Here's my problem. I've been married for 5 years and I cheated on my husband after 2 years of marriage with my ex boyfriend. This happened when my husband called me names after having our daughter. I was self conscious and needed attention.

I ran into an old friend and not long after we began an affair, that lasted two years. My lover never told me he loved me not even when we were a couple. Every time I ask how do you feel about me he says that we have a connection unlike any other woman he's ever known. BUT NEVER THE WORDS I LOVE YOU!!

Also the affair ended and I started to patch things up with my husband but after I told my husband he never was the same but always tried but never could he let go of the past.
After some time passed my ex boyfriend contacted me again and wanted to hook up. I would always go see him but never do anything because I wanted him to want me without getting me. And this lasted for about a year and I felt like I was in control. I had him right where I wanted him.

But then one day I messed up and I gave him oral sex but not because I wanted to but because he kept pushing my head down to do it and then I did like a dummy. He is married now with a son which makes things a whole lot worse than it use to be.

I've known him since I was 12 and now I'm 27. What are we doing? What is this and does he even really care about me? And how do I let him go when I think of him all the time... he is not better sexually than my husband but I still can't get him out of my head...

So you can't blame him for you giving him oral. You should've never put yourself in that situation.

Why do you keep cheating on your husband? If you want out then leave because there's no so since on keep hurting. Didn';t you learn from the first time around? How would you like it if your husband cheated on you?

Stop talking to your exes since you've no self-control unless you like being used for sex.

So you can't blame him for you giving him oral. You should've never put yourself in that situation.

Why do you keep cheating on your husband? If you want out then leave because there's no so since on keep hurting. Didn';t you learn from the first time around? How would you like it if your husband cheated on you?

Stop talking to your exes since you've no self-control unless you like being used for sex.

I understand this totally and my ex knows I have a hard time telling him NO... My husband is a great guy really despite him talking about my weight after having or child he is ideal... but whenever my husband makes me mad I call my ex... and I know he uses me for sex my husband told me that but I use him too... but I still just want my ex to love me why I don't know... I just do... :(

If you have a hard time telling your ex no then that is more of a reason to stay away from him and work on yourself for yourself because your esteem is shot. Realize that your love is misplace because you can't make someone love you and your ex at this point is using you because he knows he can.

Maybe you and your husband needs counselling.

You put yourself in this situation. A respectable married woman would not hang around a guy who wanted in her pants like in this situation ( she would simple leave), nor a married man a woman that was purely interested in getting in his pants.

Reverse this situation... how would you feel if it was him with an ex-girlfriend... Do you think you would let it drop in only three years after it happened only 2 years into a marriage. Your numbers there.

You breached his trust and violated the sanctity of marriage. And you did it not once but more than once. You have a LOT to make up for before you deserve forgiveness. First step is understanding what you did, from HIS perspective. Don't you think?

Is there a chance to get it back? Yeah, maybe... but every time you do this you lose a lot more of that chance. Would you appreciate, respect or love a man who would repeatedly cheat on you?

If you have a hard time telling your ex no then stay away from him and work on yourself for yourself because your esteem is shot. Realize that your love is misplace because you can't make someone love you and your ex at this point is using you because he knows he can.

Maybe you and your husband needs counselling.

My husband don't know about this recent encounter with my ex and I am very hesitate to tell him, because it will crush him... my husband says that I think that he is a joke and that he will always take me back... then he says I take you back because I love you and that that guy don't. Which is true and I know this but I love my ex... not enough to leave my husband but enough to just want to be around him occasionally.

The thing is I'm prettier than my ex's wife and this makes me mad why I don't know. He is a very attractive guy and I always thought we would end up together my husband is handsome, kind and sweet but I am not a 100% attracted to my husband never was. But I will never find a guy better than him. I didn't want to be a shallow person so I continued to date my husband even though he was not drop dead gorgeous and my ex boyfriend was...

You put yourself in this situation. A respectable married woman would not hang around a guy who wanted in her pants like in this situation ( she would simple leave), nor a married man a woman that was purely interested in getting in his pants.

Reverse this situation....how would you feel if it was him with an ex-girlfriend....Do you think you would let it drop in only three years after it happened only 2 years into a marriage. Your numbers there.

You breached his trust and violated the sanctity of marriage. And you did it not once but more than once. You have a LOT to make up for before you deserve forgiveness. First off understanding what you did, from HIS perspective. Don't you think?

Is there a chance to get it back? Yeah, maybe...but every time you do this you lose a lot more of that chance.

Call me crazy but I want my husband to cheat on me because then I would know that he is not that perfect... I was my husband's first and only and he throws this in my face all the time... that there's no one else but me... but he knows he wasn't my first and at the time when we were younger never took a guys virginity and I was happy he choose me to but now I think my experience with other guys is the problem because as I mentioned even though they are not better sexually than my husband I still long for them sometimes...

I don't understand this and neither does my husband he thinks that there is something wrong with him and I tell him over and over that he pleases me my mind just wonders

Confused Woman you need some serious counselling instead of running to another man's arm. You need to understand the true meaning of a marriage.

No matter what no one can make you happy if your unhappy with yourself and it seems your very unhappy with yourself. Do you even know what love means?

Btw, of course your husband doesn't knows about your current affair until he finds out. Now how is he going find out, I don't know but you need to be honest with him anddon't get mad if he leaves you this time becauseif I was him I would. Cheating only creates more problems and hurt that other person more than words can describe.

You really don't deserve to be married. Your choices have shown a level of immaturity, selfishness and disrespect that no partner deserves. What are you thinking? All of this has been about you, and I'm sure you've made up every excuse in the book to justify your behaviors the whole way through. Your problem with him has been that he has had a hard time letting go of the past? That's normal! And what's even worse is that you didn't keep your infidelity in the past at all, did you? I think it's like you've been throwing sexual temper tantrums. You've been cheating emotionally, and you've been cheating physically. You're also acting like a home wrecker in other people's relationships. Ask yourself this: how much of this have you done because you are unbelievably insecure? You're also behaving like a toxic narcissist. Your posts show zero remorse and zero empathy for your husband. It's bizarre. If you don't want to act like a married woman, then fess up to your husband and do him the biggest favor of your lives: get a divorce.

you really don't deserve to be married. your choices have shown a level of immaturity, selfishness and disrespect that no partner deserves. what are you thinking?? all of this has been about you, and i'm sure you've made up every excuse in the book to justify your behaviors the whole way through. your problem with him has been that he has had a hard time letting go of the past? that's normal! and what's even worse is that you didn't keep your infidelity in the past at all, did you? i think it's like you've been throwing sexual temper tantrums. you've been cheating emotionally, and you've been cheating physically. you're also acting like a home wrecker in other people's relationships. ask yourself this: how much of this have you done because you are unbelievably insecure? you're also behaving like a toxic narcissist. your posts show zero remorse and zero empathy for your husband. it's bizarre. if you don't want to act like a married woman, then fess up to your husband and do him the biggest favor of your lives: get a divorce.


You know we got married young and I do love my husband very much but you sound like him he says I have no emotion at all but I do I just don't know haow to show it. I want my husband and I just want to be wanted or desired by other men... Never been a home wrecker and don't want to be don't know what a toxic narcissist is but I will look it up... and I have fessed up to my husband and he don't want to let me go... so I stay

You know we got married young and I do love my husband very much but you sound like him he says I have no emotion at all but I do I just dont know haow to show it. I want my husband and I just want to be wanted or desired by other men.......Never been a home wrecker and dont want to be dont know what a toxic narcissist is but I will look it up...........and I have fessed up to my husband and he dont want to let me go.....so I stay

This is all very sad. It sounds like your husband needs counseling too. There's no question in my mind that you should be seeking help. You might have gotten married young, but I'm guessing you weren't 5; you knew what marriage meant. Do you know what it means now? Because you're still into other men. If your husband also thinks you lack empathy (and I think your posts certainly do) then yes, you ought to research narcissism. If you want to know more about it, there's a book that would be perfect for your husband called Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist. You can read it too. I appreciate your honesty in these posts. I wish you well.

Wow, what I see hear is a big respect issue. First you have no respect for yourself. You are allowing a total jerk to use you for his personal sex toy. How low is that. You first have to have respect four yourself before ANY relationship will work. Friendship or marriage.

Second you have no respect for your husband. If you did you would just call the marriage off and admit you made a huge mistake. Lets call a spade a spade stop the "my husband is a really good guy" stuff and just admit that you don't love him or respect him enough to be totally committed to him for the rest of your life, like a REAL wife should. When you say things like "my husband is not drop dead gorgeous like my ex", or "I am prettier than his wife" those are self centered high school comments that prove you don't have the maturity to be in a committed relationship. If you respected him you would call off the affair and commit yourself to him... PERIOD!!

And third and most sad you don't even have enough respect for your own daughter to stop sleeping around. If you did you would tell you ex I am a wife and a mother and I no longer need you or your games. If that helpless little child of yours does not mean enough for you to stop running around on her dad than just do the honorable thing and end this marriage before you ruin her life as well.

Lets face facts, your husband loves you too much to walk away. If you don't want to call it quits than you need to get to a GOOD marriage counselor ASAP.

I agree with DSM521 - maybe you aren't in the right place to be in any relationship right now.

Wow, what I see hear is a big respect issue. First you have no respect for yourself. You are allowing a total jerk to use you for his personal sex toy. How low is that. You first have to have respect four yourself before ANY relationship will work. Friendship or marriage.

Second you have no respect for your husband. If you did you would just call the marriage off and admit you made a huge mistake. Lets call a spade a spade stop the "my husband is a really good guy" stuff and just admit that you don't love him or respect him enough to be totally committed to him for the rest of your life, like a REAL wife should. When you say things like "my husband is not drop dead gorgeous like my ex", or "I am prettier than his wife" those are self centered high school comments that prove you don't have the maturity to be in a committed relationship. If you respected him you would call off the affair and commit your self to him........PERIOD!!!!

And third and most sad you don't even have enough respect for your own daughter to stop sleeping around. If you did you would tell you ex I am a wife and a mother and I no longer need you or your games. If that helpless little child of yours does not mean enough for you to stop running around on her dad than just do the honorable thing and end this marriage before you ruin her life as well.

Lets face facts, your husband loves you too much to walk away. If you don't want to call it quits than you need to get to a GOOD marriage counselor ASAP.

Wow I never thought of my child and my husband so much because it felt like it was about me I had the problem and I had to solve it. My daughter just turned four and is more aware of her surroundings and I want her to know that I love her father he is really great. When I'm at work he cooks and clean just to help me out. But I am really cold sometimes and don't know how to get out of that rut.

My comments are immature and self centered when it comes to the comments of his wife and husband's appearance. I have wanted out of my marriage but then I don't want to let go of the one person that may actually treat me like a queen and a lady.

As far as my ex he really makes me sick and a year and 6 months went by before I even did anything with him again... I just don't know how to tell him NO!! But then when I did tell him no I felt so good and strong...

I just want to make things right...

Think about the reason he IS your ex-boyfriend. There must be a reason.

You need to see a counselor. Period.

I suggest you make an appointment today.

Think about the reason he IS your ex-boyfriend. There must be a reason.

In college I was dating my now ex and my husband at the same time. My husband was my high school sweetheart and my ex I knew since junior high but we never had sex until college. To make a long story short during college I was dating them both at the same time neither knew about it but on a date with my now ex it was his birthday and we went out and he got drunk and threw up all over me. And he was so out of it and his friend had to take him back home. My my ex was in the back passed out his friend kept making advances at me and I was young and really uncomfortable. Once I got to my car I vowed to never see my now ex again because he looked like an alcoholic which was what my father was and I didn't want to go down that road...

So I dumped him got tighter my high school sweetheart which a year and a half later after that incedent became my husband...

I noticed under another question you had posted, you were given some very mean answers. I am sorry.

I noticed under another question you had posted, you were given some very mean answers. I am sorry.


Well people don't know that this is hard for me and I want to make this right... st this time can't afford counseling and trying to do it off pure will is not enough... people are mean but it's easier to judge my life on the outside looking in...

But if they were in the situation it wouldn't be easily cut and dry...

I know.

Call me crazy but I want my husband to cheat on me because then I would know that he is not that perfect......I was my husband's first and only and he throws this in my face all the time......that there's no one else but me.....but he knows he wasnt my first and at the time when we were younger never took a guys virginity and I was happy he choose me to but now I think my experience with other guys is the problem becaus as I mentioned even though they are not better sexually than my husband I still long for them sometimes........

I dont understand this and neither does my husband he thinks that there is something wrong with him and I tell him over and over that he pleases me my mind just wondersThen you were not ready to get married if that's how you feel. YOu should have known this before you got yourself into this mess, its even worse that you went and had a kid as well knowing this. ( I believe you did make that statement earlier).

Yeah, he takes his vows seriously like most married couples... thats why he feels hurt. You do not understand this yet.

I'm not saying married people don't soimetimes think about others... most do from time to time but they don't act out on it.

As has been mentioned before... perhaps counseling is in order. It will help you understand what you are thinking as well as to better understand what most other people think in this situation. Pehaps he isn't willing to forgive a woman that hasn't yet really grasped exactly what it was she did and why it was wrong.

Well people dont know that this is hard for me and I want to make this right......st this time can't afford counseling and trying to do it off pure will is not enough......people are mean but it's easier to judge my life on the outside looking in......

But if they were in the situation it wouldn't be easily cut and dry.....

Sorry, honey. Maybe I'm mean, but I HAVE been in a very similar situation, and it IS that cut and dry.

Your ex is a jerk that's using you as his hooker. For free. I'd be at LEAST charging him an orgasm if you're determined that you have to be that easy.

Your husband is a good man that took his vows seriously, and expected you to, too. You have a daughter by him, and made him a promise in front of your god and the world---and yeah, he has every right to be angry and hurt with you. You're lucky he didn't take your daughter and serve you divorce papers already.

You NEED to talk to a counselor. You have extremely low self esteem, and you feel the need to have men want you and love you to feel validated as a person. That's stupid and the attitude of a 13 year old.

Many places have free counseling, or where you can pay on a sliding scale. And I bet if you told your husband that you wanted to get counseling to fix you and your marriage, the two of you could FIND the money from somewhere. If nothing else, cancel your cell phone so that your ex can't call you for a hookup--if your cell is like mine, that's at least $60 a month right there.

Most of all--Grow up, little girl. This isn't about you. It's about how YOU treat other people.

If he cared about you he would not more or less force you into going down on him.
That was an act of humiliation and should have been your wake -up call.He may have been intentionally crude to send you a message.

Maybe you can't get him out of your head because he dumped you.Some people would see that as a challenge and want to get back just so they can be the one to call it off.

Sorry, honey. Maybe I'm mean, but I HAVE been in a very similar situation, and it IS that cut and dry.

Your ex is a jerk that's using you as his hooker. For free. I'd be at LEAST charging him an orgasm if you're determined that you have to be that easy.

Your husband is a good man that took his vows seriously, and expected you to, too. You have a daughter by him, and made him a promise in front of your god and the world---and yeah, he has every right to be angry and hurt with you. You're lucky he didn't take your daughter and serve you divorce papers already.

You NEED to talk to a counselor. You have extremely low self esteem, and you feel the need to have men want you and love you to feel validated as a person. That's stupid and the attitude of a 13 year old.

Many places have free counseling, or where you can pay on a sliding scale. And I bet if you told your husband that you wanted to get counseling to fix you and your marriage, the two of you could FIND the money from somewhere. If nothing else, cancel your cell phone so that your ex can't call you for a hookup--if your cell is like mine, that's at least $60 a month right there.

Most of all--Grow up, little girl. This isn't about you. It's about how YOU treat other people.


No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree... I'm not 13 years old... I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do... and I know I'm attractive I just don't feel attractive arong him... And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me...

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor... but I would love to see you in this situation... I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me...

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree.....I'm not 13 years old.....I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do......and I know I'm attractive I just dont feel attractive arong him.......And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me......

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor.......but I would love to see you in this situation.....I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me.....

That is wonderful news and a great start.

Everyone handles situations differently, but you have let this situation get out of control. If you want the control back in your life, handle this, cut out the ex, stop catering to a man that is using you.

Good luck to you and God bless.

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree.....I'm not 13 years old.....I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do......and I know I'm attractive I just dont feel attractive arong him.......And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me......

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor.......but I would love to see you in this situation.....I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me.....The point we are trying to stress is most married people would never let themselves get into this situation... they would distance themselves from a person who is trying to get into their pants... or even has shared a romantic past.

THe fact you actively did this... not once but repeatedly is the problem.

It has nothing to do with how good you look or not... or even how good he looks or not. Its about commitment... and the fact when YOU married your husband you were supposed to put all this behind you once and for all, not just when its convenient for you... or unless the mood strikes you.

Did you not read my answer fully?

I HAVE been a situation very similar to that. I cheated on my husband, and it was a nasty situation.

I'm telling you, FROM EXPERIENCE, that you need to NEVER talk to your ex again, and get counseling to work on your relationship and your attraction to your husband.

I agree with everyone here that you need to stop seeing the ex at all under any circumstances. You were right to dump him way back when he was drunk and vomiting. You made a good choice then.

You need to learn how to say "no." Not just to your ex, but to yourself, to your daughter and husband, your friends and to strangers. You need to take ownership of your own decisions and you can only do that when you know you can say no if you want to.

Finally, you should think about how you can nurture your marriage and begin to cherish your husband. I recommend getting a copy of the Five Languages of Love and reading it and beginning to practice what is in it. It's not a solution, but it will get you thinking in the right way. How can I make my husband feel loved? Hopefully, over time, he will want to make you feel loved too. He should also read the book, by the way. You have a lot of work to rebuild this marriage.

But fidelity is a minimum for you. And that means staying away from the jerky ex.

I agree with everyone here that you need to stop seeing the ex at all under any circumstances. You were right to dump him way back when he was drunk and vomiting. You made a good choice then.

You need to learn how to say "no." Not just to your ex, but to yourself, to your daughter and husband, your friends and to strangers. You need to take ownership of your own decisions and you can only do that when you know you can say no if you want to.

Finally, you should think about how you can nurture your marriage and begin to cherish your husband. I recommend getting a copy of the Five Languages of Love and reading it and beginning to practice what is in it. It's not a solution, but it will get you thinking in the right way. How can I make my husband feel loved? Hopefully, over time, he will want to make you feel loved too. He should also read the book, by the way. You have a lot of work to rebuild this marriage.

But fidelity is a minimum for you. And that means staying away from the jerky ex.

Thank your comment was honest and true and will let him go because I am ready and been ready to he just kept popping up or I kept thinking of him and driving by his house... no more of that he was not and is not want I want in a man...

I agree with everyone here that you need to stop seeing the ex at all under any circumstances. You were right to dump him way back when he was drunk and vomiting. You made a good choice then.

You need to learn how to say "no." Not just to your ex, but to yourself, to your daughter and husband, your friends and to strangers. You need to take ownership of your own decisions and you can only do that when you know you can say no if you want to.

Finally, you should think about how you can nurture your marriage and begin to cherish your husband. I recommend getting a copy of the Five Languages of Love and reading it and beginning to practice what is in it. It's not a solution, but it will get you thinking in the right way. How can I make my husband feel loved? Hopefully, over time, he will want to make you feel loved too. He should also read the book, by the way. You have a lot of work to rebuild this marriage.

But fidelity is a minimum for you. And that means staying away from the jerky ex.

I have the book and it's AWESOME. It helped my marriage, we didn't have this kind of problem but we have our fair share:}

Your just silly desperate ho to him to be bluntly honest. You don't have anything under control... you don't have him right where you want him... He's got you right where he wants you. Your ex boyfriend is running games all over your a**. I bet when he goes home he tells hie WIFE he loves her! He doesn't care about you. He won't even say he loves you... DEAR LORD YOUR SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS.

Try to salvage your marriage and stop cheating! You need couples counseling and workshops. Your husband cares about you. Not your ex. Why don't you see that?

Chrissymarie,
Please don't call people names on this site.
Thanks,
asking

No your not mean but I am a grown woman that works 40 hrs a week with a bachelors degree.....I'm not 13 years old.....I do have immature tendencies which I think we all do......and I know I'm attractive I just dont feel attractive arong him.......And it is about me because I'm the one in the situation and I'm the one who has to fix so it is all about me......

And I will change my number and start to look for help with a counselor.......but I would love to see you in this situation.....I can tell me friends the deal as well but look at me it hard when its me.....

You need to stop using that you don't feel attractive excuse because it is a lie. In no way whatsoever does your ex make u feel attractive and wanted. He forced you to give him oral. How a=in the world would that make you feel attractive. He won't say he loves you. How does that make you feel wanted? What's the real deal?

Chrissymarie,
Please don't call people names on this site.
Thanks,
asking

Yes askmehelpdesk master lol

Your just silly desperate ho to him to be bluntly honest. you dont have anything under control... you dont have him right where you want him... He's got you right where he wants you. Your ex boyfriend is running games all over your a**. I bet when he goes home he tells hie WIFE he loves her! He doesn't care about you. He won't even say he loves you... DEAR LORD YOUR SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS.

Try to salvage your marriage and stop cheating! You need couples couseling and workshops. Your husband cares about you. Not your ex. Why dont you see that?

No not desperate because I don't sleep with every man I see and if my SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS... then why is it a common issue... I see things a lot clearer now... and I won't let him use me like I once let him... even if I thought I was using him at times... I'm over trying to figure out what's in his mind... I'm over it...

No not desperate because I dont sleep with every man I see and if my SITUATION IS RIDICULOUS..........then why is it a common issue......I see things a lot clearer now......and I wont let him use me like I once let him.......even if I thought I was using him at times......I'm over trying to figure out whats in his mind.....I'm over it....

You are being desperate because your seeking attention outside of your relationship and constantly wondering what's on your ex's mind. Your situation is ridiculous because instead of admitting your wrong you keep trying to explain yourself and why you do what you do. There is no excuse to cheat. YOUR EX DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Stop secretly telling yourself otherwise. He is using you. I bet your not on his mind all day.

You are being desperate because your seeking attention outside of your relationship and constantly wondering whats on your ex's mind. Your situation is ridiculous because instead of admitting your wrong you keep trying to explain yourself and why you do what you do. There is no excuse to cheat. YOUR EX DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Stop secretly telling yourself otherwise. He is using you. I bet your not on his mind all day.


No I don't know why I do what I do... I don't make excuses and I agree... my EX DOES NOT CARE ABOUT me. And I will Stop secretly telling myself otherwise... I was wrong there is no getting around that but I had a question and wanted it answered.

Wow. That is the most messed up thing that I have ever read on here. Things like that make some women hard to trust. Why do women want to cheat. If your husband is so great then STOP cheating on him. What is wrong with you?

Wow. That is the most messed up thing that I have ever read on here. Things like that make some women hard to trust. Why do women want to cheat. If your husband is so great then STOP cheating on him. What is wrong with you?

They cheat for the same reasons men cheat.

Can we please all behave ourselves? The OP is asking for help, not more condemnation and name calling.

If you can't offer constructive help, then please don't bother responding. I'll just delete your post.

I understand that completely. I just got carried away. I did offer my point of saying stop cheating, but I will leave this post alone, and you can delete this response if you would like. Thanks!

They cheat for the same reasons men cheat.

Can we please all behave ourselves? The OP is asking for help, not more condemnation and name calling.

If you can't offer constructive help, then please don't bother responding. I'll just delete your post.

Thank you that's all I want is someone who might have been through this to tell what they did to get out of it...

They cheat for the same reasons men cheat.

Can we please all behave ourselves? The OP is asking for help, not more condemnation and name calling.

If you can't offer constructive help, then please don't bother responding. I'll just delete your post.

I think we are helping. She needs to see that her situation is not OK just because it is common. She is doing wrong. Her first step is admitting that everything she was doing was wrong and her husband shouldn't have to take any of the blame at all. He called her some names, that's no excuse to cheat!

Wow. That is the most messed up thing that I have ever read on here. Things like that make some women hard to trust. Why do women want to cheat. If your husband is so great then STOP cheating on him. What is wrong with you?

Wow my responsibility is not all womankind I couldn't care less how other women feel about me... I have stop cheating... but my ex won't leave me alone... then last week I messed up again... not proud of that but just want to know how to stop it... I want to tell his wife so bad because my husband knows and it pisses me off that she don't... but I never do and never will because its it fight with her not mine...

Thank you thats all I want is someone who might have been through this to tell what they did to get out of it......

Get out of what? You want a cheater to respond and tell you how you can gain control of your ex and keep cheating on your husband?? I'm confused.

Wow my responsibilty is not all womankind I could care less how other women feel about me......I have stop cheating.....but my ex wont leave me alone........then last week I messed up again.....not proud of that but just want to know how to stop it..........I want to tell his wife so bad becasue my husband knows and it pisses me off that she dont........but I never do and never will because its it fight with her not mine...........

If you wanted to stop cheating you'd tel his wife. You don't tell her because you don't want to stop cheating. It's so obvious. Just stop seeing hima dn letting him contact you and you need to stop contacting your ex. That's how you stop cheating.

Thank you thats all I want is someone who might have been through this to tell what they did to get out of it......

I cheated, although I am not quite sure that it was complete cheated, since I left my old relationship with the intent of NEVER going back for personal reasons.

I didn't require anyone else's input for me to see that I was torn between two people and the man that I truly loved, well I was breaking his heart, even though he wasn't even aware. Cheating is not forgivable, you will have a difficult time forgiving yourself, you will have a difficult time being forgiven. You made a mistake, you have been living that mistake for two years. You are breaking the heart of someone WHO LOVES YOU, for sex with SOMEONE who couldn't give a damn less about you.

You have to wake up, accept the responsibility as the responsibility is ALL YOURS for your behaviors. Cut this man out of your life, humble yourself as you HAVE BEEN SELFISH and do what you can to make the right choice from here on out.

Well, you need to step up, and suck it up and start being a real woman. Tell people how you feel. Next time your ex wants a bj, tell him to suck his own, and go straight to his wife and tell her to keep him under control. You need to start doing the right things.

I think we are helping. She needs to see that her situation is not ok just because it is common. She is doing wrong. Her first step is admitting that everything she was doing was wrong and her husband shouldn't have to take any of the blame at all. He called her some names, that's no excuse to cheat!

Well when you go through this then let me know... when your already depressed after having a child and you hear those names and already don't feel pretty but the one person telling you nothing's wrong with you was my ex... then he became my friend again real quick...

Get out of what? You want a cheater to respond and tell you how you can gain control of your ex and keep cheating on your husband??? I'm confused.

No tell me how they got over their situation to help me get over mine

Well, you need to step up, and suck it up and start being a real woman. Tell people how you feel. Next time your ex wants a bj, tell him to suck his own, and go straight to his wife and tell her to keep him under controll. You need to start doing the right things.

That's very upfront and blunt and I feel that... but I alread told him off so I doubt I'll have the chance to say all that... because I am changing my number this weekend

....I have stop cheating.....but my ex wont leave me alone........then last week I messed up again.....

Do you see any problem with this statement?

How can we know it has FINALLY sunk in that no matter what... YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION.

Thats very upfront and blunt and I feel that........but I alread told him off so I doubt I'll have the chance to say all that.....because I am changing my number this weekend

Well there is a step of getting away from him. You are being used by the way. In his mind, if he wants something sexual, he knows the number to dial and that you will do it. You may not be proud of it, but you still do it anyway. Well, sounds pretty low right now, but you can always work your way up. Just stay away from him, and a big thing is to quit putting your husband through hell. That is called Adultry what you are doing.

You just need to start doing the right things and stop trying to justify all the wrong things your doing.

Girl, you're confused because you have to let go of the whole "love" thing... what you do has nothing to do with love, it has everything to do with something else.

Secondly, never service a man. :) If you want to have a varied and good sex life, the man services you and treats you extremely well.

I think you may be floundering in life... you desire attention at any cost. That leaves you emotionally bankrupt and confused.

Talk your needs over with a therapist so you can make some growth. :)

Best wishes,

Girl, you're confused because you have to let go of the whole "love" thing.......what you do has nothing to do with love, it has everything to do with something else.

Secondly, never service a man. :) If you want to have a varied and good sex life, the man services you and treats you extremely well.

I think you may be floundering in life......you desire attention at any cost. That leaves you emotionally bankrupt and confused.

Talk your needs over with a therapist so you can make some growth. :)

Best wishes,

Wow I never thought of me needed attention but that may be true because I use to get a lot then none... and I didn't know how to cope or adjust with that... but thank you... that really did help and shed light on what to do thanks again:)

You have what it takes, you're just "confused" as you said. :) Take a chance on happiness.

I also agree that you should seek out a therapist. It sounds like part of you doesn't want to do what you're doing, but you haven't been able to control yourself. I think there are self-esteem issues. You're willing to accept things that truly self-respecting people just don't accept. The talk about not ever wanting to be alone was another red flag. This is just an idea, and it might not apply, but you might want to look into relationship addiction. At this point, you need to get your mind and your life on track. You need to start seeing things differently, be able to put yourself in your husband's shoes, and start living the kind of life you can be proud of. It's going to take a lot of work, but it's all going to be worth it.

Confuse Woman, I don't think your confused at all. You know right from wrong and have enough common sense to know what is right so start doing it. Stop hurting people that care about you and don't care about people that doesn't care about you and who only out to use you. Before you can love someone you have to love yourself and value more out of life and open your eyes in order to see what stands before you. Never let yourself be use while you hurt someone else, which is your husband. The only people who is getting huru is your husband and this guy wife but your hurting yourself in the process too but I feel bad for the other unexpected parties more.

I can't even understand why your husband would put up with this? You both made a promise before God, a promise that you broke. This exboyfriend or whatever he is obviously does not want you in a respectable way. If you care about your marriage, or your child's well being, then you need to let that other guy go and salvage what remains of your marriage. I'm not a saint by any means. I have struggled with a former lover for over 5 years now. But he is married, has a beautiful baby girl, and after lots of venting and patience with myself, I have overcome my feelings for him. Sure, I miss him. But having any kind of communication with him was not healthy for me, or for him and his marriage. But I made a promise to myself that I would come to terms with all of this before I married my fiancé. Marriage is supposed to be real. How can you just throw it away like that?

I can't even understand why your husband would put up with this? You both made a promise before God, a promise that you broke. This exboyfriend or whatever he is obviously does not want you in a respectable way. If you care about your marriage, or your child's well being, then you need to let that other guy go and salvage what remains of your marriage. I'm not a saint by any means. I have struggled with a former lover for over 5 years now. But he is married, has a beautiful baby girl, and after lots of venting and patience with myself, I have overcome my feelings for him. Sure, I miss him. But having any kind of communication with him was not healthy for me, or for him and his marriage. But i made a promise to myself that I would come to terms with all of this before I married my fiance. Marriage is supposed to be real. How can you just throw it away like that?


Well aren't you a hypocrite you ruin his marriage and then try to preach to me... girl please... when your marriage gets a little boring or you and your future starts to argue remember what you just said to me... dont think about the ex because trust you will... marriage is real and why you try to step in his relationship if you respected marriage sooooooooooooooooo MUCH?

No no no no no HOLD UP. This guy, Brendon, and myself knew each other in school and were good friends then. He joined the Navy and I kept in touch with him. Then he met this girl, katelyn, and proposed to her and they got married. I did not talk to him for a year or so. Him and katelyn were having problems, he left her, and got in touch with me. We were half way across the country from each other so nothing physical happened but we did have plans to get together as soon as they were divorced. That was in November, and he planned on filing for divorce that Dec. Well the first week of Dec katelyn found out that she was pregnant, and Brendon had the obligation to stay with her. I was crushed and hysterical but about 6 months later I got together with my now fiancé. Brendon and I tried to keep our friendship through emails but realized it was far too complicated because we had too strong of feelings for each other. He did try to get in touch with me before the baby was born because Katelyn was up to her old stunts and he was being smothered and wanted out. Now, I do not respect Katelyn. She is a horrible, evil person and she does not deserve to be with someone as great as Brendon. But it is not my fault that he married her and I cannot be his escape from reality whenever he starts feeling miserable. It is hard for me to stand back and watch her live the life I wanted, but there is nothing I can do about it now. And, my boyfriend is 10x better than Brendon ever could have been. He works so hard for our family and loves me and our son, and I truly love and appreciate him.

You said you wanted to stop seeing this ex of yours, correct? The first step is to change your number, which you said that you were doing. Good first step. If he is still finding ways to get in touch with you, then you need to threaten him by promising to tell his wife. If you really wanted to stop seeing him, you would tell the wife. Good men are hard to come by, it sounds like you managed to find one... Don't let him go and STOP CHEATING. I'm very sorry that he called you names. I know that is a very difficult time and you feel so self conscious... But remember, he is a MAN and he says and does stupid things that he doesn't mean. That is not grounds for sleeping around behind his back.

No no no no no HOLD UP. This guy, Brendon, and myself knew eachother in school and were good friends then. He joined the Navy and I kept in touch with him. Then he met this girl, katelyn, and proposed to her and they got married. I did not talk to him for a year or so. Him and katelyn were having problems, he left her, and got in touch with me. We were half way across the country from eachother so nothing physical happened but we did have plans to get together as soon as they were divorced. That was in November, and he planned on filing for divorce that Dec. Well the first week of Dec katelyn found out that she was pregnant, and Brendon had the obligation to stay with her. I was crushed and hysterical but about 6 months later I got together with my now fiance. Brendon and I tried to keep our friendship through emails but realized it was far too complicated because we had too strong of feelings for eachother. He did try to get in touch with me before the baby was born because Katelyn was up to her old stunts and he was being smothered and wanted out. Now, I do not respect Katelyn. She is a horrible, evil person and she does not deserve to be with someone as great as Brendon. But it is not my fault that he married her and I cannot be his escape from reality whenever he starts feeling miserable. It is hard for me to stand back and watch her live the life I wanted, but there is nothing I can do about it now. And, my boyfriend is 10x better than Brendon ever could have been. He works so hard for our family and loves me and our son, and I truly love and appreciate him.

You said you wanted to stop seeing this ex of yours, correct? The first step is to change your number, which you said that you were doing. Good first step. If he is still finding ways to get in touch with you, then you need to threaten him by promising to tell his wife. If you really wanted to stop seeing him, you would tell the wife. Good men are hard to come by, it sounds like you managed to find one... Don't let him go and STOP CHEATING. I'm very sorry that he called you names. I know that is a very difficult time and you feel so self concious... But remember, he is a MAN and he says and does stupid things that he doesn't mean. That is not grounds for sleeping around behind his back.


Even though you say it wasn't physical you wanted another woman's man... and you already slpet with him in your mind... and so did he... You have a good man so do I, both our men are better than our exes but we still think about them and have feelings for them, we both wonder what couldve been, and both wish we were our exes woman... clearly we won't what we can't have and that's the turn on... you aren't ready to get married either... your man now is just filling the void of your ex... trust me I know... it didn't start that way but in the marriage it will end up that way...

No contact is best and that's what I'm doing...

No, excuse me. I am not you. I AM happy with my boyfriend. I do not want to be with Brendon, I just wish he was with someone better than Katelyn because I feel he deserves that. And I am ready to get married. Just because you don't know what to do to make your relationship work doesn't mean I don't. Communication, trust, and balance are vital, and we work hard to keep all of that in check. So don't try to make me look bad in order t make yourself feel better. I was trying to help but I am done. Good luck and I will say a prayer for your husband and you daughter. You obviously have self esteem problems and are immature.

I have read all the responses here to this post, and think that, on the outside looking in, there are more problems than just the OP's.

Marriage is not defined by someone elses' idea of what it should be. (as evidenced by divorce rates), and that we are held like glue into behaving in a certain manner. When the glue comes apart, and bad things happen, it isn't a simple solution to repair the damage.

There are many issues, and it all needs unravelled and worked through, and put to rest before a good solid relationship can be built. How do you build a relationship when there is a leak in the dam, and it hasn't been repaired.

Confused, you are trying to figure this out, despite the condemnation and finger pointing. While you may be beginning to see what your actions have done to those you love, others have not. It is not an overnight fix, nor is it something that can be repaired in a few easy steps.

To want to change, and be willing to change, takes a lot of work, and commitment. I don't know anybody who can say that while in the midst of confusion they were able to make good decisions.

Please seek out counselling to unravel all the actions, reactions, and consequences of how your life has ended up where it has. I doubt you started thinking you would end up here. We have ALL made mistakes in our relationships, and our marriages, and it takes more than just wanting to fix things, to make it work. You need the tools to do so.

You have been honest about what has transpired, and if you are ready to really make a commitment to your husband, then it is time to move on from who did what to whom, to understanding and putting the past to rest.

Good luck to you.

I have read all the responses here to this post, and think that, on the outside looking in, there are more problems than just the OP's.

Marriage is not defined by someone elses' idea of what it should be. (as evidenced by divorce rates), and that we are held like glue into behaving in a certain manner. When the glue comes apart, and bad things happen, it isn't a simple solution to repair the damage.

There are many issues, and it all needs unravelled and worked through, and put to rest before a good solid relationship can be built. How do you build a relationship when there is a leak in the dam, and it hasn't been repaired.

Confused, you are trying to figure this out, despite the condemnation and finger pointing. While you may be beginning to see what your actions have done to those you love, others have not. It is not an overnight fix, nor is it something that can be repaired in a few easy steps.

To want to change, and be willing to change, takes a lot of work, and committment. I don't know anybody who can say that while in the midst of confusion they were able to make good decisions.

Please seek out counselling to unravel all the actions, reactions, and consequences of how your life has ended up where it has. I doubt you started off thinking you would end up here. We have ALL made mistakes in our relationships, and our marriages, and it takes more than just wanting to fix things, to make it work. You need the tools to do so.

You have been honest about what has transpired, and if you are ready to really make a committment to your husband, then it is time to move on from who did what to whom, to understanding and putting the past to rest.

Good luck to you.

Thank you... I will definitely work towards repairing our marriage and his trust in me

I know this is reply is coming much later than the last one but I just wanted to point out a few tings I picked up on in case you're still around here anywhere. This is just my opinion so if it strikes a chord and helps you resolve it then good, but if not feel free to forget it!

People have said about your need for attention and you seemed to think this could be possible. I'm wondering if it goes deeper - it sounds like all you want from your ex is for him to love you - this is the one thing he has never given you and you keep going back and hoping it will happen. Maybe this is also why you fear saying no to him - because to say no would mean making it even less likely he will love you.

You also mentioned your father was an alcoholic and that at one point your ex reminded you of him. That is a connection you made between the two - not me - so I'm wondering if for you you are actually seeking your father's approval, and your ex is filling in that role of someone emotionally unavailable and not able to love you, just like your father?

I agree with everyone that you could definitely use some counselling to deal with this but I think it goes way deeper than you just needing to stop the behaviour - I'm wondering if you need to accept and grieve for the love you missed out on from your father so that you can let this man go and give up the dream of being loved by a man who is never going to show it and start accepting love from where it is avaialable - yourself and your husband.

Good luck

The fact is that this is more common than people are admitting here. I had a similar issue with my ex girlfriend. The difference is that my girlfriend was taken away from me as a teenager against either of our will. I then spent YEARS into my adult life looking for her before I ended up with my current wife. Then when I finally found her, it was too late. I was emotionally connected to two women at that point. My ex girlfriend recently got married shortly after I did. I wish I could have them both.

This is why I have trust issues. Knowing how easily 75% of women cheat on their partners. It's sad... really it is.

PS. Please do your husband a favor and leave him. He might be to emotionally broken to muster up the guts to throw you out, so please... if you love him end it now. Its obvious you will keep cheating on him until the day either of you die.

Since the op hasn't been back since February, I don't think any added advice is going to matter to her because more than likely circumstances have changed since she last posted.

Lets hope it did change...