apply the "let sleeping dogs lie" rule and live happily ever after too.

Or you could continue to pick at the scab that has healed over and unleash a torrent of feelings and concerns that you are not prepared to handle with your wife. And would still be required to answer the question: to what end do you do that?

It does say something to me that you managed to marry and live with someone for ten years and it only comes to light now that you might not know everything about each other's past. I find that strange at best and frankly begs the question: if you didn't need to know any time before, why now?

Many of us have pasts, and as people get older, they have longer past.

I have always been open with my spouse of my past and it is long and things I do regret. I grew in in a life style of the late 60's and 70's.
We would often party and knowing the first name of the other person was about all the "getting to know" we cared about. And only Satan could have wrote the stories about my life in Mexico.

And what about the man or women who were married before and actually loved their previous spouse and did not want a divorce but were forced into it by the other. They have to start over again after fullying loving another person.

In many ways not speaking about your past means that the other party does not have to get jealous then angry and then have to work getting over that.

Next of course you did not say your or her age, or if the lack of sex desire has happened after some event ( such as having a baby) ( or not having a baby) ( change of life) and a 100 other things that causes hormone imabalances.

But you don't really need to worry, care or ask about her past, if she had wanted you to know, she would have told you. Does it make a difference if she had been a nun or a hooker, she changed her life and has decided on makinig a life with you.

And you choose her for who she is, not who she was. Thank God no one judges me on who I used to be.

I think that over time gthere has been issues coming up and as stated you need some serious counseling. And if you don't tell her you are sorry for prying and never ask or say a word about it again and she may start feeling you love her for her again ( personal guess)

Another point that has not been addressed is that your wife has been abused. She has experieced what has amounted to rape, repeatedly. Is it possible that you have done or said something that has brought these feelings back up to the raw ooozing wound stage? I am not saying that you did it on purpose, but you may have said something a certain way, or something like that. Trauma doesn't go away just because we don't talk about it, it just goes into hibernation until something happens to remind us that it's still there waiting to be dealt with.
Now, as far as what you should do. Love your wife, be patient, be kind be respectful, you know, be her husband, not her judge. Be grateful that you have her and she has you. You two are not completely separate entities, you are a part of her she is a part of you. You are a family. Family means you can't toss them out just because they made a mistake, especially if that mistake happened over ten years ago, when we were young and foolish. When we didn't think past this moment or believed there was anything more important than today.
Good luck!

Let me ask you a question, if you and your wife were still having sex 1 or 2 times a week, would there be a problem? Has anything else changed in your relationship? I detect some sort of anger or bitterness behind your words. Calling your wife somebody else's whore is so disrespectful. If you are thinking these thoughts I do not know how you can hide those thoughts. I am sure they show in your actions and things you say to her. Possibly not directly, but little hints here and there. She must be feeling some animosity or negativity on your part. 10 years and 2 children, that is a long time to be married and all of a sudden you are looking at her as somebody else's whore. I am sorry, but I find that remark offensive after all of this time. Come on, there has got to be more to this story. You have to know everyone has a past. How about your past?

When she did the things she did she was much younger and it was a different time in her life, she felt differently about herself. Be patient and look at your reasons also.

Originally she stated to him that if he died she would just go back to her ex. There must be things on both sides, but she refuses to go to counseling which is a red flag. He wants to go to counselling. I recommended it for him to help him work through his insecurities, his thoughts, his actions. Maybe if that helps then it will help both of them.

Oh thanks Joe, now I see both posts and it yields a bigger picture. I absolutely agree, best to seek counseling yourself, Daniel, even if she won't go. You both seem to have made some choices here that have come home to roost, so to speak. You can only address yours and either she will or won't address hers.

Thanks Joe, I did not know there was another thread. It puts a whole different light on the subject. Definite counseling on both parts.

I agree counseling is the right choice even if by myself. As for the name calling, the words that she was his whore came out of her mouth. I a trying to deal with the results. I don't consider her a whore or anything of that nature ever before.

K_3: as for the sex, it currently about twice a year.

Not sure whee the other post is, but as far as what's been said here, first of all Valinors is entirely correct in saying you are not married to "another man's
whore" - A whore is a prostitute, a person who exchanges sex for money. What you have described regarding that aspect of you wife's past constitutes being another man's victim, which is very different.

Second of all, rolljeep asked a very pertinent question, because there are two possible reasons that jump out at me for her reluctance to discuss some of her past with you, and one of them is this: Are you conveying any judgment, negativity, or disapproval when she does talk about it?

It could be that she perceives that you will no longer accept or love her if you learn certain things about her, potentially a very serious problem, because it indicates that she may feel she cannot be comletely honest with you. If she feels that way, then she may feel she has to conceal certain things from you to keep your love. Thus, the bond of trust - without which a marriage is not true or real, and cannot survive - is eroded... and is very difficult to repair, and is not even always repairable.

The second issue is, consider that she may be very ashamed of something, and not want to confront it, especially with someone whose esteem she values, or who may want to know about it merely out of curiousity, for the benefit of his own ego, or in connection with their own sex life.

No one is going to want to relate a horrific experience from their past to someone who is going to look at them with revulsion after they hear it. No one is going to want to tell a story about the past to someone important to them if they are afraid the person will reject them after hearing it. And while talking about sex in general can be a prelude to actual sex, asking someone to tall you about past sexual abuse is not going to turn them on.

Do you have any idea as to why she thinks you want to know? Her notion as to why you're asking may be the reason she does, or does not, want to talk to you about it. And maybe you should ask yourself, "Why do I want to know?" Is it because I am so crazy in love with my wife, I want to know everything? Is it because it seems like something is bothering her, and I want to help her with it no matter what it is? Why do you want to know? Are you absolutely sure your only motive is to help your wife? Are you sure she understands that?

I'm not saying any of that is the case with you, just that you should look at it.

And you should ask yourself these questions: If there is something from your wife's past that was so traumatic that it still affects her negatively, do you love her enough to support her while she works through it? Even if it hurts you to know about it? Even if it takes a long time? Even if it negatively impacts you in some way? Even if she needs to work through it with a professional and you are not involved in the aspect of it that are just about her and her past? Even if it becomes clear that it has nothing to do with you, and thet even after she works through it it may be a long time (if ever) before she is comfortable telling you all of the details?

Good luck. Amor vincit omni.

For all those who are wondering about the other post. Reading the other post will give you a better view of the whole picture.

Here is the link:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/wife-still-love-her-ex-boyfriend-33229.html

My response to my wife was a sympathetic one, I haven't expressed my feelings about this to her and as I said before; I am not and have not called her a whore she used those words.

Daniel, instead of posting two separate posts. With different tidbits of info in each. It would have been a lot easier to just make the one post, then you will not be getting people assuming that you called her a whore. It is just a misunderstanding. I put up a link of your other post. Before they comment on this post they need to read your other post as well. Then everybody else will be on the same page. So be patient. Do not take things personal.

Joe

I am not sure I how to deal with being married to “another man's whore”, granted that that happened before we got together, but it is still confusing.
Let me clarifiy something in this. I understand she was the first to use the words so I was careful not to suggest you called her that, but this quote of yours is where I got the impression that you picked up on her cue and continued it... this is why I challenged your thinking of her as that. If you don't think of her as that, then that's good! But you might want to choose your words more carefully than what it shown here.

I agree that one post would have gone a long way in helping us see the whole picture. And there still is a lot of confusion about how the two of you got this far with so little understanding of each other and your individuals pasts and why that comes up as an issue now? Let's have the whole story and give it a fighting chance, perhaps?

I agree with Val, I asked some questions and I think if you answered them it would help everyone understand better. It is difficult to understand why all of this came up after so long a period or has it always been there. It is quite confusing to me.

I agree as well. One post would have been easier plus what is on everybodys mind but has not been answered is. Why all of a sudden or why all of this out in the open in 10 years. Was it a slow built up of things said. A lot of this stuff should have been resolved before getting married and obvously it was not. What all of a sudden changed? Or are you trying to figure that out that is why you will not answer the question because you do not know yourself?

This is a recent happening, over the last month or so. An example is: we are talking and a tidbit of something would come out and further into the conversation another tidbit comes out then I ask about the tidbits, collectively, and that's when an event in her life spills out. We haven't had any changes or drastic happenings for a long time, more than 6 months at least. I'm just in awe at the things from her past and I posted about this one because so far it, in my opinion, is the most significant. If I had found a diary and brought up things found there then she would be right to have a fit because I would have been prying, but all the prying that I am doing is asking about the tidbits of information and the resultant situations that spill forth.

This is a recent happening, over the last month or so. An example is: we are talking and a tidbit of something would come out and further into the conversation another tidbit comes out then I ask about the tidbits, collectively, and thats when an event in her life spills out. We haven't had any changes or drastic happenings for a long time, more than 6 months at least. I'm just in awe at the things from her past and I posted about this one because so far it, in my opinion, is the most signifigant. If I had found a diary and brought up things found there then she would be right to have a fit because I would have been prying, but all the prying that I am doing is asking about the tidbits of information and the resultant situations that spill forth.
I understand this part of it, just as you have explained it now, even if it's a little hard to believe that nothing out of the ordinary precipitated her sudden sharing of her past. I can see why its in "tidbits" as you say though, she is testing the waters. Is any of this being offered as an explanation about why she is so seldom sexually interested? Or is that unrelated? And still it remains a question about how you managed to marry a woman you didn't/don't know very well? Are you from a culture that arranges marriages? Or prohibits talking openly before marriage? Forgive me, I don't mean to pressure you but if you want good help here its important to be forecoming.

Regardless of her past or yours, the question you have to ask is "What are you going to do next?"

Are you going to live in the past and immerse yourself in what was and might have or could have been?

- or -

Decide on what you can do to make your life and your marriage better starting today and move forward with that?

People have to accept responsibility for their actions, but it is never too late to make a positive change in yourself and go forward on the right path - even if you've always previously been following a darker path. Don't dwell on the past, move forward.

We talked a lot before marriage and quite often during the early years, but not even a hint of the things that she has revieled recently was ever indicated. She is very casual when referring to herself in the afore mentioned manner just as if she saying "I'm going shopping".

So like you probably already that maybe she is still shopping and is trying to let you know that in a round about way but all of this is just speculation and I hope you take everybodys advice and start to councel then you will be able to get everything out in the open and have some direction on how to deal with this.

First of all, you probably should have learned a little more about your wife's past before you ever married her. Not that that would have necessarily kept you from marrying her but marriage is never something to go into blindly. But that's water over the dam now. You've been married for 10 years. Evidently your needs aren't getting met in this marriage. That being the case, I'd have a heart-to-heart talk with you wife and spell out for her just what your needs are and what you want from her. She is probably feeling a little guilty about her past, even after all these years, and that may be making it difficult for her to relate to you. Assure her that her past is just that ; in the past, that you don't hold it against her and won't continue to dwell on it. Lastly, make it a two-way street ; find out what her needs and wants are and be ready to meet them, something she obviously didn't get from her past "lovers."

They are intimate about twice a year. When it used to be twice a week. Now she is saying things about her past, but I think there is a possibility it still is not in the past. Why would it be brought up after so many years? If I were her husband I would be questioning this as well.

Joe

Upon reading your other post I get some mixed messages. One post suggests that your wife enjoyed the sex and being this guy's "whore" and would even go back to him if you died, while the post in this thread suggests that he was sexually abusive to her, even prompting some other posters in this thread to call it "rape." Unfortunately I now think you have a bigger problem than this thread suggested. You need to bring your wife to the realization that she is married to you and only to you and that she owes you all of her loyalty and affection. She needs to put her past behind her, once and for all. She may, as others have suggested, need counseling to help her with this. If she refuses, then, sadly, you may have to pack your bags (or pack her bags) and call a divorce lawyer. Because of the inconsistencies in the two threads I'm not sure what the real situation is, so the two of you are going to need a lot of honest and straightforward communication to cut to the chase and address the underlying issues affecting your marriage.

I don't necessarily agree with everything S Cianci said, but he's definitely on the right track, with a point overlooked before this... Marriage joins two people and makes them "one flesh", "forsaking all others"... Absolutely, she owes him completely loyalty, devotion, and candor... and every effort to preserve the marriage.

I don't pretend to understand her situation at all, but unless there is some legitimate reason preventing her (unbearable psychic pain, for example, which could justify delaying or going very slowly), she took a vow that requires she give her all to make it work.

Of course, he took the same vow, and a lot of people have commented that there seems to be more going on than has been related. But S Cianci's point about marital obligations is still a very good one.

There are also 2 other people in this situation, the children, sorry s cianci, just packing her bags and getting a divorce lawyer is just fine if it were just the two of them. Not only did they take wedding vows, they also had children. When they made those children they made a commitment to raise them. Do not forget them in this situation.
Daniel 235, one one hand you say you are very thoughtful and considerate of your wife as though it is all her. You say she brings up bits and pieces THEN you say you push her to say more, THEN you say it is all her wanting to talk about it. Which is it? You say you do not know how to deal with living with another man's whore, then you say she called herself that. NO, you said that, maybe she said it first, but you wrote it in your last paragraph of this thread. Read it. When I read your thread I note quite a bit of anger in it. Whether you realize it or not you are upset that she did those things with someone else and not you and is only having sex with you twice a year. If the two of you had sex twice a week would you be fine? I notice you do not answer any of these questions. I do not think you can let go of the past any more than she can. Maybe she feels your anger, if I can read it in your thread, I am sure she can feel it. Slow down and read what you write, there are too many inconsistancies for it to make sense, and when that happens it means you are leaving important information out or are too angry to keep the facts straight. Is she a good mother and how are you're a children doing in all of this?

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 daughters 8 and 9. Recently, she and I have talk and tidbits of information from her past come out and when I ask a more direct question about the tidbit, world war 3 erupts because now I am prying into her past and that the past should not be drudged up. Granted that she has had her share of lovers and possibly someone else’s share too, I realize that if she had been a guy no one would have thought twice about it. Quantity isn’t the bulk of the issue, as she has been tested and is clean, but the issue is how she has acted with and toward me for the last 10 years and some of the situations from her past. Sex between us early in the marriage happened about 1 to 2 times a week and recently we are experiencing a semi-annul event, not for lack of trying on my part. She has always been extremely prudish and reserved with me. It has recently come to light that in one of her often relationship in particular she was another man’s whore, literally. That said; she was with a guy that she had feelings for and hoped that he would develop similar feelings for her but never did. The extent relationship was sexual; “they would go out and party, return to his apartment, and he would have sex with her”. She said that meant he would only have sex with her if she laid face down on the bed so he could enter her from behind, not in the behind, it was uncomfortable and occasionally hurt, and when he was done sex was done. The relationship had very little intimacy such as hugs and kisses. She even said that she knew that he was treating her like whore but she stated with him anyway.

I am by no means naive or uneducated, but I just plain don’t know how to deal with this. I love my wife very much, but being blunt about it I am not sure I how to deal with being married to “another man’s whore”, granted that that happened before we got together, but it is still confusing.
It seems there are a number of very emotional and, consequently, perilous elements at play in this situation. You seem to feel as though your wife is holding out on you or treating you in a less sexually active fashion than she did one or more of her former lovers. Is she afraid of you or is she afraid, perhaps, to reveal herself to you? In either case, you have problems beyond the capacity of the people involved to deal with absent professional help. Does sex represent something different to your wife than it represents to you? It seems as though it does. Love, intimacy, subserviance, physicality, morality---all can be aspects of sexual relationships. How does she see it? Do you have happy memories of your sexual liason(s) before you met your wife? Does she have happy memories of her sex life before you? Again, it seems problematic. I strongly recommend that the two of you seek professional help. You need to truly get this "stuff" behind you so you can start making happy memories together. Good luck.

I wish this poster would come back and update us on what happened.

Between a healthy loving couple sometimes a hug or a touch is worth more than a night of doing the wild thang. Most people who complain about not getting enough, probably are the ones who don't do the little things that can make your mate feel wanted, loved, and appreciated. Do you bring little surprises when you've been away, or that special good morning, when you wake. To me it is unrealistic and selfish to expect sex from another when you don't even know how to make love on all the many levels. If your probes into her past keep you from loving your wife on those many levels, then you have a problem you need to pay attention to. I think that's what she has been trying to tell you.

Hi Daniel,

What I fail to understand Daniel is, before you married your wife; did you know any of this? Or did you find out after you married her?

vassilio, She kept all of this from me and I didn't hae a clue about any of this before we were married.

And for everyone else that mentioned it, the phrase that "she was another man's whore" should have been in quotes as it was a direct quote from her and not my interpretation or anything else. I don't consider her to be anything other than my wife.

vassilio, She kept all of this from me and I didn't hae a clue about any of this before we were married.

And for everyone else that mentioned it, the phrase that "she was another man's whore" should have been in quotes as it was a direct quote from her and not my interpretation or anything else. I don't consider her to be anything other than my wife.


Hi Daniel,
I really understand your situation. Its not your fault.

First of all: your wife raised her past with you during your marriage. She seems now more frustrated to talk about it than you are on hearing it. Which, to some extent, is quite normal - it means she regrets it.

My feelings are this, and I could be wrong: marriage is a holy sacrement. OK. Once you join this institute, its like going on a long spiritual retreat. You begin to regret all your sins. It's the same like being with 10000's of prostitutes and living a prodigal life, and then all of a sudden walking in a Church. Somehow, the effect of just entering the building seems to create a lot of shame.

I think she has this shame now. Its strange that she raised it, its as if she wants to confess her past, and yet is so ashamed to even talk about it. Naturally, you are obviously wondering what the heck happened to your "dear" wife before she met you.

That's a black box Daniel. Everyone wants to be saved from their past. Everyone. THe problem is , no one really wants to marry someone who had a past. Which is also understandable. You being frustrated about her past doesn't help. The more you seem to her anxious to know more, the less she'll want to talk about it.

With respect to sex with you: Now, I'm 99.9% sure that she loves you. Because of her previous sexual experiences, perhaps just having sex reminds her of her shameful past. If that is the case (and you HAVE to ask her, because that concerns you! ) - if having sex with you in itself reminds her of her shady past, then she has a problem , and she has to deal with it. She wants you to accept her past then, and she herself has not accepted it , nor gotten over it. SHe needs to do that. I suggest she confesses it all to a Priest - whether Orthodox, or Catholic.

There are some things that don't concern you as a husband - the sins she's done BEFORE she met you don't concern you. Why she did them does. For example : if you wife took drugs and tried to commit suicide. Suicide is a sin. Taking drugs is a sin too. All that should concern u is why did she do that? Its actually EXACTLY the same as asking her questions directly about her past, but the difference is this: you are not asking her with the sole objective of condeming her; you are asking with the sole objective of helping her.

You have 2 kids together, and the only way forward is to build her and help her heal from all this mess she put herself in.

Good luck

I don't consider her to be anything other than my wife.
The past should stay in the past, but help her feel good about herself by understanding and appreciating all the work she had to do to be a good wife to you, and mother for your children.

I agree that we have all had our pasts and some things are relevant and some are not. The fact that she brought this up recently probably has something to do with her guilt and remorse for letting that relationship consume her better judgement. I know that I have done some things in my past that I have never mentioned to my husband because I am OK with my past and he just doesn't need to know.

I think your wife may be reaching out to you to look for some time of validation that she feels bad about it and bad about herself for letting that guy control her like that. Just remember you have been married 10 years and have something between you but life may have gotten mundane. Let her know that you love her and reassure her that the last 10 years of her life are what counts. Try counseling to learn how to regain that intimacy. Women and men need to know that their spouses value them! Don't you think it worth a try?

I understand what he is going through. I often feel the same way with my wife, however our situations are a little different. We have only been married a year and she has two children from a previous marriage. I too have also been married before, but no kids. Dealing with her ex-husband (not a very good person, seriously) is hard enough however when we go back to her hometown (which is a very small town) I have to see all of the ex-lovers she had through High School, afterwards etc. Everyone still talks to everyone there and no one ever seems to leave to move on to any other endeavors that would take them out of that town. Shaking the hands of the men who used to bang my wife doesn't really help me out, especially when I know men enough as to what they are thinking ("yep, I used to have sex with your wife!"). I don't feel like I am being all that paranoid however when I did learn about her not so wonderful past it did bother me, but I really have no one to blame but myself for marrying her because she came clean before we were married, however I do feel like I fell in love with her under false pretenses. There is a lot more to this story and sometimes I really do feel like packing my bags and giving up, but I realize it is in the past and she can't change it no matter how much she wants to. I've already caused her enough pain over this, I guess it just bothers me that I consider my sexual past to be way too much and hers is even more than mine! I have prayed to Jesus several times to take it from me and it is getting easier as the days go on, however the ex-husband is a total loser (rich 37 year-old brat living with mommy and daddy, criminal past, abusive, etc.) and I know if she had not been so darn permiscuous with just anyone she wouldn't be in this mess with him and neither would I!! I must find a way to release this anger before it destroys me any responses are welcome thank you

Rider

Dude, at least you don't know these guys. I was best friends with my girlfriend of 4 years before we got together. And she use to tell me everything.. Her sex experiences, her partners... EVERYTHING... And I was friends with some of these guys... DO You think its easy for me to think that these guys are out there thinking "hahaha, I've slept with your girl." It's her past man, there is nothing you can do about it. I know how it feels to picture your "wife" getting it from behind. But at least the guy that did this to her has no face in your mind.. When I use to picture them, I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, I know what they sound like, I know the way they use to talk about their women, I know everything. It goes the same for her.. You guys are married now and that life is behind her. She is the mother of your children, and love her for who she is now, and don't think about her past. It took me a long time to do the same, but in the end, it's the love for her that gets you by.

Dude, atleast you don't know these guys. I was best friends with my girlfriend of 4 years before we got together. And she use to tell me everything.. Her sex experiences, her partners... EVERYTHING... And I was friends with some of these guys... DO You think its easy for me to think that these guys are out there thinking "hahaha, I've slept with your girl." It's her past man, there is nothing you can do about it. I know how it feels to picture your "wife" getting it from behind. But atleast the guy that did this to her has no face in your mind.. When I use to picture them, I KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, I know what they sound like, i know the way they use to talk about their women, i know everything. It goes the same for her.. You guys are married now and that life is behind her. She is the mother of your children, and love her for who she is now, and don't think about her past. It took me a long time to do the same, but in the end, it's the love for her that gets you by.

I understand, however I can put the faces to the names because I have met most of them. Our children are not mine but another mans biological kids. And yes I do love her, just voicing my thoughts. I know it is love that gets us all by. Thanks for the reply

Forget the past, there is no future in it. Pick her up, dust her off and put her on a pedestal. God knows the other clowns she was with didn't, and her self esteem suffered. Step up and be her man... put yourself in her shoes... reverse the roles... how would you feel? Be her rock... and understand... listen to what she says and don't judge her past mistakes. If you want to be closer, really listen to her and tell her you are sorry (for whatever) , hold her hand, rub her back, cook her dinner, take her to a movie SHE wants to see... do the little things... once you establish communication/friendship/respect again... it will be fine

Forget the past, there is no future in it. Pick her up, dust her off and put her on a pedestal. God knows the other clowns she was with didn't, and her self esteem suffered. Step up and be her man...put yourself in her shoes...reverse the roles...how would you feel?? Be her rock...and understand...listen to what she says and don't judge her past mistakes. If you want to be closer, really listen to her and tell her you are sorry (for whatever) , hold her hand, rub her back, cook her dinner, take her to a movie SHE wants to see...do the little things...once you establish communication/friendship/respect again...it will be fine



Your right, that is what I must do. When I see these men out in town I will ignore them unless they are outrightly ungentlemenly then I will kick their asses. But I thank you for your reply as well, its easier to forget the past when its not in your face. But I will try. Once again thanks and goodbye :)

I have a similar problem. My wife told me after 25 years of marriage and two children about her promiscuous past. A couple of years before we married she had an affair with a married man. It consisting of him calling her whenever he could get away and come over to her place and service her. This went on for 5 months. That's not all but that's what I hate the worst. She also had sex with her boss at work several time who was old enough to be her father, picked up strangers in bars, etc, etc. She told me before we were married that she had been a good girl and had never been promiscuous. This is really hard for me to accept now. I am 59 years old. If I were 39 or 49 I would just leave and call it quits but now I feel trapped and deceived all these years. She blows it off and says it was should not matter what she did when she was single and before she knew me. It really hurts and has torn my life apart for the past six months thinking about her and her sex acts. How do you get this out of your mind??

I'm in the same boat as some of you. My wife had a very promiscuous past. She was upfront with me before we got married and I made my choice. Unfortunately this does not make it any easier. 15 years we have been married and I struggle with it daily now. There were quite a few years when I never thought about it. Then a year ago, for no reason once a week it would crop into my mind. For the last 6 months, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about it ALL DAY LONG. I literally get sick to my stomach to the point of throwing up at times. The worst part is not feeling wanted or needed. I never doubt my wife's love. But often times at night you ask the same ole question only to get the same ole answer, and I can't help but think " you didn't say no to them." At least one of these guys was a dirty stinking "carny" for petes sake. My wife used to be a "horn dog" now I can't get her to instigate sex to save my life. I know hormones change and were older and more tired than we used to be, but realizing this doesn't help much. I can't help but be jealous of these guys that received my wife's affection when she was young and thin and oh so hot.

To the original poster: I know this would be easier if your wife made you feel wanted and needed. Twice a year does not sound like sex out of love but sex out of obligation on your wife's part. I know how you feel to a certain extent. I wish I had words of encouragement. Seek counseling. I can already tell you your wife's past is not your problem, but I think you already know this. If she was willing to do something she didn't want to do with someone else, why would she be with holding her affection for someone she loves? I could even except the fact that my wife was a porn star in her past if she was my own little porn star today. Please keep us updated. I hope all the best.

Three years ago!!