My girlfriend of 5 years dumped me a month ago. The night and weeks before the break we were still falling asleep while holding each others hands. Cuddling to the point of overheating under the blankets.

Yesterday, on V-day, I moved the rest of my stuff out of our apartment.

The month between yesterday and the initial breakup was filled with several visits that should not have happened. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cried enough to fill an ocean. I've given her many reasons to confirm her belief that this breakup is for the best. I've failed on every level for NC.

I'm turning 28 this year. I've been unemployed and depressed for 2 years and as a result I've had to move back in with my parents (at 27!) in a different city with a slumping economy. I'm being forced to start my life over completely when a month ago I was getting ready to propose. I was picturing a life with kids and fun times. I felt like I was finally coming out of a slump and now I feel like I'm old and destined to be single forever.

She's got a great job, the apartment we shared, the car, lots of friends, and a new guy she hooked up with 2 weeks after the breakup. (just 2 weeks after 5 years!! ) She says this guy is a rebound. That he's just someone that she needs to get over me. They're having lots of great sex that only magnifies the fact that she and I had communication problems in the bedroom leading to many nights of no intimacy. Her life sounds perfect. I picture her pregnant and married within the year.

I desperately want her new relationship to fail. I want her to be dumped and be forced to look at what she's losing. It's too easy for her right now. She's distracted and having fun while I'm dying in a bedroom that I have trouble leaving.

I know I need to get my life back. I know I need to do it for myself mostly but I want to do it so that I can win her back.

... please tell me this rebound relationship is destined to fail and I won't be asking for her back while she's in full bloom love with this guy months down the road.

You need to make a few changes, but for you, not her.

You said it yourself, you've been in a slump for the last 2 years. Understandable, you're depressed, but instead of doing something to change your outlook on life you let it get to a bad point. Sounds like she couldn't handle your slump anymore probably started resenting you and moved on to greener pastures.

You need to get over this, move on, find a job, a sense of self, possibly see a doctor or a therapist and get back on track. Do this for yourself, become the person you want to be, maybe she'll come back, but don't count on it.

NC, work on you, good luck. :)

This is the best thing that could have happened to you.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but it is.

You were in a relationship that wasn't working, that lacked intimacy and communication.

So pick your dignity up off the floor and walk away with your head held high. You could have wasted so much of your life and missed the person who's out there who's going to make you happy.

A relationship is a helpful and loving partnership to you and your life, so go out and get yourself one! Find a job, I know that isn't easy but it's not impossible! You need to fill your life with new experiences and situations and in time, the pain will fade.

Threads merged

It's been 50 days since I was dumped and my 5 year relationship ended. We spent every minute of every day together right from the first date. We traveled the world together. She was my best friend, my lover, my future wife, mother to my future kids, blah blah blah.. heard it all before, right?

It's been 16 days since I last talked to her and the call ended with her hanging up on me.

The breakup has put me in a position where I'm rock bottom.
I've had to move in with my parents at 28. Self worth. Gone.
I'm broke and haven't been able to land a job despite my daily efforts.
I've got 0 friends, nobody to talk or hang with and don't see the outside of my room.
I'm your poster-boy for depression. I cry every day on an hourly basis.

She's moved on already and started dating some guy 2 weeks after the breakup.
He's successful, lots of friends, and I'm sure she's having a blast. When I last talked to her on the phone I had been to "our" apartment earlier that day to pick up my mail and it didn't look lived in so I know she's spending all her time at his place. What I had hoped was just a rebound is turning into a full fledged love possible relationship. She's got friends' weddings to go to this summer and I'm taking bets that she'll be married and pregnant within a year. (I had planned to propose around June 6th)

I let the catch of a lifetime go and I can't seem to forgive myself.

I try to think of negatives about our relationship but there are none that I can latch onto. We never fought. Our sex life was dull but that's normal for a long relationship. I try and pick out negative things about her physically but I can't. She's gorgeous and what little flaws she has gives me more reason to love her. I try and pick negative things about her personality but I can't. She's kind, loving, generous, thoughtful... lovely family... the perfect woman to marry and have kids with.


I'm so angry and hurt that she moved on so quickly. I'm mourning hard and she just tosses me aside?

I'm so angry that someone that I would die for has done this to me. I want her to know how badly I hurt.. I want he to see what she's done to me but I know that will do nothing but push her away and make me feel worse about myself. Still.. I think to myself that it's not like I have anything to lose right?

I've had 1 or 2 mornings where she wasn't the first thought that popped into my head. It felt great at first.. but then I felt worse because I felt like I was getting over her. It's confirmation that she's over me.. if I can have a few good moments.. it means that her many moments are real.. that she really is over me.

Every kiss I see on TV, every mention of love, every pregnant woman, every baby I see makes my chest feel like it's being crushed.

My days are filled with happy memories of her. As soon as I dull myself to one memory my mind suddenly decides to remember some other random moment.. making sure that I don't forget what I've lost.

The good news? Well.. assuming I can land a job (last week).. I have a chance to go to school for engineering this fall. It gives me moments of happiness because in 5 years maybe I'll have a great degree but the hope is fleeting. I get depressed knowing that I'm 10 years older that most will be at school and my chances of meeting someone.. or even making friends is almost null. A life as a successful engineer alone doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather be poor on the streets with her than rich and alone at 33 with a degree.


I don't really have a question.. nothing specific anyway. I'd like to know when this pain will end, when I'll be happy again.. but the answer of "time" just isn't good enough. I'm so tired of counting down the hours until I can go to bed and sleep.

Hi, BrokenTrev!

How many serious, intimate relationships have you had, and how many has she had, please?

By the way, you can meet and make new friends at any age. I think that you're getting down way too much on yourself here and that you need to give yourself a chance.

Those are just some starting thoughts for you...

Thanks!

She was my 2nd serious relationship.
My first serious relationship ended when I was 21 after 3 years. I was devastated but bounced back and started dating a month or so after. "Dated" ~6 girls in between over a span of about a year and met her when I was 22.

Fairly certain I was her 2nd serious relationship too. During one of my breakdowns over the breakup she mentioned how she knew was I was going through.. that she had been dumped after planning on kids/marriage.

I know that her being my whole world was a mistake and is contributing to the hurt right now. I also know my current job/financial situation is adding to the pain too. I've basically lost everything.

The man she's with now is in a position to marry her. He's financially stable and older. I have a feeling that she's caught up in feeling "grown up". Which is silly to say at 28 but he's far more stable than I am right now. She just recently got a great job too...

What really hurts is saying goodbye to the future I had seen for us. Right at the moment when everything was going to come together it ended. She's a beautiful, never married, no kids woman and any sane man would slap a ring on her finger given the chance.

I'm mourning the loss of sharing a pregnancy with her. I'm mourning the loss of seeing her in a wedding dress. I'm morning the loss of holder her hand when I fall asleep.

I've had many serious, intimate relationships in my life. But, for one reason or another, they didn't work out. I can feel your pain and I do know what you're going through.

It sounds like you need to concentrate on being that best that you can be right now. I know that I need to work on that on a daily basis.

What do you think?

Thanks!

What really hurts is saying goodbye to the future I had seen for us. Right at the moment when everything was going to come together it ended. She's a beautiful, never married, no kids woman and any sane man would slap a ring on her finger given the chance.

She is not a saint.Every human being have there fault, why do you put her on a pedestal.There have to be things about her that annoyed you in the last 5 years.?

I'm mourning the loss of sharing a pregnancy with her. I'm mourning the loss of seeing her in a wedding dress. I'm morning the loss of holder her hand when I fall asleep.[/QUOTE]

I am sure you will have the opportunity to do all this with a girl that really loves you. Would that not be better.

You are going to school, I am sure you will meet lots of people there.Make friend and enjoy your time in school.As for now quit thinking about her because she is not thinking about you.Go workout, if you can't afford the membership of a gym, walk, get out of the house.Do something

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there myself, only on the female side of this. It's tough isn't it! I know the can't sleep, can't eat, can't get out of bed, feeling.

I wish I could give you some really wise advice on how to get over this, but it is like a death. The death of a relationship. You go through the same emotions, and there isn't much more than you can do but to allow yourself to go through them.

I had one relationship that was 14 yrs at the absolute end, and another that was over 7 yrs. I was lied to and cheated on with the first, and absolutely blindsighted with the last, like someone had hit me square between the eyes with a bullet. I'm thinking that is where you are at right now!

The hurt will slowly go away, but it's up to you what you to with that time, and how you can ease the everyday pain just a little. You can only sit in your room for so long, you can only listen to those sappy love songs for so long, and then you have to get up one day and just say, I'm not going to let her control my life!

She did an awful thing to you, with little remorse. You need to forgive yourself for whatever it is that you may be blaming yourself for, and just say... Dammit!. I'm just not going to let her control my every thought, and I need to do something for myself!

I dropped out of University when I was younger so I know that going back and finishing my degree would bring a great deal of pride. I know that if I don't go back now I'll regret it for the rest of my life and I know focusing on myself is what I need to do.

I just wish I could have her by my side to share in it. I wish I didn't have to live my life with regret and pain of losing her.

I wish I was younger so that I could have hope of meeting people as friends or maybe even a new girl.

I wish...

I felt the need to mention something else. How quickly we may forget. I really haven't forgotten completely, but it is a distant memory to me. I was also married for 6 yrs. To another man that blindsighted me also. I was young, he was young,---and yes---it still wasn't easy. In fact those are three of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. But, I have also learned a lot.

I just thought I would clear that up, and also say that it won't hurt forever. See, I just forgot to mention my one and only---and last---marriage! Haha.

I dropped out of University when I was younger so I know that going back and finishing my degree would bring a great deal of pride. I know that if I don't go back now I'll regret it for the rest of my life and I know focusing on myself is what I need to do.

I just wish I could have her by my side to share in it. I wish I didn't have to live my life with regret and pain of losing her.

I wish I was younger so that I could have hope of meeting people as friends or maybe even a new girl.

I wish...

You will... trust me YOU WILL! You are only 28 hon! You have so much time ahead!

You are just 28, ask any 60 year old if they would not like to be 28 again.More than half of your life is ahead of you.

After a couple of year I can promise you would not be thinking about your ex

Don't just sit in a room and keep hoping and praying, if you want to make friends meet a new girl go out.Sitting n a room and crying is not achieving anything

What sort of things do you do now socially, BrokenTrev?

Thanks!

I'm going to tell you a story that my Grandma used to tell me. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it might apply here, and she was a very smart woman.

"Lessons learned in relationships are like a new pair of boots. They come out of the box all shiny and new. You try them on, and they look just perfect, and they fit just right. You wear them everyday, and you try and keep them shined. You break them in until they feel comfortable. You've walked through the mud with them, you've walked on rocks with them, and you've left them out to dry. But one day you come home, and you find out that these weren't the same shiny boots that you used to have. You know it's time to retire those boots, and go out and look for another shiny pair that fit you just as fine as the others. You'll always know when it's time for a new pair of boots."

I just thought I would share that with you. I always think of that story when I'm having a really bad day. Hope it helps you with your day.

Your repliers are spot-on, BrokenTrev. It is heartwrenching to read your post, not only because I'm starting to like my life again after 9 years of marriage and two boys went down the drain, but because we've all been there and it SUCKS!! My boys didn't go down the drain -- I'm not that kind of Texasmama -- sorry, bad.
Also, look into therapy for yourself, since we can't control what others do or how they react. Sadly, it takes time to pass before they are no longer the first thought in the AM, and last one in the PM, but you'll get there. I know you are an adult, but God-willing, you still have a lot of living to do.
Good luck and remember that what you do or where you live or how much you make does not define you as a person. Those are just fragments of the whole. Use this time to concentrate on Trev and making him better.

I'm still waiting for a response to my question that I asked in Post #11, BrokenTrev!

Your mind's in a whirlwind of emotion.

Sometimes it's best to take things simply here...

Thanks!

You guys respond too fast for me to quote and I knew I'd get flak for calling myself old at 28. :p

It's not that I feel old, old. I know that I've many years left to live on this planet. It's that I feel too old few a few life milestones. I feel my chance at becoming a father died with this relationship. What's worse is that I feel like I was refected for the newer, faster model of father.

I feel like I'm too old to consider dating and making friends at school due to the age differences. People change a lot in their early 20's and I'm going to feel like an ancient being close to 30.

I'm not trying to put her on a pedestal. Believe me.. if I could latch on to something negative about her I would. I'd focus on it knowing that I can find someone without that trait. I mean sure.. she smoked, she had a few habits that were mildly annoying but I love(d) her for her faults.

Clough, I don't do anything socially. I know this is a huge problem that needs to be fixed. It's tough making friends being in a new city and not knowing anyone. Being a guy who cries at the drop of a pin doesn't help either. I had hoped that I'd make some friends through work but that's turning out to be a challenge of it's own.

Making friends at work isn't necessarily a way to go... People with whom a person works most often have an entirely different relationship with a person than someone that a person knows outside of a work environment.

What sort of education, skills, training and interests do you presently have, please?

Thanks!

The breakup has put me in a position where I'm rock bottom.
I've had to move in with my parents at 28. Self worth. Gone.
I'm broke and haven't been able to land a job despite my daily efforts.
I've got 0 friends, nobody to talk or hang with and don't see the outside of my room.
I'm your poster-boy for depression. I cry every day on an hourly basis.
Well this is the time to sort all this out, you must have some spare time right? Start with joinng some goups, activities, anything you like. This will boost yourself esteem. The more self esteem you have the better chance of getting a job, moving out etc. it will also help you get out of your room, this will help you to move on.

I let the catch of a lifetime go and I can't seem to forgive myself. now no offence but she does not sound like the bestest catch, she's hurt you. Now that's not good.

I try to think of negatives about our relationship but there are none that I can latch onto because you are going through the stage of where the sun shines out of her @ss. We it doesn't and again she hurt you.

I've had 1 or 2 mornings where she wasn't the first thought that popped into my head. It felt great at first.. but then I felt worse because I felt like I was getting over her don't you want to get over her, or do you want to be miserable? Mornings are bad, its nice and peaceful then bam it hits. But this again in the future will not hit you straight away then hopefully it will go.

I'm so angry and hurt that she moved on so quickly. I'm mourning hard and she just tosses me aside? I no how you feel, many do on this site, but after a while the anger will drop. In a time after all this is over you will probarly forgive. And forgivness is great. Also venting is good.

3 Threads merged/edited.


I've been battling with myself every minute of every hour to not contact my ex. The NC rule seems to be the golden rule of this forum and so far I've made it a month. I still cry every day and barely make it out of bed. The above thread has me doubting this NC rule.

Quick Facts:
--Relationship - 5 years -- Break was 2 months ago completely out of the blue.
--Last contact was on the phone a month ago. Very bad situation where I called her and said I was sorry for being caught in our old apartment. I was picking up my mail when I wasn't supposed to be there and didn't tell her because I was trying the NC. She hung up on me. I look like a creep.
--She started seeing and a new guy 2 weeks after the break. They've been going out since. Fairly certain that she is spending every night at his placed based on the state of the apartment last I was there.

--I believe the relationship ended for 2 main reasons. 1: I was unemployed. 2: Our sex life had died. Both of these reasons I believe were due to me being depressed.

I'm working on the depression with help.
It's not permanent but I have a contract job.
I have made plans to go back to school this fall.

I love this woman deeply. I want to fight for our love. I want to show her that I've changed. I couldn't care less if seeing her hurts me more because honestly I don't believe I can feel any worse.

I should add. We're both turning 28 this year. This isn't a first love break that has me wondering if I'll ever find someone. This is a break where I feel I've lost the love of my life. This is a break that comes just as I was planning on kids/marriage/etc.

The most important person you can have a relationship with is you. Right now that relationship is not good, and you have to work on that.

The fact that she hooked up with a guy two weeks after she left you tells me that she left you for him. It didn't just happen, she had backed herself out of the relationship before she broke up with you, which probably wasn't that hard if you weren't even having sex and she was supporting you.

I have no doubt you love her, but right now that love must be focused on your mental and emotional health. When that is fixed then and only then should you be worried about loving someone else.

Sorry for your loss, but it will take a lot longer to heal from your 5 year relationship, than a couple of months. In the mean time its up to how hard you work for yourself that matters. So what are you doing toward rebuilding your life and repairing the hole in your soul??

I wish that I could write to you guys and tell you that I'm doing something.. but I'm not. Besides trying to look forward to school and trying to find a job I'm still trapped inside crying. I'm sure some of you will wonder why you bother to help when I'm not taking your suggestions.

I feel like I deserve this pain. The anger always comes back to me.

I was the one who wasn't working and put financial stress on our relationship.
I was the one who didn't initiate sex enough to make her feel wanted.

I can't help but admit that I deserved to be dumped. Being the leech/loser at home isn't appealing to any woman.

I lost the perfect woman. My fault.
This pain is all that I have left of her.. and it's tough to give up.

Look, she is gone and is probably not ever coming back, so you can mope all day long and its not going to change a thing.As you said being a leech/loser is not attractive to anyone.SO what are you doing to change it.

Because you screwed up once, doesn't mean you have to pay for it forever. Your attitude is one of self pity, which will keep you feeling sorry for yourself, and not get yourself busy working for yourself. That's the easy way out.

Get off your A$$, and get busy proving to her, and yourself that your better than that. Then you'll find out she was not as perfect as you think!

Build a life that you enjoy, without her, or the excuses.

Yeah, I guess people are going to have to be tough on you to help you get back on your feet.

But I guess that you check out this thread out: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/went-down-dangerous-road-tonight-330657.html

A bunch of us are facing a similar situation. Just know that you're not alone.

Keep working on yourself... when you are in a position to love yourself unconditionally and not blame yourself... you will be a lot happier and healthier - AIM FOR THAT!
We are here to support you!

Working on myself seems so futile. I know in the grand scheme of things 28 isn't really that old but I can't get over it. Starting life over at 28 with so little feels like the end of my life. Hell.. most of the posts here are made by people 5+ years my junior.

She took my home of 9 years. She took my pride, my masculinity. She took my children, she took my wife. She she she... really.. it's me me me.

If I go back to school and "work on myself" I'll be 33 before I'm financially secure enough to think about a family. I would have made a great father. I would have been an excellent husband. Dating at this age is different. Woman like my ex are usually either mothers or not interested in dating someone who's got nothing. I'm a fool for not asking her sooner. Maybe then she'd have fought harder. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen so far. I hate(d) dating. My ex and I didn't really date.. we just clicked and spent all our time together. I can't believe I screwed it up.

The signs are there.. you all have been firm in reinforcing the fact that she's gone and that there's no hope. I know it's true.. I know that she gave up on our relationship months ago. I know that I have to give up hope to move on.

I can't.. I won't. She won't likely answer the phone or return my call even if I did try to contact her. She's strong. Still.. seeing her and begging.. seeing her and confessing that I messed up.. that I don't blame her for leaving me but that there's still hope seems like the only answer to this pain. 0.0001% chance of success is still greater than 0.

I know I'm wrong. I know seeing her will do nothing but drive her further away. I know this but I can't accept it. @#$*&$*@*!!

Hey man, I know it's tough. If you really that there's still a chance, then do what you got to do. But after you tell her how you feel, you got to accept her response and move on.

The time you spend hanging on to her could be time spent on finding someone else.

I feel compelled to respond to this posting. I feel a great amount of sympathy for you. Your heart, mind, body and soul are hurting all at once. Every fiber of your existence has been torched. Seems like hell. According to Dante, it is (pertaining to God's love). A total removal of love. You wish you could hate her, but you can't. You love her and she is not your's anymore. Your life has been lacking so much lately anyway, this was the last bit of hope you still had. Now it's gone. You feel worthless and pathetic and it feels like a never-ending cycle. Even if you had other things in your life, the joy of sharing them with the person you love has escaped your grasps.

You are well aware of why she left and find it hard to even blame her. You picture her living the life of YOUR dreams. Being happy forever without you. It doesn't seem fair. It's not fair. You think she should feel this pain too. You wonder if she ever thinks about you. You scheme and plot. You mastermind your reunion. You get mad at yourself because you feel like you are going back in time but now too old for it to count. Devolving, degenerating and losing. You are now left all alone. You were free falling into love and now you have slammed into a crater made of concrete. The impact has shattered you completely. You lay there, at rock bottom and in a million pieces. Guess what? You won't become whole and climb out in a single day. You are not superman.

You are going to have to put yourself back together one piece at a time. Once you are whole, you can begin your ascent. This is going to take time. She may have 4 kids and a golden retriever by the time you get to your piqué. Don't think about it. Your paths were one for a long time. She found a new one. You will too. You can't follow her now. You can't watch her from a distance to see where she is going. You only have your path. She will never forget you. Her bitter memories and negative feelings towards you will change.

Imagine, 10 years from now. She is married, maybe bored, maybe not quite so beautiful anymore. You are fluent in 3 languages, making the wood of your violin cry like Sergey Ryabtsev, graduating medical school and dating ballerina from Julliard. Sure these dreams may seem fantastical but guess what. At this point in time, they are more realistic than the broken dreams of your future with the ex. Personally, I think anything is possible, especially at the bottom. I mean, if you had kids, a mortgage or a farm with her and she left, it wouldn't be as easy to start over.

Let's face it. She left you with nothing and that's something you can work with.

Working on myself seems so futile. I know in the grand scheme of things 28 isn't really that old but I can't get over it. Starting life over at 28 with so little feels like the end of my life. Hell.. most of the posts here are made by people 5+ years my junior.

She took my home of 9 years. She took my pride, my masculinity. She took my children, she took my wife. She she she... really.. it's me me me.

If I go back to school and "work on myself" I'll be 33 before I'm financially secure enough to think about a family. I would have made a great father. I would have been an excellent husband. Dating at this age is different. Woman like my ex are usually either mothers or not interested in dating someone who's got nothing. I'm a fool for not asking her sooner. Maybe then she'd have fought harder. Maybe then I wouldn't have fallen so far. I hate(d) dating. My ex and I didn't really date.. we just clicked and spent all our time together. I can't believe I screwed it up.

The signs are there.. you all have been firm in reinforcing the fact that she's gone and that there's no hope. I know it's true.. I know that she gave up on our relationship months ago. I know that I have to give up hope to move on.

I can't.. I won't. She won't likely answer the phone or return my call even if I did try to contact her. She's strong. Still.. seeing her and begging.. seeing her and confessing that I messed up.. that I don't blame her for leaving me but that there's still hope seems like the only answer to this pain. 0.0001% chance of success is still greater than 0.

I know I'm wrong. I know seeing her will do nothing but drive her further away. I know this but I can't accept it. @#$*&$*@*!!!



I am 28 too and I just got out of a 8 year relationship, and believe me not all 28 year old females are mothers or married, so you will eventually find someone.

In by the way why would your ex would want to come back to you, has anything changed?? Desperate is not sexy , believe me, I was there where you are now.

BrokenT,
My sympathies goes to you,before I answer your question I would like to share my breakup story,my ex girlfriend of three year broke up with me on November 21st last year, saying that the feelings were gone and that she don't love me anymore.I immediately went into no contact .two weeks latter,I broke the NC,I went to her apartment,and she was very verbally abusive,she was even hitting me.I also found out that four days after we broke up,yes four days, she started seeing another guy,she had met him when she went to visit her dad who lives 200 miles away ,during thanksgiving,now she had his picture allover her laptop.I was so angry with he and we ended having a nasty fight, and I resumed the NC again,that was on DEC 12th.
Unfortunately, my Ex and I attends the same college, and we are in the same class,one particular day in January,my car developed some engine problems and she had to gimme a ride to the college,therefore,I broke the NC for the second time,she told me that the rebound relationship had ended,she gave me her phone number,and the next day she invited me to her apartment,when I asked her if she wants to give it another shot,she said she want to see another guy,we ended having a huge fight ,I regretted so much for breaking the NC,and once again I started NC and until now I am strictly following it,its been 6 weeks.I see my ex everyday but I don't talk to her,we even don't say HI,I ignore her as if she never mattered in the first place.I want to move on and get over her.
To answer your question,rebound relationship rarely works,in fact the one I started a month after we broke up lasted for two weeks ,hers lasted one month,and I don't know whether she started the other one or not, because I went NC.if you really want your ex back you have to Maintain NC at all cost especially when she is seeing another guy,chances are very slim that things will workout between them,But you must start NC and follow it, she might come around and probably at that time you won't need her anymore,this is the only way out now.. increase you chances by going NC,its very hard,but it gets better with time... stay strong you can do it! You are not alone.

Just so you know, most guys who heal, and move on, seldom want to go back to the exes.

Its simple really, they found better options, and opportunities, that they didn't see before, because they were emotionally blinded, by confusion, and shock.

No Contact= No Confusion.

Thank you inertia... I should have posted this the other day when I originally read it but I'm here now and just wanted to say that your post gave me a little hope.

Dear Ex.

I'm so sorry that I put you in a position where you felt trapped and needed to get out of our relationship. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to get a job. I'm sorry that I felt like I needed a job that was just as good or better than yours to feel self worth because that's a really stupid excuse. I'm sorry that I didn't show you more appreciation. I'm sorry that I didn't initiate sex very often and this probably caused you to feel unwanted. I'm sorry that I was depressed and though I feel this is the cause of a lot of our problems I'm still sorry that I didn't seek help. I'm sorry that I didn't notice you pulling away. I should have noticed. I'm sorry.


Dear Ex.

Screw yourself!! I stood by you during the times when YOU weren't working even though it drove me nuts. I stood by you when your job was nothing more than standing on the picket line in the sun chatting with your friends only to be offered a large payout a few months later to quit. You hardly worked at all yourself! The entire apartment was furnished with my stuff. Your car was given to you by your dad. You haven't worked hard for a single thing your entire life! I quit my job.. an job I loved.. FOR YOU because you were depressed and wanted to go traveling. The trip was wonderful and I feel deeper in love with you. I don't regret the trip but when we come back and I fall down you leave me! YOU didn't initiate sex with me either. Worse... when I tell you secrets you use them against me. I wanted to make love but your idea of that required nothing but you to just lay there. I TRIED to talk to you but you wouldn't talk to me. I put my soul into the relationship. I would have died to give you life and when I struggle.. when I'm in need you follow the first man that gives you a tingle. You had the nerve to lead me on the entire time. I spent Christmas with your family and we spent New Wears with mine and the entire time you knew that you had some other guy in mind. You bring home a rose after going out with your friends and tell me it was one of your girl-friends that bought it for you. You LIED to me. It doesn't matter that you officially broke up with me before doing the deed. You STILL cheated on me. You allowed yourself to separate yourself from me emotionally but you didn't give me that chance. You held my hand every night. You cuddled with me. YOU USED ME! You've left me in a pit of despair and when I have my parents try to contact you to get some mail that I need for a new job you ignore then... you're still screwing with my life. SCREW YOU!

From the heart brother. Been there. Climbing out as we speak, (and it's so much brighter).

Dear diary...

I completed the interview session for entrance into the engineering program yesterday. The age difference between myself and the rest of the applicants was expected but hard to handle. I tried to find someone walking around that looked my age. Hardly... I'm more convinced that ever that I'm going to be a loner in college. I don't know if I can make it 2 years living at home.

I forced myself to go on a date with someone I met over the internet. Someone that I really had no interest in until I saw her in person. No matter.. I think it was obvious that I'm in no position to date because the date ended at 10:30 and I was blocked the next day.

67 days since she dumped me. 33 days since last contact. I still desperately want to talk to her. I still desperately hold on to hope that even in my pathetic state she might magically change her mind after talking to me... after seeing how much of a mess I am.

These phrases echo in my mind and burn at my soul. They never ever stop.
"I'm not attracted to you." // "We're not sexually compatible." // "I'm not in love with you."

I never once thought my ex was out of my league when we were together. Now I feel like dirt. I feel so small.

The pain has subsided a little bit. It hasn't dissipated, I think I'm just numb to it now.

How does one find self esteem after the one that you loved the most destroyed it?

Talaniman Rant


How does one find self esteem after the one that you loved the most destroyed it?

Start by stop focusing on the bad things, and focus on the good, no matter how small, in your every day life. You see all negativity, and that's the way you talk to yourself. That has to stop.

Keep your a$$ off the pity pot, and do something good for yourself everyday, and every time you feel down, get up, and do something, anything, from polishing your shoes to dusting under the bed. Most of all be of service to someone, who can't do for themselves, so you see others have problems too, even worse than yours, read to a kid in the hospital, and the BS your going through will seem small by comparison, to the courage you see with a young kid dying of cancer.

You let a lousy female blow your self esteem?? Thats insane, get your act together hold your head up, and look around at the many things that life has to offer and just take it.

Live young boy, and get you some manhood. All it takes is work, and time.

MANHOOD- Human male who does what it takes to be happy, and adds to the lives of other humans around him.

PUNK- Male human, who cries like a baby when things get tough, and beetches about it.

You want to stay a boy be my guest. Trust me, real men have more fun.

I don't want to admit it but I've made steps forward. I've been on a few dates even though I know I'm not ready. Naturally they've failed miserably but at least I'm getting out. I'm waiting on a call for some volunteering work and hopeful it'll help. It still really hurts but I don't cry all the time like I used too.. and when I do it's not as long. There have been moments of hope.


I haven't actually spoken to her to confirm but it's pretty apparent by looking.

She's pregnant, and showing. After ending 5 years it took her less than 3 months...

This shouldn't matter.

It does.

Good to hear that you are getting better. It's a roller coaster ride.Soon you will realize that you are better off without her..

Naturally they've failed miserably but at least I'm getting out.

Define failed miserably.

Define failed miserably.

Over in an hour. No interest. No second date. No further contact.

The saying "To get over someone is to get under the next" is painfully true. You should not be hung up on her and her "next" but get out and find your "next". This happened to me too. I feel for you. The best way I handled it was to put a smile on my face everyday as hard as that was and move forward. My partner loved put the "next" in my face, making it harder to move on. I kept my smile and pretended that I was happy that the relationship was working knowing inside it was killing me softly. My ex couldn't stand that I was OK with the whole thing and thought I would bug for him back. Because like you I was with out a job had to move into my parents place oh and I was having his child. I gave birth found a job and got back out on my own. I dressed to the "nine" and cont. smiling as his relationship fell to pieces and I MOVED on. It gets easier trust me. Its somewhat like a 12 step program, take one day at a time.;)

Oh, honey, I feel your pain so much. I'm in a different situation now, but in 2006, my girlfriend of 5 years left me. I was positively heartbroken, even though the relationship was borderline abusive, so I can't even imagine how someone who had been HAPPY feels. I dated too soon, too, and I didn't end up feeling "ready" to date until nearly 2 years after the breakup. I'm so glad that you're starting to feel better.

And, dude, 28 is YOUNG. I'm 26, so I'm not that far behind you. You will meet someone and be a great husband and father. You'll see.

I'm confused by this entire post.


I don't want to admit it but I've made steps forward. I've

Why would you not want to admit that?


been on a few dates even though I know I'm not ready. Naturally they've failed miserably but at least I'm getting out.

I'm not sure if this is the right answer now. I think right now you should focus on rebuilding your confidence. You say you have been on a few dates but they've failed miserably, so you bring yourself right back down. I say work one bringing that confidence up then date because I think this could create a cycle that might be hard to break.

Also, you are looking at this all wrong. It should be, "I just got out of a 5 year relationship and there are women who are interested in dating me." That's a much more positive approach to the same thing that you stated above.


I'm waiting on a call for some volunteering work and hopeful it'll help.

Quite honestly, there's a lesson for more of us. Taking your current negative and turning it into a positive.


It still really hurts but I don't cry all the time like I used too.. and when I do it's not as long. There have been moments of hope.

Moments turn into minutes, minutes into hours, and hours into days. As Tal said focus on the good in those moments and they will start to outlast the negative.




I haven't actually spoken to her to confirm but it's pretty apparent by looking.

She's pregnant, and showing. After ending 5 years it took her less than 3 months...

This shouldn't matter.

It does.

I'm confused by this. Wouldn't that make it your child? A women isn't going to start showing after 3 months. Maybe she's just depressed because she lost you and is feeding her face.

RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.


Why would you not want to admit that?

I really don't know. Maybe because admitting that I'm getting better is really admitting that it's over. For every step I take she's taken 20. I'm still hanging on to the false hope that she misses me. I don't want to lose the pain of the breakup when it's all that I have left of our (non-) relationship. I'm still not sure I believe my life can be better without her.



RE: Dating


I'm not sure if this is the right answer now. I think right now you should focus on rebuilding your confidence. You say you have been on a few dates but they've failed miserably, so you bring yourself right back down. I say work one bringing that confidence up then date because I think this could create a cycle that might be hard to break.

You're right. It's not the right answer and it's not fair to the woman that I'm trying to date either. I feel bad about it and karma's going to bite me in the end but I miss feeling loved and having someone I care beside me when doing every day normal mundane things. So much so that I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing. Feeling confidence in myself seems so far away and having a good looking woman flirt with me feels awesome even if it's temporary.



Also, you are looking at this all wrong. It should be, "I just got out of a 5 year relationship and there are women who are interested in dating me." That's a much more positive approach to the same thing that you stated above.

I should add that these are not dates set up in person. I'm using an online dating site. So while I'm not outright lying I'm certainly not revealing that I'm unemployed, living with my parents and still hung up on my ex. They've got my internet persona and picture to go off and nothing else until we meet in person. Going into a date with these facts in the back of my mind is probably a big reason why I don't have a chance even if you ignore the lack of full disclosure. I'm still a gentleman, I'm still me. I'm still funny and charming. I'm just not really date-able.



RE: Pregnancy


I'm confused by this. Wouldn't that make it your child? A women isn't going to start showing after 3 months. Maybe she's just depressed because she lost you and is feeding her face.

If that were the case (my child) I'd be ecstatic. Which is very selfish of me I know. Chances are though that it's not. Last time we made love was 2 weeks before the breakup and I can't remember when before that. She was banging the guy from work only 2 weeks later so she's either showing at 3 months or at 4. Odds are it's his since their sex frequency is going to be obviously higher. She's a petite woman and any bump is easy to see. The weight was purely around her face and lower belly.. did no look like fat gain. I'd have to actually talk to her to confirm which is a double edged sword.

As for her being pregnant to another man should be the final push for you to move on.

The reason as to why you are not datable is because you are not ready for being with other females yet. You are not over your past.

Of course your life can be better without her. Look at all the pain she has given you, surely you don't need this in your life? I'm sure you was living before her, so I'm sure you can do it without her.

I think you should focus on yourself, the more time you give yourself the more you heal.

Their "sex frequency" and your one last time doesn't matter. Getting pregnant only takes ONE time! Just keep that in mind. If there is a chance it could be yours you might want to ask her. It's a one time shot it could be.

RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.


I really don't know. Maybe because admitting that I'm getting better is really admitting that it's over. For every step I take she's taken 20. I'm still hanging on to the false hope that she misses me. I don't want to lose the pain of the breakup when it's all that I have left of our (non-) relationship. I'm still not sure I believe my life can be better without her.


Does it matter how many steps she has taken,NC is about you, not about who is winning .


RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.
RE: Dating


You're right. It's not the right answer and it's not fair to the woman that I'm trying to date either. I feel bad about it and karma's going to bite me in the end but I miss feeling loved and having someone I care beside me when doing every day normal mundane things. So much so that I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing. Feeling confidence in myself seems so far away and having a good looking woman flirt with me feels awesome even if it's temporary.


Again you are trying to find happiness through other people.Quit dating and start working on yourself.If you look at other people to define you, then we have a real problem here.



RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.


RE: Pregnancy


If that were the case (my child) I'd be ecstatic. Which is very selfish of me I know. Chances are though that it's not. Last time we made love was 2 weeks before the breakup and I can't remember when before that. She was banging the guy from work only 2 weeks later so she's either showing at 3 months or at 4. Odds are it's his since their sex frequency is going to be obviously higher. She's a petite woman and any bump is easy to see. The weight was purely around her face and lower belly.. did no look like fat gain. I'd have to actually talk to her to confirm which is a double edged sword.


Even if the child is yours, it would not help you get her back, and it would be kind of hard to pay child support with no job

I would be hoping that the child was not mine. I know that sounds bad, but Dare81 is right... right now that would be another added thing that ties you to her for a long time.

You need to go out and do something that stirs your interest in life and in turn stirs your interest in yourself. Work toward a goal that is REALLY important to you and something you would consider a great accomplishment. The harder that goal is, the better.

For example, my current goal is to save up enough money by summer/fall to buy my own house and getting settled on my own. That is my major goal for the immediate future. Once I reach that, then I will figure out my next goal.

On NC and the healing process:

I was with my ex for 4 years. She put me through emotional hell the last few months we were together and burned me out.

During my journey, I've met some cool people along the way. I've met up with old friends. I NEVER reject a social invitation. It has come to the point where I am now budgeting my time between my friends. Trust me, I don't have that many friends. I've had woman come up to me and say hi and chat (some particularly good looking ones too). I've had a couple of one nighters, honestly I don't know how I feel about them... :o If your not ready to date or be in a relationship, definitely hold off until you are.

Most of the times when good things happen, it's because I'm having fun and enjoying myself with others. I don't look for them, or force them. I "go with the flow" so to speak.

From my perspective, I think you are searching to hard for love. You are trying to fill the void left by your ex with another girl. You are trying to hard and pushing yourself too much in the romance department. This is causing esteem issues to surface because you are not living up to these expectations. You are setting yourself up for failure. When things go wrong, or when things don't work out, you think that you are worthless, when you are NOT!

You need to take some time and just enjoy your life and live single. Learn to live on your own. Learn to make your own decisions. Learn to make yourself happy.

Remember, you are not going to be single and alone forever. You will meet someone, get married, have kids, and be with that person (for better or worse) for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! You're only 28. Your not even halfway there yet! If you got married tomorrow and lived to average life expectancy (72), that would mean that you would be married for 44 years.

This is the time where you start living your life how YOU WANT TO LIVE IT! Do everything now, because after you do get married, you will be living for your family! This is time to go out with friends and have fun. It is time to go on that long awaited trip you've always wanted. It's time to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. The best way to do this is roll with whatever life throws at you. You are actively trying to hard to make something happen and as a result, you are bringing yourself down further by being to hard on yourself.

Just live man! Let life take you by the hand and lead you to your future. Don't fight it. Let opportunity come to you. Once you let this happen, you will see the light at the end and realize that things are not as bad as they seem.

Let go of her. You have work to do. Focus on resolving your depression and building yourself a life. Stay with that and you'll be happy. Read Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. He'll blow your mind and wake you up to what's possible for you.

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61): Eckhart Tolle: Books (http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239318605&sr=8-1)

Let go of her. You have work to do. Focus on resolving your depression and building yourself a life. Stay with that and you'll be happy. Read Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. He'll blow your mind and wake you up to what's possible for you.

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61): Eckhart Tolle: Books (http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1239318605&sr=8-1)

Careful if you read that book while drpressed there is a lot of stuff going on in your head as it is. I found it confusing frustrating, and missleading when I was depressed. That was because my "mind" was not my mind, I was thinking unclearly and could not understand what he was saying. Upon rereading it, I"m in the process now, I am finding it more enlightening. I'm not saying don't read it, but if you do, don't be discuraged if it's annoying to you.
"This too shall soon Pass."- A new Earth

Peace and kindness be with you.