Hi everyone I'm new to this so sorry if this is reoccuring. I will summarize as best I can. I am a freshman in a college 2 hours away from my hometown. The girl that I will be talking about is still a senior in high school, in my home town. We broke up because her best friend flirted with me non stop. Eventually, after being together for five months and having the mindset that every senior in high school gets "i want to go out and have fun" I unconsciously flirted back. In the beginning I told her friend to just go away but me being the idiot I am let her get to me. It took me about 3 months to look back and realize I actually did flirt with her. In short we broke up because of her friend, but it was because of my stupidity. I wanted to have fun but was not dumb enough to give up something as good as with this girl that I was dating. I was stupid to flirt with her friend and admit it.

She after we broke up starting going out with another guy, and to this day, a year later, they are together. About a month ago, my ex messaged me over myspace (this being how everyone in my generation talks to each other lol) and she wanted to clear everything up between us. I thought it weird thinking it was a joke but went ahead anyway. We began talking and it was great. I apologized for being an idiot with her friend and I regret it all the time. She told me that her friend told her that I considered her friend my first love instead of her and that was, she said, about 70% of why we broke up. She told me that she wishes things would have worked out, and she finds herself wondering every now and then what would have happened if her friend got out of our lives sooner (because of events about 4 months ago my ex and her "best friend" don't even talk anymore"). She told me that she knows it could have been something and she really did love me. She told me she wanted to see me when I'm home because she misses me but until this time I have made up reasons to not see her.

My problem is this. I would love to get back together with her. I would love to be able to fix things because I have been with a lot of girls since then and nothing compared to what I felt for her. The thing is I would never consider breaking them up. I am not that low of a person to try to do that because I wouldn't want the ex of my girlfriend to do that to me. My question is should I even try to see her? She keeps asking to hang out but I keep telling her I can't or I'm busy because I don't want to cause trouble between her and her boyfriend. If I could have her for myself I would but not destroy someone for my benefit... im not like that. I just want to know how I should proceed. I figured I would wait and see if they ever break up.. then ill know and maybe after a few months move in but until then, anyone have any advice on how to proceed? Thanks for the help : )

Also, because I can't edit this, take not that I wasn't obsessive when we broke up. I didn't see that I flirted so I thought she was lying just to break up with me and I had no idea about what her friend told her. I just let her go without caring and I also regret that a lot. If I actually talked it through with her it might have worked because I would have found out the problem and maybe fixed it before it went wrong. Anyway thanks for the help.

First of all, it's so nice to hear that you will not move in on someone else's girl. Big high five to you for that. You don't hear that a lot these days.

I think you should be straight upfront with her, and tell her that although you would really like to see her, that you don't feel right about doing that since she is in a long term relationship with someone else. Explain to her how unfair and disrespectful that would be to her boyfriend. That will show her that you have morals and principles.

It's best just to come clean and communicate your reasons for not wanting to see her at this point, and see how she responds to that. That will also show you a lot about her character.

:)

Ya I agree with starbuck,

Explain to her that you still like her and don't feel it would be a good idea to see her considering she has a long term boyfriend.

You seem like a nice guy I hope that it all works out for you. :D

Explain yourself to her, and how you feel about the situation and the fact there is another guy that is involved and then move back away.

I commend you taking the high road, that's a very good thing on your part, but I warn you of giving her, and yourself, false hopes based on what ifs.

You really need to be honest with her about this, and for both your sakes, move ahead with your own life. Its already a bad omen she, and you, are getting caught up with each other over this.

Let me explain, as your past actions are only a symptom of a problem you were having before, but never resolved it, and whether it was her own insecurity, or what you thought was harmless friendly flirting, some communications would have solved that argument, in a more positive way.

Now your influence has you both looking back at what ifs, and your in different places in your life, so she is being distracted by you now, so what does that do for her relationship she is currently in?

Live your own life, and leave hers alone for now. If she breaks up with her current fellow, don't let it be because she thinks she has a chance of getting you back.

Stay on the high road.

Yeah I agree with you all 150%. So what I am getting, is that I should tell her that I still have feelings for her but that I don't think we should talk because I don't want that to get in the way of her and her current boyfriend? To me that seems like the most sensible thing to do.

" Sorry, I like you still, but I have no intention of coming back to you."




I don't think we should talk because I don't want that to get in the way of her and her current boyfriend?


She will understand actions, better than words, and being busy, and unavailable, and leaving the boyfriend out of the equation, is a powerful message.

Bringing him into it, gives her a course of action, that she thinks will change your mind, ( breaking up with him to entice you ) so any reference to him is counter-productive.

yeah i agree with you all 150%. So what i am getting, is that I should tell her that i still have feelings for her but that I dont think we should talk because I don't want that to get in the way of her and her current boyfriend? To me that seems like the most sensible thing to do.

Yes, but read what Tal said again. Don't give her false hope, or lead her in the direction where she might end her current relationship, in hopes of getting back together with you. Back away from it completely. I'm also a little concerned why she would be doing this while still in a relationship with someone else. I would pay attention to that. Even if further down the road, she separates from her current boyfriend. I would have to wonder why she went behind her bf's back and contacted you to begin with. You don't want to get into a relationship with her, and then come to find that at some point she got in touch with her ex or another guy.

All right I agree. The last thing that I want is for her to break up with her boyfriend because of or anything at all to do with me. If she did she might end up resenting me for it, and also the people around her will probably be mad that she broke up with her boyfriend for an ex and that will complicate things A lot.

From what I've seen reading her bulletins on myspace from time to time, the way she talks, and her friends is she has been having problems with her boyfriend. Even before she started talking to me I seen that because I still talk to her friends every now and then because their my friends also. If she were to break up with her boyfriend because it got so bad, should I pursue it then? I would wait a good 3-4 months at least to let her clear her head and not have it be a rebound thing. She would be the one to break up with him because he is the clingy, obsessive type of guy. He dated one of my friends and I know how he is and can tell you he wouldn't end it, it would be her. Should I wait 3-4 months or longer? If I had the opportunity I would love to get back with her, and if it goes wrong at least I knew there was nothing I could do and not live with this regret but I really think that wed go pretty far if given the chance. I don't want it to be a rebound thing so is 3-4 months a long enough time?

What if your so busy with your own life, you don't have time to speculate, assume, and presume, about hers?? No one can say when someone else will be ready for what you want, not even she can say right now, what's what.

The fact is she is still involved whether she is satisfied or not, and should be ignored, while you pursue your own interest, and not just rely on friends, or Facebook, for information or hope.

It seems you haven't entirely let go, or the recent contacts have stirred some old feelings up. Either way, give those feelings time to pass, and ask yourself again later, what you want from this.

We all get caught up in feelings sometimes and the ideas they make run through our heads, but good decisions are based on facts, not just feelings.

RED FLAG- First you, now him, thats the way its been going for her. Wonder why?

All right I see what your saying. I mean I do have a girl right now at college that I hang out with almost everyday and if I wanted I could pursue it, but I find myself at night thinking about my ex... you know the usual bull**** that comes along with this stuff and I hate it. I think I am just going to let it go because I did screw up with her badly the first time because of my I guess stupidity and immaturity. I know now if I had another chance I wouldn't mess it up at all but until I get that chance I can't let myself think about this stuff because it will eat me alive.

I think that what I am going to do from here on out is have that slight tiny little hope unless I find someone that is better (which I doubt for a while but... ) but not even think about it. If she comes up in a conversation that hope will spring up, and then go away as fast as it came because I won't dwell on things I can't really change you know. If the opportunity comes and its right for both of us then I will take it but if not... o well

Yep I agree with what everyone is saying that you shouldn't act on her because she has a boyfriends. Its sad how not everyone is like you. A guy acted on my girl and now she's confused and now we're broken up. But the thing I want to ask is why does she want to hang out with you? Does she want to be with your friend? Test the waters? If she wants to be your friend could you live on seeing her with another guy the whole time?

Its good that you told her you were busy because that just made her more curious about you and it shows her that you're not a type of guy that would be needy. But its time to do something now? If you want to be friends with her than start being friends with her and see if it leads to more than that but if you don't think you can be friends with her and you want something more let her know that it would hurt you to see him in her life and the best thing for you to do would be move on with your life. Its just what I think. Hope it helps!

Good luck!

Yeah I definitely would love to just even be here friend. In all honesty I consider her my first love. Being a senior in high school, I already a decent amount of relationships. You know the usual high school flings that last a few months only but with this girl, it was different. I really do consider her my first love and I will, honestly, always have feelings for her. FI am now more mature and know that I wouldn't screw up like I did the first time if given the chance but I also know that it isn't smart for me to pursue it I have all that down I am not as low to pursue a taken girl.

There are just so many things I want to say to her. I don't talk to her except for over "myspace" because I am two hours away in college, and I want to say so many things to her. I talk to her on myspace and I give her one word answers etc... to enforce what was stated earlier in this post, and yet she still answers me back no matter how bland my reply was with smiley faces and all sorts of ways just to keep talking to me. I just wish I could tell her all those things. There not things like I love you still blah blah blah, just apologize more in depth about what happened... for more specific things. Clear up any more questions about any lies her friend may have told her. She knows that I consider her my first love because when her friend told her I said she wasn't she was heart broken. When I told her that she was she told me I was going to make her cry lol. I just, more than anything in the world want to know what she's thinking. I don't really seek out another relationship with her because that would mean I break them up, or possibly it would be a rebound relationship because they broke up on their own I just want to say those things to her and I know I will feel better, but then I risk her getting the wrong impression, or breaking up with her boyfriend for me. If they were to break up and 3-4 months down the road we still are talking I would consider it but not because I told her these things and ruined what she had now. That is the only problem I have left with all this is saying the things I need to say without jeopardizing her relationship and her feelings.

Threads merged and edited


I let her go before and I think that I need to do the same now. I will be coming home for summer soon and she said she wants to get together and discuss more thoroughly everything that happened. Should I tell her I still love her? Should I tell her that I let her go and want nothing but for her to be happy even if its not with me? Or should I tell her nothing. I knew she would be better off hating me for what happened (rightly so) and get on with life rather than be confused because I changed. I am just confused on how I should proceed. Thanks for any help.

Ever ask yourself why she would call you after a year? And she is still in a relationship for all that time? How would you feel if you were in a relationship, and your partner was giving her ex a chance to come back. That would hurt a bit don't you think??

If she was seriously interested in you as you think, wouldn't the proper thing to do is lose the boyfriend first. The truth is she doesn't care, and just needs to be with someone, and obviously she thinks you fit that bill. That's only one real big red flag.

The most telling one is your not listening to yourself, but are going for what she is putting down, from guilt, and false hope, on your part. Its obvious she had this guy waiting in the wings, and she is trying to do the same to you, if you let her.

Follow what your mind is saying to you, and that's to leave her alone, and follow your own path, and not let her use you for something to do, just because you still have feelings that she has stirred up again, and you think you've changed, and want to correct what you think is your fault, but is NOT.

You were young, and didn't know, but you have moved beyond those mistakes, and need to stay on your path, and build your life without her, and enjoy your summer.



I let her go before and I think that I need to do the same now.
Bingo, You nailed it.

I will be coming home for summer soon and she said she wants to get together and discuss more thoroughly everything that happened.
Why rehash the past, and stir up all those old feelings and think it will be different now. What happens after the summer, when its time to go again? Don't waste it in the past, but enjoy your time and don't be a summer fling for this young girl.

Should I tell her I still love her? Should I tell her that I let her go and want nothing but for her to be happy even if its not with me? Or should I tell her nothing.
Be busy enjoying yourself and stay away from her and her boyfriend. That simple.

I knew she would be better off hating me for what happened (rightly so) and get on with life rather than be confused because I changed.
Get real will you, that sounds like you are some character from a romance novel. Your not! Get some reality and see beyond yourself or some badly written movie. You need a life.

I am just confused on how I should proceed
Talking to her will really confuse, your already confused feelings so simply leave her alone and proceed to enjoy your summer and catch up, with friends and family.