All,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read. My ex-girlfriend asked for a break about 2 weeks ago. It was completely out of the blue for me. We had both been pretty busy with work and I had been out of town in the weeks prior to the break-up, but I had no idea that a break was coming.

While I did not break down and freak out, I was pretty upset and began asking her why, and attempted to talk out the situation. She still said she needed some time to figure things out, and that she was unsure if she was making the right decision (she was very upset and crying).

During our relationship, I had often felt like she was "the one", but had always brushed aside the topic of marriage every time she brought it up, as I think I'm too young to be thinking about marriage (24 years old). I never really communicated my thoughts on the topic to her, and I feel like that was a major fault in our relationship, as she had always wanted to know where I stood.

In the 2 week interim, I have attempted NC twice, only to have broken it each time after she contacted me. The first time she contacted me, she said she missed me and wanted to see me (it was Valentine's Day). I agreed to meet her, and we had dinner together, during which she cried a lot and was very unsure sounding. We actually managed to have a great time with each other that night, and went back to her place (nothing serious happened) for a bit before I went home. Before I left, I made her promise me that she would not contact me unless she wanted to get back together. I told her it wasn't fair to me, and I did not want to have a "halfway" relationship.

I didn't speak to her until she reached out to me again via email a few days after, and said that she missed me and wanted to see me the following weekend. I said fine, but only because she initiated it. Before we actually met, she texted me and said that she thought she was being selfish because she "wants me in her life but still wants her freedom". She said she understood if I didn't want to meet her - so I said that I didn't think it was a good idea and we hung up.

Now, it's a day later and she's sent me another email - this time asking me what I'm doing about my upcoming days off. I had originally requested the days off so her and I could take a vacation together, but now that's not happening. Should I continue to keep NC and ignore this message? I feel like I've been very clear with her, and I don't think it is fair to me that she can have her cake and eat it to. At the same time, it's obvious that she still is unsure of her decision and has feelings for me. I don't want to quash any chance of us getting back together, which I think is possible since she is reaching out to me (not vice versa), but at the same time if it's not going to happen I want to NC and get over this ASAP.

Thanks for any feedback you guys may have.

How long was this relationship going on?

Continue NC, she doesn't know what she wants and right now she is just keeping you flying out in the wind.

NC means you don't answer email or text messages, you need time to heal, to even make a quality decision for if this is the relationship for you. You need to get out of that box.

Good luck to you.

Relationship was a year and a few months.

Make up your mind if she is worth taking a risk with or not.

which I think is possible since she is reaching out to me (not vice versa), but at the same time if it's not going to happen I want to NC and get over this ASAP.

Playing this game gets you no where and if you aren't willing to try it, what's the point?

A relationship is defined by how well partners can work together to solve their issues, not pouting about what ifs.

Well, I definitely think she is worth taking the risk.

So your advice is to respond to her email and ask to discuss the issues? I am worried that she is stringing me along because she is keeping contact open and is afraid she made the wrong choice.

NC -- TOTAL NC! -- is for her as well as for you. Don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you. She also needs the time away.

NC -- TOTAL NC! -- is for her as well as for you. Don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you. She also needs the time away.

Thanks for the advice. Do you think you could elaborate a little bit on this? The way I see it, there are really four routes that stem from going NC:

1.) We both decide that we want to get back
2.) I decide to move on
3.) She decides to move on
4.) We both mutually decide to move on

So my question, I suppose, is how do I reach out if I want to get her back at the end of NC? Should I just never contact her and assume if she doesn't contact me, it's over? Or should I wait until I feel ready and reach out to her? I realize I am dealing in hypotheticals and may be asking a question that is difficult to answer.

Never contact her, if she never contacts you, than you won't even notice the relationship is over, you will be moved on.

Thanks for the advice. Do you think you could elaborate a little bit on this? The way I see it, there are really four routes that stem from going NC:

1.) We both decide that we want to get back
2.) I decide to move on
3.) She decides to move on
4.) We both mutually decide to move on

So my question, I suppose, is how do I reach out if I want to get her back at the end of NC? Should I just never contact her and assume if she doesn't contact me, it's over? Or should I wait until I feel ready and reach out to her? I realize I am dealing in hypotheticals and may be asking a question that is difficult to answer.
Not difficult at all! Set a time - agree to, say, three months of total NC (i.e. long enough to make it worthwhile), then figure out what you two want.

Isn't reaching out to her to set a time frame breaking NC?

But won't reaching out to her to set a time frame break NC?

Isn't reaching out to her to set a time frame breaking NC?
You haven't started NC yet, have you? If so, tell me how. If she contacts you again, with firmness tell her the time frame with NC and then start NC.

Sorry for the double post above, browser is being odd. So the last contact I had with her was two days ago, when I said it wasn't a good idea if we meet. Since then, the only contact we have had was when she contacted me this morning asking about my days off. Should I take this opportunity to address the NC time frame? Or should I simply continue my two day NC.

Sorry for the double post above, browser is being odd. So the last contact I had with her was two days ago, when I said it wasn't a good idea if we meet. Since then, the only contact we have had was when she contacted me this morning asking about my days off. Should I take this opportunity to address the NC time frame? Or should I simply continue my two day NC.
If you can do it, go with NC from here on, but it sounds like she needs definite boundaries. I have no doubt she will contact you again. Then what will you do?

If you can do it, go with NC from here on, but it sounds like she needs definite boundaries. I have no doubt she will contact you again. Then what will you do?
That's the thing, I don't know. I mean, I want to get back together with her, but this whole break thing is her call. If it was up to me, we would be back together right now. I don't know how to handle the fact that she is still contacting me. I feel like I can implement NC, but I'm still in the "NC is the best way to get her back" mode.

If she wants a break, why is she still contacting me? It's just confusing me. What if we set a time frame, and then she still continues to contact me?

BTW, thank you very much for continuing to respond.

If she wants a break, why is she still contacting me?
Why do you think?

Why do you think?
I think it's because she still has feelings for me and was unsure about the break to begin with. It's obvious she still wants me in her life (she has said that to me a few times), but it's also obvious she doubts the relationship to a degree, otherwise she wouldn't have asked for the break.

I think it's because she still has feelings for me and was unsure about the break to begin with. It's obvious she still wants me in her life (she has said that to me a few times), but it's also obvious she doubts the relationship to a degree, otherwise she wouldn't have asked for the break.
So she needs time away from you totally to regroup and decide what she really wants. As long as you are on her radar screen, she can't separate from you enough to think clearly.

So she needs time away from you totally to regroup and decide what she really wants. As long as you are in her radar, she can't separate from you enough to think clearly.
Ok, so maybe I need to convey this to her? I don't think she realizes this.

Ok, so maybe I need to convey this to her? I don't think she realizes this.
Have you mentioned NC to her?

Have you mentioned NC to her?
No, not yet.

No, not yet.
Then she has no set boundaries. Of course she will keep contacting you.

If she does again, tell her with no other embellishment, "We need time away from each other. It's NC now between us for three months -- no IMing, no phone calls, no email, no texting. Good bye."

Threads merged


My post is lengthy, but I would appreciate your advice.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for roughly 2 years. We are both 24 and work at the same office. We were very serious with each other and had planned on moving in with each other in a few months. We had talked seriously about marriage, and about kids. Over the last six months, however, I had been noticing that things were different. Both of us would come home from work very tired, and at times she would not want to be intimate. She also bought a dog during this time. I loved the dog, but it changed our relationship quite a bit in that she was no longer able to come over to my house as easily, etc. Even though it made things more difficult, I adjusted and took it in stride.

Then, four months ago, she told me that she wanted 'space'. I have been in two long-term relationships prior to this, and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on how to deal with this kind of conversation. I also read this board quite a bit, and applied the useful advice I learned here. I immediately told her that she can have her space, but made it clear that this meant 100% NC. I assumed that we were done. After about two weeks of NC, she got back in touch with me and we went to dinner and she said that she wanted to give us another try. I was willing, so we got back together.

Things were going well after we got back together, until about a month ago. I began to notice what can only be described as a general lack of effort on her part. I began to feel like I was always the one calling her, or proposing things for us to do. She began to go out drinking more with her friends. I have no problem with this, as I like to go out with my friends as well, but what started bothering me was that she would no longer call when she came home. Before, she would call each night when she got home, no matter how drunk she was. There were several times where I told her that it bothered me that she did that, and she said she understood and that it would bother her as well. Still, she didn't change the behaviour.

Last week, I put my theory (that I was the only one putting the effort in) to the test, and didn't make an effort to contact her at all during the day. To my surprise, she didn't contact me once. The next day, I called her and told her I was extremely unhappy with how things were, told her I felt like I was in a one-sided relationship and that I didn't want to be in one like that. She replied that she understood, and that maybe she wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now.

Again, I assumed that it was over. She wrote me saying she was upset, she misses me and loves me, but she feels like this is what's best for right now. I wrote her back and said that I agreed with her, and that she shouldn't think that I am angry because I am not responding. I said that the NC is for me, and that anything else (ie, being friends) is unacceptable. She agreed. The difficult thing is that since we work together, we see each other all of the time. While we don't work directly together, we are in the same building and I always seem to pass her in the hallways, etc. I'm still unsure how to act in this environment.

Today, it's been one week on NC. We met today briefly and talked a bit about us. She said that she there were times when she wanted to pick up the phone and call, but she also said that she "felt like she needed this" and that she "understands the NC". I took these comments to mean that we are done.

Anyway, I just wanted to hear the board's opinions on my situation. I'd like to think that by now, I'm a seasoned dating veteran, and I know that NC is the way to go. This time is especially hard because I was convinced I had found 'the one'. I'm going to work through this and move on, but I can't help but want this to have a future later down the road. Thanks all for reading - it's been therapeutic to just type all this out.

My guess is she feels you are too either/or, black or white, this is it or else. Like a night goes by without her calling and you feel the relationship is doomed.
Usually it is the other way around the girl wants to hear from the guy every day while the guy feels that it should be okay to have their space and not worry that it means the relationship is going down hill.
Also I noticed in what you wrote that you were calling all the shots saying maybe we need a break, you didn't call, etc...
You haven't said anything about her side of things.
So also my guess is that she feels she can't have her say on things because she notices you assume too much and she just goes along with it and takes the relationship somewhat for granted.
Maybe a better approach would be ask her exactly where she sees the relationship as it is and where she would like to see changes and improvements.
With you saying we are going to have NO Contact, the way you seem to be going about it, seems to me that it is like a testing game where you are dangling the carrot to see if she bites.
She may feel this No Contact on again off again is crazy and could be the very thing that could drive her away.

I don't think you are controlling but you seem to be more the type that needs to analyze everything and figure out a way to make it work rather than just going with the flow and accepting things where ever they go.

You might be better off just loosening up and not giving her expectations, this is the way it is going to be or else and time limits. Rather than you not calling her to see if she calls and then telling her you are going into no contact because she didn't call try just being open to when she calls she calls and when she doesn't she doesn't. If she calls then you know she still does care.

Okay I went to submit my reply and it had been added to your feb post. So I am more sure about what I said.
Now is this girl the same as the ex you are talking about in your feb post?

From what I gather you are using NC as a cat and mouse game and she is waiting ON YOU to see if you are going to take your relationship in a real direction and if not she may feel she has to work on giving up.

I am sure that your using NC is doing your relationship harm because it is being used like a game that she may feel you are using to obligate her if she wants to be with you.

Your biggest mistake, Your misguided use of NC. It's a healing tool, not a dating technique. For the record, you have never applied it at all, so stop thinking you have.

What you have really done is tried to manipulate her behavior, to get what you want, instead of doing the mature thing, and worked together thru honest communications to resolve your issues, to the benefit of you both.

The time for NC, was in February when she first asked for space, not now while you are trying to work together.

Do that, and you may find out what it takes to be happy with each other.

Thanks for the input. This is the same girl from my Feb post.

Are you guys of the opinion that I should try to work through these issues even though she has said she agrees that we need a break? She has also said that she doesn't think she needs a boyfriend right now.

If you want to have her as your girlfriend you need to quit using the break and NC on her. Tell her you realize you have been doing some things wrong and would like to discuss your relationship and how to get it on the right track. Then let her tell you what she would like to see in the relationship and how she would like things to be.
Tell her you can do the break if that is what she wants and in the meantime you are going to work on where you have been going wrong. Ask her for her insight on what you should do different.

Usually 'I don't want a boyfriend, I need a break' is a polite way to let you down easy. So you need to have a heart felt talk with her without the games and let her do most of the talking. Tell her she can tell you what you are doing wrong and you are willing to change those things. After all it would be better than losing her right?

she has said she agrees that we need a break? She has also said that she doesn't think she needs a boyfriend right now.
Doesn't matter what we think, what do you think? You know her a lot better than we do. I think she is reacting to the way you express yourself to her, but can't be sure.

Doesn't matter what we think, what do you think?? You know her a lot better than we do. I think she is reacting to the way you express yourself to her, but can't be sure.

Exactly what I think she is in reaction mode to his behavior.

All right guys, a little update on my situation. I'm starting to realize that the last month or so of our relationship, she really started to grow distant. It's amazing how NC can help you reflect on things with a bit of a clearer head. I still really miss what we had, and love her a lot, but I am coming to realize that all the memories and things I miss about us were from before things started to go south.

I've read some other threads, and found similarities to my situation. The last time we spoke, my ex said that she "felt tied down" and that she "shouldn't be in a serious relationship" if she felt that way. As much as I want to think that she just needs some space, everything I've heard indicates that this could be utterly over.

I've been in NC for close to 2 weeks now. I have to see her every day at work, and it really makes things hard. I find myself constantly wondering what she is thinking when she sees me, if she misses me, etc. Sometimes I think about calling one of her friends, just to get an idea of what she is thinking, but I know this is a mistake. I know that NC is about moving on for myself, and I honestly think I would be making a lot more progress if I didn't see her everyday. Sometimes the urge to reach out to her is almost unbearable, but I keep thinking that I will feel worse if I do.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

You are right, seeing her every day is hurting your progress.

Are you ready and willing to seek new employment?

To be honest, I'm not. The job I have is fantastic and it is my career of choice, and I would not consider leaving because of her.

Emotionally, it sucks though.

Then I guess it's 'Suck it up, buttercup' time. ;)

Things will continue to get easier. Just avoid as much as possible and pray she gets another job opportunity.

Next time rethink dating a co-worker unless you are willing to leave your job. :)

Yeah, before we met I would never think of dating a co-worker. In fact, it was one of my personal rules.

However, I sort of became convinced that she was perfect, we would get married, etc. so in my mind this risk was non-existent.

Another question - I'm trying to be polite when we pass in the halls, with just a smile and a "hey", like I would with any other co-worker. Does this count as violating my NC? It's kind of unavoidable, I feel.

I would be cordial, but I wouldn't go out of my way to do it, if necessary, nod with a smile in passing, but I personally I would be doing more of the floor scoping.

Only do what you are comfortable doing and be wary of opening doors that you have already worked so hard to close.

ATG 94, Yeah, before we met I would never think of dating a co-worker. In fact, it was one of my personal rules.

You took a risk, it didn't work. You have a good reason to stick to your own rules now. Hard life lesson.


However, I sort of became convinced that she was perfect, we would get married, etc. so in my mind this risk was non-existent.

Love, or intense feeling do that sometimes and if it had worked out we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd be on cloud nine. But sadly it didn't work, so you regroup, and make adjustments.

Another question - I'm trying to be polite when we pass in the halls, with just a smile and a "hey", like I would with any other co-worker. Does this count as violating my NC? It's kind of unavoidable, I feel
No its not a violation at all, and is exactly how your supposed to act in my view. Don't beat yourself up about it, and be patient with yourself, and as your recovery moves along, and you start having fun and get happy with your life, she will just be a pleasant PAST memory.

Your doing better than you think just build on it, one day at a time.

All right guys, I broke.

I had been going well for so long, but after the weekend I missed her so bad. I saw her on the way to work and I couldn't take it anymore - I had to talk to her. I didn't bring us up at all, we just caught up about really mundane things. It was amiable on both sides.

I know this was a mistake, and I feel like I shouldn't have done it. I guess it proves to me I have a long way to go. I still miss her so much, I just wish I had some indication as to what she is feeling.

Be careful what you ask for, as it might not be what you want to hear.

Yeah, I understand that. Do you think I should stay NC? Is there any upside to talking with her?

Nope none at all except if you like pain ( some people do ). Your situation is very rough since you are seeing your ex everyday, and you're not jumping into another relationship ( proper healing process ). One advice I can give you is to concentrate on something that you want to do really badly (hiking, visiting a new place, moving in another place, how to get a promotion... ), when you are most likely to see her. Maybe you can flirt a little ( try not to get into a relationship ).

It seems like you two are better off as friends. You love each other, you miss the good times, but whenever you work on "a relationshp" one or both of you freak out and run for the hills.
You both need to understand that you both are needy of companionship, but are not ready for a serious relationship. You should just remain friends/co-workers. You are going to see her at work so you can't really avoid her, but you don't have to be her yo-yo either.

Do you think I should stay NC?
Absolutely

Is there any upside to talking with her?
Not until your over any hope of anything, other than friendship. Real friendship, not the kind that HOPES for romance.

A good gage of your healing, it won't bother you to know she is with someone else.

Is there any upside to talking with her?


Maybe for her. I don't think you should have the mentality of trying to get back together. She has clearly stated that she wants her freedom, that's why she dumped you. The reason she keeps running back is because she wants to make HERSELF feel better, and could honestly care less about how you feel.

Like you said, have her cake and eat it too. That's exactly what it is, don't try to mix it up by her wanting another chance with you, as if she wanted that, there would be no hesitation from her. Right now, freedom is more important in her life right now so don't try to hold onto her or any hope. Go NC for yourself, not for her. Don't answer anything she contacts you on, not one thing. I know it's hard, but all break ups aren't a walk in the park, you have to deal with what she gave you... and now she has to deal with you not being there, because after all, it was her decision.


NC is right for you, try not to let her take advantage of your feelings.

Is there any upside to talking with her?
Believe nothing good will come out if you talk to her. You are still holidng on to that last bit of false hope and the only reason you want to talk to her is because you still think there is a chance of you guys getting back together. The only way to let go of that last bit is to stay NC. It might be hard in the short term but believe me it will pay off in the long term. You definitely do NOT want to talk to her and open that can of worms again. And it will definitely not give you any sort of closure. Just stay strong and focused

I agree with everyone here. NC is the best for you. It will definitely be the straw to break the camel's back. She's a fence straddler. NC for you promote will promote healing, and it will certainly make it clear to her which is really most important. Don't wait around for her. Just continue on with your emotional health and move on with your life. The straw to break the camel's back may just break her. You seem like a strong and mature individual and will mend from this in a healthy way. She may have lost her "one". And she figure that out soon or she could simply regress to a state of mind that she's just not ready to let go of yet.

Hey guys, I've been going strong NC for a while now. I still am seeing her all the time at work. I'd like to think that it is getting easier, but whenever I see her it is really painful. She even called me a bit ago (I missed the call), but she didn't leave a message so I didn't call back. I figure that if she wanted to work things out, she would at least leave a message.

I've been trying new stuff to keep myself busy, and my good friend has been really supportive. We've gone out together a few times and chatted up some girls, but invariably I just find myself comparing them to my ex. I know this is unfair, but it's really hard for me not to do it.

Sometimes I just feel like crap, especially in the mornings. She's always the first thing I think about every morning. I know I'm not supposed to be placing her on a pedestal, but she really was everything I wanted in a significant other. Each day, the hope that she comes back dies a little bit.

Anyway, I'm just venting. NC is a struggle, but I know it's the right thing to do.

During the healing process, we all go through times where we feel great and times where we feel like s---. This is just one of those times where you feel like s---. I'm going on month 10 and I still get those days where I feel like crap.

Keep pushing forward. These feelings you have will pass. The fact that you see her all the time would be hard for anyone. You have to suck it up and be strong.

Thanks for the words. I'm trying to move through it and stay NC.

Sometimes I get the crazy idea that by not showing her how much this is affecting me and not contacting her, I'm somehow validating her decision. Like I don't care enough to even call after the break up, so she made the right move ending it. Like it's some kind of test.

When I get this thought, it makes me feel better to think of that line from Swingers, which basically says that the only thing that you can do by contacting them is push them further away. That movie is so perfect for break ups.

Thanks for the words. I'm trying to move through it and stay NC.

Sometimes I get the crazy idea that by not showing her how much this is affecting me and not contacting her, I'm somehow validating her decision. Like I don't care enough to even call after the break up, so she made the right move ending it. Like it's some kind of test.

When I get this thought, it makes me feel better to think of that line from Swingers, which basically says that the only thing that you can do by contacting them is push them further away. That movie is so perfect for break ups.

First of all, it's not a test, it's life. NC is for YOU and only for you. It's not in order to play a mind game with your ex. It is really to get her out of your life.

ATG, how are you doing now?

Hey, thanks for asking.

I've been NC for about 3 weeks now. Our last conversation involved me asking her if she wanted to get a drink to talk about things. She refused, and then via email I asked her a few questions about why things happened the way they did. She basically said she wanted to spend time with her friends more, didn't want to be tied down, wanted to be single. She also said how I was such a great boyfriend, etc. She then went on to say how she still cares about me, and didn't want to hurt me. She then called that night, but I wasn't near my phone and I didn't call back. All of this sounds very similar to a lot of stories on here. I know she is just trying to absolve herself from feeling guilty. If she really cared about me, she wouldn't have done this to begin with.

I am doing better on the whole, I think. I've been on a few dates, thought they went pretty well and I had a good time with the girls I was with. Being single can be fun at times, and I'm slowly learning that.

I still do get depressed about her every few days. I suffer a minor setback every time I see her at work, but have managed to fight through it each time.

I think that a large part of my problem is the how I put her on such a pedestal. I was so attracted to her, and her personality matched mine so well that it makes it really hard to talk to other women because I compare them to her. I constantly worry that somehow I managed to screw up with the perfect girl. I know this isn't a healthy attitude to have, so I am trying to correct it. I keep searching for the negatives of our relationship, and try to focus on them and that seems to help.

I'm going to maintain NC. I basically ignore her at work - it seems to help me get through the days. I've booked some trips to see some old friends, and I've gotten in fantastic shape. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is a good feeling.

All right guys, it's been 3.5 months now since the break up. Over the last month or so I've felt awesome. I've been working out a ton, and killing it at work. As a result had a really positive career move happen recently. These things have kept me very busy and productive.

I still see the ex at work a lot. A few times we even had a brief conversation. I didn't read into this at all, and I just went about my business afterwords, no problem. It didn't affect me.

Yesterday, however, I heard that she was seeing someone else from work. I don't know how true it is, but the person who told me was pretty convinced. This absolutely crushed me for about 3 hours. I was unable to do anything. To be honest, I was really taken aback by my reaction. I thought I was past this. Whether it's true really doesn't matter; it's clear I haven't made enough progress.

I feel pretty OK today, all things considered, but I do think about it a lot. I haven't really had the time (or desire) to explore the dating scene, but it just really bothers me to think about her out with other guys. I mean, dating another guy from work? That's pretty cold blooded if it's true.

I guess I'm more disappointed in myself than anything else. It's been 3.5 months, why can't I get this out of my mind? I've done all the right things, and a significant amount of time has passed.

Not really asking a specific question here, just would like to get my thoughts out and hear what you guys think. It has always helped me before.

It's a normal reaction to hearing that she s seeing someone new and the work situation s adding to this.
You have made good progress and you ll continue to make even better progress!

Thanks for the input. My friend seems to think that if didn't see her all the time, this would be way past me. He's probably right, I suppose.

Hey ATG, no matter how sunny or great the weather is, it changes and you get some rain. The point, this to shall pass in time, just stay with the positive attitude and stay focused on what made you happy before you heard the news of what she was up to. Nothing has changed, just your attitude.